Time, Bible, Panic, Contemplations

Pearls and Dreams

So, This may turn into quite a long post. I forgive you now if you don't want to read it.

When I first started to write again, and everyone started to push me to publish ...one of the comments made was "do you know how much money you can make?" (answer ... not much!) I would get very upset, I didn't write for money, or for praises ... and I couldn't seem to get people to understand that I wrote to share what God has done in my life. I wrote, for one reason ...to bring glory to God. To me, that's what it is about ...to others, it means more.

We learned a song in church that I immediately fell in love with ... Only a God like You ...

Only a God Like You

Words and Music by Tommy Walker

For the Praises of man,
I will never ever stand.
For the kingdoms of this world
I'll never give my heart away
Oh shout my praise
My allegiance and devotion
My heart's desire and all emotion
Go to serve the Man
Who died upon that tree
Chorus
~~~~
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
To only my Maker my Father my Savior
Redeemer Restorer Rebuilder Rewarder
To only a God like You
Do I give my praise

*****************************************

So, clung to that, telling God that I wanted nothing more than to bring glory to Him. I wanted to stop writing because it was bringing attention to me, not to God. But, I kept being prompted to write. So, write I did.

Sold articles to Focus on the Family, Tulsa Kids and Community Spirit ... and the writing the book.

I wrote the book, because I thought it was what God wanted me to do ... the follow through to get it published ... was, I thought, an act of obedience. I sincerely did not think it would go anywhere.

When I first found a publisher, my reaction was: what kind of Mickey mouse publisher would actually look at my book? (yes, I actually asked that question to a friend!)

But, they not only wanted to look at it, they wanted to publish it. I let it drop, because ...well, things were chaotic. Ironically, (God thing) a month after things calmed down in my personal life, the publisher CALLED and said "hey, that book you submitted 18 months ago, we still want!" (not exact words) hmmmm

So, I followed through this time. As you all know, it became a published work. Exciting stuff ... heady stuff ...and stuff ...that panic attacks are made of for people like me.

To blog, with my name on there ... I did intentionally, because, I knew I was working toward being published. But, there is still an air of anonymity to blogging, no matter how public the blog is. It is still ...anonymous.

Suddenly, with the book, there are newspapers calling. I have a responsibility to go to book stores and say "Hi, I'm Peggikaye Eagler, this is my book, order it!" I have to have book signings ... many things that a responsible author will do to make sure that the book is a success.

I've kicked, and I've screamed at God ... and I've had some serious, SERIOUS panic attacks over this. No, I'm not going to ...and the reporters come anyway.

So, on January 7th, we sang that song ...and God reminds me ... the book, is for HIS glory ... It's not about me, but it's a tool he's used ... a calling he's given ...so ... I must obey. It's not for my praise, but for him. Suddenly, my heels in the sand ... were working against me ...my declaration about I'm not doing this for me ... was double sided. If I'm not doing this for me, but for God ...then don't I have a responsibility to see it through? (Don't ya hate it when God uses your prayers to stretch you?)

So, the answer is given ... I have a responsibility to do this. This doesn't help the panic. Doesn't help the fear ...and I'm terrified.

I talked to my psychiatrist and he mentions something about hypervigelence and PTSD. It kind of made sense, except, I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop ... I'm terrified I'm going to mess this up. My fear is now stemmed from a fear that I cannot live up to what's been asked of me. I have failed, so many times ...what makes me think this is really going to be different?

The panic wells up in me ...and I become paralyzed. I am coming to realize that ... God understood panic, and panic attacks ...one of the scriptures that I clung to when I was sooo hurt and lonely before my marriage was healed was Psalm 91.

I had to go to a funeral today, and the 'officiator' read that. ('the officiator' is actually our now resigned pastor, he's only been gone 3 weeks, but it was SO good to see him today, didn't get to talk to him, but I got to see him, and he gave me a hug.) and I heard a verse ...anew ... like I'd never heard it before ...

11 He has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go. 12 They will catch you in their hands so that you will not hit your foot on a rock

My eyes about jumped out of my head. I'm so scared I'm going to trip this up, that I'm the one that's going to be the one to drop the other shoe ...that I'm not able to succeed at this ..and there it is ... so that you will not hit your foot on a rock.

That, combined with some other scriptures ...Proverbs 3:21-26
21 My child, hold on to wisdom and good sense. Don't let them out of your sight. 22 They will give you life and beauty like a necklace around your neck. 23 Then you will go your way in safety, and you will not get hurt. 24 When you lie down, you won't be afraid; when you lie down, you will sleep in peace. 25 You won't be afraid of sudden trouble; you won't fear the ruin that comes to the wicked, 26 because the Lord will keep you safe. He will keep you from being trapped.
Proverbs 3:1-5
1 My child, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in mind. 2 Then you will live a long time, and your life will be successful. 3 Don't ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet. 4 Then you will be respected and will please both God and people. 5 Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. 6 Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.

The realization that God, understood that I would be afraid of the sudden fear, the panic ...and that I would be afraid of the success, that I can't do it ... is quite the revelation.

I don't know how in the world I'm going to come up with the courage to walk into the bookstores. I don't imagine when it comes time for book signings that I'm going to be thrilled. I will not be overly thrilled at speaking engagements (already been asked to do one). But, I can, and probably will get used to it ...because I'm seeking after God ...and I'm trying to do His will ...and this is ...about bringing glory to Him.

Now, if only I can remember this all when the panic attacks hit ...*crossing eyes & a Moofie cough*