I've been having some trouble with the success I've had in the last few months.
Good stress ...is still stress.
I've posted about it a couple of times ..and to some people I'm sure it makes no sense whatsoever ... how can you be upset that things are going the way you wanted them to?
Why would anyone go into panic when something goes right?
Well ...
I've been thinking ...
At age 12 ... I was assaulted the first time ... and that's when I started going into survival mode (PTSD diagnostically) and at 14 my step father committed suicide ... and I found his body ... increasing the PTSD ... and I'm not going to start counting off the further trauma's ... let's just suffice it to say ...there is a list that comes down the pike for the next 10 years ...or so.
Finally, at 27, my youngest son is born ... and I would say that the last real TRAUMA was the day they told us that his brain had not fully developed and we saw that MRI ... and the missing brain tissue, along with the Arnold Chiari Syndrome (essentially pinched brain in the back of the brain) and were told that he had Craniosynostosis and talk of craniofacial surgery began .... (this was afer my myasthenia gravis diagnosis, but only by about 8 weeks after)
So ... from 12 to 27 I had a series of trauma's ... that kept me reeling tossed like a ball in a hurricane ... I am amazed that I survived in one piece. My faith, is probably the only thing that kept the ball from going flat ... or popping ... and all that happened is that it got tossed from here to there ... and just didn't do anything but get tossed.
Then ... from 27 to 37 ... I hit survival mode ... I had 2 kids, I was sick ... very sick ... and I had a sick husband and my mom was sick ..and I needed to raise these kids. There was no time to think about any trauma's or any pasts or anything about anything ...and I just needed to get through today to get through to tomorrow and get through to the next day. Thoughts of yesterday or thoughts of the future didn't matter ..survival ... that was the key. One day at a time never had a more literal life than that period of my life.
At 36, I entered treatment for an eating disorder ...and I began to look at my life a bit ...and I started to slow down the survival mode a bit ...and as I approached 37 years old ... the survival mode ended ...and I began to live ... and maybe ... just maybe I would take a chance on dreaming? Would I dare to dream?
I even wrote something about daring to dream. My pastor had me read it in front of the church.
So, I started to have a few dreams ...here and there ... and as I started to dream I realized something .. I had a future ...and if I was going to dream for that future somethings were going to have to change ...and for those things to change ...it was going to take some work ..and for that work ...it was going to take some fight ...and so .. I started to fight for the change ...
and I fought ..and I fought and I fought ...and I won ...and I succeeded and suddenly ... My dreams that I hadn't really taken the time to dream because I'd been fighting for the change were sitting in my lap ...
and I'd never had a chance to plan for success ...or map out a plan ...and I went straight from dream to fight to win ..and there was no stopping in the middle for planning ... and I expected to have 40 years in the dessert before I entered my promise land ...and well ... God didn't lead me around the desert for 40 years ...and instead of trusting God I just freaked out ...
So ... now I need to figure out how to just sit and rest and enjoy the success and map out the plan for the success .... crazy huh?
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
How did I get here?
A little over a year ago, I was posting about starting to sing with a special choir for a spring cantada for the prayer service. I swore that was it. I was done singing when it was over! It had been so very difficult.
My service in worship ministries far from over ...just my vocal service. My voice is gone ...and it takes too much out of me and is far too scary for me and too taxing to do the vocal part of worship ministries.
So ... here we are ... a week and a half before Easter and I've got a CD on .. listening to the soprano part of the music to One Holy Lamb ...because I've been talked into singing with an ensamble!
A few weeks back, I was minding my own business before they settled down to their first practice ... doing something 'gophery' with my gopher job ...and the leader says "Peggi, will you join us" I stood there frozen. Literally. While a couple of my friends started to cheer me on to say yes. I couldn't figure out a graceful way of saying no without embarrassing one of the sweetest, kindest women I've ever ahd the pleasure of knowing.
It seems, that, she'd considered asking me earlier, and started to call me, and then decided to wait and ask me in person on Wednesday night. I guess, her spirit must have known that I needed to be on the spot in order to say yes. Had she asked me on email, as she wanted to do to begin with, I would have respectfully declined. Had she asked me on the phone, I would have politely declined. She, is convinced, I am supposed to be a part of this. (although, she didn't know I would have turned her down in any other situation till I emailed her later that night and told her so.)
I can hit every note, I have the music almost memorized. It's not like the tenor part I was singing last year, where I couldn't HEAR my part ... and so I didn't know the music. Where, I if I couldn't hear the person singing next to me I didn't know what I was to be singing. I know my part ...mostly. On one song tonight, I was the only soprano there, all of the other ones were late ...and I even sang the part myself, alone, and held it ...and sang it! (to quote Miss Moof) *cough*
But I am one of sixteen singers ... one of five soprano's ... and their voices are so beautiful, so strong ...so WONDERFUL ... and mine .. is so ... just not up to snuff. I was scared enough, and then found out we're going to have individual mics ...ARGH!!!
I'd rather be signing. I haven't sang in a group this small since I was a teenager!!! I hope my mom enjoys it. It is beautiful Easter music.
My service in worship ministries far from over ...just my vocal service. My voice is gone ...and it takes too much out of me and is far too scary for me and too taxing to do the vocal part of worship ministries.
So ... here we are ... a week and a half before Easter and I've got a CD on .. listening to the soprano part of the music to One Holy Lamb ...because I've been talked into singing with an ensamble!
A few weeks back, I was minding my own business before they settled down to their first practice ... doing something 'gophery' with my gopher job ...and the leader says "Peggi, will you join us" I stood there frozen. Literally. While a couple of my friends started to cheer me on to say yes. I couldn't figure out a graceful way of saying no without embarrassing one of the sweetest, kindest women I've ever ahd the pleasure of knowing.
It seems, that, she'd considered asking me earlier, and started to call me, and then decided to wait and ask me in person on Wednesday night. I guess, her spirit must have known that I needed to be on the spot in order to say yes. Had she asked me on email, as she wanted to do to begin with, I would have respectfully declined. Had she asked me on the phone, I would have politely declined. She, is convinced, I am supposed to be a part of this. (although, she didn't know I would have turned her down in any other situation till I emailed her later that night and told her so.)
I can hit every note, I have the music almost memorized. It's not like the tenor part I was singing last year, where I couldn't HEAR my part ... and so I didn't know the music. Where, I if I couldn't hear the person singing next to me I didn't know what I was to be singing. I know my part ...mostly. On one song tonight, I was the only soprano there, all of the other ones were late ...and I even sang the part myself, alone, and held it ...and sang it! (to quote Miss Moof) *cough*
But I am one of sixteen singers ... one of five soprano's ... and their voices are so beautiful, so strong ...so WONDERFUL ... and mine .. is so ... just not up to snuff. I was scared enough, and then found out we're going to have individual mics ...ARGH!!!
I'd rather be signing. I haven't sang in a group this small since I was a teenager!!! I hope my mom enjoys it. It is beautiful Easter music.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I had the occassion tonight to remember just how far my children have come. I still worry about their disorders and how it will effect their lives ... but there was a time that that worry consumed my prayers for them.
When Benjamin was little, till he was about 10 years old. He could not stand to be touched. He didn't like hugs and he really didn't like to be cuddled. When he was about 4 or 5 years old, it just broke my heart. While I'd see other 4 and 5 year olds run and hug their mom's ... he'd barely kiss me on the cheek ..and I could barely hold his hand. He had to initiate the touch and he had to control the length of the touch. I just knew that children, like it or not NEED more touch than that.
But, to force the touch, caused so much more anxiety than he could deal with in his life.
So, after he was asleep. Sound asleep, I'd go in and touch his hand and when he didn't stir from that, I'd pick him up. I'd hold him and rock him and I'd sing to him and pray over him. Sometimes as much as an hour. Night after night I'd go in there and hold my baby boy. I did it until I could no longer pick him up. (He was pretty big before I gave up on it too!) Then, I'd go in and hold his hand, and stroke his head ...and sing ...and pray ... please God ... help my baby boy.
He got into some therapy ... he'd been diagnosed as Pervasive Developmental Disorder -NOS and was suggested we go to Occupational therapy to deal with the sensory issues that often go along with PDD-NOS (a type of autism). As we started to work with the Occupational therapist ... Benjamin started to bloom ... in a way that was incredible. It was exciting for us as his parents ..and for the therapists. It was also exciting for the doctor's as they realized that for all the information they'd had in front of them ... they'd been wrong. Benjamin had not been Autistic, he'd simply been SEVERELY effected by Sensory Integration Dysfunction. As the sensory issues came under some kind of control ...his social skills bloomed.
With the continued therapy we knew we were dealing with a processing disorder, OCD, Tourette's syndrome rather than autism.
The anxiety levels were still there, but managable. He could handle being touched ..and hugged. Not cuddled, but hugged.
About the time that Benjamin came out of his social box ...
Samuel, my oldest son's OCD went into high gear. I could see fear
controlling almost every aspect of his life. He couldn't function if he didn't have
answers, he couldn't move forward if he didn't make the right steps, if he
didn't say something right he had to repeat it (and heaven forbid you try to
tell him to go on!). The anxiety levels would build to the point that you'd
have thought the world was coming to an end. The fear in his eyes was real, and
palpable to those around him. It was heartbreaking and I couldn't imagine
trying to exist in his body.
A song came on the radio, I couldn't hear it without praying it over my children. The song was meant about parents dealing with a child with Cancer ...but for me ... it was about my children and their lives not being what others are ... the first verse was about Benjamin, the second was Samuel ... and the chorus and tag were a prayer to God ... please God ..these aren't just any boys ...they're my sons!
He's My Son
by Mark Schulz
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
CHORUS
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
***************************************************************************
This week, I took Benjamin to the neurologist. His medications were cut down, again.
He's on so little now. Half a pill for the tourette's, half for the seizures. None for the OCD ... amazing ... simply amazing.
Samuel will be taken off his TS medicine this summer to see how it goes, leaving only his OCD medicine.
Incredible ... how far we've come in the years since I prayed that song with tears in my eyes ... and a catch in my voice. He's answering my prayers ... I'm seeing young men grow up in front of me ... who deal with life with courage and grace and dignity ... and who have fears and put them in their place. It's a good thing.
When Benjamin was little, till he was about 10 years old. He could not stand to be touched. He didn't like hugs and he really didn't like to be cuddled. When he was about 4 or 5 years old, it just broke my heart. While I'd see other 4 and 5 year olds run and hug their mom's ... he'd barely kiss me on the cheek ..and I could barely hold his hand. He had to initiate the touch and he had to control the length of the touch. I just knew that children, like it or not NEED more touch than that.
But, to force the touch, caused so much more anxiety than he could deal with in his life.
So, after he was asleep. Sound asleep, I'd go in and touch his hand and when he didn't stir from that, I'd pick him up. I'd hold him and rock him and I'd sing to him and pray over him. Sometimes as much as an hour. Night after night I'd go in there and hold my baby boy. I did it until I could no longer pick him up. (He was pretty big before I gave up on it too!) Then, I'd go in and hold his hand, and stroke his head ...and sing ...and pray ... please God ... help my baby boy.
He got into some therapy ... he'd been diagnosed as Pervasive Developmental Disorder -NOS and was suggested we go to Occupational therapy to deal with the sensory issues that often go along with PDD-NOS (a type of autism). As we started to work with the Occupational therapist ... Benjamin started to bloom ... in a way that was incredible. It was exciting for us as his parents ..and for the therapists. It was also exciting for the doctor's as they realized that for all the information they'd had in front of them ... they'd been wrong. Benjamin had not been Autistic, he'd simply been SEVERELY effected by Sensory Integration Dysfunction. As the sensory issues came under some kind of control ...his social skills bloomed.
With the continued therapy we knew we were dealing with a processing disorder, OCD, Tourette's syndrome rather than autism.
The anxiety levels were still there, but managable. He could handle being touched ..and hugged. Not cuddled, but hugged.
About the time that Benjamin came out of his social box ...
