Whoops! Now I've done it!

Dear PearlsAndDreams,Well, you did it. You've gone and pledged your November to the pursuit of the month-long novel. Whether this is your first or ninth NaNoWriMo, we know you're going to have a great time, and we're thrilled to have you writing with us.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The question is ...can I write fiction????? oh brother!

I have a story at heart ... a story that is aching to be told. It comes out of a something that happened for real in my life ...

When I saw Collecting Cats desire to do hers on a Korean Wedding Vase ... She pushed me over the edge of cooperating this year ... I knew that I too must attempt this feat of writing this novel. I've had this story in my heart for a while now. It's not about a Korean china ...but rather Chinese China ... Blue Willow Legendary China
and an american girl of dreams ...



Even the Chinese copied it in their hand-painted decoration. Perhaps Minton's design was influenced by the legends that still surround Blue Willow today. One thing is certain. For two hundred years, children from all over the world have been coaxed into eating their vegetables, by mothers promising to tell them a story-that of a pair of hopeless young lovers turned into birds so they might remain happy together throughout eternity.

"So she tells me a legend centuries old

Of a Mandarin rich in lands and gold,

Of Koong-Shee fair and Chang the good,

Who loved each other as lovers should.

How they hid in the gardener's hut awhile,

Then fled away to the beautiful isle.

Though a cruel father pursued them there,

And would have killed the hopeless pair,

But kindly power, by pity stirred,

Changed each into a beautiful bird.

.....

Here is the orange tree where they talked,

Here they are running away,

And over all at the top you see,

The birds making love alway(s)."

Willow Ware is available in a wide range of patterns, makers-most identifiable by mark, styles, and periods-running from 1780 to wares produced today. Later pieces should only be purchased in excellent condition. Old Blue Willow is a prudent investment today as it is scoffed at by many dealers unaware of its important place in history

I looked for just the right font for this, I could not find one. Blogger, gives is very few choices. these days. So, I guess, I can plug in some webdings and color to give my post some flavor ... if I so choose. I wish I could warn you about what is about to come out of my fingers. But I must warn you: It is 3:30 on Friday morning ... and on Sunday Morning, my little baby boy, the one who so charmly held his hands on his hips at one year and said "DON'T YOU DO THAT! " to a nurse who was going to give him a breathing treatment .... and the same sweet sweet boy, who stood up, and stook out his hand to say "Nice to meet you" to the ER doctor who had treated him for being very very ill and saved us yet another hospital visit. We'd spend the whole day in that ER, going through IVbags, and IV antibiotics .... trying to keep a just barely 2 year old to understand "yes, they are acting like the hospital, not "checkers" like the ER ...but they want to keep you out of the Hosiptal if they can." After 13 hours .... The doctor came back ...blood levels had stableized ... a nurse would come and draw blood in the middle of the night, and to listen to his breathing, run one bag of fluids. If all was stable, he'd be ok, and would not need hospitallization. They were fighting to keep this kid with the bad ear and the bronchitis off the floor, even though he EAAAAAZily met criteria ... but they had pneumonia, RSV, and an unknown skin virus that seems to be spreading from room to room. (years later, they now call that an \MSRA investion) We won, we and patient doctor's ... won.
So, we're getting ready to leave, Samuel, is just over 2, his mom is pregnant and about to pop at any given sneeze in the wrong way (wasn't going to be that easy ...he was late too ...and had to be incudeced as well ...stubborn boys!) And he just stood up straight and tall, miliatry style, poked out his hand and said "it was nice you could meet me today"

WE ROLLED. Poor kid had no idea what he'd really said ...but we all knew what he'd meant. He made, the doctor's day! Holiday weekned too, I'm sure. WE always thought he didn't understand his slip. Now? We really have to question it.

My son. Samuel Dwayne Eagler, Born October 14, 1989 to a set of parents who were too medically fragile to have kids .. had the genetic stack of cards ...stacked against him. Joint problems, cholesterol, autoimmunnity comes from both mom's side (paternally) and Dad's side: He has a mother with Myasthenia Gravis and Lupus and fibromyalgia,an aunt with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromiyalgia, and an uncle with Multiple Sclerosis. His Grandfather has Glocucoma and Psoriasis. His Grandmother has Celeiac Diesease. There may be more that we're missing that we may not even be aware about.

But. he just goes on about life ... life, is what you make of it. Life hasn't rolled him the best ball ... but he's learned how to pick up that ball ... and either make you think it's a funny clowns face ... and made you laugh with it ... or, he's developed a really fun and engaging game, and gotten you to go along with his schemes ... Or, he's turned it into an object lesson he can teach about.

His caring for thers, seems to know no boundries ... even when proven that someone might be harming him, not have their best intersests at heart ... they always ... always have the last chance. We've tried to tell him that there has to come day when that rope must be cut ...and his response is "Jesus, would never cut that rope," ouch!

I think, my biggest admiration for him comes in handling his own personal 'challenges'. Which, he does not see ... in any way, shape, or form, as challenges. He sees these ... what are called in the medical and psychiatric fields as 'disorders' ... as ...how shall I put this ... an emphasis on his personality? He has both Tourette's Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The OCD will get to him long before the Tourette's. The TS, will never ever get to him. However, he uses the OCD to his advantage whenever he can possibly figure out a way to do so. (ok, so why can he not use it to MY advantage and get the neatnick part of it to clean my house and do his chores 'just so' ...huh? huh? huh? ...leave it to me to get an OCDer that doesn't care about neatness! horder/clutterbug ...hmph!)

His OCD enables him to make sure that he knows what he needs to know for school, to pass his classes, to make sure that his scores on the ACT & SAT are going to be top notch, and scholarship range. He uses it, to remember things about his friends, the things most friends forget ... birthdays, first days at work, work reviews, big tests ... and he calls the friend to check on them ... just the little things in life ..that when someone thinks of us, we feel loved and cared for ....

When he was first diagnosed with the Tourette's Syndrome, he was in the 5th grade. It was one of the years we didn't homeschool when he was younger. He had a teacher, who didn't get it. So, I'd had some on line friends write some letters about how their children's tourette's effected them in the classroom. I let him read the letters. As he did, he saw himself in those letters. After reading several of them ... he looked up with this big grin on his face and declared "I'm NORMAL in my Abnormalities!"

That, has been his life theme statement. I have these things in my life that society declares 'not normal' .... it's not normal to obsess on saying something 10 times till it sound 'right' ... it's not "normal" to walk around 'yelping' ...or saying "ayeb, OH MY, fish noise" (his current tic) it's not normal to have to walk only on the right side of the sidewalk and touch every portrution that sticks out of the walls ... and if you don't, turn around and start again (HAVE TO TOUCH) it's not normal to jerk your head back and swing it forward and back again. It's not normal to jerk your elbow out to the side.

It's just not normal ...unless ... you have OCD and Tourette's ... then, it's perfectly normal ...because that's what a person with OCD and Tourette's do ... so, he's normal in his abnormalities.

He's never had a bit of self esteem issues since he learned what the disorders are, and that for what he has, he's perfectly normal.

He's met a few people with SEVERE forms of the disorders, they've been in our church ... and they've been rejected ... and I heard him on the phone one afternoon ... calling every single youth group member ... explaining ... you know, you've been around it for years with my brother and I. It's not his fault. This, is what it is. He fought long and hard to bring acceptance for these other children. He had some sucess too ... his method ...education and kindness and example, with vunerability.

Some kids don't like him, some just don't find him funny. Some, need to hang around with kids who have the kind of money they have to go do things with ... having a kid who can just hang around a coffee shop or park or at home, isn't their cup of tea. It's different than when I
was a kid. Many of us had no spending money ...
ever ...so it was the majority that didn't have money to spend, not the miniority.

But I think, the lessons he's learning ... will keep him conscience of what God is doing for him, and through him as he enters this world we call adulthood.! happy Birthday Samuel.
I admire my son. I like who he is. If he were not my son, I would like to think, he'd let me be his friend. Happy Birthday Samuel.

