Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

A few years ago ... I picked up pen and paper and started to write again ... at the encouragement of some friends ...mostly, internet friends. I'd forgotten what it felt like to let the pen flow on the paper and let my feelings ..emotions and ... even let my intelligence show onto paper.

I'd always wanted to write. I wrote my very first poem the summer before 2nd grade ... and it was published in the Mariposa Gazette ... "The Fair is fun, the little kids run, having hot dogs in the sun ..." I wish I could remember the rest of it. That was the first stanza ...

I never forgot the feeling of seeing my name in print for the whole town to see.

I would write in class when I was supposed to be doing math ... that was OK because ... I'd just write more stories.

The only thing that I never learned ... was to not use the three dots ... ... ... I imagine english teacher's find them very annoying. Sorry. I know better, just imagine me holding my breath when you see one. (Seriously, ask Wanda about talking to me on the phone ... Peggi? You there?)

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote as much as I could. In 7th grade, I was assigned a short story. It was 37 pages long. I got a D. Mrs. Warkentine said 37 pages was not short. She did let me re write it for a real grade though, and said the 37 page story was A work, I just hadn't followed directions on the SHORT part and she wanted to make a point. It did, sort of.

I still remember the 37 page story. I wish I'd saved it. It was a science fiction story about a car in the future called a "Bubblewhack Coupe"
Oddly enough ... I'm starting to see similar cars on the market.

I wrote all through junior high, high school and into early adulthood.

Then something happened ..and I put my pen down. A series of things actually.

August 18,1988 I was almost 20 weeks pregnant with a little girl. August 19, 1988, I was not.

My heart shattered and my writing became stilted and only was used for college assignments.

October 13, 1989 I went into the hospital to have Samuel ... Two weeks overdue, perfectly healthy: working 40 hours a week as a waitress; walking 5 miles a day and going to school full time as a deaf education major.

October 14, 1989, Samuel was born. And well ... life turned on a dime. My eyes felt 'weird'. Later that night my mom went to take our first family picture. My smile 'wouldn't work'
By Thanksgiving ... I could not brush my hair without propping my arms on the wall and could not walk up and down stairs without assistance. "Exhaution"

October 30,1989, 17 years ago today, I called the doctor. My precious little boy was running a fever. I didn't know that newborns weren't supposed to run fevers. They told me to get him to the hospital.

He had pneumonia and strep throat. It was the first of 5 hospitalizations with pneumonia in his first year of life.

At 11 months old, they would tell me, that he, like a cousin of mine, was immune deficient.

Asthma, repeated illnesses, hospitalizations and my own health ... it was craziness.

My pen and paper went into a cabinet. The pen rested ..the words too painful to put to paper. A crying baby in my arms, unable to tell me what hurts and my arms too weak to hold him another minute and no one able to tell me why.

I never wanted to write again.

It got worse before it got better. I became sicker than I could have imagined. Unable to feed or bathe myself ... Benjamin far sicker than his brother even dreamed of being ... I wasn't diagnosed till Benjamin was 2 months old and Samuel was 2 and a half years old.

Benjamin's first year of life was 7 hospitalizations ... MRI's because of craniosynostosis, learning of brain malformations and seizures and other things that caused him to stop breathing. Being made to learn infant CPR before he was discharged from the hospital when he was 3 months old ... something I still have nightmares about, but don't talk about. (just 3 weeks after I'd been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis)

Years went by ...and more diagnosis' came ... and we got the internet ... I sought out internet support ... and while it wasn't pen on paper ...

I started to use words again .. in written form ...

and realized ... I had things to say.

I wanted to write.

The words wouldn't stay quiet ...and the pen demanded to be picked up again.

I was afraid, but, I had encouragment.

I sat down with the goal of writing a book and I completed that goal.

Tomorrow ... I send in the proof corrections for that book. A childhood dream ... a pen on paper ... moving across the page.

It's been 17 years today since I set down my pen.

