Sunny Days by Jars of Clay

I have just recently gotten DSL to replace my dial up. Since I've frequently shared songs and what they mean to me, having the ability to actually POST the songs ... is a really exciting adventure for me. I hope, I don't wear you out with it.

Please, Bear with me.

This song ... Sunny Days ... is one that I'd heard for several years ... as I was praying over my family ...and my marriage that was failing miserably ... would things ever ever be ok?

I hadn't heard it for a while ... and the other day, I was driving down the road. Frustrated that I am where I am at in therapy. Am I EVER going to get to where I need to be. Will there ever be a time where my heart doesn't break ... will there ever be a time where I can be vunerable, show the real me, and trust the therapist to keep me together while God does the healing?

Can I bear the pain that I'm going through. I want to turn and run ... it's too much, too much pain ...it's taking too long ...

and then, I hear this song ... and I'm reminded of the years of marriage ... 18 years of praying ... 18 years of praying for my family ... 18 years for the success of my marriage ...for the heart of my husband ... and ... 18 years of never being sure if it would be ok. Just only having God to cling to ...

Then ... one sunny day ... the clouds rolled away ... my husband decided Jesus was first ... and our lives took that miraculous rollercoaster of life ...only this time ... it's been a FUN ride, enjoyment, screams of delight and laughter fill our house ... Peace reigns the Eaglers ... we will ... enjoy ... soon and enjoy ... it took 18 years ...but we're here .... and we're safe ... and it's a Sunny Day for my family!

So ...what does that translate to other areas of my life? If he did it, for my marriage, for my family ...would he not do the ssame for my heart? Regardless of whether I can see the pattern or not ... to trust, to pray ..to cling to the Father ... to look to God ... to trust that Sunny day is coming ...

Winter ... the frozen wasteland of memories unwanted, locked away in a cold pocket in the heart ... unwilling to be thawed ...but working it's way out anyway ... and it mets ... ice turns to water ... water flows through everything. The thing, that I thought so hard to keep away. That I fought so hard to never acknowlege it again ... is back ... only, it's melted and it's flown through everything ...and is in need of attention ....

You can loose your mind through this process ...even the song writers admit to it!! But ... it is then that it will be your heart that you find.

I need to take the same love, the same determination that I applied to my family, the same strenght of love and tenacity to pray for my marriage and faimly ... and apply that to myself. To apply it to recovery ... to eating ... to not restiricting ... to healing. To being ... the real me.

Jars Of Clay - Sunny Days Lyrics

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Held by Natalie Grant

This, is the song that I posted a while back. Held, by Natalie Grant.
This year, I've had 2 good friends who've lost their children. One, 2 years 4 months, the other, 6 years old.

The reality of my friends loosing their children, it caused me to see that I'd shoved the grief of loosing my own child to the background. When Kyliebug died in April, I ALMOST dealt with it ... then Don got sick.

Then, a few weeks ago, little Joseph ... started kindergarten on Monday, and died in his sleep on Wednesday. Joseph, had fought a battle his whole life. I've known his mamma for longer than I can count ... and we both have talked and talked and talked about what it's like raising special needs kids.

In fact, that's how we 'met' .. she'd started a email group for parents of special needs kids. Joseph, wasn't even on the radar yet. I'll never forget the day she told me she was pregnant with him. My prayers for them, started that day ...and will continue for the rest of my life.

The question of why this happens, is unknown. I've discussed it in detail. My heart breaks for Teresa, Kylie's mom and my heart breaks for Erin, Joseph's mom.

When Kylie passed away ...my youngests son's first reaction was "Jessica (my lost baby) will be there to show her around."

When I asked Teresa to pray for Erin ...she said she would talk to Kylie to show Joseph around.

It dawned on me that night, that ..it meant the three of them were together. Maybe, just maybe, with Teresa's grandmother, and my step dad and Erin's parents all watching nearby talking about how proud they are of thier children and grandchildren.

So, I post this video, for Kylie, for Joseph, for Jessica ... as well as for us mom's ... this is, what it means to be held ..and one day, we will hold our babies.


Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.


Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.


This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words.

"I'm sorry I bumped into you"
"I'm sorry I forgot to get cash for you"
"I'm sorry I didn't do my homework"
"I'm sorry you went through that ..."

I never thought ..that 2 words could be so ... what is the word I'm looking for? Impactful, profound, annoying, and intruding? RAW?

In the last 4 months ... evidently, I've shown ..to several people, not just my treatment team ... a bit more of who I am. Deep down inside. I've also talked things over with my therapist, especially when Don was in the hospital ...

and over and over again ... I hear the words "I'm sorry"

My therapist, has made it a point to make sure that I hear her say "I'm sorry this happened"

I have decided that 2 phrases I would just as soon my friends not say to me when I'm struggling "I'm sorry" and "I love you"

I am not sure why ...most people, love to hear those things. Most people, need to hear those things.

But for me ... it makes me wish I'd not shared whatever I'd just shared.
I don't know if it makes the situation feel more real ...or if it makes me feel like I've gained sympathy I don't deserve .. I don't know ... I haven't figured it out.

