FORTY??????????????????????????????????

You have to realize that I was a child in the days of "don't trust anyone over 30" ... I wasn't a teen when that was the montra ... but I was a child who heard it ... so 40? What is 40 but OLD. And I have heard, from so many people, who don't quite realize that I have been sick for much of my adult life "oh, 40, that's fun, that's when the body starts to fall apart" ... they have no idea how much fear that strikes to my core.

When I was 36, I had a full body CT scan and xray series done, and the radiologist reading it said in the report to my doctor that he couldn't read the xray's till he had the correct information as someone had transposed the age of the patient to 36 and this was obviously of a 63 year old woman, and he needed the correct birth year as 1964 did not appear to be accurate. It was not ammusing then. It is scary now! Especially with the added diagnosis of lupus!

40! FORTY ... no denying that I am in mid life. No longer 30 something. Even 39 is still 30 something ... somehow closer to 30 than 40. FORTY ... I keep trying to tell myself that at 40 Moses left Egypt for the desert, and 80 returned, 40 isn't that bad ... 40 isn't bad ... 40 isn't bad.

But I'm 40 ...and sick, and disabled ... and poor ... and without a whole lot of accomplishments for my life. Today doesn't feel good ... I feel like I have wasted my life in an eating disorder that kept me from progressing into adulthood ... and here I am 40 without the clout of a 40 year old.

That's what's wrong with 40 for me ... I guess I feel I don't deserve 40?