Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy, I wish you were here. I would give anything to celebrate this day with you. I still miss you. Normally, I give the tribute to you on the anniversary of your death, but this year, that day is the release of my book and it will be a day of celebration, for the first time since 1979. I will not share that celebration with your suicide. It's the end. It's a new beginning. New life. I have a wonderful husband, and two great kids that you should know, and a beautiful house and a new career starting ... and February 5, the day, that marked for so long, the end of life as I knew ... once again, will mark the day of life changing .... but this time, it will be a celebration. I love you Daddy, and I forever will. The year it hit 25 years, I wrote you the following letter ...

Dear Daddy,
It's the end of 2003, in a few weeks you will have been gone from my life for 25 years. I doubt that there has been a day that I have not thought about you. For many of those 25 years-- I have fought the emotions that try to crowd out my brain. I think a part of me feels that when I face it- 'it' you will be gone and then you are REALLY gone, or worse ... I will have to face the anger I have never admitted to having.
Dad, I never wanted to face this, but now I have friends whose lives are in danger and I can face it and be there for them -- or I can run from them and never know if they made it or not.

I don't know where to start, so I'll walk you through my day, the day my life changed forever. The day, you changed my life forever.

I got up that morning and you gave me a ride to school. The last words I ever heard from you were "Peggi, I love you" I went into school that day, wishing desperately that you'd get rid of that awful blue Ford Truck that we had! After all, we lived in the big city of Pueblo now!

I had an exceptionally good day in school that day. I had challened for chair in clarinet and actually won! I will never forget the two songs. "Dust in the Wind" and "Don't Cry Out Loud" I can't stand those two songs now ... especially "Don't Cry Out Loud" ...would you still be here if you'd been willing to cry out loud?

I went into my math class - I hadted that class! We'd taken a test the friday before. I was doing awful in math that year. I knew I was going to disappoint you again. The math teacher handed out the tests - on the top of mine was a big A- ... a 91%!!! I couldn't believe it! I couldn't wait to show you!

The test, challenge for my chair .. a successful challenge! I was finally NOT last chair! You were going to be so proud of me! I couldn't wait for my hug!

School was FINALLY over and I RAN all the way home. I saw the truck in the driveway and burst through the door yelling for you.
You weren't in the living room.
You weren't in the kitchen.
or your bedroom.
I ran down to the basement.
I ran back up to the kitchen and on the dining room table was a note on a yellow note pad. A legal pad.

You must have gone for a walk.

I read the note.
I didn't understand it! But through my confusion, I started to cry. I got to the bottom - "You wil find my body in the shed" I started to run out back.
I could hear someone off in the distance, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I got to the shed door. The screaming continued. I opened the door, and I could still hear that screaming off in the distance.
You were there.
I have never described this to anyone - I guess it's time. I don't know how long I stood there ... listening to the stranger in the distance screaming ... it seemed like forever.

(triggering for trauma)
Did you know that hanging yourself would grossly effect your appearance? Did you know your eyes would be open and buldging?Did you know your lips would be filled with blood and the lack of oxygen turn them bright blue? Did you know that I would be the one to find you? What were your thoughts? Did you regret your decision before you died? Did you know that the image of you hanging there would be forever emblazoned on my mind?

I slammed the door and ran back into the house. The screaming in the distance had never stopped! I called the police, the screaming finally stopped. My throat started to heart, and my ears started to ring ... somehow, I became aware that I might have been the one screaming.

I called the police ... or was it 911? Not sure. They had to calm me down from the screaming ... when they finally got me calmed down I told her that you'd killed yourself. She asked me how I knew -- did I find the body? I told her 'no'

I don't know why.
not sure I ever will I don't think any amount of introspection could reveal the why of a traumatized 14 year olds answer to denial. She asked me if I heard a gunshot. I cried "no, he left a note"

Soon, the neighbor, next door, he worked nights, came to the door. He'd heard me screaming. He came and talked to the operator on the phone. She had him take me next door till the police got there.

The next hours are filled with memories of terror. I only remember so much - and yet, it is all so clear. I remember trying to comfort my mom with quoting Romans 8:28. I am still waiting for that promise to be fulfilled. I cannot see any way shape or form how things are better with you gone from my life. I think you would like who I grew up to be. But I think I would be better with you being a part of my life.

