Traveling Story

Pearls and Dreams

In checking out the blogs I visit every day, I checked out one of my favorite, Dr. Charles. This evening, he posted what he called a 'Traveling Story' He'd started a story, then sent it through email to several other medical bloggers, and they came up with quite an interesting tale.
A frighteningly realistic feel & look into mental illness and relationships gone bad. (none of the characters are real they assure us, but they seem real enough while reading!)

Take a few minutes, enjoy the story and be grateful.

5Q4 Questions for Deneice

Pearls and Dreams
My second taker on the interview is Deneice at the Journey, her answers will be found here when she gets the questions and gets them answered. Deneice, the one at the bottom was sarcastic, and doesn't really need to be answered! ;)
1. In the 5 years that we have been friends, I have seen you in prayer ministry, youth ministry & now children's ministry. I know where your heart is, but for the sake of this interview, pretend I don't. If you could set up a ministry from the ground up, and God guarenteed you of earthly success (funding, support, place) what would it be? And what would you do to ensure it was a spiritual success as well as an earlthy success?

2. When you see God face to face, and he says "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" (and I assure you, my friend, he will!) What is going to be your response? What would you like your response to be?

3. What is YOUR dream for the kids in your ministry that you're touching today? What about future kids?


4. You're getting ready to go to a conference, what do you expect to take away from that conference that will help you in your ministry? In your personal life?


5. What is the best vacation you have ever taken, and why?

6. bonus question ... why can't your friend Pk follow directions and just ask one question per number? ;)

5Q4 Questions for Dangerous Mind

Pearls and Dreams

Ok, here ya go .... Dangerous Mind is my first taker on my turn to interview, so here are his interview questions. Look for his answers here.

1 You make no attempt to hide your diagnosis of bi polar, how has that helped you and hurt you in today's society that his just starting to acknowlege that these things should not be swept under the carpet?

2. A while back, you stayed home from work and played games with your kids. You seemed taken by surprise by how much that was enjoyable to you. What is your favorite part of being a parent, husband, family man? What would you change if you could? What quality do you have that they pass down to their own families?

3. You obviously use humor to deal with very difficult issues in your life. Do you ever use humor to bury issues to keep you from having to deal with those issues?(denial)

4. Why did you choose the career you do? What career would you have chosen if you knew then what you know now? What things are your favorite about your career, what things would you enjoy about the career not taken?

5. What one thing do you hope to be able to say on your death bed that you were able to do in this life? (how 'bout that, just one question for that question!)

5Q4 Interviews

Pearls and Dreams

Well, Wilsonian, over at Biscotti Brain clued me into a blog interview going around and sent me over to Garth at http://emergingblurb.blogspot.com/

The idea, is someone asks you 5 questions on their own blog, but you answer them on yours. Then, the first 5 people who leave comments, get 'interviewed' by the blogger. Garth has given me the following questions, and I get to participate again in a day or two when Wilsonian asks me a set of 5, with a twist of an added question!!

So, here's the questions Garth asked me and my answers! Any takers on me interviewing you?

5Q4 Dreaming Again
Your profile says you are a freelance writer in religion. Where do your writings appear and what sorts of things do you write about?
I have had a couple of articles in Focus on the Family's newsletter "Focus on Your Child's Early Stages" I have had one in the local magazine Tulsa Kids, and one in our local Community Spirit (a Christian Magazine), both are local, but nationally award winning magazines. I have also had 2 articles, accepted, but yet to be published in The Gem, a Church of God, Cleavland Tennessee, publication. And then several other smaller publications, that no one outside of Tulsa area would probably ever see. I have another one for Focus on the Family, but one Editor said to send it to another one, and my computer crashed, and I haven't re entered it and sent it ... need to do that, it's a good 'start of school' article ... need to get it so they'll use it this August!
The Focus on the Family articles were on my youngest son's learning disabilities and how God used those to strengthen MY relationship with HIM(God). The Tulsa Kids was a longer version of one of the Focus on the Family article (1600 words in TK, 400 in FoF), Community Spirit was on my spiritual growth through my eating disorder recovery process. The other's have been about God healing my broken heart.
I have also written a devotional book using poetry & essays, I don't have it published yet.

2. Can you do the how we see truth test (which is in green font) and tell us which characters you would choose as most honest/moral and why?
Wow, expected a different type of test there!
Honestly, hmmm ... ok ... how do I answer this, given the options, I'd have to pick Little John, Marion, Robin, Sheriff. However ...they were ALL wrong, they all did things that were out of bounds and they all did things that would cross the lines of God's plan for ultimate best for us. Would God forgive them? YES, absolutely!!!!! Would it block them from heaven? Nope, not if they repented, but motivation for sin isn''t what God measures what is or is not sin. Obedience is.
I picked Little John first because he seemed to be along for the ride and did less of his own individual sin, however, sinning to go along with the crowd is no less sin.
Marion next, because ...well, while what she did was WRONG, She didn't compound her robbery of others with sexual sin, she just had the one sin. Her heart was in the right place even if her body wasn't.
Robin Hood next, The guy really has issues in this ya know? First he thinks it's ok to break God's law about stealing and taking from others and expects to NOT get punished, and then when someone he loves does soemthing (although definitely WRONG) instead of taking her in his arms and forgiving her and saying "We need to go to God and repent together" he blasts her ...when had he not been robbing from the rich to begin with, she'd never have been put in the situation of being made to make that choice to begin with!
Sherrif ... Had he not been a crooked sherrif, Robin & Little John wouldn't have had to steal, so they never would have NEEDED to be arrested, he never should have put Maid Marion in that position ... and he's just plain the root of the problem and his heart isn't right regardless. While the other three all had motivations that led them to do the wrong things for the right reasons, he did the wrong things for the wrong reasons and he just has no excuse whatsoever. Period.


3.Your site is called Pearls and Dreams...what important thing do you want to achieve with your life, what is your 'Dream' ?
I want to be able to share with others that they don't have to live with a broken, wounded heart. That regardless of how they see themselves, that God loves them, created them for a purpose and that He planned for them to be just like they are. I want people, especially women, young women and girls to see that they are created in God's image and they are special to God, if they have chosen Christ, they are not in God's kingdom by default, but by God's design ... he wants EVERYONE, every human to choose, and he didn't just let me, or them or anyone in because when he created the earth, he didn't plan on that one person being created, but because of his soveriegnty has to allow them into His Kingdom.
I want to share the joy of developing a relationship with God even through struggles and strains of life, and how even when God seems far away, that when you get two steps away from the pain, you can see that he really has been the closest ever.
My dream is to see little girls and teens grow into adults with a passion for God without the heartbreak of an eating disorder or poor self esteem because they understand that God thinks about them more often than they can imagine. My dream is to see women who've made it to adulthood with wounded hearts, see those hearts healed ...
4.What got you started blogging? My friend Deneice (now spelled correctly!!!!!) at The Journey. She kept suggesting that I'd like doing it. As much as I've always liked writing, I've never been a good diary keeper or journal keeper, so I wasn't at all sure I could do it. When my computer crashed last year, and I got a new (used) one last October and got back on line, I decided to give it a go, and I'm hopelessly hooked.


5.What do you see as real indicators of the spiritual health of a church community

My church has a purpose statement : To give Support to people to become fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ.
The emphasis in on the giving support, and that I think is the real indicator ... are people getting supported ... in Bible study, growth, spiritual matters.
Are they having physical needs met? Do they have poor people in the church as well as wealthy? Do the poor in the church feel as much a part of the church as the wealthy do?
I think the MOST important measure is ... where are the people today compared to a year ago? Not financially, not where they live ..but spiritually? Have they grown? Doesn't matter where they start individually or where they are today individually, but have they EACH made some kind of progression in the past year? Have they made progress? Do they know more than they knew on this date last year? Is there a temptation that they can now withstand that a year ago they'd never have been able to withstand? Is there knowlege that they have now that they can act on, that a year ago, they didn't understand how to act on? Do they have more wisdom than they had a year ago? Are they praying more than they did a year ago? Are they spending more time in the prescence of God than a year ago.
Some of those people will have taken just a few steps in that year, some will have taken leaps and bounds ... most will be in the middle. Some will have started at the beginning and some will already be toward the end, but in a health growing church, no one should be static, everyone should be progressing forward.





this was interesting, harder than I thought. Thank you for the opportunity!

Reminders of Aging & Health

Pearls and Dreams


Ok, I have no hope of this actually making it into the blogsphere, but, blogging is supposed to be as much about journalling right?

Ok, so here goes nothing ... quite literally (grin)

Last summer, I went in for my very first old lady test ...er... mamogram. It was not normal, but it was not cancerous, however, they were slightly concerned, so they told me to come back in 6 months to repeat it ...after doing several different views and making me 'visit' with the onsight oncologist.
(still don't get that, if it's not cancerous, then WHY do I have to visit with the oncologist????)

Ok, so, January comes and goes, and I'm reeling from the skin cancer and the metabolic disorder diagnosis & the fall and I forget to make the 6 month follow up appointment (that's my story & I'm sticking to it!). I get a postcard in February saying "Hello Mrs. Eagler, because of your abnormal mamogram and your other numerous health concerns, we need you to please come in and follow up with your mamogram. Cases like yours, can change before symptoms appear, it is very important you follow through with recommended follow up mamograms & health screenings to catch any concerns as early as possible!" Growl.
I put the postcard in my purse.
Don goes into the hospital and I forget about it. (Ok, so I see the blasted postcard every day I get into my purse, but geesh ... I'm TRYING to forget about it!)

So finally, Orac posts a 4th in a series on denial http://oracknows.blogspot.com/2005/03/deadly-power-of-denial-part-4-denial.html
this time, his own, as a doctor, but it gives me enough of a kick in the pants to make that call and schedule the appointment. Besides, I'm going to be seeing my primary care, my neuro and my rheumatologist in April and if any of the three figure out I've stalled on this, I'll get one of the "you have to take care of yourself" lectures.

