Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

time passing

So time has flown ...this last year has been a difficult one to say the least. The family drama, which I've kept off the blog.

I blocked my blog because of the family drama so that I could post my feelings about it. Then realized there is someone who reads it that I really need to explain what's happened. Since my phone doesn't dial long distance, and I didn't think reading it on the blog was appropriate ... I've left it off the blog.

I had my therapist uncerimoniously removed from me. (read back to post in April about being on a tightrope)

I had a doctor threaten me ...get back into therapy or find another doc.

So, I got back into therapy.

I left my beloved church of 11 years ...to have no one call and say "Is Don OK?" or a call that says "We'll miss you, but do what you need to do"

I knew I was leaving my church ... I did not know i'd lose my friends in the process.

I started school ...and struggled tremendously the first semester ..and got 4.0 the second.

My teeth continue to deteriorate ...the oral surgeon made it abundantly clear ... it was only bulimia that caused it. There is no medical condition or medication that caused it. I destroyed my teeth with builimia and bulimia alone.

I was diagnosed with gastroperesis ...a problem that often goes with diabetes, but can also becaused by builimia ... I don't have diabetes ...draw your conclusions.

the complications of the ED have been front and center ... and I've fought getting better.

But the realization that I'm 44 and need to have all my teeth taken out ... is a bit sobering.
I'm 44 and loosing all my teeth ...dentures at my age, at my own hand.

lots to ponder as May ends ... I'm moving toward recovery ..but I need to find out what exactly that means for me.
My therapist is concerned I see it as a destination, rather than a journey ... so I need to work on my mindset.
But it was either: recover or fully give into relapse and live that way.

i chose the moving forward ...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Therapy and blankets

The two songs I've posted today were recommended to me by my therapist. Talking about healing ...real healing.

Therapy has gone a bit strange in the last few months. I have this brick wall up ... and getting it torn down again has proven harder than I thought. I guess loosing ground with one therapist, then having the other yanked out from under me, the psychiatrist loosing his license ... all of that had a bigger toll on me than I'd anticipated.

The sessions with L are stilted at best ... she isn't a therapist that is willing to just shoot the breeze for an hour ...

It's funny, last week she didn't think we'd made any progress and I saw a lot ...this week I felt like it was odd and she felt like we really made progress. I wonder if the two of us will ever be on the same page.

Honestly, when I started seeing her, I was eating dinner only. No snacks, no lunch, no breakfast ..and was pretty much determined to stay that way. When she said last week that she couldn't record that she'd gotten me anywhere with the eating disorder ... I reminded her of where I started with her and where I was ...eating breakfast most days, lunch almost every day and had even added almonds for a snack. That ... is a far cry from where I was!

My *WILLINGNESS* to be there ... no, that's not changed. A big part of me wants to go back 8 years to when it was ok to have an ED and participate fully in ED behaviors and it all be ok (in my mind it was, but I had to hide it because no one would understand)

In my journal (I shared this with her) I put that my ED was like a blanket with a toddler. Taking it away causes anger, anxiety and comes with great resistance.
The blankie is old, tattered, torn, full of holes, and worn thin. But the toddler doesn't care! To take it away is to take away the comfort that it offers.

But like a toddler with a worn out blankie, my arms and legs are getting tied up the holes. The blankie will no longer cover me, offer me warmth ... and has grown too small. It no longer serves the purpose it once did (to keep me thin, in control and some symbolance of percieved order). Yet, when someone tries to take it away, I dig in my heels and fight like hell to keep it a part of me. Determined that some day, some how it will work once again. It's grown too small, it is no longer effective except in allowing me some self comfort and denial that it actually works.

You can relax now - Shaina Noll- in the beauty of Nature

How Could Anyone Ever Tell You by Shaina Noll

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Straight A's

Peggikaye Eagler got STRAIGHT A's for the spring semester of 2009!!!!!!!!!!!