Even if ....

Pearls and Dreams




Psalms 46:1-5
1 God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. 2 So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea, 3 even if the oceans roar and foam, or the mountains shake at the raging sea. Selah 4 There is a river that brings joy to the city of God, the holy place where God Most High lives. 5 God is in that city, and so it will not be shaken. God will help her at dawn.

Mountains are one of my favorite geographical things on the planet. Given the choice between seeing the desert, the ocean or a mountain, I'm going to pick a mountain. Specifically, Yosemite.

I got one cryptic message from my Dad on the answering machine, then a really cryptic message by email after I sent him my email. The longer he waits to really contact me ... the more I am thinking, his response will not be a positive one (based on his history and personality etc.)Am I prepared for the ultimate response ... a final rejection ... and the answer is a very sad ... yes.

As I sat here and prayed about it this afternoon ... what will my hearts response be if my earthly father does what I am pretty sure he's about to do? Will my heart, my emotions be able to take ...the final blatant ... not subtle rejection ..after years of subtle jabs and and rejections ... and what who will I call father if he does? My step father died more than 25 years ago.

As I was doing some research for teaching the junior high kids next week ... I came across that chapter in Psalms ... if the mountains fall into the sea ... I could bear it ... because my God is with me. God will help me ...regardless of the answer. I'm not sure anything could quite have gotten my attention as much as mountains falling into the sea ... :) ... how re assuring ...even if they do ... God, is still in charge.

It's ok. The reality is, If he does reject me openly and blatantly, it won't be anything new, just something honest for a change. Nothing I didn't already know, just something he'd never been willing to admit to anyone else for 'propriety sake'. So even if he does, it won't be the end of anything. But the beginning of never being rejected again.

And God ... is there ... and the river of Joy taking me straight to HIS arms of love. Right, where I belong.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
All Right Here

By Sara Groves

It's every loss and every love • It's every blessing from above • Here I am all added up • Oh, it's all right here • • It's what I know and what I'm guessin' • It's half-truths and full confessions • It's why I choose to learn my lesson • Oh it's all right here • • And I'm not God I'm a girl I confess that I don't have sea of forgetfulness • No, it's all right here • It makes me stronger and makes me wince • It makes me think twice when I pick my friends • Oh, it's all right here it's all right here • • It's caution and curiosity• And it's all the things I never see • Welling up inside of me • Oh, it's all right here • It's what is best and what is worse • It's how I see the universe • It's in every line and every verse • Oh, it's all right here • • And I'm not God I'm a girl I confess that I don't have sea of forgetfulness • No, it's all right here • It makes me stronger and makes me wince • It makes me think twice when I pick my friends • Oh, it's all right here it's all right here • • Every heart has so much history • It's my favorite place to start • Sit down awhile and share your narrative with me • I'm not afraid of who you are • • I'm all here and you're all there • Some of this is unique and some of it we share • Let's add it up and start from there • Oh, it's all right here • • Oh, I'm not God I'm a girl I confess that I don't have sea of forgetfulness • No, it's all right here • It makes me stronger and makes me wince • It makes me think twice when I pick my friends • Oh, it's all right here • It's caution and curiosity• And it's all the things I never see • Oh, it's all right here • It's what is best and what is worse • And it's how I see the universe • Oh, it's all right here • It's all right here • Oh, it's all right here • I'm all right here • Oh, I'm all right here • I'm all right here, alright • •


Thanks Wanda ...

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Today, I had an enjoyable day. I went to physical therapy ..and came home to a shocking message on my machine. We'll skip that.

I talked with Wanda for a few minutes, then she came over and she and I went for a walk .. and we chatted while we walked. We went out for a diet pop after the walk, then we went and did some minor shopping. We had a lot of girl talk. Accomplishing knocking out a few birds with just one stone. Both of us had assignements given to us by our pastor ..and by spending this time together today ... we managed to do it. AND have fun in the doing. Not a bad Use of time!

Wanda thinks I opened up a little, I think I spilled my guts wide open ... and dove in head first ... guess it's a matter of perspective.

At any rate, it was a thoroughly enjoyable time and we plan on having fun getting fit together and knocking down some of my opening up issues ...In addition to what you've seen unfold on my blog, I also emailed my father last night and said "Enough. The tornado will stop, or I won't be in it's path anymore."

It has been a rather exhausting 48 hours. Wanda says 3 bricks have fallen off my wall ... I swear a bomb has knocked the whole thing down ... I shall survive, but for now, I think I'm going to rest a while before trying to pull off another brick, at least a few days!

Admiration

Pearls and Dreams

I have watched my friend go through a weekend of what some people would describe as an emotional crisis. They would see having to go into a psychiatric ward as a negative and then write off the person as weak. I am watching my friend and standing back in complete awe and amazed at her strength. My respect, that was already more than she could imagine, has increased.

I have watched, as her compassion for those around her grows. Her heart for the hurting and her tenderness eeks out of her. She's in there ...and she takes the time from her visit to make sure the man in the wheelchair can get to where he's going.

It was snack time, she desperately needed some caffiene, her other friend had brought her some pop, but her desire for her relationships ...overrode her desire for her diet coke ..that she could only get at certain times. Trust me, I'd have gotten up and gotten the pop! (If it were coffee, my addiction is coffee)

I watch her handle this ..and I stand back amazed. Her faith remains strongly intact. Her love for her friends ..strong as ever. Her spiritual goals increase. Her life goals, become firmer and clearer.

Is she happy to be where she is? No. Is she content to do the process ...yes. She is willing to do what it takes to get to be where she needs to be.

Including talk about difficult situations. She and I talked about that by phone tonight. We talked about her openness and my lack of it. The fact that she has more than one person who she can tell anything to. Not many, but more than one. She has a support team. She has not only a team of people who are willing to listen to anything, but she has a few people she's willing to tell anything to. She does. She's forming relationships ...she's doing the hard work ... and she's growing ..even in the painful parts ..and her trust is growing.

I stand back and I wonder what would it be like to have more than one person whom you could tell anything to. What would it be like to have ONE person that you could tell anything to. Do I have a person that would be willing to listen? Yes. I probably have several whom I could trust ... who would be willing to listen. Wanda, would be one of them. But, I don't talk. The support system is there ..but I don't build that bridge ... I let the fear that I will overwhelm them with my life keep me from opening up.

I can remember being in high school and starting to share my pain of what people DID know ...and people either crying, or telling me it was too much ... and I couldn't handle either reaction. So, I soon learned my life was too much. My pain was too much for others to bear ..and I turned it inward. Soon, I stopped feeling it myself.

I've made so much progress in the last several years ..and yet I've felt that I've come to a plataue emotionally and what in the world is stopping me ... and yet I know what it is ... I've grown myself as far as I can ...it's the relationships that are required now ...the building real relationships ... the letting people in ... and I watch Wanda do it ..and I admire her so. She might be in a place that most people see as for the weak. But I tell you what ... I've never seen someone as strong!

My Delightful Friend

Pearls and Dreams

My dear friend Wanda, from Wanda's Wings was meeting me at small group last night. She'd started a new medication ... and had a reaction to it. We had to call an ambulance ...and she was admitted to Laureate Psychiatric Hospital. (willingly)

She had a horrible flashback. When I got there, she said it was the worst she'd ever had, and it got significantly worse from there.

Please keep my friend in your prayers. I'll be going and seeing her today before going to our Sunday School class party.

Wanda is in good spirits and knows she is in good hands. She is working with the treatment team. Relaxing and praying that they can help the medications to adjust to find the best combination of medications for her.

Our worst concern is that they said that they won't contact our Dr. Bobblehead on Tuesday when he gets back into the office. So ... I will *grin*. Our pastor is out of town ... but our associate pastor said that we've had several people who've in the church who've been through this, in this hospital, and they've had good outcomes. It's pretty standard for them to not contact the primary outpatient psychiatrist psychologist (grrr) but the family member usually does go around that. So, I will just do that.

(D ..this is the same place that has the eating disorder clinic)

Even in the midst of her pain and chaos 2 things stood out ... her faith ..her solid knowledge that even though she FELT fear ... she KNEW God was with her and she'd be ok. And her concern for her friends, both in real time and her new blog friends. She is truly, a delight, like Dr. Bobblehead says.

My problem is,in 5 years, he's never told me I'm delightful! what am I? Grumpy? humph! ;)
(we spent all last night in ER joking about that,the er staff probably thought we both belonged in the psychiatric ward)

Contemplation: Personal experience and mercy

Pearls and Dreams

Today, Oklahoma is considering a law. Execution of sexual offenders.