Samuel, my oldest son's OCD went into high gear. I could see fear
controlling almost every aspect of his life. He couldn't function if he didn't have
answers, he couldn't move forward if he didn't make the right steps, if he
didn't say something right he had to repeat it (and heaven forbid you try to
tell him to go on!). The anxiety levels would build to the point that you'd
have thought the world was coming to an end. The fear in his eyes was real, and
palpable to those around him. It was heartbreaking and I couldn't imagine
trying to exist in his body.
A song came on the radio, I couldn't hear it without praying it over my children. The song was meant about parents dealing with a child with Cancer ...but for me ... it was about my children and their lives not being what others are ... the first verse was about Benjamin, the second was Samuel ... and the chorus and tag were a prayer to God ... please God ..these aren't just any boys ...they're my sons!
He's My Son
by Mark Schulz
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
CHORUS
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
***************************************************************************
This week, I took Benjamin to the neurologist. His medications were cut down, again.
He's on so little now. Half a pill for the tourette's, half for the seizures. None for the OCD ... amazing ... simply amazing.
Samuel will be taken off his TS medicine this summer to see how it goes, leaving only his OCD medicine.
Incredible ... how far we've come in the years since I prayed that song with tears in my eyes ... and a catch in my voice. He's answering my prayers ... I'm seeing young men grow up in front of me ... who deal with life with courage and grace and dignity ... and who have fears and put them in their place. It's a good thing.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The Trees are Budding ... The Flowers are Blooming
ACHOO!!!!!!!
I went to fill my Zyrtec today. Walidiots said that I hadn't filled it since August. Yea, ok, so the bottle that I was holding that said February ... was from ... Wonderland's Walgreen's? I was out of refills and needed Dr. Authorizations anyway, so it wasn't worth arguing over.
I've GOT to change!!! (Yea, I know, I've been complaining for a long time, but I was really hoping moving to this new Walgreens was going to make a difference, I was REALLY hoping it was THAT pharmacy problem not a corporation issue. Having the drive through when I don't feel good, is a REAL benifit!!!!)
My husband bought me an incredible gift this weekend. A porch swing. Yep. A Two seater, sit on the porch holding hands and talking in the evening swaying back and forth in the evening air on our nice porch ...with our beautiful house with our wonderful family ...and our fairy tale world .. porch swing. It's too good to be true. Only, it is true. :)
I was looking at the pictures of our house from the building process today ... the windows the teens and our children's pastor helped to put in, and put the siding around ...and the porch railing that we painted. The walls we painted. The roof the kids worked so hard on, in the extremely hot heat. The flowers we planted in the shivering cold. It's incredible to have this place that isn't just a home, it is a place of memories and a place that love literally built. Such an honor to get to live in it. I'll never forget the people who helped build it, they are a part of my home. They are a part of my heart.
Don and I went out to eat in a new restaurant tonight. New to town. It was strange ... I've never wanted to be a food reviewer so badly in my life. Some of the food was REALLY good. Some of it was sadly lacking and the prices were much too high for what kind of a place they were. They had way too many things on the menu for the size of a resteraunt that they were ... there is no way they could serve that many items in a day ...in a week! Therefore ...their food costs are going to be too high ...and thus ..the high prices. HUGE menu, small seating area (former Taco Bell) and what they specialize in, was really good, and what they make because they felt they had to offer, was mediocre at best. Not ..a good combination. 7 page menu ...FULL menu ... just is too much when you are that small. In short, we felt like we got short changed. Their dinner rolls, almost made it worth being short changed.
We got home, and we sat on the porch swing. And we talked about what an incredible life we have. Then it got too cold ... we came inside the house.
I can't wait till it warms up enough for us to stay out there longer. Hopefully by then I'll have more Zyrtec so I will be able to tolerate the outside a bit more ACHOO!!!!
I went to fill my Zyrtec today. Walidiots said that I hadn't filled it since August. Yea, ok, so the bottle that I was holding that said February ... was from ... Wonderland's Walgreen's? I was out of refills and needed Dr. Authorizations anyway, so it wasn't worth arguing over.
I've GOT to change!!! (Yea, I know, I've been complaining for a long time, but I was really hoping moving to this new Walgreens was going to make a difference, I was REALLY hoping it was THAT pharmacy problem not a corporation issue. Having the drive through when I don't feel good, is a REAL benifit!!!!)
My husband bought me an incredible gift this weekend. A porch swing. Yep. A Two seater, sit on the porch holding hands and talking in the evening swaying back and forth in the evening air on our nice porch ...with our beautiful house with our wonderful family ...and our fairy tale world .. porch swing. It's too good to be true. Only, it is true. :)
I was looking at the pictures of our house from the building process today ... the windows the teens and our children's pastor helped to put in, and put the siding around ...and the porch railing that we painted. The walls we painted. The roof the kids worked so hard on, in the extremely hot heat. The flowers we planted in the shivering cold. It's incredible to have this place that isn't just a home, it is a place of memories and a place that love literally built. Such an honor to get to live in it. I'll never forget the people who helped build it, they are a part of my home. They are a part of my heart.
Don and I went out to eat in a new restaurant tonight. New to town. It was strange ... I've never wanted to be a food reviewer so badly in my life. Some of the food was REALLY good. Some of it was sadly lacking and the prices were much too high for what kind of a place they were. They had way too many things on the menu for the size of a resteraunt that they were ... there is no way they could serve that many items in a day ...in a week! Therefore ...their food costs are going to be too high ...and thus ..the high prices. HUGE menu, small seating area (former Taco Bell) and what they specialize in, was really good, and what they make because they felt they had to offer, was mediocre at best. Not ..a good combination. 7 page menu ...FULL menu ... just is too much when you are that small. In short, we felt like we got short changed. Their dinner rolls, almost made it worth being short changed.
We got home, and we sat on the porch swing. And we talked about what an incredible life we have. Then it got too cold ... we came inside the house.
I can't wait till it warms up enough for us to stay out there longer. Hopefully by then I'll have more Zyrtec so I will be able to tolerate the outside a bit more ACHOO!!!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
treasures
I heard once "We know the miracles went out with the last apostle."
I am so glad that I don't believe that. I about fell over when I heard the person say that. Personally, I would have thought that the person saying that had seen too many miracles himself. But, oh well.
In the last 24 hours, I've gotten to see God's handiwork. First, I got an email from my friend who's baby has the ATRT tumor.
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to let you all know that Kylie has done wonderful since we've been home. She is trying to walk again (with assistance), she's climbing on furniture, crawling, talking, exc.! We are still trying to get her into a proton radiation program. She was turned down to go to M.D. Anderson in Houston. So now we are working with Loma Linda hospital in C.A. Hopefully we will have an answer later this week. I hope all is well with all of you! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Teresa
She hasn't won the battle yet. But, she hasn't lost it yet either. After more surgeries than I can count. Almost loosing an eye, and chemotherapy, stem cell (her own) transplants that almost took her life because of the side effects, this little girl ... is walking again. She's 2 years and 2 months old ... and she's winning an unbeatable cancer!
Tonight, I went to church. Our children's pastor was there. She'd had a really tough battle with infertility. We'd prayed ..and we'd prayed. She'd gone through an awful lot and just when she said "Ok God, your will, not mine" Literally, the next day ...she found out that she was pregnant. Her little girl will be 2 in July. I'd stopped to say hi to her Mamma. As I walked away, her little girl got fussy and called out for me. To have a child who you prayed for .. to have the voice of a baby that you begged God for call your name out and play with you ..smile at you ..is a priceless treasure. 5 years we prayed for that little girl!
Worship team started and in came one of our worship leaders who'd been out. She'd gone through all the infertility with our children's pastor. Only, she started BEFORE the children's pastor ..and it continued long after our children's pastor ended. Many a worship practice time was spent with our hearts and hands on this dear woman who only wanted to be a Mommy to a child ... to teach a child to love God. She really didn't care how that happened. She didn't care ..she just wanted to hold a baby ...and to love a baby. Her arms felt so empty. For as long as I'd known this woman, she'd been trying. During our prayer musical last year, I could see it, in the middle of our singing ...it was tearing her apart. We had a chance to pray for each other DURING the musical. I grabbed her. We prayed together. Shortly after, someone had offered them some donated eggs. It was going to be their LAST shot at pregnancy. They were already going down the adoption route. But, with donated eggs, they'd go ahead and try ...just one more time.
They went to the doctor to get cleared for the donated eggs ...and she couldn't get cleared.
She was pregnant. No implants ...not IVF ... no doctor's ...no medical intervention. Just Love and prayers. And a God that's bigger than we can all imagine.
So a month ago ... her baby boy was born. Cute as a button. Precious and sweet. A good baby, peaceful and calm. I got to hold him tonight. As I held him, I told him just how much he'd been waited for. I told him that I hoped that he always knew just how much we couldn't wait to see him.
I know, before we know it, he's going to be crawling around ..the bouncing off the walls ...and calling my name out ... just like the little girl I prayed for a couple of years ago ... and then ... like mine ... they're going to be getting ready to grow up and be adults ...
What I do know about all 3 of these babies ... healthy or not ...they are deeply loved ..and treasured ...and they will forever be covered in prayers and no one will ever doubt just how much they are valued.
I am so glad that I don't believe that. I about fell over when I heard the person say that. Personally, I would have thought that the person saying that had seen too many miracles himself. But, oh well.
In the last 24 hours, I've gotten to see God's handiwork. First, I got an email from my friend who's baby has the ATRT tumor.
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to let you all know that Kylie has done wonderful since we've been home. She is trying to walk again (with assistance), she's climbing on furniture, crawling, talking, exc.! We are still trying to get her into a proton radiation program. She was turned down to go to M.D. Anderson in Houston. So now we are working with Loma Linda hospital in C.A. Hopefully we will have an answer later this week. I hope all is well with all of you! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
God Bless,
Teresa
She hasn't won the battle yet. But, she hasn't lost it yet either. After more surgeries than I can count. Almost loosing an eye, and chemotherapy, stem cell (her own) transplants that almost took her life because of the side effects, this little girl ... is walking again. She's 2 years and 2 months old ... and she's winning an unbeatable cancer!
Tonight, I went to church. Our children's pastor was there. She'd had a really tough battle with infertility. We'd prayed ..and we'd prayed. She'd gone through an awful lot and just when she said "Ok God, your will, not mine" Literally, the next day ...she found out that she was pregnant. Her little girl will be 2 in July. I'd stopped to say hi to her Mamma. As I walked away, her little girl got fussy and called out for me. To have a child who you prayed for .. to have the voice of a baby that you begged God for call your name out and play with you ..smile at you ..is a priceless treasure. 5 years we prayed for that little girl!
Worship team started and in came one of our worship leaders who'd been out. She'd gone through all the infertility with our children's pastor. Only, she started BEFORE the children's pastor ..and it continued long after our children's pastor ended. Many a worship practice time was spent with our hearts and hands on this dear woman who only wanted to be a Mommy to a child ... to teach a child to love God. She really didn't care how that happened. She didn't care ..she just wanted to hold a baby ...and to love a baby. Her arms felt so empty. For as long as I'd known this woman, she'd been trying. During our prayer musical last year, I could see it, in the middle of our singing ...it was tearing her apart. We had a chance to pray for each other DURING the musical. I grabbed her. We prayed together. Shortly after, someone had offered them some donated eggs. It was going to be their LAST shot at pregnancy. They were already going down the adoption route. But, with donated eggs, they'd go ahead and try ...just one more time.
They went to the doctor to get cleared for the donated eggs ...and she couldn't get cleared.
She was pregnant. No implants ...not IVF ... no doctor's ...no medical intervention. Just Love and prayers. And a God that's bigger than we can all imagine.
So a month ago ... her baby boy was born. Cute as a button. Precious and sweet. A good baby, peaceful and calm. I got to hold him tonight. As I held him, I told him just how much he'd been waited for. I told him that I hoped that he always knew just how much we couldn't wait to see him.
I know, before we know it, he's going to be crawling around ..the bouncing off the walls ...and calling my name out ... just like the little girl I prayed for a couple of years ago ... and then ... like mine ... they're going to be getting ready to grow up and be adults ...
