Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

World Suicide Prevention Day
September 10, 2006

Today was an important day in the world. I should have posted long before 9:40 at night. I planned on posting a few days in advance. After all …what good will it do to have it on after the day passes. I was torn, because the September 11 tributes were up as well.

I didn’t hear a word about it on the news. If not for Dr. Deb, I would not have known about the day. A day, that means everything to me.

There are people who think they can end their pain by ending their lives. They don’t realize what they do to those left behind. They don’t know the chaos that they will leave. They don’t know the destruction that is left behind. They only know that the chaos in their head will stop. They don’t realize that the chaos in their head might be loud, it might be strong, they might think it will never end … but it will. Eventually, it will.

But the grief … the pain that is left in the wake of a suicide …the broken heart …no, it’s not broken, it’s shattered … will never end. Grief doesn’t end. Just like the pain of a loss from something like the Oklahoma City Bombing or 9/11 ..the grief continues … it’s intense.

Suicide is such a secret shame. When it touched my life the first time, it was still a social taboo … our pastor wouldn’t even come to our house. He was ashamed that a member of his congregation had done such a thing!
I had teacher’s at school tell me that I could tell my peers that my father had died in an accident, but I could not tell them that he’d taken his life, it would traumatize them.

People are afraid to tell those they love they are suicidal because they are afraid they will be locked up and put on suicidal watch.

Suicide … is chaos.

I have a friend who has been suicidal more than once. She’s made great progress in the past year, but she’s scared me a few times. I have told her that she cannot kill herself, because she can’t do to me what it would do to me. She seems to understand that. There has been times that it has taken every ounce of strength that she has to not do it. Those moments, it takes every ounce of strength I have, to not run and protect my heart from the possible chaos that might be left in the wake if she chooses the wrong choice. She reads this blog, she’ll know who she is. She also knows that I struggle with this, and that she still has to tell me when she gets like that. My fear of loosing her, isn’t worth her keeping it from me … and the possible consequences if she’s alone in her pain.

When my step dad left me, he thought he was ending his pain, and making life easier on our family. He really thought that his depression and his pain was causing as much grief and torment for us as it was for him. No matter how much pain you are in, I promise you, if you end your life, you will cause more pain to those you leave behind.

Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
by Peggikaye Eagler

Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler