Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Saturday, February 05, 2005

26 years, the pain is still there ... not as bad, but still there

Pearls and Dreams

Dear Dad,
Today is 26 years from the day you chose to leave me. I Don't hurt as bad as I used to, but I'm learning, the pain will never ever completely go away. I am learning to live with that pain. Learning to use that pain to help others. I posted this poem to you when I first started this blog, but felt that today, on the 26th anniversary of your suicide, that it was appropriate to post it again. I miss you, daddy. Something terrible. You missed out on so much, and I've missed out on so much because of your choice. I will always love you. Love Peggikaye
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless

Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.

© Peggikaye Eagler


  1. I have in the past struggled with issues similar to those of your father, and it is the thought of leaving my son, motherless, with no one to answer him the questions he would have, because there would be no answers, it is him and his bright smile that sometimes keeps me breathing. Your story is sad, but moving and I'm glad you've come through able to see some light.

  2. I'm glad his smile gives you enough bright light to keep moving, even when the pain seems more than what one human can bear.

    I don't for an instant think that my dad would have left me if he'd understood what he was doing to me. He was the singularly most unselfish person I have ever met, and in his pain, he thought we'd be better off without him. He was oh so wrong.

    I had a friend who read that poem and said "but depression is often not temporary" and I can only think, but the kind that leads to actually being suicidal, IS only temporary, compared to the lasting effects of the suicide. The depression can be lifted, even if only a bit, death is forever. No matter how you look at it ..death is permanent, emotions are transient and we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

  3. From someone who has been pretty close to where your father stood, I know that the pain he felt was, at that moment, unbearable. His world was, to him, without hope and a black void.

    None of this was real, most likely, but chemical.

    Had he been able to clearly think of the harm he would bring to you and your family, he would surely still be here.

    And you know, its OK to be heartbroken and to miss him. He must have been a truly incredible man, and you honor him greatly.

  4. I am sorry aout the loss you suffered and the pain it caused. Thank you for trying to help others and remind them that it's certainly not the answer.

  5. Thank you for the insight. My father left us - via insanity - fifty years ago. And yes, it still hurts. When I let it. - woody

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