What's In a Name

Miss Moofie did a meme about her middle name the other day. I cracked a joke about being glad that she didn't tag me. She then commented that she didn't know my middle name, to which, I responded that, I did not either.
So, after thinking about it for a day or so, I've decided that my name might make an interesting blog entry. It certainly has caused enough *interesting* situations in my life. If Moof thinks her middle name is complicated, she will be grateful for it by the time she is done reading this. *grin*

I was born, in Harbor City, California. My mom, was alone, because my father had left her when she was 3 months pregnant. He left her the day she told him that she was pregnant. She had a sister named Peggy, and aunt Peggy and my Dad had an Aunt Peggy. The name Peggy ... was a family tradition. However, there was far more to the name Peggy being a family tradition than met the eye. (none of those Peggy's, by the way, liked the name, nor thought it should be a family tradition ...)

Peggy, was NOT the legal name of any of those Peggy's. Peggy ... was a nickname. An Irish nickname. How that nickname came to be ... no one is really sure ... but the real name is Margaret. To me, Peggy coming from Margaret makes as much sense as Jack being the nickname for John. But, that is neither here nor there ...or maybe it is ...but ...

So, November 21, 1964, Janet Mills had a little girl, and on the birth certificate, went the first name of Margaret. There had to be a middle name to distinguish her from the numerous other Margaret's in the family, so she named her after her favorite cousin in Portland ... Joyce Kathleen. So, the name on the birth certificate became Margaret Kathleen. The name that Margaret Kathleen was IMMEDIATELY called, was, by family tradition ... was Peggi ...

But, there were soooooooo many Peggy's in the family .... you can't have baby Peggi confused with Aunt Peggy and Aunt Peggy ... so ... what to call her to make it clear that she's not Aunt Peggy or Aunt Peggy Ann? (Peggy Ann is my mom's sister, Aunt Peggy, my father's aunt.) ....oh! Let's nickname the Kathleen as well!!!!!!!! Peggi Kaye ... well ... that would look much better, more unique as one word ... thus and so, Peggikaye was nicknamed ... at about 2 hours old.

The birth certificate would say Margaret Kathleen, the name would be Peggikaye. Forever to be called, Peggikaye ...by family members ... in California ...where double names are not common.

In kindergarten ... kids referred to her as Piggikaye ... or Piggi ... well, Peggikaye did not like that ...at all. Thankfully, the muppets were not around yet ...so Miss Piggi did not come up. But ... it was bad enough. So, when we moved to a new community, Peggikaye chose to go by Margaret at school. Which, she soon found out, she dispised. She'd asked to go by Kathleen, but she was told no one used their middle names. *blink*

The name gets far more complicated ... at this point ... her name is
Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills. ...eh, some kids have it worse ... no big deal.

But ... This girl is going to school where her mom is teaching. Peggikaye's mom is remarried to Harold Pearson (she married him when Peggikaye was 13 months old.) People start to call her mom Mrs. Mills. That, really bothers Mrs. Pearson ... a lot ... A LOT. Mr. Mills really wounded Mrs. Pearson ...and she doesn't want to be identified as Mrs. Mills anymore. The daughters, who adore their step father, and see him as their father, have no problem taking on his last name for convienience sake.
So ...Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills ... becomes

Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills Pearson ...

So ... in some situations ... she's Margaret Kathleen Pearson ...or Peggikaye Pearson ... or Margaret Mills ...or Peggikaye Mills ...or Peggi Mills ...or Peggi Pearson ...just depending on what the situation is and what the legal implication is ...and what home she happens to be staying at (always Mills at Dad's house, Pearson at mom's house ...except at a doctor's appointment .... )

Are you with me?

So, then ... Peggikaye Pearson ...or Peggikaye Mills, whichever you want to think of her as ... grows up ...and gets married ...adding another name to the mix ... Rendon ...

Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills Pearson Rendon.

She then promptly gets divorced. When she does, she decides to drop the Margaret ...the Peggikaye ...and finally use the Kathleen ....

and for a short time manages to be Kathleen Rendon.

No one in her circle of friends is able to make the transition, much to her dismay. Back to Peggikaye.

So, A couple of years later, she gets married again, adding yet another name to the mix ... Eagler

So ... her full legal name when she has to deal with the social security administration is

Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills Pearson Rendon Eagler

You should see the faces of the people in the office ...as any combination of those names have been used in legal situations in my life

Who is Margaret Mills
me
Who is Peggikaye Pearson
me
Who is Peggi Mills
me
Who is Kathleen Rendon
me
Who is Margaret Rendon (I got a ticket while married)
me
Who is Peggi Rendon
me
Who is Peggikaye Eagler
me
Who is Margaret Kathleen Eagler
who? oh ..me

So ..what is my middle name ... I have NO EARTHLY IDEA!!

What Was She Thinking?

In July, when Don came home from the hospital, we had home health care from the hospital's home health care agency.

The hospital was more than accomodating. The transition from an incredibly long, overwhelming hospital stay ...45 days ... to coming home was harder than I'd ever guessed it could have been. The agency seemed to understand that the adjustment was not going to be the piece of cake I expected it to be. I was so glad he was coming home! How could it be difficult?

He came home on a Friday or Saturday ... I don't remember now ... and on Saturday, the assessment was done. Monday,July 9th, the nurse assigned to his care came to our house. Professional, knowlegable, friendly and experienced ... we felt very comfortable .. even relieved with her being in charge of Don's care.

She'd been with the hospital's home health care for a number of years, and with the hospital for even longer ...a nurse for over 20. Most of those 20 years spent at this hospital. Her knowledge of Post polio syndrome and respiratory issues, especially regarding scoliosis was amazing. We didn't know if she'd studied up on it just to care for Don, or if she'd had experience with it before. It didn't matter. She knew how to care for Don ...and that was what was important.

She was supposed to come by Wednesday morning, and we didn't hear from her. Don, Wednesday afternoon, at 3:15, feeling caged in, after his long stay in the hospital, had his son take him to the coffee shop 2 blocks away. He'd be close enough to come home when she called to come over. She never called. We went to church that night, leaving Don home alone ... he thought he was doing well enough to be alone, but he started having trouble breathing ... and I had to leave church to come home and be with him. We started to talk about how we wished the nurse had came by like we thought we was scheduled to. We didn't know if his breathing troubles was expected or not.

We figured we mis understood ... maybe she'd come by on Thursday.

Friday Morning ... we hadn't heard from anyone in the home health agency ...not the nurse, not the PT, not the OT ... and by 11 I called the agency ... the supervisor called me right back. Very confused.

"are you sure?"
.... well, yeah ... I'm very sure ...
"well, the nurse said she saw Donald on Wednesday, but you weren't there, he was there alone."

Um mmm ... um ... no ma'am ... I was here all day.

"uh, let me call you back."

She called me back and asked permission to come out to the house.

She then showed us the file ... the nurses 'notes' of having been to our house from 3:30 to 3:55 ... complete with vital statistics ... and Don's signature ... only, it doesn't even remotely resemble Don's signature. Doesn't match their other signatures for Don either ... it does however, look like the nurse's handwriting.

Not only that, but we have the credit card reciept for 3:59 at the coffee shop... with Don's real signature ... for where he really was.

She didn't come by ...and she falsified records ...and she forged Don's signature.

Why in the world would a nurse for over 20 years ... completely falsify records ... why would she lie? Why would she say she'd seen him without the family present? Why would she forge his signature? Did she think that he was so incoherant that he wouldn't know the difference?

Does she realize the risk she put him at? It was really scary at the time to realize how much trouble breathing he had that night and we didn't know what we were to do about it ...and all we could think about was "I wish the nurse had come by"

It turned out ok ...and Don is only using oxygen occassionally, plus his bipap at night. He's walking with a cane ... still not driving. Still not able to open a can or jar ... still can't button his own jeans ... but he's doing well.

