Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Friday, May 26, 2006

Contemplation: Personal experience and mercy

Pearls and Dreams

Today, Oklahoma is considering a law. Execution of sexual offenders.

I don't know the steps from here. It's passed the house, now onto the senate. From here, I guess to the governor's office. I don't know if this is one the state will have to vote on or not.

This has my heart and brain warring probably more than any legal issue of my lifetime. Questioning ...

Get them ... mow 'm down! They deserve it! But wait ... what about my uncle? Yea, I don't write about him here. Or that part of my life ...who would want to do that? It's one thing to admit that you've been a victim. People don't like to admit that they know someone who's done this to someone. It's horrendous to admit that they might have been friends with someone who did. It's devastating to admit that you're divorced from someone who did. But to admit that you're blood related ...and you love that person ... how do you do that? How does that love for that person stop when you're 37 before you find out about it?

So, you just don't talk about it and you hope no one finds out, and you just pray for the person. Then laws like this come up ...and you have to start to question.

The anger at people who do this sort of thing comes easy ... but then you stop and realize ...you dearly love one of these creeps. One of these monsters. You pray daily for his salvation ...for his repentance ...for him to accept responsibility in what he did to his foster sons. You pray for him to stop blaming what was done to him ..and take realize it was his own decisions and he had choices. But, the love is still there ...which is why you want him to make the choice to repent so badly... to be the man he was created to be.

This uncle will never be the neighborhood registered offender. He's never getting out of prison. He's too old ..and his sentence is too long. There is some comfort to the family in this, at least as long as he's unrepentant and blaming his molestor. (yes, I know who the molestor was) As long as it was not his fault, he belongs right where he is. Even if he accepts responsibility and Christ, he still belongs where he is.

But death?

And are my questions about this there because I know and love someone ... would I even have a question ...if not for an uncle whom I love? Would I have any compassion or mercy if not for someone I love?

I can't help but think that if he had a death sentence on his head ..he'd not have time to find Christ ... he needs that time.

Does God intend for us to use those experiences in our live to give us mercy and compassion on others ... are we supposed to use those situations to balance out our anger?

I don't really want to have mercy and compassion for these perpetrators ... but then ... I see my uncle ...


  1. I was very young when I was a victim of incest. I desperately loved my attacker then and still do, although not desperately.

    Incest cannot be cured, but the pain can ease with time and therapy.

    Forgiving may be an integral part of that recovery. Or not, I guess. You know that you are not alone; surely you know that God has put you in touch with many who truly share your pain. Hope it helps.

    Love you, Pearlie.

  2. BTW, I was 30 and was dealing with terrible physical and mental problems when it came out in therapy. I both thought I was nuts, and felt an enormous relief to realize that I wasn't crazy.

    The human mind and heart are weird and wonderful things, eh?


  3. Pb, I'm so sorry.

    He didn't molest me, he molested his foster children. Which sent us all into shock when we found out.

    He was a classic molester however ... pillar of the community, foster parent, boyscout leader ...everyone loved him ..kids and parents alike...someone no one would suspect ...

    We were never allowed to stay with him when we were young. Which, in hind sight, makes me wonder what my dad knew, or suspected about his brother. We weren't even allowed in a room alone.

    My Dad always talked about his brother as if he was the hero of the universe, yet wouldn't leave us alone with him. It was weird, when I started to face some of this stuff ..and let myself FEEL it ... and be the relative of him... the comments of my dad, the experiences ..the inconsistencies that came out.

    just weird.


