Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Friday, December 31, 2004

Last day of 2004

Pearls and Dreams

This year has gone by incredibly fast, I can't believe it. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was sitting telling my husband that I wasn't up to staying up to midnight, and wound up staying up till 3 am watching 'Left Behind' Movies on TBN

This year has been an incredible year. Lots of revelations to this brain of mine. I have learned there are certain people I really do want to impress, and others I could care less about impressing. I have learned that my motivations for impressing people no longer have to do with them accepting me, or not seeing my faults, but wanting them to see the Jesus in me.

I have learned that my passion for God goes deeper, and stronger than I could ever have imagined and I'm willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for that relationship. I have learned that God not only does answer my prayers, but he sometimes answers them immediately, all I have to do is keep my eyes open,and other times, he makes me wait. Either way, I have to pay attention and trust Him.
I have learned, that when I just can't make it anymore, when I am out of strength, when I am at my wits end, and there just isn't another ounce of strength in me, and it just isn't fair anymore ... that God is still there ..and that is where He can show himself most powerful ...in my weakness His strength shows!

I have learned that my love to serve people has definition ... my goal is to 'irrevocably spoil' those whom I'm serving. I had someone use that phrase after I did some volunteer work this last fall, I loved it!

I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. That I am smarter than I thought I was. That I am better than I thought I was. That I am more treasured than I thought I was ... and I've learned that my husband putting me down and not treasuring me is not ok, and it's HIS problem, his character flaw, not mine.

I have learned, that I still have dreams to dream and goals to reach, and life to live.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

thick heads are hard to convince

Pearls and Dreams
Reading some of the stuff that my doc sent me on the insulin resistance looked a bit familiar, so I pulled out my Dr. Phil's weight loss book ... I found it ... in chapter 11. He covers metabolic imbalance ... I have check marked all the things in there that apply to me ..but it still didn't get through! I still saw it as all my fault. I still heard him telling that one woman on his show who kept trying to say it was a metabolic disorder, who didn't have one, that it was all behavior and that for most people it is ...but right in his book he says :

Chapter 11, Page 260 of Dr. Phil's THE ULITMATE WEIGHT SOLUTION
Last paragraph
At this point, I hope you get that there may be biochemical and physiolocgical reasons for why you can't loose weight. It isn't a problem of eating too much. It isn't a matter of not exercising enough. It's not even a question of being emotionally weak. And it's not your fault. (bold mine)

I must be totally completely dense.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Blogger Idol .. week 4 ... Resolutions

Pearls and Dreams

New Years 2005
It's approaching quickly and of coarse, the subject of resolutions has come up. We discussed this at my small group Friday night and when it came around the table to me, I said that my resolutions are backwards ...

I spent years and years making resolutions that I could never ever live up to. I set goals and ideals so high that I'd never be able to reach them. Two weeks into the year, I'd have realized that once again, I failed miserably, which did nothing but confirm that I was a miserable excuse for a human being.

A few years ago, I changed my resolutions. I turned the tables upside down on myself. I decided that deciding that I was going to get down to my perfect weight, or stop biting my nails, that I was going to read 200 books, or whatever else the goal was ... was just setting myself up for failure and I was done tripping myself.

So ...
I set my New Years Resolutions in a new way ... and I will do this every year for the rest of my life.
I cannot fail at these.
I cannot help but to succeed.
I might not get as far as I'd like, but I will proceed ... and next year, I will be farther down my journey's path than I am today.

My resolutions?
I look at what my strengths are instead of weaknesses. I look deep inside ... and I find the area's that I excel at, and I promise to work at becoming superior. I look for the area's that I am very good at, and I work at becoming excellent. I look for the area's that I am good at, and I work at becoming very good. I will look for the area's that I am proficient in, and work at becoming good. I will look for the area's that I am learning about and work at becoming proficient.

With this step stone approach, the focus becomes on the positives in my life. With the focus on the positives, the negatives don't have the room to grow.

New Years Changes
by Peggikaye Eagler

We make the lists,
Of what we want to change,
Our faults we number,
Bad to mild, we cover the range.

We start out strong,
Our goal firmly set,
Determination our coarse,
Standing strong, we don't fret.

In our own strength,
We try to break our habits,
Holding our breath forever,
To win, we are desperate.

Would it not make sense,
To give to God our weaknesses?
Focus on our strength instead,
Saving us from our messes?

When looking at our strengths,
The good qualities to improve,
The bad things surrendered,
Up the ladder, we will move!

below was just a regular blog

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
So it's NOT diabetes ... but it is
Autoimmune Insulin Resistance ... or Insulin Resistance type B (not the kind that comes with PCOS or type 2 diabetes).

OK, I haven't really learned much about it yet
it puts me at high risk for heart attack, stroke, adult onset type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy (already have that)


weight gain or inability to loose weight inspite of reduced caloric intake
high cholesterol inspite of dietary changes

That's all the information the doc emailed me so far ..and that's all that I've found about it on line ... they treat it with diabetes medications.

My brain is having a hard time wrapping around this one ...
You read so much, hear so many docs on the morning news shows, Dr. Phil, experts on Oprah etc say that most people's obesity is related soley to their habits and that it is very rare to have a metabolic disorder that causes it.

I've been told by my nutritionist and eating disorder counselor and eating disorder psychiatrist that I'm doing everything right ...that the weight isn't coming off because of metabolism ... but I didn't believe them ... i mean ..all the experts that have written books say that it doesn't happen ... it's always your fault ..it's your behaviors, what you eat, what you don't exercise ..what you do ... what you don't do ...

but this test ...shows ... that my eating disorder treatment team is right


It's a fairly serious diagnosis from a physical standpoint, especially with lupus and MG already ...but from a psychological point of view ... it's probably a really good one.

I see the endocrinologist on February 7th, which sounded like a long time, but is really only 6 weeks out. I see my primary doc next week. I'm having an EMG on the 17 to find out how bad the peripheral neuropathy has gotten in my hands and feet. (I thought it was no big deal, the rheumatologist had specifically asked me about peripheral neuropathy and told me I HAD to tell my neuro, he got a bit alarmed). I see the ortho doc on the 12th to check my knee from when I fell on the 17th ...

Adding on ...
What is Insulin Resistance?Insulin resistance is a decreased ability to use insulin to transport glucose into the body’s cells where it is needed for energy production. The pancreas tries to compensate for the cells’ glucose deprivation by producing more insulin.
Insulin resistance is an impaired metabolic response to our body's own insulin so that active muscle cells cannot take up glucose as easily as they should. In that situation, the blood insulin levels are chronically higher which inhibits our fat cells from giving up their energy stores to let us lose weight.

I still can't get over
It's not my fault.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Christmas at the Eagler's
by Peggikaye Eagler
Adapted from Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas Eve, when all through the house
Not a creature was sleeping, not even a mouse;
The stockings were slung at the chimney with dispair,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were jumping all over their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads;
And I in my 'kerchief, and Dad in his cap,
Had just sat down, many presents to wrap,

When in the kids bedroom there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter.
Through their door I had heard a loud crash!
Tore open the door, was it a head that was smashed?

The moon through the window, would it show?
What was the cause of the very loud blow?
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But two mischievous children a hold of each other's ear.

With a look that said, they better quiet down quick,
They knew in a moment, quiet better had stick!
More rapid than eagles my scoldings they came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, children! Now, sons! Now, brothers stop vexing!
Or I will be forced to treat you to a parental flexing!
To the top of the bed! and next to the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So I promised their presents would follow them too
If quiet would not very soon begin to ensue!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a the cry of a wolf,
The child was yelling it could be heard through the roof.
As I reached down and turned around,
The cat had jumped, it was in the lights bound.