So today was the fateful day. I go in. I'm literally SHAKING in my shoes. Part of me is thinking this is stupid, they are not going to find anything, so why bother doing this, the other part of me is looking at the faces of the women in there and wondering why they are there ... are they there for worse reasons than I? Are they there for screenings or for cancer? Are they a survivor or a family member of a survivor?

A woman comes out of the room with another woman, the second woman is obviously close to my age, early 40's (although, I'm JUST 40) but she is obviously mentally still a child. She is crying ... "Mommy, they hurt me! Why did they hurt me?" My heart was broken for this woman and her mother. It made me think of my pastor's daughter with down's syndrome and how are they going to deal with her when she's this age? It also made me wonder about my own child's future ... thanking God that he already has enough mental awareness & understanding to comprehend something like this even if he CAN'T ever make it 'on his own'. The poor mother had tears in her eyes as she said "I know they hurt you honey, but they had to make sure you don't have something that could kill you" and the woman took the woman/girl in her arms and held her like I held my kids after a vaccination when they were younger.

A few minutes later, my name was called, the same technition that did my mamogram last summer was there and she remembered me. ( was it the myasthenia gravis/lupus + many medicines or the name Peggikaye being so unusual?)

She had me change, and took me to the room. I started to shake even harder, I was sure she could see it, I'm sure she did, because her normally kind, gentle nature became even more gentle & kind.

As she started to take the pictures, she kept apologizing, saying it was necessary to get to the chest wall, because the abnormalities were up against the chest wall. She took 2 views of both sides, and started to take one of my right and I fainted. Whoops.

When I came to, I don't know why I fainted, it was warm in the room, but was I locking my knee? I tend to not breath when I'm mad, confused, scared or whatever. When I was a child, when I'd get mad, I'd hold my breath till I passed out and then have a seizure (I also had seizures out of the blue too). I fainted in my Grandmother's wedding ...but that was possibly holding my breath ... possibly eating disorder related. When I was pregnant, I was in college and studying something that was NOT making sense ... and I was in the library ... and I fainted.
I also fainted in the piano lab while practicing. So my guess is, I wasn't breathing. (I HAD eaten just before going, eating disorder doesn't get the blame this time! Hopefully my reason for getting the stress test & echocardiogram on Monday also has nothing to do with it!)

So, they give me a chance to collect myself, make sure I'm ok, and they finish taking the views, and they go to check the films. She comes in and says "I need two more views of the right breast."
Hmmmmm
Ok, so she takes them. Goes to check them. Comes back in and says "It's going to be a few more minutes, I want to show these to the radiologist"
I start to get dizzy again. But I'm sitting, so I figure I'm safe.
(although, I'm getting dizzy as I type this!)

So, she comes in a few minutes later with a glass of water for me and tells me it will be a few more minutes and then in walks Dr. Oncologist ... EXCUSE ME?????????

He first makes sure that I'm ok from my fainting episode and is taking my blood pressure which he thinks is alarmingly low (no kidding, I fainted dude!) at 90/55. I tell him my normal is 110/60 something and he gives me a funny look and goes on. He informs me that they are a bit surprised by the increase in size of the calcification since my last mamogram. While they knew it could change, that's why the request for 6 month follow up, they did not expect this size of a change. He asked me about pain and other symptoms. Then I went through about 20 minute discussion of my lupus.
He's going to be calling my rheumatologist this evening or tomorrrow. He said that my primary care doctor, my rheumatologist & my neurologist will all have the report by the end of the week.

Then he says, at this time, he is still sure it's calcifications, whether it's caused by medications, a not so good genetic makeup, which is evidenced by my other health problems, or to do with the lupus, he can't tell me, however, he wants me back in July. If there is any more changes ... he wants to explore them 'physically'.

I said "needle biopsy?" He said 'probably surgery of some kind, let's cross that bridge when we come to it and make sure it's not the lupus acting up in the meantime.'

I have never heard of lupus effecting breasts ...however, they call it systemic because it can effect all systems ... so??????????

Anyway ... Here we go round the mulberry bush!!!

Orac ... don't know whether to thank you or growl at you!

I WANT MY POSTS TO SHOW UP!!

WHERE ARE MY POSTS?????????????

May Not get to much blogging today?

Pearls and Dreams

I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter and was able to celebrate it with the families & friends they love.

Well, I'm on my way out the door to Physical Therapy, not sure how much I'll get done there, my knee is not taped, and the skin where the knee is normally taped is scabbed, the tape took skin with it again. Sigh, this tape is not supposed to do that. Leave it to Lupie (lupus) skin to act differently. So far I've tried to do PT 3 times without tape and all 3 times have popped it out. I've only got 3 sessions of PT left, and I'm not sure I'm willing to risk re injury at this point. Next week, I start paying $25 a month for the after care program, which means I go in and can work out as often as I want YES!!!!! Full access to their equipment just like a gym ... yahhoo!

Then I go to the doctor's office to get yet another blood test to check my blood work from last week that was abnormal ... WBC's are not behaving themselves for the 3rd month in a row ... this is a problem with immunosuppresants ... and it's got me a bit nervous, immunosuppressants are high risk drugs, but they are a high yield drug too, they've given me my life back!

Then I take my children to the eye doctor where they get to explain to him why both who have pretty hefty eye glass prescriptions look like this :

Do you see glasses on those faces?

Both boys told me last night to remind them this morning to find their glasses so they could take them to school with them so they had them at the eye doctors ... HA!!!!! No waY!!! You remember, fine ... but they didn't HAHHAHAHAHAHA

I'm so mean!!!!

anyway ...don't know when I'll make it back ... hope everyone has a wonderful day!! Happy Blogging!

Another double

Ok, double posting after it not showing up for 2 days? Still some missing blogs! Growl.

Oh well, just for grins, I'll add a new picture

Balancing Out

Pearls and Dreams

Well, I'm pulling myself out of my funk or whatever it was. Why the heck I just can't put that stupid issue to rest, I don't understand, especially with as much damage as it's done to my body. You'd think as much care as I take of myself otherwise, it'd be a no brainer.

ARGH

Anyway ... we went with our small group to our small group leaders grandmother's lakeside cabin for a sleep over. Our small group leader turned 40 yesterday. Last night we had dinner, and visited
and had a special good friday service. Then stayed up 'late' LOL we're night people, they're not ...we were all in bed by 11.

We got up around 6 pm, except for my husband who didn't get up till 9, when I took our small group leaders 16 month old baby boy in to torture him awake.

We had a devotional, and then came home. It was a nice time, and so fun to get away with friends. SOOOOOOOO tiring for me and I quite remember why I don't travel. Although, I do hope we do it again.

Tomorrow is Easter. Our church is having a special service, and I'm not participating first time in the 6 years I've been there. Since I will probably be interpreting, it's probably just as well, cause I'll probably be busy!!!!

Tomorrow, hopefully, my blog posting will be a bit more interesting. For now, I'll close with this Easter poem, at least it will be something.

Tears to Laughter
by Peggikaye Eagler

A long walk down a dusty road.
A burden so heavy, can one man bear the load?
The crowds gathering to jeer and to jest.
Some on the outside, grief fills their chest.


The burden is dropped into the ground.
The man to it nailed, hammering the only sound.
A crown of thorns is placed on His head.
Vinegar sponge to his lips, dying for me instead.


The men will gamble, tearing his robe for the prize.
The devil has blinded, they've believed his lies.
The man will be buried in a rich followers tomb.
Mary stands crying, "This man came from my womb!"


Angels stand guard waiting to announce victory,
The Son of God risen! Completes the promised story.
His sacrifice paid, blood shed on my behalf.
My spirit forgiven, with God forever ... we laugh!




© Peggikaye Eagler

Firday Morning

Pearls and Dreams

I'm off to Physical Therapy in a bit, dragging some because of the brilliant weather changes we've had this week. Plus, I didn't wake up last night, so I didn't take my middle of the night mestinon dose, so, my muscles are a bit weaker than they normally are. Hopefully by 10, they'll have caught up.

I''m still not overly happy with the lack of options to relapse on will in order to continue to develop in my spirituality and as a functioning adult, however, I think I am a bit more on solid ground. I did get up and fix my breakfast this morning, without giving it a second thought, first time in probably 6 weeks.

A friend from church took me out to lunch yesterday, and made me talk about all this. One of my accountability partners. She made me face it, made me talk ...made me SEE it. She was there when I had the panic attack while ordering and wouldn't accept the allergies excuse for the tears in the eyes.

We talked, we came up with some solutions for me, and talked about the reality of how I bury things and pretend all is fine until it blows up in my face ... as it's done this month. Was the primary explosion caused by Don going into the hospital? Or was the primary explosion caused by my change in food plan of eating small meals throughout the day ...forcing me to think about it through out the day ...all day, every day. Then the secondary explosion caused by last weeks visit to the cardiologist and don's finding out that his scoliosis is worsening?

Whatever the case, I've found myself guilty once again of showing everyone just how strong I am, and how much I depend on God, and all my good qualities, and fearful that if I show them any less than my best, that they will see me as a failure as a Christian, and therefore see me as a fraud, and my relationship with God as something less than something worthwhile. That refusal to be genuinely real, geniunely vunerable ...is what got me head over heels deep into the ED to begin with.

I'm thankful that this time, I had the smarts, healing or whatever to reach out to my treatment team, my accountability team & my church leadership to say HELP! I'm still freaking out, but I'm coming back up the other side, and I'm feeling a little more like I'm on the cliff's edge with a decision to make rather than the tightrope.