I only know .. I don't like to hear words that people say every day ... and I'm not at all sure that those words should bother me.

new ventures

When I was a little girl, my favorite part of church, was the praise and worship. From the time I was a toddler ... I loved to sing hymns .. and praise chorus' ...

I was in the third grade when my pastor's wife told me after church one Sunday, that, as long as I was around ...the rocks would never get their chance to cry out.

In the 6th grade, I sang for the first time in front of a group. On a Friday night, at a Christian coffee shop ... a common thing in California in the 70's ...groups of Christian's ...gathering together to sing ... the beginnings of what we call today "small groups"

In the 7th grade, I joined the choir.

In 8th grade, moved from California, to Colorado, again, joining the church choir.

In the 10th grade, my church, being a rather progressive church of it's day, had a worship band. We were the only church in town to use instrumentals! I played my clarinet as well as sang in the choir.

Then, in the 11th grade, moved from Colorado, to Oklahoma. There was a singing group in the church we attended. 15 to 24 year olds. We'd sing every other Sunday for special music, and travel during the summer ... and to surrounding churches. If you've ever seen Celebrant singers or Continental Singers ... you'd know the group idea. We were called "Proclamation". The group, over the 2 years we existed had 20 singers at a time, but over 80 of us were members.
I graduated from high school while a member of Proclamation.

When I left Proclamation, I moved back to Colorado, and was in a professional Christian drama ministry (my paid job). I went back to my former church as an interpreter for the deaf, and praise and worship team member.

I came back, to Tulsa …and went to a lay ministry Bible school, while being in the choir and leading worship for the singles ministry.

I got married, and soon divorced (my ex husband left me after 4 months, deciding that God, nor marriage was for him) and went back to leading worship for the singles ministry.

I was ordained in ministry, AS a worship minister. (the ordination was specific to the church itself, not a denomination or national recognition)

I then, met Don, married him ..and life got crazy for a while ..and I was not in music ministry ... I had Samuel ..and got very very sick. No one knew what was wrong ... I had trouble breathing, swallowing, double vision and by the time I got diagnosed, I couldn’t dress myself or chew food.
I finally got diagnosed, and treated, but ...the disease, Myasthenia Gravis ...took away my ability to sing. So ... I stepped out of ministry all together. I had nothing to offer God. I had been trained in music ministry. My heart, from early childhood, had been in music ministry before I even knew what music ministry was ... and now, I had no voice with which to praise Him.

10 years ago, God lead me to Southpark Community Church (yes, that IS the name of it, no, it is not a spammed name!) Within the first few weeks there, I heard a song for the first time ... and my heart broke right there, as I placed on HIS alter, what I considered ministry to be.


When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

I realized, that God wasn't asking me for a perfect voice, that He had simply called me to worship him, in whatever manner He called me to worship him. For a while, I just did a few volunteer things around the church, helping out here and there. Was in a prayer ministry and the benevolence ministry.

Then, after I'd been there for a year, the worship pastor/pastor's wife, Carla, asked me to join the choir. I thought that odd, since she'd never heard me sing. I said something to the pastor, and he said "no, but she's seen your heart worship".

So, I took my weak voice, and joined the choir. It was, the hardest year of ministry I'd had. My head struggled with the music my voice couldn't sing, that I could read, but could not make the sounds. I don't think anyone quite realized how hard it was ... then …the decision came down … they were disbanding the choir. One problem solved ...new problem caused. My heart ...was still with worship ministry!

My mother was the newsletter writer ... and she was using my computer, and was putting in an ad for a secretary for the worship leader. She asked me if I wanted to do it? I had been the secretary for Proclamation …so ...sure, why not!! It would keep me in worship ministry!! (as well, as get me off the singing!)

So, mom called Carla … and ... I began my behind the scenes job of pulling the music for our singers and musicians ... that was 8 years ago.

I have loved my job. I have treasured my job ... I have honored my job. It has been a position that I respect. It is something that I take seriously as I pray over the congregation, the musicians and singers each week. It has been the highlight of my week ...

Carla left in December. Part of me was worried that they were not going to ask me to stay. I was told that was absurd, I was necessary! Whew!

Then Don got sick and I took a leave of absence ... and ... God started to deal with me.

When the music fades ...all is stripped away ...

God is asking more than a song ... for a song in itself is not what he has required ...

It's not mine any more ...

He's calling me out ...

But it's music ministry! That's my heart! That's MY place!

Longing just to be something that's of worth ... that will bless your heart.

I have to do it ...no one else knows the job ...
I'll bring you more than a song ...for a song in itself ...is not what you have required ...

As I took my leave, they had to find a way to do my job without me. They learned how to do what I've done for 8 years ...

You search much deeper within ...to the way things appear, you're looking into my heart ...

There are kids in the church who need me, the worship team doesn't. It's not my place anymore.

You're looking into my heart ...