I don't know the steps from here. It's passed the house, now onto the senate. From here, I guess to the governor's office. I don't know if this is one the state will have to vote on or not.

This has my heart and brain warring probably more than any legal issue of my lifetime. Questioning ...

Get them ... mow 'm down! They deserve it! But wait ... what about my uncle? Yea, I don't write about him here. Or that part of my life ...who would want to do that? It's one thing to admit that you've been a victim. People don't like to admit that they know someone who's done this to someone. It's horrendous to admit that they might have been friends with someone who did. It's devastating to admit that you're divorced from someone who did. But to admit that you're blood related ...and you love that person ... how do you do that? How does that love for that person stop when you're 37 before you find out about it?

So, you just don't talk about it and you hope no one finds out, and you just pray for the person. Then laws like this come up ...and you have to start to question.

The anger at people who do this sort of thing comes easy ... but then you stop and realize ...you dearly love one of these creeps. One of these monsters. You pray daily for his salvation ...for his repentance ...for him to accept responsibility in what he did to his foster sons. You pray for him to stop blaming what was done to him ..and take realize it was his own decisions and he had choices. But, the love is still there ...which is why you want him to make the choice to repent so badly... to be the man he was created to be.

This uncle will never be the neighborhood registered offender. He's never getting out of prison. He's too old ..and his sentence is too long. There is some comfort to the family in this, at least as long as he's unrepentant and blaming his molestor. (yes, I know who the molestor was) As long as it was not his fault, he belongs right where he is. Even if he accepts responsibility and Christ, he still belongs where he is.

But death?

And are my questions about this there because I know and love someone ... would I even have a question ...if not for an uncle whom I love? Would I have any compassion or mercy if not for someone I love?

I can't help but think that if he had a death sentence on his head ..he'd not have time to find Christ ... he needs that time.

Does God intend for us to use those experiences in our live to give us mercy and compassion on others ... are we supposed to use those situations to balance out our anger?

I don't really want to have mercy and compassion for these perpetrators ... but then ... I see my uncle ...

The Friday After ...

Pearls and Dreams

Took my first Toprol Tuesday night, so I've had 3 pills.

My blood pressure this morning before I started PT was 133/84, heart rate 63. Heart rate good. BP below high range ...still no where near my normal 110/60 range.
I have some edema starting. Doc says if I get concerned about it over the weekend go to the after hours clinic. Otherwise, go by blood pressure, if BP goes over ... don't go by MY concern, get in.

Otherwise, we can wait for the ultrasound on Thursday. Edema is probably being caused by what ever is causing the BP to rise, so unless it gets really bad, or uncomfortable ... the test for what's causing it is already ordered, labs have already been done. That's what I thought she'd say, but I called her anyway. See, I can be a good girl!

Inspite of what my PT says.

PT and I fussed at each other so much during PT someone asked him if I was his older sister. oops. I got mad at him when I was leaving because he told his next patient that PT is supposed to be hard and painful and torturous ..and he spent the whole session with me stopping me and telling me to play the game right. I then told him thatthe PT I worked with last year was more fun cause he didn't know me and let me work hard. Maybe we do fuss at each other too much LOL
It's fun though. He deserves it. Trust me. His co workers really enjoy watching me give him a hard time and he's only been there for 3 months ... he really deserves it!

It could be worse ... and we both know it. I could be struggling for every accomplishment I gain ... and it could be taking everything out of me. Fighting to be allowed to do more ... is a very good thing.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

I'm melting

It's only 12:4o and my weather pixie already says it's too hot!

Summer has started

Pearls and Dreams

My 16 year old has finished his sophomore year in school. He's ready to get on with his life.

Trying to convince him that cutting off this summer, will not speed up his life is like handing him the moon. He knows that to become a doctor, he has a very long road in front of him ...and he's ready to get on with the show. Um, son, gotta finish high school first! Just be glad you're also getting college classes while in high school! (starting next year, he'll get college credit for AP classes, the next year, he'll be taking 4 of his 6 classes at the Junior college, his other 2 classes will be AP classes).

He wants to start now ... to get it done now. Trying to convince him that he'll be in school for a long time ..and the hard stuff starts next year ...enjoy this summer! Is going to drive me nuts. He's decided what he wants to do, and he's ready to move forward. Enough of childhood. Enough of this silliness ... life is waiting!

ACK! Be a kid! (am I really saying that to a kid who 8 months ago I was yelling GROW UP to?)

Amazing what inspiration will do. I could do without the "I see dead people" mantra that's seems to be a constant. I'm not sure if it's become a tic (TS related) or if he's just decided to drive me to insanity with it. His plans for 'his' morgue ... really are weird. The child really does have a weird sense of humor. I guess anyone who wants to go into forensic medicine would have to.

He was asked at church last week if his families health problems have encouraged him to go into medicine. He busted up laughing and said "well, not yet anyway" The guy looked a little baffled. I told him that he wants to be medical examiner, specializing in criminal investigations, so unless we're murdered ... or some other unsavory death ... he wouldn't be inspired by our condition. The poor man went pale as Samuel started grinning. This kid also plans on getting his masters in divinity. He may need it just to stay sane. (become sane?)

My mom goes to the neurologist on June 30 for the 'senior evaluation'. My doctor is waiting to hear from said neurologist on my taking the drug. The nurse was supposed to ASK me if I knew whether or not it was a safe drug ... not tell me to take it and to call it in. Um ...that's not what happened.

So she's calling neuro to clear it, but we agreed that given my BP and heart rate, and the fact that I'm still functioning, breathing and walking, that I'd stay on it until further notice.

Grand Rounds

Pearls and Dreams

A Grand Rounds are up. I participated for the first time in over a year.
For those who don't know what it is, go check it out. Interesting information. Educational and facinating!

I have a call into PCP as she directed. My blood pressure today was 153/91 and pulse was 108.

If I've 'aged out' of my luck of good blood pressure, that is so going to suck!

I did get a Good nights sleep last night.

Slap Happy

Pearls and Dreams

Well, I've checked my blood pressures a few times as requested by doc.
Same machine, different times of the day
142/79 heart rate 110
129/91 hr 104
141/94 hr 112
Sunday resting heart rate in church taken by a PT friend was 100.

Today ... I didn't check it. However, I'm tired and hopefully will be going to bed. I slept ZERO last night. I went to bed and stared at the ceiling, twiddled my thumbs and tossed and turned till I couldn't take it anymore. I got up around 5 AM.

I took mom to ortho doc. I went to PT where evidently I'd past the point of fatigue and into slap happy and had too much fun at PT with another patient who was on pain killers and had brought a Saturday Night Live 'Deep Thoughts' Book.
Poor PT ... he wasn't real sure what to do with us. I had a really hard time doing my PT and had forgotten I'd not slept. I mean, I had a REALLY hard time and I couldn't figure it out.
We got about half way through the routine and Mr. Protective himself decides to supervise me and notices my breathing is a bit off and stops it and says ICE NOW! Myasthenics not breathing isn't a good thing.
Ends the session half way through.

So he's putting the ice on my shoulder and I yawn and I realize I'd not slept in over 24 hours. Oh, that might be why my muscles don't want to do this therapy thing! Derrick says "That may be why you're a bit slap happy too!"

So, I came home and it took 2 hours for me to unwind enough to nap. The smell of Barbecue chicken woke me up about 3 hours ago. Now, back to bed I must go. Goodnight.

23 years later

Pearls and Dreams

"You'll thank me in 20 years! I promise!"

While this remains THE single most humiliating moment in my life ... I will probably get more laughs and guffs and feigned sympathy than I will true sympathy here. I've yet to find anyone in the last 23 years to truly feel sorry for me. Maybe it's in the telling.

So, it's spring of my senior year in high school. I'd moved to Oklahoma from Colorado. Now, remember, I'd only lived in Colorado for a short time to begin with, I'd grown up in California. I considered myself a "California Girl" at heart. (in all seriousness, still do!)I attended an extremely small Christian school. Even smaller than the Christian school that I attended in Colorado. Even though the town that I moved to in Oklahoma was significantly larger than either the town that I lived in Colorado OR Oklahoma ... the school, was smaller.