What I do know about all 3 of these babies ... healthy or not ...they are deeply loved ..and treasured ...and they will forever be covered in prayers and no one will ever doubt just how much they are valued.
Monday, March 12, 2007
That's Entertainment!
I seem to be offering entertainment, of sorts, to my medical care team.
Last week, I failed to remember significant medical history of my OWN ... which highly amused my doctor. This week ... geesh I can't believe I did this ... I just didn't show up for an appointment.
I had an appointment with my neurologist first thing this morning. I'm driving away ... and I look up. I see, in the window, my orthopedic surgeon standing in the window and I think "hey! There is Dr. H! I see him tomorrow, right about this time!"
I go to the grocery store, then go to a coffee shop to wait for my husband to meet him.
The waitress, a long time friend is quitting on Wednesday, so she wants our phone numbers. I was digging for a piece of paper and I come across an appointment card. 3/12/07 8:50 Dr. H.
3/12/07 ... that's today. Not 3/13/07 ... Tuesday ...tomorrow. 3/12/07 ..8:50 ...that's today .. 8:50 was the time I was driving through the parking lot looking up at Dr. H ... EXACTLY at 8:50 ... going "Hey! I see him tomorrow!" GEESH!!!
So, I called the doctor's office and said "I'm an idiot"
Thankfully, they'd had computer screw ups, he'd had an emergency and they were trying to figure out how they were going to fit their morning in as it was. A missed appointment, for once was a relief, rather than a problem. I'm sure the record people who had to pull my chart for nothing didn't appreciate it.
She got a laugh, and she said she needed the laugh. At least they're not charging me for the missed appointment.
I guess it pays to be a faithfully on time, regular, dependable patient. They know I wouldn't have just done this for the fun of it.
I go back in 2 weeks on Wednesday the 28th ... I verified the appointment 3 times while I was writing it. Duh.
In the neuro's office. It was such an interesting appointment. We talked about where I was and where I am. "Semi remitted" whatever that means *grin* he kind of backpedalled when I started to get a bit hyper over it.
ok ... I get it .. I still need my medications, I still need my time management and I still have to take precautions with medications that I take. BUT ...Myasthenia Gravis does not interfere with day to day management of my life. It doesn't interfere with everything I do or say like it did at one time in my life. This, is a good thing. An extremely good thing!!! I get it! I really do. He evidently realized I got it, because I don't have to see him for a YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now ... if only we could get the lupus as under control as the MG ... I'd be feeling groovy ... however, the lupus does interfere with just about everything. Blah!
Still, given the choice between lupus interference and MG interference ... I'll take what I've got.
He did let me know that lasix wasn't a good idea for me. So, if I need it again, I guess I need to have them call him. He said there were all kinds of things that need to be done first. Something about some kind of lymph something therapy (squeezing the lyph nodes?), pressure hose and some other stuff that went right over my head. Especially if the exact cause isn't known. He really wasn't impressed with the severity of the edema ...to start with lasix he wasn't thrilled with. I told him I wouldn't take anymore. (I've only taken 1 and 1/4 tablets ... I took 1/4 tablet yesterday to see if I could flush the rest of it out) It did make me awfully sick.
And a side note ..this won't make any sense to anyone but the person reading it. E/O, if you read this. Stop ...don't email me, don't contact me. I told you to stop, I mean it. I cannot and will not absolve you. You were wrong. So wrong. You won't find absolution in an email, on my blog or in any way shape or form. You want me to tell you it was ok so that you can prove to your friends that it wasn't. It was. It was horribly terribly wrong. You're barking up the wrong tree. Go away.
Last week, I failed to remember significant medical history of my OWN ... which highly amused my doctor. This week ... geesh I can't believe I did this ... I just didn't show up for an appointment.
I had an appointment with my neurologist first thing this morning. I'm driving away ... and I look up. I see, in the window, my orthopedic surgeon standing in the window and I think "hey! There is Dr. H! I see him tomorrow, right about this time!"
I go to the grocery store, then go to a coffee shop to wait for my husband to meet him.
The waitress, a long time friend is quitting on Wednesday, so she wants our phone numbers. I was digging for a piece of paper and I come across an appointment card. 3/12/07 8:50 Dr. H.
3/12/07 ... that's today. Not 3/13/07 ... Tuesday ...tomorrow. 3/12/07 ..8:50 ...that's today .. 8:50 was the time I was driving through the parking lot looking up at Dr. H ... EXACTLY at 8:50 ... going "Hey! I see him tomorrow!" GEESH!!!
So, I called the doctor's office and said "I'm an idiot"
Thankfully, they'd had computer screw ups, he'd had an emergency and they were trying to figure out how they were going to fit their morning in as it was. A missed appointment, for once was a relief, rather than a problem. I'm sure the record people who had to pull my chart for nothing didn't appreciate it.
She got a laugh, and she said she needed the laugh. At least they're not charging me for the missed appointment.
I guess it pays to be a faithfully on time, regular, dependable patient. They know I wouldn't have just done this for the fun of it.
I go back in 2 weeks on Wednesday the 28th ... I verified the appointment 3 times while I was writing it. Duh.
In the neuro's office. It was such an interesting appointment. We talked about where I was and where I am. "Semi remitted" whatever that means *grin* he kind of backpedalled when I started to get a bit hyper over it.
ok ... I get it .. I still need my medications, I still need my time management and I still have to take precautions with medications that I take. BUT ...Myasthenia Gravis does not interfere with day to day management of my life. It doesn't interfere with everything I do or say like it did at one time in my life. This, is a good thing. An extremely good thing!!! I get it! I really do. He evidently realized I got it, because I don't have to see him for a YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now ... if only we could get the lupus as under control as the MG ... I'd be feeling groovy ... however, the lupus does interfere with just about everything. Blah!
Still, given the choice between lupus interference and MG interference ... I'll take what I've got.
He did let me know that lasix wasn't a good idea for me. So, if I need it again, I guess I need to have them call him. He said there were all kinds of things that need to be done first. Something about some kind of lymph something therapy (squeezing the lyph nodes?), pressure hose and some other stuff that went right over my head. Especially if the exact cause isn't known. He really wasn't impressed with the severity of the edema ...to start with lasix he wasn't thrilled with. I told him I wouldn't take anymore. (I've only taken 1 and 1/4 tablets ... I took 1/4 tablet yesterday to see if I could flush the rest of it out) It did make me awfully sick.
And a side note ..this won't make any sense to anyone but the person reading it. E/O, if you read this. Stop ...don't email me, don't contact me. I told you to stop, I mean it. I cannot and will not absolve you. You were wrong. So wrong. You won't find absolution in an email, on my blog or in any way shape or form. You want me to tell you it was ok so that you can prove to your friends that it wasn't. It was. It was horribly terribly wrong. You're barking up the wrong tree. Go away.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Ironic Fortune Cookie
 | My Fortune Cookie told me: People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house. Get a cookie from Miss Fortune |
I spent yesterday afternoon in the doctor's office/Oklahoma Heart office.
I went in, and she asked me a bunch of questions. I'd seen this doctor before, but my doctor is on maternity leave. (they had a picture, cute cute cute!)
She didn't seem very alarmed ..kind of ..blah ... a chronically ill patient on multiple drugs with edema ..ya? So?
I think she was expecting a little water retention one might get with a monthly cycle.
I pulled off my sandals ..and up my pant legs and her face dropped. Her demenor changed. Suddenly she went back to my chart and started to ask me more questions. Dizziness, nausea, chest pain, sweating ... I can't even remember what all.
then as she had me climb onto the table to examine me, she asked me about family history of blood clots. My mind started to work.
I couldn't think.
Who is it that had the blood clot?
Whas it Grandma B?
Was it Grandma P?
Was it one of my Aunts or uncles? I know it wasn't a parent! Someone, important close to me had a blood clot. I should know this.
I shrugged and said I couldn't think of someone, maybe one of my grandmothers?
Then as she started to touch my foot it hit me ...
"um, Dr. G, I had a blood clot, once"
DUH!!!! DERK !!! DORK !!!!
You'd have thought she touched a hot stove by the way she jerked her hands away. Ok, give up the history! Why isn't in the chart? (I don't have the answer to that one)
It wasn't in my legs, and it wasn't just a clot for clot sake ... I'd had a port that clotted off ...big time ... my whole arm got swollen and purple and and I spent 13 days in the hospital while they tried to thin out my blood with heperin (this should just take 2 days .... 2 weeks later ... I finally got out, fun experience). I spent a year on coumadin fighting the clot/clots in the port. I threw some to my fingers ... and then they took the port out.
Not exactly the same thing ...but ..since it clotted less than 24 hours after it's insertion ... it kind of ...well ... is a necessary something a doctor asking about clots needs to know.
duh
So, after she got over the shock of my revelation, she was ready to check the edema again. She was obviously worried. Deep pitting. She said that she could make caverns in my legs. I thought the left leg was worse, she thought the right leg was worse. (Left leg is bigger, right leg she could make deeper caverns in)
So, she decided to go ahead and do a venous study on both legs. I didn't think anything of it, I've had a zillion ultrasounds.
Um ..er ... YEOUCH!!!!!!!!!YEOUCH!!!!!!! Crud those hurt!
Anyway ... a little while after I got home, I got a call from the doctor's office. Take lasix, keep feet up, and drink water. Follow up in 2 weeks. (increase protien as well)
so all of that ...and it wasn't anything they can tell ... well good!
I went in, and she asked me a bunch of questions. I'd seen this doctor before, but my doctor is on maternity leave. (they had a picture, cute cute cute!)
She didn't seem very alarmed ..kind of ..blah ... a chronically ill patient on multiple drugs with edema ..ya? So?
I think she was expecting a little water retention one might get with a monthly cycle.
I pulled off my sandals ..and up my pant legs and her face dropped. Her demenor changed. Suddenly she went back to my chart and started to ask me more questions. Dizziness, nausea, chest pain, sweating ... I can't even remember what all.
then as she had me climb onto the table to examine me, she asked me about family history of blood clots. My mind started to work.
I couldn't think.
Who is it that had the blood clot?
Whas it Grandma B?
Was it Grandma P?
Was it one of my Aunts or uncles? I know it wasn't a parent! Someone, important close to me had a blood clot. I should know this.
I shrugged and said I couldn't think of someone, maybe one of my grandmothers?
Then as she started to touch my foot it hit me ...
"um, Dr. G, I had a blood clot, once"
DUH!!!! DERK !!! DORK !!!!
You'd have thought she touched a hot stove by the way she jerked her hands away. Ok, give up the history! Why isn't in the chart? (I don't have the answer to that one)
It wasn't in my legs, and it wasn't just a clot for clot sake ... I'd had a port that clotted off ...big time ... my whole arm got swollen and purple and and I spent 13 days in the hospital while they tried to thin out my blood with heperin (this should just take 2 days .... 2 weeks later ... I finally got out, fun experience). I spent a year on coumadin fighting the clot/clots in the port. I threw some to my fingers ... and then they took the port out.
Not exactly the same thing ...but ..since it clotted less than 24 hours after it's insertion ... it kind of ...well ... is a necessary something a doctor asking about clots needs to know.
duh
So, after she got over the shock of my revelation, she was ready to check the edema again. She was obviously worried. Deep pitting. She said that she could make caverns in my legs. I thought the left leg was worse, she thought the right leg was worse. (Left leg is bigger, right leg she could make deeper caverns in)
So, she decided to go ahead and do a venous study on both legs. I didn't think anything of it, I've had a zillion ultrasounds.
Um ..er ... YEOUCH!!!!!!!!!YEOUCH!!!!!!! Crud those hurt!
Anyway ... a little while after I got home, I got a call from the doctor's office. Take lasix, keep feet up, and drink water. Follow up in 2 weeks. (increase protien as well)
so all of that ...and it wasn't anything they can tell ... well good!
Monday, March 05, 2007
It's been a strange weekend. I've realized that my fear of stepping out to deal with the publicity and promotion of my book ...has pushed me into my shell ...farther than I've ever pulled in before. It's safe to say, I think depression has set in. It's weird. Circumstances have never been better. I wouldn't change a thing in my life (except, maybe go back and not write the book) and my inner turmoil has never been louder.
