It's been a strange weekend. I've realized that my fear of stepping out to deal with the publicity and promotion of my book ...has pushed me into my shell ...farther than I've ever pulled in before. It's safe to say, I think depression has set in. It's weird. Circumstances have never been better. I wouldn't change a thing in my life (except, maybe go back and not write the book) and my inner turmoil has never been louder.
The discussion of maybe I thrive on chaos came up when things started to settle down and my emotions went haywire. As my life became even more settled, and my relief of the settling of the circumsances started to grow, and I started to breathe that I might be able to have a week without a crisis ...and then 2 weeks ...and then three ... it became agreed on. I don't thrive on chaos. Usually those who do ... when things settle down, manage to create chaos of their own. I'm definitely not doing that and enjoying the peace that comes with a peaceful lifestyle.
So, the next theory on the shelf, I think I liked less. There was so much in my past that I'd refused to deal with. That I'd stuffed down with the eating disorder ... or ..forced to put on the back burner to deal with sick kids, body falling apart or housing. I didn't have the bare necessities of security ...so the emotions ... could stay in control.
Now, I'm safe, and I'm secure ...and the past is insisting on being reckoned with. What it's done to me, is insisting on being reckoned with. My emotions feel like this volcano inside. Errupting with hot and fearful force. It was more than I could deal with. I didn't want to deal with it. So, I guess, my head decided it was time to shut down.
Sit here in my nice cozy house, with my wonderful family. I don't go anywhere but church and doctor appointments and I spend an abnormal amount of time sleeping. I don't even go to the blogs I used to visit, or talk to those that I used to. I've kept up with a few blogs ...pretty much the ones that are informative, rather than personal. If your blog was personal in nature, you've likely been one that I've been not visiting quite as often ...or at all.
How bad is it when you withdraw not only from the outside world, but withdraw from your cyberworld as well? hmmmm
So, for those of you who are wondering if I fell off the planet ...or if you offended me or chased me off ...no, you didn't ...not at all ... I guess I just decided that I wanted the world to stop for a while. (Stop the world I want to get off!)
I did an online Wakefield Depression scale. I'd not heard of it before. But it said that if you have a 15 to seek help. I got a 36. Well, good.
So, at some point, I'm going to have to pull myself out of this funk, somehow. I'm on enough meds to not be this way. It's fear that's put me here ... I don't think medications are going to get me out of here. I am afraid that facing it ...is all that's going to work.
I have to go to the primary care doc today. My legs and feet are swollen. Like sausages. My feet feel like someone is pulling a nerve in them when I walk the skin is so tight. I can't get shoes on.
Edema, isn't normal for me. It's happened, but it's not normal.
joy oh joy.