BUT GOD!!! IT'S WORSHIP! MY HEART IS IN WORSHIP MINISTRY! THESE ARE MY FRIENDS! THIS IS MY SMALL GROUP! THIS IS MY SUPPORT SYSTEM! GOD >>> THIS IS MY HEART!

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Oh God, please, tell me you're not calling me out of the music ministry!

So, two weeks ago, I'm driving down the road, and I'm praying ... God, are you serious? And my cell phone rings ... it's the Children's Pastor: "Peggikaye? I just wanted to invite you to the parents meeting tomorrow night. I know you haven't been real involved this year, but, I think there are things coming up you'll be interested in"

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

And so, I tell her what's been on my heart ... she agrees to pray with me.

It's a hard decision. I love these people. I've served with them; I've served them ...for 8 years. I love this ministry ...

Tonight ... I didn't get to the list before I got there ...they had the music pulled before I could get to it (see, told you they'd learned to do things without me!)

One of the songs

I'm coming back to the heart of worship ... and it's all about you ... all about you Jesus ...

and I realize ... I don't belong here anymore. This isn't my place.

I love these people ...but it isn't my place.

I told my friend Ronda after church. My prayer partner, my accountability partner, my partner in crime ... my mentor ...my big sister ...and she smiled and said "so, has God called you to another ministry?"

And I said "What? No check in your spirit?"
"no, not going to argue with God"

Saturday, I gave my resignation to our worship leader. She did not seem surprised. Fully supportive; she assured me that the worship team would be fine and they were still my family.

Today, I met with the children’s pastor. My official role begins on Wednesday. I will begin by assisting with a musical for Christmas. Then, in January, I will begin my role as Special Events Coordinator. If you’ve read my blog for a couple of years, you’ll know how much I’ve enjoyed planning Kids Night Out, Mother/Daughter Sleep overs, Father’s Day breakfasts.

As we talked, I told her some ideas “off the top of my head” and I she and I realized … it wasn’t off the top of my head … it was in my heart. I’d actually been thinking, and planning. I have some solid ideas and plans already for next year (CLEAR INTO SEPTEMBER!!!) I have a clear vision of what I want to do and why I am there. I feel the passion I’ve had for worship ministry building in my heart for children’s ministry.

Tonight … this feels like a good thing.

What Bible Character Are You

Which Bible Character are you?

You're probably named Mary. Or John, if you're a guy. In any case, no one really remembers you.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

can of worms ...

Well ... my psychiatrist, whom I've lovingly referred to as "Dr. Bobblehead" is leaving. He's taken another job. He thought he might be able to take a few patients with him, but, it doesn't look like, at least in my case, like it's going to work out. So ... I have to find someone new. Monday, will most likely be my last appointment with him.

Last week, I got a phone call ... my new therapist, psychologist, that has been so good. Dr.B, (her name really does start with B) has had to take a sudden medical leave of absence. 4 to 6 weeks. I know more than I should ..first of all ...when I first met her, she told me a little about herself ...she has rheumatoid arthritis, lupus ..and we talked about the commmonality of our medications. One of them, carries a cancer risk.

It hasn't been but a few weeks since we talked about our medications and the risk of cancer they carry. She asked me if I got cancer would my medication have to stop immediately. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure I'd agree to stop it even if I DID get cancer. (I was going through a breast cancer scare, that turned out ok).

She mentioned that if she got cancer on her particular, it would be an immediate removal of the medication. The medication is referred to as a Disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs a DMARDs. DMARDs is a category of drugs used in many autoimmune disorders to slow down disease progression.

The risk of going off of them, is ... well, the progression of the disease.

So ... while Dr. Bobblehead is telling me "don't worry, she'll be back. They'll do the surgery, and she'll start the treatment, and then she'll come back and practice during treatments like a lot of people with cancer."

Yeah huh ... and a lot of people don't have the body she has ...with active RA ... and going off the one drug that's controlling it. Sorry, I simply know too much.

I, more than anyone, understand what's going on, and the need for her to take off (maybe not come back). So, it's not that.

I am wishing that I'd not met her. I'm wishing I'd not trusted her ...but ... something about her ... I had an immediate bond with her. It's not her fault at all.

So, 3 weeks ago, I decide to be open and honest with her, and Dr. Mitchell, since I thought I was going with him .. about something I'd not dealt with. I didn't know it would really be that big of an issue ... I just thought it was about time to open up a bit more. I finally had a therapist I knew was going to be able to work me through the process.

So, they start to ask me questions about the issue ...and one question, they asked ... hit a nerve. I don't think Dr. Bobblehead knew what he was asking. I froze.

So, then last Tuesday, Dr. B and I start to deal with the fall out ...and Friday, she has to take the emergency leave ...and now ... I find out ... that I'm most likely not going with Dr. Bobblehead.

I emailed him last week and said ... I think, one of my fears about dealing with my issues ... is that I'd be dealing with them alone. Like I always have ... and the odd thing is ... I am.

(yes, I'm very aware that I have friends, and blog friends ..and there are people who care. But, it's not the same as my professional team ... and nothing, can make it the same.)