But today, I got a call from an investigator with the nursing board ... asking us to sign an afidavidt regarding the situation. We will. (she was very thrilled we were willing to cooperate) She said she couldn't go much into detail other than to say that there would likely be no plea bargaining, whatever that means)

It is a shame ... 20 year career ...just to avoid spending 30 minutes doing your job ... What a risk she put my husband at. I am friends ...both in real life and in the blog world with many medical professionals, and I can't imagine any of them risking their licence or career for this. I feel sorry for them when I think of this woman ... how many times they have to go the extra mile ... because of people like her ...

What was she thinking?

It's going to be an interesting ride.
I finally decide that it's time to get down to the business of therapy ... and ... my therapy team ... seems to dissapate on me. Dr. M leaves to go to another clinic, with the intention of me following him, but the insurance doesn't work out. The same day I find out I won't be following him, I find out that my therapist will be taking an emergency medical leave. She was supposed to have taken off right then for 6 weeks, however they had to work a few things out, and I saw her a couple more times. Her leave starts now. It will be 6 weeks starting now.

Could be interesting timing. We had a problem with social security ... they messed up, and my disability managed to get cancelled ... we are trying to get it fixed, should get fixed, but who knows how long it may get to fix. Hopefully quickly, our income has dropped to $495 for the month of October (for a family of 4!) um ..er ..uh ... yikes! What I don't know is ... does this mean my MEDICAL coverage has stopped as well? Or does the medicare/medicaid continue as well? I'm up a creek if that stopped when the social security disability stopped. The doctor appointments not being able to be kept is one thing .. not being able to get my rx's filled ...that ... is a whole 'nother kettle of fish!

What was frustrating, was calling Social Security and having them say "yes, we show that you called to say that you never got the forms, and that we didn't send them, but we still cancelled you because you didn't send them back into us." SAY WHAT? AND since when do you notify someone AFTER you've cancelled them????

My oh my.

Therapywise ... L, keeps saying that I'm disassociating during therapy. I'm not really sure what she means by that. This last time, she said that I did it more than normal. I know that I 'freeze' and don't know how to answer what she wants me to answer ... I get kind of numb. I guess I'll have to talk to her about that when she comes back. But, I'm aware of what is going on in the room ... I'm there ... I'm just 'stuck' and unable to respond, overwhelmed by what she's talking about or wants from me.

Her assignment while she's gone is for me to figure out what comfort is ... and how to be comforted.

Tagged by a theif!

PK, you had asked to play the interview thingy on my blog, so here goes:

1. What is one possession that you would hate to do without? The one possession I have the most trouble doing without would be my pen and paper. I could write down as many scriptures as I could remember, and those around me could remember ... so we could come up with our own Bible, but I'd also be able to write my heart to God, letters to others ... my ability to put into words what God is speaking to me into the written word would be lost if I could not do that.
2. What is one scripture you have trouble with, and why? Eat. There are many of them, that refer to eating, as a command, not a casual reference, but a command. Eating is an intrigral part of the celebrations of Christianity ... celebrations, not just survival. Food, it seems, is representative of more than just survival, but representative of the life that God has for us in His life and existance in heaven. Having had an eating disorder ... discovering that FOOD is really an intregral part of spirituality was an overwhelming part is kind of ... quite ... um ... overwhelming.
3. Where is one place you'd prefer to never return to? Pueblo, Colorado, except to see my fathers grave.
4. What is one thing you'd do differently if you had high school to do over again? I would take algebra and actually go on the medical school track.
5. If you were given $1000 that you had to spend on something for yourself, what would you use that money for? I would take a day at a spa, spoiling myself, being comforted in a way I'm not used to being comforted. Learning that it's ok to be comforted, to be comfortable. To be safe.

Those are my answers and here are the rules if you want to play too:1. If you are interested in being interviewed, leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by posting five questions for you. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Dream home

Your home is a Athletic Magnate's Villa Your kitchen is actually a GNC franchise, though all you really need are your Power Bars and Red Bulls. There's a Chocolatessen, which is rapidly becoming your favorite room of the house. Having one is also becoming a trend among your wealthy neighbors. Your master bedroom has an on-call masseuse and sports therapist. Your study has current issues of Sports News & Sports Illustrated, marked with a highlighter for better preparing your fantasy sports league. One of your garages houses your Hummer, and others contain your H2, and H3... with room for an H4, if they ever invent one. Your home also includes a guest wing and private quarters for your servants. Your guests enjoy your home theater with 37 different sports channels. Outside is your hedge maze and gardens, meticulously tended by a team of world-class botanists. And, you have a pet -- a doberman pincer named "Warren". Below is a snippet of the blueprints:

Build YOUR Dream Home!

God of Wonders by Third Day

"Darling, wake up!"

I woke slowly up and saw my Daddy's face grinning at me. What in the world? The sky was dark, lots of stars, no moon.

"Shhhhhh Don't wake your mom or sisters!"

My step sister Celda, his second to youngest, daughter, not Linda; she'd already gone back to live with her mother years before, and my sister were asleep in the next room.

I was totally confused. He told me to dress warm, and to bring my blanket.

What?
He left the room for me to get dressed.

I was in the third grade, and it was so strange. Daddy was always up to something strange. He and I shared many many secrets ...all of them made me laugh. So ... I wiped the sleep from my eyes and put my clothes on.

I took my blanket and went into the kitchen. I had my favorite slippers on instead of my shoes. Daddy was waiting at the table. He shined a flashlight in my face and then his, and said in a really weird voice "are we ready freddy?"

I had no idea ..but hey!

So, I followed him outside and there was a ladder leading up to the roof ... huh?

He took my blanket and shined the flashlight on the ladder.
"Climb up!"
"REALLY?!"
We'd been up there the week before doing some repairs. So, I was familiar with how to climb up safely ...but at night?

He shined the light on his face and gave me a cartoon grin.

So, up the ladder I went. He stood close enough to me so that I knew I was safe.

I got up there and saw, on the flat of the roof ... a blanket, a camping lantern, a picnic basket and a couple of pillows.

I looked down at my Daddy ...and he smiled. I stood aside to let him come up. I started to walk to the blanket and Daddy said
"Don't move till I get up there, I know you feel safe, but without light, you might not be, you need me near you!"

So, he gets there, and we walk to the blanket. His pillow and blanket were already up there, and a pillow for me.

In the basket ...a thermos of hot chocolate, and a bowl of popcorn. How did he pop that without waking anyone up! Smell or noise? Suddenly, I realized I could smell it in the house, I just had been so confused by his midnight games, I hadn't paid attention.
"Daddy, what are we doing?"
"Watch! About 3 minutes later a shooting star ... and within seconds ...another ...and before I knew it ... I was watching my first meteor shower!!!




We ate the popcorn and drank the hot chocolate and when the bowl was empty and the ooohs and ahhhs and "look Daddy's!" were getting to be redundant ... we laid there and watched ... and watched ... and all too soon ...the stars fell with less frequency.



Then we went about 5 minutes in total silence between us ... and not a single star fell ....just the sounds of the night in the mountains ... and the song of love between a father and daughter ...

"Darling, it's over"

"I know"
"Darling, I love you"
"I know Daddy, I love you."

Sara Groves - Less Like Scars

It's another blog post, and another song.

Less Like Scars by Sara Groves...

It's another song that is one that I turn to when I just can't seem to see my way through ... a reminder ...that things will be ok ... that God is growing me. Sometimes, the scars feel like they've been opened, fresh wounds ... but ...they will heal, and they will become character.

This last year ... has been a roller coaster ...from the building of our house, release of my book, resigning of my pastor, the death of 2 friends children, a couple of other deaths, not being able to handle being the center of attention from the house and the book, my husband almost dying, and then, my husband recovering and coming home ...and walking on his own again ..and oxygen not being a 24 hour requirement ... my son's learning disabilities going from severe, to ... they kind of interfere with his school performance. The changing of therapists ... and the therapist being able to really see the real me, get past the masks ..very easily. The leaving of my psychiatrist who I adored ...no other word for it ... I adored him, like I do my big brother. To the emergency medical leave of my therapist (in the same week I found out I couldn't follow my psychiatrist to his new clinic, he wasn't any happier than I) and leaving the worship ministry for a new adventure in Children's ministry ... and then today ... our church ratified a new pastor ...96% ratification ...