Here is where I stop my story, no matter why I'm telling it, writing it, or thinking about it. I never let myself dig deep. I can't handle the thoughts and feelings it leads to ...so I just don't go there. I've put the facts down but not the feelings, so I guess, it's time to talk about those feelings.

How could you leave me? Did you know my world revolved around you? Didn't you know that you made the fact that my 'real dad' didn't like me ok? Didn't you know that I didn't mind mom ignoring me because you loved me? Didn't you know that I was safe because you were my Daddy?

The memories you gave me have carried on. I can still hear your voice when we sing hymms like When the Role is Called up Yonder or Amazing Grace, or Old Rugged Cross or What a Friend We have In Jesus.
I can still HEAR you sing praises to God and hear you read the Bible verses at the dinner table!

I felt lost without you. Nothing sounded right, smelled right, taksted right or looked right. You're gone, so it's not the same! You were always the one to stand in the gap betwee me and the rejections I got ... from Debbie ...from my real Dad ...from Mom.

When you died, mom got upset and said "who is going to eat the heels" I can remember being very upset. Now, as a mom, I realize it's the little things that count.
At the time, I was mad, I wanted to scream at her that it wasn't about her ... this was about you.

But somethings never change ... it is still about her. Her loss, her grief (which, is real) I can remember when I finally told the teachers at my school that I didn't just find a note, but I found you, (In a traumatic flashback) I heard Mom on the phone with a friend asking for prayer ... she called all of her friends asking for prayer for her ...because she was so hurt that I never told her. She told Judy that I was trying to protect mom, that's why I denied finding you.

Mom went to counseling to help her deal with the knowlege that I'd kept this secret. But she didn't put me into therapy. YOU would have been the person that would have to have helped me through this type of crisis. But you were gone. Worse, you were the cause of the crisis. You were the one who kept the family balanced and you left. You chose to leave!

I learned to hide my grief and fears and sadness. You're not there to help me, so I stopped growing the day you died. Many things that I have had to face in therapy all come back to when I learned to hide from myself -- the day you died. When I denied seeing you.

We had a closed casket funeral. Everyone else wanted open but I couldn't bear to look again. I didn't know at that time that they could fix the grotesqueness that you hanging yourself had caused. I never saw you after seeing you hanging there in your tourquoise pants and shirt with swollen lips that matched the clothes. I never have gotten to hear you sing hymns again.

I have never been the same and to to this day the words 'suicide' or 'kill yourself' or anything of the like sends chills down my spine and a flash picture of you in my mind ...of you hanging there ... in the shed ... and me ...helpless ...someone screaming off in the distance.

I can't bear the thought of loosing someone else by their own hand so I protect myself. If the person I am close to starts talking suicide, I run ... I am no longer friends. So, if they do, I've lost nothing. I cant' feel the pain of grief.

I'm mad your gone Dad! I'm mad you chose to die! I'm mad that you put me in a place of grief. I'm mad that when I needed you to protect me the most, when you had the biggest opportunity to protect me from something you not only didn't protect me but it was YOU that put me in harms way. Daddy, when I needed you the most, you betrayed me. You failed to protect me from the ulitimate rejection: your chosen death.

So, here I am, a dozen pages (hand written) still sitting on the couch and nothing has changed except that I finally admitted that I was angry that you left. Maybe now that it's out I can face my friends grief. Maybe now I can trust myself to protect myself through prayer instead of denial ...to place my heart into the hand of God.

I admitted that you made me angry Daddy. But I still miss you. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. Harold Wayne Pearson January 31, 1929 - February 5,1979

Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless

Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.

"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?

Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.

© Peggikaye Eagler

Monday, January 29, 2007

Pearls and Dreams

We had a guest speaker today. A former pastor of our church. I'd only seen him once, and I've never met him (not even today). I'd never heard him preach till today. He was quite good. I understood why he was so loved as the pastor of the church.

His love for God ...so evident ... his love for God's people of all ages ... oozed from every fiber of his being. Just as I was wondering ... can a former pastor come serve as pastor again? He made the comment of "If only I was 40 years younger!" Well, I guess not ... I guess he's saying he's retired ...and not willing to take that position. It's a shame.

Tomorrow, Benjamin starts school again. Our last day of homeschooling behind us. We are in the new district, the one with the exceptional special education program. I went to enroll him last week. The woman who was less than polite made the not so quiet remark to her co worker about it being "3 weeks into the semester, what do these parents think they're doing?"

