Pearls and Dreams
In checking out the blogs I visit every day, I checked out one of my favorite, Dr. Charles. This evening, he posted what he called a 'Traveling Story' He'd started a story, then sent it through email to several other medical bloggers, and they came up with quite an interesting tale.
A frighteningly realistic feel & look into mental illness and relationships gone bad. (none of the characters are real they assure us, but they seem real enough while reading!)
Take a few minutes, enjoy the story and be grateful.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Thursday, March 31, 2005
5Q4 Questions for Deneice
Pearls and Dreams
My second taker on the interview is Deneice at the Journey, her answers will be found here when she gets the questions and gets them answered. Deneice, the one at the bottom was sarcastic, and doesn't really need to be answered! ;)
1. In the 5 years that we have been friends, I have seen you in prayer ministry, youth ministry & now children's ministry. I know where your heart is, but for the sake of this interview, pretend I don't. If you could set up a ministry from the ground up, and God guarenteed you of earthly success (funding, support, place) what would it be? And what would you do to ensure it was a spiritual success as well as an earlthy success?
2. When you see God face to face, and he says "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" (and I assure you, my friend, he will!) What is going to be your response? What would you like your response to be?
3. What is YOUR dream for the kids in your ministry that you're touching today? What about future kids?
4. You're getting ready to go to a conference, what do you expect to take away from that conference that will help you in your ministry? In your personal life?
5. What is the best vacation you have ever taken, and why?
6. bonus question ... why can't your friend Pk follow directions and just ask one question per number? ;)
My second taker on the interview is Deneice at the Journey, her answers will be found here when she gets the questions and gets them answered. Deneice, the one at the bottom was sarcastic, and doesn't really need to be answered! ;)
1. In the 5 years that we have been friends, I have seen you in prayer ministry, youth ministry & now children's ministry. I know where your heart is, but for the sake of this interview, pretend I don't. If you could set up a ministry from the ground up, and God guarenteed you of earthly success (funding, support, place) what would it be? And what would you do to ensure it was a spiritual success as well as an earlthy success?
2. When you see God face to face, and he says "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" (and I assure you, my friend, he will!) What is going to be your response? What would you like your response to be?
3. What is YOUR dream for the kids in your ministry that you're touching today? What about future kids?
4. You're getting ready to go to a conference, what do you expect to take away from that conference that will help you in your ministry? In your personal life?
5. What is the best vacation you have ever taken, and why?
6. bonus question ... why can't your friend Pk follow directions and just ask one question per number? ;)
5Q4 Questions for Dangerous Mind
Pearls and Dreams
Ok, here ya go .... Dangerous Mind is my first taker on my turn to interview, so here are his interview questions. Look for his answers here.
1 You make no attempt to hide your diagnosis of bi polar, how has that helped you and hurt you in today's society that his just starting to acknowlege that these things should not be swept under the carpet?
2. A while back, you stayed home from work and played games with your kids. You seemed taken by surprise by how much that was enjoyable to you. What is your favorite part of being a parent, husband, family man? What would you change if you could? What quality do you have that they pass down to their own families?
3. You obviously use humor to deal with very difficult issues in your life. Do you ever use humor to bury issues to keep you from having to deal with those issues?(denial)
4. Why did you choose the career you do? What career would you have chosen if you knew then what you know now? What things are your favorite about your career, what things would you enjoy about the career not taken?
5. What one thing do you hope to be able to say on your death bed that you were able to do in this life? (how 'bout that, just one question for that question!)
Ok, here ya go .... Dangerous Mind is my first taker on my turn to interview, so here are his interview questions. Look for his answers here.
1 You make no attempt to hide your diagnosis of bi polar, how has that helped you and hurt you in today's society that his just starting to acknowlege that these things should not be swept under the carpet?
2. A while back, you stayed home from work and played games with your kids. You seemed taken by surprise by how much that was enjoyable to you. What is your favorite part of being a parent, husband, family man? What would you change if you could? What quality do you have that they pass down to their own families?
3. You obviously use humor to deal with very difficult issues in your life. Do you ever use humor to bury issues to keep you from having to deal with those issues?(denial)
4. Why did you choose the career you do? What career would you have chosen if you knew then what you know now? What things are your favorite about your career, what things would you enjoy about the career not taken?
5. What one thing do you hope to be able to say on your death bed that you were able to do in this life? (how 'bout that, just one question for that question!)
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
5Q4 Interviews
Pearls and Dreams
Well, Wilsonian, over at Biscotti Brain clued me into a blog interview going around and sent me over to Garth at http://emergingblurb.blogspot.com/
The idea, is someone asks you 5 questions on their own blog, but you answer them on yours. Then, the first 5 people who leave comments, get 'interviewed' by the blogger. Garth has given me the following questions, and I get to participate again in a day or two when Wilsonian asks me a set of 5, with a twist of an added question!!
So, here's the questions Garth asked me and my answers! Any takers on me interviewing you?
5Q4 Dreaming Again
Your profile says you are a freelance writer in religion. Where do your writings appear and what sorts of things do you write about?
I have had a couple of articles in Focus on the Family's newsletter "Focus on Your Child's Early Stages" I have had one in the local magazine Tulsa Kids, and one in our local Community Spirit (a Christian Magazine), both are local, but nationally award winning magazines. I have also had 2 articles, accepted, but yet to be published in The Gem, a Church of God, Cleavland Tennessee, publication. And then several other smaller publications, that no one outside of Tulsa area would probably ever see. I have another one for Focus on the Family, but one Editor said to send it to another one, and my computer crashed, and I haven't re entered it and sent it ... need to do that, it's a good 'start of school' article ... need to get it so they'll use it this August!
The Focus on the Family articles were on my youngest son's learning disabilities and how God used those to strengthen MY relationship with HIM(God). The Tulsa Kids was a longer version of one of the Focus on the Family article (1600 words in TK, 400 in FoF), Community Spirit was on my spiritual growth through my eating disorder recovery process. The other's have been about God healing my broken heart.
I have also written a devotional book using poetry & essays, I don't have it published yet.
2. Can you do the how we see truth test (which is in green font) and tell us which characters you would choose as most honest/moral and why?
Wow, expected a different type of test there!
Honestly, hmmm ... ok ... how do I answer this, given the options, I'd have to pick Little John, Marion, Robin, Sheriff. However ...they were ALL wrong, they all did things that were out of bounds and they all did things that would cross the lines of God's plan for ultimate best for us. Would God forgive them? YES, absolutely!!!!! Would it block them from heaven? Nope, not if they repented, but motivation for sin isn''t what God measures what is or is not sin. Obedience is.
I picked Little John first because he seemed to be along for the ride and did less of his own individual sin, however, sinning to go along with the crowd is no less sin.
Marion next, because ...well, while what she did was WRONG, She didn't compound her robbery of others with sexual sin, she just had the one sin. Her heart was in the right place even if her body wasn't.
Robin Hood next, The guy really has issues in this ya know? First he thinks it's ok to break God's law about stealing and taking from others and expects to NOT get punished, and then when someone he loves does soemthing (although definitely WRONG) instead of taking her in his arms and forgiving her and saying "We need to go to God and repent together" he blasts her ...when had he not been robbing from the rich to begin with, she'd never have been put in the situation of being made to make that choice to begin with!
Sherrif ... Had he not been a crooked sherrif, Robin & Little John wouldn't have had to steal, so they never would have NEEDED to be arrested, he never should have put Maid Marion in that position ... and he's just plain the root of the problem and his heart isn't right regardless. While the other three all had motivations that led them to do the wrong things for the right reasons, he did the wrong things for the wrong reasons and he just has no excuse whatsoever. Period.
3.Your site is called Pearls and Dreams...what important thing do you want to achieve with your life, what is your 'Dream' ?
I want to be able to share with others that they don't have to live with a broken, wounded heart. That regardless of how they see themselves, that God loves them, created them for a purpose and that He planned for them to be just like they are. I want people, especially women, young women and girls to see that they are created in God's image and they are special to God, if they have chosen Christ, they are not in God's kingdom by default, but by God's design ... he wants EVERYONE, every human to choose, and he didn't just let me, or them or anyone in because when he created the earth, he didn't plan on that one person being created, but because of his soveriegnty has to allow them into His Kingdom.
I want to share the joy of developing a relationship with God even through struggles and strains of life, and how even when God seems far away, that when you get two steps away from the pain, you can see that he really has been the closest ever.
My dream is to see little girls and teens grow into adults with a passion for God without the heartbreak of an eating disorder or poor self esteem because they understand that God thinks about them more often than they can imagine. My dream is to see women who've made it to adulthood with wounded hearts, see those hearts healed ...
4.What got you started blogging? My friend Deneice (now spelled correctly!!!!!) at The Journey. She kept suggesting that I'd like doing it. As much as I've always liked writing, I've never been a good diary keeper or journal keeper, so I wasn't at all sure I could do it. When my computer crashed last year, and I got a new (used) one last October and got back on line, I decided to give it a go, and I'm hopelessly hooked.
5.What do you see as real indicators of the spiritual health of a church community
My church has a purpose statement : To give Support to people to become fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ.
The emphasis in on the giving support, and that I think is the real indicator ... are people getting supported ... in Bible study, growth, spiritual matters.
Are they having physical needs met? Do they have poor people in the church as well as wealthy? Do the poor in the church feel as much a part of the church as the wealthy do?
I think the MOST important measure is ... where are the people today compared to a year ago? Not financially, not where they live ..but spiritually? Have they grown? Doesn't matter where they start individually or where they are today individually, but have they EACH made some kind of progression in the past year? Have they made progress? Do they know more than they knew on this date last year? Is there a temptation that they can now withstand that a year ago they'd never have been able to withstand? Is there knowlege that they have now that they can act on, that a year ago, they didn't understand how to act on? Do they have more wisdom than they had a year ago? Are they praying more than they did a year ago? Are they spending more time in the prescence of God than a year ago.
Some of those people will have taken just a few steps in that year, some will have taken leaps and bounds ... most will be in the middle. Some will have started at the beginning and some will already be toward the end, but in a health growing church, no one should be static, everyone should be progressing forward.
this was interesting, harder than I thought. Thank you for the opportunity!