It's been a hard year ...but I'm climbing out of the rubble ... and one day ...

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like
Character

Sunny Days by Jars of Clay

I have just recently gotten DSL to replace my dial up. Since I've frequently shared songs and what they mean to me, having the ability to actually POST the songs ... is a really exciting adventure for me. I hope, I don't wear you out with it.

Please, Bear with me.

This song ... Sunny Days ... is one that I'd heard for several years ... as I was praying over my family ...and my marriage that was failing miserably ... would things ever ever be ok?

I hadn't heard it for a while ... and the other day, I was driving down the road. Frustrated that I am where I am at in therapy. Am I EVER going to get to where I need to be. Will there ever be a time where my heart doesn't break ... will there ever be a time where I can be vunerable, show the real me, and trust the therapist to keep me together while God does the healing?

Can I bear the pain that I'm going through. I want to turn and run ... it's too much, too much pain ...it's taking too long ...

and then, I hear this song ... and I'm reminded of the years of marriage ... 18 years of praying ... 18 years of praying for my family ... 18 years for the success of my marriage ...for the heart of my husband ... and ... 18 years of never being sure if it would be ok. Just only having God to cling to ...

Then ... one sunny day ... the clouds rolled away ... my husband decided Jesus was first ... and our lives took that miraculous rollercoaster of life ...only this time ... it's been a FUN ride, enjoyment, screams of delight and laughter fill our house ... Peace reigns the Eaglers ... we will ... enjoy ... soon and enjoy ... it took 18 years ...but we're here .... and we're safe ... and it's a Sunny Day for my family!

So ...what does that translate to other areas of my life? If he did it, for my marriage, for my family ...would he not do the ssame for my heart? Regardless of whether I can see the pattern or not ... to trust, to pray ..to cling to the Father ... to look to God ... to trust that Sunny day is coming ...

Winter ... the frozen wasteland of memories unwanted, locked away in a cold pocket in the heart ... unwilling to be thawed ...but working it's way out anyway ... and it mets ... ice turns to water ... water flows through everything. The thing, that I thought so hard to keep away. That I fought so hard to never acknowlege it again ... is back ... only, it's melted and it's flown through everything ...and is in need of attention ....

You can loose your mind through this process ...even the song writers admit to it!! But ... it is then that it will be your heart that you find.

I need to take the same love, the same determination that I applied to my family, the same strenght of love and tenacity to pray for my marriage and faimly ... and apply that to myself. To apply it to recovery ... to eating ... to not restiricting ... to healing. To being ... the real me.

Jars Of Clay - Sunny Days Lyrics

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Held by Natalie Grant

This, is the song that I posted a while back. Held, by Natalie Grant.
This year, I've had 2 good friends who've lost their children. One, 2 years 4 months, the other, 6 years old.

The reality of my friends loosing their children, it caused me to see that I'd shoved the grief of loosing my own child to the background. When Kyliebug died in April, I ALMOST dealt with it ... then Don got sick.

Then, a few weeks ago, little Joseph ... started kindergarten on Monday, and died in his sleep on Wednesday. Joseph, had fought a battle his whole life. I've known his mamma for longer than I can count ... and we both have talked and talked and talked about what it's like raising special needs kids.

In fact, that's how we 'met' .. she'd started a email group for parents of special needs kids. Joseph, wasn't even on the radar yet. I'll never forget the day she told me she was pregnant with him. My prayers for them, started that day ...and will continue for the rest of my life.

The question of why this happens, is unknown. I've discussed it in detail. My heart breaks for Teresa, Kylie's mom and my heart breaks for Erin, Joseph's mom.

When Kylie passed away ...my youngests son's first reaction was "Jessica (my lost baby) will be there to show her around."

When I asked Teresa to pray for Erin ...she said she would talk to Kylie to show Joseph around.

It dawned on me that night, that ..it meant the three of them were together. Maybe, just maybe, with Teresa's grandmother, and my step dad and Erin's parents all watching nearby talking about how proud they are of thier children and grandchildren.

So, I post this video, for Kylie, for Joseph, for Jessica ... as well as for us mom's ... this is, what it means to be held ..and one day, we will hold our babies.


Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.


Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.


This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words.

"I'm sorry I bumped into you"
"I'm sorry I forgot to get cash for you"
"I'm sorry I didn't do my homework"
"I'm sorry you went through that ..."

I never thought ..that 2 words could be so ... what is the word I'm looking for? Impactful, profound, annoying, and intruding? RAW?

In the last 4 months ... evidently, I've shown ..to several people, not just my treatment team ... a bit more of who I am. Deep down inside. I've also talked things over with my therapist, especially when Don was in the hospital ...

and over and over again ... I hear the words "I'm sorry"

My therapist, has made it a point to make sure that I hear her say "I'm sorry this happened"

I have decided that 2 phrases I would just as soon my friends not say to me when I'm struggling "I'm sorry" and "I love you"

I am not sure why ...most people, love to hear those things. Most people, need to hear those things.

But for me ... it makes me wish I'd not shared whatever I'd just shared.
I don't know if it makes the situation feel more real ...or if it makes me feel like I've gained sympathy I don't deserve .. I don't know ... I haven't figured it out.

I only know .. I don't like to hear words that people say every day ... and I'm not at all sure that those words should bother me.

new ventures

When I was a little girl, my favorite part of church, was the praise and worship. From the time I was a toddler ... I loved to sing hymns .. and praise chorus' ...

I was in the third grade when my pastor's wife told me after church one Sunday, that, as long as I was around ...the rocks would never get their chance to cry out.

In the 6th grade, I sang for the first time in front of a group. On a Friday night, at a Christian coffee shop ... a common thing in California in the 70's ...groups of Christian's ...gathering together to sing ... the beginnings of what we call today "small groups"

In the 7th grade, I joined the choir.

In 8th grade, moved from California, to Colorado, again, joining the church choir.

In the 10th grade, my church, being a rather progressive church of it's day, had a worship band. We were the only church in town to use instrumentals! I played my clarinet as well as sang in the choir.

Then, in the 11th grade, moved from Colorado, to Oklahoma. There was a singing group in the church we attended. 15 to 24 year olds. We'd sing every other Sunday for special music, and travel during the summer ... and to surrounding churches. If you've ever seen Celebrant singers or Continental Singers ... you'd know the group idea. We were called "Proclamation". The group, over the 2 years we existed had 20 singers at a time, but over 80 of us were members.
I graduated from high school while a member of Proclamation.

When I left Proclamation, I moved back to Colorado, and was in a professional Christian drama ministry (my paid job). I went back to my former church as an interpreter for the deaf, and praise and worship team member.

I came back, to Tulsa …and went to a lay ministry Bible school, while being in the choir and leading worship for the singles ministry.

I got married, and soon divorced (my ex husband left me after 4 months, deciding that God, nor marriage was for him) and went back to leading worship for the singles ministry.

I was ordained in ministry, AS a worship minister. (the ordination was specific to the church itself, not a denomination or national recognition)

I then, met Don, married him ..and life got crazy for a while ..and I was not in music ministry ... I had Samuel ..and got very very sick. No one knew what was wrong ... I had trouble breathing, swallowing, double vision and by the time I got diagnosed, I couldn’t dress myself or chew food.
I finally got diagnosed, and treated, but ...the disease, Myasthenia Gravis ...took away my ability to sing. So ... I stepped out of ministry all together. I had nothing to offer God. I had been trained in music ministry. My heart, from early childhood, had been in music ministry before I even knew what music ministry was ... and now, I had no voice with which to praise Him.

10 years ago, God lead me to Southpark Community Church (yes, that IS the name of it, no, it is not a spammed name!) Within the first few weeks there, I heard a song for the first time ... and my heart broke right there, as I placed on HIS alter, what I considered ministry to be.