  4. We had a family molestor- he molested his own children, molested and took my sister of 2 ( she was on the back of milk cartons) and then thru the good ol boy club of the olkahoma justice system got custody of my neice and nephew and molested my neice from age 5-12 til the school got involved and they were given back to my sister. When he passed I rejoiced. He will never hurt another child again. I have also inadvertantly dated a couple men that I found out later were molestors. Your uncle will never get another chance to hurt anyone. I can understand how you feel. Personally I will never be on a jury that votes death penalty for anyone. I dont want the responsiblity. But I do think that something has to be done to assure that these guys NEVER get another chance to do it again. What the answer is I dont know. But I am sorry for your pain on the issue

  5. that was supposed to be sister of 12 not 2

  6. pk, when I was 17 I was babysitting for a little girl that was 8. She said things about her Dad that just didn't settle right with me. Even at 17 I knew something was wrong in this house. She would refer to her Dad using pet names, like we would use when talking about a boyfriend. "Daddy's my little popcorn honey bunch" for an example. One day she told me that "Daddy" did all these things to her. You wouldn't believe it if I repeated what all she said. but the worst was that her little mind had been more damaged than any other part of her. She thought she was "in love" with daddy, and not in the way that little girls are suppose to love their dads.. She couldn't ever tell what he had done because then "they" would take him away and it would be her fault.

    What was I supposed to do with all this information? I told my mom, who took over and notified child protective services. They removed him from the house and he spent a "few" days in jail. The prosecutor refused to prosecute him because there were no witnesses to the crime. Do men have witnesses around when they are doing this to their own child? God, I couldn't believe it. Ultimately he did this again but to someone elses's child. Thats just the one anyone knows about. Most likely there were more. He was sent to prison and died there.

    This little girl really never recovered from what happened to her. I can't have any sympathy for these men whatsoever. They are the worst of the worst. I'm sorry your family has had to go through this.You have been though so much. I also don't have the answer, for you.

  7. have no clear thinking on this one but will blog about something someone else wrote in a few days time. You wrote your thoughts here so well thanks.

  8. We have extremely mixed, confused feelings about this too. Two things strike me in your post. It is more common then you know for memories to not surface until many, many years later...Sera didn't start having them until she was 34...and had already been in therapy for over a year. And actually, she didn't start remembering, we started telling her.

    The other thing is that the loving them still is very common too. It's actually one of the biggest issues with young children who are molested by family members. One of the reasons for the repression of the memories. "I love him/her, he/she wouldn't hurt me...so this isn't wrong/I won;t remember/it's a dream/I'm bad, it's my fault" etc etc etc.

  9. I understand what you're saying. My relationship with my uncle had a couple of componants that made it unique ... 1, it was built through letters ... I phyiscally met him 4 times in my life. I was never in my life left in a room with him.

    When he came to my brother's wedding, I didn't even recognize him. He knew me, from pictures. Now, when he told me who he was, I was able to jump right into a conversation with him, because we'd exchanged letters my whole life. We knew each other ... but through mail. Then through email after the internet came into existence until his arrest in 2001.

    He also molested boys, rather than girls. My younger brother,while never left in his house ...had more contact (I did not live with my dad, my brother is half brother, Dad and step moms) sometimes, I wonder ... my brother would say no ..my dad would say no, my step mom would say no ..and probably all in all honesty of what they think. But, I would still wonder.

    But, Dad never let my brother stay at his house, and my step mom never let my brother (or I the few times I DID go) alone in a room ...

    Never thought a thing about it ... until this last summer ... but I spent my whole life with my dad telling me what a wonderful, respectful man his brother was. Ok, so why did you never take me to visit him? Why did you only allow me to have mail contact with him? Why did you not EVER invite him to your house? Why did you not allow us to be alone with him? Why was it, that he invited your children to visit him for extended stays, and you refused to allow it?

    I sat through hours of stories of the tales of the honors of this man ... and yet, was severly limited in the physical contact of the man. I had a relationhsip with him ... But ... built very much like the ones I have with my cyber friends ... just it was blood relative and started in my childhood.

  10. Ok I waited so long to post on this one because I have mixed feelings... No I don't nessarily agree with death as a punishment, but I do agree that the goverment must start cracking down on this. Some offenders will be convicted and walk away after six months in jail and its just not right. Perhaps if we had stiffer penalities for this crime people would start thinking twice before commiting the crime. Its not fair to the victims that they just walke away unscathed while the victims have a lifetime of fears and terrors to overcome. Its not right.