I wanted to quip back ... "you're gossiping within ear shot of my 8th grader, what do you think you're doing?" I didn't, I pretended I didn't hear. When I was in there last summer, she'd made a negative remark about every person who came in the door, I'd learned, that she really doesn't have anything nice to say. It's her, it's not me. It's also not the district. It's sad that that is one of the first people that parents have to deal with when going to the district.

My other response was ...and this I really almost DID respond ... it's ONE day into the third week ... the first week was half a week .. and the second week was snowed out ... he's missed exactly 4 days of the semester. Please. Get real.

There was a problem with the records ... so it took all week to get that straightened out ...so tomorrow is his first day.

We're nervous. I'm hopeful. I've heard so many good things about this districts special education program for so long. But, he is so not trusting of teachers after what he's been through. He is just so sure they are going to say and do mean things. He has made so much progress through homeschooling ... he's come such a long way!

My goodness ... he read the HOBBIT! There was no way he could have read that when we pulled him out! In the time he's been out of school, he's learned about aviation history, he's learned about the egyptian mummy's, he's learned about politics and world relations. He even watched, and discussed, the Presidential address last week! He watched the whole thing, start to finish, and talked about it with his dad for about 20 minutes afterwards. He watched some of the commentary ... and told his dad why he thought some of it did, and did not make sense!

What he's learned over the last several months, is that, he can learn. That he is fairly intelligent, even if he has to learn it differently. Sometimes, it doesn't even take longer, like it was thought ...it's just DIFFERENT ... now ... it's a matter of hoping we can work with the school, to make sure those differences are appropriately addressed ... so that he can work and still learn ...and not shut down and be scared again.

After I take him to school, if I don't chicken out, I think, I'm going to go to Toastmaster's. We'll see. I have to A) be brave enough and B) feel well enough.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Pearls and Dreams

note ... the barnes and noble link takes you to amazon page ... I will fix it in a bit.

you can go to barnes and noble.com and look up my book if you're a member to get the discount.

I will fix this post when I get back on line ... ARGH!

How to Get Friday Fellowship

How to get a copy of Friday Fellowship.
There are several ways to get a copy of Friday Fellowship.
One, you can go to PublishAmerica.com and go to their bookstore and do a search for it. I would put a link, but their links don't have 'memory' and you'd just have to search for it again. (I think, they want you to see their site :) )
Two, go to Barnes and Noble.com (book club members get a discount)

Four, you can send me a check or money order for 15.95 + shipping and handling, email me at FridayFellowship@hotmail.com to find out where to send the check to, etc. This, will take the longest, But, I will be able to sign it if you want it signed (why do people do that?) Six to 8 weeks minimum, because we have to order the book, (we have the 4 to 6 week turn around) then send it to you. Not trying to discourage you, because this is the best option for me as an author (I make more money on the book this way) but, I do want to be honest at this stage of the process. When we get some in stock at home, it will be easier to send it out faster.
And Five, Wait a couple of weeks, it will be available for stores on February 5th, you can go to a Christian book store, and probably Barnes and Noble type stores, and ask them to order it if they don't have it and give them the Title, Author and ISBN number which is
Friday Fellowship
by Peggikaye Eagler

More ViewsMore Views
ISBN: 1424157722
Pub. Date: December 2006

Just an FYI on the Barnes and Noble site it said that :
B&N Customers Who Bought This Book Also Bought
Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson
Mitch Albom
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Zora Neale Hurston, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat
Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Anna Quindlen, Betty Smith
Overcoming Life's Disappointments
Harold S. Kushner
The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity
Julia Cameron

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Time, Bible, Panic, Contemplations

Pearls and Dreams

So, This may turn into quite a long post. I forgive you now if you don't want to read it.

When I first started to write again, and everyone started to push me to publish ...one of the comments made was "do you know how much money you can make?" (answer ... not much!) I would get very upset, I didn't write for money, or for praises ... and I couldn't seem to get people to understand that I wrote to share what God has done in my life. I wrote, for one reason ...to bring glory to God. To me, that's what it is about ...to others, it means more.

We learned a song in church that I immediately fell in love with ... Only a God like You ...

Only a God Like You

Words and Music by Tommy Walker

For the Praises of man,
I will never ever stand.