When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

I realized, that God wasn't asking me for a perfect voice, that He had simply called me to worship him, in whatever manner He called me to worship him. For a while, I just did a few volunteer things around the church, helping out here and there. Was in a prayer ministry and the benevolence ministry.

Then, after I'd been there for a year, the worship pastor/pastor's wife, Carla, asked me to join the choir. I thought that odd, since she'd never heard me sing. I said something to the pastor, and he said "no, but she's seen your heart worship".

So, I took my weak voice, and joined the choir. It was, the hardest year of ministry I'd had. My head struggled with the music my voice couldn't sing, that I could read, but could not make the sounds. I don't think anyone quite realized how hard it was ... then …the decision came down … they were disbanding the choir. One problem solved ...new problem caused. My heart ...was still with worship ministry!

My mother was the newsletter writer ... and she was using my computer, and was putting in an ad for a secretary for the worship leader. She asked me if I wanted to do it? I had been the secretary for Proclamation …so ...sure, why not!! It would keep me in worship ministry!! (as well, as get me off the singing!)

So, mom called Carla … and ... I began my behind the scenes job of pulling the music for our singers and musicians ... that was 8 years ago.

I have loved my job. I have treasured my job ... I have honored my job. It has been a position that I respect. It is something that I take seriously as I pray over the congregation, the musicians and singers each week. It has been the highlight of my week ...

Carla left in December. Part of me was worried that they were not going to ask me to stay. I was told that was absurd, I was necessary! Whew!

Then Don got sick and I took a leave of absence ... and ... God started to deal with me.

When the music fades ...all is stripped away ...

God is asking more than a song ... for a song in itself is not what he has required ...

It's not mine any more ...

He's calling me out ...

But it's music ministry! That's my heart! That's MY place!

Longing just to be something that's of worth ... that will bless your heart.

I have to do it ...no one else knows the job ...
I'll bring you more than a song ...for a song in itself ...is not what you have required ...

As I took my leave, they had to find a way to do my job without me. They learned how to do what I've done for 8 years ...

You search much deeper within ...to the way things appear, you're looking into my heart ...

There are kids in the church who need me, the worship team doesn't. It's not my place anymore.

You're looking into my heart ...

BUT GOD!!! IT'S WORSHIP! MY HEART IS IN WORSHIP MINISTRY! THESE ARE MY FRIENDS! THIS IS MY SMALL GROUP! THIS IS MY SUPPORT SYSTEM! GOD >>> THIS IS MY HEART!

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Oh God, please, tell me you're not calling me out of the music ministry!

So, two weeks ago, I'm driving down the road, and I'm praying ... God, are you serious? And my cell phone rings ... it's the Children's Pastor: "Peggikaye? I just wanted to invite you to the parents meeting tomorrow night. I know you haven't been real involved this year, but, I think there are things coming up you'll be interested in"

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

And so, I tell her what's been on my heart ... she agrees to pray with me.

It's a hard decision. I love these people. I've served with them; I've served them ...for 8 years. I love this ministry ...

Tonight ... I didn't get to the list before I got there ...they had the music pulled before I could get to it (see, told you they'd learned to do things without me!)

One of the songs

I'm coming back to the heart of worship ... and it's all about you ... all about you Jesus ...

and I realize ... I don't belong here anymore. This isn't my place.

I love these people ...but it isn't my place.

I told my friend Ronda after church. My prayer partner, my accountability partner, my partner in crime ... my mentor ...my big sister ...and she smiled and said "so, has God called you to another ministry?"

And I said "What? No check in your spirit?"
"no, not going to argue with God"

Saturday, I gave my resignation to our worship leader. She did not seem surprised. Fully supportive; she assured me that the worship team would be fine and they were still my family.

Today, I met with the children’s pastor. My official role begins on Wednesday. I will begin by assisting with a musical for Christmas. Then, in January, I will begin my role as Special Events Coordinator. If you’ve read my blog for a couple of years, you’ll know how much I’ve enjoyed planning Kids Night Out, Mother/Daughter Sleep overs, Father’s Day breakfasts.

As we talked, I told her some ideas “off the top of my head” and I she and I realized … it wasn’t off the top of my head … it was in my heart. I’d actually been thinking, and planning. I have some solid ideas and plans already for next year (CLEAR INTO SEPTEMBER!!!) I have a clear vision of what I want to do and why I am there. I feel the passion I’ve had for worship ministry building in my heart for children’s ministry.

Tonight … this feels like a good thing.

What Bible Character Are You

Which Bible Character are you?

You're probably named Mary. Or John, if you're a guy. In any case, no one really remembers you.
Take this quiz!








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can of worms ...

Well ... my psychiatrist, whom I've lovingly referred to as "Dr. Bobblehead" is leaving. He's taken another job. He thought he might be able to take a few patients with him, but, it doesn't look like, at least in my case, like it's going to work out. So ... I have to find someone new. Monday, will most likely be my last appointment with him.

Last week, I got a phone call ... my new therapist, psychologist, that has been so good. Dr.B, (her name really does start with B) has had to take a sudden medical leave of absence. 4 to 6 weeks. I know more than I should ..first of all ...when I first met her, she told me a little about herself ...she has rheumatoid arthritis, lupus ..and we talked about the commmonality of our medications. One of them, carries a cancer risk.

It hasn't been but a few weeks since we talked about our medications and the risk of cancer they carry. She asked me if I got cancer would my medication have to stop immediately. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure I'd agree to stop it even if I DID get cancer. (I was going through a breast cancer scare, that turned out ok).

She mentioned that if she got cancer on her particular, it would be an immediate removal of the medication. The medication is referred to as a Disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs a DMARDs. DMARDs is a category of drugs used in many autoimmune disorders to slow down disease progression.

The risk of going off of them, is ... well, the progression of the disease.

So ... while Dr. Bobblehead is telling me "don't worry, she'll be back. They'll do the surgery, and she'll start the treatment, and then she'll come back and practice during treatments like a lot of people with cancer."

Yeah huh ... and a lot of people don't have the body she has ...with active RA ... and going off the one drug that's controlling it. Sorry, I simply know too much.

I, more than anyone, understand what's going on, and the need for her to take off (maybe not come back). So, it's not that.

I am wishing that I'd not met her. I'm wishing I'd not trusted her ...but ... something about her ... I had an immediate bond with her. It's not her fault at all.

So, 3 weeks ago, I decide to be open and honest with her, and Dr. Mitchell, since I thought I was going with him .. about something I'd not dealt with. I didn't know it would really be that big of an issue ... I just thought it was about time to open up a bit more. I finally had a therapist I knew was going to be able to work me through the process.

So, they start to ask me questions about the issue ...and one question, they asked ... hit a nerve. I don't think Dr. Bobblehead knew what he was asking. I froze.

So, then last Tuesday, Dr. B and I start to deal with the fall out ...and Friday, she has to take the emergency leave ...and now ... I find out ... that I'm most likely not going with Dr. Bobblehead.

I emailed him last week and said ... I think, one of my fears about dealing with my issues ... is that I'd be dealing with them alone. Like I always have ... and the odd thing is ... I am.

(yes, I'm very aware that I have friends, and blog friends ..and there are people who care. But, it's not the same as my professional team ... and nothing, can make it the same.)

One word. No explanations.
1. Yourself: growing
2. Your spouse: MINE
3. Your hair: thin
4. Your mother: sigh
5. Your father: no comment
6. Your favorite item: elephant collection
7. Your dream last night: nightmare
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: Bug
10. The room you are in: kitchen
11. Your ex: forgiven
12. Your fear: won't say
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Christlike
14. Who you hung out with last night: family
15. What you're not: brave
16. Muffins: none
17: One of your wish list items: Books!
18: Time: Private
19. The last thing you did: searched
20. What you are wearing: pajamas
21. Your favorite weather: cool
22. Your favorite book: Little Women
23. The last thing you ate: Chocolate Milk
24. Your life: Interesting
25. Your mood: anxious
26. Your best friend: BRAVE
27. What you're thinking about right now: Friendship
28. Your car: Contour
29. What you are doing at the moment: fidgiting
30. Your summer: busy
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED
32. What is on your TV: PBS
33. What is the weather like: HOT
34. When was the last time you laughed: 2 weeks ago

Hat tip to Biscotti's Brain ..this one, was just too interesting to pass up. I didn't do a good job of sticking to the one word ..but ... I've never followed directions well ;)

Introducing!