One word. No explanations.
1. Yourself: growing
2. Your spouse: MINE
3. Your hair: thin
4. Your mother: sigh
5. Your father: no comment
6. Your favorite item: elephant collection
7. Your dream last night: nightmare
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: Bug
10. The room you are in: kitchen
11. Your ex: forgiven
12. Your fear: won't say
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Christlike
14. Who you hung out with last night: family
15. What you're not: brave
16. Muffins: none
17: One of your wish list items: Books!
18: Time: Private
19. The last thing you did: searched
20. What you are wearing: pajamas
21. Your favorite weather: cool
22. Your favorite book: Little Women
23. The last thing you ate: Chocolate Milk
24. Your life: Interesting
25. Your mood: anxious
26. Your best friend: BRAVE
27. What you're thinking about right now: Friendship
28. Your car: Contour
29. What you are doing at the moment: fidgiting
30. Your summer: busy
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED
32. What is on your TV: PBS
33. What is the weather like: HOT
34. When was the last time you laughed: 2 weeks ago

Hat tip to Biscotti's Brain ..this one, was just too interesting to pass up. I didn't do a good job of sticking to the one word ..but ... I've never followed directions well ;)

Introducing!

It is common in the blog world, when you know someone who is starting a new blog, or, you come across a new blog that you like to introduce that blogger to your blog friends. I've had the pleasure of introducing a few blogs in my time.

This time, it is a particular pleasure to introduce this blogger, because, not only do I KNOW this blogger, but I am related to this blogger. By choice, not by blood. *grin*

This blogger, is, my sister law, Pam. Healing Herbals Inner Sage

Her heading reads :
Healing Herbals Inner Sage
The workings of an herbalist, including the growing, foraging and making of products. I believe in and strive to live by the teachings of our Grandmothers, both those of my Native American and European ancestry. Many call these the Wise Women, Elder or Crone ways. After talking with the Creator, each of us should tune in to our inner voice, my listening brought me to this path. So listen, as I share my Inner Sage www.healingherbals.org

And her profile reads
I am a 40 something woman who loves herbs, writing, making products and hearing how they work, reading, and learning Everything I do, I have to keep in mind, that I really do have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and disc deteriation, as much as I would like to forget those things. This is the first year my 13 yr old will be attending public school, so all my reservations and excitement may come out in words!! I believe in gardening, composting, buying and eating locally, sustainability, & urban homesteading. I love nature (except biting things !) the moon, running water, the wind and all things living. I try to live the way I want to be treated.

She does not have a picture up yet, BUT ... I have pictures :)


This, is Pam with her VAST array of products. I have a personal ad to the side that I placed. Not at Pam's request, but at my own behest, because I so firmly believe in her products. They are great! Many of them were developed when I called Pam and said "HELP! I have this need!"
The acne was developed for my son Samuel ...but alas, we cannot tell you how he likes it, because ... the kid won't use it. He won't use a two step process, so he has yet to find anything 'that works' ... yes, Pam, you may strangle said nephew now. However, younger nephew of hers, SWEARS by her acne product, and rarely has more than 3 pimples ... and he uses it faithfully. Samuel's acne is bad enough to go to a dermatologist. (however, I REFUSE to take him to a dermatologist until he's tried to do over the counter or Aunt Pam's stuff faithfully!It's not TRULY bad enough to go if he's not TRIED to take care of it.) So, you be the judge ... 3 pimples with treatment ... acne without it ...hmmmmmmmmm

ok, this was supposed to be an introduction to her blog, not an advertisement for her products .. i could go on and on and on about her pain salve, her healing salve (I describe it to friends as a cross between ... neosporin and hydrocortosone cream ...if you'd use one of those ... you can use this!)

Back to the pictures ... this WONDERFUL Portrait! was taken by my nephew of Pam and her brother, my husband, at either our house dedication or the house warming party last November. He changed the background to it, to give it a portrait type background.



I don't have any pictures of Pam and I ..however, I'm sure at our renewal ceremony in December, I will get one. This time, Pam will be at our wedding ...unlike last time ... no one was at our wedding ... Pam was on our honeymoon (it was at her house) but she can't come on this honeymoon!

So, please, go visit Pam's new blog, and give her a warm welcome. And then, go visit her website for her products and if you're interested (you should be!) BUY some! You will not be let down.

Personality Plus (or in hiding as the case may be ....)

Hat tip to my friend Jeff for this gem .... telling me what I already knew ...

The test says I'm an introvert! How dare they call this homebody an introvert! hmmph!

Important information!

http://illnessministry.ning.com/video/video/show?id=847406%3AVideo%3A5

Double Crush

Don had an EMG last week. The news was crushing to say the least. They wanted to find out the cause of his pain and numbness since he'd been in the hospital ... and they wanted to find out if maybe there was some carpel or ulner(?) tunnel nerve going on. Maybe some neuralgia.

What they found out was that it was polyneuralgia ...and that the damage was double crushed ... at the neck, the elbow, and the wrist (depending on the nerve).

