Struggling to do something I love

Tonight, we started something at church. We don't have a regular choir. But, we started a spring Cantada to sing on the Sunday following the National Day of Prayer (the first Thursday in May, so this will be sung May 7th).
We had our first practice tonight. I had to work on singing. REALLY singing. It was hard. I've lost my ability to sing thanks to autoimmunity.

I work with the worship team every week. I sing with them when I feel like it, when my voice is working, when I know the music. I don't, when I don't. No biggie. No pressure ... it's not my job to sing, or to learn the music. My job is to help our worship pastor, the worship team gopher if you will.

But tonight,I sang. I struggled. I love to sing. I USED to sing. But I lost my voice. I just don't know if I can do this. I've never been good at hearing harmony, and now because of my voice struggles, I'm even lower than ever, so I'm singing with the men in the tenors. The range is no problem ... I COULD sing with the basses! But the harmony ... AND trying to keep my voice from cracking ... or just to keep singing with any kind of strength ..

So frustrating. I'm so much more comfortable jumping up and getting something when needed ... singing when I want, not when I don't ... Worship team is a service ... and fun. This was hard and frustrating. I so want to do this, and I will, because the words in the cantada are so very precious ... it is so powerful.

But the work for me is so hard!!! Who'd have thought that simply singing could become so very difficult? I only want to sing ... should it be that hard? I used to be able to ... sometimes what disease has taken from me, is overwhelming. Unfair. Because I still want to give that to God, and I no longer have it to give.