3 steps forward, 2 steps back

I posted a couple of days ago, about my eating disorder, and kind of implied that it was all in the past, well, those, who know me well, know that while it's behaviors are in the past, the thoughts are still with me on a daily basis. For the last several weeks, especially the last week, I've really really struggled. Relapse, looks attractive ..inviting and ... eminant. The following is an email I sent to my therapist yesterday :When do I become more than a decision away from not relapsing? When does it become not a battle and a thing of the past? I could SO easily throw in the towel at this point in time and if someone could show me the slightest evidence that it wasn't necessary to recover ...I'd relapse tomorrow, today. I know that I have taken so many steps, some baby, some giant and I have come eons from where I was when I walked into the doors of your offices, but ... it is still SO very hard. There are some times that I can go weeks, months and I'm doing great, and then ... it just gets HARD and I can't ...and I'm struggling and it's hard and I just don't know how much strength I have in me to fight this thing! I know that my life is upside down and sideways stress wise right now, Bj's school situation, don's health, my health (hello cardiologist) and just raising teenaged boys ... not to mention everything else .. and that probably has everything to do with why it's hard ... but when do I grow up enough that this isn't an issue? Why is my spirituality not enough ? Why is it so damn hard?Why is it that food has become scary again? I had a stupid PANIC attack in the grocery store wednesday! I don't want to eat! Purging HAS crossed my mind again. I actually stopped and looked at a box of laxatives ... I'm working out really hard in PT and my friend, Cindy, commented today that maybe it's for weight loss purposes ... I'm really pushing it there ... really pushing it (gone too far a couple of times) ... I thought she was absurd, but 2 hours after her comment ...after having eaten lunch and wishing I hadn't ... I'm wondering .. is she right? When does this merry go round stop? I thought I was past all this, I thought I was ... I really did, I thought I'd surrendered all this to God. I HAD surrenedered this to God. I don't WANT THIS SO WHY IS IT SITTING IN MY LAP AGAIN?!!!!!! My eating disorder has been two things to me, a tightrope & a cliff. For most of my life, it's been a tight rope, climb up on it, take a few steps, fall or jump off and enjoy the thrill of the fall, and try to ignore the pain of the crash at the bottom. The cliff, has only been there for the last year and a half, where the solid ground is recovery, Christ's strength, my ability to cope without using the eating disorder to deny things. Solid ground on one side and having to make the decision to step off the cliff. For a year and a half, I've been on the edge of a cliff, solid ground on one side, the option to step off the cliff on the other, if I fall, I could still fall on the solid ground of God's arms ... sometimes I've been on the edge of the cliff, sometimes a few feet away from the cliff, sometimes I've had my back to the cliff and have ignored the fact the cliff is there.Right now, I'm on a tightrope and there is no solid ground anywhere nearI step wrong, I fall off, I loose my balance I fall ... no solid .ground on one side and having to make the decision to step off the cliff. For a year and a half, I've been on the edge of a cliff, solid ground on one side, the option to step off the cliff on the other, if I fall, I could still fall on the solid ground of God's arms ... sometimes I've been on the edge of the cliff, sometimes a few feet away from the cliff, sometimes I've had my back to the cliff and have ignored the fact the cliff is there.Right now, I'm on a tightrope and there is no solid ground anywhere nearI step wrong, I fall off, I loose my balance I fall ... no solid ground. Part of me looks down and remembers the thrill of the fall, the release, the feeling of freedom in the flying, the freedom of the thrill of the fall ... and ignoring the pain of the crash at the bottom (not to mention the physical risk of the crash) And I wonder, do I want to make that fall ... I remember the thrill of the fall and it ... it is hard. And I am scared.

testing photo sizes

Pearls and Dreams

Just wanting to see if they'll stay at the top of my blog when I leave them small, and are they visible if I make them smaller.

Don's scoliosis curve & Newspaper @ 3 weeks old

Don on Christmas morning, Sugarfoot in Don's lap, Don is sitting straight up.

Samuel excited about his Christmas gift, Don sitting in the background. Peggikaye & Benjamin at VBS in 2001

Importance of spelling

Pearls and Dreams

emailed to me

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, syas it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

More Poetry

Pearls and Dreams

Today is Palm Sunday. The week before Christ died, he had dinner at Lazerus' house, and Mary, washed his feet with precious oil. Judas was appalled that she chose to use this oil to wash his feet instead of selling it to feed the poor. Leaving aside Judas' motives for his anger, Mary's washing feet with oil seems such an odd thing in our society, yet, then, it wasn't odd. They walked around everywhere in sandals. Washing feet was a necessity and it was a symbol of servanthood & submission. Using the oil that was fragrant and sweet would have been comforting and no different than todays hand massage or pedicure.

Today, I was sitting in church, not really able to understand too much of the sermon, too busy interpreting for the deaf man who's been coming. My comprehension flies out the window when he comes. After the sermon, every week, people are given the opportunity of coming to the front to pray at the alters, either alone or with someone. I rarely go forward, but today, after this past week, and my husband's bad news at the doctors, I went to the pastor.
Don didn't go to church with me this morning, he said he was too tired. Didn't feel good ... I wasn't sure, was it more of his just not wanting to go, pulling into a shell ... or was it real ...and then, much to my dismay, he got up to go to the bathroom and used his cane. He rarely uses his cane in the house. Almost never. I knew he was exhausted. So, I asked the pastor to pray ... with me for Don, for me, for my heart testing that I didn't think was scaring me ...but is, for everything ... and as he prayed I did something I rarely do ... I cried. I really cried and suddenly, Pastor R's arms were around my shoulders ... and I cried harder.

So tonight, I'm going to bed, with my emotions close to the surface, and I'm praying to God, reminding him that I need to pour out my pain and my fear ... and that I need HIM to wipe it clean and comfort me ..

What more appropriate time than Palm Sunday to need to remember this poem of mine?

At The Feet of Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler

The perfume left the bottle,
The fragrance filled the air.
With tears her worship was given,
As she wiped His feet with her hair.


The perfume so fragrant and sweet,
Costly oil she’d had to buy
She poured it on His feet with love,
Did she know He was soon to die?


As she poured her heart with the oil,
Her worship was in the right place,
Kneeling at His feet so humbly,
Tears slipping down her face.


A picture for us to live by,
To Worship Christ Jesus the King.
Anoint His feet with my worship,
With honor and praise I sing.


I pour out my pain and fear,
And He wipes it with his blood.
A clean heart with which to give Him,
As His presence comes in like a flood.


To Jesus, my gift is Worship.
Honor and trust on my knees.
I thank You Jesus for taking,
My love, my gift, and my pleas.


Each day I will strive to remember,
Mary pouring her heart on His feet.
And praises I will lift with Joy,
Glorious Praises, I will often repeat.


© Peggikaye Eagler

Changing Mirrors

Pearls and Dreams


To my Lupie Friend Melissa. I wrote this about a year or so ago, thought you'd understand ... ;)

Changing Mirrors
by Peggikaye Eagler

I stand and look closely,
Never sure of what I think,
What I think I see now,
Is enough to make my heart sink.

It never seems to reflect,
What others tell me they see.
It only tells me what is wrong,
From the pain, I'd like to flee.

Reading God's word tells me,
I'm a creation of God's plan,
His plan for me to shine light,
While protected by His hand.

Learning to trust God's word.
He said I am His Image,
He says he's called my name,
He's leading my pilgrimage.

The truth is not always easy,
I have to learn to trust,
God's word says I am precious,
I have learned faith is a must.

So looking in the mirror,
Is not what I base my claim,
But the Word of God most Holy,
His relection, my claim to fame.


© Peggikaye Eagler

For Fun

Pearls and Dreams

I borrowed this from LUANNE because I really liked it. It seemed like a fun thing to answer. I would like to read your answers. If you want to, answer in your journal and leave me the link in the comments sections below. Or just send me an email. Thanks! God bless You!

Act your age – 40

Breast size – 40 B ...much better than the 36 ii that it was until 9 am March 18, 2002. I'd glady take the 36 back though (grin) Getting there ... NICE and SLOW this time.

Chore you hate – LAUNDRY

Dad's name – Bill

Essential make up item – Sun screen (frown says the former sun worshipper)

Favorite singer – Michael W. Smith

Gold or silver - Gold

Instruments you play – Used to play clarinet ...badly

Job title – Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Sister, Friend , Patient,Church Volunteer, Poet, Writer,

Kisses, what kind do you prefer? CHOCOLATE

Living Arrangements –Mobile home, with husband, two sons, 3 cats, Sugarfoot, Donut & Twitch. Newspaper & Bear went to their new home today :( My mom's house.

Favorite meats? Grilled Salmon

Number of people you've slept with- 2 ...husband & ex husband

Overnight hospital stays – 22 hospital stays ... with at least 4 of them 10 days or more, Last one June 2003. Hopefully, I can postpone this knee surgery until June, just to make it a full 2 years! (wonder if the orthopod will buy that as an excuse?) Wait, 22 stays between 1989 & now, plus my tonsils out when I was 7, and my ovarian cyst when I was 15 ... so I guess that's 24 stays.

Packing habits (for moving/vacation) – JUST THROW STUFF IN A BOX/SUITCASE AND GO.


Quote you like - The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. OR To give support to people to become fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ.


Religious affiliation – Christian

Siblings – 1 sister, 1 brother, 1 step brother, 2 step sisters, 1 step sister & 1 step brother have passed away.

Time you wake up – Depends on what kind of night I've had and what I have to do the next day, but usually about 6:30ish

Underwear of choice nunya business!

Vegetable you refuse to eat– BROCCOLI!!!!

Worst habit -coffee or hiding from people

X-rays you have had – don't know a part I haven't had xrayed ... hypermobile joints mean I've sprained about everything that moves!