The nerves are permanently damaged, and decompressing them, will not make a difference. They will not get better.

The doctor, today, was quite discouraged. He said that it frustrated him, because, if it was his brother, he'd be scared, because his scoliosis is 'messed up, really messed up, nightmare messed up'.

This is really the first doctor to talk to us in REAL terms.

We are going to check out a Dr. Lenke in St. Louis. The orthopedic surgeon suggested that we get copies of all his xrays, his MRI's, EMG's all his reports, lung function tests and write him a letter ... and just say "can you help?" So far, Dr. Lenke is the only surgeon we've found that will even approach the type of scoliosis that Don has. (if anyone knows anything about him ... please please please post or email me!!!!!!!!!!!! good or bad ..or indifferent, even if it's just to say, yeah, I've heard of him!)

As for me, I'm exhausted. I've been going to my therapist week after week .. and she looks at me and sighs ... I will have to tell her next week though that ... really, aside from the Don issues ... the other medical stuff we've faced this year ...really aren't that unusual. I'm always tired. I'm always hurting. Nothing new here. I just was getting more rest because Don was doing more ... and helping a lot. So, I'm really not any sicker.

I think my life overwhelms her at times. She's going to have to get over that. I need her help to get beyond my issues ... and to do that, she's going to have to get beyond my current every day crisis' that seem to happen every day. Those have been on going for 18 years ...they seem like a big deal to her ...but for me, they are par for the coarse ... I realize that concerns her ... and that she lives with chronic illness herself ...and that she had a mother with chronic illness ...but ... for me, it's just her times 3 ... so ... big deal ... it's my life, my cards I've been dealt. I need to deal with what's caused the eating disorder ... the day to day junk ..is always going to be there. If she tries to deal with that first ...we'll never get to what's underneath.

The boys started school already last year. My oldest is a Senior, and my baby is a Freshman!!! Geesh ... time flies. It just wasn't that long ago that I took my son to kindergarten at Little Light House and watched him toddle into class with his back pack ... with his big eyes ...and those glasses ... and that huge smile ... and now ... he's in high school! Where, did the time go?

Psalm 23 and the summer of 2007

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.


1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

The Lord, has guided me this summer. When I needed support while Don was in the hospital, I was not alone. Our finances ... instead of being challenged, were just fine. (we even came out ahead!)

I knew, that I had many people to call if I needed to ... that would come to me 24/7 for the entire 45 days. The issue wasn't, would I have someone, but rather ...who should I call? I made many calls during that time period ... and I still didn't call everyone I could have called.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

There have been times that my mother has been in the hospital, or that I have been ... and the care has been; shall we say - - less than adequate. It felt unsafe to leave my mom in the hospital alone.

This time, with Don, not one time did I feel like I was not leaving my husband in good hands. I could go home to rest, and sleep every night.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

More than once, I felt like I could not go on for even 5 more minutes. All it took was a prayer, and I had a sudden realization, that God was with me... regardless of how bad it got ... no matter scary it got ... with just a "Lord, I'm tired" I would instantly know, HE was my strength.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

This, was the theme for the summer. I have never been so aware of how true this Psalm was actually until I actually spent a few days, wondering "would my husband make it?" "Will I be a widow?" "How can he leave me now?"

And yet, with all the sadness, and concern ... there was an overwhelming sense of peace. A Peace that cannot be explained.

Don and I have always had slightly differing opinions on what to do for 'living will' situations. I've never really known if I could go through with his wishes. Yet, we'd talked about it so much ... I knew exactly what to do, and when ... what to agree to, what to question ... and when we had the discussion with the doctor of "IF this doesn't work, what measures need to be taken?"
I was able to talk to them, calmly, and with assurance that I knew what my husband wanted ...and that I would be able to follow through, with God at my side.



5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

There were a few situations that I had to stand and advocate for my husband. They, were not enemies, by any stretch of the imagination. (well, wait, when he got home I guess we got into that scenerio since we've had to fire TWO home health agencies!) I was able to do so, with assurance that I knew what I was talking about. I knew that God gave me enough assertiveness to get through the situation. More than once, my husband became confused, questioning what was going on, frustrated and angry ..and I was able to keep the peace so that they did not become enemies.

This, is not, in my personality. This, was through the prayer, and the guidance of my Shephard that I was able to do so.



6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

We dedicated our house to God when we got it. It was such a wonderful thing to bring my husband home! To see him now walking on his own, using the walker at times, and not at others ... the oxygen not being constantly on (which is ok)and seeing his strength return bit by bit, day by day ... it is good to dwell in this house with my husband ... and to call our house, the house of the Lord.

Antiquities

So, Yesterday, I took my youngest son, my BABY up to the high school (sort of, 9th and 10th grade only in the school) to pick up his schedule.

Today, I took my oldest son, who is still my BABY, to the other high school (11th and 12th grade only) to pick up his schedule.