She had stuff in her fur, from her head to her foot,
And her fur was all sticky with something like soot;
A bundle of toys she'd managed to find in the back,
And she looked like a thief who'd found the pack.

Her eyes -- how they twinkled! Her meow how merry!
Her paws had obviously been in the pie, cherry!
Her little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And her paws were red, instead of white as the snow;

The stump of a ribbon she held tight in her teeth,
And the tape encircled her head like a wreath;
She had tape on her face and a little round her belly,
That caused us to laugh like a bowl-full of jelly.

She was chubby and plump, like a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself;
I gave the cat a wink, and I twisted my head,
Told the kids "quiet, you'll have nothing to dread";

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
Picking up the room, then one kid said "you are a jerk",
The other kid answered laying his fist aside of his nose,
And once again the volume of fighting rose;

Dad sprang to their door and he gave a whistle,
And promised them he would sit them down on a thistle.
I heard him exclaim, to bed, get out of my sight,
"it's time for a

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Blogger Idol

Travel ... As a rule, I don't like to travel. But there are a few things I would be willing to leave my hometown for. A meeting with Max Lucado. A trip to Yosemite National Park ... I grew up there, I miss it terribly. I would travel to meet certain friends ... my friend Kelly and Sam (girl) from high school. I would definitely travel to meet a couple of friends that I've met on line... Deneice (The Journey) and Erin & Erin, Wings in Canada ... a few others. All I can think of when I think of traveling is the discomfort ... the cramped space, the uncomfortable, unfamiliar bed, the whatever ... the change in routine. But ya know, there is a road that I'm traveling that's hard, and uncomfortable, but every day, I push on, and I climb higher, and deeper, and it becomes more difficult and more rewarding with each step. Growth. Growth as an adult ..the journey into adulthood ... a bit late for me to start, I'm already 40, but I waited till I was 36 to start. The eating disorder kept me in my tight little box, and kept me from looking out, taking up my suitcase, stepping out ... traveling the hard road of adult life. I'm doing it now, and there are days when I want to scream "BUT I NEVER AGREED TO TAKE THIS ROAD!!!!!!" Then there are days, when I see the rough road, I see the rocks, I see the dips, valleys and traps on the side, and I look at the surroundings ... I see the mountainous heights the road leads to, I see the trees that line the rocky road, I see the creek that God has provided for me to rest beside when the road gets just too rough. I see the rocks that try to block the path, and when I look closer, I see they are colors, of black, and browns of every tone, some gold ones, some red ones, grays of deep, light and almost white, and I see the beauty in the rocks, meant to trip, or so I thought ... and I realize, that I get stronger when I climb over them, they are there to help me get stronger, even if they are not placed there by the Creator ... He will use them to help me grow stronger. When I get tired, and the road seems dark, and desolate, I become afraid and terrified, but I'm looking down, and I see only the red dirt of the path, not the beauty of the road. When I look at the bigger picture ... I can see that while it may not be easy, it is beautiful, and worth the trip. Eventually, I will reach the summit, and when I am there, I will be able to look back at the beauty that was the struggle ... and rejoice in the traveled road.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
Here is the quote for today: "It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot

Monday, December 20, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

This week Top 5 Blogger Pics by me are ..and in no particular order ...
5. Sanity Optional (Blondzilla http://blondzila.blogspot.com/)

4. biscotti brain ... http://biscotti_brain.blogspot.com/2004/12/first-date.html

3. Tuneottv Braindownload ... http://tuneouttv.blogspot.com/

2. Lake Neuron ...

1. The LivingRoom (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) http://www.livingroom.org.au/blog/archives/first_date.php

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I'm never gonna learn!!!!!

Pearls and Dreams

Pastor Randy's sermon this morning reminded me of one of my favorite writings of Max Lucado. It not only is in his book "He Chose the Nails" but the segment is in my devotinal Bible ... So, Pastor Randy's wife, Carla, is sitting right behind me.
I hand her my Bible to read the page ... She leans forward ... "Will you read this? This is too perfect"

OK ... my brain keeps saying Carla is my friend, share things with Carla ... Carla is one of my people that I like to share things that God touches me with ...


Geesh it's hard to be friends with Carla and stay in my nice neat quiet little hidden box!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

LONG night

Pearls and Dreams

5:32 ... #6 that one sounded like it HURT, the rest, she just kind of whined with!
She was 5 lbs 13 oz before she got pregnant, 16 lbs 3 oz Thursday ... NO WONDER SHE WAS WADDLING!


Donut had finally decided to have her babies! Benjamin went to bed asking when she would finally have them, we said that we didn't know, we thought it should be before know, but obviously we'd added wrong, or had her last escape wrong. (I thought her last escape was on Samuel's birthday Oct 14 ... kitties pregnancies are typically 60 to 64 days ...the 18th is 64 days)
Shortly after midnight, I heard MEW ... MEW ... MEW ....

So far (1:44 am ... 3 kitties ... 1 gray tabby (Donut is black tabby) and 2 black black kitties. She stuck her head out from under the table once, and meowed at me rather pitifully, I didn't get up, then a few minutes later, she did it again, rather insistantly, So, I got down there, she was licking her 2, I noticed the third hanging from her, and I grabbed it, it was cold, and she pushed it away, then I put it back ..she pushed it away, so ... I remember a dog doing that when I was little and my parents putting the rejected dog in between 2 of the ones she'd accepted, and I tried that, it seems to have worked.
A bit ago, she looked at me again ... this time looked panicked and MEOWED loudly, so I got down there fast this time, she was biting on stripped something between her legs, by her tail, I went to help her pull it out ... it was her FOOT caught! I don't know if she didn't know it was her own paw, she was in a really weird position, and the kittens were nursing, I think maybe she was afraid to pull it out because she didn't know how to get it out without smashing her babies .

So then, about 10 min ago, she looks at me again, this time, not urgent, not desperate, just looks. I didn't get down (the up and down is hard for me!!!!! ... Did I tell you I fell today? .. skinned my knee in a 2'' diameter, and my knee is 1.5 inches bigger around than the other knee! So the getting down is really hurting!)
Anyway, she gave me this second look like "You know me looking at you means get down here, so DO IT!"
So ... I did it, just cause the last 2 times she really did need me and I really don't speak cat!
I get down there, stick my head under the table and she starts PURRING and sticks her nose on my nose! AWWWWWWW
(why couldn't she have had her kitties in the box like we've been trying to tell her for 3 weeks!!!!!!!!)
Anyway ... Benjamin is going to be thrilled with his 13th birthday present. I'm thrilled my kids won't miss out on the new born baby pet experience (before we get the cats spayed in February!) and in the meantime ... Donut is being such a good mommy!!!!!!!!

Oh, and yes, one of the black ones will be named Coffee!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

More medical trauma ... will ED ever go away?

Pearls and Dreams

When will the ED monster ever tuck it's tail and run?

My doctor called. My blood sugar is high ...again. I have to go in for testing for diabetes. Tomorrow.

All I can think of is the required eating ...frequency, amount and that it's no longer a choice ...

And suddenly, I feel like a caged tiger.

Story poetry

Pearls and Dreams

The following story has not happened to me. But for some reason ... it haunts me ... is it prophetic? Will I come across this man? Is it symbolic? Do I ignore opportunities to share my Christ on a regular basis? What will I do when & if the opportunity presents?

A Chance to Obey
by Peggikaye Eagler

I went to the store, earlier today.
I was waiting for my things to pay.
I saw a man, all tattered and worn.
His clothes were dirty, his shirt was torn.

He stood there with his hat in his hand.
Patches showed he’d been all over the land.
A grubby beard in need of a shave.
He’d caught my eye and gave me a wave.