I didn't think I could ever pick it back up again because the pain was too great ... I think, to put it back down again, would be the greater pain.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I would like to introduce you to a friend ... she has a great name ... Peggy ...(note, spelling is different)we actually call her Peg, but ...it is Peggy.

Kansas Konversation

Peg has a new blog ..and has some cool pictures of her digging for salt crystals. I don't know, that sounds like a blast to me.

Peg and I have been friends for more years than I can count ... wait ... Benjamin was in kindergarten ..he's now in the 8th grade ... so ... we met on line through an email group and have stayed in touch. The beautiful beautiful flowers on my flickr and in any of my posts ...come from her garden. Peg has a green green thumb (hand, elbow ...). She is also quite talented at knitting ... so hopefully she'll blog about that too.

She's an animal lover, like me ...and has 2 GREAT kids. One of them is married. I'll let her talk about her kids though.

I got to meet Peg, her daughter and another friend of Peg's and mine a few years ago, when we went down to Texas for a weekend. Peg, is not an axe murder ... regardless of what my husband thought at first.

Go check out her blog ... oh ...and when my book comes out, you'll see in the dedication something about my friends on the Pink Bus ... Peg's one of those friends on the Pink Bus.

House warming

Pearls and Dreams

A couple of emails off blog have requested for information of where we're registered for the housewarming party. Easy breezy ...

Target ... Club Wedd .... Peggikaye and Donald Eagler ...event in Oklahoma November 18

Pk's Registry

Mailing address is 616 S. Cedar Ave.
Broken Arrow, Oklahoma
74012

But it won't be that until the 12th.

Before the 12, anything shipped should probably come to either my address here
4214 S. 103rd E. Ave
Tulsa Ok 74146

Or my church ... I'll edit this to get my churches address tomorrow.

Home Sweet Home

Pearls and Dreams

Back to the REAL WORLD

Pearls and Dreams

*grin*

Something seriously wrong with that thinking, only a real blog a holic would think on those terms.

I am back to the blog world. Home where I belong.

I will try to catch up sometime today or tomorrow, there will be massive fighting over the computer in the household.

In the meantime, if you go to my flickr, you can see the pictures my nephew took for our housewarming invitation!

We finish the house on November the 4th. We're taking a break tomorrow (which, will give me more of a chance to catch you up) and then we dedicate on the 12th (at 3 PM .... HINT HINT HINT TJ ....)

Wolfbaby, my yahoo is downloading as I type, I should be back to IM capabilities in about an hour (stupid modem) ...

I can't wait to catch up with everyone!!!

Next on my agenda ... visiting blogs!!!

I'm Still Alive

I'm not back, but I am still with the living, although computerless.

Our computer problems ARE under warrentee ...and after several tech calls and struggles ...they sent us a 'box' which arrived yesterday. Hubby and son packed up computer and sent it off to manufacturer ... they will fix ... and send back to us ... 3 shipping days ... 7 to 10 days for repair and then 3 shipping days to return. Ugh. At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you all for still checking with me. It is sooo nice to be missed!

Cathy, I do hope you're having fun this weekend!!!

Tj, your messages have made me smile and laugh outloud in the library!

The house, is almost done. It is SOOO Beautiful!!! Wanda and I just came from there while Don and Samuel are working on laying the flooring. The ceiling fans and light fixtures and dishwasher were put in on Monday. GEORGEOUS!!!!!

We lay sod, put up privacy fence this weekend. We will be done this weekend or the following weekend. We are literally at the end ... just detailing at this point!

I need to get. I'm wearing poor Wanda to the bone. She's running me around so that Don can do the floors today. I'm here at the library to take care of some details on my book .... which is moving so fast I can't hardly believe it!

I miss you all so much!!!

whoops

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news ...but our computer has decided it needs a vacation and gone caput!

It is still under warrenty ...however, we have to ship it to the manufacturer!!

So, I will be out of commission except for occassional library email checks.

