Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Friday, February 18, 2005


Pearls and Dreams

My church is participating in a church wide "40 Days of Purpose" with Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life.

I've read it twice before. I've gotten a lot out of it ... including and not limited to ... God made me because he loved me and regardless of where I see myself ... HE sees me on the same playing field as the rest of his Creation.

This last week, was about being involved in the church. Protecting the nature of your church. Being non judgmental and realizing that if you have 10 Christians in a room, you'll have 14 different opinions on any given doctrinal issue... and that cannot be a reason to divide the church.

I am married to someone who ... for lack of better terms ... is the most judgemental and critical person I have ever met when it comes to religious things. He insists that you read King James Version (and not the NEW KJV). That you MUST believe as he does on end times (my church does not... I could care less).

Wednesday night, taking a church leadership class with my pastor teaching he mentioned that some people in the church take issue with his saying "The main thing is to keep the MAIN THING the main thing" and that some people really really get upset with him when he says that. He told the class that there are those in the church who disagree with him over translation, end times and changes in how things are done. I wanted to crawl under the desk, knowing he was talking directly about my husband ...he'd even quoted my husband word for word. I also knew, that no one else in the room knew it was Don that he was talking about but he and I, so crawling under a desk would tell more than he was telling ... he was trying to make a point. I realized how much he respected me at that point, that he felt safe enough in MY relationship with him, that he could use my husband as an example without fear of offending me. (he was right, I was not offended, just once again, embarrassed that here I am one of his biggest cheer leaders when it comes to accepting those who don't agree with me ... and finding unity in what we do agree on and agreeing to disagree on what we don't ... but I'm married to his staunchest critic and most judgmental member, who decided that he wasn't about to go to a church anymore where they obviously didn't know as much about God's word as he did ... he refused to go to Sunday Schools or Bible study classes because "I'm not going to sit there and be taught by someone who knows less than I do" well, he'd say that even when the pastor was the teacher ... HELLO?? Sorry, when you're 49 and you've spent less than half your life in church, and spent most of your life saying what churches are doing wrong and reading the Bible with the sole purpose of proving someone's doctrine wrong ... when you give no one grace or mercy but yourself ... how can you claim to know more than someone in the ministry for 20 years and active in church since early childhood ... with a doctorate degree ... and 20 years experience pastoring a church??????) ARGH!!!!!!

So, we're reading Purpose Driven Life, and it's talking about NOT doing or saying the things above. That we have to protect our church, we have to realize that not everyone will agree ... and that we have to agree on the majors and agree to disagree on the minors and let our Unity be strong and not torn apart by judgement and immaturity.

I keep reading this wondering how my husband can be reading the same book I am and still justify his actions & words. Tonight, in small group, he asked the group to forgive him ... that he had to stop tearing apart the body of Christ and look for common ground with them. He asked them to pray for him as he repented ...
He said that his pride and fear keep him paralysed and non participatory ...it's easier to judge than to be hurt again and he doesn't want to keep running and keep tearing apart the body but wants to participate ...

I don't know ..the whole small group was in tears and happy and prayed with him and all I could think of was ...this will last ... until the pastor says something that he disagrees with. Then I'm going to be right back in the place of fighting over what my place of worship is doing that isn't wrong that he percieves as wrong.

We'll see ... if he refuses to go to church on Sunday, then I'm not going to be able to believe a word of this, you have no idea how many times I've seen him 'repentant' only to see him throw it in my face later ... he's broken all my trust in him ... he's destroyed my love for him ... calling me names, cheating on me, and tearing me down ... the only reason I'm with him still is because I was too scared to leave. I don't have the heart to get my hopes up again ... only to have him call me a name or question my motives or to tell me that the church doesn't really know me or they wouldn't be letting me do what I do ... or to be insulted because I've been complemented.

Yes, I believe God could be working in him, I'm just too raw and too scared to believe it till I actually SEE the fruit this time.


  1. Bless your heart, dear! Just came here from Cliff's and this post touches my heart. I was raised by a man like you say yours is. Also went through some very hard and ugly years with my husband. But at least with my husband, God got ahold of his heart...and he was not quite as critical as that. But it took a broken heart as part of that path...and you cannot go through that with a child...well, I am the mom and it affected me plenty too! May God give you the grace to deal with it...or the peace to leave. My mom stayed and died some years ago...he is still one bereft man. Of course, NOW my dad knows what he lost. He is still critical. I think whatever happened to him in his childhood so marred him...he will never be quite right. IT is so hard to have one's hopes dashed time and time again. But God can take broken pieces and fix em up...crazy quilts can be warm...maybe not so pretty as ones made more uniformly but still serviceable and sometimes even beautiful. You seem to have found God as your all in all...He will continue to take care of you! Blessings.

  2. He really is my All in all.

    My frustration with my husband all seems to be spiritually based. If he'd just get a grip and grow up ... or at the very least ... let me be ... then ... things would be so much smoother.

    My life aside from my husband is great. My health, is not, but my life is. Great kids (who drive me insane, as all teenagers should) a wonderful church ...expounding boarders and a deepening relationship with God that never ceases to impress me with just how deep and far and wide and high His love will go for me.

    I love the things I am doing with in my church. I love the decipleship program I'm participating in ...and I am doing the decipling side of it as well as the being discipled side.

    I love the growth in Christ ... and I love to worship Him in everything that I do ... the frustration often only comes in when my husband throws the bucket of cold water on it.

    I have a peace that eventually, I don't know the timing exactly, but I do know the situation, that God will have either healed Don's broken shattered spirit ... or he'll release me from the emotional & spiritual abuse.

    Right now, it's just a matter of waiting and praying ... and hoping ... and believing that

    In Christ alone, I place my trust, and find my glory in the power of the cross, in every victory let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone!

  3. Bless your heart. Somehow I wish that knowing that you're not alone in this kind of struggle would make things better. Sadly, there's not much comfort in numbers in this case. Sort of like being alone in a crowd.

    My only advice: don't negate the Spirit's work with your doubt. If your hub senses that he has to prove his change or growth he may resort and return to resentful ways. If you're looking for fruit look for the teeniest production not the watermelons! And fan the flame. Become his biggest cheerleader. And know this: fear is powerful and Satan is pulling hard to get him to come back.

    Painful as it is: remember there's a battle going on for this man's wounded soul. He had to be terribly wounded somewhere to respond like he does. He has to defend himself and protect himself and he uses criticism and judgment as his arsonal. Keep praying that he won't feel the need to go back to that.

    I so understand the push to doubt. My hub, wonderful as he is, is weak in many points. I've longed for him to be the spiritual leader of our home. It's just not in him. So I've surrendered that and revel in the times when he allows the Spirit to lead him. It comes in spurts so I've taken to looking at it like a vacation...enjoy the wave for the moment and look forward to the next one! (As I write that there's a big smile on my face and tears in my eyes.)

    Who's your closest friend and prayer pal? Get them praying with you on this.

    It can't hurt. It could help hub and will always draw you closer to God.

    Keep us posted on the harvest!

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  5. One more Morning one more...
    Sometimes I chase them and sometimes they chase me...

    Vivek Ghai