I quickly looked down at the things I’d bought.
Feeling guilty for having so much, I’d been caught!
I took my things and ran from the store,
After all, I’d worked hard, I deserved even more!

I went to bed with an uneasy feeling.
My dreams disturbed me, my spirit was reeling.
In my dreams that man, he’d invaded.
No matter what setting, he would not be evaded.

Never once did he put out his hand,
He did not seem to mind his pillow of sand.
He kept looking at me with questioning eyes.
He wasn’t looking at my house, car or pies.

His head it would bend off to one side.
His eyes seemed to say “what have you to hide?”
Suddenly a sadness came over him,
His expression went from curious to grim.

I peered even closer to get a better look
He held in his pocket a little black book.
He was not asking for my money to give.
But would I share my faith I say I live.

This book had some things he wanted to know
He was sure I could help him, the way I could show.
My savior was what he wanted from me.
To explain my Jesus to tell His story.

The morning sun rose like it always comes
I fixed my family breakfast, grapes and sticky buns.
I looked out the window and saw a dove.
I knew I had to share my Father’s love.

I dropped my kids off at their school.
I asked the Lord my heart today rule.
I drove back to the store, my heart in prayer.
“Lord, let me see him, help me really care!”

He was standing there, his hat in his hand.
The patches still showing he’d traveled this land.
I gave him some grapes and a sticky bun too
“I’d like to share my Jesus with you”

He listened intently then his head bowed.
My Jesus and Lord he’d accepted, he prayed out loud.
“Thank you for caring and sharing more than food,
I never thought God would take me ‘til I was good.”

He walked away from the store that day,
I knew poor or rich, he would be Okay.
I asked the Lord to forgive yesterdays askance.
And thanked Him for giving me the second chance.

© Peggikaye Eagler

Monday, December 13, 2004


Pearls and Dreams

Your Servant
by Peggikaye Eagler

To do your work,
Is my desire,
To live my life,
In the Holy Ghost fire.

To walk and run,
To sit and stand,
Within Your love,
And the Body's Band.

To live eternally,
And walk in power.
Continually growing,
Until the final hour.

Doing your work,
Is my life's plan.
To lift up the Spirit,
Put down the old man

Peggikaye February 1982 ... school assignment.

by Peggikaye Eagler

I have only one thought,
One thought to occupy my mind,
To lift me up and brighten my day,
To help me through any trouble,
I have one thought,
Jesus Christ.

I have only one desire,
I want to lift up Jesus Christ,
I want to praise Him in all I do,
I want to love Him at all times,
I have only one desire,
To Glorify Him.

I have only one purpose,
I want to bring in people,
I want to show them God's love,
I want to show them true security,
I have one purpose,
To win the lost.

I have only one ability,
Without it, I can't do anything.
With it, I can do everything.
With it, I can work for Him.
I have one ability,
The Holy Ghost

I have only one motive,
Without it, I won't be effective,
Without it, I would be lost.
I'd have no where to run,
I have one motive,
The Love of God.

Peggikaye ...February 5, 1982 ..school assignment

My Top 5 Blogger Idol's

Pearls and Dreams

Blogger Idol top 5, and like most ... in no particular order ...

1. Cliff Between The Lines ... As always ... a favorite!

2. Lake Neuron ... very very interesting. I like people who make me think!

3. Sanity Optional ... very nice, selfless ... kind, sweet.

4.M Squared T ... a man after my children's own heart!

5. Writer's Edge ...thanks for the advice!


Sunday, December 12, 2004

All I Want For Christmas

Pearls and Dreams

Christmas Wish List
by Peggikaye Eagler

All I want for Christmas,
A phrase heard this time of year,
Most often brings a smile,
But sometimes, even a tear.

But what I want for Christmas,
Is more than anyone could give,
It's growth, change and challenge,
Stepping out of the box, in which I live.

Can what I want for Christmas,
Be found from within or without?
Through praise and prayer and study,
Grows faith, that pulls me through doubt.

Does what I want for Christmas,
Effect who I really strive to be?
Even in pain and suffering, joy,
Found in God's gift to me.

Even what I want for Christmas,
I find myself thinking aloud,
Fighting myself against change,
In Christ alone, I've reason to be proud.

For what I want for Christmas,
I know comes from the gift of God,
His forgiveness, and His Joy,
It's on His path, forever I'll trod!

This is a blogger idol post, I just can't figure out how to get the blogger idol link on my page!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

My Dad's Shadow
by Peggikaye Eagler

My dad had a shadow,
It followed him all year long,
During the winter, it would go behind,
And throw snow at his back,
During the spring, it would follow him,
Out to the garden to pick up the seeds,
He 'accidently' dropped.
In summertime it would follow him to work,
And make more messes.
In the fall it would go behind,
Jumping in the piles of leaves he had raked.
The one spring he turned around
No shadow could be found,
Only I was standing there,
With a grin on my face and some seeds,
in my hand,
For you see ... the shadow that my dad had,
Was not a shadow at all,
© Peggikaye Eagler

© Peggikaye Eagler

Friday, December 10, 2004

This round is over, hopefully for life!

Pearls and Dreams
ok, it's a stage 1, which is good
normally they don't take biopsies from lymphnodes till advanced stage 2, but with the immunosuppression, they do it at stage 1

he has never seen it in a chemically, or genetically immunosuppressed person,

the only time he's seen it in the lymphnodes at stage 1 is in 2 aides paitents
BUT, theoretically, it's possible, so that's why they check
he said CDC does have cases of organ transplant patients with lymphnode involvement in stage 1,

he's never seen it

first he came at me with this funky round tube
then I heard an AWFUL SNAP
sounded like a huge staple gun (it was some machine that got the whole thing plus borders)

then he scraped with something

then he changed tools again,and I heard scraping again ...but
smelled flesh burning

I opened my eyes and saw SMOKE

he laughed and said "I said keep your eyes closed, that this is freaky!

I go back in on the 23rd for a topical chemotherapy treatment
and find out about the lymph tests
and then,
I'm done ...except for more frequent skin checks.
He says if Dr. M gets nervous about the Cellcept, he'll talk to him.

He says it's absolutely necessary I stay on the cellcept, there was evidence of lupus in some of the biopsies, so it IS in my skin, and since they don't want me on plaquenil or any other anti malarial, the Cellcept becomes absolutely necessary. He said at this point, Myers only has some control of meds, Love Dr. M, but he's so paranoid of cancer with immunosuppression!!!
end of story

Adding :
My biggest problem now, my nose hurts like the dickens!
He had me change the bandage this afternoon ... oh my GORSHGOLLYGEE that's UGLIER THAN SIN!!!

It's about as big around as a first grader's pencil eraser, and I don't know how deep, but you can see the indent through the bandage! It's BLACK from where he burned it! OH MY !

And I get keloid scars!
Sigh, better than the alternative huh?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I copied this from Cliff Between the Lines, who got it from Sanity's Optional ...
I needed a distraction tonight. I'm not going to sleep wondering what's going to happen tomorrow, waiting to find out how bad cancer is, and what's coming? SUCKS. It could be serious, it could be 'hey, once it's gone, it's gone" Melanoma's run the gammet. It's a based on stage, and if it's in my lymphnodes or not ... waiting is not my strength, I can handle almost anything if I know what's going on.

100 Questions

Have You Ever:

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink:

02. Swam with wild dolphins: No

03. Climbed a mountain: Yes, several, I grew up in Yosemite National Park (well, right outside of it, in Mariposa) then lived in Colorado, of coarse I've climed mountains!

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive:

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid: nope.