Those of you who know how to reach me by phone and email ...please do so. :D

I will miss you all. MUCHLY!!!

Oh, and the house ..we got the siding up on Saturday, and we start to paint on this saturday! Pictures will come as soon as I have computer capability!!!

Judgmental looks ....

Pearls and Dreams

So ... Saturday, I let someone get to me. I worked harder than what my body had to give. It took me 2 days to uncurl my flared body from the position it went into when I finally stopped. I'm still paying the price. It's Wednesday and I still haven't loosened up enough to feel like I'm going to be OK by Saturday. When that happens ... the cycle would be endless.

So, my concern is mounting through the week and I'm praying.

"God, you know what I want to do! You know how much my hands want to be in the middle of this, you know how much it hurts when the looks come to tell me I'm not enough ... I HAVE TO DO THIS GOD!"

So, I argue with God, all day, every day. I HAVE TO DO THIS! I've worked too hard, prayed to hard, cried too hard and trusted Him too hard to not be a part of this now!!!! I cannot just sit back and watch ... what am I supposed to do sit still while my house is being built by others?

Sit still?

I've heard that before.

Still ... still? God? You want me to SIT STILL? How in the world can I sit still? My house needs to be built, what will people think? What will they think of my testimony about YOU if I just sit still?

So tonight ... we sing a new song ... Called STILL

Based on Psalm 46:10
If I could have ... I'd have been on my knees.
The scripture I memorized for a ribbon as a child rang loud in my heart

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

Do I need to do anything for God's name to be exalted? Do I have to be the one to swing the hammer or sweep the mud?
Be still ... and know that HE is God.

So, I looked it up, in context ...
Verses 6 through 10
6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted. 7 The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah 8 Come, behold the works of the Lord, Who has made desolations in the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire. 10 Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! 11 The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

I sat back and realized ... I've talked repeatidly about how he calmed the war zone of my household. How He ended the war in our family ...and brought PEACE and calm.
I constantly am in awe at the family that I now call mine. That God gave me inspite of the war that once existed.

This is the same God ... be still and know ... I can sit back and watch him build my house ... and know that he is God. That doesn't mean that I can't do anything. But when it's time to sit, and let my body rest ... I can sit ...and rest and know that HE IS God ..and in HIM I take refuge.

Not in what other's think of me, not in what I can do or can't do ... not in whatever I am afraid that people will think of God if I don't do ...

It's not my job to do anything but
To be still and know that HE is God and he WILL be exalted.

QUICK RECAP

Pearls and Dreams


Start of Day one September 9, 2006 ... Raise the wall ...



End of Building Day one, September 9, 2006.


End of Building Day 2, September 16, 2006.


End of Building Day 3, September 23, 2006 (but in reality, just 2 calendar after the first wall went up!!!)


My goodness .... it's a blurr!!!!!!!!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams


So far, only 4 pictures from yesterday's build. However, Take note, they ARE from yesterday, and this is not Tuesday ... my nephew got them out to me yesterday. Goooood Nephew!!!!

They have the roof on them from the roofers last Monday.

Also, notice how pristine white the porch cement was last Saturday in spite of the 61 people trapsing in and out ... and look at the mess from yesterday ...oh my oh my.

I spent yesterday trying to keep some degree of cleaning going. Pk's lupus did not appreciate it. My hands are swollen, muscles sore. You can actually SEE my sternum swollen with the costochondritis!! I have mouth sores (being in the sun too long?) and the Myasthenia is in a nice little flare (over use of muscles in trying to scrape off mud? who knows)

I gotta get past the looks ... there was one lady that was just a power house. She was older, little, long gray hair ... and could do anything. But everytime I sat down she'd give me this sour look that said "this is YOUR HOUSE! WHY are you sitting down?" More than once, she shot me a dirty look for not working as hard as she was working. It was really hard because I couldn't lean against a wall, or sit down without having her give me this look of disappointment or look of distain that said "Look at me, at my age ... and you, young and it's your house, what a shame!"