For the kingdoms of this world
I'll never give my heart away
Oh shout my praise
My allegiance and devotion
My heart's desire and all emotion
Go to serve the Man
Who died upon that tree

Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
To only my Maker my Father my Savior
Redeemer Restorer Rebuilder Rewarder
To only a God like You
Do I give my praise


So, clung to that, telling God that I wanted nothing more than to bring glory to Him. I wanted to stop writing because it was bringing attention to me, not to God. But, I kept being prompted to write. So, write I did.

Sold articles to Focus on the Family, Tulsa Kids and Community Spirit ... and the writing the book.

I wrote the book, because I thought it was what God wanted me to do ... the follow through to get it published ... was, I thought, an act of obedience. I sincerely did not think it would go anywhere.

When I first found a publisher, my reaction was: what kind of Mickey mouse publisher would actually look at my book? (yes, I actually asked that question to a friend!)

But, they not only wanted to look at it, they wanted to publish it. I let it drop, because ...well, things were chaotic. Ironically, (God thing) a month after things calmed down in my personal life, the publisher CALLED and said "hey, that book you submitted 18 months ago, we still want!" (not exact words) hmmmm

So, I followed through this time. As you all know, it became a published work. Exciting stuff ... heady stuff ...and stuff ...that panic attacks are made of for people like me.

To blog, with my name on there ... I did intentionally, because, I knew I was working toward being published. But, there is still an air of anonymity to blogging, no matter how public the blog is. It is still ...anonymous.

Suddenly, with the book, there are newspapers calling. I have a responsibility to go to book stores and say "Hi, I'm Peggikaye Eagler, this is my book, order it!" I have to have book signings ... many things that a responsible author will do to make sure that the book is a success.

I've kicked, and I've screamed at God ... and I've had some serious, SERIOUS panic attacks over this. No, I'm not going to ...and the reporters come anyway.

So, on January 7th, we sang that song ...and God reminds me ... the book, is for HIS glory ... It's not about me, but it's a tool he's used ... a calling he's given ...so ... I must obey. It's not for my praise, but for him. Suddenly, my heels in the sand ... were working against me ...my declaration about I'm not doing this for me ... was double sided. If I'm not doing this for me, but for God ...then don't I have a responsibility to see it through? (Don't ya hate it when God uses your prayers to stretch you?)

So, the answer is given ... I have a responsibility to do this. This doesn't help the panic. Doesn't help the fear ...and I'm terrified.

I talked to my psychiatrist and he mentions something about hypervigelence and PTSD. It kind of made sense, except, I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop ... I'm terrified I'm going to mess this up. My fear is now stemmed from a fear that I cannot live up to what's been asked of me. I have failed, so many times ...what makes me think this is really going to be different?

The panic wells up in me ...and I become paralyzed. I am coming to realize that ... God understood panic, and panic attacks ...one of the scriptures that I clung to when I was sooo hurt and lonely before my marriage was healed was Psalm 91.

I had to go to a funeral today, and the 'officiator' read that. ('the officiator' is actually our now resigned pastor, he's only been gone 3 weeks, but it was SO good to see him today, didn't get to talk to him, but I got to see him, and he gave me a hug.) and I heard a verse ...anew ... like I'd never heard it before ...

11 He has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go. 12 They will catch you in their hands so that you will not hit your foot on a rock

My eyes about jumped out of my head. I'm so scared I'm going to trip this up, that I'm the one that's going to be the one to drop the other shoe ...that I'm not able to succeed at this ..and there it is ... so that you will not hit your foot on a rock.

That, combined with some other scriptures ...Proverbs 3:21-26
21 My child, hold on to wisdom and good sense. Don't let them out of your sight. 22 They will give you life and beauty like a necklace around your neck. 23 Then you will go your way in safety, and you will not get hurt. 24 When you lie down, you won't be afraid; when you lie down, you will sleep in peace. 25 You won't be afraid of sudden trouble; you won't fear the ruin that comes to the wicked, 26 because the Lord will keep you safe. He will keep you from being trapped.
Proverbs 3:1-5

1 My child, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in mind. 2 Then you will live a long time, and your life will be successful. 3 Don't ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet. 4 Then you will be respected and will please both God and people. 5 Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. 6 Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.