06. Held a tarantula: oh yea! We'd have a pet one, if we thought it could survive Benjamin. Well, once we got cats, the idea of a tarantula kind of didn't seem so smart.
I have weird tastes in pets ... my list of I wants:
Pirhanna's (plural) don't cringe! they have personalities! I had a friend that I rented a room from that had them, very very cool fish. Don won't let me have one though ... Benjamin likes to pet fish, he seems to think there might be a conflict there
I want a pot bellied pig.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone: Nope.

08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it: Yes.

09. Hugged a tree: Yep, In Yosemite as part of a girlscout picture.

10. Done a striptease: No!

11. Bungee jumped: ARE YOU NUTS??

12. Visited Paris: Nope. Only time I've left the US was for about 25 min, Windsor Canada, just acrossed the US border.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea: Uh, no, but I live in Oklahoma, I see LOTS of lightening storms up close and personal.

14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise:
used to do it all the time. I worked graveyard shift as a waitress!

15. Seen the Northern Lights:

16. Gone to a huge sports game:Let's see, California Angels, quite a bit when I was little, then got to go to a Yankee's game in NY, and the Philadelphia Phillies play the Huston Astro's in 1981, was on a trip with my high school to New Brunswick. If there hadn't been a major league strike that year, we would have seen the Kansas City Royals play too, but they went on strike before we left for home.

17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa: uh, no and you couldn't pay me to!

18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables: Yes. Does it count if it was your parents garden? My part was the radishes. No one was allowed to pick them without my express permission. I actually believed that my parents drove into town just to buy radishes because I was at a friends house and wasn't there to give permission to pick radishes LOL ... I'll have to post "My Dad's Shadow" poem, about my step dad and I and gardening

19. Touched an iceberg: nooooo

20. Slept under the stars: Yes frequently growing up!

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon:
No :( .

22. Watched a meteor shower: Yep, lots of times.

23. Gotten drunk on champagne: nope

24. Given more than you can afford to charity: a few times, not as often as I'd like.

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope: yep, my little brother used to own one. Going to a planetarium was so much cooler though!

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment:yea, and it was frustrating. I lost a friend in the Oklahoma City Bombing. She had sang in a singing group with me, Proclamation. During her funeral, when someone was eulagizing her, someone said something that struck those of us that had sang with her as exceptionally funny. It was very very hard not to laugh, and we were giggling under our breaths, the harder we tried not to, the harder it was not to. But I think Trudy would have loved that.

27. Had a food fight: Don't like fights of any kind shape or form.

28. Bet on a winning horse: no

30. Called in sick when you were not ill:
Yep, and went to the lake with a friend. I borrowed a swimsuit from her mom. The suit went down in back about 3 inches lower than any suit I'd had for 5 years. I had 3 layers of blisters on my back in that strip! (2 on the rest of my back). We'd spent 8 hours at the lake using baby oil. Val and I got soooo sick. Worst I was ever burned. THEN 2 days later, I woke up and all the skin had disappeard from my armpits. Turned out I'd gotten some kind of parasite in the lake that ate my skin! AWFUL ...fun day HEAVY consequences.

31. Asked out a stranger: nope

32. Had a snowball fight: well, yea!

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier:
no way!

34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can: hmmmm a couple of times ... once it was for real, when I found my step dad's body when he committed suicide. The second time was in Drama class, I was improvising and I'd been told to act out a scene where I get a call that my dad has been killed in a car accident. The teacher didn't know my step dad had died just 2 years earlier. (we'd moved away by then, and were here in Oklahoma, she just knew I had a single mom) I think I had a flashback. I remember starting the scene, then teachers from surrounding classrooms busting in to see if everything was ok.

35. Held a lamb: Yep. We owned sheep for about 24 hours. We were supposed to raise them for 4H ... my sister and I took them out to feed them, they were following us, I stopped, they didn't, the sheep just kept walking right over me. We walked in and told our parents to get rid of them all ...sheep and lambs.

37. Taken a midnight skinny dip: No.

38. Taken an ice cold bath: Does bathing in a mountain river count?

39. Had a meaningful converation with a beggar: no, but I did have a dream about it, and wrote a poem about it.

40. Seen a total eclipse: Of the sun, yes when I was about 7. Of the moon, lots of times.

41. Ridden a roller coaster: Yes. Hated it more than I could ever even begin to express!

42. Hit a home run kick ball: nope, softball homeruns, not kickball.

43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days:
LOL ... I was ADHD are you kidding? It was common!

44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking: uh, no, I'd always care!

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day: No but my son does frequently ..drives me insane! Does him tons of good in his drama class. At home? ARGH!

46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors: Well, let's see, Ireland ..no, Native American ... I'm here ... heinz 57 who knows?

47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment: Yes ... happens a lot, when my husband's not around.

48. Had two hard drives for your computer: hmmmm it's lucky i know what a harddrive is!

49. Visited all 50 states: No, all but 7 or 8, can't remember now.

50. Loved your job: well ... no, unless you count the volunteer job I do for my church. i love that.

51. Taken care of someone who was @##$ faced: Yea, once.

52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied: hmmm as a child. I don't have enough now, but ... I'm not pining over what I don't have.

53. Had amazing friends: yes, always,

54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country: nope

55. Watched wild whales: Does watching them in Star Trek count? (when they came back to present day? ok, so that was corney, sue me!)

56. Stolen a sign: nope

57. Backpacked in Europe: Nope, just in Yosemite and Colorado

58. Taken a road-trip: yes, ick, I hate traveling.

59. Rock climbing: yep! But again, back to my childhood.

60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice: nope

61. Midnight walk on the beach: probably not at midnight LOL I was a kid when i went to the ocean. After dark yes.

62. Sky diving:

63. Visited Ireland: no :( would love to. I'm Irish!

64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love: hmmm, does that mean longer than the relationship? It took a very long time for my heart to heal after my divorce.

65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them: Yes.

66. Visited Japan: No

67. Benchpressed your own weight: No.

68. Milked a cow: yep.

69. Alphabetized your cds: noooooo too ADHD for that.

70. Pretended to be a superhero: No

71. Sung karaoke: once! At a mother/daughter sleep over I took my neice to, a friend Cindy and I got roped into it. They took a picture of us, in our jammies, singing, and posted it in the church activity board for about 3 months!

72. Lounged around in bed all day: Lounged? No, been too sick to be anywhere else and thus spent the day there, yes.

73. Posed nude in front of strangers: NO

74. Scuba diving: Nope.

75. Got it on to "Let’s Get It On" by Marvin Gaye: No

76. Kissed in the rain: Yes.

77. Played in the mud: Made mud pies when I was 5.

78. Played in the rain: Frequently as a child, but we didn't have a bunch of lightening there.

79. Gone to a drive-in theater: Quite a bit as a teen. Last one though was ET

80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it: wow, that's a tough one. No, can't think of anything

81. Visited the Great Wall of China:

82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog: no, but I am not sure anyone but Cliff and Deniece are reading my blog

83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better: no

84. Started a business: no.

85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken:
no .

86. Toured ancient sites: no

87. Taken a martial arts class: no

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman: ROFLMHO ... uh, NO

89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight:
nope, never played it at all.
90. Gotten married:Twice, never again. Twice betrayed is more than enough.

91. Been in a movie: No

92. Crashed a party: Nope.

93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have: mmmm would you count my ex husband who shattered my heart after 4 months when he decided he was gay?

94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy: yea, the ex mentioned above, and visa versa ... frequently.