I'm used to those looks ... I get them frequently. I hate them. Don doesn't get it. He says he's never seen one and doesn't understand what I'm talking about. Well Don, no, you wouldn't. You, who would have been over 6 foot, but because of polio/scoliosis is 5'3 on one foot and 5'0'' on the the other, weighs 98 lbs ...is VISIBLY disabled ... you who people watch and wonder HOW you're even able to walk ... no one looks at you that way. It's the people with invisible disabilities that get those looks.

I worked so hard I got home at 4:30, was in bed by 5. Got up for dinner at 8, was back in bed by 9. I woke up this afternoon at 3 pm. I can tell you, I won't be up late tonight.
My pastor preached today on Balance. I missed it. Ironic.

Here's yesterday's pictures. Hopefully there will be more.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams


Thank you Deneice at The Journey ....

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

15% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

5% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Saturday's Habitat Pictures (Sept 17)

The first truss went up at 7:30 in the morning.

Before we knew it they were all up!

Solid construction!


Look at our Handiwork!!

So many people, some just had to look on.

The decking was hard work.



Peeking through a decked out roof!



The end of building day 2. Work enough for building day 4 1/2. Ready for the roofers to come on Monday September 19. (Roof is on, as soon as the pictures come, they will be posted). My friend T and I had fun going back and forth through the front door. In and out, in and out. Benjamin got on our nerves at one point and LITERALLY got sent to his room. :D He quite enjoyed that.

Musical Tags

Pearls and Dreams I have been tagged by Moof. I was tagged by Difficult Patient a while back, and I have not forgotten that i was tagged, I just haven't had the nerve to attack hers yet. Although, I feel guilty for not having done so, I WILL eventually get to it. (as soon as I figure out the answer to the first question ...something about do you like your blog or why do you blog yada yada yada) But, for today, I will answer Moof's tag, which is simply about 7 songs. It might have been easier if she'd asked me which 70 songs I'm listening to right now :D In answer to your question Moof ...yes, I have a song in my heart :D

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your Live Journal/blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1. In Christ Alone. Phillips Craig and Dean

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest
drought and storm

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power
of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power
of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
In Christ alone

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His Hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

2. Other Side of the Radio ...Chris Rice

3. Cartoon Song ... Chris Rice

4. Less Like Scars ... Sara Groves
*very very important song in my life

5. Tornado ... Sara Groves

6. Remember Surrender ... Sara Groves

7. Blessed Be Your Name ... Matt Redman (and many of his other, including I'm coming back to the Heart of Worship!)

This song comes right out of Job
I can't tell you how many times I heard it on the radio last year (2005) and sang it, no, screamed it, through gritted teeth, and that was my declaration that no matter how hard, how desperate or how dark my life was ... I was going to declare the love and glory of the name of the Lord. I would bang the beat on the stearing wheel through tears ... the week after Don shared his story with me of how and why he gave God the control of his heart and our marriage was so instantly healed (which, was two weeks before Habitat changed their minds and decided we could move to Broken Arrow not North Tulsa) our Worship Leader introduced this song to the worship team as a new song for the church to be singing.
I lived the dark times, I'm living the good times and still I will proclaim ... blessed be the name of the Lord!
Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Now, I have to tag 7 people, I of coarse will tag Wanda. I will also tag Cathy, http://thegreensneakers.blogspot.com/, I think I want to tag my own son Benjamin at Under Cover (boy won't HE be surprised!) Sandy, Artemis, TJ. Oh, and since Bj only doesn't know 7 bloggers, I'm going to tag Biscotti Brain for good measure. :D
(Bj's is as much an assignment as anything)