Well, Wilsonian, over at Biscotti Brain clued me into a blog interview going around and sent me over to Garth at http://emergingblurb.blogspot.com/
The idea, is someone asks you 5 questions on their own blog, but you answer them on yours. Then, the first 5 people who leave comments, get 'interviewed' by the blogger. Garth has given me the following questions, and I get to participate again in a day or two when Wilsonian asks me a set of 5, with a twist of an added question!!
So, here's the questions Garth asked me and my answers! Any takers on me interviewing you?
5Q4 Dreaming Again
Your profile says you are a freelance writer in religion. Where do your writings appear and what sorts of things do you write about?
I have had a couple of articles in Focus on the Family's newsletter "Focus on Your Child's Early Stages" I have had one in the local magazine Tulsa Kids, and one in our local Community Spirit (a Christian Magazine), both are local, but nationally award winning magazines. I have also had 2 articles, accepted, but yet to be published in The Gem, a Church of God, Cleavland Tennessee, publication. And then several other smaller publications, that no one outside of Tulsa area would probably ever see. I have another one for Focus on the Family, but one Editor said to send it to another one, and my computer crashed, and I haven't re entered it and sent it ... need to do that, it's a good 'start of school' article ... need to get it so they'll use it this August!
The Focus on the Family articles were on my youngest son's learning disabilities and how God used those to strengthen MY relationship with HIM(God). The Tulsa Kids was a longer version of one of the Focus on the Family article (1600 words in TK, 400 in FoF), Community Spirit was on my spiritual growth through my eating disorder recovery process. The other's have been about God healing my broken heart.
I have also written a devotional book using poetry & essays, I don't have it published yet.
2. Can you do the how we see truth test (which is in green font) and tell us which characters you would choose as most honest/moral and why?
Wow, expected a different type of test there!
Honestly, hmmm ... ok ... how do I answer this, given the options, I'd have to pick Little John, Marion, Robin, Sheriff. However ...they were ALL wrong, they all did things that were out of bounds and they all did things that would cross the lines of God's plan for ultimate best for us. Would God forgive them? YES, absolutely!!!!! Would it block them from heaven? Nope, not if they repented, but motivation for sin isn''t what God measures what is or is not sin. Obedience is.
I picked Little John first because he seemed to be along for the ride and did less of his own individual sin, however, sinning to go along with the crowd is no less sin.
Marion next, because ...well, while what she did was WRONG, She didn't compound her robbery of others with sexual sin, she just had the one sin. Her heart was in the right place even if her body wasn't.
Robin Hood next, The guy really has issues in this ya know? First he thinks it's ok to break God's law about stealing and taking from others and expects to NOT get punished, and then when someone he loves does soemthing (although definitely WRONG) instead of taking her in his arms and forgiving her and saying "We need to go to God and repent together" he blasts her ...when had he not been robbing from the rich to begin with, she'd never have been put in the situation of being made to make that choice to begin with!
Sherrif ... Had he not been a crooked sherrif, Robin & Little John wouldn't have had to steal, so they never would have NEEDED to be arrested, he never should have put Maid Marion in that position ... and he's just plain the root of the problem and his heart isn't right regardless. While the other three all had motivations that led them to do the wrong things for the right reasons, he did the wrong things for the wrong reasons and he just has no excuse whatsoever. Period.
3.Your site is called Pearls and Dreams...what important thing do you want to achieve with your life, what is your 'Dream' ?
I want to be able to share with others that they don't have to live with a broken, wounded heart. That regardless of how they see themselves, that God loves them, created them for a purpose and that He planned for them to be just like they are. I want people, especially women, young women and girls to see that they are created in God's image and they are special to God, if they have chosen Christ, they are not in God's kingdom by default, but by God's design ... he wants EVERYONE, every human to choose, and he didn't just let me, or them or anyone in because when he created the earth, he didn't plan on that one person being created, but because of his soveriegnty has to allow them into His Kingdom.
I want to share the joy of developing a relationship with God even through struggles and strains of life, and how even when God seems far away, that when you get two steps away from the pain, you can see that he really has been the closest ever.
My dream is to see little girls and teens grow into adults with a passion for God without the heartbreak of an eating disorder or poor self esteem because they understand that God thinks about them more often than they can imagine. My dream is to see women who've made it to adulthood with wounded hearts, see those hearts healed ...
4.What got you started blogging? My friend Deneice (now spelled correctly!!!!!) at The Journey. She kept suggesting that I'd like doing it. As much as I've always liked writing, I've never been a good diary keeper or journal keeper, so I wasn't at all sure I could do it. When my computer crashed last year, and I got a new (used) one last October and got back on line, I decided to give it a go, and I'm hopelessly hooked.
5.What do you see as real indicators of the spiritual health of a church community
My church has a purpose statement : To give Support to people to become fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ.
The emphasis in on the giving support, and that I think is the real indicator ... are people getting supported ... in Bible study, growth, spiritual matters.
Are they having physical needs met? Do they have poor people in the church as well as wealthy? Do the poor in the church feel as much a part of the church as the wealthy do?
I think the MOST important measure is ... where are the people today compared to a year ago? Not financially, not where they live ..but spiritually? Have they grown? Doesn't matter where they start individually or where they are today individually, but have they EACH made some kind of progression in the past year? Have they made progress? Do they know more than they knew on this date last year? Is there a temptation that they can now withstand that a year ago they'd never have been able to withstand? Is there knowlege that they have now that they can act on, that a year ago, they didn't understand how to act on? Do they have more wisdom than they had a year ago? Are they praying more than they did a year ago? Are they spending more time in the prescence of God than a year ago.
Some of those people will have taken just a few steps in that year, some will have taken leaps and bounds ... most will be in the middle. Some will have started at the beginning and some will already be toward the end, but in a health growing church, no one should be static, everyone should be progressing forward.
this was interesting, harder than I thought. Thank you for the opportunity!
Reminders of Aging & Health
Pearls and Dreams
Ok, I have no hope of this actually making it into the blogsphere, but, blogging is supposed to be as much about journalling right?
Ok, so here goes nothing ... quite literally (grin)
Last summer, I went in for my very first old lady test ...er... mamogram. It was not normal, but it was not cancerous, however, they were slightly concerned, so they told me to come back in 6 months to repeat it ...after doing several different views and making me 'visit' with the onsight oncologist.
(still don't get that, if it's not cancerous, then WHY do I have to visit with the oncologist????)
Ok, so, January comes and goes, and I'm reeling from the skin cancer and the metabolic disorder diagnosis & the fall and I forget to make the 6 month follow up appointment (that's my story & I'm sticking to it!). I get a postcard in February saying "Hello Mrs. Eagler, because of your abnormal mamogram and your other numerous health concerns, we need you to please come in and follow up with your mamogram. Cases like yours, can change before symptoms appear, it is very important you follow through with recommended follow up mamograms & health screenings to catch any concerns as early as possible!" Growl.
I put the postcard in my purse.
Don goes into the hospital and I forget about it. (Ok, so I see the blasted postcard every day I get into my purse, but geesh ... I'm TRYING to forget about it!)
So finally, Orac posts a 4th in a series on denial http://oracknows.blogspot.com/2005/03/deadly-power-of-denial-part-4-denial.html
this time, his own, as a doctor, but it gives me enough of a kick in the pants to make that call and schedule the appointment. Besides, I'm going to be seeing my primary care, my neuro and my rheumatologist in April and if any of the three figure out I've stalled on this, I'll get one of the "you have to take care of yourself" lectures.
So today was the fateful day. I go in. I'm literally SHAKING in my shoes. Part of me is thinking this is stupid, they are not going to find anything, so why bother doing this, the other part of me is looking at the faces of the women in there and wondering why they are there ... are they there for worse reasons than I? Are they there for screenings or for cancer? Are they a survivor or a family member of a survivor?
A woman comes out of the room with another woman, the second woman is obviously close to my age, early 40's (although, I'm JUST 40) but she is obviously mentally still a child. She is crying ... "Mommy, they hurt me! Why did they hurt me?" My heart was broken for this woman and her mother. It made me think of my pastor's daughter with down's syndrome and how are they going to deal with her when she's this age? It also made me wonder about my own child's future ... thanking God that he already has enough mental awareness & understanding to comprehend something like this even if he CAN'T ever make it 'on his own'. The poor mother had tears in her eyes as she said "I know they hurt you honey, but they had to make sure you don't have something that could kill you" and the woman took the woman/girl in her arms and held her like I held my kids after a vaccination when they were younger.
A few minutes later, my name was called, the same technition that did my mamogram last summer was there and she remembered me. ( was it the myasthenia gravis/lupus + many medicines or the name Peggikaye being so unusual?)
She had me change, and took me to the room. I started to shake even harder, I was sure she could see it, I'm sure she did, because her normally kind, gentle nature became even more gentle & kind.
As she started to take the pictures, she kept apologizing, saying it was necessary to get to the chest wall, because the abnormalities were up against the chest wall. She took 2 views of both sides, and started to take one of my right and I fainted. Whoops.
When I came to, I don't know why I fainted, it was warm in the room, but was I locking my knee? I tend to not breath when I'm mad, confused, scared or whatever. When I was a child, when I'd get mad, I'd hold my breath till I passed out and then have a seizure (I also had seizures out of the blue too). I fainted in my Grandmother's wedding ...but that was possibly holding my breath ... possibly eating disorder related. When I was pregnant, I was in college and studying something that was NOT making sense ... and I was in the library ... and I fainted.
I also fainted in the piano lab while practicing. So my guess is, I wasn't breathing. (I HAD eaten just before going, eating disorder doesn't get the blame this time! Hopefully my reason for getting the stress test & echocardiogram on Monday also has nothing to do with it!)
So, they give me a chance to collect myself, make sure I'm ok, and they finish taking the views, and they go to check the films. She comes in and says "I need two more views of the right breast."
Hmmmmm
Ok, so she takes them. Goes to check them. Comes back in and says "It's going to be a few more minutes, I want to show these to the radiologist"
I start to get dizzy again. But I'm sitting, so I figure I'm safe.
(although, I'm getting dizzy as I type this!)
So, she comes in a few minutes later with a glass of water for me and tells me it will be a few more minutes and then in walks Dr. Oncologist ... EXCUSE ME?????????
