Short post ...contemplating some thoughts

I've been having some trouble with the success I've had in the last few months.

Good stress ...is still stress.

I've posted about it a couple of times ..and to some people I'm sure it makes no sense whatsoever ... how can you be upset that things are going the way you wanted them to?

Why would anyone go into panic when something goes right?

Well ...

I've been thinking ...

At age 12 ... I was assaulted the first time ... and that's when I started going into survival mode (PTSD diagnostically) and at 14 my step father committed suicide ... and I found his body ... increasing the PTSD ... and I'm not going to start counting off the further trauma's ... let's just suffice it to say ...there is a list that comes down the pike for the next 10 years ...or so.

Finally, at 27, my youngest son is born ... and I would say that the last real TRAUMA was the day they told us that his brain had not fully developed and we saw that MRI ... and the missing brain tissue, along with the Arnold Chiari Syndrome (essentially pinched brain in the back of the brain) and were told that he had Craniosynostosis and talk of craniofacial surgery began .... (this was afer my myasthenia gravis diagnosis, but only by about 8 weeks after)

So ... from 12 to 27 I had a series of trauma's ... that kept me reeling tossed like a ball in a hurricane ... I am amazed that I survived in one piece. My faith, is probably the only thing that kept the ball from going flat ... or popping ... and all that happened is that it got tossed from here to there ... and just didn't do anything but get tossed.

Then ... from 27 to 37 ... I hit survival mode ... I had 2 kids, I was sick ... very sick ... and I had a sick husband and my mom was sick ..and I needed to raise these kids. There was no time to think about any trauma's or any pasts or anything about anything ...and I just needed to get through today to get through to tomorrow and get through to the next day. Thoughts of yesterday or thoughts of the future didn't matter ..survival ... that was the key. One day at a time never had a more literal life than that period of my life.

At 36, I entered treatment for an eating disorder ...and I began to look at my life a bit ...and I started to slow down the survival mode a bit ...and as I approached 37 years old ... the survival mode ended ...and I began to live ... and maybe ... just maybe I would take a chance on dreaming? Would I dare to dream?

I even wrote something about daring to dream. My pastor had me read it in front of the church.

So, I started to have a few dreams ...here and there ... and as I started to dream I realized something .. I had a future ...and if I was going to dream for that future somethings were going to have to change ...and for those things to change ...it was going to take some work ..and for that work ...it was going to take some fight ...and so .. I started to fight for the change ...

and I fought ..and I fought and I fought ...and I won ...and I succeeded and suddenly ... My dreams that I hadn't really taken the time to dream because I'd been fighting for the change were sitting in my lap ...

and I'd never had a chance to plan for success ...or map out a plan ...and I went straight from dream to fight to win ..and there was no stopping in the middle for planning ... and I expected to have 40 years in the dessert before I entered my promise land ...and well ... God didn't lead me around the desert for 40 years ...and instead of trusting God I just freaked out ...

So ... now I need to figure out how to just sit and rest and enjoy the success and map out the plan for the success .... crazy huh?