The discussion of maybe I thrive on chaos came up when things started to settle down and my emotions went haywire. As my life became even more settled, and my relief of the settling of the circumsances started to grow, and I started to breathe that I might be able to have a week without a crisis ...and then 2 weeks ...and then three ... it became agreed on. I don't thrive on chaos. Usually those who do ... when things settle down, manage to create chaos of their own. I'm definitely not doing that and enjoying the peace that comes with a peaceful lifestyle.
So, the next theory on the shelf, I think I liked less. There was so much in my past that I'd refused to deal with. That I'd stuffed down with the eating disorder ... or ..forced to put on the back burner to deal with sick kids, body falling apart or housing. I didn't have the bare necessities of security ...so the emotions ... could stay in control.
Now, I'm safe, and I'm secure ...and the past is insisting on being reckoned with. What it's done to me, is insisting on being reckoned with. My emotions feel like this volcano inside. Errupting with hot and fearful force. It was more than I could deal with. I didn't want to deal with it. So, I guess, my head decided it was time to shut down.
Sit here in my nice cozy house, with my wonderful family. I don't go anywhere but church and doctor appointments and I spend an abnormal amount of time sleeping. I don't even go to the blogs I used to visit, or talk to those that I used to. I've kept up with a few blogs ...pretty much the ones that are informative, rather than personal. If your blog was personal in nature, you've likely been one that I've been not visiting quite as often ...or at all.
How bad is it when you withdraw not only from the outside world, but withdraw from your cyberworld as well? hmmmm
So, for those of you who are wondering if I fell off the planet ...or if you offended me or chased me off ...no, you didn't ...not at all ... I guess I just decided that I wanted the world to stop for a while. (Stop the world I want to get off!)
I did an online Wakefield Depression scale. I'd not heard of it before. But it said that if you have a 15 to seek help. I got a 36. Well, good.
So, at some point, I'm going to have to pull myself out of this funk, somehow. I'm on enough meds to not be this way. It's fear that's put me here ... I don't think medications are going to get me out of here. I am afraid that facing it ...is all that's going to work.
I have to go to the primary care doc today. My legs and feet are swollen. Like sausages. My feet feel like someone is pulling a nerve in them when I walk the skin is so tight. I can't get shoes on.
Edema, isn't normal for me. It's happened, but it's not normal.
joy oh joy.
The discussion of maybe I thrive on chaos came up when things started to settle down and my emotions went haywire. As my life became even more settled, and my relief of the settling of the circumsances started to grow, and I started to breathe that I might be able to have a week without a crisis ...and then 2 weeks ...and then three ... it became agreed on. I don't thrive on chaos. Usually those who do ... when things settle down, manage to create chaos of their own. I'm definitely not doing that and enjoying the peace that comes with a peaceful lifestyle.
So, the next theory on the shelf, I think I liked less. There was so much in my past that I'd refused to deal with. That I'd stuffed down with the eating disorder ... or ..forced to put on the back burner to deal with sick kids, body falling apart or housing. I didn't have the bare necessities of security ...so the emotions ... could stay in control.
Now, I'm safe, and I'm secure ...and the past is insisting on being reckoned with. What it's done to me, is insisting on being reckoned with. My emotions feel like this volcano inside. Errupting with hot and fearful force. It was more than I could deal with. I didn't want to deal with it. So, I guess, my head decided it was time to shut down.
Sit here in my nice cozy house, with my wonderful family. I don't go anywhere but church and doctor appointments and I spend an abnormal amount of time sleeping. I don't even go to the blogs I used to visit, or talk to those that I used to. I've kept up with a few blogs ...pretty much the ones that are informative, rather than personal. If your blog was personal in nature, you've likely been one that I've been not visiting quite as often ...or at all.
How bad is it when you withdraw not only from the outside world, but withdraw from your cyberworld as well? hmmmm
So, for those of you who are wondering if I fell off the planet ...or if you offended me or chased me off ...no, you didn't ...not at all ... I guess I just decided that I wanted the world to stop for a while. (Stop the world I want to get off!)
I did an online Wakefield Depression scale. I'd not heard of it before. But it said that if you have a 15 to seek help. I got a 36. Well, good.
So, at some point, I'm going to have to pull myself out of this funk, somehow. I'm on enough meds to not be this way. It's fear that's put me here ... I don't think medications are going to get me out of here. I am afraid that facing it ...is all that's going to work.
I have to go to the primary care doc today. My legs and feet are swollen. Like sausages. My feet feel like someone is pulling a nerve in them when I walk the skin is so tight. I can't get shoes on.
Edema, isn't normal for me. It's happened, but it's not normal.
joy oh joy.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday's World
Whoever was driving the truck that ran over me ... please step up and admit it!!
Geepers Kreepers .. I feel like I've been pushed through a keyhole and pulled back out backwards!
The wind is blowing furiously out there ...stirring up every known and unknown allergen to my body ... and my body is in full rebellion.
It dawned on me today. Today is February 28th, the last day of the second month. I started to think about not having heard from the endocrinologist on my blood test results ... and not hearing when my rheumy appt was for March ...and come to think of it ...when was my last monthly lab test for my Cellcept that I take ... January 6th was the answer to that one.
Well Good.
I did a whopping good job of staying on top of THAT !
I'm also a few months late in my dermatology check. Great place for a skin cancer survivor with lupus to be. I think, I was supposed to do my follow up in July.
I guess tomorrow morning I need to take back control of my health management before it spirals out of control and then I get into trouble I can't deal with. blah.
Boy I'm cranky today.
On the good news front. I found a friend from high school. It's been really cool talking to her through emails. Amazing what you learn about yourself 25 years ago when someone else starts to talk about how they saw you.
I'm watching Dr. Phil and the show on the triplets ... I just had to erase what I wrote ..the shows not over yet ...so I don't think it's fair I comment yet.
Benjamin got in trouble at school. Not much. Not much at all. Actually, no discipline was taken, it was a note sent home. "Benjamin could be doing better in science if he was socializing less"
*WHAT?*
My TURTLE is socializing?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!??!?!???!?!?! He does, a lot at church ... and around family ...but at school?? Never. In 15 years ... he's NEVER EVER gotten into trouble for talking in class, out of turn or any such thing!
He doesn't socialize at church during sunday school ...or any structured time ..it starts, and he turns into a turtle ...it's like learning time shuts him down.
So ... something has happened at this new school ...between homeschooling him and the atmosphere of this new school ...to allow him to feel relaxed enough ... to be a normal kid ...and talk during class!!!
YEAH WHOO!! *grin* Not that I want him to make a habit of it ... but this is a good thing.
Geepers Kreepers .. I feel like I've been pushed through a keyhole and pulled back out backwards!
The wind is blowing furiously out there ...stirring up every known and unknown allergen to my body ... and my body is in full rebellion.
It dawned on me today. Today is February 28th, the last day of the second month. I started to think about not having heard from the endocrinologist on my blood test results ... and not hearing when my rheumy appt was for March ...and come to think of it ...when was my last monthly lab test for my Cellcept that I take ... January 6th was the answer to that one.
Well Good.
I did a whopping good job of staying on top of THAT !
I'm also a few months late in my dermatology check. Great place for a skin cancer survivor with lupus to be. I think, I was supposed to do my follow up in July.
I guess tomorrow morning I need to take back control of my health management before it spirals out of control and then I get into trouble I can't deal with. blah.
Boy I'm cranky today.
On the good news front. I found a friend from high school. It's been really cool talking to her through emails. Amazing what you learn about yourself 25 years ago when someone else starts to talk about how they saw you.
I'm watching Dr. Phil and the show on the triplets ... I just had to erase what I wrote ..the shows not over yet ...so I don't think it's fair I comment yet.
Benjamin got in trouble at school. Not much. Not much at all. Actually, no discipline was taken, it was a note sent home. "Benjamin could be doing better in science if he was socializing less"
*WHAT?*
My TURTLE is socializing?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!??!?!???!?!?! He does, a lot at church ... and around family ...but at school?? Never. In 15 years ... he's NEVER EVER gotten into trouble for talking in class, out of turn or any such thing!
He doesn't socialize at church during sunday school ...or any structured time ..it starts, and he turns into a turtle ...it's like learning time shuts him down.
So ... something has happened at this new school ...between homeschooling him and the atmosphere of this new school ...to allow him to feel relaxed enough ... to be a normal kid ...and talk during class!!!
YEAH WHOO!! *grin* Not that I want him to make a habit of it ... but this is a good thing.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Grand Rounds
Every week, the best in medical blogging is put together in a blog carnival called Grand Rounds. This week, Dr. Dinosaur is hosting. Grand Rounds 3.23
I submitted my post about Don's bout with polio before I even realized there was a suggested theme. I hit send, then went back and read the theme suggestion ... which was ... things of the past. Well ...couldn't have been timed better!
Between being being encouraged to write it that night by Flea's post ...and then it going right along with the theme of Grand Rounds for the week ... I'd say ... it must have all been Kismit!
Hop on over to Grand Rounds and read the rest of the entries. Always informative and a good use of time!
Have a great day!
I submitted my post about Don's bout with polio before I even realized there was a suggested theme. I hit send, then went back and read the theme suggestion ... which was ... things of the past. Well ...couldn't have been timed better!
Between being being encouraged to write it that night by Flea's post ...and then it going right along with the theme of Grand Rounds for the week ... I'd say ... it must have all been Kismit!
Hop on over to Grand Rounds and read the rest of the entries. Always informative and a good use of time!
Have a great day!
Jeremiah 32:17
Oh, Lord God, you made the skies and the earth with your very great power. There is nothing too hard for you to do.
These are two of the paintings given me at my housewarming. I don't have them hanging yet. That's a whole long story. Which, has nothing to do with this post.
This is a shot of Tioga Pass in Yosemite National Park. Look at the power of the water coming over those rocks ... you can almost feel the power of water as it shoots over the edge of the waterfall ... the beauty of the rocks, the sky, the water and the power of it all combine together to form a site that every year has thousands of tourists in awe of what simply exists.
Today, in church, I signed a song. I hadn't signed in a worship service in close to 2 years because of my shoulder. Well, that and a bit of ... nerves. The last tme I was asked to sign, I was unable to sign the song I was asked to sign. I've been signing since I was a young teenager, and well, quite frankly, there had never been anything I hadn't been able to do. Having interpreted at one point, I could sign quickly and effectively, if needed... so a hard song shouldn't have been a challenge. But, this one ... was. It ... unerved me.
I played it for 2 friends who signed ...professionally. Both said they'd not have been able to sign it artistically either. A man who was deaf came to our church 2 months earlier and we'd sang it and I interpretted it just fine. So, I know I can SIGN it fast enough. But to ARTISTICALLY sign it ... I froze. For the first time in my life ... I was 40 years old, and a song was unsignable for me.
Within a few weeks, my shoulder really started to hurt. Signing became impossible, literally, and I didn't have to worry about the fear. It was easy to put it on the backshelf. It, was a non issue!
Then I got my shoulder fixed ... last April. It was probably ready to sign ..by August. But, today was the first day I signed in front of anyone. It was the right song ..at the right moment. I was asked on the spot ..didn't have enough of a chance to say no or to think about it. It was a song that was crying out for me to sign ...
There is a fountain ...who is the King ... Victorious Warrior and Lord of Everything! My Rock My shelter! My VERY OWN! Precious Redeemer who reigns upon the throne!
As I signed ... the power of the fountain in Tioga Pass came to my memory ... Anyone who's had the privilege of standing near a waterfall ...of any size ...can understand the glory of a waterfall ... THERE IS A FOUNTAIN!
Alas, it did make me homesick, again, for the mountains of Yosemite. God is going to have to put Yosemite in my backyard in Heaven ;)
But I'm so grateful for a God who's so powerful, and so gentle at the same time ... so personal ...so protective, my shelter, my rock, My VERY OWN! What a privilege it is to be able to worship.
Oh, Lord God, you made the skies and the earth with your very great power. There is nothing too hard for you to do.
These are two of the paintings given me at my housewarming. I don't have them hanging yet. That's a whole long story. Which, has nothing to do with this post.
