can of worms ...

Well ... my psychiatrist, whom I've lovingly referred to as "Dr. Bobblehead" is leaving. He's taken another job. He thought he might be able to take a few patients with him, but, it doesn't look like, at least in my case, like it's going to work out. So ... I have to find someone new. Monday, will most likely be my last appointment with him.

Last week, I got a phone call ... my new therapist, psychologist, that has been so good. Dr.B, (her name really does start with B) has had to take a sudden medical leave of absence. 4 to 6 weeks. I know more than I should ..first of all ...when I first met her, she told me a little about herself ...she has rheumatoid arthritis, lupus ..and we talked about the commmonality of our medications. One of them, carries a cancer risk.

It hasn't been but a few weeks since we talked about our medications and the risk of cancer they carry. She asked me if I got cancer would my medication have to stop immediately. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure I'd agree to stop it even if I DID get cancer. (I was going through a breast cancer scare, that turned out ok).

She mentioned that if she got cancer on her particular, it would be an immediate removal of the medication. The medication is referred to as a Disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs a DMARDs. DMARDs is a category of drugs used in many autoimmune disorders to slow down disease progression.

The risk of going off of them, is ... well, the progression of the disease.

So ... while Dr. Bobblehead is telling me "don't worry, she'll be back. They'll do the surgery, and she'll start the treatment, and then she'll come back and practice during treatments like a lot of people with cancer."

Yeah huh ... and a lot of people don't have the body she has ...with active RA ... and going off the one drug that's controlling it. Sorry, I simply know too much.

I, more than anyone, understand what's going on, and the need for her to take off (maybe not come back). So, it's not that.

I am wishing that I'd not met her. I'm wishing I'd not trusted her ...but ... something about her ... I had an immediate bond with her. It's not her fault at all.

So, 3 weeks ago, I decide to be open and honest with her, and Dr. Mitchell, since I thought I was going with him .. about something I'd not dealt with. I didn't know it would really be that big of an issue ... I just thought it was about time to open up a bit more. I finally had a therapist I knew was going to be able to work me through the process.

So, they start to ask me questions about the issue ...and one question, they asked ... hit a nerve. I don't think Dr. Bobblehead knew what he was asking. I froze.

So, then last Tuesday, Dr. B and I start to deal with the fall out ...and Friday, she has to take the emergency leave ...and now ... I find out ... that I'm most likely not going with Dr. Bobblehead.

I emailed him last week and said ... I think, one of my fears about dealing with my issues ... is that I'd be dealing with them alone. Like I always have ... and the odd thing is ... I am.

(yes, I'm very aware that I have friends, and blog friends ..and there are people who care. But, it's not the same as my professional team ... and nothing, can make it the same.)