I didn't like the school once I started. But, I started in October of my Senior year. I'd already switched schools for the 4th time in a year. Not going to switch again ... time to just grin and bear it and get high school overwith. I had high grades and I could just get it behind me. Who cared if the teachers cared. Who cared if the administration obviously couldn't read a Bible ... I could. I didn't need them to tell me what Christianity was. I just needed the credits to graduate.

I managed to get through the year. Lots of tears and struggles ...and I'd spend many days wondering how they could call themselves a Christian school. When I found out years later that they'd been investigated for tax fraud and a few other illegal activities ... it didn't surprise me in the least. I was well aware of the lack of integrity in the environment. I had friends outside of school, and a good youth group ..and the singing group that I was in. I had a good spiritual foundation going. School, Christian or otherwise, didn't matter.

So, it's time for graduation, and I had no intention of following through with the ceremony. I hated that school. There was no way on earth I was going to walk down the isle and pretend to celebrate that place. My mother, had other ideas. Here is where I start to loose my foundation of empathy.

My mother was convinced that even though I hated the school, that I'd earned the right to graduate. That I'd worked hard and earned that 3.86 GPA (in the days before weighted GPA's and based on a sole 4.0) and that I had to walk down that platform and get my diploma! I'd regret it forever if I didn't! It wasn't about the school, it was about ME!

Yea huh? No ... Out of the 12 seniors in my class ... 2 of us were graduating! NOT WALKING MOM!!! Yes, dear, you will hate yourself if you don't!

Mom, I will hate you if I do!

No, dear ...you MUST! You simply MUST!

MOM! TWO PEOPLE!!!!! TWO >>> TEEEEE DOUBLE EWE OHH ... TWO !!!!

Honey, you really will thank me 20 years from now.

She wrote the check for my cap and gown rental.

So ... I am furious, but obviosly, I'm loosing this battle. I'm not used to loosing battles, but I've lost this one. At least I won't be embarrassed in front of a bunch of people . No one will be coming . My sister was getting married that summer There was no way that people were going to fly out for my graduation in May from a high school graduating TWO people ...and then come out for her wedding in July. Not even (especially) my real dad and my grandmother! It would be just my mom and sister and her fiance in the audience. No one would see this fiasco called a graduation

Problem.

My mom and sister had a problem with no one coming to my graduation.

Guys ... NO! NO! No one can come to this thing!!!


You'll thank me for it in 20 years! (getting the picture?)

The day before I graduated ... My sister got married.

My graduation ceremony had more relatives than the church had members!!!!! Heck, I had more people at my graduation than the school had students and FAMILY !!!

My brilliant mother not only invited my FAMILY ..but my youth group friends ..and my singing group friends!

You'll thank me for it in 20 years.

I get to the ceremony. They'd told us that we would have a special Keynote speaker. A Rhema Bible Training center Student.

I never dreamed that the humiliation could ever get any worse for this California girl. I mean, how much worse could it get than a graduation ceremony of TWO seniors out of Twelve (as if that isn't bad enough) ... and then ... my Father and step mother, brother, sister and her new husband, Mother, Aunt, Uncle, and 5 kids, and 18 friends .... come to see me graduate ....
How much worse could it possibly get?

Except the key note speaker ...




Yes, this California girl, grademutated with one other person, with THE Hillbilly as her keynote speaker ...

and when I hit the 20 year mark I informed my mother ... given my choice ... I'd have gotten my diploma from the office.
Other than having a story that amuses others ... it is STILL the most embarrasing moment of my life!!!!!!!

What kind of donut are you?

Pearls and Dreams

Funny, I don't like nuts!

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun. You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life... Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Freedom of the Sea

Pearls and Dreams

Listening to my favorite Christian band this day ... Phillips Craig and Dean ... something caught my attention in one of the song ...seemed aprropriate with last nights musings ...

Phillips Craig Dean Lyrics - Freedom of the Sea Lyrics

Standing on the shoreline, looking out to sea
At oceans of Your hopes for me, just beyond my reach
I've been here on this island for way too many years
A prisoner of my comfort, a slave to my own fear
Doubt is saying got to stay
Faith is saying sail away

CHORUS:
I know it's safe here on the shore
But freedom is worth dying for
Liberation comes to those
Who hear the truth and sail with you
I'll go where you are calling me I'll be what you meant me to be
I know the risk is real, but I wanna feel
The freedom of the sea

With eyes to the horizon, mist against my face
I'll leave behind this island in Your abounding grace
With Your word as my compass I'll chase my destiny
For I know the words of Your will can set my spirit free
Doubt is saying got to stay
Faith is saying sail away

CHORUS

Doubt is saying got to stay
But I'm taking up the anchor
Faith is saying sail away
And I'm heading for the deep

CHORUS

The freedom of the sea....
The freedom of the sea....

Facts & Fears

Pearls and Dreams

A year ago last June, I took a class called "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat" based on the book by John Orteg.

During the class, my pastor took his yearly journey to Anderson, Indiana to the Church of God's version of Mecca (sorry, bad joke). He needed someone to take his class as a substitute. My dear friend Ronda, who is a natural teacher, and would be the natural sub, was out of the class because her mother had died. No one else agreed. One lady was visiting. One lady was very shy, the other, her husband was even shier ... and I the other members were hit and miss, as well as absent that night. It fell, to me. My pastor reminded me that my previous classes spiritual testing showed 'teacher' in the waiting gifts. Personally ... I thought that it was an insane concept ... how it got in the waiting category ... was beyond me ...

I agreed. I swore he only gave me the book because was left with no other choice. The next Tuesday night, I was literally sleepless. My husband and children went fishing all night. I was home alone ... all night ... all sleepless night. At 3 am, I was awake ..and emailing my pastor's wife in Anderson saying that it was crazy that her husband had left me to do this task!

The visitor to our church that summer .. a pastor's wife. The shy couple, Bible College graduates. My friend (who would be back by then) was also a Bible college graduate. The couples that were in and out of the class as they could be there ... Bible college graduates. ME? Not only have I never been to Bible college, but I have only 26 college CREDITS of ANY college. Much less BIBLE college. I'm a nothing ... a stay at home, disabled, bottom of the social totem pole nobody who's going to be teaching a class of pastor's daughters, pastor's wives ... Bible college graduates!

I FREAKED out and panicked all night.
I went into church and went up to the classroom. A young girl was brought into the class, young woman actually. The girl was visiting our church having been referred by a pastor of another church. She'd grown up in a nearby town but didn't know anyone. She was unassuming and I was relieved. I wasn't going to be the only "plain person" ..then she started to tell me her history. My friend Cindy, who wasn't going to be in the class, but knew my panic, and knew WHAT the panic was about was sitting there listening to this girl tell her story. She talked about moving from Pryor to college ... MACU ... the CHOG college here in Oklahoma ...gee thanks God ...another Bible college person!

I got through the night. I taught my class of Bible college graduates on the book ""If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat"" and I survived. I stepped out of the water, I sunk a bit in panic, but Jesus held me through the storm.

I swore I'd never teach again! It was an experience I was not willing to live through. I wanted back in my hole in the back of the music office. Anonymous ... let my testimony stick to unseen service and words on a page ... teaching is not for me!

So here I am. It's approaching June a year later. I'm teaching a Women's Sunday school class ..and I love it. I love my class. I don't know so much that I love the teaching, that still kind of unnerves me, but I love to research and write the material that I teach. I love to present the material ... I wish I could present it a little smoother than I do. But I see my class loving each other. We're still together after these 9 months ... and loving each other. A couple in the class have REALLY grown this year. One girl in particular has been so fun to watch. She's been a member of the church for longer than me and she's just BLOSSOMED. We've bonded and really enjoy each other.

Ok, so that's the women's class. But then ...

I volunteered to help with the youth group for the summer. "I'd like to put your teaching gift into practice, I've wanted to do that for a long time!" HUH? I will be teaching the Junior High for the summer.

I am also going to be going to the Junior & Senior High camp ...and do a Writer's Workshop for the State Student Leadership.

In 11 months, I've gone from being petrified of teaching ... to teaching. I don't remember taking that second step out of the boat!

I'm so glad that Jesus was with me!

Wacky Wednesdays

Pearls and Dreams

Well, I haven't given a kitten update in quite a while. I think the last time I did, I told you that we'd settled on the name of Betsy. Well, Betsy turned out to be male ...then no one could agree on a name for about a week or 2. He remained nameless.

Apparently, a nameless cat isn't a good thing. Or an only kitten isn't a good thing. Something. Benjamin called him Freckles one day, and that stuck.