This is a shot of Tioga Pass in Yosemite National Park. Look at the power of the water coming over those rocks ... you can almost feel the power of water as it shoots over the edge of the waterfall ... the beauty of the rocks, the sky, the water and the power of it all combine together to form a site that every year has thousands of tourists in awe of what simply exists.
Today, in church, I signed a song. I hadn't signed in a worship service in close to 2 years because of my shoulder. Well, that and a bit of ... nerves. The last tme I was asked to sign, I was unable to sign the song I was asked to sign. I've been signing since I was a young teenager, and well, quite frankly, there had never been anything I hadn't been able to do. Having interpreted at one point, I could sign quickly and effectively, if needed... so a hard song shouldn't have been a challenge. But, this one ... was. It ... unerved me.
I played it for 2 friends who signed ...professionally. Both said they'd not have been able to sign it artistically either. A man who was deaf came to our church 2 months earlier and we'd sang it and I interpretted it just fine. So, I know I can SIGN it fast enough. But to ARTISTICALLY sign it ... I froze. For the first time in my life ... I was 40 years old, and a song was unsignable for me.
Within a few weeks, my shoulder really started to hurt. Signing became impossible, literally, and I didn't have to worry about the fear. It was easy to put it on the backshelf. It, was a non issue!
Then I got my shoulder fixed ... last April. It was probably ready to sign ..by August. But, today was the first day I signed in front of anyone. It was the right song ..at the right moment. I was asked on the spot ..didn't have enough of a chance to say no or to think about it. It was a song that was crying out for me to sign ...
There is a fountain ...who is the King ... Victorious Warrior and Lord of Everything! My Rock My shelter! My VERY OWN! Precious Redeemer who reigns upon the throne!
As I signed ... the power of the fountain in Tioga Pass came to my memory ... Anyone who's had the privilege of standing near a waterfall ...of any size ...can understand the glory of a waterfall ... THERE IS A FOUNTAIN!
Alas, it did make me homesick, again, for the mountains of Yosemite. God is going to have to put Yosemite in my backyard in Heaven ;)
But I'm so grateful for a God who's so powerful, and so gentle at the same time ... so personal ...so protective, my shelter, my rock, My VERY OWN! What a privilege it is to be able to worship.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
1950's aren't necessary anymore
I've posted before about my husband's having had polio and it's effect on his body.
Two things happened today that made me decide to post again.
1. A phone call, on a Saturday, from his Pulmonologist.
2. Flea's post.
I was debating on posting when I read Flea's. That made the decision for me.
My husband, is 51 years old. He contracted polio at the end of the epidemic. Many his age got the vaccination. He, for whatever reason, did not. He was born November 21, 1955. Healthy, strong, large ...and in a tall family. Dark Curly hair, big ears, HUGE smile. Ornery look. I tease him that his childhood pictures look like "The Beav'"
Summer 1959, and he was 3 1/2. He became ill. It soon became apparent it wasn't just any illness but he was very ill. It became a fight for his life and a lifetime fight. Polio put him in an iron lung, took him away from his childhood home in Northern California to stay in a children's hospital in San Francisco where his mom could only visit as she took care of her other 4 children. (No Ronald McDonald Houses then!)
As polio ravaged the body ... eating away the muscle tissue ... crippling his body ... he managed to fight ...with multiple surgeries, unimaginable hours of heat packs and physical therapy, full body casts, hospital stays and even birthdays in the hospital .. He SURVIVED.
His body, is not a normal body.
That, is a picture of a kitten on his rib cage. The curve in his spine, severe, and the rib cage does not expand to leave much room for his lungs.
His chest wall muscles atrophied to nothing, and they fused his back 2/3 of the way up, but did not put a rod in it (they WERE around, we don't know why they did not.)
When I met him, he was 5'5'' on one foot, and 5'3'' on the other. The doctors suspect he'd be ABOUT 6'3'' had he not had polio. That, is how bad the scoliosis & damage is.
He weighs all of 98 lbs. I think I realized just how bad he'd been effected when my youngest was about 8. We were watching a documentary on the Holocaust, as they were throwing the bodies into the mass graves, my son turned to his father and asked "Daddy, did they have polio too?" It struck me, he's THAT skinny! He has THAT much atrophy. Just add the scoliosis to his body, and that's exactly what he looks like!
How he walks, no one is really sure. I've lost track of the number of times that we've been to see yet another doctor to see if something can be done to help him, and the doctor looks around for his wheelchair at the end of the appointment. At that point, we laugh and he hops down from the table. The doctor then, a little embarrassed says "I guess I should examine your gait huh?" Our physical therapist has no explanation for why he can walk. There isn't enough muscle tissue to support his weight ... oh well. It's working, don't mess with success right?
He is wearing out. He needs a cane most of the time now, and we wanted the Habitat house because it was wheelchair accessible for when that's neccesary. Hopefully later than sooner. He fatigues faster than he ever imagined.
The call tonight ... concerns us. He had a sleep study last week. He was hoping to prove that the previous 2 studies that said he had apnea were wrong. The pulmonologist had given him some hope that they'd find something besides apnea, but, there was probably something there, because of the polio/scoliosis.
So, less than a week after the study, he calls, on a weekend evening ... to say "you have apnea, and not only do you have it, it's SEVERE." A regular CPAP won't work. So, the pulm wants to redo the study and try another machine, but my husband couldn't remember what it was. But, he says he's not going to do it, because he (my husband) doesn't think they'll find something to help him. (men!)
I am trying to convince him ... that some help, is better than no help, and unless they find out, he won't know for sure.
In the meantime. If you think that the childhood diseases that we vaccinate against are really harmless diseases ... I challenge you to walk a mile in my husbands body.
Two things happened today that made me decide to post again.
1. A phone call, on a Saturday, from his Pulmonologist.
2. Flea's post.
I was debating on posting when I read Flea's. That made the decision for me.
My husband, is 51 years old. He contracted polio at the end of the epidemic. Many his age got the vaccination. He, for whatever reason, did not. He was born November 21, 1955. Healthy, strong, large ...and in a tall family. Dark Curly hair, big ears, HUGE smile. Ornery look. I tease him that his childhood pictures look like "The Beav'"
Summer 1959, and he was 3 1/2. He became ill. It soon became apparent it wasn't just any illness but he was very ill. It became a fight for his life and a lifetime fight. Polio put him in an iron lung, took him away from his childhood home in Northern California to stay in a children's hospital in San Francisco where his mom could only visit as she took care of her other 4 children. (No Ronald McDonald Houses then!)
As polio ravaged the body ... eating away the muscle tissue ... crippling his body ... he managed to fight ...with multiple surgeries, unimaginable hours of heat packs and physical therapy, full body casts, hospital stays and even birthdays in the hospital .. He SURVIVED.
His body, is not a normal body.
That, is a picture of a kitten on his rib cage. The curve in his spine, severe, and the rib cage does not expand to leave much room for his lungs.
His chest wall muscles atrophied to nothing, and they fused his back 2/3 of the way up, but did not put a rod in it (they WERE around, we don't know why they did not.)
When I met him, he was 5'5'' on one foot, and 5'3'' on the other. The doctors suspect he'd be ABOUT 6'3'' had he not had polio. That, is how bad the scoliosis & damage is.
He weighs all of 98 lbs. I think I realized just how bad he'd been effected when my youngest was about 8. We were watching a documentary on the Holocaust, as they were throwing the bodies into the mass graves, my son turned to his father and asked "Daddy, did they have polio too?" It struck me, he's THAT skinny! He has THAT much atrophy. Just add the scoliosis to his body, and that's exactly what he looks like!
How he walks, no one is really sure. I've lost track of the number of times that we've been to see yet another doctor to see if something can be done to help him, and the doctor looks around for his wheelchair at the end of the appointment. At that point, we laugh and he hops down from the table. The doctor then, a little embarrassed says "I guess I should examine your gait huh?" Our physical therapist has no explanation for why he can walk. There isn't enough muscle tissue to support his weight ... oh well. It's working, don't mess with success right?
He is wearing out. He needs a cane most of the time now, and we wanted the Habitat house because it was wheelchair accessible for when that's neccesary. Hopefully later than sooner. He fatigues faster than he ever imagined.
The call tonight ... concerns us. He had a sleep study last week. He was hoping to prove that the previous 2 studies that said he had apnea were wrong. The pulmonologist had given him some hope that they'd find something besides apnea, but, there was probably something there, because of the polio/scoliosis.
So, less than a week after the study, he calls, on a weekend evening ... to say "you have apnea, and not only do you have it, it's SEVERE." A regular CPAP won't work. So, the pulm wants to redo the study and try another machine, but my husband couldn't remember what it was. But, he says he's not going to do it, because he (my husband) doesn't think they'll find something to help him. (men!)
I am trying to convince him ... that some help, is better than no help, and unless they find out, he won't know for sure.
In the meantime. If you think that the childhood diseases that we vaccinate against are really harmless diseases ... I challenge you to walk a mile in my husbands body.
Friday, February 23, 2007
In A Little While ....
I was 18, and Amy Grant was the princess of Christian Music. I loved her music. I could sing with it and the words spoke volumes to me. There were always a couple of songs that meant a lot to me. A couple, I've never forgotten and think about frequently ... Fat Baby, El Shaddai to name a couple.
But one ... I'd let my mind forget. Or time took over. Not sure which. It was a song that I would play over and over and over again. The tape wore out because, of this song. I'd play it, hit rewind, play it again ...all while driving mindlessly around the city singing it at the top of my lungs.
It really wasn't a top of your lungs kind of song, but it was a top of my lungs song. I have a few of those now. Usually Matt Redman songs. They keep me grounded ...they remind me that God is in my life ...and that he has ME under control even when I don't think He does.
It was a hard song ... it was about a letter from The Father ... I was so freshly grieving the loss of my step father. I wanted it to be a letter from Daddy ...but I learned ...through singing it over and over again ... God is my Father. His Word is a letter to me ...and when I hurt ..that is where I need to go.
A pattern developed in my life ... because the way I was raised, because of the teaching I had ...and in large part because this song reminded me to. The pattern of when I just can't take any more ... to open the Letter from God. To go to His Word ...to find the Words he's speaking to me. I learned that it was temporary pain, and God's Word was eternal. I learned that God loved me no matter how bad my day and my purpose was to live for God.
I didn't set out to learn those things. I think it'd been much harder to learn if I'd known that was what I was working for. But, as so many other times in my life ...God used a song to touch my deepest pain, fear and hurt and to teach me to lean on him.
Many songs have come and gone to replace the song. I hadn't even thought of it years. I doubt I've even heard it since my husband and I got married 19 years ago! We take off in the car tonight ..and our Christian Radio Station KXOJ is having their 30th Anniversary. They're playing a lot of hits ...old and new. They played a song by Petra from the 80's and it was such a thrill to hear. Then suddenly the piano/guitar started ... I felt myself lighten as I about yelled "I remember this one!"
The words started ..and I started to sing along as if it hadn't even been a day since I'd heard it. Then ...the tears started to fall. The years that have passed in between that life line and now ...and how much I learned from it ...and how true it's become. How often the promise in the song has proven true for me. In A Little While ... We're just here to learn to love Him
Got a ticket coming home,
Wish the officer had known
What a day today has been.
Then I stumbled through the door,
Dropping junk mail on the floor.
When will this day end?
But then your letter caught my eye,
Brought the hope in me to life,
cause you know me very well,
And I bet you wrote me
Just to tell me,
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Boy, that letter hit the spot--
Made me think of all Ive got,
And all that waits for me.
Guess Ive known it all day long;
Wonder where my thoughts went wrong.
When will my heart believe?
Waking half way through the night,
Reaching toward the lamp for light,
Picking up the word I find;
Heres another letter
To remind me.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Days like these are just a test of our will.
Will we walk or will we fall?
Well, I can almost see the top of the hill,
And I believe its worth it all.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
But one ... I'd let my mind forget. Or time took over. Not sure which. It was a song that I would play over and over and over again. The tape wore out because, of this song. I'd play it, hit rewind, play it again ...all while driving mindlessly around the city singing it at the top of my lungs.