Time Flies

Pearls and Dreams The vaccination records quandry a while back for my oldest got temporarily fixed, but they asked us to get it "FIXED". I only knew one person who could FIX it, and that was the doctor who'd given the vaccines. The clinic, where the boys go now, is where the doctor works as an attending. I tried to get the administrator to go to this doctor, fill him in and ask him what to do, but, she said "our doctor's don't know what to do, they are not administrative doctors" (Ok, I understand that this is a medical school clinic, but this doc ran his own clinic for over 15 years, he does too know what to do!!!!)She also said he would not remember me. Um, my husband has extremely severe scoliosis due to polio, my kids both were born with immune deficiencies and were both hospitalized repeatidly during the first year of their life. (5 for Samuel, 7 for Benjamin, Benjamin was hospitalized an additional 3 times in his life, including once for meningitis) I, went into his practice, perfectly healthy and walked into the hospital to have Samuel, and walked out with Myasthenia Gravis and Lupus (although it did not get diagnosed for a couple of years) He saw me through a blood clot, MG diagnosis (what doctor is going to forget a myasthenic diagnosis????) Benjamin had seizures, craniosynostosis, speech and developmental delays ... and Samuel was talking full sentences at a year old and would tell Dr. M that "you are a goofy goofy man!" when Samuel was just 13 months old! We're not exactly a forgetable family. Granted, I just told the administrator that I knew he'd remembered me because he'd told the residents that he'd delivered my kids and to tell me hi on more than one occassion that we'd been in there. Nope, he'd not remember, it'd been too long. The most she could do was make an appointment and see if I could work it out face to face with him. Fine, at least I'd get to say hi. (I think she counted on him telling me there wasn't any thing to be done). So, we get there today, he walks in, significantly more white haired than he was when he left private practice 10 years ago, a bit shocked to see my child a young man and said "I'm old". To which, I about died laughing because I told Samuel that was going to be the first words out of his mouth. Samuel, was a bit unerved by our whole interaction ... Dr. M and picked up where we left off ... we'd have been friends if we'd met in another venue, and Samuel said it was obvious. I had told Samuel everything Dr. M was going to say, and Dr. M told Samuel that I had probably told him that he'd say this or that. Samuel, was a bit freaked out by the whole thing. 10 years took nothing from our ability to communicate. So, he looks into the computer and sees exactly what the vaccination record problem was, and knows exactly how to fix it. (yes, it could have been done at the administrative level, his comment to that ... "well, at least this way you got to come in and say Hi". Samuel almost fainted) Samuel got to talk to him about going into medicine and his plans for forensic pathology and family medicine and you could see Dr. M's pleasure that he'd chosen that route. We left and I went to shake his hand and he said he wanted a hug instead, very very sweet. It reminded me of the day he left and I took the boys in to say goodbye. Very neat. I forgot to tell him about the Habitat House and my book. oops! I did find out how his family is. :D I don't know how we would have made it through those early years of parenting and early years of the disease process without his support and education of what was going on. I was devastated when he chose to leave private practice (he initially went into quality assurance for insurance before going into teaching) I have had many doctors in the years since .....

Building Day 2, or is it 4?

Seriously, I know it's end of day 2, but, we might as well have been at the end of day 4.

For all the trouble that we've faced getting here, the miracles we've seen God work out getting it done and while it's happening are just tremendous.

Today we had the roof decking finished, including the covered porch decking, got our two front doors and our outside insulation. It is ready to be shingled and siding put up.

Yes, we're way ahead of schedule.

We were working this morning and a truck pulled up. Asked to talk to the person in charge. Seems he owns a roofing company, they'd just (literally just, they were driving home from it) finished a project and had some left over shingles. They were taking it to donate to some charity somewhere. Rather than do that, how about if they donate it here to this build.
More than that, their crew isn't busy on Monday, would it be ok if they do the roof for us?

EXCUSE ME? *gulp* So, our site supervisor told them that we'd do what we could and he'd meet with them tomorrow. (he couldn't insist the volunteers stay and do extra work.)