He first makes sure that I'm ok from my fainting episode and is taking my blood pressure which he thinks is alarmingly low (no kidding, I fainted dude!) at 90/55. I tell him my normal is 110/60 something and he gives me a funny look and goes on. He informs me that they are a bit surprised by the increase in size of the calcification since my last mamogram. While they knew it could change, that's why the request for 6 month follow up, they did not expect this size of a change. He asked me about pain and other symptoms. Then I went through about 20 minute discussion of my lupus.
He's going to be calling my rheumatologist this evening or tomorrrow. He said that my primary care doctor, my rheumatologist & my neurologist will all have the report by the end of the week.
Then he says, at this time, he is still sure it's calcifications, whether it's caused by medications, a not so good genetic makeup, which is evidenced by my other health problems, or to do with the lupus, he can't tell me, however, he wants me back in July. If there is any more changes ... he wants to explore them 'physically'.
I said "needle biopsy?" He said 'probably surgery of some kind, let's cross that bridge when we come to it and make sure it's not the lupus acting up in the meantime.'
I have never heard of lupus effecting breasts ...however, they call it systemic because it can effect all systems ... so??????????
Anyway ... Here we go round the mulberry bush!!!
Orac ... don't know whether to thank you or growl at you!
Ok, I have no hope of this actually making it into the blogsphere, but, blogging is supposed to be as much about journalling right?
Ok, so here goes nothing ... quite literally (grin)
Last summer, I went in for my very first old lady test ...er... mamogram. It was not normal, but it was not cancerous, however, they were slightly concerned, so they told me to come back in 6 months to repeat it ...after doing several different views and making me 'visit' with the onsight oncologist.
(still don't get that, if it's not cancerous, then WHY do I have to visit with the oncologist????)
Ok, so, January comes and goes, and I'm reeling from the skin cancer and the metabolic disorder diagnosis & the fall and I forget to make the 6 month follow up appointment (that's my story & I'm sticking to it!). I get a postcard in February saying "Hello Mrs. Eagler, because of your abnormal mamogram and your other numerous health concerns, we need you to please come in and follow up with your mamogram. Cases like yours, can change before symptoms appear, it is very important you follow through with recommended follow up mamograms & health screenings to catch any concerns as early as possible!" Growl.
I put the postcard in my purse.
Don goes into the hospital and I forget about it. (Ok, so I see the blasted postcard every day I get into my purse, but geesh ... I'm TRYING to forget about it!)
So finally, Orac posts a 4th in a series on denial http://oracknows.blogspot.com/2005/03/deadly-power-of-denial-part-4-denial.html
this time, his own, as a doctor, but it gives me enough of a kick in the pants to make that call and schedule the appointment. Besides, I'm going to be seeing my primary care, my neuro and my rheumatologist in April and if any of the three figure out I've stalled on this, I'll get one of the "you have to take care of yourself" lectures.
So today was the fateful day. I go in. I'm literally SHAKING in my shoes. Part of me is thinking this is stupid, they are not going to find anything, so why bother doing this, the other part of me is looking at the faces of the women in there and wondering why they are there ... are they there for worse reasons than I? Are they there for screenings or for cancer? Are they a survivor or a family member of a survivor?
A woman comes out of the room with another woman, the second woman is obviously close to my age, early 40's (although, I'm JUST 40) but she is obviously mentally still a child. She is crying ... "Mommy, they hurt me! Why did they hurt me?" My heart was broken for this woman and her mother. It made me think of my pastor's daughter with down's syndrome and how are they going to deal with her when she's this age? It also made me wonder about my own child's future ... thanking God that he already has enough mental awareness & understanding to comprehend something like this even if he CAN'T ever make it 'on his own'. The poor mother had tears in her eyes as she said "I know they hurt you honey, but they had to make sure you don't have something that could kill you" and the woman took the woman/girl in her arms and held her like I held my kids after a vaccination when they were younger.
A few minutes later, my name was called, the same technition that did my mamogram last summer was there and she remembered me. ( was it the myasthenia gravis/lupus + many medicines or the name Peggikaye being so unusual?)
She had me change, and took me to the room. I started to shake even harder, I was sure she could see it, I'm sure she did, because her normally kind, gentle nature became even more gentle & kind.
As she started to take the pictures, she kept apologizing, saying it was necessary to get to the chest wall, because the abnormalities were up against the chest wall. She took 2 views of both sides, and started to take one of my right and I fainted. Whoops.
When I came to, I don't know why I fainted, it was warm in the room, but was I locking my knee? I tend to not breath when I'm mad, confused, scared or whatever. When I was a child, when I'd get mad, I'd hold my breath till I passed out and then have a seizure (I also had seizures out of the blue too). I fainted in my Grandmother's wedding ...but that was possibly holding my breath ... possibly eating disorder related. When I was pregnant, I was in college and studying something that was NOT making sense ... and I was in the library ... and I fainted.
I also fainted in the piano lab while practicing. So my guess is, I wasn't breathing. (I HAD eaten just before going, eating disorder doesn't get the blame this time! Hopefully my reason for getting the stress test & echocardiogram on Monday also has nothing to do with it!)
So, they give me a chance to collect myself, make sure I'm ok, and they finish taking the views, and they go to check the films. She comes in and says "I need two more views of the right breast."
Hmmmmm
Ok, so she takes them. Goes to check them. Comes back in and says "It's going to be a few more minutes, I want to show these to the radiologist"
I start to get dizzy again. But I'm sitting, so I figure I'm safe.
(although, I'm getting dizzy as I type this!)
So, she comes in a few minutes later with a glass of water for me and tells me it will be a few more minutes and then in walks Dr. Oncologist ... EXCUSE ME?????????
He first makes sure that I'm ok from my fainting episode and is taking my blood pressure which he thinks is alarmingly low (no kidding, I fainted dude!) at 90/55. I tell him my normal is 110/60 something and he gives me a funny look and goes on. He informs me that they are a bit surprised by the increase in size of the calcification since my last mamogram. While they knew it could change, that's why the request for 6 month follow up, they did not expect this size of a change. He asked me about pain and other symptoms. Then I went through about 20 minute discussion of my lupus.
He's going to be calling my rheumatologist this evening or tomorrrow. He said that my primary care doctor, my rheumatologist & my neurologist will all have the report by the end of the week.
Then he says, at this time, he is still sure it's calcifications, whether it's caused by medications, a not so good genetic makeup, which is evidenced by my other health problems, or to do with the lupus, he can't tell me, however, he wants me back in July. If there is any more changes ... he wants to explore them 'physically'.
I said "needle biopsy?" He said 'probably surgery of some kind, let's cross that bridge when we come to it and make sure it's not the lupus acting up in the meantime.'
I have never heard of lupus effecting breasts ...however, they call it systemic because it can effect all systems ... so??????????
Anyway ... Here we go round the mulberry bush!!!
Orac ... don't know whether to thank you or growl at you!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
May Not get to much blogging today?
Pearls and Dreams
I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter and was able to celebrate it with the families & friends they love.
Well, I'm on my way out the door to Physical Therapy, not sure how much I'll get done there, my knee is not taped, and the skin where the knee is normally taped is scabbed, the tape took skin with it again. Sigh, this tape is not supposed to do that. Leave it to Lupie (lupus) skin to act differently. So far I've tried to do PT 3 times without tape and all 3 times have popped it out. I've only got 3 sessions of PT left, and I'm not sure I'm willing to risk re injury at this point. Next week, I start paying $25 a month for the after care program, which means I go in and can work out as often as I want YES!!!!! Full access to their equipment just like a gym ... yahhoo!
Then I go to the doctor's office to get yet another blood test to check my blood work from last week that was abnormal ... WBC's are not behaving themselves for the 3rd month in a row ... this is a problem with immunosuppresants ... and it's got me a bit nervous, immunosuppressants are high risk drugs, but they are a high yield drug too, they've given me my life back!
Then I take my children to the eye doctor where they get to explain to him why both who have pretty hefty eye glass prescriptions look like this :
Do you see glasses on those faces?
Both boys told me last night to remind them this morning to find their glasses so they could take them to school with them so they had them at the eye doctors ... HA!!!!! No waY!!! You remember, fine ... but they didn't HAHHAHAHAHAHA
I'm so mean!!!!
anyway ...don't know when I'll make it back ... hope everyone has a wonderful day!! Happy Blogging!
I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter and was able to celebrate it with the families & friends they love.
Well, I'm on my way out the door to Physical Therapy, not sure how much I'll get done there, my knee is not taped, and the skin where the knee is normally taped is scabbed, the tape took skin with it again. Sigh, this tape is not supposed to do that. Leave it to Lupie (lupus) skin to act differently. So far I've tried to do PT 3 times without tape and all 3 times have popped it out. I've only got 3 sessions of PT left, and I'm not sure I'm willing to risk re injury at this point. Next week, I start paying $25 a month for the after care program, which means I go in and can work out as often as I want YES!!!!! Full access to their equipment just like a gym ... yahhoo!
Then I go to the doctor's office to get yet another blood test to check my blood work from last week that was abnormal ... WBC's are not behaving themselves for the 3rd month in a row ... this is a problem with immunosuppresants ... and it's got me a bit nervous, immunosuppressants are high risk drugs, but they are a high yield drug too, they've given me my life back!
Then I take my children to the eye doctor where they get to explain to him why both who have pretty hefty eye glass prescriptions look like this :
Do you see glasses on those faces?
Both boys told me last night to remind them this morning to find their glasses so they could take them to school with them so they had them at the eye doctors ... HA!!!!! No waY!!! You remember, fine ... but they didn't HAHHAHAHAHAHA
I'm so mean!!!!
anyway ...don't know when I'll make it back ... hope everyone has a wonderful day!! Happy Blogging!
Another double
Ok, double posting after it not showing up for 2 days? Still some missing blogs! Growl.
Oh well, just for grins, I'll add a new picture
Oh well, just for grins, I'll add a new picture
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Balancing Out
Pearls and Dreams
Well, I'm pulling myself out of my funk or whatever it was. Why the heck I just can't put that stupid issue to rest, I don't understand, especially with as much damage as it's done to my body. You'd think as much care as I take of myself otherwise, it'd be a no brainer.