96. Had sex at the office: nope.

97. Gone without food for 5 days: yep. Eating disorders do that to a person.

98. Made cookies from scratch: Yes.

99. Won first prize in a costume contest: I was a chicken one year and a baby.

100. Ridden a gondola in Venice:

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I got a call from the doctor's office, the ones on my arms are fine. One was
pre cancerous, and they got the whole thing. The one on my nose is a
melanoma, and it did not have borders, meaning, the scraping of it to biopsy didn't
get the whole thing. I go in Friday to have the rest of it removed and some
healthy tissues around it and something about checking lymph nodes, although
the nurse didn't tell me how they do that.
She said that normally, they'd take it off today, but since I'm on
immunosuppression, they want it to heal from where they cut me last week before they
cut again so that it lessens the chance of infection.

I'm stunned, I was expecting pre cancerous, or normal. I was not really
prepared for this. I really didn't think it would happen. Also, with the news of
my cousin's acute leukemia yesterday, it's all just a bit much to take in. I
don't know how to tell my family that I have melanoma on my nose!
I dont' see how it could have gone very deep, because it's right on the
bridge of the nose, how can he go any deeper?

Anyway, I've got a rip roarin' headache, that wasn't doing well before the
doctor's office called and has gotten significantly worse since then.

Pearls and Dreams

double post

Monday, December 06, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
I just got this email from my mom, forwarded to her from one of my cousins, it was from my Aunt (my uncle was my mom's brother and he died in 1978, we lost touch with Aunt Pat in 1980's)

I'm heart sick. I can't help from here. I can't donate because I'm too sick, not that Don would let me anyway ..coarse, I wouldn't let him stop me ...

Hi Tami- Just wanted to let you know that Ken is in Salem Hosp. He has acute Leukemia. He was not feeling very good and he had a girlfriend he was going to marry and so they did last Tues. On Wed he got sicker and went to the Hosp. They called him back after he got home and told him he had it and admitted him. He has already had a bone marrow test, surgery to put a shunt in to get his kemo, and two blood tranfusions. He will be there for quite awile. Dennis or Kathy may have to be tested to see if they can give him some good bone marrow and if so that will be done in Portland. We don't know yet. They will try the Kemo and tranfussions first. By the way the girl he married is really nice and her name is Michelle too, That gives me 2 daughter-in-laws with that name. Funny huh? She has a 10 yr. old daughter named Kellie too. She is a business manager at GMAC and seems to be on top of things there. He can't have too many visitors because they are afraid he will get something from them and get even sicker. I have a bad cold so couldn't go if I wanted. Please say alot of prayers and let the others know for me. Love Ya, Aunt Pat

Sunday, December 05, 2004

One protects his dream, One just begins to dare to dream hers ...

Pearls and Dreams

Today, I had the pleasure of having lunch with my pastor, his 2 daughters (his 15 year old has down's syndrome) and 2 other couples from church and a gentleman from India. His father was the founder of a Bible College there, and KV lived here in Oklahoma when his Father died, and he, being the oldest, had to go home to India to take over the College.

I felt so sorry for KV, he was distracted, and you could tell, that while he'd torn his heart to go home however many years ago it was ... the only place on earth he wanted to be today ..was in India. See, there is a group of people, did not quite understand who, through the accent, are standing, literally right outside the college, with bull dozers and wrecking balls, the college is being demanded to pay $50,000 or it will be torn down. The college was paid off years ago, and they do not owe such a debt, but the people in charge, do not care, and they expect Christians to follow the Bible and 'Turn the other Cheek'.
The only reason the bull dozers have not plowed through ... is because it is full of people ..gathered in prayer, they cannot leave the property to go home, to get food, to get drinks, to change clothes, to clean up, they cannot leave, or the buildings will be demolished. So they stay. So they pray.

KV spoke today, he was scheduled to speak on sharing Joy around the world, and yet, his heart was breaking. Our pastor asked that we gather around him and pray, very few adults went forward ... because our youth group, jumped up and gathered around him 9 kids deep before any adults had the chance to. Everyone of us, who has a teen in the youth group, were rather humbled by the eagerness in which our children jumped up to pray for this man with the thick accent, from a foreign country, talking about things they could not relate to. Pray they did. It was a very sweet moment in our church!

Lunch time, we got to hear more of the story, and see more of this Godly man's inner strength, and joy up close. His brother, Abraham, sitting quietly next to him, smiling, yet obviously, not here ... he was obviously in prayer, how I know, I'm not sure .. it just was so apparent even though I never saw his mouth move, or heard a sound. Even my 12 year old son asked me if Abraham had been praying through lunch. But then again, Benjamin is quite the little prayer warrior, so, maybe the kindred spirit of the two touched hearts. Abraham told Benjamin when we left ... keep gentle, keep praying and keep smiling. He needed to hear that as he enters adolescence!

I got to talk to one of my favorite little girls at church, my pastor's daughter. I have 2 favorites, one is one of my best friends little girl, Jessi, and the other is my pastor's younger daughter. She's been my doll since she was 3. She's now 10 and in the 3rd grade. She talked about school and how she wants to be a textile designer when she grows up. She asked me if I thought she'd still want to be that when she grows up because she really hopes so, I told her that when I was in 4th grade, I wanted to write for Jesus, and that's what I'm doing. So yes, it is possible to know at her age what you want to do. When I was her age, I wanted to write and to be a doctor. The doctor would have been cool, and I probably would have pursued that, had I not had to take algebra!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Today is my 17th anniversary. It has been a miserable day. I didn't really expect any less, but still, that really is beside the point.

Don came to bed at 3:10 am (normal time for him to come to bed, doesn't normally bother me, but he normally doesn't wake me up, and even if he does, I just go right back to sleep) but this time, he had to make a point of saying "Happy Anniversary" which was enough to actually WAKE me up. Which was enough to make it quite impossible to for me to go back to sleep. Too late for me to take medication for me to go back to sleep, since I had an 8 am doctor appointment, and since I do not sleep without artificial help ..well, I was awake, for the day.

About 4:30, I finally got tired of tossing and turning and staying in bed was more painful than getting up would be, so I got up.

I went to my doctor's appointment, which took significantly longer than what I'd expected to. I had to go to the dermatologist, expected my typical annual check of my sunworshippers moles and sent on my way, possibly rescheduled to have a removal of one or two, but no, the doctor insisted on removing FOUR right then and there. In the 8 years I've gone to him, he's never removed anything THAT day, and certainlly never removed something on a 'non proceedure day'. So I was a bit in shock, not to mention sore when I got home.

My husband wanted me to go out for coffee with him, when I said "Why?" he said "because it's our anniversary" and I said but I'm tired and I wanted to rest, he said "well, if you don't go now, then we're not going out to dinner later"
Ok, that makes sense, I have to go out now, so then I won't have the strength or energy to go out later (to which he'd be severely offended over trust me!)

He makes these rude, off the cuff smart elic remarks all the time, and doesn't mean them. When he came home from going out for coffee, he did some laundry, so I assumed he'd 'gotten over it' and was washing clothes so that he'd have some for going out for dinner.

I make dinner for the kids, and go in and tell him it's getting late what time does he want to get up to go for dinner and he says "I told you about that Peggi"

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I have learned I am a ChooChoo train ......

I think I have figured out how I cope with things. I've been calling it compartmentalizing, but it's more than that. I have people who will come up to me a week or so after I've been sick, or after the boys have been sick and ask if everything is ok and I just give them this blank look, I've gone on, I have no clue what they''re talking about. Those things happen so much, once it's over, it's over ... I just say that I've compartmentalized it and gone on, and that's the best explination I've had ... but today, I came up with a better one ...