My youngest is a freshman, my oldest a senior. I, am now the mother of 2 high school students! *shock*

I then, wanted to get an appraisal on my kitchen table. I have a very unique kitchen table. Solid Maple, and my parents bought it at an antique store when I was a year old. It's not a normal table at all, round (not oval) and it is SOLID maple. Heavy and beautiful.

So, I stopped at an Antique store, it was obvious that she didn't have furniture, but I thought she might know who could do appraisals (the answer was a *no* ...what????)

My son, just found a new hobby in life. Antiquing! He loved the history ..and he found a lot of little things that he loved. One, he collects hats, and he found an old, spanish, wool bull fighters cap! He can afford it after he gets his allowance.

The other, is, he likes to collect military stuff. Doesn't matter what branch, and it can be a pin, a pen, a bracelet, arm band ...doesn't matter ... he loves it. Well, he is also a HUGE M*A*S*H fan. We walked into the second store, and they had an old Army Jacket, obviously real, with the name "Pearce" on it (obviously, it's Pierce in MASH, but hey! Close enough for government work!)

Turned out, that for pants and jacket, they only wanted $5!!!!!! The guy was discharged in 1964 and passed away right after coming home from Viet Nam. The owner of his belongings does not want them ...at all ..and is just selling them! WOW.
So, he has them hung on hangers and hung on the wall right now till we figure out a way to display them.

The hardest part (as well as a fun part) was seeing my entire childhood in the antique stores! "We had these plates!"
"We had these glasses!"
"We had this mixing bowl!" (we HAVE THAT MIXING BOWL AND YOU WANT $35 bucks for it? I'm USING MINE ???? um ...er .. uh ... maybe not anymore!!!)
"We had this ..."

I think I said that about 100 times. I could have restocked my childhood kitchen from those 2 stores! What is my childhood doing in an ANTIQUE STORE???

I did see a few things I will go back and get. They held a lot of meaning to me as a child ...and ...well, to have something just like them ... will be very special!

Blogger Buddy!

I have a dear blogger friend. Cathy, she is quite the determined woman.

Last year, she participated in an exhausting feat of blogging for 24 hours ... 48 posts in 24 hours ... this year, even after living through the physical exhaustion (Cathy is not the healthiest person on the planet) she is doing it again.

This time, she's blogging for St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

While my friend's baby never went to St. Jude's ... it WAS considered. They were the ones who gave the final diagnosis of ATRT tumor ... and the reason she didn't go was because the doctor's here in Oklahoma City had been St. Jude trained doctor's. She would have gotten the same care at St Judes that she got here. The only difference being, she'd have been away from family and friends.

I can't look at the pictures of St. Judes, because they hurt so dearly. My friend's baby ... St. Jude's is working ... on finding a cure for the ATRT brain cancer ..but they've yet to do so.

Please ... help Cathy's Place, in finding her place in helping to prevent the future Teresa's and Kylie's.

Story Time

November 19, 1987, Don and I applied for a marriage licence.

Don, thought it would be neat to get married on our birthday, since we share a birthday. (November 21). I, however, did NOT want to get married on our birthday, and did not want to get married in November, since my first wedding had taken place in November, I thought that would be ... uncouth.

So, he almost had me talked into it, so we got the license. We were still looking for wedding chapels, and talking to the pastor of the church where Don was attending. We, had assumed, falsely, (and found out AFTER we got the license ...) that in Tulsa Town, there is (or at least was) no such thing as Justice of the Peace ..which was going to be our last resort.

I talked him into waiting till December. But our license was only good for 2 weeks AFTER we got it, so we'd have to get married on the first, second or third. We'd talked to his pastor, who agreed to do it. We had our best man and matron of honor lined up.

Then, on Monday, November 30th, we got a call, the pastor was backing out. We got 2 stories, we never figured out which was the real story ...it really doesn't matter ..one was that he was going out of town on an emergency. The other was this "besides, so and so is complaining that Peggikaye's been married before" (it was a woman whom I'd gone to church with before when I was married before. She also knew the whole story of me being left after 4 months, and it should have been annulled, not divorce! Granted, she didn't know WHY I was left, but she was aware that legally, we qualified for an annulment) So, they were this high donation to the church, high powered couple. We were this low income ... nothing ..and we think he just gave into pressure. That, is neither here, nor there other than, that is how we came to get to being married where we did.

So, Monday night, we've got just till Thursday to find where we can get married. We start to call ..chapels were WAY out of our budget ... we finally found one.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Most people don't realize they can do weddings. I never knew that they did. Never have heard of anyone else getting married there either.

The Salvation Army Chapel.

So, we're supposed to meet our Best Man and Matron of Honor at 2pm on December 2nd at the Salvation Army in down town Tulsa.

Every girls dream.

When we left, we called our friends, and they were on their way. So, we get there, and the chaplain tells us that our matron of honor needs us to call. We were very confused ...but we called.

The best man had fallen on the ice on the way out to the car, and slipped a disc in his back. (he wound up being laid up for over 2 months!)

We, had no guests coming, there were no alternatives for witnesses. Now what? We had one day till the license expired.