ARGH
Anyway ... we went with our small group to our small group leaders grandmother's lakeside cabin for a sleep over. Our small group leader turned 40 yesterday. Last night we had dinner, and visited
and had a special good friday service. Then stayed up 'late' LOL we're night people, they're not ...we were all in bed by 11.
We got up around 6 pm, except for my husband who didn't get up till 9, when I took our small group leaders 16 month old baby boy in to torture him awake.
We had a devotional, and then came home. It was a nice time, and so fun to get away with friends. SOOOOOOOO tiring for me and I quite remember why I don't travel. Although, I do hope we do it again.
Tomorrow is Easter. Our church is having a special service, and I'm not participating first time in the 6 years I've been there. Since I will probably be interpreting, it's probably just as well, cause I'll probably be busy!!!!
Tomorrow, hopefully, my blog posting will be a bit more interesting. For now, I'll close with this Easter poem, at least it will be something.
Tears to Laughter
by Peggikaye Eagler
A long walk down a dusty road.
A burden so heavy, can one man bear the load?
The crowds gathering to jeer and to jest.
Some on the outside, grief fills their chest.
The burden is dropped into the ground.
The man to it nailed, hammering the only sound.
A crown of thorns is placed on His head.
Vinegar sponge to his lips, dying for me instead.
The men will gamble, tearing his robe for the prize.
The devil has blinded, they've believed his lies.
The man will be buried in a rich followers tomb.
Mary stands crying, "This man came from my womb!"
Angels stand guard waiting to announce victory,
The Son of God risen! Completes the promised story.
His sacrifice paid, blood shed on my behalf.
My spirit forgiven, with God forever ... we laugh!
© Peggikaye Eagler
Well, I'm pulling myself out of my funk or whatever it was. Why the heck I just can't put that stupid issue to rest, I don't understand, especially with as much damage as it's done to my body. You'd think as much care as I take of myself otherwise, it'd be a no brainer.
ARGH
Anyway ... we went with our small group to our small group leaders grandmother's lakeside cabin for a sleep over. Our small group leader turned 40 yesterday. Last night we had dinner, and visited
and had a special good friday service. Then stayed up 'late' LOL we're night people, they're not ...we were all in bed by 11.
We got up around 6 pm, except for my husband who didn't get up till 9, when I took our small group leaders 16 month old baby boy in to torture him awake.
We had a devotional, and then came home. It was a nice time, and so fun to get away with friends. SOOOOOOOO tiring for me and I quite remember why I don't travel. Although, I do hope we do it again.
Tomorrow is Easter. Our church is having a special service, and I'm not participating first time in the 6 years I've been there. Since I will probably be interpreting, it's probably just as well, cause I'll probably be busy!!!!
Tomorrow, hopefully, my blog posting will be a bit more interesting. For now, I'll close with this Easter poem, at least it will be something.
Tears to Laughter
by Peggikaye Eagler
A long walk down a dusty road.
A burden so heavy, can one man bear the load?
The crowds gathering to jeer and to jest.
Some on the outside, grief fills their chest.
The burden is dropped into the ground.
The man to it nailed, hammering the only sound.
A crown of thorns is placed on His head.
Vinegar sponge to his lips, dying for me instead.
The men will gamble, tearing his robe for the prize.
The devil has blinded, they've believed his lies.
The man will be buried in a rich followers tomb.
Mary stands crying, "This man came from my womb!"
Angels stand guard waiting to announce victory,
The Son of God risen! Completes the promised story.
His sacrifice paid, blood shed on my behalf.
My spirit forgiven, with God forever ... we laugh!
© Peggikaye Eagler
Friday, March 25, 2005
Firday Morning
Pearls and Dreams
I'm off to Physical Therapy in a bit, dragging some because of the brilliant weather changes we've had this week. Plus, I didn't wake up last night, so I didn't take my middle of the night mestinon dose, so, my muscles are a bit weaker than they normally are. Hopefully by 10, they'll have caught up.
I''m still not overly happy with the lack of options to relapse on will in order to continue to develop in my spirituality and as a functioning adult, however, I think I am a bit more on solid ground. I did get up and fix my breakfast this morning, without giving it a second thought, first time in probably 6 weeks.
A friend from church took me out to lunch yesterday, and made me talk about all this. One of my accountability partners. She made me face it, made me talk ...made me SEE it. She was there when I had the panic attack while ordering and wouldn't accept the allergies excuse for the tears in the eyes.
We talked, we came up with some solutions for me, and talked about the reality of how I bury things and pretend all is fine until it blows up in my face ... as it's done this month. Was the primary explosion caused by Don going into the hospital? Or was the primary explosion caused by my change in food plan of eating small meals throughout the day ...forcing me to think about it through out the day ...all day, every day. Then the secondary explosion caused by last weeks visit to the cardiologist and don's finding out that his scoliosis is worsening?
Whatever the case, I've found myself guilty once again of showing everyone just how strong I am, and how much I depend on God, and all my good qualities, and fearful that if I show them any less than my best, that they will see me as a failure as a Christian, and therefore see me as a fraud, and my relationship with God as something less than something worthwhile. That refusal to be genuinely real, geniunely vunerable ...is what got me head over heels deep into the ED to begin with.
I'm thankful that this time, I had the smarts, healing or whatever to reach out to my treatment team, my accountability team & my church leadership to say HELP! I'm still freaking out, but I'm coming back up the other side, and I'm feeling a little more like I'm on the cliff's edge with a decision to make rather than the tightrope.
I'm off to Physical Therapy in a bit, dragging some because of the brilliant weather changes we've had this week. Plus, I didn't wake up last night, so I didn't take my middle of the night mestinon dose, so, my muscles are a bit weaker than they normally are. Hopefully by 10, they'll have caught up.
I''m still not overly happy with the lack of options to relapse on will in order to continue to develop in my spirituality and as a functioning adult, however, I think I am a bit more on solid ground. I did get up and fix my breakfast this morning, without giving it a second thought, first time in probably 6 weeks.
A friend from church took me out to lunch yesterday, and made me talk about all this. One of my accountability partners. She made me face it, made me talk ...made me SEE it. She was there when I had the panic attack while ordering and wouldn't accept the allergies excuse for the tears in the eyes.
We talked, we came up with some solutions for me, and talked about the reality of how I bury things and pretend all is fine until it blows up in my face ... as it's done this month. Was the primary explosion caused by Don going into the hospital? Or was the primary explosion caused by my change in food plan of eating small meals throughout the day ...forcing me to think about it through out the day ...all day, every day. Then the secondary explosion caused by last weeks visit to the cardiologist and don's finding out that his scoliosis is worsening?
Whatever the case, I've found myself guilty once again of showing everyone just how strong I am, and how much I depend on God, and all my good qualities, and fearful that if I show them any less than my best, that they will see me as a failure as a Christian, and therefore see me as a fraud, and my relationship with God as something less than something worthwhile. That refusal to be genuinely real, geniunely vunerable ...is what got me head over heels deep into the ED to begin with.
I'm thankful that this time, I had the smarts, healing or whatever to reach out to my treatment team, my accountability team & my church leadership to say HELP! I'm still freaking out, but I'm coming back up the other side, and I'm feeling a little more like I'm on the cliff's edge with a decision to make rather than the tightrope.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
3 steps forward, 2 steps back
I posted a couple of days ago, about my eating disorder, and kind of implied that it was all in the past, well, those, who know me well, know that while it's behaviors are in the past, the thoughts are still with me on a daily basis. For the last several weeks, especially the last week, I've really really struggled. Relapse, looks attractive ..inviting and ... eminant. The following is an email I sent to my therapist yesterday :When do I become more than a decision away from not relapsing? When does it become not a battle and a thing of the past? I could SO easily throw in the towel at this point in time and if someone could show me the slightest evidence that it wasn't necessary to recover ...I'd relapse tomorrow, today. I know that I have taken so many steps, some baby, some giant and I have come eons from where I was when I walked into the doors of your offices, but ... it is still SO very hard. There are some times that I can go weeks, months and I'm doing great, and then ... it just gets HARD and I can't ...and I'm struggling and it's hard and I just don't know how much strength I have in me to fight this thing! I know that my life is upside down and sideways stress wise right now, Bj's school situation, don's health, my health (hello cardiologist) and just raising teenaged boys ... not to mention everything else .. and that probably has everything to do with why it's hard ... but when do I grow up enough that this isn't an issue? Why is my spirituality not enough ? Why is it so damn hard?Why is it that food has become scary again? I had a stupid PANIC attack in the grocery store wednesday! I don't want to eat! Purging HAS crossed my mind again. I actually stopped and looked at a box of laxatives ... I'm working out really hard in PT and my friend, Cindy, commented today that maybe it's for weight loss purposes ... I'm really pushing it there ... really pushing it (gone too far a couple of times) ... I thought she was absurd, but 2 hours after her comment ...after having eaten lunch and wishing I hadn't ... I'm wondering .. is she right? When does this merry go round stop? I thought I was past all this, I thought I was ... I really did, I thought I'd surrendered all this to God. I HAD surrenedered this to God. I don't WANT THIS SO WHY IS IT SITTING IN MY LAP AGAIN?!!!!!! My eating disorder has been two things to me, a tightrope & a cliff. For most of my life, it's been a tight rope, climb up on it, take a few steps, fall or jump off and enjoy the thrill of the fall, and try to ignore the pain of the crash at the bottom. The cliff, has only been there for the last year and a half, where the solid ground is recovery, Christ's strength, my ability to cope without using the eating disorder to deny things. Solid ground on one side and having to make the decision to step off the cliff. For a year and a half, I've been on the edge of a cliff, solid ground on one side, the option to step off the cliff on the other, if I fall, I could still fall on the solid ground of God's arms ... sometimes I've been on the edge of the cliff, sometimes a few feet away from the cliff, sometimes I've had my back to the cliff and have ignored the fact the cliff is there.Right now, I'm on a tightrope and there is no solid ground anywhere nearI step wrong, I fall off, I loose my balance I fall ... no solid .ground on one side and having to make the decision to step off the cliff. For a year and a half, I've been on the edge of a cliff, solid ground on one side, the option to step off the cliff on the other, if I fall, I could still fall on the solid ground of God's arms ... sometimes I've been on the edge of the cliff, sometimes a few feet away from the cliff, sometimes I've had my back to the cliff and have ignored the fact the cliff is there.Right now, I'm on a tightrope and there is no solid ground anywhere nearI step wrong, I fall off, I loose my balance I fall ... no solid ground. Part of me looks down and remembers the thrill of the fall, the release, the feeling of freedom in the flying, the freedom of the thrill of the fall ... and ignoring the pain of the crash at the bottom (not to mention the physical risk of the crash) And I wonder, do I want to make that fall ... I remember the thrill of the fall and it ... it is hard. And I am scared.
testing photo sizes
Pearls and Dreams
Just wanting to see if they'll stay at the top of my blog when I leave them small, and are they visible if I make them smaller.