I'm a train and I have all these train cars that I have that I'm tugging behind me. Some, like lupus, MG, kids with TS are permanent, other's like flu and Bj's meningitis are temporary.
When I get sick with the flu, the flu car gets coupled to my train, making my train just a little harder to pull, I need more steamto get to where I'm going. But when the flu is over, I stop,and uncouple that car and leave it behind, going on with my journey.
The eating disorder car, that's probably a permanent car, but it's cargo has been unloaded, it will always be attatched, but the heavy burdened load it was weighted with has been removed, so now, it's just an empty car that I have to be careful doesn't get loaded up again.

I have to be careful that I don't keep going on my journey with train cars that don't need to be still attatched. If one is done, it's important to remember to stop and uncouple it, dragging cars that are no longer existing, is going to make my journey harder. (If I'm constantly thinking about how many cars of colds I've had this year, and not uncoupling them, I need to know how many I've had so my doctor's can take good care of me, but not dwell on them so to speak)

I also need to make sure that I have all the appropriate car trains attatched. So that my train is properly balanced. I have my church car, my family car and my friends car.

When the journey gets hard, is it the tracks are going through mountainous regions ? or is that I have more cars attatched and are they permanent and therefore I need to figure out how to add more coal to the engine? Or is it that a temporary flu car has been added that will shortly be uncoupled and out of my way?

Monday, November 29, 2004


You Are the Loyalist

You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal.
People find you easy to love and care for.
You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises.
You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world.

What number are you?

Sunday, November 28, 2004

More Poetry

A Life Refined
by Peggikaye Eagler

Into the fire,

My heart is placed.
A trial of patience,
Imperfections erased.

My brain says it's pain,
My heart feels it's healing.
The process not pleasant,
For sin it's revealing.

Struggles through life,
Some not my doing.
Others caused myself,
In sin I sat stewing.

Surrender's involved,
And learning to trust.
Exposing my heart,
Being real is a must.

Let the fire burn hot,
Refining the past.
Examine my heart,
Leaving faith that will last.

Like fine precious metals,
Shining silver and gold.
The fire makes pure,
A heart that was cold.

Refiner's fire burns,
My soul feels it's purpose.
My testimony for God,
Reflecting love Glorious!

© Peggikaye Eagler

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Fear, no, maybe FEAR would be more like it

I had quite forgotten just how badly MG can feel, and how helpless it feels when it gets bad. As badly as I feel every day, it can, and has in the past, felt so much worse!
My doctor wanted to start me on Lipitor. She worried for 3 years about my cholesterol, not wanting to use an anti cholesterol medication on a myasthenic. She talked with my nutrionist. We worked on it. She talked with my neuro, who told her he's been worrying about it for the 12 years he's known me.
Well, turning 40 did it for them and they decided that it won't do any good to save my life from MG to loose my life to a heart attack at 45. We had to at least TRY the statin drugs.

I was placed, last thursday(week ago) on a very low ...VERY low dose of lipitor. 5 mgs, lowest dose is 10 mg, so I had to break the pill.
She warned me that it was possible that permanent muscle damage could occur so it was very important that I be on the watch for increased muscle weakness or pain. That was the Tuesday before my birthday when she did labs HOPING that my recent weight loss brought about a drop (not a raise, which is what happened) in cholesterol. She made me repeat back to her the risks. She started me on a new drug in September for migraines, she asked me what I thought, called my neuro and he asked her what I thought, she asked me what the risks for MG were, because she couldn't find them. That was SO casual, she was SO serious about this drug!
So I go to pick up the bag on thursday the 18th and in it, is a note reminding me of the warning signs ...
Monday the 22nd, the nurse calls to make sure everything is ok
Wednesday the 23, the neuro's nurse calls to make sure everything is OK
I assure them, it is.
Friday I get up to go early bird shopping with Don ..well, rather than retype it, this is the email I sent to my doctor

I felt like I was walking through jello. Someone was asking me questions about sizing for jeans she was buying for her nephew and asked me if I had asthma because I was short of breath. Then walking out of the mens department, the change from carpet to tile threw off my balance and I fell and had to have help getting up. I haven't slept good the last 3 nights (Tuesday 11/23 Wednesday 11/24 and Thursday 11/25) and that could be the factor causing this, but it is a bit more severe than what I would expect for insomnia. Stress of holiday and the bouncing around of temperatures? Those are also things that tend to flare my MG up ... so I am not at all sure it's the Lipitor. My pain has been worse since Monday, but then, it gets worse everytime we have dramatic weather changes up or down and this has been a roller coaster week for weather ...so again ... ????? Anyway, it's a bit scary for me getting this weak, so I'm stopping until I hear from you otherwise. There are so many things right now that it could be beside the lipitor,and if it's not the Lipitor, I don't want to not use it. It is a bit scary to take something that can cause so many problems for a myasthenic, and yet, letting cholesterol go with my family history is a bit scary too. I emailed my dad and asked him how old he was when he had his heart attack and was cholesterol a factor and he said that he was 49 and that yes, his cholesterol was 260. Then there is my mom.
I have already gone to my MG mail lists/boards as was suggested by the docs before I took it, and the stories of the permanent, irreversible damage these drugs have done, is rather frightening. Needlss to say, I am a bit afraid right now.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

and while I was posting about mickey mouse ...

Someone sent me this ... When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that her child was missing.Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her littleboy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star."At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit.""Keep playing." Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child,and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played. Only the classic, " Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."Perhaps that's the way it is with God. What we can accomplish onour own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music. However, with the hand of the Master, our life's work can truly be beautiful. The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't quit." "Keep playing." May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.Remember, God doesn't seem to call the equipped, rather, He equips the 'called.'Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone by passing this little message along.May God bless you and be with you always!

stepped on toes, but still

Ok, my toes have been rather sharply stomped on. D told me repeatidly to stop, as did C. but I still can't help but think ...

PUBLISHING HOUSE WANTS MY BOOKS??????????????????????????

God's humor ... My own writing stepped on my toes ...

But Then Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler

I don't think I can go there,
Lord it's too many miles,
I'd get too tired and worn,
But then: Jesus was put on trial.

It's just too hard to understand.
Can I ever break this code?
IT's beyond my abilities,
But then: Jesus walked down the road.

To learn and grow is not easy,
Sometimes my heart feels like it's ripped.
It's just too painful to change,
But then: Jesus bore being whipped.

What you're asking is too much,
I am sure the task I will fail,
I'm not sure I can take the pain,
But then: Jesus hands and feet bore the nail.

The task You have given me,
Seems beyond my skills to grasp,
The stretching beyond my limits hurts,
But then: Jesus a last breath, for me gasped.

The road seems long and hard,
But nothing compared to Jesus gift,
So work and struggle for God I'll do,
So then: My praises to Jesus I'll lift!
© Peggikaye Eagler

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


Well, on a whim, I sent my children's story to the publisher that wants to see my devotional book ... they responded almost immediately and said they want to look at the children's story too!

Hmmmm, and me? where does my brain go?

Wonder if they will publish anyone who comes down the pike .....

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving
To one and all!
I hope your day is filled with family,friends and wonderful things to be thankful for!
God bless each one of you and may next year you have even more to be thankful for than you do today!

The Eagler's
Sugarfoot (cat)
Donut (cat)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The Thirteenth M&M

The Thirteenth M&M
by Peggikaye Eagler
Passing out the cup, she said "take some, but don't eat,"
Everyone, not quite trusting, took a few, but wanted the treat.
When everyone had gone around, she let us know the plan,
Each person had to count them out, each woman and each man.
"It's four days till Thanksgiving, and thanks we are to give,
However many M&M's, you give thanks for the life you live."
Around the room each person said, the things that touched their heart,
From being allowed to serve Uncle Sam, to God's giving a new start.
Each person gave thanks, some brought a laugh and some a tear,
For life, and love and friendships, that we had not realized we held so dear.
When everyone was done, and time was almost up, we realized that there was
We could have gone on for a while, even though we needed to go out the door.
Each and all had counted the M&M's to measure our thanks and our praise,
From three to twelve was the count, but we all realized the thirteenth was still to be raised!