The realization that God, understood that I would be afraid of the sudden fear, the panic ...and that I would be afraid of the success, that I can't do it ... is quite the revelation.

I don't know how in the world I'm going to come up with the courage to walk into the bookstores. I don't imagine when it comes time for book signings that I'm going to be thrilled. I will not be overly thrilled at speaking engagements (already been asked to do one). But, I can, and probably will get used to it ...because I'm seeking after God ...and I'm trying to do His will ...and this is ...about bringing glory to Him.

Now, if only I can remember this all when the panic attacks hit ...*crossing eyes & a Moofie cough*

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Wednesday Wackiness

And the Ice Age continues inspite of the video that's on my DVD player right now.

I cannot believe the weather we're having this winter.

I'm beginning to feel like the Mammoth in Ice Age ... "A thousand years ago it was covered in ice ... a thousand years from now it will be covered in ice!" Where is our meltdown????

We normally have a bad storm a winter, and 2 to 3 days later, you cannot tell we've had wintery precipitation ...

This year, blizzard in December, first in Oklahoma history ..and 10 days later we were still looking at white stuff. Here we are ... in January, we have already met our winter quota for the year ...yet, an ice storm hits on Friday ...and here we sit with yet another "snow" day for Thursday. Yes, it could be worse ... I could be without power, or ...I could be still in the delapitated trailer.

I got out today for the first time. I went to my urologist. He started me on Sanctura. Better than self catheterization. I was annoyed because he insisted on calling my neurologist first. I told him that I could take it, as long as I was cautious and paid attention.
He got iffy ...and decided since it's an anticholenergic (sp?) that he better call.
The drug comes with a warning ...do not take with myastheia gravis. yea .. I know. But it's a risk vs benifit thing.

I've taken my first dose, my eyes are dried out and I'm thirsty as all get out. My vision is a bit blurry, and I'm fighting double vision. Till more Myasthenia symptoms show up, I'm not going to worry. Blurry vision is a side effect of the medication ... OR ... I've been stressed out today, and that alone could cause my vision to double.

I started my day off with a reporter at my house to take a picture of me with my book. He was very nice, thankfully. But, this publicity is getting to me. I haven't even done half of what I should be doing. I also didn't count on it taking off on it's own and word getting out without my help (he found out through the Tulsa Ministerial Alliance yearly meeting ... they found out through Habitat ... )

I guess I should get used to it. Somehow. I keep thinking of last years 5th Sunday dinners at my church that I wouldn't even go to because I didn't want to be on the spot. Ugh. This is causing a new level of panic attack. I did talk to my psychiatrist about my weird reaction. Why can't I enjoy this and why is it bringing up such fears ...he said "PTSD ...hypervigilence" there was quite a bit in the .... but, that was the gyst of it. I'm trying to learn about it now ... see if I can get some kind of control on it.

Now ...if the ice would just melt ....

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

How DARE she!! ;)

Pearls and Dreams

Difficult Patient tagged me!!! HMPH!

I have to write stories using 6 words ... only six. No more, no less. Um ... DP ...you do realize that my typical article that I send out for publication is like 1500 words, and I have to work really hard to keep blog posts under 1000 right??? Geesh.

Ok ... let's go ... true stories.

1. Daddy singing, daughter listening, hymn remembered.
2. Kids tease mercilessly, Daddy hugs child.
3. Scribbled words, mother smiles, shows friends.
4. Nightmares, choatic past tangles future fears.
5. Rhyming words, pen flows freely, necessary.
6. Daddy hugs, daughter smiles, Daddy gone.
7. Grown up world scares, self destruct.
8. Homecoming court, unattainable dream, happens anyway.
9. Marriage comes, marriage goes, marriage comes.
10. Children beautiful, sick, wonderful, proud mom.
11. Body fails early, life is scary.
12. Faces childhood nightmares, not easy, run.
13. Works to change, life can't stay.
14. Things will change, things will love.
15. Life rollercoaster ride, pay the man!

Ok ..so I cheated ... my 6 sentences to tell a story, told an individual story ...but also told my story over time.

that was really interesting. I wasn't going to tag anyone ...but that was really really interesting. DP only did 6, I was only going to do 5, then kept going.

I'm going to tag a few people but if you don't want to do it, I understand.
Artemis, Dr. Deb, Fat Doctor and of coarse ...Wanda ;)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Ice and Heat

Well ..Tulsa got hit again ... we stayed safe in our home .. although we did see a transformer explode the other night. That ... is not something I want to see again!

