Pearls and Dreams
I finished my leadership class last Wednesday night and started a new class tonight. This one is about Peter getting out of the boat during the storm and walking on the water with Jesus. Basically, it's not about how he sank after a step or two (what most people focus on when they preach on it) but ..on how he actually managed to step out of the boat ...who CARES if he sunk after a step or two! HE got out of the boat!
So, the questioned was asked ... 'what is keeping you in the boat?' Why are you a 'boat potato?'
They give the choices of spouses, bosses, low expectations, lack of education ... all kinds of things.
I could blame my husband ... he doesn't like me doing much of anything that he's not the center of. I could blame my health ..that'd be an EASY one ... I could blame being the mother of two teenaged boys ..that'd be easy. Throw in their Tourette's and OCD and hey! Who could blame me for not wanting to step out of the boat?!
But the reality is ... it's the poverty. It's the social standing. It's the class. I come to the internet and I join support groups and message boards and blogging world. I make friends all over the world who accept me for who and what I am. And with them, I am more real than I ever would dream of being in person. I open my heart, and my fears and my insecurities and I also am more likely to show my strengths, my intelligence and my abilities. I am not afraid to tell someone what I think or to offer advice. I am simply ... ME.
I have mentioned that I am on social security disability and that we don't have much money ...but ..the degree of that lack of money isn't real on the internet. My lack of education ..doesn't matter.
On the internet ..what matters is "do I make sense?" Are people touched by what I have to say? Do they laugh when I say something funny? Do they cry when I say something sad? Do I touch a nerve when I mean to? On the internet ..all things are equal. There is no social class. We all have internet access one way or another ... so if you make a million dollars a year, or if you make 10,000 a year .. it doesn't matter ..what matters is the heart behind it. Because of that, I can be real. I can step out of the boat on the internet. I can stick my neck out and say what I need to say, do what i need to do ... and I am accepted, and loved.
But in person? What is keeping me back? In person ... those judgments are made ... and they are made with quick and irreversible strict judgments. Walmart clothes and worn out shoes, a medicaid insurance card ... and you're labeled... and respect is lost and taken in one great big fell swoop. You could be as poetic and intelligent as Robert Frost and it would not matter ... because ...your income has you below the poverty line. You have no social class ... you have no standing ... you have no clout.
My church is unique. They look past the $$ and I am accepted on the level as everyone else. They don't see a lack of money when they see me. Intellectually, I know this. In my heart, I know this. But, there is a part of me that still wonders ... if I step any further out of the boat, if I truely step out onto that water ... will I get smacked down by the wave of poverty and reminded that those who live in poverty don't belong in positions of leadership. Will my words ever make it out of the internet and into the lives of people who's faces I can see?
A Voice in My Heart
by Peggikaye Eagler
Lord, did I hear you?
Did I really hear you call my name?
Was that your Voice I heard?
My answer will not leave me the same!
Lord! Are you sure?
This is me you're talking about,
What words do I have?
I have no proof of any clout!
Lord, did I hear you right?
A voice to share your power?
But will they listen?
I live at the bottom of the tower!
Lord, OK, I hear you!
Give me courage to follow your call.
You promised to equip,
So, only in prayer and worship,
on my face will I fall!
© Peggikaye Eagler