Don's scoliosis curve &
Newspaper @ 3 weeks old
Don on Christmas morning,
Sugarfoot in Don's lap, Don is sitting straight up. 
Samuel excited about his Christmas gift, Don sitting in the background.
Peggikaye & Benjamin at VBS in 2001 
Just wanting to see if they'll stay at the top of my blog when I leave them small, and are they visible if I make them smaller.
Don's scoliosis curve &
Newspaper @ 3 weeks old Don on Christmas morning,
Sugarfoot in Don's lap, Don is sitting straight up. Samuel excited about his Christmas gift, Don sitting in the background.
Peggikaye & Benjamin at VBS in 2001
Monday, March 21, 2005
Importance of spelling
Pearls and Dreams
emailed to me
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, syas it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
emailed to me
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, syas it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
More Poetry
Pearls and Dreams
Today is Palm Sunday. The week before Christ died, he had dinner at Lazerus' house, and Mary, washed his feet with precious oil. Judas was appalled that she chose to use this oil to wash his feet instead of selling it to feed the poor. Leaving aside Judas' motives for his anger, Mary's washing feet with oil seems such an odd thing in our society, yet, then, it wasn't odd. They walked around everywhere in sandals. Washing feet was a necessity and it was a symbol of servanthood & submission. Using the oil that was fragrant and sweet would have been comforting and no different than todays hand massage or pedicure.
Today, I was sitting in church, not really able to understand too much of the sermon, too busy interpreting for the deaf man who's been coming. My comprehension flies out the window when he comes. After the sermon, every week, people are given the opportunity of coming to the front to pray at the alters, either alone or with someone. I rarely go forward, but today, after this past week, and my husband's bad news at the doctors, I went to the pastor.
Don didn't go to church with me this morning, he said he was too tired. Didn't feel good ... I wasn't sure, was it more of his just not wanting to go, pulling into a shell ... or was it real ...and then, much to my dismay, he got up to go to the bathroom and used his cane. He rarely uses his cane in the house. Almost never. I knew he was exhausted. So, I asked the pastor to pray ... with me for Don, for me, for my heart testing that I didn't think was scaring me ...but is, for everything ... and as he prayed I did something I rarely do ... I cried. I really cried and suddenly, Pastor R's arms were around my shoulders ... and I cried harder.
So tonight, I'm going to bed, with my emotions close to the surface, and I'm praying to God, reminding him that I need to pour out my pain and my fear ... and that I need HIM to wipe it clean and comfort me ..
What more appropriate time than Palm Sunday to need to remember this poem of mine?
At The Feet of Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler
The perfume left the bottle,
The fragrance filled the air.
With tears her worship was given,
As she wiped His feet with her hair.
The perfume so fragrant and sweet,
Costly oil she’d had to buy
She poured it on His feet with love,
Did she know He was soon to die?
As she poured her heart with the oil,
Her worship was in the right place,
Kneeling at His feet so humbly,
Tears slipping down her face.
A picture for us to live by,
To Worship Christ Jesus the King.
Anoint His feet with my worship,
With honor and praise I sing.
I pour out my pain and fear,
And He wipes it with his blood.
A clean heart with which to give Him,
As His presence comes in like a flood.
To Jesus, my gift is Worship.
Honor and trust on my knees.
I thank You Jesus for taking,
My love, my gift, and my pleas.
Each day I will strive to remember,
Mary pouring her heart on His feet.
And praises I will lift with Joy,
Glorious Praises, I will often repeat.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Today is Palm Sunday. The week before Christ died, he had dinner at Lazerus' house, and Mary, washed his feet with precious oil. Judas was appalled that she chose to use this oil to wash his feet instead of selling it to feed the poor. Leaving aside Judas' motives for his anger, Mary's washing feet with oil seems such an odd thing in our society, yet, then, it wasn't odd. They walked around everywhere in sandals. Washing feet was a necessity and it was a symbol of servanthood & submission. Using the oil that was fragrant and sweet would have been comforting and no different than todays hand massage or pedicure.
Today, I was sitting in church, not really able to understand too much of the sermon, too busy interpreting for the deaf man who's been coming. My comprehension flies out the window when he comes. After the sermon, every week, people are given the opportunity of coming to the front to pray at the alters, either alone or with someone. I rarely go forward, but today, after this past week, and my husband's bad news at the doctors, I went to the pastor.
Don didn't go to church with me this morning, he said he was too tired. Didn't feel good ... I wasn't sure, was it more of his just not wanting to go, pulling into a shell ... or was it real ...and then, much to my dismay, he got up to go to the bathroom and used his cane. He rarely uses his cane in the house. Almost never. I knew he was exhausted. So, I asked the pastor to pray ... with me for Don, for me, for my heart testing that I didn't think was scaring me ...but is, for everything ... and as he prayed I did something I rarely do ... I cried. I really cried and suddenly, Pastor R's arms were around my shoulders ... and I cried harder.
So tonight, I'm going to bed, with my emotions close to the surface, and I'm praying to God, reminding him that I need to pour out my pain and my fear ... and that I need HIM to wipe it clean and comfort me ..
What more appropriate time than Palm Sunday to need to remember this poem of mine?
At The Feet of Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler
The perfume left the bottle,
The fragrance filled the air.
With tears her worship was given,
As she wiped His feet with her hair.
The perfume so fragrant and sweet,
Costly oil she’d had to buy
She poured it on His feet with love,
Did she know He was soon to die?
As she poured her heart with the oil,
Her worship was in the right place,
Kneeling at His feet so humbly,
Tears slipping down her face.
A picture for us to live by,
To Worship Christ Jesus the King.
Anoint His feet with my worship,
With honor and praise I sing.
I pour out my pain and fear,
And He wipes it with his blood.
A clean heart with which to give Him,
As His presence comes in like a flood.
To Jesus, my gift is Worship.
Honor and trust on my knees.
I thank You Jesus for taking,
My love, my gift, and my pleas.
Each day I will strive to remember,
Mary pouring her heart on His feet.
And praises I will lift with Joy,
Glorious Praises, I will often repeat.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Changing Mirrors
Pearls and Dreams
To my Lupie Friend Melissa. I wrote this about a year or so ago, thought you'd understand ... ;)
Changing Mirrors
by Peggikaye Eagler
I stand and look closely,
Never sure of what I think,
What I think I see now,
Is enough to make my heart sink.
It never seems to reflect,
What others tell me they see.
It only tells me what is wrong,
From the pain, I'd like to flee.
Reading God's word tells me,
I'm a creation of God's plan,
His plan for me to shine light,
While protected by His hand.
Learning to trust God's word.
He said I am His Image,
He says he's called my name,
He's leading my pilgrimage.
The truth is not always easy,
I have to learn to trust,
God's word says I am precious,
I have learned faith is a must.
So looking in the mirror,
Is not what I base my claim,
But the Word of God most Holy,
His relection, my claim to fame.
© Peggikaye Eagler
To my Lupie Friend Melissa. I wrote this about a year or so ago, thought you'd understand ... ;)
Changing Mirrors
by Peggikaye Eagler
I stand and look closely,
Never sure of what I think,
What I think I see now,
Is enough to make my heart sink.
It never seems to reflect,
What others tell me they see.
It only tells me what is wrong,
From the pain, I'd like to flee.
Reading God's word tells me,
I'm a creation of God's plan,
His plan for me to shine light,
While protected by His hand.
Learning to trust God's word.
He said I am His Image,
He says he's called my name,
He's leading my pilgrimage.
The truth is not always easy,
I have to learn to trust,
God's word says I am precious,
I have learned faith is a must.
So looking in the mirror,
Is not what I base my claim,
But the Word of God most Holy,
His relection, my claim to fame.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Saturday, March 19, 2005
For Fun
Pearls and Dreams
I borrowed this from LUANNE because I really liked it. It seemed like a fun thing to answer. I would like to read your answers. If you want to, answer in your journal and leave me the link in the comments sections below. Or just send me an email. Thanks! God bless You!
Act your age – 40
Breast size – 40 B ...much better than the 36 ii that it was until 9 am March 18, 2002. I'd glady take the 36 back though (grin) Getting there ... NICE and SLOW this time.
Chore you hate – LAUNDRY
Dad's name – Bill
Essential make up item – Sun screen (frown says the former sun worshipper)
Favorite singer – Michael W. Smith
Gold or silver - Gold
Instruments you play – Used to play clarinet ...badly
Job title – Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Sister, Friend , Patient,Church Volunteer, Poet, Writer,
Kisses, what kind do you prefer? CHOCOLATE
Living Arrangements –Mobile home, with husband, two sons, 3 cats, Sugarfoot, Donut & Twitch. Newspaper & Bear went to their new home today :( My mom's house.
Favorite meats? Grilled Salmon
Number of people you've slept with- 2 ...husband & ex husband
Overnight hospital stays – 22 hospital stays ... with at least 4 of them 10 days or more, Last one June 2003. Hopefully, I can postpone this knee surgery until June, just to make it a full 2 years! (wonder if the orthopod will buy that as an excuse?) Wait, 22 stays between 1989 & now, plus my tonsils out when I was 7, and my ovarian cyst when I was 15 ... so I guess that's 24 stays.
Packing habits (for moving/vacation) – JUST THROW STUFF IN A BOX/SUITCASE AND GO.
Quote you like - The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. OR To give support to people to become fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ.
Religious affiliation – Christian
Siblings – 1 sister, 1 brother, 1 step brother, 2 step sisters, 1 step sister & 1 step brother have passed away.
Time you wake up – Depends on what kind of night I've had and what I have to do the next day, but usually about 6:30ish
Underwear of choice nunya business!
Vegetable you refuse to eat– BROCCOLI!!!!