Sunday, November 21, 2004


You have to realize that I was a child in the days of "don't trust anyone over 30" ... I wasn't a teen when that was the montra ... but I was a child who heard it ... so 40? What is 40 but OLD. And I have heard, from so many people, who don't quite realize that I have been sick for much of my adult life "oh, 40, that's fun, that's when the body starts to fall apart" ... they have no idea how much fear that strikes to my core.

When I was 36, I had a full body CT scan and xray series done, and the radiologist reading it said in the report to my doctor that he couldn't read the xray's till he had the correct information as someone had transposed the age of the patient to 36 and this was obviously of a 63 year old woman, and he needed the correct birth year as 1964 did not appear to be accurate. It was not ammusing then. It is scary now! Especially with the added diagnosis of lupus!

40! FORTY ... no denying that I am in mid life. No longer 30 something. Even 39 is still 30 something ... somehow closer to 30 than 40. FORTY ... I keep trying to tell myself that at 40 Moses left Egypt for the desert, and 80 returned, 40 isn't that bad ... 40 isn't bad ... 40 isn't bad.

But I'm 40 ...and sick, and disabled ... and poor ... and without a whole lot of accomplishments for my life. Today doesn't feel good ... I feel like I have wasted my life in an eating disorder that kept me from progressing into adulthood ... and here I am 40 without the clout of a 40 year old.

That's what's wrong with 40 for me ... I guess I feel I don't deserve 40?

Saturday, November 20, 2004

This dream disturbed me ...

Pearls and Dreams
First some real life facts ... my husband and I are both on disability, I have myasthenia gravis & lupus and my husband had polio. We have 2 sons 15 and 12. We are working towards getting a house through Habitat for Humanity, with me doing most of the work. I am also trying to start a ministry with writing and have a publisher interested in looking at a devotional book that I have written.

So here's the dream:

The dream started with us on a vacation of sorts, we were in a camp site type place and packing up for the day. I sent the boys off to the showers to get cleaned up, where they proceeded to get into a fight loud enough, that I had to go break it up. I just took my own cleaning up stuff with me.
While there, I ran into a man that had been an old friend of mine, much older, African American ... very James Earl Jonesish in personality,looks and mannerisms (in real life, i have never known this man). He was getting cleaned up and seemed surprised at seeing us in so out of context of a place, almost ashamed. I introduced him to my husband after we had all had our showers and we fed him breakfast for which he seemed TOO grateful.
My husband and I talked about it on the way home .. I was telling him how this man had one time been very rich and wondering what happened because if I hadn't known better, he seemed homeless! My husband said that he didn't know better and homeless is what he was. His judgement of my friend upset me ..but then, I understood why he felt that way.
We got back home, and I was in a hurry to get to our Habitat class. If we missed it, we could be out of the program, but my husband seemed to be blocking me at every turn. First I couldn't find the folder I had to have, he had it ..he was SITTING ON IT. I finally got it, and then he started to argue about having to feed the boys and taking care of the boys himself. I kept saying I didn't have time to argue, I had to get to Sears and to get to class or we were going to lose our house. I finally just grabbed the keys and left him yelling at me... I hit something with our car on the way out of the driveway, and was so frustrated I just didn't care. I stopped at Sears as planned, and the sales girl spilled a whole thing of stinky perfume on me, so she took me and some fresh clothes (offered by Sears at no cost to me) to their showers to get cleaned up. I'm in the middle of showering, and this man comes in and he's shocked. I'm standing there, buck naked, but not embarrased for some reason.

He is suddenly in tears as he said "I should have known, I should have known when I saw your family in a public shower that you were homeless like me. I'm so sorry, forgive me for not being more understanding!"
I tried to tell him that no, we had just been camping, and this was a mistake too ... it was because I'd been doused, that I had to use this public shower, but he wasn't listening.

He insisted right there on writing me a check, that he would mail to my mom to make sure that it was 'above board and seen as honest' so that my ministry could get started off on a good foot. He said it was going to be the largest check he'd ever written.
By then, I'd covered myself with a robe, and was looking up my mother's address for him.

I went to class for Habitat, only to find out that my husband had taken the calculator out of the folder and I couldn't do the work assigned in class (it's financial class). So very frustrated and realizing I was going to have to go home and explain to him why I was in clothes he'd never seen before ... I was just ready to loose it by the time class was over.

The next day, I was at my mom's house when she got the envelope from the gentleman in the showers ... we opened it up and the check was just a slip of paper ... he'd written out the ministry name that we'd told him that we'd wanted, he'd written the amount of $55 and date, signed it, but there was no bank, no name at the top, it was like a child's homemade check. My mother and I were heartbroken for this man as we realized that he not only was homeless, but was not fully in charge of his mental capabilities anymore.

My husband was very irritated ... he was furious that this man got our hopes up only to write us a phoney check ... I woke up at that point. Irritated.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Funny quote

"All my problems are of my own making. I either married it or gave birth to it."

Schools should not be a torture chamber!

What is wrong with a teacher who proudly admits to telling a 12 year old 6th grade child, in special education class ... "If you fail this year, I will make sure that it is the most miserable year of your life!"

AND Proudly admits to having said that in front of the school principal, the school district special ed director and the school psychologist and the child's parents, grandmother and children's pastor from the child's church?

What could possibly posssess someone that feels like that to teach school, much less to teach junior high, much less to teach junior high special education?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The only saving grace is that while this man is still my sons history teacher, he is no longer my sons case manager! The special ed director did not say anything to him while he yelled at us, demanding our respect but admitting to threatening our child. The special ed director did nod her head rather vigerously when the principal admitted that things were said by teachers that 'they as the administration feel should never have been said and would be dealt with'

But the damage is done and even if they fired him on the spot ... even if this man never saw my son again ... my son was still told by a special ed teacher that he (the teacher) was going to make him (my son) miserable! And that cannot be undone!

I just am so tired of fighting this school district. Bj is in the 6th grade, he's 12 years old, almost 13, we have been fighting this district since he was 2, almost 3 ... 10 years. I have taken them to due process 2 times (and won!) I have had the school special ed audited by the state senate educational committee (and changes were implemented) have they not learned I will NOT sit idly by and let them harm my child??!?!?

My mother warned me (she's taught special ed 20 + years) that they will not remove my son from this man's case load. She said that is the ultimate slap in the face, disclipline they can do to a case load teacher. But they did ... We finished the meeting with some things that might work to help, but we did NOT finish the meeting with anyone in the room but the special ed director & the school vice principal acknowleging that Bj really does try and that what they are saying is "just not working" is actually stereotypical of ADHD behavior (can do it one day, not the next ... can do things they want to, have an interest, can't do things that require effort ... )

I can't wait to get our habitat for humanity house and get the heck out of this district!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

oh yea ... and my left ear hurts like you wouldn't believe!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Ok ... just what is it about November that gives me bronchitis? I am coughing my little head off again, congested and in pain. My throat is killing me. And once again it's mid november and I will be celebrating my birthday either sick or getting over being sick ... I don't think I have EVER had a birthday that I wasn't coming down with bronchitis, smack dab in the middle of bronchitis or getting over bronchitis!

Ugh! I just wanna sleep until it all goes away ... problem is ... I can't sleep more than 15 min without waking up coughing!

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams'

Please excuse the mess of this blog, I am currently trying to get it back to the nice neat blog that I once upon a time had it at!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Heart of Lace
by Peggikaye Eagler

The mask that I wear,
Hides a wall of tears.
The smile shines bright,
Hiding shadows of fears.