It is common in the blog world, when you know someone who is starting a new blog, or, you come across a new blog that you like to introduce that blogger to your blog friends. I've had the pleasure of introducing a few blogs in my time.

This time, it is a particular pleasure to introduce this blogger, because, not only do I KNOW this blogger, but I am related to this blogger. By choice, not by blood. *grin*

This blogger, is, my sister law, Pam. Healing Herbals Inner Sage

Her heading reads :
Healing Herbals Inner Sage
The workings of an herbalist, including the growing, foraging and making of products. I believe in and strive to live by the teachings of our Grandmothers, both those of my Native American and European ancestry. Many call these the Wise Women, Elder or Crone ways. After talking with the Creator, each of us should tune in to our inner voice, my listening brought me to this path. So listen, as I share my Inner Sage www.healingherbals.org

And her profile reads
I am a 40 something woman who loves herbs, writing, making products and hearing how they work, reading, and learning Everything I do, I have to keep in mind, that I really do have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and disc deteriation, as much as I would like to forget those things. This is the first year my 13 yr old will be attending public school, so all my reservations and excitement may come out in words!! I believe in gardening, composting, buying and eating locally, sustainability, & urban homesteading. I love nature (except biting things !) the moon, running water, the wind and all things living. I try to live the way I want to be treated.

She does not have a picture up yet, BUT ... I have pictures :)


This, is Pam with her VAST array of products. I have a personal ad to the side that I placed. Not at Pam's request, but at my own behest, because I so firmly believe in her products. They are great! Many of them were developed when I called Pam and said "HELP! I have this need!"
The acne was developed for my son Samuel ...but alas, we cannot tell you how he likes it, because ... the kid won't use it. He won't use a two step process, so he has yet to find anything 'that works' ... yes, Pam, you may strangle said nephew now. However, younger nephew of hers, SWEARS by her acne product, and rarely has more than 3 pimples ... and he uses it faithfully. Samuel's acne is bad enough to go to a dermatologist. (however, I REFUSE to take him to a dermatologist until he's tried to do over the counter or Aunt Pam's stuff faithfully!It's not TRULY bad enough to go if he's not TRIED to take care of it.) So, you be the judge ... 3 pimples with treatment ... acne without it ...hmmmmmmmmm

ok, this was supposed to be an introduction to her blog, not an advertisement for her products .. i could go on and on and on about her pain salve, her healing salve (I describe it to friends as a cross between ... neosporin and hydrocortosone cream ...if you'd use one of those ... you can use this!)

Back to the pictures ... this WONDERFUL Portrait! was taken by my nephew of Pam and her brother, my husband, at either our house dedication or the house warming party last November. He changed the background to it, to give it a portrait type background.



I don't have any pictures of Pam and I ..however, I'm sure at our renewal ceremony in December, I will get one. This time, Pam will be at our wedding ...unlike last time ... no one was at our wedding ... Pam was on our honeymoon (it was at her house) but she can't come on this honeymoon!

So, please, go visit Pam's new blog, and give her a warm welcome. And then, go visit her website for her products and if you're interested (you should be!) BUY some! You will not be let down.

Personality Plus (or in hiding as the case may be ....)

Hat tip to my friend Jeff for this gem .... telling me what I already knew ...

The test says I'm an introvert! How dare they call this homebody an introvert! hmmph!

Important information!

http://illnessministry.ning.com/video/video/show?id=847406%3AVideo%3A5

Double Crush

Don had an EMG last week. The news was crushing to say the least. They wanted to find out the cause of his pain and numbness since he'd been in the hospital ... and they wanted to find out if maybe there was some carpel or ulner(?) tunnel nerve going on. Maybe some neuralgia.

What they found out was that it was polyneuralgia ...and that the damage was double crushed ... at the neck, the elbow, and the wrist (depending on the nerve).

The nerves are permanently damaged, and decompressing them, will not make a difference. They will not get better.

The doctor, today, was quite discouraged. He said that it frustrated him, because, if it was his brother, he'd be scared, because his scoliosis is 'messed up, really messed up, nightmare messed up'.

This is really the first doctor to talk to us in REAL terms.

We are going to check out a Dr. Lenke in St. Louis. The orthopedic surgeon suggested that we get copies of all his xrays, his MRI's, EMG's all his reports, lung function tests and write him a letter ... and just say "can you help?" So far, Dr. Lenke is the only surgeon we've found that will even approach the type of scoliosis that Don has. (if anyone knows anything about him ... please please please post or email me!!!!!!!!!!!! good or bad ..or indifferent, even if it's just to say, yeah, I've heard of him!)

As for me, I'm exhausted. I've been going to my therapist week after week .. and she looks at me and sighs ... I will have to tell her next week though that ... really, aside from the Don issues ... the other medical stuff we've faced this year ...really aren't that unusual. I'm always tired. I'm always hurting. Nothing new here. I just was getting more rest because Don was doing more ... and helping a lot. So, I'm really not any sicker.

I think my life overwhelms her at times. She's going to have to get over that. I need her help to get beyond my issues ... and to do that, she's going to have to get beyond my current every day crisis' that seem to happen every day. Those have been on going for 18 years ...they seem like a big deal to her ...but for me, they are par for the coarse ... I realize that concerns her ... and that she lives with chronic illness herself ...and that she had a mother with chronic illness ...but ... for me, it's just her times 3 ... so ... big deal ... it's my life, my cards I've been dealt. I need to deal with what's caused the eating disorder ... the day to day junk ..is always going to be there. If she tries to deal with that first ...we'll never get to what's underneath.

The boys started school already last year. My oldest is a Senior, and my baby is a Freshman!!! Geesh ... time flies. It just wasn't that long ago that I took my son to kindergarten at Little Light House and watched him toddle into class with his back pack ... with his big eyes ...and those glasses ... and that huge smile ... and now ... he's in high school! Where, did the time go?

Psalm 23 and the summer of 2007

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.


1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

The Lord, has guided me this summer. When I needed support while Don was in the hospital, I was not alone. Our finances ... instead of being challenged, were just fine. (we even came out ahead!)

I knew, that I had many people to call if I needed to ... that would come to me 24/7 for the entire 45 days. The issue wasn't, would I have someone, but rather ...who should I call? I made many calls during that time period ... and I still didn't call everyone I could have called.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

There have been times that my mother has been in the hospital, or that I have been ... and the care has been; shall we say - - less than adequate. It felt unsafe to leave my mom in the hospital alone.

This time, with Don, not one time did I feel like I was not leaving my husband in good hands. I could go home to rest, and sleep every night.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

More than once, I felt like I could not go on for even 5 more minutes. All it took was a prayer, and I had a sudden realization, that God was with me... regardless of how bad it got ... no matter scary it got ... with just a "Lord, I'm tired" I would instantly know, HE was my strength.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

This, was the theme for the summer. I have never been so aware of how true this Psalm was actually until I actually spent a few days, wondering "would my husband make it?" "Will I be a widow?" "How can he leave me now?"

And yet, with all the sadness, and concern ... there was an overwhelming sense of peace. A Peace that cannot be explained.

Don and I have always had slightly differing opinions on what to do for 'living will' situations. I've never really known if I could go through with his wishes. Yet, we'd talked about it so much ... I knew exactly what to do, and when ... what to agree to, what to question ... and when we had the discussion with the doctor of "IF this doesn't work, what measures need to be taken?"
I was able to talk to them, calmly, and with assurance that I knew what my husband wanted ...and that I would be able to follow through, with God at my side.