The chaplain said that there were always 3 people on site at all times, they could be the witnesses, but first, he wanted to do some 'pre marital counseling'.

OK.

So, after about 45 minutes, he calls in the witnesses.

One guy was HUGELY obese ... could barely walk. He was homeless, but volunteered at the center and used their shelters.
The other guy, extremely thin, and was missing his right arm. A war vet, homeless, who also lived at the shelter and volunteered at the shelter.

These, were our witnesses. They stood beside us. They stood straight, and they smiled through the whole ceremony. You'd have thought, that we'd been life long friends. They knew, they were being asked to do something that was normally an honor bestowed on people close to someone's heart. They took their job of being witnesses to our marriage quite seriously!

We finished the ceremony, they signed their names ..we signed ...the minister signed ..and we all gave each other handshakes and hugs ...and Don and I walked out the door. Mr. & Mrs. Donald Eagler.



Married in a Salvation Army Chapel.

Don said "Wow! It's for real!"
I said "Who was my maid of honor?"

Twenty years later ... we're still married. I keep thinking of the show Bridezilla (although, not having cable, I've never seen an episode) and thinking how much emphasis they put ... and how little we had ..and yet ... the ceremony worked ... just as well (maybe better?)

So, on December 2, 2007 ... we're going to renew our vows. With all we've been through, the better and the worse ... the house, the sick kids, the health issues and the struggles in our marriage, we can't think of anything better to do.

This time ..we'll have a wedding. A little closer to the one that this girl ... and this girl dreamed about ...

Bravery and Elephants

"It was the hardest week of my life. It was the best week of my life!"

Those were the first words out of the mouth of my 17 year old when I picked him up from the church today after he'd spent a week as a CIT (counselor in training)at church kids camp.

When we got into the car, he said "There is nothing more incredible in the world, than 150 kids singing praises to God"

Those are words ..that this mother was very proud to hear.

I'd spoken with the counselor he'd worked with. I'd asked Doug how he'd done, and his first words were not what a mom wants to hear "he's great! He's fantastic! What a kid you've got there!"

But rather "It was a growing experience!"

uh oh!

Then, he pulled me aside and told me the story, which, will remain between myself and Doug. Suffice it to say, while it was the best week in my sons life, it was, a hard week ...and he grew by leaps and bounds!

My son, has some deep fears ... they are a result of living with OCD. One of the worst ... heights. Last year, proudly watched him temporarily conquer them in order to participate in building the house as he worked on the roof. White as a ghost, and often sick to his stomach. Many times shaking. He got up there with his friends and the other workers. He did it. As afraid as he was ...because he wanted to build his house.

Well, his counselor took him out to a rope climbing course, not knowing his fears ...and not knowing he had OCD talked Samuel into climbing the ropes. Samuel, had a melt down ...and ... then Samuel swung from the ropes to get down!!!!

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes wondering how many times I've chosen to climb down the post rather than swing through the air. I'm proud of him. Very.

He really really enjoyed camp. As hard as it was ... he really enjoyed it. Watching kids make a decision for Christ, watching kids choose to work hard to win the 'golden plunger' to get the cleanest room. Watching kids mature ... and watching some maturity in himself.


Then tonight ... my husband and I, wanted to say thank you to some friends who'd been so helpful and supportive of us during our stay in the hospital. (um, er ..HIS stay in the hospital rather). So, we invited them to eat with us at the Elephant Bar Restaurant.

Now, after I got over my confusion ... in town, there is an Elephant Run ... I never knew that Elephant Run was a bar ... I always thought it was a restaurant.

So, when my friend sent out the email invites for us ... I freaked ...she sent out the invites to Elephant BAR ... OH NO!!! ELEPHANT RUN!!!!!!!

So she comes back and says "YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BAR?" (kids were invited, church small group event as well as thank you event!)

NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So ...then I find out that Elephant BAR is the restaurant ..and Elephant Run is the bar ... go figure. I'm still confused.

Ok, so we go tonight ...and there were 20 or so people who showed up. It was absoluetly incredible ... lots of fun ...and loud! We didn't get to speak with everyone, but everyone had a wonderful time. It was nice to have everyone together ...and it was a great time. It was nice to look down the table and see "these people all came ...and helped us, repeatidly!!" How wonderful to know we are truly loved ..and we truly love.

It was also good to see them out of the hospital. *smile*

Tagged

I have been tagged by two friends ... YMX buddies as well as 'invisible friends' *grin* So, I get to kill 2 birds with one stone *BIG GRIN*
So, for Patti and Deneice ...here goes :

Rules to play:

1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.


1. I played volleyball and softball and track and field in high school.

2. I played the clarinet ... but I was awful. My nickname in band ... was Jerry. As in the mouse ... from Tom and Jerry. (SQUEAK!!!!!!!!)

3. I can't stand the color purple!!!!!!!

4. I have discovered that I think I like cats more than dogs. My 5 year old neice was here the other day and she was trying to make my cats play with her. They, of coarse, would not be forced. She informed me that I needed to get a dog who would play no matter what. Dogs, were more fun, playful and less boring.