It really wasn't a top of your lungs kind of song, but it was a top of my lungs song. I have a few of those now. Usually Matt Redman songs. They keep me grounded ...they remind me that God is in my life ...and that he has ME under control even when I don't think He does.
It was a hard song ... it was about a letter from The Father ... I was so freshly grieving the loss of my step father. I wanted it to be a letter from Daddy ...but I learned ...through singing it over and over again ... God is my Father. His Word is a letter to me ...and when I hurt ..that is where I need to go.
A pattern developed in my life ... because the way I was raised, because of the teaching I had ...and in large part because this song reminded me to. The pattern of when I just can't take any more ... to open the Letter from God. To go to His Word ...to find the Words he's speaking to me. I learned that it was temporary pain, and God's Word was eternal. I learned that God loved me no matter how bad my day and my purpose was to live for God.
I didn't set out to learn those things. I think it'd been much harder to learn if I'd known that was what I was working for. But, as so many other times in my life ...God used a song to touch my deepest pain, fear and hurt and to teach me to lean on him.
Many songs have come and gone to replace the song. I hadn't even thought of it years. I doubt I've even heard it since my husband and I got married 19 years ago! We take off in the car tonight ..and our Christian Radio Station KXOJ is having their 30th Anniversary. They're playing a lot of hits ...old and new. They played a song by Petra from the 80's and it was such a thrill to hear. Then suddenly the piano/guitar started ... I felt myself lighten as I about yelled "I remember this one!"
The words started ..and I started to sing along as if it hadn't even been a day since I'd heard it. Then ...the tears started to fall. The years that have passed in between that life line and now ...and how much I learned from it ...and how true it's become. How often the promise in the song has proven true for me. In A Little While ... We're just here to learn to love Him
Got a ticket coming home,
Wish the officer had known
What a day today has been.
Then I stumbled through the door,
Dropping junk mail on the floor.
When will this day end?
But then your letter caught my eye,
Brought the hope in me to life,
cause you know me very well,
And I bet you wrote me
Just to tell me,
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Boy, that letter hit the spot--
Made me think of all Ive got,
And all that waits for me.
Guess Ive known it all day long;
Wonder where my thoughts went wrong.
When will my heart believe?
Waking half way through the night,
Reaching toward the lamp for light,
Picking up the word I find;
Heres another letter
To remind me.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Days like these are just a test of our will.
Will we walk or will we fall?
Well, I can almost see the top of the hill,
And I believe its worth it all.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Monday, February 19, 2007
And That's What It's All About!
First ... I wanna complain about having to switch to the new blogger ... don't like having to switch ... their experimental journey into Beta blogger wasn't all that successful ...forcing everyone to switch ... is rather ... um ...shall we say ... hard handed? I hope they don't have as many problems with the new blogger as they did with Beta!!
Ok ...grouch over.
We had Benjamin's IEP meeting on the 9th. I think it's taken me this long to get over the shock to my system to write about it.
We fought really hard to get into this district.
We worked hard to move here ... we've been working at moving here since Benjamin was 4 years old. He's 15 now. We exhausted every means possible to get out of our mobile home (paid for, lot rent only) and still be able to afford to live ...
We tried ... over and over and over again.
In the meantime ... we fought the district we were living in ... tooth and nail ... for every service Benjamin got. We took them due process two times, mediation once ... and we fought ....and fought ...and fought ...
We fought hard to keep our son learning ...and we were told over and over again .."we don't have to do that" '
"special education doesn't provide for that"
"we don't accomodate for that"
"he doesn't qualify for that service"
We were told some outright lies ....
we were told some half truths
and we were told some white lies
we were told some shocking truths that we couldn't believe they had the GALL to actually say outloud ....
"We don't accomodate for any one individual child, we accomodate for the whole classroom"
"Our LD classrooms are overcrowded, we just pay the fines, it's easier on the school district"
I think the worst ... and most appalling ... and if I had it on tape, I'd have done something about it ... when I complained that Benjamin was failing, and there needed to be something done ...and done now... we were told
" You know, statistically, with his age, gender, learning disabilities and socioeconomic background, no one really expects anymore than the level he's performing. His grades are not going to raise any red flags with the powers that be, so there isn't anything more that we have to do." (referring to the state and federal agencies and No child left behind)
Excuse me ... because he is a junior high boy ... with learning problems and he comes from a poverty level background ... he's statistically expected to fail ...so you don't have to do anything other than let him fail because no one is going to see any red flag when he does fail?????
Well ... I saw red ... I can't remember if that was before I had a blog, or after ...if it was after, it would be posted some where on this blog.
So ... we wanted out ... and finally Habitat came along ... and we applied. Our pastor, didn't have a lot of hope for us ... physically ... it was a lot of work. There were financial requirements ...and quite frankly, he wasn't sure we could meet them. So, while he sadly agreed it was worth applying, he didn't think we could do it. So ... we applied. We, much to everyone's surprise, were accepted ...we barely fit the bottom of the financial qualifications .... we weren't sure about the physical labor ... we'd only have the shot ... we'd have to do our best and see ... our sons education was at stake ...
so ..for 3 years ...we fought ...unfortunately ...some of the fight with the school was going on while some of the fight with Habitat was going on ....
Finally ... we got the house. We moved in ...and after 2 months, I had the nerve to put my son in the school district that we fought so hard to move into.
It took them 3 days to decide what took the former district 4 years to decide. He needs help. It did not take a court order to give that help.
They had originally decided to carry on the former IEP ... until they read it ... they had to re write it because of class time ...then realized ... it wasn't adequate anyway ...so it got re written all together. They kept apologizing to me for having to carry on the behavior plan. I knew he'd had one ... I'd not seen the last one he'd had ...they'd done it without me there ... I couldnt' figure out why the new school kept apologizing ... why in the world are they apologizing ...it's just one to insure his work gets done!
I get to the meeting ... the IEP is unlike one I'd ever seen. Benjamin is 15. We've been dealing with special ed and IEP's since he was 3 ... and it was unlike one I'd ever seen. I'm given this form to go over and I'm overwhelmed by it all ...and the teacher looks at me kind of funny ..I should know this ...
I've never seen this before.
she is very surprised ...she knew she couldn't find it in his file, but she thought it'd been missing ... but not there ...ever? It was a state form ...not a school form ...
The form ...modifications to be made by the teachers FOR the student ....
The only thing we've ever done before is what BJ would do ...
So ... we get this whole list of what THEY are going to do for HIM to help HIM succeed. Probably one of the best ones for him ... assignments and tests ...read to him orally ...and he gets to repeat them back to the teacher so the teacher gets to make sure he understands the questions!
Awesome!!
The behavior modification plan comes out ...apologies start again ... I see it ... the old district has 2 things
Not completing assignments
laziness
My face went numb ...really numb ... badly numb ...with frustration and anger ... as tears welled up ... I described to the teachers what they were saying was laziness ..and how it was really being overwhelmed.
His english teacher verified that he does exhibit that behavior ...and it is in fact overwhelmed.
This regular ed teacher, had him for less than 2 weeks, and had already figured out that it wasn't laziness ...yet these people had him for 2 years and called it laziness.
Last week, I got phone call ... we're sending a new behavior modification plan out ... we had to rewrite that ... we can't ... we CAN'T have laziness on the form ..it's against policy. We've talked about it and went to our special ed director with it. We don't use that word in this district. Especially not in writing ... to label a child as such is destructive.
I expect to get the form with another adjective to replace lazines .... 2 behaviors on the behavior modification ... but when I get it ... there is only the one ...
and it says Student struggles to turn in work ...
I cried .... tears of joy ... This ...is what we fought so hard for. This, is what it's all about!
Ok ...grouch over.
We had Benjamin's IEP meeting on the 9th. I think it's taken me this long to get over the shock to my system to write about it.
We fought really hard to get into this district.
We worked hard to move here ... we've been working at moving here since Benjamin was 4 years old. He's 15 now. We exhausted every means possible to get out of our mobile home (paid for, lot rent only) and still be able to afford to live ...
We tried ... over and over and over again.
In the meantime ... we fought the district we were living in ... tooth and nail ... for every service Benjamin got. We took them due process two times, mediation once ... and we fought ....and fought ...and fought ...
We fought hard to keep our son learning ...and we were told over and over again .."we don't have to do that" '
"special education doesn't provide for that"
"we don't accomodate for that"
"he doesn't qualify for that service"
We were told some outright lies ....
we were told some half truths
and we were told some white lies
we were told some shocking truths that we couldn't believe they had the GALL to actually say outloud ....
"We don't accomodate for any one individual child, we accomodate for the whole classroom"
"Our LD classrooms are overcrowded, we just pay the fines, it's easier on the school district"
I think the worst ... and most appalling ... and if I had it on tape, I'd have done something about it ... when I complained that Benjamin was failing, and there needed to be something done ...and done now... we were told
" You know, statistically, with his age, gender, learning disabilities and socioeconomic background, no one really expects anymore than the level he's performing. His grades are not going to raise any red flags with the powers that be, so there isn't anything more that we have to do." (referring to the state and federal agencies and No child left behind)
Excuse me ... because he is a junior high boy ... with learning problems and he comes from a poverty level background ... he's statistically expected to fail ...so you don't have to do anything other than let him fail because no one is going to see any red flag when he does fail?????
Well ... I saw red ... I can't remember if that was before I had a blog, or after ...if it was after, it would be posted some where on this blog.
So ... we wanted out ... and finally Habitat came along ... and we applied. Our pastor, didn't have a lot of hope for us ... physically ... it was a lot of work. There were financial requirements ...and quite frankly, he wasn't sure we could meet them. So, while he sadly agreed it was worth applying, he didn't think we could do it. So ... we applied. We, much to everyone's surprise, were accepted ...we barely fit the bottom of the financial qualifications .... we weren't sure about the physical labor ... we'd only have the shot ... we'd have to do our best and see ... our sons education was at stake ...
so ..for 3 years ...we fought ...unfortunately ...some of the fight with the school was going on while some of the fight with Habitat was going on ....
Finally ... we got the house. We moved in ...and after 2 months, I had the nerve to put my son in the school district that we fought so hard to move into.
It took them 3 days to decide what took the former district 4 years to decide. He needs help. It did not take a court order to give that help.
They had originally decided to carry on the former IEP ... until they read it ... they had to re write it because of class time ...then realized ... it wasn't adequate anyway ...so it got re written all together. They kept apologizing to me for having to carry on the behavior plan. I knew he'd had one ... I'd not seen the last one he'd had ...they'd done it without me there ... I couldnt' figure out why the new school kept apologizing ... why in the world are they apologizing ...it's just one to insure his work gets done!
I get to the meeting ... the IEP is unlike one I'd ever seen. Benjamin is 15. We've been dealing with special ed and IEP's since he was 3 ... and it was unlike one I'd ever seen. I'm given this form to go over and I'm overwhelmed by it all ...and the teacher looks at me kind of funny ..I should know this ...
I've never seen this before.
she is very surprised ...she knew she couldn't find it in his file, but she thought it'd been missing ... but not there ...ever? It was a state form ...not a school form ...
The form ...modifications to be made by the teachers FOR the student ....
The only thing we've ever done before is what BJ would do ...
So ... we get this whole list of what THEY are going to do for HIM to help HIM succeed. Probably one of the best ones for him ... assignments and tests ...read to him orally ...and he gets to repeat them back to the teacher so the teacher gets to make sure he understands the questions!
Awesome!!
The behavior modification plan comes out ...apologies start again ... I see it ... the old district has 2 things
Not completing assignments
laziness
My face went numb ...really numb ... badly numb ...with frustration and anger ... as tears welled up ... I described to the teachers what they were saying was laziness ..and how it was really being overwhelmed.
His english teacher verified that he does exhibit that behavior ...and it is in fact overwhelmed.
This regular ed teacher, had him for less than 2 weeks, and had already figured out that it wasn't laziness ...yet these people had him for 2 years and called it laziness.