Yummy food you make – Enchilada casserole or orange chicken.

Zodiac Sign – I was born under scorpio but don't hold to any of that stuff.

Pearls and Dreams .. a long post ...hopefully, worth the read.

Pearls and Dreams

Importance of a Name
by Peggikaye Eagler

What's in a name?
Does the meaning ring true?
Is your name a foundation?
Like a sauce needs a rue?
Is a name that Important?
Does it say who we are?
A name with great meaning,
Does it mean we'll go far?


"Why do you hate your name?"
My mother cries often!
"It means Precious Pearl!
Some say Pure Gem!"
But is my name me?
Does it really fit?
I don't feel precious,
More like Oyster Spit!


But God gave men names,
With meanings so deep,
A character to live up to,
And blessings to reap!
What mirror do I use?
The one on the wall?
What name will I hear?
When my Savior gives the call?


What's in my name?
Is my name from God's heart?
Lord, Let me see all,
The whole,
Not the part!

© Peggikaye Eagler

I was 35 years old and I hated myself. I hated everything about myself. The only thing I liked, was my long brown hair. I didn't like my looks, my weight, my personality, my name, my abilities ... nothing. I did not like who or what I was. I couldn't stand the reflection in the mirror. I constantly tried to change what I saw, I punished myself on a frequent basis. I obsessed over food, calories, weight & anything related to how I looked.

I weighed myself up to 20 times a day, and that weight dictated if I was good or bad. I limited my calories to an absurdly low amount, and if I went over that amount, I would punish myself by not allowing myself to read before I went to sleep. The problem there was : I don't fall asleep if I don't read first, so I was punishing myself both pleasure wise & physically.

I have had 3 severe myasthenic crisis brought on by severe & sudden weightlosses. The most severe was in 1997 when I lost 100 lbs in 4 months. Averaging 250 calories a day, I went into crisis and spent 3 days in ICU with a respirator and paralyzed from the forehead down. (muscles, not a nerve paralysis). When the doctor's got my muscles working again, and were pumping me full of potassium (I had a continous IV with potassium, plus they'd come in and give me some potassium through another IV, but in a much smaller IV bag, I'd have to drink potassium 4 times a day ...plus a banana on every tray that the nurses watched me eat. ) I was moved back to the regular room but it took 17 days to be discharged. Had my doctor's baffled. Plasmapherisis (blood transfusion) had worked before, not this time, 5 day treatment of IVIG, and I still wasn't bouncing back. They were stymied.
They kept sending a nutritionist in the room to see what they could do to make the food easier for me to eat ... my MG was blamed ... I told them I couldn't chew & I'd choke ... while, I do choke easy & chewing was difficult ... It'd have cleared up had I started to eat ... no one ever put 100 lbs loss in 4 months with why I was in crisis. I was good at hiding my disorder. 17 days later, I got out, very weak, very sick, and still refusing to eat. This time, on high high doses of prednisone and I knew I was done for. 100 mgs of prednisone and my starving myself would come to a quick end.

So, a few years later, I'm sitting in my doctor's office and he's looking at my chart, 4 months ago, I'd weighed 80 lbs more, he'd just started treating, me when I'd been in crisis in 1997. This was the second time in 3 years he'd seen me loose too much weight in too short of time. He gently told me I had two choices ... get help, or find another doctor because he cared too much to watch me destroy myself.

I went into Laureate Eating Disorder Clinic for an evaluation 2 days later, sure they'd send my fat little self on my way. Surprise surprise, they quickly admitted me to their outpaitent program, I was lucky, they didn't stick me into their inpatient program!

I started to realize something ... I don't see myself the way other see me. They see something I don't. I asked God to show me what HE saw when he looked at me. Scariest prayer I've ever prayed.
I was sure he was going to show me that I was just as bad as I thought I was ... and worse.

A year went by ... nothing.

The next year, something odd started to happen. Every where I turned ... every thing I saw, were lessons on pearls & gemstones. A lesson on the radio, a women's tea, a Prayer vigil at church ... all focused on how God talks about gemstones in the Bible and compares us to gemstones and pearls as being precious. The prayer vigil, the pastor's wife/worship leader at my church talked about how pearls are made ...how a speck of dirt goes into the oyster and irritates the oyster until the beautiful gem is polished and formed and how sometimes, what we see as irritating, horrible experiences, are really polishing us, forming us, making us into who we really are. I was floored.

A few weeks later, was mother's day ... my mobile home park was having a park wide garage sale the day before and my sons had gone around and bought junk, but they'd bought me a string of pearls. I went to church and was showing a friend ...she exclaimed "Peggi, those are REAL!!!" She had ones by the same jewelry designer.

It was becoming clear to me that God was going to great extremes to make a point to me ... Pearls ... precious pearls ...
My name Peggikaye ... Peggi means Pearls, Kaye means precious. I have hated my name since I could say my name ... I couldn't stand it! I would rather have been named anything BUT Peggi! However, God used my name, to start to break down that wall of self hatred to show me that he did in fact see me as precious ... a precious pearl formed for his service and with his delight.

As I started to recover from the eating disorder and the self hatred, and I started to pick up my pen and write again ... and I started to realize that there is more to life than a number on a scale ... I started to realize that while I might have thrown away a few dreams, and I might have been robbed of a few dreams by such terrible things as lupus and myasthenia gravis ... those dreams can be replaced by new dreams and I started to begin to dream again.

I went from simply surving to living and from living to hoping and from hoping to dreaming.

And thus, the name of my blog ... Pearls and Dreams ... because God loves me ... and I have dreams ...

Good Gravy Beans!

Ok, today, I had to fill out a form for social security, they wanted to know if I am still disabled. I had to fill out all my doctors appointments & medications for the last 6 months. I'm not going to list them all by appointment here, but I thought I'd list all my types of doctor's and dx's & rx's

Ok, ready?

Primary care
Neurologist
Rheumatolgist
Orthopedist
Dermatolgoist
Cardiologist
Pulmonologist
Endocrinologist
Psychologist
Urologist
Gynocologist
Oncologist (why? I don't know)
Opthamologist (this one added saturday morning, haven't seen him in 2 years, oops, how often am I supposed to see him you ask? Every year when I'm not on immunosuppressants & or prednisone, every 6 months I am, as you can see from my med list, I'm on both... oops. I have calls to make on Monday!)

My diagnosis' are :

Myasthenia Gravis (neuromuscular autoimmune disease effecting all voluntary muscles)
Lupus, (systemic inflammatory disease, effecting my joints, neurological system & pleurisy, mouth sores, possible pericarditis, though, I doubt it)
Hypermobile Joint Syndrome, (genetic disorder where my joints can go way beyond what they should be able to, I can rest my thumb flat on my forearm)
Insulin Resistance, (not sure how to explain this one, too new of a diagnosis, google it)
PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, (related to Insulin resistance, causes multiple cysts on my ovaries)
Asthma.
Allergies,
GERD, (gastro esophogeal reflux disease? disorder? severe because of the years of bulimia, scars up and down my esophgus & multiple ulcer scars in my stomach)
Pyloric Spasm, (the pylorus, or valve at the bottom of my stomach doesn't work right, it spasms, this is probably from damage to my eating disorder, too many years of bulimia & laxatives, although, my son has it, so they are not sure, however, I never had symptoms of it till I 32, he was born with them)
Eating Disorder-NOS, (25 years, Started at 14 with anorexia, started with bulimia at 17, Insulin resistance entered the picture around 24 (just diagnosed this year) and started with severe weight problems which led to massive weight gains and losses, between 1989 & 2000, if you add my gains and losses together, I had 1284 pounds of weight changes, when I entered treatment for the first time at age 36)
hyperlipidemia (high cholesterol)
abnormal mamogram ..not cancerous ..but can't remember the diagnosis.
note: remembered part of it ... something Calcification ... that's why they sent me to the oncologist, which I still don't understand, just because the mamogram was abnormal, but it wasn't cancer? I don't get it, still don't get it. Don't think I'll ever get it! Oh well. I keep forgetting to schedule my follow up mamogram, they said in July to do it in January, but I forgot, got a post card a few weeks ago saying I hadn't done it yet, please do it and I keep forgetting. I remember about this time at nite (9:30 pm) to schedule it ... no good. Somehow, I have to remember to schedule it Monday. But, again, if it's not cancer, why the need for a follow up mamogram at less than a year?

Rx:

Mestinon 600mgs a day (symptom controlling for Myasthenia)
Cellcept 3000 mgs a day (immunosuppressant)
Prednisone 5 mgs a day (immunosuppressant/anti inflammatory)
Celebrex 600 mgs a day OR Bextra 20 mgs a day (anti inflammatory)
Ultracet (non narcotic pain killer)
Zyrtec D ...5 mg (anti histimine)
Prevacid 30 mg (anti ulcer drug ...forgot the technical term)
Topomax ..50 mg (anti seizure drug being used to prevent migraines, controlling lupus headaches, not preventing migraines, but we'll be increasing the dose up to 100 mgs a day as soon as my Fortamet drug is settled into my system)
Ambien... 10 mg (sleep, blessed sleep drug)
Advair ...250/50 (asthma inhaler)
Atrovent (inhaler to prevent fluid build up on lungs as a side effect of Mestinon)
Prozac 60 mg (anti depressant)
Vytorin 10/20 mg (anti cholesterol for my 310 total cholesterol)
Fortamet 1000 mg (supposed to be on 2000 mg, not tolerating it well at all, time released glucophage for the insuline resistance)
Darvocet N 100 PRN (narcotic pain reliever ...milder than lortab)
Frova PRN (migraine med)


Then add to that ... physical therapist, eating disorder therapist & nutritionist.
I wonder what social security will say? I've seen all of these people at least once in the last 6 months, most of them more than once (gyno, oncologist are the only ones I've seen only once)

So far this year, all my therapy appts (ED & PT) and doctor appointments, have been a total of 36 appointments. That's for me! Add the appointments I've gone to with my kids & mom & husband it's 52 appointments for 2005. I didn't include the blood test only appointments or Don's hospitalization (5 days)

Good grief! No wonder I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday!!!