5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

There were a few situations that I had to stand and advocate for my husband. They, were not enemies, by any stretch of the imagination. (well, wait, when he got home I guess we got into that scenerio since we've had to fire TWO home health agencies!) I was able to do so, with assurance that I knew what I was talking about. I knew that God gave me enough assertiveness to get through the situation. More than once, my husband became confused, questioning what was going on, frustrated and angry ..and I was able to keep the peace so that they did not become enemies.

This, is not, in my personality. This, was through the prayer, and the guidance of my Shephard that I was able to do so.



6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

We dedicated our house to God when we got it. It was such a wonderful thing to bring my husband home! To see him now walking on his own, using the walker at times, and not at others ... the oxygen not being constantly on (which is ok)and seeing his strength return bit by bit, day by day ... it is good to dwell in this house with my husband ... and to call our house, the house of the Lord.

Antiquities

So, Yesterday, I took my youngest son, my BABY up to the high school (sort of, 9th and 10th grade only in the school) to pick up his schedule.

Today, I took my oldest son, who is still my BABY, to the other high school (11th and 12th grade only) to pick up his schedule.

My youngest is a freshman, my oldest a senior. I, am now the mother of 2 high school students! *shock*

I then, wanted to get an appraisal on my kitchen table. I have a very unique kitchen table. Solid Maple, and my parents bought it at an antique store when I was a year old. It's not a normal table at all, round (not oval) and it is SOLID maple. Heavy and beautiful.

So, I stopped at an Antique store, it was obvious that she didn't have furniture, but I thought she might know who could do appraisals (the answer was a *no* ...what????)

My son, just found a new hobby in life. Antiquing! He loved the history ..and he found a lot of little things that he loved. One, he collects hats, and he found an old, spanish, wool bull fighters cap! He can afford it after he gets his allowance.

The other, is, he likes to collect military stuff. Doesn't matter what branch, and it can be a pin, a pen, a bracelet, arm band ...doesn't matter ... he loves it. Well, he is also a HUGE M*A*S*H fan. We walked into the second store, and they had an old Army Jacket, obviously real, with the name "Pearce" on it (obviously, it's Pierce in MASH, but hey! Close enough for government work!)

Turned out, that for pants and jacket, they only wanted $5!!!!!! The guy was discharged in 1964 and passed away right after coming home from Viet Nam. The owner of his belongings does not want them ...at all ..and is just selling them! WOW.
So, he has them hung on hangers and hung on the wall right now till we figure out a way to display them.

The hardest part (as well as a fun part) was seeing my entire childhood in the antique stores! "We had these plates!"
"We had these glasses!"
"We had this mixing bowl!" (we HAVE THAT MIXING BOWL AND YOU WANT $35 bucks for it? I'm USING MINE ???? um ...er .. uh ... maybe not anymore!!!)
"We had this ..."

I think I said that about 100 times. I could have restocked my childhood kitchen from those 2 stores! What is my childhood doing in an ANTIQUE STORE???

I did see a few things I will go back and get. They held a lot of meaning to me as a child ...and ...well, to have something just like them ... will be very special!

Blogger Buddy!

I have a dear blogger friend. Cathy, she is quite the determined woman.

Last year, she participated in an exhausting feat of blogging for 24 hours ... 48 posts in 24 hours ... this year, even after living through the physical exhaustion (Cathy is not the healthiest person on the planet) she is doing it again.

This time, she's blogging for St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

While my friend's baby never went to St. Jude's ... it WAS considered. They were the ones who gave the final diagnosis of ATRT tumor ... and the reason she didn't go was because the doctor's here in Oklahoma City had been St. Jude trained doctor's. She would have gotten the same care at St Judes that she got here. The only difference being, she'd have been away from family and friends.

I can't look at the pictures of St. Judes, because they hurt so dearly. My friend's baby ... St. Jude's is working ... on finding a cure for the ATRT brain cancer ..but they've yet to do so.

Please ... help Cathy's Place, in finding her place in helping to prevent the future Teresa's and Kylie's.

Story Time

November 19, 1987, Don and I applied for a marriage licence.

Don, thought it would be neat to get married on our birthday, since we share a birthday. (November 21). I, however, did NOT want to get married on our birthday, and did not want to get married in November, since my first wedding had taken place in November, I thought that would be ... uncouth.

So, he almost had me talked into it, so we got the license. We were still looking for wedding chapels, and talking to the pastor of the church where Don was attending. We, had assumed, falsely, (and found out AFTER we got the license ...) that in Tulsa Town, there is (or at least was) no such thing as Justice of the Peace ..which was going to be our last resort.

I talked him into waiting till December. But our license was only good for 2 weeks AFTER we got it, so we'd have to get married on the first, second or third. We'd talked to his pastor, who agreed to do it. We had our best man and matron of honor lined up.

Then, on Monday, November 30th, we got a call, the pastor was backing out. We got 2 stories, we never figured out which was the real story ...it really doesn't matter ..one was that he was going out of town on an emergency. The other was this "besides, so and so is complaining that Peggikaye's been married before" (it was a woman whom I'd gone to church with before when I was married before. She also knew the whole story of me being left after 4 months, and it should have been annulled, not divorce! Granted, she didn't know WHY I was left, but she was aware that legally, we qualified for an annulment) So, they were this high donation to the church, high powered couple. We were this low income ... nothing ..and we think he just gave into pressure. That, is neither here, nor there other than, that is how we came to get to being married where we did.

So, Monday night, we've got just till Thursday to find where we can get married. We start to call ..chapels were WAY out of our budget ... we finally found one.
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Most people don't realize they can do weddings. I never knew that they did. Never have heard of anyone else getting married there either.

The Salvation Army Chapel.

So, we're supposed to meet our Best Man and Matron of Honor at 2pm on December 2nd at the Salvation Army in down town Tulsa.

Every girls dream.

When we left, we called our friends, and they were on their way. So, we get there, and the chaplain tells us that our matron of honor needs us to call. We were very confused ...but we called.

The best man had fallen on the ice on the way out to the car, and slipped a disc in his back. (he wound up being laid up for over 2 months!)

We, had no guests coming, there were no alternatives for witnesses. Now what? We had one day till the license expired.

The chaplain said that there were always 3 people on site at all times, they could be the witnesses, but first, he wanted to do some 'pre marital counseling'.

OK.

So, after about 45 minutes, he calls in the witnesses.

One guy was HUGELY obese ... could barely walk. He was homeless, but volunteered at the center and used their shelters.
The other guy, extremely thin, and was missing his right arm. A war vet, homeless, who also lived at the shelter and volunteered at the shelter.

These, were our witnesses. They stood beside us. They stood straight, and they smiled through the whole ceremony. You'd have thought, that we'd been life long friends. They knew, they were being asked to do something that was normally an honor bestowed on people close to someone's heart. They took their job of being witnesses to our marriage quite seriously!

We finished the ceremony, they signed their names ..we signed ...the minister signed ..and we all gave each other handshakes and hugs ...and Don and I walked out the door. Mr. & Mrs. Donald Eagler.



Married in a Salvation Army Chapel.

Don said "Wow! It's for real!"
I said "Who was my maid of honor?"

Twenty years later ... we're still married. I keep thinking of the show Bridezilla (although, not having cable, I've never seen an episode) and thinking how much emphasis they put ... and how little we had ..and yet ... the ceremony worked ... just as well (maybe better?)

So, on December 2, 2007 ... we're going to renew our vows. With all we've been through, the better and the worse ... the house, the sick kids, the health issues and the struggles in our marriage, we can't think of anything better to do.

This time ..we'll have a wedding. A little closer to the one that this girl ... and this girl dreamed about ...

Bravery and Elephants

"It was the hardest week of my life. It was the best week of my life!"

Those were the first words out of the mouth of my 17 year old when I picked him up from the church today after he'd spent a week as a CIT (counselor in training)at church kids camp.

When we got into the car, he said "There is nothing more incredible in the world, than 150 kids singing praises to God"

Those are words ..that this mother was very proud to hear.

I'd spoken with the counselor he'd worked with. I'd asked Doug how he'd done, and his first words were not what a mom wants to hear "he's great! He's fantastic! What a kid you've got there!"