My sister also saw one explode.

We saw the whole sky turn blue ... even the air on the ground was blue. Not fun stuff.

We kept electricity (knock on wood) but the electrical line next to us is heavy with ice. I keep looking at our very tall, old pretty pecan tree ... going ... stay there ... new house ... pretty tree ...stay tall.

I know now what a true hot flash is. It's not pretty. It kind of scared me when it was happening (who am I kidding, it scared the daylights out of me). It took me about 20 minutes after it was over for me to realize what had happened.

I've had what I thought were hot flashes, I now, from hence on, will describe those as mini hot flashes. I've had night sweats for about 4 years.

This ... was definitely a hot flash. Either that or my house was on fire and no one but me knew it.

I am always slightly chilled. It's a default of the lupus. My feet and my hands, actually ...just me. So, I usually am well covered, robe, socks, slippers, blanket,... and I'm sitting there, minding my own business watching a movie with my family. We take an intermission and suddenly ... I swear someone turned on the furnace to 150ยบ!!!

My heart started racing, I couldn't catch my breath ... I was throwing (literally) the blanket across the room, yanking my robe off, and yelling at Bj to get my socks off my feet. I was snapping at who'dever listen .. "WHO TURNED UP THE FURNACE??" When no one would admit to it, my husband offered to check it. When I started to yank my Pj bottoms up to my knees and my PJ sleeves over my shoulders, he ran (my husband running is quite the site with his scoliosis, limp and other such issues) to the ceiling fan switch and said "See if that helps!"

I swear, if I'd been alone I'd have stripped!!! I could not get uncovered enough ,or fast enough.

I had no idea that it was ME and I had no idea what was happening. I knew I couldn't catch my breath and that my heart was racing and that I was TOO hot.

About 3 minutes later, I cooled off (a bit too much) and we all went back to the movie. I was sitting there, and my heart rate finally slowed ..and my brain was going a million miles an hour ... "what the HECK?" As I was thinking that I couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, it struck me the number of times I'd heard that phrase on comedy routines and in sitcomes ... crud ... Hot flash.

But ... I'm only 42!!!!!!

So, I do this nice little search on early menopause. Loverly ...42 is by no means considered early for this.

Well, at least next time I'll know what's going on. My family did real well in helping me. Maybe we can just get a routine going and call it the Mom's fire brigade?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Color Quiz

Pearls and Dreams

There are some really creepy truths to this!

ColorQuiz.comI took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Wants to establish herself and make an impact desp..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Pearls and Dreams

A few hours ago, I was on a friends My Space. They had this celebrity look alike posted on their page that showed a face recognition program of which celebrities they most look like. It, was pretty accurate.

I laughed and told her that I'd done it before ... it told me that I looked like Will Smith.

Three hours later, I'm not laughing. At first, it was funny. The first couple responses I got ... were in fact, Will Smith. Then, Tiger Woods.

I was laughing as I asked my husband ...um ...is there something that you need to tell me?

So, I kept picking pictures (as it suggested for differing responses) to see what else it says.

The more I tried ... the less funny it got. About 30 minutes ago, I started to realize, the fault wasn't with the program ... there is an accuracy to the recognition program ... and, it's pointing out something that has been bugging me for quite some time.

After Will Smith and Tiger Woods ... came Oliver Stone ...After Oliver Stone came a man I'd never heard of before ...Zamenhof ...he evidently created the Yiddish language. Then, Corey Feldmen. Then Bob Dylan ... and the final nail in the coffin ... Tommy Lee Jones.

Why didn't I tell it I was a female ... I DID.

As I started to get frustrated with the program, my bangs fell into my eyes, and I pushed them back, frustrated again that we didn't get my hair cut this week.

That's when it struck. That's what's wrong.

I told the program I was a female. But ...with my thin hair and receeding hair line ... it sees a balding head. I try to pretend it's not that bad ... but the truth is ... it's BAD.

My hair, in a ponytail, is not much bigger around than a pencil. I cannot keep it in a barrett, because my hair, my whole head of hair, is simply too thin. I can wrap a ponytail band (normal size) around the ponytail ...10, yes, that's TEN times. My hair is so fine, it takes hair spray to keep it in the ponytail band, because it is so fine, it will fall out ... yet, I have long hair.