I'm spending as much time at doctor's offices as doctor's are!!!!!! (just kidding any docs reading this! )

Tomorrow, I am going to write about nothing health related. Not sure what, but it's going to be faith related, I have several things brewing in this brain of mine.

Edited this Saturday morning because I got a few emails asking what was what on some of the diagnosis' and medications.

Frustration of being chronically ill

Pearls and Dreams

Pk is frustrated. While, I should be content with all I can do in physical
therapy (thank you very much Cellcept!! I can do TONS more now than when I was
in physical therapy years ago and on Imuran & IVIG) I get frustrated when
it's a 3 steps forward 2 steps back scenerio. First, PT didn't do what I wanted
it to do. It did what my surgeon's intentions were ... to increase the
strenth of certain muscles to better recover from surgery. MY GOAL was to get
myself out of surgery (hey! He said I had a 2% chance of recovering enough to not
need the surgery!) so, that was frustration #1.
Frustration #2 is ... I'm one of those freaky people who really really likes
working out. I have missed it terribly since becoming sick. Thanks to
Cellcept, with this round of PT I have been actually WORKING OUT ...however, it is,
a 3 steps forward 2 steps back type deal. Yesterday, I did GREAT! I
aggrivated my PT to no end. I lost count (doing 3 sets of 20 instead of 3 sets of 10
etc), I did more weight on 3 machines than I was supposed to, I really
...worked out. It felt good. I was keyed up and thouroughly enjoying myself (except
for the balance exercises ... I hate those, those are PT not working out!) .
I had to go back in today for a last PT before seeing the ortho tomorrow. I
walked in there, tired, yes, but still, for some stupid reason, thinking that
I'd be able to pick up where I left off ... nope, I took twice as long to
do exactly only what I was supposed to do ... no extra weights, no extra
repatitions, and I was unable to complete my last exercise.
What upsets me, is that 3 years ago, I couldn't have done ANY OF
THIS!!!!! So what am I pouting about? I'd go into PT for my knee and have to have
passive exercise, the PT would have to do all the work, while I laid there
watching people work out and wishing I was one of them. What is wrong with me
that I can't be grateful for the days like yesterday, that bring me back to 20
years ago. After all, I WAS still up and exercising, I might not have been doing all I want to do, but I was still doing significantly more than I once could do.

So, Pk is pouting.
Don was told Tuesday that his scoliosis has worsened. Significantly. The
chest xray shows a whole inch movement in a year and a half. plus more
twisting. We've already been told that progression means eventual rupture of
internal organs & or suffocation. Instead of him reaching out for help, or calling the pastor, or talking about it ..he's reacting in anger ...he's not said a civil word to anyone since seeing the doctor and he's sleeping an in ordinate
amount of time, even for him. I probably should be more understanding and
compassionate with him ...however, he's worn that part out of me. He was told
to take PT to slow the progression of the scoliosis, he was told to do things
he hasn't done. He was told to get into counseling to deal with what all this
means and hasn't done it. He's throwing a tempertantrum because life sucks.
Yea, well, life does suck. I pray, I pout, I blog, I dig a hole and I go to my
internet buddy's and whine about it, I vent, I talk about it, I talk to my
therapist, I tell somebody, I do things besides take it out on those around me. I
understand the psychological reasons behind his behavior ... it just doesn't
make it any easier to be on the recieving end of it.

So, in my own frustration, I'm probably not being the best wife I can be. I have emailed my pastor and said "HELP! I'm not being very nice. " (I haven't said anything mean, I just haven't said anything)

Oh well, no PT tomorrow, maybe early to bed tonight and some rest, extra Mestinon (MG symptom medication) and maybe I'll feel more rested and better tomorrow. I see the ortho tomorrow and get to argue with him about my surgery date. He thinks it's going to be soon, I'm going to be telling him it's not going to be till school is out. He's um, not gonna like it. He wasn't happy about me saying I didn't want it in January, now I want to wait till June. Hey, thanks to Cellcept, I do have a life!

Passing the Book Stick

1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?Well, I hadn't heard of this ... but I loved the idea when I read it on another blog, then Biscotti Brain passed the stick onto me, I can't pass up a challenge ...so here goes. What book do I want to be? "Oh The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss 2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Sadly yes, I had a crush on Laurie from Little Women. 3. The last book you bought was...?"Edge of Eternity by Randy Alcorn Allender4. The last book you read was...?"Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, third time through it. This time with a group. 5. What are you currently reading?" "No Wonder They Call Him Savior" by Max Lucado 6. Five books you would take to a desert island? The New Century Version Bible. The Strong's Concordance. Edge of Eternity by Randy Alcorn The Great House of God & Gentle Thunder by Max Lucado 7. What three people are you passing this stick on to and why?Deneice @ The Journey, Cliff @ Between the Lines and Blondzilla.

Today's Physical therapy Session

Pearls and Dreams

Well, I had to get a record of what my Pt involved today for the heart monitor people ... here's what I did today :
Walking ... 6 minutes ... 7 laps
Bike ... 6 minutes (it has a target thing, with 4 bars of light, I consistantly kept it between 7 & 8 bars of light)
Total Gym(the Chuck Norris machine) 6 minutes (highest angle)
Step Ups ...20 x
Squats on wobble board ...20 front ..no hanging on ... both hands were on hips!
20 side ... 1 finger held on
Balance computer ... 20 seconds ... 3 reps eyes open, 3 eyes closed.
Leg Press ... 2 legs 70# ... 3 sets of 20
1 leg 35 # ... 3 sets of 20 (I was supposed to do 3 sets of 10 but PT wasn't watching me and I did 3 sets of 20 instead (grin)
TKE .... 70# ... 50 reps
Vectors (pure evil !!!) .. 30 seconds each position, 1 set
Wall squats ... 1 set of 20 (tried to do 2, PT caught me)
Hamstring Curls ... on stomach, face down ...
2 legs ..... 30# ..2 sets of 20
1 leg ... 15 # 1 set of 20, 1 set of 15 (then the weight slammed my leg down without my permission!I guess my leg was done at 15#) 10# 1 set of 5 to get the full 20 repititions (PT asked me if I had OCD at that point!)
Leg Extentions ... 2 legs ...40# 2 sets of 20 ( supposed to be 2 sets of 15)
1 leg ... 15# 2 sets of 15 (I wanted to do 20# he wouldn't let me and he stood there and counted my last sets)

Well, the pain has not lessened AT ALL. It still hurts like the dickens, so I guess I'm not saved from surgery. I know, the surgeon said I only had a 2% chance of PT keeping me from needing surgery, but hey, it's me ... I was hopin! Anyway, the point of PT was to strengthen my leg muscles so that I could better recover from surgery. That, I think we're doing. I'm having a ball. I really enjoy working out. I've missed it since I've gotten sick. I have to figure out how to keep doing this ... hmmmmm

How it went at the cardiologist

Pearls and Dreams

Ok, I got there and was taken back, and they did the usual EKG, lab work & blood pressure stuff I'd expect at a cardiology appt. Then a nurse took a history from me. Then the cardiologist came in and talked to me for quite a while. Asked me a lot of questions. He then gave me a very thourough exam (complete with neuro exam, I hate those!). He told me that my self diagnosis is possibly right. Left lung pleurisy.
Immediately he started to say but, I guess I must have gotten an expression on my face that showed I was about to say " I KNEW IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME TO BE HERE!!!"
He said, that anytime a lupus patient has left lung pleurisy (even if right lung is involved) he likes to see the patient and get a full cardio work up. Stress test, echocardiogram, 24 hour heart monitor during a pleuretic event. Just to insure that the pleurisy IS just pleurisy not pericarditis & pleurisy.
He's pretty sure, that it is JUST pleurisy, but not sure enough to just let me walk out the door and call the rheumy.
So, I'm scheduled in the first week of April for stress test and echocardiogram & I'm wearing the 24 hour heart monitor.
He said given the lupus flare going on, it's more than likely lupus not heart disease. Even given my high cholesterol & weight, he just doesn't think that someone with my blood pressure and other lab work would have actual heart disease. Also, the EKG, while not perfect (? I didn't quite realize the meaning of that until after I left) was still well within acceptable limits, and within what they'd expect to see in a lupus flare.
IF the pain is my heart, it is most likely from pericarditis from the lupus, still treatable, not comfortable, and must be monitored.
He really wishes that all rheumy's would send lupus patients with pleurisy to a cardiologist for a baseline anyway, so even if nothing shows up, he's glad I was there. So, I guess it wasn't a total waste of time anyway.
He asked me what the rheumy was doing for the butterfly rash. I said what rash? He said, that rash on your face IS the lupus rash. I said "no, it's funky skin" He said "no, it's the wolf rash" I said "nah" he said "it's the butterfly lupus rash"
I went to meet my husband at our primary care doctor's office & told her what he'd said and asked her what she thought and she said ... 'yea, most definitely, you have the butterfly rash, it's there. I'm sorry'
So much for funky skin. I guess I need to stop ignoring that funky skin and call the rheumy now. It doesn't LOOK too funky, it just FEELS funky!
She's sending Don to an ENT to find out what's up with his sinus's. He has a growth in one of his sinus', a tumor of sorts, I guess we'll find out now what it really is and if something should be done. It wasn't big enough before to worry about, now it's interferring with breathing.
She told Don his scoliosis is definitely worsening, and is very concerned. There is no doubt that it is worsening, it's definitive. So now what? Everything to stop it has been ruled out.