But rather "It was a growing experience!"

uh oh!

Then, he pulled me aside and told me the story, which, will remain between myself and Doug. Suffice it to say, while it was the best week in my sons life, it was, a hard week ...and he grew by leaps and bounds!

My son, has some deep fears ... they are a result of living with OCD. One of the worst ... heights. Last year, proudly watched him temporarily conquer them in order to participate in building the house as he worked on the roof. White as a ghost, and often sick to his stomach. Many times shaking. He got up there with his friends and the other workers. He did it. As afraid as he was ...because he wanted to build his house.

Well, his counselor took him out to a rope climbing course, not knowing his fears ...and not knowing he had OCD talked Samuel into climbing the ropes. Samuel, had a melt down ...and ... then Samuel swung from the ropes to get down!!!!

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes wondering how many times I've chosen to climb down the post rather than swing through the air. I'm proud of him. Very.

He really really enjoyed camp. As hard as it was ... he really enjoyed it. Watching kids make a decision for Christ, watching kids choose to work hard to win the 'golden plunger' to get the cleanest room. Watching kids mature ... and watching some maturity in himself.


Then tonight ... my husband and I, wanted to say thank you to some friends who'd been so helpful and supportive of us during our stay in the hospital. (um, er ..HIS stay in the hospital rather). So, we invited them to eat with us at the Elephant Bar Restaurant.

Now, after I got over my confusion ... in town, there is an Elephant Run ... I never knew that Elephant Run was a bar ... I always thought it was a restaurant.

So, when my friend sent out the email invites for us ... I freaked ...she sent out the invites to Elephant BAR ... OH NO!!! ELEPHANT RUN!!!!!!!

So she comes back and says "YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BAR?" (kids were invited, church small group event as well as thank you event!)

NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So ...then I find out that Elephant BAR is the restaurant ..and Elephant Run is the bar ... go figure. I'm still confused.

Ok, so we go tonight ...and there were 20 or so people who showed up. It was absoluetly incredible ... lots of fun ...and loud! We didn't get to speak with everyone, but everyone had a wonderful time. It was nice to have everyone together ...and it was a great time. It was nice to look down the table and see "these people all came ...and helped us, repeatidly!!" How wonderful to know we are truly loved ..and we truly love.

It was also good to see them out of the hospital. *smile*

Tagged

I have been tagged by two friends ... YMX buddies as well as 'invisible friends' *grin* So, I get to kill 2 birds with one stone *BIG GRIN*
So, for Patti and Deneice ...here goes :

Rules to play:

1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.


1. I played volleyball and softball and track and field in high school.

2. I played the clarinet ... but I was awful. My nickname in band ... was Jerry. As in the mouse ... from Tom and Jerry. (SQUEAK!!!!!!!!)

3. I can't stand the color purple!!!!!!!

4. I have discovered that I think I like cats more than dogs. My 5 year old neice was here the other day and she was trying to make my cats play with her. They, of coarse, would not be forced. She informed me that I needed to get a dog who would play no matter what. Dogs, were more fun, playful and less boring.

At that point, I realized that I actually liked the quietness of my cats.

5. I love to cook. I don't like to eat. At all.

6. I love to be alone!

7. I love old hymns and new praise and worship music.

8. I don't like to be the center of attention ... at all.

Tag 8 people ... hmmm I may have to think about that for a day or so and get back to it.

Brain Drain



When people hear the term "Brain Drain" they usually think of one of two terms ... they either think of economic terms ... Wikipedia's definition is as follows:

Brain drain can occur either when individuals who study abroad and complete their education do not return to their home country, or when individuals educated in their home country emigrate for higher wages or better opportunities. The second form is arguably worse, because it drains more resources from the home country.

This phenomenon is perhaps most problematic for developing nations, where it is widespread. In these countries, higher education and professional certification are often viewed as the surest path to escape from a troubled economy or difficult political situation.

Or ...they think of spending mind numbing hours doing nothing but playing video games or reading trashy romance novels or watching the 'boob tube' that does nothing to build the brain ..thus draining it of any viable intelligence ... no exercise ... intellectual or physical ...nothing gained ... nothing expended ... nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Brain Drain.

I've been thinking of the term Brain Drain lately in a different way ... I've been intentionally looking for ways that I can, in fact, practice 'brain drain'.

*blink*

What? Why? Who would do such a thing? Aren't we as American's working toward NOT being Brain Drains? Being productive ... etc etc ... yea ...but ...

I need rest ... however, when I rest ...and just rest ... I go nuts. Absolutely nuts.

So, then I thought of what I needed to do ...was ACTIVELY REST! (stop staring at me like that Moof and Cathy!!!!!)

Let me explain.

I need to let my body rest and my brain destress. But ...just 'resting' would often cause me more anxiety than the *resting* was doing me good. Now, I know many who read this will actually identify with that concept *cough* (see who I told to stop staring at me!!!)

I started to picture a drain in a sink ... it stops the stuff from going down the drain that you don't want to go down the drain, but allows the water to go down to the sewer. Suddenly I realized ... I needed activities that allow me to BRAIN DRAIN.

I need things that allow the stress, the useless information to be filtered from my brain, while hanging onto the information, and the important stuff ... and sometimes ... sitting up at the computer, or going for coffee with a friend, sitting and doing puzzles, reading a book .. and sometimes sleeping ... is in fact doing the Brain Drain activity ... it just depends on what is needed at the time.

Let the junk go down the drain, zone out .. relax ...and don't worry about the
'supposed to be's' (I'm supposed to be sleeping ... I'm supposed to be folding laundry ... I'm supposed to be writing ... I'm supposed to be laying down ... I'm supposed to be ... I'm supposed to be ...) talk with a friend, IM with a friend, read a blog, write a blog .. write a poem ... do what the brain says comes naturally ...

then, when I am relaxed, the stuff that's left in the drain, can be better sorted out rinsed off ... and put where it belongs.

I do hope this post made some sense .... or maybe it needs to go down the drain! ;)

We, are home at last.

They did not do the bed. Medicare and their rules *rolling eyes*. I guess it's still something being considered for future ...

He has his bi pap machine, walker, and oxygen.
There is the funky machine that will generate the oxygen for his bipap machine, give him oxygen in the house AND fill his portable oxgyen tanks.

He has a 4 wheel walker, with a seat and brakes. It's midnight blue, which, really, looks purple in the wrong light. It, is just wrong!

Tomorrow, home health will get here about 10 am. He will get home health 3 times a week and PT and OT 3 times a week for 2 weeks, then we'll see. He follows up with PCP, neuro and pulmo ... PCP in 1 week, neuro and pulmo in 2 weeks.

The boys decided to spend the night at their friends house. We have mixed feelings about that. It is nice to have a quiet evening at home, just the two of us, but part of us are going "your father just got home!!!"

oh well, such is the life of parents!

Home, Sweet Home!

42 days ... end in sight.

It's been 42 days since Don first went into the hospital. That's 6 weeks.

He was taken by ambulance to the ER, then admitted to the med/surg floor (7 tower) from there, he was moved to the ICU, from there, he was moved back to the med/surg floor, 7 tower again. Then he was moved to 9 tower when they closed 7 Tower down for remodeling. Then, he was moved to the Long Term Acute Care facility (L Tac) where he spent longer than I can remember ... and from there, to rehab.

We have a discharge date. Friday! July 6th. Our Independence Day!

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready ... will I be ready. Uh ... YES!!!!!!

Yea, I know caretaking at home will bring a whole new set of issues, but he will be here ... and I will wake up in the morning and see HIM, and I can walk into another room and see him .... and we will talk, and laugh and cry and argue at will ... and there will be no miles ... or phones ...

I can't wait to see him sitting on the couch ... with the kitty cats in his lap, just sitting there watching a show I have no interest in while he bugs me about spending time talking to my invisible friends on the internet ... and we smile, just because we're together ... our family, all in the same room. Changed forever by the last 6 weeks ... but still, together.