Last week, I got phone call ... we're sending a new behavior modification plan out ... we had to rewrite that ... we can't ... we CAN'T have laziness on the form ..it's against policy. We've talked about it and went to our special ed director with it. We don't use that word in this district. Especially not in writing ... to label a child as such is destructive.
I expect to get the form with another adjective to replace lazines .... 2 behaviors on the behavior modification ... but when I get it ... there is only the one ...
and it says Student struggles to turn in work ...
I cried .... tears of joy ... This ...is what we fought so hard for. This, is what it's all about!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Shock
A bit of a shock to my system ... I planned it for about 3 months .... cutting my hair to try to make it look healthier and thicker ... I don't like it much. I want my long thick healthy hair back. But I'm not going to get it back. So ... Hopefully, I will get used to this.
My oldest son loves it.
My youngest doesn't.
My husband doesn't. (but he was with me and held my hand while I did it)
I don't.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I Always Knew I Belonged Here
A teddy bear, that no one wanted, bought by a little girl ... taken home ... repaired ... and made to be acceptable ...to fit in .. to show that he belonged .. he found a home ...
When the story ends Corduroy sighs and says "I always knew I belonged here"
That's how my home is beginning to feel. I was looking at the pictures on my side bar this evening. The ones of the house in building stage ...the brand new, and empty living room, the brightly painted walls ... the cabinets empty .. and newly built, waiting to house our family.
We've been here for slightly more than 2 months. Yet, it feels more like home than the mobile home did in the whole 6 years we lived there! Before that, we'd lived in a smaller mobile home, and that one, it felt like home. It was older, and there were some repairs that needed to be done ... but it was cute ...and we loved it. It, was home. It was where my kids were born, and where we brought up our babies. We loved that place.
The other trailer, while, we appreciated the thought behind the way we got it ... we never liked it. We didn't like the lay out, the trailer was falling apart when we moved in ...and continued to do so more and more. It just wasn't ours. It was always ... his sister's home.
So we get moved into this house ...and it immediately became home. It was so funny ..the first few weeks were this pendulumn between feeling like we'd always belonged here ... and a question of how in the world did we get here. 2 and a half months later ... it's settled. We belong here.
We've taken our less than perfect family, with our health problems and our disorders and our oddities and our quirks ... and made them fit. We've sewn on the button of acceptance. Now we can sit back, smile in the comfort of our own home and say in all confidence ... "We've always known we belonged here, we are home"
Home Sweet Home
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Attention
Last week, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I've posted about him before. Wanda and I call him Dr. Bobblehead. He's a dear man, and a great psychiatrist. I would dare say, one of the best. However, he has this annoying ability (ok, so it's what makes him good at his job) of being able to read me like a book.
So, he walked into the waiting room from the outside, GLANCED at me ... 1/3 of a second ... couldn't have been more and I knew he knew something was wrong. WHAT THE?!?!?!?#?@#@#adfljkrjwrjoweiouisojwlermwailucovhclnvihweroho;nrmwlaehjoihjc ... ok, swearing over.
This isn't the first time he's known in a heart beat that I wasn't ok. It probably, won't be the last. Especially if history of past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. (growl)
However, I'd walked in determined that I was not going to let him in on the weekend's pain. The fact that he was already keyed in ... just annoyed me more.
So, he can't get me to open up. Flashbacks for him, I'm sure. It took him 2 years to get me to uncross my arms! It probably took him 4 months to get a smile out of me. We were 4 or 5 minutes into the session and I still hadn't said anything about what was happening in my life. I know now, it had to be frustrating for him. He could see it written all over me ...and ... there had to be a reason for the walls I'd suddenly thrown up so high. He knows me too well.
So, rather than let the time go ... he knows that I'm feeling pressure, too much pressure over the success of my book. He comments over my nice new clothes and says that he hopes that I am not feeling pressure to dress up for appointments or that I feel like he's putting expectations on me to look professional.
I immediately tell him that no ...the clothes are not new (they weren't the sweater was 20 years old, jeans and shoes came from Salvation army, purse from a garage sale.) He tells me that they are all well cared for.
I ... became very insulted. I didn't tell him right away ...
So, I start to tell him about Benjamin going back to public school to get the attention off my appearance. But I was LIVID that he'd called attention to my appearance.
I also, as my therapist said today ... was pretty mad that I didn't win the Oscar for my performance that everything in my life was AOK ... because he read me immediately.
So, we get through half the appointment ...finally .. and food comes up. My insulin resistance is brought up. How I'm eating ...and the fact that my A1C is 3.7. He slowly turns around and looks at me.
An A1C of 3.7 is low for anyone ...but for someone with insulin resistance?? It's not likely ...unless ... "you've been fasting, a lot"
yea, well ... it's a stress releaser ...remember? Got a nice little lecture on the body feeding on itself and muscle tissue ...including the heart. yada yada yada ... blah ...
He asked me to please, stop, rest, he's not asking me to be perfect, just stop being self destructive.
You know, if he wasn't so dadgum gentle when he said these things ....
So I got home, and I emailed him ... I told him that I was upset with him complimenting me ... that I didn't feel I'd dressed up ... that I'd worn that sweater because it was wear red for heart disease friday ..and I never come in dressed sloucy and I can't win ... and expectations of me ...and ... and ... and ... basically ... I picked a fight with him.
After emailing back and forth several times. Lots of tears, He being the gentle soul that he is, apologizing immediately, saying we'd touched on a tender area and he was so sorry. It needs to be explored ...
I quickly went into my logical side and wanted to say ..all is forgiven ...let's forget about it ... he, being he ...said oh no, we don't need closure this quickly. If we do, we might miss something important. We've touched on a nerve, and something tender, this needs to be explored.
eyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye ....
All this ... because I didn't want him to notice ... the fact that I didn't want the attention ...got me more attention ... great! growl
So, he walked into the waiting room from the outside, GLANCED at me ... 1/3 of a second ... couldn't have been more and I knew he knew something was wrong. WHAT THE?!?!?!?#?@#@#adfljkrjwrjoweiouisojwlermwailucovhclnvihweroho;nrmwlaehjoihjc ... ok, swearing over.
This isn't the first time he's known in a heart beat that I wasn't ok. It probably, won't be the last. Especially if history of past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. (growl)
However, I'd walked in determined that I was not going to let him in on the weekend's pain. The fact that he was already keyed in ... just annoyed me more.
So, he can't get me to open up. Flashbacks for him, I'm sure. It took him 2 years to get me to uncross my arms! It probably took him 4 months to get a smile out of me. We were 4 or 5 minutes into the session and I still hadn't said anything about what was happening in my life. I know now, it had to be frustrating for him. He could see it written all over me ...and ... there had to be a reason for the walls I'd suddenly thrown up so high. He knows me too well.
So, rather than let the time go ... he knows that I'm feeling pressure, too much pressure over the success of my book. He comments over my nice new clothes and says that he hopes that I am not feeling pressure to dress up for appointments or that I feel like he's putting expectations on me to look professional.
I immediately tell him that no ...the clothes are not new (they weren't the sweater was 20 years old, jeans and shoes came from Salvation army, purse from a garage sale.) He tells me that they are all well cared for.
I ... became very insulted. I didn't tell him right away ...
So, I start to tell him about Benjamin going back to public school to get the attention off my appearance. But I was LIVID that he'd called attention to my appearance.
I also, as my therapist said today ... was pretty mad that I didn't win the Oscar for my performance that everything in my life was AOK ... because he read me immediately.
So, we get through half the appointment ...finally .. and food comes up. My insulin resistance is brought up. How I'm eating ...and the fact that my A1C is 3.7. He slowly turns around and looks at me.
An A1C of 3.7 is low for anyone ...but for someone with insulin resistance?? It's not likely ...unless ... "you've been fasting, a lot"
yea, well ... it's a stress releaser ...remember? Got a nice little lecture on the body feeding on itself and muscle tissue ...including the heart. yada yada yada ... blah ...
He asked me to please, stop, rest, he's not asking me to be perfect, just stop being self destructive.
You know, if he wasn't so dadgum gentle when he said these things ....
So I got home, and I emailed him ... I told him that I was upset with him complimenting me ... that I didn't feel I'd dressed up ... that I'd worn that sweater because it was wear red for heart disease friday ..and I never come in dressed sloucy and I can't win ... and expectations of me ...and ... and ... and ... basically ... I picked a fight with him.
After emailing back and forth several times. Lots of tears, He being the gentle soul that he is, apologizing immediately, saying we'd touched on a tender area and he was so sorry. It needs to be explored ...
I quickly went into my logical side and wanted to say ..all is forgiven ...let's forget about it ... he, being he ...said oh no, we don't need closure this quickly. If we do, we might miss something important. We've touched on a nerve, and something tender, this needs to be explored.
eyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye ....
All this ... because I didn't want him to notice ... the fact that I didn't want the attention ...got me more attention ... great! growl
Friday, February 02, 2007
Aristocratic Title
Pearls and Dreams
Hat tip to Artimis .... Who from hence forth shall be known as Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
Tooo funny ...too funn not to do ...get a title yourself to enjoy the weekend.
So thank you Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
Have a great weekend My Lords and My Ladies!
Hat tip to Artimis .... Who from hence forth shall be known as Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
 | My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Milady the Right Reverend Peggikaye the Omnipresent of Withering by the Wold Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title |
Tooo funny ...too funn not to do ...get a title yourself to enjoy the weekend.
So thank you Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
Have a great weekend My Lords and My Ladies!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Happy Birthday Daddy
Happy Birthday Daddy, I wish you were here. I would give anything to celebrate this day with you. I still miss you. Normally, I give the tribute to you on the anniversary of your death, but this year, that day is the release of my book and it will be a day of celebration, for the first time since 1979. I will not share that celebration with your suicide. It's the end. It's a new beginning. New life. I have a wonderful husband, and two great kids that you should know, and a beautiful house and a new career starting ... and February 5, the day, that marked for so long, the end of life as I knew ... once again, will mark the day of life changing .... but this time, it will be a celebration. I love you Daddy, and I forever will. The year it hit 25 years, I wrote you the following letter ...
Dear Daddy,
It's the end of 2003, in a few weeks you will have been gone from my life for 25 years. I doubt that there has been a day that I have not thought about you. For many of those 25 years-- I have fought the emotions that try to crowd out my brain. I think a part of me feels that when I face it- 'it' you will be gone and then you are REALLY gone, or worse ... I will have to face the anger I have never admitted to having.
Dad, I never wanted to face this, but now I have friends whose lives are in danger and I can face it and be there for them -- or I can run from them and never know if they made it or not.
I don't know where to start, so I'll walk you through my day, the day my life changed forever. The day, you changed my life forever.
I got up that morning and you gave me a ride to school. The last words I ever heard from you were "Peggi, I love you" I went into school that day, wishing desperately that you'd get rid of that awful blue Ford Truck that we had! After all, we lived in the big city of Pueblo now!
I had an exceptionally good day in school that day. I had challened for chair in clarinet and actually won! I will never forget the two songs. "Dust in the Wind" and "Don't Cry Out Loud" I can't stand those two songs now ... especially "Don't Cry Out Loud" ...would you still be here if you'd been willing to cry out loud?
I went into my math class - I hadted that class! We'd taken a test the friday before. I was doing awful in math that year. I knew I was going to disappoint you again. The math teacher handed out the tests - on the top of mine was a big A- ... a 91%!!! I couldn't believe it! I couldn't wait to show you!
The test, challenge for my chair .. a successful challenge! I was finally NOT last chair! You were going to be so proud of me! I couldn't wait for my hug!
School was FINALLY over and I RAN all the way home. I saw the truck in the driveway and burst through the door yelling for you.
You weren't in the living room.
You weren't in the kitchen.
or your bedroom.
I ran down to the basement.
I ran back up to the kitchen and on the dining room table was a note on a yellow note pad. A legal pad.
You must have gone for a walk.
I read the note.
I didn't understand it! But through my confusion, I started to cry. I got to the bottom - "You wil find my body in the shed" I started to run out back.
I could hear someone off in the distance, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I got to the shed door. The screaming continued. I opened the door, and I could still hear that screaming off in the distance.
You were there.