My hair, is falling out, a lot. When we sweep the floor every day, there is always several pieces of long brown hair that gets swept up. We've been in the house since November 21, and we've already had to clean my hair out of the bath drain. My brush, is rediculous ... I have to clean the hair out of it twice to brush my hair.

My thyroid is fine ...that's been checked. Repeatidly.

The docs have an answer. None of them like it. I don't like it. It's 3 parts ...1 ..partly hereditary (although, not nearly enough to explain this) 2 ...lupus and 3 ... the Cellcept. Suppress your immune system enough and plop goes the hair.

So, I'm going bald ..and there isn't anything I can do about it.

I've found pictures in the last few weeks of my hair from a few years ago, thick and healthy. It's really bothering me. It seems, in the last 18 months, it's gotten significantly worse. In the last 4 months, it's REALLY been bothering me ...and then ..the last 2 weeks, I've complained to my family and one of my friends relentlessly about it. And now ... I do a picture recognition program that tells me ... I might as well be a man. Nice self esteem booster.


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

According to Barnes and Nobles ... other people who've bought my book from them, have also bought the following books ...
B&N Customers Who Bought This Book Also Bought
Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson
Mitch Albom
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Zora Neale Hurston, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat
Tree Grows in BrooklynAnna Quindlen, Betty Smith
Overcoming Life's Disappointments
Harold S. Kushner
The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher CreativityJulia Cameron

More About Friday Fellowship
Product Details

Product Details
ISBN: 1424157722
ISBN-13: 9781424157723
Format: Paperback, 176pp
Publisher: Publish America

It is really kind of weird knowing that those who have bought my book have bought those other books. What a priviledge to be put in that category of inspiration! You can't ask for better.

On Amazon, there is a review, for my book that reads : *****
Excellent Book one that you must have in your library, December 24, 2006
Reviewer: Redfeather "Tom" (Oklahoma) - See all my reviews
Devotional books and books of encouragement are literally a dime a dozen, but Friday Fellowship by Peggikaye Eagler surpasses them all. Friday Fellowship is a book written by a true servant whose desire it is to draw closer to her Lord, while at the same time helping others find the same peace and understanding that she has found. Friday Fellowship will not only help you develop a personal devotional time with God, but will help you to grow in your faith and find the peace and strength that only Christ can give. To quote from the words of the author, "My prayer is that God would speak to you though the poems, His Word and the essays. I do not want this book to be just a `feel good' book to fill you with warm fuzzies. I want your heart to be challenged and confirmed and convicted." Peggikaye Eagler has achieved her goal in her incredible book, Friday Fellowship. If you are needing to develop that personal quite time with God or simply needing something to enhance your relationship with God, then you really need a copy of Friday Fellowship by Peggikaye Eagler. Come walk with this author as she so elegantly shows you how to grow in Christ and find that relationship that every believer desires.

Tom Ward, author
The Enemy Within
Outposts of Hell or Portals to Heaven
I'm Saved! Now, What's Next?

I'm getting a bit annoyed at this point in time with the self publication houses. I think, if one more person says "how long before you recoup your investment?" or "how much did it cost you to publish it?" I'm going to faint.

It is very hard to smile at this point and sweetly say "No, you don't understand, I'm not self published, they are paying me to publish"

After saying it fifty times or more, it's getting annoying ...and I just want to say ...NO ... THEY PAID ME!

EXCUSE ME, THEY are paying not me!

Or any number of impatient responses.

Me, being me, doesn't respond that way. Thankfully. I usually just explain that I'm with a royalty publisher, and they are paying me.

It's not that I find anything wrong with self publication, and I know people who choose that route on purpose ..and I know people who are planning on choosing that route ... and there are many reasons why they would choose that route.

It's just right now ... I'm annoyed ... because it's the assumption that I went that route ... the surprise that I am good enough to not have HAD to go that route is no more surprising to me than to anyone ...so I'm not sure why I find it so annoying. I just do.

Well ... it's 1:30 am ...so I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

More praying needed

I was eating a late dinner tonight. I was planning on calling Teresa to check on Kylie girl when we got done. Just as we started to eat, the phone rang. I assumed it was for one of the boys, so I didn't even move to answer it.

