Pearls and Dreams
I'm off to Physical Therapy in a bit, dragging some because of the brilliant weather changes we've had this week. Plus, I didn't wake up last night, so I didn't take my middle of the night mestinon dose, so, my muscles are a bit weaker than they normally are. Hopefully by 10, they'll have caught up.
I''m still not overly happy with the lack of options to relapse on will in order to continue to develop in my spirituality and as a functioning adult, however, I think I am a bit more on solid ground. I did get up and fix my breakfast this morning, without giving it a second thought, first time in probably 6 weeks.
A friend from church took me out to lunch yesterday, and made me talk about all this. One of my accountability partners. She made me face it, made me talk ...made me SEE it. She was there when I had the panic attack while ordering and wouldn't accept the allergies excuse for the tears in the eyes.
We talked, we came up with some solutions for me, and talked about the reality of how I bury things and pretend all is fine until it blows up in my face ... as it's done this month. Was the primary explosion caused by Don going into the hospital? Or was the primary explosion caused by my change in food plan of eating small meals throughout the day ...forcing me to think about it through out the day ...all day, every day. Then the secondary explosion caused by last weeks visit to the cardiologist and don's finding out that his scoliosis is worsening?
Whatever the case, I've found myself guilty once again of showing everyone just how strong I am, and how much I depend on God, and all my good qualities, and fearful that if I show them any less than my best, that they will see me as a failure as a Christian, and therefore see me as a fraud, and my relationship with God as something less than something worthwhile. That refusal to be genuinely real, geniunely vunerable ...is what got me head over heels deep into the ED to begin with.
I'm thankful that this time, I had the smarts, healing or whatever to reach out to my treatment team, my accountability team & my church leadership to say HELP! I'm still freaking out, but I'm coming back up the other side, and I'm feeling a little more like I'm on the cliff's edge with a decision to make rather than the tightrope.