And we are on business day 10 that I have failed to remember to schedule my follow mamogram from my abnormal mamogram last summer. Can we say OUCH! I don't want to do that again?
I was supposed to schedule it for January, I forgot, I got a post card two weeks ago yesterday that said I had failed to do so and needed to do it. I keep forgetting to do it ...
I need to get that done.
UGH

My Least Favorite Poem

Pearls and Dreams

A little over a year and a half after the death of my step father, who died in February 5, 1979, I wrote a poem. It has remained, my mother's favorite. I've written a few hundred poems, yet this one ... remains mom's favorite. My step father, called rainy days 'hot chocolate days' and so, this poem ... reminds her of him and helps her to feel close to him when she reads it. I have to admit, it DOES bring me closer to Daddy everytime I read it. It does make me remember the warmth of his hugs, and the genuine love in his smile. So, while I consider it to be the worst in quality of all the poems I have written, I will never loose it, nor will I ever be ashamed of it.

A Rainy Day
by Peggikaye

A rainy day,
so cold, so wet.
A hot chocolate day,
to warm me up,
A staying inside day,
Just to dream,
and wonder,
and love.

A rainy day,
so cold, so wet.
A different day,
From all the rest.
Made just for me,
to dream,
and wonder,
and love.


© Peggikaye Eagler


Today, I learned that I have something new with this poem to bring a smile to my face.
My sons 6th grade special education class is doing a section on poetry. He very happily told me that he was studying poetry and he told his teacher that his mother was a published poet. The students said it wasn't fair, the teacher said, that he should share.
So, I emailed her some of my poems. Bj, for the first time in his life, willingly stood up in front of the class and proudly read ... he read his mother's poem. Her least favorite poem. The one she points to as being the poorest quality ... and yet, it was easy enough for him to break a life long fear of reading in front of his class.
The teacher emailed me and said that, not only was he willing to, but when he did it, he was beaming from ear to ear. He was very proud to read it.
She told me that teaching poetry to the class had been hard. The kids had fought and argued and pouted. But today, because a fellow student's mother had been published, and because he shared some of her poetry with the class ...and it was a tangible poem to them. They could relate, it wasn't some dead guy from long ago ... it was someone from here and now. Suddenly, poetry became fun, and living and exciting. Every child wrote two poems today, until today, she'd not gotten them to write a single one! In two weeks of the poetry section.
It's amazing, the things that we find foolish or poor quality that God can take and turn to inspire children. I'm sitting here in tears, in awe that a poem so light, so frivolous and so ... unimportant, has changed my sons educational history. I'm honored to play a part in a victory for him and humbled at the fact that I felt that something God had obvious plans for was worthless. Who am I to judge and say something is worthless, regardless of how trite it might seem??

Grand Rounds

Pearls and Dreams

I want to once again send all of you to the wonderful blogging world of Grand Rounds. Check it out and learn something. Very facinating stuff! I've had the privilege of being a 'civilian blogger' and posting to it twice now, this is my second time to participate. Check out the rest of the medical/science related bloggings. Orac presents them in a very unique and entertaining way.

http://oracknows.blogspot.com/2005/03/grand-rounds-xxv-what-to-watch-this.html

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I knew it!

Pearls and Dreams

I knew it! I shouldn't have sent that email. It seems my primary care doctor is not as positive as I am that the chest pain, shortness of breath & palpatations are lupus related. She's sending me to a cardiologist ... TOMORROW morning.

I do not like it when I get into a specialist 24 hours after the doctor finds out about a problem.

I'm only 40, I have lupus ... ARGH! I'm going to go in there tomorrow, he's going to examine me, do an EKG, tell me everything looks normal with my heart, listen to my lungs and say, "Well, you have pleurisy on the left side"
And then I'm going to really regret sending that email.

Ugh. I'm so tired of doctors. No offense to the doctor's who blog, you're not the ones I'm tired of.

Ponderings

I am meeting tomorrow with our children's pastor and another woman from the church to plan the mother daughter sleep over. I am very excited. I have tons of ideas and have been planning this in my brain since November. No, I don't have daughters. This is my one night a year to spend with girls only! I love it. I crash the party every year. Every year, I walk out having throuroughly enjoyed myself and THOUROUGHLY grateful that God saw fit to give me boys not girls!!!! This year, I'm second in charge. (Children's pastor is always IN charge). I think it will be good. It's always been one of the mom's of the girls who's been in charge before. This time, the other woman and I both have boys that will be with their dad's at the father son camp out. Neither of us will have kids to keep track of or demanding our attention. Our children's pastor is pregnant and due in July ... and this will be the last big blow out before her maternity leave. So, J and I can just take charge, let our children's pastor enjoy being with 'her kids' and let the mom's be mom. We can run things without having to keep track of our own kids. It should work out wonderful. But, it's got me thinking ... about desires, dreams and wishes. When I was a kid and young adult ... and pregnant ... I wanted girls. I didn't want boys for anything. I never wanted a son. I wanted daughters! I was so sure I wanted girls. I wanted to brush their hair and put in pretty ribbons. I wanted to dress them in pretty dresses and play tea party ... I was looking forward to Barbie dolls and batons, cheerleading and gymnastics ... and then ... I got boys. What's the deal God ... I wanted girls?!! Where's the ribbons and barbies? I get overalls and trucks? Like most moms, I was immediately taken by the charm and cherubic cheeks of my darling sons. I was lost in the eyes and the smiles ... very soon, too soon, just 2 weeks into my oldest sons life, 1 day into my youngest sons life ... problems showed up. We knew, they were not healthy, they would not be healthy. Ribbons and barbies didn't matter a lick anymore. Life mattered. The youngest child would be 8 years old before I would ever again think about the fact that I had wanted girls not boys. I was watching my then 8 year old son play and he landed right into a mud puddle ... along with a little girl that had been chasing him. She burst into tears, he into laughter. I was just dying laughing and so taken by his reaction ... later that night I realized ...wait! I'd wanted girls! What happened? God, I wanted girls, why didn't I get my girl? (I miscarried a girl at 20 weeks pregnancy 14 months before my oldest son was born) Why do I have to wait till heaven to meet my daughter and play with ribbons in the hair? For a week or two I pouted. My heart broke as I dreamed about the girl I'd wanted so badly. The next Sunday at church, a girl was not wanting to have the bow put back in her hair and was whinning. I took my son onto his class, stepping around another family with a girl who was whinning because she'd gotten water on her pretty dress ... stopping at the Sunday school, another girl in my sons class was whinning ... about nothing, she was HAPPY and was whinning!!!! I was suddenly very aware .. my sons ...don't, nor have they ever whined. I left church that day, laughing with my sons, as I usually do, and realizing ... I'd have made a terrible mother to girls. I only wanted daughters for the ribbons and the tea parties! I love digging for worms with my sons and have been known to torture them with creepy crawlies ... I love the rough and tumble world of boys ... if I had had girls, I'd have wound up with tomboys for sure ... God surely knew what he was doing when he gave me what I truely desired in a family. I may have THOUGHT I wanted girls. But he knew I really wanted boys. Isn't it wonderful that God knows what we want more than we do?????

Undoing Emails ....

I am posting in orange in honor of Oklahoma State University, Big 12 Conference Champions! Next game is NCAA championships. GO POKES! ................................................. Ok, now for the purpose of my blogging today. Have you ever sent an email and then wished you hadn't done it? Wished you could undo it? Wished you could take it back? This last week, I was reminded on a Dr. Charles' blog that I can email my doctor. I've had an annoying problem that I am pretty sure that I know what the cause of the problem is. However, I'm not 100% sure. I'm ...say 90% sure. Maybe even 98% sure. Wait, I'm 98% sure it's Lupus, I'm only 90% sure it's pleurisy. So, I email my doctor and tell her about the chest pain I've been having. I'm sure to remind her that I've been put through the ringer in the past with cardiac testing and that it's always come back 'text book normal'. But, the chest pain is left side, and it comes with palpatations and some shortness of breath. Any lupus patient with pleurisy will tell you that having pleurisy can also be accompanied with palpetations & shortness of breath. So, I was hurting when I sent it. Now the pain that's left is pretty much minor and most of the chest pain is costochondritis, which has nothing to do with the left side chest pain ... and I'm wishing I hadn't emailed her. I am 90% sure it's just plain old garden variety lupus pleurisy. There is a slight possibility that it could be lupus pericarditis. It's that blasted 2 % what if this is caused by my 310 cholesterol level thought running through my brain that made me send that blasted email! WHY did I send it!!! I would give anything to get it back. My concerns ... being put through a bunch of testing. I am SOOOOO tired of going through test after test after test ...geesh, in the last 4 months I've been diagnosed with Insulin resistance, melanoma (on my NOSE) and a knee cap that won't stay in place & needs surgery. I don't want any more blessed tests! I'm tired of testing that comes back showing nothing and even more tired of testing that comes back showing problems!

March Madness

OSU (church is going to be fun tomorrow, well, for me, being an OSU fan. For my OU fan pastor, probably not so much fun ... personally, I'm going to have a ball. I wonder if I have anything orange I can wear ... hmmmmm where's my OSU sweatshirt?) I was nice enough to not tell him after the national championship football game that there is one team I will cheer over OSU for ..and that's USC ... I've been a Trojan's fan since I was in diapers. I've only lived in Oklahoma since I was 17. So, I was one of 3 residents in Oklahoma that was happy at the end of the football season. But tomorrow, it is going to be FUN. GO OSU!!!