Since then he's adopted a couple nicknames to go with Freckles ... Freddy Freckles ... Freckles Krueger ... Freddy Krueger ... Jason ... Monster ... IT ... Mr. Violence ...

I have never seen such an aggressive little monster in all my life! He's determined to pierce my eyebrow! Or my nose. Not sure which one he's bound and determined to get done first. Geesh! Since he has no siblings to wrestle with ... we humans have become his siblings ...uh ...um ...hello?!?!?!?! Er ...uh ...we don't have CLAWS to fight back with!!!!

His mother, nor his Uncle Twitch have the patience to deal with him for long. He goes after them, they pick him up by the scruff of the neck and toss him. He then turns and runs directly toward one of the humans who he knows won't retaliate ... but will scream in fear.

When we first realized he was male, we were in shock, how could this beautiful, cute, cuddly adorable baby be a MALE ...he's too beautiful to be a male ...well, we can see it now! He's all boy ..rough ...tumble ...boy ... monster ... Freddy Kruger ... Freckles Krueger ...

Anyone wanna kitten? Cute, adorable ... hide when he comes! YIKES!

Ok ... a few days ago, I agreed to play along with a game from Jan's neurotic ramblings. Here's how it goes. If you want to play along, tell me in the comment section.

This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

Jan gave me the letter S

1. Salvation the best gift given to me by my savior.
2. Scared what I feel when I see my new kitten come running toward me!
3. String the best thing to have for jewelry ... string of pearls!
4. Serenity peacefulness ... a peace that I get from God, and from prayer, from knowing that God has me in his hand and that he's been faithful in the past and he will be again.
5. Seirra Nevada's Ahhh, home sweet home ... Yosemite National Park, sigh ... homesick again.
6. Sanctuary My favorite place to be on Sunday mornings, and my favorite place to spend a wednesday afternoon ... Sunday mornings, it's filled with people ... the church sanctuary is filled with my church family worshipping God. Wednesdays, it's just God and me as I sort through the music for the musicians and I pray for the upcoming worship service. Just God and I in that big empty room, a place of worship, a place to take sanctuary from the storms of life, and the wars of the world. Ps 77:13
Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?
7. Simple oh please, make things simple!
8. Samuel My 16 year old son!
9. Sons Two things that will drive me crazy, but I can't imagine life without!
10. Scripture My most precious resource.

Ok, now, if you want to play along, let me know in the comment section, and I will assign you a letter, then on your blog, you post 10 words with that letter and what those words mean to you.
Thanks Jan, this was more challenging than I thought it would be, but it was interesting too! You know, I don't think I've ever done a Meme without pulling my homesickness for Yosemite into it!!!

The Potter's Creation

Pearls and Dreams

by Peggikaye Eagler


Mirrors’ can be deceiving. Take a look into yours. What do you see? Make an honest inventory of what you see in your reflection. What does your nose look like? Are your lips too big or do they disappear when you smile? Is your chin sticking out too far? Is it receding? Are your eyebrows bushy or barely there? Do you like what you see? Study your reflection. Now STOP. Think about what God says about you. God made you exactly like he wanted you to be. He formed you and you are a beautiful reflection of his glorious imagination. He is the potter and is very proud to call you His handiwork.
This concept is not an easy one to grasp. For me, it seemed like a battle for my life to come around to accept this. And in effect, it has been the battle of my life.I have lived my whole life with the deep down belief that I was the exception to God’s Word. God promised that He loved each and every one of us. That He created us for His Glory. God loved us so much that He sacrificed His SON in a painful and excruciating death so that WE can enter into His Holy presence! I understood that I had the privilege of walking into His throne room and worshiping Him because I had accepted His son’s offer of salvation. But I still felt like I’d slipped into the privilege by default.
God is a sovereign God. He cannot go back on His word. So even though He made a mistake when He created Peggikaye, he still had to let her in with all the privileges that are offered to everyone else that accepted His son. But the other stuff . . . the pride of His Creation, the beauty of His imagination didn’t apply to me. So even though I was not good enough, I was allowed in because He had to let me in.
A few years ago my Sunday School Teacher and dear friend, Ronda, challenged our Sunday School class to have a spiritual goal for the year. I knew that other people did not share the opinion that I had of myself. I knew others saw me as God’s creation. So I set my goal to see myself through God’s eyes. I decided that I could not change the reflection in the mirror. God had to change that reflection for me. I knew that I’d grown in the Lord as much as I was going to grow until I saw myself through God’s eyes.
So I sat down and wrote God a letter asking Him to reveal myself to me. To break down the mask I had glued so tightly to myself that even I could not see past to the real me. I asked God to change my focus from what I thought I was seeing to what HE sees when He looks at me. I asked Him to give me the courage to take down the mask and let His glory be revealed through me. It was time that I see myself as God’s beloved child.

For a full year I felt like I made no progress in changing the opinion of myself. The next January rolled around and I still couldn’t stand the person staring back at me in the mirror. The first Sunday of the year our Pastor had us break into groups of 3 or 4 and pray for each others needs. I shared with my group my struggle to see what God sees. The lady in my group prayed for me. I can’t remember the words she prayed, but I remember the tone of voice, the gentleness and the genuine surprise that I saw myself that way. That day, praying there, the first cracks were made in my mask. The barriers were starting to be broken down. Piece by piece . . . it would start to crumble.
Ironically, the first thing God used to start to break my mask, was something I’d despised my whole life. My name. God quickly and persistently started to use my name to reveal what he thought of me. My name and it’s meaning were just the name that God meant for me to have. It was to be the thing that He would use to show His great love for me. My name means “Precious Pearl” or “Pure Gem” depending on the source. But no matter what language you look up the name under ... the basis is the same. Kaye (nickname for Kathleen) is either precious or pure or something along those lines. And Peggi (nickname for Margaret) is either pearl or gem. God was showing me that to Him, I was a pure and precious gemstone! So precious ... the gate to heaven was made of pearls!
I went to a women’s meeting one Saturday morning in March. I will never forget it. The special speaker was a friend of mine and she was sharing about how to take care of your jewelry and why jewelry was so precious to her. When she had been widowed God used

Isaiah 54:11-12
11 "O you afflicted one, Tossed with tempest, and not comforted, Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, And lay your foundations with sapphires. 12 I will make your pinnacles of rubies, Your gates of crystal, And all your walls of precious stones.
to touch her, to heal her. I was floored. Gems . . . gems are precious not only to humans, but to GOD! He saw these things as valuable creations and so ... could it be that I was named what He’d wanted me to be named to show me that I was indeed precious to Him?

Before I had a chance to let that fully sink in, our church had a prayer vigil. During the worship time, our Pastor’s wife, Carla, shared the story of how a pearl came to be a gem. How it started as a piece of dust that was an irritant, and how a coating would form around the dust, making it smooth, beautiful and precious. How as life struggles are presented, God uses those to form this protective coating and making us beautiful creations! I was floored. Ironically when I shared with Carla that her lesson had meant so much to me because of my name, she said she thought of me during the time she was sharing. And she hadn’t known my name meant pearl!
A few weeks later, my neighborhood had a neighborhood garage sale. My children went around and bought this and that. Things that boys will buy. The next morning was Mother’s Day and they presented me with the best thing they’d found ... a pearl necklace they’d bought for a quarter. The symbolism was lost on them, but not on me. I proudly wore it to church. A friend was looking at it, asked to see it. I took it off and as she examined the clasp she said “Peggi, this is REAL!” She told me what company had made it. And the pearls were in fact very real. God had seen to it that my children presented me with something that I needed! Precious Pearls!
I finally got it through my head that my name was something God planned especially for me. And as I started to accept that yes, God created me and loves me ... God started to place other things in my path besides my name. From songs to Bible verses, to sermons. Left and right God has shown me that I am HIS beloved child. And He wants me to shine for Him. How can I shine for Him if I am hiding behind the mask?
Shortly after, I was doing a Bible study on breaking free from strongholds that help to keep you down. Those strong holds that others can’t see, but God sees, and God so strongly desires you to put them at His feet in surrender. One of the things that keeps strongholds in our life is pride. I was thinking, well pride certainly isn’t my problem! It’s low self esteem that I have to struggle with. As I turned the page the author of that Bible study addressed that very issue! Low self esteem IS pride. Not pride like we Americans’ tend to look at it. But what is pride? Pride is self absorption is it not? While it was not phrased that way in the Bible study I realized that low self esteem is exactly that. It is refusing to see things the way that God intended you to see them, and dwelling on them as you think they are! So . . . my next step was to surrender that sense of pride, that self absorption that kept me from looking correctly into the mirror God wanted me to look in.
A few days later I was in church and we sang my favorite worship song. “The Potter’s Hand” has been a favorite of mine since the day I first heard it. But as we sang the song that morning, a realization struck me. God has taken the responsibility to mold me, to make me, to make me who He wants me to be. My responsibility is to take advantage of the opportunities that help me. My responsibility is to avail myself to the teachings, the friendships, and the tools that God has placed in my life to learn about Him and to draw closer to Him . God's responsibility is to mold me. To comfort me when I need comfort, strengthen me when I need strength and to guide me into the direction he wants me to go.
I look at my looks and personality and I cringe. I look at who I am and think ugh ... and yet... the things I don't like about me are things that I really cannot seem to change ... so if it needs to be changed ... is it my responsibility or God's.