Worst habit -coffee or hiding from people
X-rays you have had – don't know a part I haven't had xrayed ... hypermobile joints mean I've sprained about everything that moves!
Yummy food you make – Enchilada casserole or orange chicken.
Zodiac Sign – I was born under scorpio but don't hold to any of that stuff.
I borrowed this from LUANNE because I really liked it. It seemed like a fun thing to answer. I would like to read your answers. If you want to, answer in your journal and leave me the link in the comments sections below. Or just send me an email. Thanks! God bless You!
Act your age – 40
Breast size – 40 B ...much better than the 36 ii that it was until 9 am March 18, 2002. I'd glady take the 36 back though (grin) Getting there ... NICE and SLOW this time.
Chore you hate – LAUNDRY
Dad's name – Bill
Essential make up item – Sun screen (frown says the former sun worshipper)
Favorite singer – Michael W. Smith
Gold or silver - Gold
Instruments you play – Used to play clarinet ...badly
Job title – Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Sister, Friend , Patient,Church Volunteer, Poet, Writer,
Kisses, what kind do you prefer? CHOCOLATE
Living Arrangements –Mobile home, with husband, two sons, 3 cats, Sugarfoot, Donut & Twitch. Newspaper & Bear went to their new home today :( My mom's house.
Favorite meats? Grilled Salmon
Number of people you've slept with- 2 ...husband & ex husband
Overnight hospital stays – 22 hospital stays ... with at least 4 of them 10 days or more, Last one June 2003. Hopefully, I can postpone this knee surgery until June, just to make it a full 2 years! (wonder if the orthopod will buy that as an excuse?) Wait, 22 stays between 1989 & now, plus my tonsils out when I was 7, and my ovarian cyst when I was 15 ... so I guess that's 24 stays.
Packing habits (for moving/vacation) – JUST THROW STUFF IN A BOX/SUITCASE AND GO.
Quote you like - The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. OR To give support to people to become fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ.
Religious affiliation – Christian
Siblings – 1 sister, 1 brother, 1 step brother, 2 step sisters, 1 step sister & 1 step brother have passed away.
Time you wake up – Depends on what kind of night I've had and what I have to do the next day, but usually about 6:30ish
Underwear of choice nunya business!
Vegetable you refuse to eat– BROCCOLI!!!!
Worst habit -coffee or hiding from people
X-rays you have had – don't know a part I haven't had xrayed ... hypermobile joints mean I've sprained about everything that moves!
Yummy food you make – Enchilada casserole or orange chicken.
Zodiac Sign – I was born under scorpio but don't hold to any of that stuff.
Pearls and Dreams .. a long post ...hopefully, worth the read.
Pearls and Dreams
Importance of a Name
by Peggikaye Eagler
What's in a name?
Does the meaning ring true?
Is your name a foundation?
Like a sauce needs a rue?
Is a name that Important?
Does it say who we are?
A name with great meaning,
Does it mean we'll go far?
"Why do you hate your name?"
My mother cries often!
"It means Precious Pearl!
Some say Pure Gem!"
But is my name me?
Does it really fit?
I don't feel precious,
More like Oyster Spit!
But God gave men names,
With meanings so deep,
A character to live up to,
And blessings to reap!
What mirror do I use?
The one on the wall?
What name will I hear?
When my Savior gives the call?
What's in my name?
Is my name from God's heart?
Lord, Let me see all,
The whole,
Not the part!
© Peggikaye Eagler
I was 35 years old and I hated myself. I hated everything about myself. The only thing I liked, was my long brown hair. I didn't like my looks, my weight, my personality, my name, my abilities ... nothing. I did not like who or what I was. I couldn't stand the reflection in the mirror. I constantly tried to change what I saw, I punished myself on a frequent basis. I obsessed over food, calories, weight & anything related to how I looked.
I weighed myself up to 20 times a day, and that weight dictated if I was good or bad. I limited my calories to an absurdly low amount, and if I went over that amount, I would punish myself by not allowing myself to read before I went to sleep. The problem there was : I don't fall asleep if I don't read first, so I was punishing myself both pleasure wise & physically.
I have had 3 severe myasthenic crisis brought on by severe & sudden weightlosses. The most severe was in 1997 when I lost 100 lbs in 4 months. Averaging 250 calories a day, I went into crisis and spent 3 days in ICU with a respirator and paralyzed from the forehead down. (muscles, not a nerve paralysis). When the doctor's got my muscles working again, and were pumping me full of potassium (I had a continous IV with potassium, plus they'd come in and give me some potassium through another IV, but in a much smaller IV bag, I'd have to drink potassium 4 times a day ...plus a banana on every tray that the nurses watched me eat. ) I was moved back to the regular room but it took 17 days to be discharged. Had my doctor's baffled. Plasmapherisis (blood transfusion) had worked before, not this time, 5 day treatment of IVIG, and I still wasn't bouncing back. They were stymied.
They kept sending a nutritionist in the room to see what they could do to make the food easier for me to eat ... my MG was blamed ... I told them I couldn't chew & I'd choke ... while, I do choke easy & chewing was difficult ... It'd have cleared up had I started to eat ... no one ever put 100 lbs loss in 4 months with why I was in crisis. I was good at hiding my disorder. 17 days later, I got out, very weak, very sick, and still refusing to eat. This time, on high high doses of prednisone and I knew I was done for. 100 mgs of prednisone and my starving myself would come to a quick end.
So, a few years later, I'm sitting in my doctor's office and he's looking at my chart, 4 months ago, I'd weighed 80 lbs more, he'd just started treating, me when I'd been in crisis in 1997. This was the second time in 3 years he'd seen me loose too much weight in too short of time. He gently told me I had two choices ... get help, or find another doctor because he cared too much to watch me destroy myself.
I went into Laureate Eating Disorder Clinic for an evaluation 2 days later, sure they'd send my fat little self on my way. Surprise surprise, they quickly admitted me to their outpaitent program, I was lucky, they didn't stick me into their inpatient program!
I started to realize something ... I don't see myself the way other see me. They see something I don't. I asked God to show me what HE saw when he looked at me. Scariest prayer I've ever prayed.
I was sure he was going to show me that I was just as bad as I thought I was ... and worse.
A year went by ... nothing.
The next year, something odd started to happen. Every where I turned ... every thing I saw, were lessons on pearls & gemstones. A lesson on the radio, a women's tea, a Prayer vigil at church ... all focused on how God talks about gemstones in the Bible and compares us to gemstones and pearls as being precious. The prayer vigil, the pastor's wife/worship leader at my church talked about how pearls are made ...how a speck of dirt goes into the oyster and irritates the oyster until the beautiful gem is polished and formed and how sometimes, what we see as irritating, horrible experiences, are really polishing us, forming us, making us into who we really are. I was floored.
A few weeks later, was mother's day ... my mobile home park was having a park wide garage sale the day before and my sons had gone around and bought junk, but they'd bought me a string of pearls. I went to church and was showing a friend ...she exclaimed "Peggi, those are REAL!!!" She had ones by the same jewelry designer.
It was becoming clear to me that God was going to great extremes to make a point to me ... Pearls ... precious pearls ...
My name Peggikaye ... Peggi means Pearls, Kaye means precious. I have hated my name since I could say my name ... I couldn't stand it! I would rather have been named anything BUT Peggi! However, God used my name, to start to break down that wall of self hatred to show me that he did in fact see me as precious ... a precious pearl formed for his service and with his delight.
As I started to recover from the eating disorder and the self hatred, and I started to pick up my pen and write again ... and I started to realize that there is more to life than a number on a scale ... I started to realize that while I might have thrown away a few dreams, and I might have been robbed of a few dreams by such terrible things as lupus and myasthenia gravis ... those dreams can be replaced by new dreams and I started to begin to dream again.
I went from simply surving to living and from living to hoping and from hoping to dreaming.
And thus, the name of my blog ... Pearls and Dreams ... because God loves me ... and I have dreams ...
Importance of a Name
by Peggikaye Eagler
What's in a name?
Does the meaning ring true?
Is your name a foundation?
Like a sauce needs a rue?
Is a name that Important?
Does it say who we are?
A name with great meaning,
Does it mean we'll go far?
"Why do you hate your name?"
My mother cries often!
"It means Precious Pearl!
Some say Pure Gem!"
But is my name me?
Does it really fit?
I don't feel precious,
More like Oyster Spit!
But God gave men names,
With meanings so deep,
A character to live up to,
And blessings to reap!
What mirror do I use?
The one on the wall?
What name will I hear?
When my Savior gives the call?
What's in my name?
Is my name from God's heart?
Lord, Let me see all,
The whole,
Not the part!
© Peggikaye Eagler
I was 35 years old and I hated myself. I hated everything about myself. The only thing I liked, was my long brown hair. I didn't like my looks, my weight, my personality, my name, my abilities ... nothing. I did not like who or what I was. I couldn't stand the reflection in the mirror. I constantly tried to change what I saw, I punished myself on a frequent basis. I obsessed over food, calories, weight & anything related to how I looked.
I weighed myself up to 20 times a day, and that weight dictated if I was good or bad. I limited my calories to an absurdly low amount, and if I went over that amount, I would punish myself by not allowing myself to read before I went to sleep. The problem there was : I don't fall asleep if I don't read first, so I was punishing myself both pleasure wise & physically.
I have had 3 severe myasthenic crisis brought on by severe & sudden weightlosses. The most severe was in 1997 when I lost 100 lbs in 4 months. Averaging 250 calories a day, I went into crisis and spent 3 days in ICU with a respirator and paralyzed from the forehead down. (muscles, not a nerve paralysis). When the doctor's got my muscles working again, and were pumping me full of potassium (I had a continous IV with potassium, plus they'd come in and give me some potassium through another IV, but in a much smaller IV bag, I'd have to drink potassium 4 times a day ...plus a banana on every tray that the nurses watched me eat. ) I was moved back to the regular room but it took 17 days to be discharged. Had my doctor's baffled. Plasmapherisis (blood transfusion) had worked before, not this time, 5 day treatment of IVIG, and I still wasn't bouncing back. They were stymied.