At that point, I realized that I actually liked the quietness of my cats.

5. I love to cook. I don't like to eat. At all.

6. I love to be alone!

7. I love old hymns and new praise and worship music.

8. I don't like to be the center of attention ... at all.

Tag 8 people ... hmmm I may have to think about that for a day or so and get back to it.

Brain Drain



When people hear the term "Brain Drain" they usually think of one of two terms ... they either think of economic terms ... Wikipedia's definition is as follows:

Brain drain can occur either when individuals who study abroad and complete their education do not return to their home country, or when individuals educated in their home country emigrate for higher wages or better opportunities. The second form is arguably worse, because it drains more resources from the home country.

This phenomenon is perhaps most problematic for developing nations, where it is widespread. In these countries, higher education and professional certification are often viewed as the surest path to escape from a troubled economy or difficult political situation.

Or ...they think of spending mind numbing hours doing nothing but playing video games or reading trashy romance novels or watching the 'boob tube' that does nothing to build the brain ..thus draining it of any viable intelligence ... no exercise ... intellectual or physical ...nothing gained ... nothing expended ... nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Brain Drain.

I've been thinking of the term Brain Drain lately in a different way ... I've been intentionally looking for ways that I can, in fact, practice 'brain drain'.

*blink*

What? Why? Who would do such a thing? Aren't we as American's working toward NOT being Brain Drains? Being productive ... etc etc ... yea ...but ...

I need rest ... however, when I rest ...and just rest ... I go nuts. Absolutely nuts.

So, then I thought of what I needed to do ...was ACTIVELY REST! (stop staring at me like that Moof and Cathy!!!!!)

Let me explain.

I need to let my body rest and my brain destress. But ...just 'resting' would often cause me more anxiety than the *resting* was doing me good. Now, I know many who read this will actually identify with that concept *cough* (see who I told to stop staring at me!!!)

I started to picture a drain in a sink ... it stops the stuff from going down the drain that you don't want to go down the drain, but allows the water to go down to the sewer. Suddenly I realized ... I needed activities that allow me to BRAIN DRAIN.

I need things that allow the stress, the useless information to be filtered from my brain, while hanging onto the information, and the important stuff ... and sometimes ... sitting up at the computer, or going for coffee with a friend, sitting and doing puzzles, reading a book .. and sometimes sleeping ... is in fact doing the Brain Drain activity ... it just depends on what is needed at the time.

Let the junk go down the drain, zone out .. relax ...and don't worry about the
'supposed to be's' (I'm supposed to be sleeping ... I'm supposed to be folding laundry ... I'm supposed to be writing ... I'm supposed to be laying down ... I'm supposed to be ... I'm supposed to be ...) talk with a friend, IM with a friend, read a blog, write a blog .. write a poem ... do what the brain says comes naturally ...

then, when I am relaxed, the stuff that's left in the drain, can be better sorted out rinsed off ... and put where it belongs.

I do hope this post made some sense .... or maybe it needs to go down the drain! ;)

We, are home at last.

They did not do the bed. Medicare and their rules *rolling eyes*. I guess it's still something being considered for future ...

He has his bi pap machine, walker, and oxygen.
There is the funky machine that will generate the oxygen for his bipap machine, give him oxygen in the house AND fill his portable oxgyen tanks.

He has a 4 wheel walker, with a seat and brakes. It's midnight blue, which, really, looks purple in the wrong light. It, is just wrong!

Tomorrow, home health will get here about 10 am. He will get home health 3 times a week and PT and OT 3 times a week for 2 weeks, then we'll see. He follows up with PCP, neuro and pulmo ... PCP in 1 week, neuro and pulmo in 2 weeks.

The boys decided to spend the night at their friends house. We have mixed feelings about that. It is nice to have a quiet evening at home, just the two of us, but part of us are going "your father just got home!!!"

oh well, such is the life of parents!

Home, Sweet Home!

42 days ... end in sight.

It's been 42 days since Don first went into the hospital. That's 6 weeks.

He was taken by ambulance to the ER, then admitted to the med/surg floor (7 tower) from there, he was moved to the ICU, from there, he was moved back to the med/surg floor, 7 tower again. Then he was moved to 9 tower when they closed 7 Tower down for remodeling. Then, he was moved to the Long Term Acute Care facility (L Tac) where he spent longer than I can remember ... and from there, to rehab.

We have a discharge date. Friday! July 6th. Our Independence Day!

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready ... will I be ready. Uh ... YES!!!!!!

Yea, I know caretaking at home will bring a whole new set of issues, but he will be here ... and I will wake up in the morning and see HIM, and I can walk into another room and see him .... and we will talk, and laugh and cry and argue at will ... and there will be no miles ... or phones ...

I can't wait to see him sitting on the couch ... with the kitty cats in his lap, just sitting there watching a show I have no interest in while he bugs me about spending time talking to my invisible friends on the internet ... and we smile, just because we're together ... our family, all in the same room. Changed forever by the last 6 weeks ... but still, together.