We were singing that song and suddenly it dawned on me. My responsibility is to be moldable, to be the clay, to stay moist and pliable . . . so how do I do that. I read the Bible daily, pray daily, worship daily ... I take Bible study classes. I work at getting closer to God, work at getting closer to those around me, work at saturating myself with what God intends me to be saturated with. That will keep me moist and pliable in the Potter's Hand. Then it is the POTTER who is responsible for making me into the vessel that He wants me to be! My beauty is GOD's responsibility! WHO I am is my job only so far as doing what God has put for me to do. HIS job is molding me. HIS job is to make me. Mold me. To Fill me, to use me ... to MAKE ME.

I will not pretend that I have fully achieved my entire goal of seeing myself the way God wants me to see myself. But I have come far enough to remove some of the masks from myself. To reveal not only to others the real me, but to myself as I look in my mirror. I looked today as I was getting ready for church. You know what I saw? I saw eyes that are very blue. I saw hair that is multi colored brown. I saw a smile that is not too big and not too small. And I looked and said “God, thank you for making me the way you want me to be.” I don’t know that I’ve ever looked at myself and not wished something about me was different. But this morning, I saw why God is proud of me. I saw a creation of the Heavenly Father smiling back at me. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way. And I will forever be grateful that God is the potter who is molding me to be exactly what HE desires for me to be.

Legacy

Pearls and Dreams

It's Mother's Day that tends to make me think of Legacies ... for my mom, it wasn't her mom that taught her about love and graciousness, and God. It was her mother's Aunt Nan. I had the privilege of knowing Aunt Nan. She was a wonderful lady who died when I was 15.

She spent every year from the time she turned 89, until she died, 2 weeks before her 98th birthday saying she wasn't going to see the next age.
"I'm not going to see 90, I'm going to go see Jesus this year!"

She finally got to go home at almost 98 years of age. I was devastated when she went home ... at 15, I couldn't understand what a privilge it was for her. I do now. We still have an afghan that she crocheted for my mother. I don't do any kind of needle work, sewing or any kind of crafting ...except ..that one stitch. I can do the afghan stitch that my Great Great Aunt Nan taught me how to do. Happy Mother's Day Aunt Nan, and thank you for teaching my mom what love was.

Legacy

Her loving hands moved the yarn,
The needle going back and forth,
The verigated, earthtoned, threads,
Not everyone would see its worth.
From skeins of yarn in tight balls,
Spreads out with the love it shows,
The afghan keeps her legs warm,
Her heart warmed by the love she knows.

Mom's Great Aunt, whose love transcends,
From generation to generation,
Her crocheting hands remind us,
The kind of love that builds a nation.
The afghan is now slowly aging,
My mother washes it with love.
She remembers her Aunt fondly,
Now in heaven's glory above.

The afghan, beautiful and brown,
So warm and soft and cozy,
Snuggling under it's warmth,
Thoughts of Aunt Nan's heart, so rosy.
It's easy to remember,
The kindness of her sweet smile,
Feeling the love while reaching,
Through every year, across each mile.

Some day I hope to gain,
The afghan my mother treasures.
I knew and loved her Great Aunt, too.
Her love could never be measured.
If you took out each stitch,
And measured the time she took,
It wouldn't be enough to match,
The love she had in just one look.

The future,we don't know what holds,
But our past is knitted in care.
To remind us of her great love,
Our hearts will never be bare.
Someday I hope my mom gives me,
The love in the shape of the thread,
To warm not just my heart and soul,
But keep me warm inside my bed.


© Peggikaye Eagler

I'm here

Pearls and Dreams

Just a quick note to say I am here ... hanging around. My mood is excellent (as my friend Wanda could testify to, she saw me tonight) but my body for some reason doesn't want to agree with my mood.

It ISN'T from my behavior this time! I'm taking care of me. Blech!Guess that comes with the territory of being chronically ill.

I got really good news today. A couple of months ago, I submitted something I wrote on here to Focus on the Family ... and ...even though I sent them the wrong attachment (I sent them the one that was the exact copy/paste off of here ...not the one that I'd made some corrections in spelling and such) they've bought the story! YEA! I had the feeling they were going to. I told my small group 2 weeks ago that I thought they would, that the things of mine they'd rejected before they'd rejected much sooner, the things they'd bought, took longer for them to say yes. But then, it was 2 weeks later, and I still hadn't heard and I started to wonder if maybe it'd just gotten lost in cyber space.

Just when I was about to give up ... notice came! I'm so excited. This makes the 3rd thing that I've had published. The 4th thing they've said they wanted. (I really need to get that other article to the right editor! That's what is holding up the one article.)

I also found out that a friend who tried to retrieve my book off our first computer's hard drive, but failed ... just got some new software ..and was able to do so. Which means, I may actually get my devotional book to the publisher who was interested in it!

Funny how when it rains it pours ... even with blessings.

Now if I could get my joints and breast bone to pay attention to my mood ... (costrochondritis sucks!)

I've got some things brewing in my brain ...

Home Sweet Home ..well SOON!

Pearls and Dreams

Rumblebuffin

Pearls and Dreams

I have been a CS Lewis fan since I discovered the Chronicals of Narnia as a very young child. Second or Third grade. Everytime I read them, I discover something new. This last year, when the movie was coming out, I re read the Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, again ...for what was the probably the 25th time.

As I read through the whole book, my normal excitment, sorrow, and joy rose, fell and grew with the story. I cheered with Lucy and Edmund and Peter and Susan as they went on their journey. I cried with Aslan's death and I rejoiced when the stone table broke.

This time however ... I saw something new ... something I'd not read before. I'm sure, I've read it before ... I've read the books 25 times. But I'd never quite READ it before.

Lucy, Susan and Aslan had gone back to the white witches castle ...and he was breathing on the ice statue to bring them back to life. As he breathed, they would turn from white ice to colored life. They would start to dance, and to rejoice at their restored life.

Suddenly, Lucy and Susan stop in their tracks as they realize that Aslan is about to breath on someone or something that they don't think should be done.
Susan says "Do you think it's alright?" and before she can explain herself to Aslan, he breathes on the feet of the creature.

What Susan meant, of coarse, was that it wasn't a good idea. This creature wasn't an acceptable creature to be defrosted! How could he be? He wasn't 'acceptable' ... how could Aslan save HIM? WHY would Aslan WANT to save HIM? Wouldn't we all be better of if Aslan left his kind alone and leave him as ice?

But before she could explain this concept to Aslan, Aslan says "Oh, he'll be just fine, as soon as his feet are set right!" and Aslan went bounding off to breath life into the other ice statues.

The creature ... a giant. A BIG rumbling huge cross footed monster or a giant ...who carried a satchel and a club ... he was so clumsy that even his feet were crossed ... and he was HUGE.

The feet started to defrost and then slowly the giant defrosted ... it took much longer than the other creatures, because he was much bigger, and he carried baggage (satchel and club). Then, before he could dance with his fellow former statues, he'd need to set his feet right.
It took longer ... he was different ... but Aslan said "he'd be alright ...once his feet were set right!"

I read that ..and I suddenly was stunned ... "He'll be alright once his feet are set right ...

He's different.
He's got bigger problems.
He's got baggage.
He's got bigger feet.
He's got a different background than the others.
His feet are twisted.
He's got baggage!

But he'll be ok as soon as his feet are set right!

Turned out ...they had no way of getting out of the witches castle, and Rumblebuffin had to use his club to break down the gate ...

So this different giant ..the one with the feet turned the wrong way ... the one carrying the baggage ... was put to the service of Aslan ... used his baggage so to speak ... to help the followers of Aslan on the way to the battle.