They kept sending a nutritionist in the room to see what they could do to make the food easier for me to eat ... my MG was blamed ... I told them I couldn't chew & I'd choke ... while, I do choke easy & chewing was difficult ... It'd have cleared up had I started to eat ... no one ever put 100 lbs loss in 4 months with why I was in crisis. I was good at hiding my disorder. 17 days later, I got out, very weak, very sick, and still refusing to eat. This time, on high high doses of prednisone and I knew I was done for. 100 mgs of prednisone and my starving myself would come to a quick end.
So, a few years later, I'm sitting in my doctor's office and he's looking at my chart, 4 months ago, I'd weighed 80 lbs more, he'd just started treating, me when I'd been in crisis in 1997. This was the second time in 3 years he'd seen me loose too much weight in too short of time. He gently told me I had two choices ... get help, or find another doctor because he cared too much to watch me destroy myself.
I went into Laureate Eating Disorder Clinic for an evaluation 2 days later, sure they'd send my fat little self on my way. Surprise surprise, they quickly admitted me to their outpaitent program, I was lucky, they didn't stick me into their inpatient program!
I started to realize something ... I don't see myself the way other see me. They see something I don't. I asked God to show me what HE saw when he looked at me. Scariest prayer I've ever prayed.
I was sure he was going to show me that I was just as bad as I thought I was ... and worse.
A year went by ... nothing.
The next year, something odd started to happen. Every where I turned ... every thing I saw, were lessons on pearls & gemstones. A lesson on the radio, a women's tea, a Prayer vigil at church ... all focused on how God talks about gemstones in the Bible and compares us to gemstones and pearls as being precious. The prayer vigil, the pastor's wife/worship leader at my church talked about how pearls are made ...how a speck of dirt goes into the oyster and irritates the oyster until the beautiful gem is polished and formed and how sometimes, what we see as irritating, horrible experiences, are really polishing us, forming us, making us into who we really are. I was floored.
A few weeks later, was mother's day ... my mobile home park was having a park wide garage sale the day before and my sons had gone around and bought junk, but they'd bought me a string of pearls. I went to church and was showing a friend ...she exclaimed "Peggi, those are REAL!!!" She had ones by the same jewelry designer.
It was becoming clear to me that God was going to great extremes to make a point to me ... Pearls ... precious pearls ...
My name Peggikaye ... Peggi means Pearls, Kaye means precious. I have hated my name since I could say my name ... I couldn't stand it! I would rather have been named anything BUT Peggi! However, God used my name, to start to break down that wall of self hatred to show me that he did in fact see me as precious ... a precious pearl formed for his service and with his delight.
As I started to recover from the eating disorder and the self hatred, and I started to pick up my pen and write again ... and I started to realize that there is more to life than a number on a scale ... I started to realize that while I might have thrown away a few dreams, and I might have been robbed of a few dreams by such terrible things as lupus and myasthenia gravis ... those dreams can be replaced by new dreams and I started to begin to dream again.
I went from simply surving to living and from living to hoping and from hoping to dreaming.
And thus, the name of my blog ... Pearls and Dreams ... because God loves me ... and I have dreams ...
Friday, March 18, 2005
Good Gravy Beans!
Ok, today, I had to fill out a form for social security, they wanted to know if I am still disabled. I had to fill out all my doctors appointments & medications for the last 6 months. I'm not going to list them all by appointment here, but I thought I'd list all my types of doctor's and dx's & rx's
Ok, ready?
Primary care
Neurologist
Rheumatolgist
Orthopedist
Dermatolgoist
Cardiologist
Pulmonologist
Endocrinologist
Psychologist
Urologist
Gynocologist
Oncologist (why? I don't know)
Opthamologist (this one added saturday morning, haven't seen him in 2 years, oops, how often am I supposed to see him you ask? Every year when I'm not on immunosuppressants & or prednisone, every 6 months I am, as you can see from my med list, I'm on both... oops. I have calls to make on Monday!)
My diagnosis' are :
Myasthenia Gravis (neuromuscular autoimmune disease effecting all voluntary muscles)
Lupus, (systemic inflammatory disease, effecting my joints, neurological system & pleurisy, mouth sores, possible pericarditis, though, I doubt it)
Hypermobile Joint Syndrome, (genetic disorder where my joints can go way beyond what they should be able to, I can rest my thumb flat on my forearm)
Insulin Resistance, (not sure how to explain this one, too new of a diagnosis, google it)
PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, (related to Insulin resistance, causes multiple cysts on my ovaries)
Asthma.
Allergies,
GERD, (gastro esophogeal reflux disease? disorder? severe because of the years of bulimia, scars up and down my esophgus & multiple ulcer scars in my stomach)
Pyloric Spasm, (the pylorus, or valve at the bottom of my stomach doesn't work right, it spasms, this is probably from damage to my eating disorder, too many years of bulimia & laxatives, although, my son has it, so they are not sure, however, I never had symptoms of it till I 32, he was born with them)
Eating Disorder-NOS, (25 years, Started at 14 with anorexia, started with bulimia at 17, Insulin resistance entered the picture around 24 (just diagnosed this year) and started with severe weight problems which led to massive weight gains and losses, between 1989 & 2000, if you add my gains and losses together, I had 1284 pounds of weight changes, when I entered treatment for the first time at age 36)
hyperlipidemia (high cholesterol)
abnormal mamogram ..not cancerous ..but can't remember the diagnosis.
note: remembered part of it ... something Calcification ... that's why they sent me to the oncologist, which I still don't understand, just because the mamogram was abnormal, but it wasn't cancer? I don't get it, still don't get it. Don't think I'll ever get it! Oh well. I keep forgetting to schedule my follow up mamogram, they said in July to do it in January, but I forgot, got a post card a few weeks ago saying I hadn't done it yet, please do it and I keep forgetting. I remember about this time at nite (9:30 pm) to schedule it ... no good. Somehow, I have to remember to schedule it Monday. But, again, if it's not cancer, why the need for a follow up mamogram at less than a year?
Rx:
Mestinon 600mgs a day (symptom controlling for Myasthenia)
Cellcept 3000 mgs a day (immunosuppressant)
Prednisone 5 mgs a day (immunosuppressant/anti inflammatory)
Celebrex 600 mgs a day OR Bextra 20 mgs a day (anti inflammatory)
Ultracet (non narcotic pain killer)
Zyrtec D ...5 mg (anti histimine)
Prevacid 30 mg (anti ulcer drug ...forgot the technical term)
Topomax ..50 mg (anti seizure drug being used to prevent migraines, controlling lupus headaches, not preventing migraines, but we'll be increasing the dose up to 100 mgs a day as soon as my Fortamet drug is settled into my system)
Ambien... 10 mg (sleep, blessed sleep drug)
Advair ...250/50 (asthma inhaler)
Atrovent (inhaler to prevent fluid build up on lungs as a side effect of Mestinon)
Prozac 60 mg (anti depressant)
Vytorin 10/20 mg (anti cholesterol for my 310 total cholesterol)
Fortamet 1000 mg (supposed to be on 2000 mg, not tolerating it well at all, time released glucophage for the insuline resistance)
Darvocet N 100 PRN (narcotic pain reliever ...milder than lortab)
Frova PRN (migraine med)
Then add to that ... physical therapist, eating disorder therapist & nutritionist.
I wonder what social security will say? I've seen all of these people at least once in the last 6 months, most of them more than once (gyno, oncologist are the only ones I've seen only once)
So far this year, all my therapy appts (ED & PT) and doctor appointments, have been a total of 36 appointments. That's for me! Add the appointments I've gone to with my kids & mom & husband it's 52 appointments for 2005. I didn't include the blood test only appointments or Don's hospitalization (5 days)
Good grief! No wonder I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday!!!
I'm spending as much time at doctor's offices as doctor's are!!!!!! (just kidding any docs reading this! )
Tomorrow, I am going to write about nothing health related. Not sure what, but it's going to be faith related, I have several things brewing in this brain of mine.
Edited this Saturday morning because I got a few emails asking what was what on some of the diagnosis' and medications.
Ok, ready?
Primary care
Neurologist
Rheumatolgist
Orthopedist
Dermatolgoist
Cardiologist
Pulmonologist
Endocrinologist
Psychologist
Urologist
Gynocologist
Oncologist (why? I don't know)
Opthamologist (this one added saturday morning, haven't seen him in 2 years, oops, how often am I supposed to see him you ask? Every year when I'm not on immunosuppressants & or prednisone, every 6 months I am, as you can see from my med list, I'm on both... oops. I have calls to make on Monday!)
My diagnosis' are :
Myasthenia Gravis (neuromuscular autoimmune disease effecting all voluntary muscles)
Lupus, (systemic inflammatory disease, effecting my joints, neurological system & pleurisy, mouth sores, possible pericarditis, though, I doubt it)
Hypermobile Joint Syndrome, (genetic disorder where my joints can go way beyond what they should be able to, I can rest my thumb flat on my forearm)
Insulin Resistance, (not sure how to explain this one, too new of a diagnosis, google it)
PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, (related to Insulin resistance, causes multiple cysts on my ovaries)
Asthma.
Allergies,
GERD, (gastro esophogeal reflux disease? disorder? severe because of the years of bulimia, scars up and down my esophgus & multiple ulcer scars in my stomach)
Pyloric Spasm, (the pylorus, or valve at the bottom of my stomach doesn't work right, it spasms, this is probably from damage to my eating disorder, too many years of bulimia & laxatives, although, my son has it, so they are not sure, however, I never had symptoms of it till I 32, he was born with them)
Eating Disorder-NOS, (25 years, Started at 14 with anorexia, started with bulimia at 17, Insulin resistance entered the picture around 24 (just diagnosed this year) and started with severe weight problems which led to massive weight gains and losses, between 1989 & 2000, if you add my gains and losses together, I had 1284 pounds of weight changes, when I entered treatment for the first time at age 36)
hyperlipidemia (high cholesterol)
abnormal mamogram ..not cancerous ..but can't remember the diagnosis.
note: remembered part of it ... something Calcification ... that's why they sent me to the oncologist, which I still don't understand, just because the mamogram was abnormal, but it wasn't cancer? I don't get it, still don't get it. Don't think I'll ever get it! Oh well. I keep forgetting to schedule my follow up mamogram, they said in July to do it in January, but I forgot, got a post card a few weeks ago saying I hadn't done it yet, please do it and I keep forgetting. I remember about this time at nite (9:30 pm) to schedule it ... no good. Somehow, I have to remember to schedule it Monday. But, again, if it's not cancer, why the need for a follow up mamogram at less than a year?
