Pearls and Dreams
I have watched my friend go through a weekend of what some people would describe as an emotional crisis. They would see having to go into a psychiatric ward as a negative and then write off the person as weak. I am watching my friend and standing back in complete awe and amazed at her strength. My respect, that was already more than she could imagine, has increased.
I have watched, as her compassion for those around her grows. Her heart for the hurting and her tenderness eeks out of her. She's in there ...and she takes the time from her visit to make sure the man in the wheelchair can get to where he's going.
It was snack time, she desperately needed some caffiene, her other friend had brought her some pop, but her desire for her relationships ...overrode her desire for her diet coke ..that she could only get at certain times. Trust me, I'd have gotten up and gotten the pop! (If it were coffee, my addiction is coffee)
I watch her handle this ..and I stand back amazed. Her faith remains strongly intact. Her love for her friends ..strong as ever. Her spiritual goals increase. Her life goals, become firmer and clearer.
Is she happy to be where she is? No. Is she content to do the process ...yes. She is willing to do what it takes to get to be where she needs to be.
Including talk about difficult situations. She and I talked about that by phone tonight. We talked about her openness and my lack of it. The fact that she has more than one person who she can tell anything to. Not many, but more than one. She has a support team. She has not only a team of people who are willing to listen to anything, but she has a few people she's willing to tell anything to. She does. She's forming relationships ...she's doing the hard work ... and she's growing ..even in the painful parts ..and her trust is growing.
I stand back and I wonder what would it be like to have more than one person whom you could tell anything to. What would it be like to have ONE person that you could tell anything to. Do I have a person that would be willing to listen? Yes. I probably have several whom I could trust ... who would be willing to listen. Wanda, would be one of them. But, I don't talk. The support system is there ..but I don't build that bridge ... I let the fear that I will overwhelm them with my life keep me from opening up.
I can remember being in high school and starting to share my pain of what people DID know ...and people either crying, or telling me it was too much ... and I couldn't handle either reaction. So, I soon learned my life was too much. My pain was too much for others to bear ..and I turned it inward. Soon, I stopped feeling it myself.
I've made so much progress in the last several years ..and yet I've felt that I've come to a plataue emotionally and what in the world is stopping me ... and yet I know what it is ... I've grown myself as far as I can ...it's the relationships that are required now ...the building real relationships ... the letting people in ... and I watch Wanda do it ..and I admire her so. She might be in a place that most people see as for the weak. But I tell you what ... I've never seen someone as strong!