I realized ...it's OK that I'm a bit different and quirky ...
Sometimes I get my feet a bit turned ... I'm not a typical person ...I come equipped with backage and don't have a normal background ... but Jesus has breathed life on me ...and he says I'll be ok as soon as I have my feet set right!

so, when you see me call my friend Wanda Rumblebuffin, or you see her call me that ...that's what we're talking about ... we're reminding ourselves that sometimes we might FEEL a bit different ... but we're OK ... and we still have a use in the Kingdom of God ... it might take us a bit longer, we might have baggage others don't have ...but we're going to be ok ...God has breathed life into us ... and he's helping us to turn our feet right!

For Amelia at Life Spacings

Pearls and Dreams

I wrote this, about the day that we found out that Benjamin's brain MRI came back abnormal, and his brain hadn't developed normal ...

God Shared My Tears



When my heart was breaking,
And desperation was taking hold,
You reached down as promised,
Keeping my heart from growing cold.




You didn't lecture me,
Telling me to stand strong.
You didn't say 'fear not,'
Or tell me my faith was wrong.




I told you my heart was hurting.
My son would struggle all his life.
I could not bear the pain,
I begged you to end my strife.




You looked into my crying eyes,
Telling me to look into your heart.
You showed me that you'd hurt too,
I wasn't alone from the start!




A mother's heart can take so much
A breaking point it will reach.
Father, you understand that point,
And give comfort you don't preach!




The pain I felt, you understood,
Your only son you watched die.
My pain for my child not unique,
You share my tears,
And together we cry.


© Peggikaye Eagler

I'm praying for you Amelia.

Lightbulb moment

Pearls and Dreams


I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss would
think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".


I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"


Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting.

Whew!

Pearls and Dreams

This morning was the Cantada. I knew that it was going to be a powerful 'performance'. I had no idea it was going to be as incredible as it was. How awesome.

We never once went from start to finish in practices. So, we never were quite sure of how it would go. When we do musicals, we never do that. Our director is quite the perfectionist. So, we knew how much she was trusting in God.

I can't say it went off without a hitch ...the music cut off during one of the solo's ..and he just kept going, and the sound technitions couldn't get it back on. So, he just went on with his narration. Then, we sang the rest of the song, acapella ...and it was the hardest song in the musical ...and it sounded SO much better than it had in any practice. Is that God or what?

My husband has never really gotten along well with my sister and her husband. Yet, when they said that those who had needs, could come to the alter to pray, and for the Southpark family to surround those that come in prayer, my sister and her husband (who don't go to our church) came up to pray. My husband came up behind them, to pray for them! Samuel and I, standing next to each other, grabbed each other's hands. It was amazing to see this man reach out in ministry and to my sister?! And all because of prayer!

I wish that I could put onto this blog this mornings service ..this is one area that the internet looses ...special moments like this morning.

I do have to say one thing. As well as it went ... I am glad it's over ..and I can go back to being behind the scenes ... I don't think I will be agreeing to sing again. Those days are behind me.

Regrets & Confirmation

Pearls and Dreams

Tonight, I went to a friends graduation from Junior college. 37 years old, and getting her associates in accounting. She and I have both talked about the fact that we made poor decisions right out of high school to not go to college. While she struggles academically far more than I do, or did, she still could have gone to college fairly easily.

My reasons were of fear and stubborness. Hers were of pure fear. I had a full 4 year, full ride scholarship offered ... and didn't take it. She didn't even apply.

When I graduated high school, I had a skill. An employable skill. While I didn't use it to get a job, I could have. I did do it volunteering in church. When I moved back to Colorado, I did substitute for a friend in the University (and got a job offer from the University ...get certified, our expense, you have a job!)

I didn't do it.
My skill? Interpreting for the deaf. My reason? I didn't think I could pass the test. This wasn't stubborness ..this one was fear. Pure fear. Every certified interpreter I knew was over the age of 25. I was all of 18. How in the world could I have the skills necessary to pass the test? Are they nuts? Besides, you have to reverse interpret too ..and I'm not near as good at reading sign as signing.

I moved back to Oklahoma ...and we (a friend and I) started a deaf ministry and sign (to music) ministry at our church. Soon, a certified interpreter found us, and started to come. She encouraged me to get certified. At the time, I could get a lifetime (with the need for retesting,but as long as I continued to pass the test, or could re test, I'd be certified...the rules at time of certification would remain in play)certification. I, again, looked at all the certified interpreters I knew. I was 19 ... no way!

No way could I be good enough!

So, life went on. I didn't become certified and life took me down twists and turns I did not expect.

At the age of 23, I realized the drastic mistake I'd made with college. I entered the junior college my friend just graduated from. I became a special education major, emphasis on deaf education. They tried to convince me to enter the interpreter training program instead. It was only 2 years, I could become certified right away, and get my degree after, and then the college would allow me to teach classes while paying for my education while I finished my education to become a certified interpreter's instructor.

No! Not me! I'm not 'old enough' not mature enough ..not ...enough.

24, the day my son was born ... I got sick. My muscles stopped working right ...and my life became about survival. Interpreting, signing and everything pretty much took a backseat. Figuring out how to live with my disease became the task of the day. I honestly didn't know if I'd ever sign again.

By the time I was 32, I started to sign again. To music, not interpret. I knew I didn't have the endurance (and don't) for interpreting. I was surprised, after a few years not of signing, how quickly it came back to me ... immediate and complete.

A couple of years ago, the interpreting started to make me think ... obviously, I can't do it full time. I couldn't do it dependably ... I can't depend on my health ..but maybe for an hour, here, there ..as a substitute? What if I got certified?

So, I checked into it. WHOOPS. Now, it is a degreed position. You have to have an associates degree. So, Don and I talked. Is it worth paying for a degree to do something that you know how to do ... to do something that you can't earn a living at, to do as almost a 'hobby' ... it seems like a big risk if you don't think you can pay back the degree. (I also checked into seeing how many of the sign classes I could test out of to save on the cost of the degree ...zero, it's a tracked program, I'd have to take sign 1 ...uh, no thank you)

A year ago, a man who was deaf came to our church. They asked me to interpret. I, told him it'd been almost 17 years since I'd interpreted ... but I'd try. I sat in shock, as I interpreted that Sunday. My pastor can talk rather quickly and wildly ...and yet. I didn't loose any interpreters skills. I joke that I think in sign language. I must, more than I thought.

So, it still bugged me. I can still interpret. Well. I haven't lost a bit of my skill without using it in 17 years. I'd seen certified interpreters over the years and understood why everyone was pushing me as an 18 year old to get certified. I definitely could have passed the test.

Should I swallow the umph and take the sign classes I could teach. Should I pay the money I might not be able to earn ..to get the certification I should have gotten ...

I go to the graduation tonight ..and 2 of the instructors are interpreting ... and I watch ... and I'm stunned.
I have my answer.
The number of mistakes made ... was absurd to say the least. My friend said she sat down there telling her friends that her friend was better than those two interpreters. She asked those that she was sitting with if they were student intpreters. No one knew. She knew by watching ... I'd done better at 17 years rusty.

So, I felt two very strong emotions tonight ... confirmation that I don't need to be paying for a degree that I can't earn to pay back ...to be taught by people who I know more than.

And regret ... that blasted regret for the decision I made at 19 ..for not listening to the wise counsel, for not believing in myself ... for not understanding that God doesn't call the equipped but equips the called and he'd equipped me.

I have my answer for what to do now. Especially with the tremors and joint pain. But the regret ... oh boy ...if you're young and reading this ...and someone tells you that you're good at something ..and to reach for the gold ring ... reach out ...grab it! The worst you can do is miss!
Dreams

Dreams went to the back seat,
As life took on its own sad beat.
Running from here to there,
Everything overwhelms me with care,
Time takes it’s toll of life,
On top of pain comes the strife.
Dreaming seems too distant,
Reality tells me that I can’t,
Everything works against me,
Abba says “Time to look and see,
My heart I gave, so you could live,
Abundant life is my joy to give!”
Growing, changing every chance,
Alive again with dreams to dance,
In Christ, I live to share His hope,
No longer looking to self to cope!




© 2003 Peggikaye Eagler

MeMe tagged by D

Pearls and Dreams

A couple of things from The Journey

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

And, she tagged me the other day, and I had to post about my house, so, here is the I AM MeME ....
I (A Meme)


I AM: A Mother, Wife, Friend, lay minister and growing.
I WANT: To continue writing and to minister to hurting women
I WISH: my writing was easier to get published.