You ask me, I'm fine,
But my heart cries in pain.
You hear my laughter,
Not the whispers of shame.

What I show my friends,
Is not what's inside.
What is shown to the world,
Covers well what I hide.

The mask seems so thick,
It's glued to my face.
The clothing of stability,
Covers a heart of torn lace.

Just how to unmask,
My coverings of show.
Just how to trust,
Is something I don't know.

Will I ever attain
Who I long to be?
If I'm hiding behind
A person who is not me?

© Peggikaye Eagler

One week and counting dum dum dum dum dedum dum dum dedum

I have but one week left in which I can claim, legitimitely to be in my 30's. After next Sunday morning ... for me to say I am 30 anything ...will be either a lie or the beginning of demintia! 40 ..wow ... just how does one get to 40? It just seems so right for others to be 40, the business people, lawyers, doctor's, professional people ...they've done something with the 39 years preceeding that number ...but for me? I haven't done anything but chase after doctor appointments and children and tried to keep an insane marriaage together. I know of 22 year olds that have accomplished more in their life than I have. Shouldn't 40 be reserved for those who have actually EARNED the number?

If one more person says "ah yes, the body starts to fall apart at 40, that's when the fun begins." I swear I'll have to scream at them ... excuse me ... Is hould be exempt form that one! My body started to fall apart at 24 thank you very much! It's just soo much fun when you can see 22 year olds who have accomplished more than you have, and see 70 year olds who can DO so much more than you currently can do ... geesh.

I don't feel well today ... my throat hurts, my left ear hurts, my chest hurts again ...bronchitis type hurting ..do I have bronchitis? do I have a lupus induced pleurisy? I guess I'll find out on Tuesday ...

STop the world ... I wanna get off ...

Amien influenced blogging ... I accept all credit, but no blame!

Pearls and Dreams

So, if this is good. It's my writing skills. If it's screwballly, or just plain WEIRED ... it's the ambien talking.

I am so frustrated ... we''ver workd our butts off with Habitat for Humanity ...scratch that ... I HAVE WORKED MY butt of for our Habitat ... don has gone to a few classes lasting less than 30 min each .l.. big whoop! For the credit of us going to the workshops (he went to 5, I went to 3 ...his longest one was 50 min, my shortest one was 3 hours 15 min!)

I go to the financial planning classes every 2nd and 4th tuesdays ... I do all the homework for them... his piddly little job ... ot make sue that theh check is there IN the door by midnight on the first.

Tuesday night after the election, Don keeps talking about all the bills he''s paying the next day ... I asked him if he'd gotten the Habitat one paid ... nno .
They have a no grace .. we loose our escroww!! Today we got a check for it all back and we have start all over in December. I thad BETTER mean just the escrow account no tht sswweat equity!

We have 500 hours needed
450 to start building
we have to pay $50 per month to have a $5000 escrow to put down on the house when it starts.

We have 187.25 hours in.
Don ...
2 for orientation
3 for one night at financial class when I was too sick to go
5 of the 8 workshopss that equal 25 hours total. (like I said, the loongest ACTUALL time spent was oonnn very short meetings, then ones I went ..for like lifesaving and frist aide they took the whole freakin time!
I don't remember going to 3 of them, don doesn't remember going to more than 5, but they have us down ... so th Will class that I thought was just money manangemnt for us may have been will claass AND money managment ...

Here''s the break down ...

Habitat For Humanity needs us to do a down payment of $500 a month at the begining of the month ... period, noo exciusese, nothing matters. they even said "if you're mother's in the hospital, get your pastor to drop the check off" No mercy.

So ... ticked of at me for caring for my mother while she's in the hospital ... let Nov 1 go by... and it wasn't until AFTER the election that he remembered and went and paid.
Today, we got the checks back in ... so financially, we're right back at that 10 montss! I don't know what it does witih our hours. I am not sure if this wipes everyhing clean or not.

THis of coarse is MY faultt because if I hadn't distreacted him and abaNDON3ED my family to take care of hher at the hospital where there are people there to help her ... ARGH

Anway ... IF we don't have to start over again ... here is how it stants ...

Need 500 sweat equity,, boys can onlly do sweat equity in work shops or grades ...

Don has ... 2 hours orientaion
3 hours finanncial I was too sick to atttend
5 work shops on homeowndership ... longest one was 70 min. (the 3 I went to ... lasted 3.5 hours!)

Benjamin has : kids tyedye workshop ... 2 hours
grades 4 hours (grades are 1 hour for A 1/2 for B)

Samuel has : Kids tyedye workshop ...2 hours
grades 3.5 grades

ME on the other hand ...

2 hours orientation
3money managment
3 woodshop
3 woodshop
3 woodshop
3Money Managment ( 4 bj' grades as mentioned above)
3Money Managment
3 Money Managment 10 for Writing a will (stored at Cindy Foster's house)
3 money 3 grades .. Samuel ... 5 hours
3 money managment
1 class call sheet
3 tracking june
3 tracking july
Having a checking account 10 hours

Building Cite hosstess ... 4.5 hours
3money manangement class
budget 4 balanced August checking account 3

Building Cite hostess ... 1 hours
Restore ..... 10 to 20 4 hours
Restore ... 9:30 to 2:30 5 hours
Building cite hostes ... 7:50 to 11:35 3 hours and 45 min

Money managment 3 hours
Aug. tracking 3 hours

Sept tracking 3 hours

9:25 to 2:40 5.25 hours

Money manangment 3 hours.

Money Management 3 hours
grades ... 3.5 (samuels)

9:15 to 2:40 = 5.5 hours
9:00 to 2:00 = 5 hours

Money Managment 3 hours
October spending/tracting ... 3 hours
check book balance ... 3 hours
personal inventory ... 10 hours (total for the night ..19~)

9:115 to 2:30 5.25 hours

Saturday, November 13, 2004

no phone, no contact with the outside world!

Pearls and Dreams

I have just lived through a vERY frustrating week. Phone cable was out. Saturday, they said that it would be fixed on Sunday, so Sunday two line techs came out and said "it's not in your line, it's in the cable, you need a cable tech"

SBC proceeded to send out 2 more line techs (wednesday and thursday) to come to the same conclusion!

Finally today, they sent out the cable tech and our phone line is back up and running. I tell you what, it's one thing to be without a computer for months ... but even a week without phone??????? ARGH!

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

St Francis?  Is that the best you could do?
You're Francis!

Which Historical Ruler Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Ok ...some advice is needed ... how do I link another's blog onto my blog ...

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless

Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.

© Peggikaye Eagler

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

WELL ... it's almost midnight. That makes me one day closer to turning 40.
Part of me is not happy ... 40 ... wow!
If one more person tells me the body starts to fall apart at 40, me thinks I'll scream!

Ok, so it didn't take one more person, just one more thought! My body started to fall apart at 25! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!

Bu then again ..40 ... how many times have I heard "Life begins at 40"
Moses ... left Egypt to start a new life at 40, to spend 40 years before going back to free the slaves before spending another 40 years wandering around.

Last weekend with my mom in the hospital, this very pretty little nursing student came in the evening. Bubbling over with life, and excited to start her life ... I was so envious ... to be able to start life at 20 and know what you're wanting to do. She saw my Arbonne lotion I'd taken up there for my mom and commented on needing using the hormone cream. I was shocked, what does a kid need with the hormone cream?
I asked her how old she was ... 42! That made me pay attention, she is just starting life again.

So it's making me feel old because of the pain and fatigue ..but I'm also very excited about what God is doing and where he is taking me and I feel like I'm on a new journey that will take me deeper, higher and freer than I have ever been!