Waking up

I laid down this morning, to take a nap. I'd promised a fellow lupie that I would nap today. She's worried about me wearing down & not taking enough care of myself. (what? who? me? Never!) So, I lay down, and it's 42* outside. I crawl under my electric blanket and a comforter, and a quilt in my flannel jammies. I snuggle under the electric blanket and pretend it's one big heating pad for my aching joints and I drift off to sleep. I had some odd dreams about basket ball games. I have a bad habit of not being able to sleep in the day without background noise, I had the TV on, so March Madness was on. It wasn't when I fell asleep, but at some point, it came on and invaded my dreams. Had it been any other sport but basketball, I'd probably had enjoyed it more. I hate basketball!!!! Ok, so I watch March Madness, but that's beside the point! The dreams are strange and they involve basketball and the email I sent to my doctor about my latest symptoms that are relatively new. She's mad at me in the dream for not going to the ER and she's chasing me around the basketball court. OK ..first, I can't see her doing that, second, I can't run. Third, she wears heels, could SHE run? Anyway, after a couple of hours, I wake up, I am DRENCHED in sweat. My hair is soaking wet. My Pj's are soaked, I am absolutely drenched. My sheets on the bed need changed, my pillow cases need changing, I should probably wash my pillows. I am SOAKED. I could not have gotten wetter had I stepped into the shower. (yes, (I've done that in my sleep, but no, it's always woke me up, so I don't think that's what this was). So, being a 40 year old woman, my first thought is Great! Hot flashes, just what I need! No, it's not th first hot flash, nor is it the first time I've experienced a night sweat type experience ... but it certainly was the most severe. I get up, I change clothes, I change the sheets on the bed, and I walk into the living room. I'm still sweating. Geesh, it's hot, when will this hot flass stop? So, I get on line, I happen to look at the temperature ... 85* WHAT!!!!!!! ok ...soooo I look around, the windows are closed, no fans running ... whew! it's not me! (tomorrow's projected high is 56*, yesterdays was 51*, have I ever said that extreme changes in temperature flare my autoimmune diseases more than anything? UGH)

Changing, growing, reverting.

Have you ever taken a personality profile? There are many out there. They are interesting and fun to do. They can tell you a lot about yourself. They can show you your strengths & weaknesses. The one I'm most familiar with is the one that classifies people as "Sanguine (popular), Choleric(powerful), Meloncholy(perfect) or Phlegmatic(peaceful)"
The dangers, are using them as an excuse : I can't help that I behave that way, I'm a meloncholy. or I can't get involved like that, I'm a phlegmatic. or I'm not able to control my temper, I'm a choleric.
That doesn't cut it, you really need to use these tests to improve your strengths and to lessen your weaknesses.
Now, I took one of these as a late teen/early 20's. I was pure Sanguine. Extremely hyperactive, wild, all over the place, unorganized ... funny, spontaneous, lively, talker ..etc etc etc.
The people I admired, was the cholerics. They were the ones that always seemed to have their act together. (Most doctor's are going to be cholerics). I really think I was too sanguine to follow my dream of becoming a doctor. I wasn't organized enough, wasn't determined enough ... I threw away a life long dream of becoming a doctor in a 5 minute conversation because I didn't want to take Algebra. I never HAVE taken algebra. Had I been able to just take science without math to become a doctor, I'd be one. Love science, hate math ... that's a problem when you're a sanguine LOL.
When I started to attend the church I go to, almost 7 years ago, I took another personality profile and I tested exactly equal in all 4 personality types. I was THRILLED! LOOK HOW BALANCED I AM!!!!!!
My pastor, who was teaching the class, said "we have 2 in the class who test equal on all 4. This is the worst personality profile to have, can anyone tell me why?"
HUH?

He went on to explain (as the air went out of my balanced balloon) that a person who fits sqarely equal on all 4 types, is a people pleaser to the nth degree, puts themself last and usually at the expense of even their own spiritual development. People who are equal in all 4 types are not balanced, they are victims of "Martha Syndrome" (the story of Mary & Martha serving Jesus and Martha gets angry because she's doing all the work.) So, I sat there just going ... oh.

A few years later, I took the test again. I wasn't quite as 'balanced'. But, I was definitely no where near where I'd been as a teen and young adult. In fact, I was just the opposite. I was phlegmatic ... shy, withdrawn.

Last night, I took the test, and I scored : 17 in Sanguine, 11 in Meloncholy, 7 in Phlegmatic & 5 in Choleric.
I think that's probably a pretty good balance, and maybe just maybe, I'm getting back to the real me. Enough phlegmatic to calm the sanguine wildchild.
Enough meloncholy to keep the sanguine disorganized organized. Enough Sanguine to keep the phlegmatic in me from pulling too deep back in my shell.

I think that, I disliked so much of who I was as a child, that I pulled myself so far into a shell, that I didn't see the good in me. As God heals my broken heart, I am returning more and more to who I was. Hopefully, the fun part of me will come back to light, the weaknesses will not!
I hated being sanguine when I was younger. I saw it as everything that was wrong with me. I saw it as the reason I couldn't accomplish anything. I saw it as the reason I was a failure. Now, I am thrilled to see that I am returning to my sanguine personality. I am returning to be who it was that God created me to be.

As long as I can keep the qualities of the phlegmatic like "listener/tolerant/contented" and the qualities of " Deep/scheduled/ Considerate" of the meloncholy ... I'll be glad to be the silly person I once was.

Computer frustration & Myasthenic Smiles

Ok, for the last few days, everytime I go to post something, I get a message that the page didn't work. Then I hit refresh & it tells me I can't do that. I have to wait hours to find out if it did, in fact, publish my post or not. Half of the time, the post shows up, half the time, it doesn't. It makes blogging rather strange. Yesterday, I tried to blog about having what I call an invisible illness. My frustration with my husband's inability to tell when I'm really tired, and worn out. I told a girlfriend, who was shocked and informed me that my illness is NOT invisible, the Myasthenia is very apparent on my face and is visible when I get tired. I said "Yea, when I get REAL tired." She, then, informed me that I don't have to get 'real tired' but that it shows in stages. She said after she and I get to giggling, my smile doesn't smile right for an hour or so. My eyes droop in the evenings (say WHAT? I thought they only did that when I got sick!) and that the muscles in my face look flat when I am fatigued. So much for me thinking I'm lucky enough to not look like a myasthenic! I guess it's just my husband that's clueless. All this time, I thought my mom was being just over protective & a worry wort and now I found out I can be 'read'. I asked a few other people, my pastor & his wife, and a couple of others. They looked at me like I was crazy and they said "Yes, when you get even a little tired, it shows all over your face and you walk different" OH. Hmmm so why doesn't hubby see it? Anyway, I thought I'd post a couple of pictures where it doesn't show and compare it to the one my son took a couple of weeks ago while Don was in the hospital ... this was me dressed up for a Vacation Bible School ... I realize I live in Oklahoma, but no, we really don't dress like this on a regular basis. This was me when I was in a church Christmas musical. I played the church organist (spinster) and the setting was 1905 Iowa. My character's name was Cornelia Washborn. I had an obnoxious laugh and was sure I was really in charge, not the pastor. This is the picture taken while Don was in the hospital. (same one as below with kittens) The one below it was taken a couple of weeks before that at a party for my mother, it's not quite as clear much harder to see, but thought I'd throw it in anyway. > Looking at these, I can't tell, does it really show? Are my friends just perceptive? Have I been in denial about being 'invisible'? Or is it subtle and it really takes someone paying attention and therefore it's a combination of both????? Ok, now to hit publish and see if this actually shows up today.

yet again

Well, this did manage to show up, 24 hours AFTER I posted it, and after I posted the one this morning ... go figure. So, I deleted it. Computers! Can't live with them, can't live without them!

Habitat For Humanity

Pearls and Dreams

Well, I'm going to try yet another post, I've tried two postings today, and neither have showed up. So, I'll try my latest news and see what is in the blog in the morning.

My family & I are getting a house through Habitat for Humanity. We have to have 500 hours of 'sweat equity'. We have to pay $500 in an escrow account, at $50 a month. When it is done, we will have an interest free loan and will buy the house at fair market value (minus labor cost, but all other costs are there). It is incredible to me, how much removing the interest makes the difference between being able to afford a house and NOT being able to!!

You can get the sweat equity hours by working in the woodshop, working in the restore, taking a 10 month financial class (required) 2 classes a month, & doing the homework, attending 8 of 12 homeowner workshops & working on homes. You have to have 450 hours before they will start to build your home.

Most of my class has completed their hours, we started last June, our financial class ends two weeks from tonight. Those who have not completed the class, are well over 300 hours. Two are behind me, one is with me, we're always seeming to be neck and neck. (well, I guess, out of a 10 family class ... 2 behind, 1 with, that's only 6 ahead ... so that's not as bad as it felt looking at the board!)
One is behind because she was put on hold & she's WAY behind. She's just started back up a few weeks ago. The other, I don't know why she's behind. You have to have a minimum of 15 hours a month, and she has 15 hours a month ...plus 3.

I have, 231.5 hours as of tonight. My husband, isn't helping much. Granted, he's disabled ...but then, if you read down my blog a bit, so am I!!! If he'd help out around the house a bit, or even encourage me in the hours, I guess it wouldn't bother me so much, but oh well. I finally decided that with him or without him, I need a house. With kids or without kids, I need a house, if I have to do it myself, I will do it myself. Period.
I did get aggrivated at the end of last month (while he was in the hospital and I was having to work the last friday of the month because he'd refused to go in the week before and therefore we were caught HAVING to do it inspite of the family emergency!) when I realized that had he put in the work I had ... we'd have 450 hours ... but, I can't focus too much on that, or I will go insane!