I HATE: being tired and sore.

I LOVE: my kids!

I MISS: YOSEMITE
I FEAR: that I will never fully recover, and that somewhere along the line, I will drop the ball, and never complete what I've started in ministry.

I HEAR: God talking to me:).

I WONDER: why I am so afraid when I can hear God talking to me.
I REGRET: many things, mostly, settling for the easy, and not doing the challenging thing, for fear of what people would say.
I AM NOT: liking the memories that are forcing themselves on me.

I DANCE:with my sons in the kitchen ... and with the cats in the kitchen.
I SING: in the choir ...until Sunday, then I go back to just singing with the worship team during practice. This is my LAST singing event. Whether our worship pastor likes it or not. I'm her assistant from now on.
I CRY: what's that?
I AM NOT ALWAYS: as flexible as I appear to be.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: words
I WRITE: My blog, poetry, and occassionally, I even sell an article here or there.
I CONFUSE: pushing through the pain, taking care of myself
I NEED: To find a balance in self care so that I don't flare the autoimmune stuff so much.
I SHOULD: let the memories do what they need to do (blech!)
I START: sorting through 17 years of belongings that we've accumulated since our last move for our move that will take place sometime in the next 5 months.
I FINISH: hmmmm my coffee

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

Praying

Pearls and Dreams
Somebody's Praying Me Through

Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That's why I know it's gonna be alright
'Cause somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through
It may be my Mother, it might be my Dad
Or an old friend I've forgot I had
But whoever it is I'm so glad that
Somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through
Through the tears, through the rain
Through the sorrow, through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again
So when you're drowning in a sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause somebody's praying you through
Somebody's praying you through
Someone got down on their knees and prayed for me
Somebody's, somebody's praying you through

Written by Darrell R. Brown and Ty Lacy
© 2002 Almo Music Corp/Original Bliss Music (ASCAP) administered by Universal Music Group and Ariose Music (ASCAP) administered by EMI Christian Music Publishing.

Somebody's Praying Me Through
Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That's why I know it's gonna be alright
'Cause somebody's praying me through
When I had to work those hours of sweat equity, but I knew that I'd spend the next 4 days in bed because of it. I knew, it was going to be ok ... because someone was praying.



Somebody's praying me through
It may be my Mother, it might be my Dad
Or an old friend I've forgot I had
But whoever it is I'm so glad that
Somebody's praying me through
I knew that my mom, my dad, my sister, my small group, my worship team, my prayer partners, my blog friends, my email friends, that I had people I didn't even know all over the world praying for me ... that I was going to make it, even when it was too much. When they changed the rules they shouldn't have changed. When things didn't seem fair ... when the road was cloudy ..when it was too much ... when I wasn't enough ... Someone was praying, and I knew that ... I was prayed through.



Somebody's praying me through
Through the tears, through the rain
Through the sorrow, through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again
August, 104*, I had 117 hours left. My classmates were getting their houses. I needed to do this, but I was so sick from just working 4 hours ...how was I going to do this ... and God brings a song on the radio that reminds me that people are praying for me. "You can borrow mine, when your faith is low, you can borrow mine" I'm not alone, people are praying ... I can do this. In my weakness, HE is made strong.

So when you're drowning in a sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse Last night at dinner, Samuel said this was the most profound verse in the whole musical ... how many times did I come home in pain, physical pain from the hours I'd put in. I'd spend 4 hours working, and 4 days in bed recovering ... How many times did the conflict with Habitat put us at our wits end ? How many times did we think that we were drowning in the sea of dispair at how this was going to work out. How many times did the blessing push back the curse ... because of the prayers! The prayers that prayed us through!
'Cause somebody's praying you through
Somebody's praying you through
Someone got down on their knees and prayed for me
Somebody's, somebody's praying you through



Written by Darrell R. Brown and Ty Lacy
© 2002 Almo Music Corp/Original Bliss Music (ASCAP) administered by Universal Music Group and Ariose Music (ASCAP) administered by EMI Christian Music Publishing.

Requirements

Pearls and Dreams

I thought I'd put a quick post about the requirements we had to fulfill.

*You have to put $50 a month on the FIRST for 10 months for the escrow account.
*500 hours of volunteer work to Habitat for Sweat Equity.
*A 10 month class of Money Management class. Two nights a month. With homework.
*A will is required.
*30 year interest free mortgageYou buy the house from Habitat who finances the house with an interest free mortgage. The purchase price of the house is fair market value for the house. The only difference in the cost of the house is that there is no interest in the loan (which is HUGE).
You must pass a credit check, however, if you are on the borderline, when you take the credit check, then when you take the money management class, they will help you get it straightened out.

There is no grace in their requirements. Minimum of 15 hours of sweat equity a month ... you get one month that you don't meet it ...and the second month you're out of the program. Not 2 months in a row, 2 months in the whole time you're getting your 450 hours. 15 hours doesn't seem like much on paper. But, when you're sick, and it's not easy to find that 15 hours to give. I found out doing the sweat equity just exactly why it is that I'm on disability.

If your escrow payment is not in by midnight on the first, it will be refunded, and you start the 10 month over again. When my mom was in the hospital on November 1st, we remembered the payment at 2 AM on the 2nd of November. We were surprised when the check for May through November's escrow account was refunded to us and we had to begin our 10 month process over again in December. It was 2 AM ..just 2 hours late, and before office hours opened, and with definite reasons to explain. Not good enough.

If you miss more than 2 money management classes you were out. You'd have to start those over again. While I didn't miss any of them (and I was quite sick in some of them.) there was one lady that had surgery and had to start them over 3 times. She, like me, has many health problems and has had to go through the process through the skin of her teeth and prayers of her friends. She'd miss three classes because of medical reasons, and have to start over again. She finally made it through when she took the class with me.


There was nothing easy about getting through the program. When we saw the requirements on paper, it didn't seem that difficult. However, going through it, I understand why the executive director said that no person who gets a Habitat House is given a thing, they've worked for every nail, layer of pain and pc of sheet rock that they will own.

Habitat Journey

Pearls and Dreams
2 years ago, we started on a journey to get a house. It has been anything but easy. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. It's challenged us and caused untold stress in our lives. It has caused us to dig into scripture, to think about forgiveness in ways we'd never had to ...and it's caused us to pray in ways that we'd never had to before.

The physical battle for this house was intense. We applied for a house through Habitat for Humanity. To get a house through Habitat, you have to earn the house as well as pay for it. Habitat does not GIVE anyone a house (well, they might be giving them to the Katrina survivors, but that's different). Those who get houses through Habitat BUY the houses and work for them.

Habitat finances the mortgages for the homeowners, and the homeowners must do sweat equity before they can get the house. In order to take ownership of the house, they must work for 500 hours for Habitat. Before they will build the house, you must put in 450 of those hours, with the last 50 on your own house. Only the people's names going on the title may do the sweat equity. The children of the homeowners may only give sweat equity in the form of school grades. So, the adults who will own the house, will do all of the work. If you have a healthy body, this is a formidable task. If your body doesn't work right ... it is an incredibly difficult task.

We entered the program in May 2004. We were in a class of 12 families. Those 12 families all finished the program and were in their houses by the end of October 2005. Now, once you finish your sweat equity, it takes a few months to get into your house. One girl I knew, finished in February, and moved in in October, her wall raising was in late August.

Because of my health issues ... I moved at a much slower pace than my classmates. I'd get sick and there were months that I got in the absolute minimum. 15 hours only. There was one month that I only got 14 in, and we got a warning, that if we did it again, we'd be out of the program.

I was physically struggling to get the hours done. My small group was praying, the worship team was praying, the youth group was praying ... people were praying us through!

In February, 2005, Don was in the ER the last Day of Feburary, and we only had in 9 hours. I was scheduled to work in the office. I had to work in the office while my husband was in the ER and being admitted to the hospital...because it was either stay with Don and loose the house ...or go and do the hours. They kindly told me to go stay and work. When I told them the number of hours I had, they said that it was ok. When I told them I'd already had one month with only 14 hours they said "well, you better stay then."

The hours were difficult, I became sick more than once. I almost wound up in the hospital a few times during the summer.

It was exhausting, and tiring and discouraging as I watched classmate after classmate get their house while my hours slowly got marked off.

My small group prayed. The worship team prayed. The youth group prayed. My prayer partners prayed. People were praying us through.

