3 steps forward, 2 steps back

I posted a couple of days ago, about my eating disorder, and kind of implied that it was all in the past, well, those, who know me well, know that while it's behaviors are in the past, the thoughts are still with me on a daily basis. For the last several weeks, especially the last week, I've really really struggled. Relapse, looks attractive ..inviting and ... eminant. The following is an email I sent to my therapist yesterday :When do I become more than a decision away from not relapsing? When does it become not a battle and a thing of the past? I could SO easily throw in the towel at this point in time and if someone could show me the slightest evidence that it wasn't necessary to recover ...I'd relapse tomorrow, today. I know that I have taken so many steps, some baby, some giant and I have come eons from where I was when I walked into the doors of your offices, but ... it is still SO very hard. There are some times that I can go weeks, months and I'm doing great, and then ... it just gets HARD and I can't ...and I'm struggling and it's hard and I just don't know how much strength I have in me to fight this thing! I know that my life is upside down and sideways stress wise right now, Bj's school situation, don's health, my health (hello cardiologist) and just raising teenaged boys ... not to mention everything else .. and that probably has everything to do with why it's hard ... but when do I grow up enough that this isn't an issue? Why is my spirituality not enough ? Why is it so damn hard?Why is it that food has become scary again? I had a stupid PANIC attack in the grocery store wednesday! I don't want to eat! Purging HAS crossed my mind again. I actually stopped and looked at a box of laxatives ... I'm working out really hard in PT and my friend, Cindy, commented today that maybe it's for weight loss purposes ... I'm really pushing it there ... really pushing it (gone too far a couple of times) ... I thought she was absurd, but 2 hours after her comment ...after having eaten lunch and wishing I hadn't ... I'm wondering .. is she right? When does this merry go round stop? I thought I was past all this, I thought I was ... I really did, I thought I'd surrendered all this to God. I HAD surrenedered this to God. I don't WANT THIS SO WHY IS IT SITTING IN MY LAP AGAIN?!!!!!! My eating disorder has been two things to me, a tightrope & a cliff. For most of my life, it's been a tight rope, climb up on it, take a few steps, fall or jump off and enjoy the thrill of the fall, and try to ignore the pain of the crash at the bottom. The cliff, has only been there for the last year and a half, where the solid ground is recovery, Christ's strength, my ability to cope without using the eating disorder to deny things. Solid ground on one side and having to make the decision to step off the cliff. For a year and a half, I've been on the edge of a cliff, solid ground on one side, the option to step off the cliff on the other, if I fall, I could still fall on the solid ground of God's arms ... sometimes I've been on the edge of the cliff, sometimes a few feet away from the cliff, sometimes I've had my back to the cliff and have ignored the fact the cliff is there.Right now, I'm on a tightrope and there is no solid ground anywhere nearI step wrong, I fall off, I loose my balance I fall ... no solid .ground on one side and having to make the decision to step off the cliff. For a year and a half, I've been on the edge of a cliff, solid ground on one side, the option to step off the cliff on the other, if I fall, I could still fall on the solid ground of God's arms ... sometimes I've been on the edge of the cliff, sometimes a few feet away from the cliff, sometimes I've had my back to the cliff and have ignored the fact the cliff is there.Right now, I'm on a tightrope and there is no solid ground anywhere nearI step wrong, I fall off, I loose my balance I fall ... no solid ground. Part of me looks down and remembers the thrill of the fall, the release, the feeling of freedom in the flying, the freedom of the thrill of the fall ... and ignoring the pain of the crash at the bottom (not to mention the physical risk of the crash) And I wonder, do I want to make that fall ... I remember the thrill of the fall and it ... it is hard. And I am scared.