So, tonight, I go to my second to last financial class. I love these classes. Don't ask me why. I do. Everyone else, is glad to be done. I wasn't. The teacher said she had something she wanted to talk to me about. I said what, anything, I could stay for a few classes after. She said "Exactly"
"huh?"
"I want you to keep coming to the classes"
"OK!"
By then, I'm laughing and so is she.
She says "I'm serious"
I said, laughing very hard "SO AM I"
She starts laughing harder and looks at the class who, by now is all laughing and says "she doesn't realize I'm serious yet does she!"

She was! She has asked me to continue on ..because she needs an assistant teacher! She wants me to help teach the financial class, help with the one on one assignements, help with teaching when she has fund raising to do, make copies when she's in the middle of teaching and she needs something and the there have been times she's wanted to break the group into 2 groups, but only being one person couldn't do it, so ..she wants me to be her assistant teacher.

I get hours for it.
I don't know if I get office hours for it, which are straight sweat equity hours, or leadership ..which are 90 minutes for every 60 minutes.

Either way, I feel it's an honor to be asked ...and how fun is that!!

test

Pearls and Dreams
I posted a huge long rambling post this afternoon ... and I think I lost it ...

I have my habitat for humanity financial class (second to last one, 19th of 20 classes, end of 10 months series!) tonight, and I may redo it tomorrow if it doesn't show up.
After tonight, our Habitat Hours should be 234.5 and we need 450 to build.
When the financial class is over, the sweat equity will really begin because there won't be any more air conditioned classes to sit through, woodshop, building houses & restore is it ...real work, which, could get interesting for this body. You should see my doctor wince when I mention the woodshop and the power tools!
NAIL GUNS ARE FUN!!!!!

test

Pearls and Dreams
I posted a huge long rambling post this afternoon ... and I think I lost it ...

I have my habitat for humanity financial class (second to last one, 19th of 20 classes, end of 10 months series!) tonight, and I may redo it tomorrow if it doesn't show up.
After tonight, our Habitat Hours should be 234.5 and we need 450 to build.
When the financial class is over, the sweat equity will really begin because there won't be any more air conditioned classes to sit through, woodshop, building houses & restore is it ...real work, which, could get interesting for this body. You should see my doctor wince when I mention the woodshop and the power tools!
NAIL GUNS ARE FUN!!!!!

Punctuality & Kindness

Pearls and Dreams

Ok, so this story happened this morning, and it happened to happen at my son's doctor's office, but, it happens, in any kind of business, all over America, everyday.

What is with people who think they can show up late and still keep the appointment they were scheduled for? I don't care if it's a doctor, a therapist, a lawyer, an accountant, a pastor, a job interview ...whatever. If you're late, your late and the business has moved on, taken the next person, and you being squeezed in will cause a back up for everyone else. If you're 5 minutes late, you're usually allowed in, and THAT disrupts the schedule. 10 minutes, you'll still probably be allowed, and THAT disrupts the schedule more. 15, and businesses, especially doctor's offices, are making people reschedule and that is the cause of this morning's chaos and the cause of today's posting.

I take my 13 year old (the grinner in the orange shirt below) to see the doctor for a follow up on his asthma. I almost cancelled because, he didn't seem to be having much problems with it. Since there have been several appointments where, I thought he was OK, and he got a breathing treatment while at the docs, I decided, better safe than sorry.

I walk in, and there are more pregnant women in that waiting room than I think I'd EVER seen in any one room! Including than in my OB/GYN office!!! (My sons go to the local medical college family residency program & they evidently were having their OB/GYN clinic ...word of warning ...if you're ever in this situation, and you're not one of them ... RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

So, we sign in, the girls behind the counter smile, greet us. They ask Benjamin how he's doing like they always do. They are obviously behind, so I go sit down and wait for them to call me back up to verify the insurance/address stuff.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in, I see the one woman behind the counter shaking her head. The woman waiting to be seen, looks like she's about 5 or 6 months pregnant and has a couple of kids with her. She gets mad. She starts to raise her voice and says that she doesn't care if she's 20 minutes late, she scheduled the appointment a month ago and should be allowed to keep it. The women in the office remain REMARKABLY calm & polite.

3 more women sign in. They've managed to sign in those 3 & verify about 5 more people and another pregnant woman comes in, same shaking of the head from behind the desk. This woman too, immediately becomes angry ... and says that she's only 15 minutes late and she doesn't care why these 'low life's won't let her in, they better let her in'. There are signs all over the place that say if you're over 15 minutes late, you will be rescheduled, it's on the appointment cards too.
She's yelling, she also has a toddler in tow.
The employees, once again, remain VERY calm and cool & collected & polite. My 13 year old son leans over and says "Mom! Why are these women being so mean to the people who work here?" I shrug my shoulders wondering if I should mention hormones or not ... I'm surrounded by pregnant women who haven't had their information verified yet.

By now, I've realized, something has gone wrong, I've had to wait at this clinic before, but never like this. I've been there 20 minutes and I haven't had information verified. The women are getting angry. I'm watching the employees at both windows as people are checking in and out ...and they are remaining calm as I'd ever seen them. People are being ruder than I'd EVER seen them in a doctor's office!

25 minutes after arriving, 10 minutes early for the appointment, they call me up for verification. The one woman looks at me and says "Thank you for always being so nice and patient!" I'm sitting there thinking the same thing about her!!!

We have to wait another 20 minutes to go back to the doctor, and the whole time we're out there a total of 7 people come in 15 minutes or later for their appointment. The last one, was 93 minutes late ... ONE HOUR AND THIRTY THREE MINUTES LATE!!!!! She had 3 kids, all looked to be under 5 with her. And the language out of her mouth made my son's face turn red!
She was screaming at them and telling them where they could stuff their appointment book ...and they never raised their voices. I have no idea where these women got their calm from. I certainly wouldn't be this calm ...heck! MY doctor's office doesn't treat us with this kind of respect! (See my post from last month!)

They call us back, we see the doc, who is THRILLED with Benjamin's treatment plan for his asthma working so well. He says his lungs sound better than he'd ever heard them. He talks to Benjamin about his fatigue and shortness of breath, and we find that it always follows a time that Bj has failed to remember to use his inhaler before exercise. So he talks to him about the importance of it. The doctor catches onto Benjamin's developmental delays in this visit. Our 4th. I don't know how I feel about that. I had a certain smugness in his lack of mentioning before, a certain amount of denial I was allowing myself to feel because of it.
He said he didn't notice it the first 2 visits, last time he suspected, this time he was sure, we talked about the possibility of testing & stuff like that (and why in the world is it not in his chart!? He's going to investigate cause it should have been there and should have been in his complete history taken by the other resident (first year, taking complete medical history) last apptointment.
I don't think it's necessary ... maybe at some future point. He probably should be in speech therapy, but finding a speech therapist that can deal with his problems is few and far between, it's far more language based than speech based.
Only 4 visits and he figured it out, means it's a bit more obvious than I think it is. Then again, he's a family medicine/psychiatry resident 3rd year and ...should he have gotten it before? I don't know.

Anyway. We start to leave, and one of the women from the front desk is walking by & she's almost in tears saying under her breath "I can't help it, we don't do that today, she didn't have an appointment for her little girl! She had an OB appointment, it's not my fault it's not my fault it's not my fault!" Then she looks up and see's me ... looks embarrased and immediately smiles and goes back to her congenial nature. Gives Benjamin a hug since he's within her reach and there is no window between them. Goes back to work.

I go to check out and there is a woman screaming at the check out girl ...this makes screamer #8. She's pregnant too ..screaming because she's there for an OB/GYN appointment and she brought her 2 year old to get a vaccination, she was due at 15 months, she has to have it for day care & they won't let her back without it and she has to have it and now what do I do.
They're telling her that they don't DO vaccinations on Tuesdays & they have a vaccination clinic nurse that does it by appointments on Mondays & Fridays. But she isn't even there to do it today, and the girl didn't have an appointment.
The mother is screaming at them that how can you be so mean! I'm just trying to take care of my 'f-in' baby! OKAY lady ... um ..first, she's 9 months LATE in getting the vaccine, you should have thought of that before.

What's the saying, lack of planning on your part does not justify an emergency on my part?

The woman checking out, is polite, and calm, the security guard is red faced and obviously tired, fed up.
The woman storms out and says "No body in this #@#$# place ever tries to help me!"

I step up to check Bj out and tell the girl, you've always been helpful to me!

So, Benjamin and I walk out the door and he makes the comment about how mean all those women were, and how nice the people who work there were, and how they should be told their nicer than they're being treated. I agree. So we go to the store and get them cards and snickers easter eggs & go back to the clinic.
The one woman who hugged Benjamin in the hallway, you could SEE the stress melt off her when we handed it to her!!!!! Then she came running around the office door to give us both a hug.
The other woman teared up and kept working. She just shook her head and said "Thank you, you just made this all alot easier"


We walked across the clinic to give the check out girl her card/candy & she saw us again and tensed up, and Benjamin handed her the card & candy and she just sighed.

We walked out of there with my 13 year old son in tears. "Mom! I think we made a difference in their lives!!"

I knew when we decided to go to the store, that we would be making a difference, what I didn't plan on, was the effect that would have on my emerging teenage son!!!!

People, if you're late ... call, find out if you can still be seen. If not, reschedule.
Don't ANYONE leave a comment here about waiting forever in the doctor's offices! People show up AT their appointment times, signing in at the time, or 5 minutes late, which puts the doctor behind the 8 ball, and each patient that does that, puts the doctor behind the 8 ball even more.

I went into my neurologist one time and got out 5 minutes BEFORE my scheduled appointment time. When I asked him how he'd managed that ... he said "EVERY single patient checked in 10 minutes before their scheduled appointment, when they're here on time, I rarely get behind"

Sure, emergency can and will happen but by and large ..if you spend any amount of time REALLY watching doctor's office workings ... it's the late patients that get things running behind! (except in a cardiologist & ortho's office those seem to just run behind! LOL)