The whole time, Habitat knew we'd planned on building in Broken Arrow. At no time, did we ever indicate that this was an option for us. It was a necessity for us, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually. Because of the location of our church, our family, our doctors and our friends.

Habitat however was building only in 2 neighborhoods in North and West Tulsa ... 25 to 30 miles from anything accessible to us.

My small group prayed. The worship team prayed. The youth group prayed. My prayer partners prayed. People were praying us through.

We finally finished the 450 in October of 2005. November 2, 2005, we recieved a message that although they knew that we'd planned on building in Broken Arrow, they would not be building in Broken Arrow and we needed to pick a lot in North or West Tulsa. We had 3 months to pick a lot or be out of the program. We prayed for 4 weeks, then had our friend who was on the Broken Arrow City Counsel go ahead with our plans for lot donation. What could it hurt if they donated it?

We were devastated.

Our prayer teams went into high prayer gear.

5 days before the 3 month limit was up and we recieved a registered letter ... they'd changed their minds, however, they would not build it in 2006. Because of financing restrictions (an agreement made with the city of tulsa to revitalize the city of tulsa) they would have to wait till 2007.

So, we could go to Broken Arrow. But we'd have to wait. So, the rule of you get your house in order of finishing your sweat equity was out the window, but we'd be where we needed to be!

As it stood, 12 people who finished their sweat equity AFTER us.

My small group prayed. The worship team prayed. The youth group prayed. My prayer partners prayed. People were praying us through.

This morning, 6 months from the day of getting the call that we'd not be able to go to Broken Arrow, 2 years from starting the program ... we got a call ...

Things are moving on our lot ...

They are getting it ready to build. They have the financing. They don't know when they will be building ...but they don't think it will be this spring, it will be on the fall build. How quickly it will be determined by the sponsors they get to build. We WILL be in our house before Thanksgiving, 2006.

People prayed. This house will be a house built on prayer! Sunday, my church choir is singing a musical called Somebody's praying me through ... and I don't know how I'm going to get through it ... because ... Somebody truely prayed us through!

Name Acronymn

Pearls and Dreams

P	Plain
E	Eccentric
G	Good
G	Gloomy
I	Influential
K	Kinky
A	Astounding
Y	Young
E	Extreme
E	Edgy
A	Adventurous
G	Good
L	Luscious
E	Emotional
R	Responsible

Name'>http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.php">Name / Username:

Name'>http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.php">Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Swamp Plant And Cactus, Revisited

Pearls and Dreams

Today is May 1st, Blogging Against Disabilism Day.

I tried to decide if I'd write about me, my husband, my mother or my kids. After contemplating all day. I've decided to take the easy way out and repost a post I'd written before. One about my kids. Not because it was the easy way to go, but because it is so profound in the way we live our lives as a family.

(if the pictures don't come out, I'll fix them when I come home, right now I have to take the swamp plant to a friends concert!)

A Swamp Plant & A Cactus

Pearls and Dreams

A friend asked me to tell the story of my sons and their Tourette's Syndrome. After thinking about it for a few days, I have decided to do just that.

I have two sons Samuel & Benjamin


Samuel is 16 years old, wait, as of last month , he was 16 1/2 .Samuel, is quite gifted, he has the diagnosis' of
OCD/TS/ADHD


Benjamin is 14, has a lower than normal IQ (78), and has a diagnosis of ADHD/TS/OCD/APD/VPD/SID + 2 brain malformations .. Arnold Chiari Malformation type 1 (uncorrected) & Bifrontal lobe atrophy (lack of tissue, not degeneration of tissue)


Now, for those who don't know what that alphabet soup stands for, I will add the interpretation.
ADHD = Attention Deficiet with Hyperactivity Disorder
TS= Tourette's Syndrome
OCD = Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
APD = Auditory Processing Disorder
VPD = Visual Processing Disorder
SID = Sensory Integration Dysfunction


Samuel's OCD is far worse than any of his others, Benjamin's ADHD is his worse. Both boys have moderate TS, that is fairly well controlled with medications. (although, they are not light weight medications.)

Life with these two is quite interesting. I have had times where I have realized that their disorders have manifested in dramatically different ways ... and those are polar opposite ways ... and they collide. When Benjamin gets overwhelmed, he must have quiet. MUST. When Samuel gets overwhelmed, he must talk, tic, be vocal, noisy active. We live in a 2 bedroom, 3 room mobile home.
When both boys are overwhelmed ... it's quite interesting ..one needs the outlet of making noise, the other has to have it quiet. The more noise Samuel makes the more upset Benjamin becomes, the more upset Benjamin becomes, the more it causes anxiety for Samuel ... the more anxiety Samuel is under, the more he must make noise, the more noise he makes, the more it causes anxiety for Benjamin and it just works it's way to a nice little explosion.

Benjamin's tics are fairly quiet & benign ... facial tics, leg movements (although, the leg kicking one about got him in trouble in 4th grade till he figured out how to tell kids it was happening)
He aslo makes sinus sounds, and throat clearing and this weird clicking sound in his throat. His worst tic ... lip licking. It sounds so benign, but the poor kid seems to almost always have chapped lips!
Before he was diagnosed with the TS, he was going through massive testing on his sinus'. He'd had an MRI, CT scan, xrays, been to 2 ENT's and the pediatrician and I were at our wits end trying to figure out how to help this poor kid who couldn't breath well enough so he had chapped lips all the time and couldn't stop sniffing & coughing. the tics started, he already had a neuro, and they started him on a medication for the tics. I called the pediatrician about 4 days later and said "Doc, you'll never guess what, the sinus stuff is gone!" He just said "TIC!"

Samuel's tics on the other hand ... are annoying and he thouroughly enjoys the annoying nature of his tics. I think, if I could stop reacting, he'd probably enjoy them less. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. He makes animal sounds, he says senseless words, he also makes sinus sounds and throat clearing. He claps, he snaps, he taps ... while I do sometimes see the facial tics and neck moving tics ... mostly, they are vocal tics.

He also cannot seem to talk without an accent. Now, if we didn't living in Oklahoma ... but lived in Boston, or NY, or London, or Ireland or anywhere else he happens to be using the accent for ...it might be ok. But, we don't. I have never been able to figure out if this is an OCD thing or a Tic thing. I did not think it was related, he swore it was. The neuro said "yes, as a matter of fact, accents can in fact be either an obbsession or a tic" GREAT!

Benjamin's disorders are best handled by as little pressure as possible. When he was little, he would not eat if you put a whole plate in front of him. We could get him to eat a whole meal, but we had to give it to him in thirds. (he also had to have three food items on his plate, still does ... problem is, now he thinks he should still be allowed to have thirds with a full plate for each serving ...um ... noooooooooo). If you need him to do 20 math problems, you give him 10, let him finish those, and then give him the other 10. Give him the whole 20, he won't get but 1 or 2 done.

Samuel's disorders are best handled by having all the pressure, all the expectations all the structure possible up front. If you give him 10 math problems, then try to give him 10 more, he's going to get very upset because you only gave him 10. You have to lay out EVERYTHING you expect him to do, up front and clear and consice. It is better to give him more, and back down, than to give it to him in bits and pieces.

Benjamin needs tight structure in order to learn. He needs quiet, he needs it organized and well thought out. He needs time to complete it without pressure of a time limit. Tell him he has 5 minutes to do something and he can't start it. Just tell him to do it, and he'll get it done in 4 minutes. Everything has to be done with in these strict models of efficiency that seem to make sense only inside his brain ...but they work and they work well.

Samuel needs loose structure in order to learn. Lay it all out. Stick him in the middle of a crowded noisy room with a list of things he needs to get done and the time he's to have each one done ..and it will be done accurately and on time. Tell him it's due when he's finished, and he will never finish it. He needs the time limit. He needs the chaos to tune out. He needs to organize it within his own mind in a way that makes sense only inside his brain ... but it works ... and it works well.

I came to the conclusion a few years ago when dealing with these two kids. While most parents have kids who are vastly different, when you throw the mix of disorders/mental illnesses into the mix ... it gets quite interesting and is a balancing act that would make Barnum & Bailey jealous if you could succeed.
But I realized I was raising these two kids and it was like raising a swamp plant & a cactus in the same planter. One needs careful nurturing, water, attention ... the other needs little water and don't get too close, prefers to be further away from other plants ...

My life ... raising the swamp plant and cactus ... the cool thing ... I get to watch these two bloom!