Rx:
Mestinon 600mgs a day (symptom controlling for Myasthenia)
Cellcept 3000 mgs a day (immunosuppressant)
Prednisone 5 mgs a day (immunosuppressant/anti inflammatory)
Celebrex 600 mgs a day OR Bextra 20 mgs a day (anti inflammatory)
Ultracet (non narcotic pain killer)
Zyrtec D ...5 mg (anti histimine)
Prevacid 30 mg (anti ulcer drug ...forgot the technical term)
Topomax ..50 mg (anti seizure drug being used to prevent migraines, controlling lupus headaches, not preventing migraines, but we'll be increasing the dose up to 100 mgs a day as soon as my Fortamet drug is settled into my system)
Ambien... 10 mg (sleep, blessed sleep drug)
Advair ...250/50 (asthma inhaler)
Atrovent (inhaler to prevent fluid build up on lungs as a side effect of Mestinon)
Prozac 60 mg (anti depressant)
Vytorin 10/20 mg (anti cholesterol for my 310 total cholesterol)
Fortamet 1000 mg (supposed to be on 2000 mg, not tolerating it well at all, time released glucophage for the insuline resistance)
Darvocet N 100 PRN (narcotic pain reliever ...milder than lortab)
Frova PRN (migraine med)
Then add to that ... physical therapist, eating disorder therapist & nutritionist.
I wonder what social security will say? I've seen all of these people at least once in the last 6 months, most of them more than once (gyno, oncologist are the only ones I've seen only once)
So far this year, all my therapy appts (ED & PT) and doctor appointments, have been a total of 36 appointments. That's for me! Add the appointments I've gone to with my kids & mom & husband it's 52 appointments for 2005. I didn't include the blood test only appointments or Don's hospitalization (5 days)
Good grief! No wonder I was a bit overwhelmed yesterday!!!
I'm spending as much time at doctor's offices as doctor's are!!!!!! (just kidding any docs reading this! )
Tomorrow, I am going to write about nothing health related. Not sure what, but it's going to be faith related, I have several things brewing in this brain of mine.
Edited this Saturday morning because I got a few emails asking what was what on some of the diagnosis' and medications.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Frustration of being chronically ill
Pearls and Dreams
Pk is frustrated. While, I should be content with all I can do in physical
therapy (thank you very much Cellcept!! I can do TONS more now than when I was
in physical therapy years ago and on Imuran & IVIG) I get frustrated when
it's a 3 steps forward 2 steps back scenerio. First, PT didn't do what I wanted
it to do. It did what my surgeon's intentions were ... to increase the
strenth of certain muscles to better recover from surgery. MY GOAL was to get
myself out of surgery (hey! He said I had a 2% chance of recovering enough to not
need the surgery!) so, that was frustration #1.
Frustration #2 is ... I'm one of those freaky people who really really likes
working out. I have missed it terribly since becoming sick. Thanks to
Cellcept, with this round of PT I have been actually WORKING OUT ...however, it is,
a 3 steps forward 2 steps back type deal. Yesterday, I did GREAT! I
aggrivated my PT to no end. I lost count (doing 3 sets of 20 instead of 3 sets of 10
etc), I did more weight on 3 machines than I was supposed to, I really
...worked out. It felt good. I was keyed up and thouroughly enjoying myself (except
for the balance exercises ... I hate those, those are PT not working out!) .
I had to go back in today for a last PT before seeing the ortho tomorrow. I
walked in there, tired, yes, but still, for some stupid reason, thinking that
I'd be able to pick up where I left off ... nope, I took twice as long to
do exactly only what I was supposed to do ... no extra weights, no extra
repatitions, and I was unable to complete my last exercise.
What upsets me, is that 3 years ago, I couldn't have done ANY OF
THIS!!!!! So what am I pouting about? I'd go into PT for my knee and have to have
passive exercise, the PT would have to do all the work, while I laid there
watching people work out and wishing I was one of them. What is wrong with me
that I can't be grateful for the days like yesterday, that bring me back to 20
years ago. After all, I WAS still up and exercising, I might not have been doing all I want to do, but I was still doing significantly more than I once could do.
So, Pk is pouting.
Don was told Tuesday that his scoliosis has worsened. Significantly. The
chest xray shows a whole inch movement in a year and a half. plus more
twisting. We've already been told that progression means eventual rupture of
internal organs & or suffocation. Instead of him reaching out for help, or calling the pastor, or talking about it ..he's reacting in anger ...he's not said a civil word to anyone since seeing the doctor and he's sleeping an in ordinate
amount of time, even for him. I probably should be more understanding and
compassionate with him ...however, he's worn that part out of me. He was told
to take PT to slow the progression of the scoliosis, he was told to do things
he hasn't done. He was told to get into counseling to deal with what all this
means and hasn't done it. He's throwing a tempertantrum because life sucks.
Yea, well, life does suck. I pray, I pout, I blog, I dig a hole and I go to my
internet buddy's and whine about it, I vent, I talk about it, I talk to my
therapist, I tell somebody, I do things besides take it out on those around me. I
understand the psychological reasons behind his behavior ... it just doesn't
make it any easier to be on the recieving end of it.
So, in my own frustration, I'm probably not being the best wife I can be. I have emailed my pastor and said "HELP! I'm not being very nice. " (I haven't said anything mean, I just haven't said anything)
Oh well, no PT tomorrow, maybe early to bed tonight and some rest, extra Mestinon (MG symptom medication) and maybe I'll feel more rested and better tomorrow. I see the ortho tomorrow and get to argue with him about my surgery date. He thinks it's going to be soon, I'm going to be telling him it's not going to be till school is out. He's um, not gonna like it. He wasn't happy about me saying I didn't want it in January, now I want to wait till June. Hey, thanks to Cellcept, I do have a life!
Pk is frustrated. While, I should be content with all I can do in physical
therapy (thank you very much Cellcept!! I can do TONS more now than when I was
in physical therapy years ago and on Imuran & IVIG) I get frustrated when
it's a 3 steps forward 2 steps back scenerio. First, PT didn't do what I wanted
it to do. It did what my surgeon's intentions were ... to increase the
strenth of certain muscles to better recover from surgery. MY GOAL was to get
myself out of surgery (hey! He said I had a 2% chance of recovering enough to not
need the surgery!) so, that was frustration #1.
Frustration #2 is ... I'm one of those freaky people who really really likes
working out. I have missed it terribly since becoming sick. Thanks to
Cellcept, with this round of PT I have been actually WORKING OUT ...however, it is,
a 3 steps forward 2 steps back type deal. Yesterday, I did GREAT! I
aggrivated my PT to no end. I lost count (doing 3 sets of 20 instead of 3 sets of 10
etc), I did more weight on 3 machines than I was supposed to, I really
...worked out. It felt good. I was keyed up and thouroughly enjoying myself (except
for the balance exercises ... I hate those, those are PT not working out!) .
I had to go back in today for a last PT before seeing the ortho tomorrow. I
walked in there, tired, yes, but still, for some stupid reason, thinking that
I'd be able to pick up where I left off ... nope, I took twice as long to
do exactly only what I was supposed to do ... no extra weights, no extra
repatitions, and I was unable to complete my last exercise.
What upsets me, is that 3 years ago, I couldn't have done ANY OF
THIS!!!!! So what am I pouting about? I'd go into PT for my knee and have to have
passive exercise, the PT would have to do all the work, while I laid there
watching people work out and wishing I was one of them. What is wrong with me
that I can't be grateful for the days like yesterday, that bring me back to 20
years ago. After all, I WAS still up and exercising, I might not have been doing all I want to do, but I was still doing significantly more than I once could do.
So, Pk is pouting.
Don was told Tuesday that his scoliosis
has worsened. Significantly. The
chest xray shows a whole inch movement in a year and a half. plus more
twisting. We've already been told that progression means eventual rupture of
internal organs & or suffocation. Instead of him reaching out for help, or calling the pastor, or talking about it ..he's reacting in anger ...he's not said a civil word to anyone since seeing the doctor and he's sleeping an in ordinate
amount of time, even for him. I probably should be more understanding and
compassionate with him ...however, he's worn that part out of me. He was told
to take PT to slow the progression of the scoliosis, he was told to do things
he hasn't done. He was told to get into counseling to deal with what all this
means and hasn't done it. He's throwing a tempertantrum because life sucks.
Yea, well, life does suck. I pray, I pout, I blog, I dig a hole and I go to my
internet buddy's and whine about it, I vent, I talk about it, I talk to my
therapist, I tell somebody, I do things besides take it out on those around me. I
understand the psychological reasons behind his behavior ... it just doesn't
make it any easier to be on the recieving end of it.
So, in my own frustration, I'm probably not being the best wife I can be. I have emailed my pastor and said "HELP! I'm not being very nice. " (I haven't said anything mean, I just haven't said anything)
Oh well, no PT tomorrow, maybe early to bed tonight and some rest, extra Mestinon (MG symptom medication) and maybe I'll feel more rested and better tomorrow. I see the ortho tomorrow and get to argue with him about my surgery date. He thinks it's going to be soon, I'm going to be telling him it's not going to be till school is out. He's um, not gonna like it. He wasn't happy about me saying I didn't want it in January, now I want to wait till June. Hey, thanks to Cellcept, I do have a life!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Passing the Book Stick
1. You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?Well, I hadn't heard of this ... but I loved the idea when I read it on another blog, then Biscotti Brain passed the stick onto me, I can't pass up a challenge ...so here goes. What book do I want to be? "Oh The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss 2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Sadly yes, I had a crush on Laurie from Little Women. 3. The last book you bought was...?"Edge of Eternity by Randy Alcorn Allender4. The last book you read was...?"Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, third time through it. This time with a group. 5. What are you currently reading?" "No Wonder They Call Him Savior" by Max Lucado 6. Five books you would take to a desert island? The New Century Version Bible. The Strong's Concordance. Edge of Eternity by Randy Alcorn The Great House of God & Gentle Thunder by Max Lucado 7. What three people are you passing this stick on to and why?Deneice @ The Journey, Cliff @ Between the Lines and Blondzilla.
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