I have never described this to anyone - I guess it's time. I don't know how long I stood there ... listening to the stranger in the distance screaming ... it seemed like forever.
(triggering for trauma)
Did you know that hanging yourself would grossly effect your appearance? Did you know your eyes would be open and buldging?Did you know your lips would be filled with blood and the lack of oxygen turn them bright blue? Did you know that I would be the one to find you? What were your thoughts? Did you regret your decision before you died? Did you know that the image of you hanging there would be forever emblazoned on my mind?
I slammed the door and ran back into the house. The screaming in the distance had never stopped! I called the police, the screaming finally stopped. My throat started to heart, and my ears started to ring ... somehow, I became aware that I might have been the one screaming.
I called the police ... or was it 911? Not sure. They had to calm me down from the screaming ... when they finally got me calmed down I told her that you'd killed yourself. She asked me how I knew -- did I find the body? I told her 'no'
I don't know why.
not sure I ever will I don't think any amount of introspection could reveal the why of a traumatized 14 year olds answer to denial. She asked me if I heard a gunshot. I cried "no, he left a note"
Soon, the neighbor, next door, he worked nights, came to the door. He'd heard me screaming. He came and talked to the operator on the phone. She had him take me next door till the police got there.
The next hours are filled with memories of terror. I only remember so much - and yet, it is all so clear. I remember trying to comfort my mom with quoting Romans 8:28. I am still waiting for that promise to be fulfilled. I cannot see any way shape or form how things are better with you gone from my life. I think you would like who I grew up to be. But I think I would be better with you being a part of my life.
Here is where I stop my story, no matter why I'm telling it, writing it, or thinking about it. I never let myself dig deep. I can't handle the thoughts and feelings it leads to ...so I just don't go there. I've put the facts down but not the feelings, so I guess, it's time to talk about those feelings.
How could you leave me? Did you know my world revolved around you? Didn't you know that you made the fact that my 'real dad' didn't like me ok? Didn't you know that I didn't mind mom ignoring me because you loved me? Didn't you know that I was safe because you were my Daddy?
The memories you gave me have carried on. I can still hear your voice when we sing hymms like When the Role is Called up Yonder or Amazing Grace, or Old Rugged Cross or What a Friend We have In Jesus.
I can still HEAR you sing praises to God and hear you read the Bible verses at the dinner table!
I felt lost without you. Nothing sounded right, smelled right, taksted right or looked right. You're gone, so it's not the same! You were always the one to stand in the gap betwee me and the rejections I got ... from Debbie ...from my real Dad ...from Mom.
When you died, mom got upset and said "who is going to eat the heels" I can remember being very upset. Now, as a mom, I realize it's the little things that count.
At the time, I was mad, I wanted to scream at her that it wasn't about her ... this was about you.
But somethings never change ... it is still about her. Her loss, her grief (which, is real) I can remember when I finally told the teachers at my school that I didn't just find a note, but I found you, (In a traumatic flashback) I heard Mom on the phone with a friend asking for prayer ... she called all of her friends asking for prayer for her ...because she was so hurt that I never told her. She told Judy that I was trying to protect mom, that's why I denied finding you.
Mom went to counseling to help her deal with the knowlege that I'd kept this secret. But she didn't put me into therapy. YOU would have been the person that would have to have helped me through this type of crisis. But you were gone. Worse, you were the cause of the crisis. You were the one who kept the family balanced and you left. You chose to leave!
I learned to hide my grief and fears and sadness. You're not there to help me, so I stopped growing the day you died. Many things that I have had to face in therapy all come back to when I learned to hide from myself -- the day you died. When I denied seeing you.
We had a closed casket funeral. Everyone else wanted open but I couldn't bear to look again. I didn't know at that time that they could fix the grotesqueness that you hanging yourself had caused. I never saw you after seeing you hanging there in your tourquoise pants and shirt with swollen lips that matched the clothes. I never have gotten to hear you sing hymns again.
I have never been the same and to to this day the words 'suicide' or 'kill yourself' or anything of the like sends chills down my spine and a flash picture of you in my mind ...of you hanging there ... in the shed ... and me ...helpless ...someone screaming off in the distance.
I can't bear the thought of loosing someone else by their own hand so I protect myself. If the person I am close to starts talking suicide, I run ... I am no longer friends. So, if they do, I've lost nothing. I cant' feel the pain of grief.
I'm mad your gone Dad! I'm mad you chose to die! I'm mad that you put me in a place of grief. I'm mad that when I needed you to protect me the most, when you had the biggest opportunity to protect me from something you not only didn't protect me but it was YOU that put me in harms way. Daddy, when I needed you the most, you betrayed me. You failed to protect me from the ulitimate rejection: your chosen death.
So, here I am, a dozen pages (hand written) still sitting on the couch and nothing has changed except that I finally admitted that I was angry that you left. Maybe now that it's out I can face my friends grief. Maybe now I can trust myself to protect myself through prayer instead of denial ...to place my heart into the hand of God.
I admitted that you made me angry Daddy. But I still miss you. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. Harold Wayne Pearson January 31, 1929 - February 5,1979
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Dear Daddy,
It's the end of 2003, in a few weeks you will have been gone from my life for 25 years. I doubt that there has been a day that I have not thought about you. For many of those 25 years-- I have fought the emotions that try to crowd out my brain. I think a part of me feels that when I face it- 'it' you will be gone and then you are REALLY gone, or worse ... I will have to face the anger I have never admitted to having.
Dad, I never wanted to face this, but now I have friends whose lives are in danger and I can face it and be there for them -- or I can run from them and never know if they made it or not.
I don't know where to start, so I'll walk you through my day, the day my life changed forever. The day, you changed my life forever.
I got up that morning and you gave me a ride to school. The last words I ever heard from you were "Peggi, I love you" I went into school that day, wishing desperately that you'd get rid of that awful blue Ford Truck that we had! After all, we lived in the big city of Pueblo now!
I had an exceptionally good day in school that day. I had challened for chair in clarinet and actually won! I will never forget the two songs. "Dust in the Wind" and "Don't Cry Out Loud" I can't stand those two songs now ... especially "Don't Cry Out Loud" ...would you still be here if you'd been willing to cry out loud?
I went into my math class - I hadted that class! We'd taken a test the friday before. I was doing awful in math that year. I knew I was going to disappoint you again. The math teacher handed out the tests - on the top of mine was a big A- ... a 91%!!! I couldn't believe it! I couldn't wait to show you!
The test, challenge for my chair .. a successful challenge! I was finally NOT last chair! You were going to be so proud of me! I couldn't wait for my hug!
School was FINALLY over and I RAN all the way home. I saw the truck in the driveway and burst through the door yelling for you.
You weren't in the living room.
You weren't in the kitchen.
or your bedroom.
I ran down to the basement.
I ran back up to the kitchen and on the dining room table was a note on a yellow note pad. A legal pad.
You must have gone for a walk.
I read the note.
I didn't understand it! But through my confusion, I started to cry. I got to the bottom - "You wil find my body in the shed" I started to run out back.
I could hear someone off in the distance, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I got to the shed door. The screaming continued. I opened the door, and I could still hear that screaming off in the distance.
You were there.
I have never described this to anyone - I guess it's time. I don't know how long I stood there ... listening to the stranger in the distance screaming ... it seemed like forever.
(triggering for trauma)
Did you know that hanging yourself would grossly effect your appearance? Did you know your eyes would be open and buldging?Did you know your lips would be filled with blood and the lack of oxygen turn them bright blue? Did you know that I would be the one to find you? What were your thoughts? Did you regret your decision before you died? Did you know that the image of you hanging there would be forever emblazoned on my mind?
I slammed the door and ran back into the house. The screaming in the distance had never stopped! I called the police, the screaming finally stopped. My throat started to heart, and my ears started to ring ... somehow, I became aware that I might have been the one screaming.
I called the police ... or was it 911? Not sure. They had to calm me down from the screaming ... when they finally got me calmed down I told her that you'd killed yourself. She asked me how I knew -- did I find the body? I told her 'no'
I don't know why.
not sure I ever will I don't think any amount of introspection could reveal the why of a traumatized 14 year olds answer to denial. She asked me if I heard a gunshot. I cried "no, he left a note"
Soon, the neighbor, next door, he worked nights, came to the door. He'd heard me screaming. He came and talked to the operator on the phone. She had him take me next door till the police got there.
The next hours are filled with memories of terror. I only remember so much - and yet, it is all so clear. I remember trying to comfort my mom with quoting Romans 8:28. I am still waiting for that promise to be fulfilled. I cannot see any way shape or form how things are better with you gone from my life. I think you would like who I grew up to be. But I think I would be better with you being a part of my life.
Here is where I stop my story, no matter why I'm telling it, writing it, or thinking about it. I never let myself dig deep. I can't handle the thoughts and feelings it leads to ...so I just don't go there. I've put the facts down but not the feelings, so I guess, it's time to talk about those feelings.
How could you leave me? Did you know my world revolved around you? Didn't you know that you made the fact that my 'real dad' didn't like me ok? Didn't you know that I didn't mind mom ignoring me because you loved me? Didn't you know that I was safe because you were my Daddy?
The memories you gave me have carried on. I can still hear your voice when we sing hymms like When the Role is Called up Yonder or Amazing Grace, or Old Rugged Cross or What a Friend We have In Jesus.
I can still HEAR you sing praises to God and hear you read the Bible verses at the dinner table!
I felt lost without you. Nothing sounded right, smelled right, taksted right or looked right. You're gone, so it's not the same! You were always the one to stand in the gap betwee me and the rejections I got ... from Debbie ...from my real Dad ...from Mom.
When you died, mom got upset and said "who is going to eat the heels" I can remember being very upset. Now, as a mom, I realize it's the little things that count.
At the time, I was mad, I wanted to scream at her that it wasn't about her ... this was about you.
But somethings never change ... it is still about her. Her loss, her grief (which, is real) I can remember when I finally told the teachers at my school that I didn't just find a note, but I found you, (In a traumatic flashback) I heard Mom on the phone with a friend asking for prayer ... she called all of her friends asking for prayer for her ...because she was so hurt that I never told her. She told Judy that I was trying to protect mom, that's why I denied finding you.
Mom went to counseling to help her deal with the knowlege that I'd kept this secret. But she didn't put me into therapy. YOU would have been the person that would have to have helped me through this type of crisis. But you were gone. Worse, you were the cause of the crisis. You were the one who kept the family balanced and you left. You chose to leave!
I learned to hide my grief and fears and sadness. You're not there to help me, so I stopped growing the day you died. Many things that I have had to face in therapy all come back to when I learned to hide from myself -- the day you died. When I denied seeing you.
We had a closed casket funeral. Everyone else wanted open but I couldn't bear to look again. I didn't know at that time that they could fix the grotesqueness that you hanging yourself had caused. I never saw you after seeing you hanging there in your tourquoise pants and shirt with swollen lips that matched the clothes. I never have gotten to hear you sing hymns again.
I have never been the same and to to this day the words 'suicide' or 'kill yourself' or anything of the like sends chills down my spine and a flash picture of you in my mind ...of you hanging there ... in the shed ... and me ...helpless ...someone screaming off in the distance.
I can't bear the thought of loosing someone else by their own hand so I protect myself. If the person I am close to starts talking suicide, I run ... I am no longer friends. So, if they do, I've lost nothing. I cant' feel the pain of grief.
I'm mad your gone Dad! I'm mad you chose to die! I'm mad that you put me in a place of grief. I'm mad that when I needed you to protect me the most, when you had the biggest opportunity to protect me from something you not only didn't protect me but it was YOU that put me in harms way. Daddy, when I needed you the most, you betrayed me. You failed to protect me from the ulitimate rejection: your chosen death.
So, here I am, a dozen pages (hand written) still sitting on the couch and nothing has changed except that I finally admitted that I was angry that you left. Maybe now that it's out I can face my friends grief. Maybe now I can trust myself to protect myself through prayer instead of denial ...to place my heart into the hand of God.
I admitted that you made me angry Daddy. But I still miss you. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. Harold Wayne Pearson January 31, 1929 - February 5,1979
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler
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