It wasn't, it was for me. A lady from church called. One of the teenagers from church, who now is away at college has been in a BAD accident. He's in critical condition. He has major head injuries, a lacerated liver and broken ribs. He's in his sophomore year in college, so he's got to be like 18, 19, maybe 20 at the most.

The heartbreaking thing, his older brother, when he was close to the same age, was shot, and paralyzed. His mom, now has to deal with this. She has 2 sons. Please pray for them, all of them.

They are trying to get mom onto a plane to GA now. If you're a medical type person in GA who happens to visit this blog, and you just happen to have had a kid this age by the name of Zach who came in this shape ... please ...please PLEASE take good care of this boy! He's a good kid! Lots of people back here in Oklahoma love him.

I have more I plan on posting, but it's late, so it will have to wait for another day.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Prayers ... Please ... now!

Several months ago, I posted and asked for prayers for a little girl. Kylie.

Kylie is the baby of a friend of mine. At the time, she was 17 months old and had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. A rare tumor Atypical Teratoid / Rhabdoid Tumor (ATRT). It's not a good diagnosis. The prognosis ...is never good when a baby has this tumor.

My heart broke as my dear friend, pregnant, going through a divorce, raising a 10 year old son, had to face this ugly monster in her beautiful daughter's brain.

As time has gone by ... I haven't posted much. Partly, because, it's her story, not mine. Partly, because ...I haven't really had to ask desperately for prayers often.

ATRT tumors give kids a 10% chance of survival ...and well ... every circumstance for Kylie ...has seemingly placed her IN the 10% category. It does appear that she is going to be in the 10% ...if we can survive the treatment ...she will most likely beat this cancer.

Things like ...one of the reasons that brain cancer is sooo hard to fight ...is that blood supply doesn't reach the tumor.
One of the reasons that they could not remove the 100% of the tumor ...was because ... it was on a blood supply!!!!!!!! Meaning ... Chemotherapy ...goes straight to the tumor!

After just 2 treatments ...her tumor had shrunk in half. UNHEARD of progress!

She's had complications. It's possible, that she'll loose her eye, because of damage to a nerve in the brain surgery. Infections galore. Predinsone moon face ... oh my it's been a rough ride.

But ...the treatments ... ARE WORKING! The tumor is SHRINKING! She's surviving.

But, today ... we need your prayers ... Despereately ...please.

Kyliegirl is now almost 2. This month. Her mamma called me today. She's got an infection in her bile. She had to have another surgery to put a drain in her stomach. Today a lung collapsed.

So far, they've kept her out of ICU. They've kept her off of life support. They're not sure if they can keep it that way. Mamma, is really scared. I'm really worried about my girls (Teresa ..mamma and Kylie girl).

Her baby brother was born in October ...and this week, Teresa finally asked her mom to take the baby home with her, because it was too much, she needed to give her attention to just Kyliegirl.

Please pray ...with everything in you ...pray. For Kylie, for Teresa ... for all of them.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Year in Review

My friend "Mr. Snuffy" (sorry Snuffy, couldn't resist) had this on his blog, and I thought it was a terrific idea. So, I stole it. Here is the first post from each month in 2006.

I didn't post in January, because I had no computer at the time ... so I will start in February ...
February 2006 ... Home again Home Again, Jiggity Jig
March 2006 ... Ramblings
April 2006 ... I posted 2 times ... I promise and Saturday Afternoon
May 2006 ...Swamp Plant and Cactus Revisited (this, and it's original, are amoung my favorite things I've ever written!EVER.
June 2006 ... Pearls and Dreams
July 2006 ..Freedom (ok, so the FIRST post was a bunch of silly quiz galaxy quiz results, BUT both were on July 1st, so this counts ...right?)
August 2006 ...Complications (you know, if I'd not blogged in 2006 ...I'd not have known I had bad days last year!!! The memories, are all good ones!
September 2006 ... This Weekends Dedicated Posts Tribute to the MDA and an explination of why I, Peggikaye qualify as a 'Jerry's Kid'
October 2006 ...Whoops
November 2006 ... Book Meme I can Live WithI actually tagged myself with this Meme!
December 2006 ...:) I was smiling, because it was the day my book went to print, and it's already out! WOW.
And so ended, the best year of my entire life! The funny thing is ... We expect it to just get better from here.

Thanks for blogging along!