He thought, well, we'll try to get it as far as we can, then a Habitat crew could come and do some more on Sunday. Well, about 4ish, the crew that was left found out what was going on ... and there was no way they were going to let this opportunity slip through our fingers. We knew the donated shingles were ours, but the labor ... we had to get the roof ready!

And, we did. We left the lot 11 hours and 15 minutes after we got there this morning. Site supervisor left 11 hours and 45 minutes after he got there!!!

It is incredible indeed ... At the rate we're going, we were told we should be done by Halloween. So much for Thanksgiving! :D

I will put up pictures as soon as my nephew gets them up. I was just so excited about the blessing today I had to share. There was more today, but I'm so tired, that's all I'm getting out of these fingers tonight!

oh, and we had 61 people sign in. Not sure how many missed the sign in sheet!!!

Good News ...YIKES

Pearls and Dreams Friday Fellowship has been fast tracked. It could be out in 6 to 8 weeks!!! I could be getting my house and my book at the same time. Yikeziewozers!

Saturday's Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

And we pick up our dreams.


A burden carried alone, is too heavy to bear, but together, it is easy to lift!


It's up!

Lifetime of dreams!


Putting another wall together, together.


Building on the foundation of prayer.


A houseful.


That's MY NAIL!


That's MY HOUSE!




Day's end. (roof is neighboring church)


Happy Satisfaction. Dreams coming true.

September 11 Tribute

I thought I knew how to make a post stick at the top. Evidently, I don't.

Please go here to read my post on

To honor Michael Edward Gould

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

World Suicide Prevention Day
September 10, 2006

Today was an important day in the world. I should have posted long before 9:40 at night. I planned on posting a few days in advance. After all …what good will it do to have it on after the day passes. I was torn, because the September 11 tributes were up as well.

I didn’t hear a word about it on the news. If not for Dr. Deb, I would not have known about the day. A day, that means everything to me.

There are people who think they can end their pain by ending their lives. They don’t realize what they do to those left behind. They don’t know the chaos that they will leave. They don’t know the destruction that is left behind. They only know that the chaos in their head will stop. They don’t realize that the chaos in their head might be loud, it might be strong, they might think it will never end … but it will. Eventually, it will.

But the grief … the pain that is left in the wake of a suicide …the broken heart …no, it’s not broken, it’s shattered … will never end. Grief doesn’t end. Just like the pain of a loss from something like the Oklahoma City Bombing or 9/11 ..the grief continues … it’s intense.

Suicide is such a secret shame. When it touched my life the first time, it was still a social taboo … our pastor wouldn’t even come to our house. He was ashamed that a member of his congregation had done such a thing!
I had teacher’s at school tell me that I could tell my peers that my father had died in an accident, but I could not tell them that he’d taken his life, it would traumatize them.

People are afraid to tell those they love they are suicidal because they are afraid they will be locked up and put on suicidal watch.

Suicide … is chaos.

I have a friend who has been suicidal more than once. She’s made great progress in the past year, but she’s scared me a few times. I have told her that she cannot kill herself, because she can’t do to me what it would do to me. She seems to understand that. There has been times that it has taken every ounce of strength that she has to not do it. Those moments, it takes every ounce of strength I have, to not run and protect my heart from the possible chaos that might be left in the wake if she chooses the wrong choice. She reads this blog, she’ll know who she is. She also knows that I struggle with this, and that she still has to tell me when she gets like that. My fear of loosing her, isn’t worth her keeping it from me … and the possible consequences if she’s alone in her pain.

When my step dad left me, he thought he was ending his pain, and making life easier on our family. He really thought that his depression and his pain was causing as much grief and torment for us as it was for him. No matter how much pain you are in, I promise you, if you end your life, you will cause more pain to those you leave behind.

Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
by Peggikaye Eagler

Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler

Michael Edward Gould

Dear Michael,

We never met, but when I started to read about you for this memorial project, I felt like I did know you. I wish, I had. I think, I would have liked you a lot. I think, we would have been friends.

It was odd. My reason for wanting to do this project was because of how much I identified with the terrorism. Even though 9/11 was on a much bigger scale than the Oklahoma City bombing, and it was from foreign attackers ... it still hit at the heart of our nation. I'd lost a friend in the OKC bombing. A friend of mine died in the OKC bombing, and in honor of her, I wanted to honor someone who died in this tragedy as well.

So, I started to research who you were. I found that you were a 29 year old, from Hoboken NJ. You had lived for a few years in San Francisco and had recently moved back to the East Coast. You were a securities trader for Cantor Fitzgerald that was the 104th floor of the World Trade Center.


Your degree was in finance from Philadelphia's Villanova University in 1994. When you graduated, you got a job with Cantor Fitzgerald, the nation's largest bond broker. You started working for t the firm in New York City, moved to San Francisco, then back to the East Coast.

You loved sports, having played both hockey and baseball as a teenager.As an adult, you enjoyed weight lifting, and also enjoyed in-line skating, playing the guitar and driving fast cars.

Those were the facts. Statistics. General Late 20's hard working American man. Just the kind the terrorists were after. To tear apart our nation.

But I dug deeper and found a tribute page to you. My heart broke, it was on the same tribute page that held tributes to the Oklahoma City Bombing victims. Some of the same comments written to my dear friend Trudy were written to you. You weren't just a man who went to work every day and played just as hard.

You were a loving man, who cared about your friends and family. When you committed yourself to someone, they became a part of your heart. The emotions in the goodbyes and I miss you's were felt through the computer screen so deep ... it was unmistakeable what kind of a person you were. You had a heart of gold, just like Trudy. How fitting that I did this for Trudy, and got someone like you to have the privilege to honor.

Some of the comments made were:August 26, 2005
Mike, I Love and Miss You. I went to Braga Park the other day to pick up my Daughter, When I got there my Husband was puzzled? Why are you crying? I remember Mike here, I said. I Love and miss you my sweet Nixon. Kiss my Mom for me. Love, Justine
Justine (Newport)

July 30, 2005
Happy Birthday, Mike. This date brings bittersweet memories for me. Burnt birthday brownies Fed Ex'd to Hoboken (both you and Martha Stewart were disappointed)...

Time goes on, but your memory never fades. I try to focus on the light, the happy and many fun times; that's how I will always remember you. I will continue leaving it to God to provide comfort when I feel sad about the fact that you are gone. Miss you.
Vanessa Mills (Redwood City, CA )

September 8, 2004
Dear Mike,

May you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think of you often and know your looking down upon us. I think about ALL the VU memories we shared together and smile and laugh a lot thinking about those times together. God Bless you and your family and know I pray for you ALL daily and often! May I meet each day with the determination and drive you did Mike..Thinking of you.
Justin O'Malley (Philadelphia)
December 31, 2001
Dear Mike, It goes without saying that the holidays find us missing you so much. As I look back on the past year trying to reach for the things to be thankful for, I think of you and all that you taught me. You inspired me to be a better person, to give with my heart, to love unconditionally. You taught me to be strong, and that strength of character and loyalty are some of the greatest and rarest qualities that one could possess. I will never forget when my mom fell ill and I called you from the hospital. I said, “Treat your parents like gold while they’re here, because you never know when your time with them will be the last.” There wasn’t even a pause before you said, “I could have told you that a long time ago.” You knew exactly what it meant to treasure the people you care about. So as this year comes to a close, it is not your loss that I will remember, but all that you have taught, inspired and gave. Your spirit does live on and you will never be forgotten.
Vanessa Mills (Burlingame, CA )

You taught people what it was to love, to care ... and to inspire. So did Trudy. It is not fair that you were taken away in such an awful painful way. Many today will be writing about how the terror happened, and how it effected our world, but I wanted to write to you, and tell you that your presences is missed in this world. You were important and your memory remains ... and will be treasured.

God bless your family, God bless you.

A stranger and fellow American,
Peggikaye Eagler

9/11 Project