Blogaversary

I started to sit down to write on my Nano Novel and realized I still needed to write my blogaversary post.

My mind wavered between the two ..and I went and took a nap. Nothing like procrastinating one writing for another!

Today, is my third anniversary of blogging!

My dear friend Deneice talked me into blogging.


In the 3 years that I've been blogging, I've had the chance to 'meet' several special people. It amazes me, how much you come to know about someone else's life through blogging. It hit my blogfriend Moof as well this week. I'll let you read about it there. She words it much better than I ever could. Moofie and I, just about share a blogaversary. Hers is November 1, mine the 3rd. I know when she has hers, I need to get on my toes and get ready to post my blogaversary post. It's nice to have her keep watch for me. ;)

Like her, I've talked on the phone to many of my blog friends. Some of them occassionally ...some of them more frequently. (hmm one of them I'm supposed to talk to this evening!)

The most important time .. when Don was in the hospital this summer. I shot off a quick email to Moof, and she notified our corner of the blog world.
Calls and prayers immediately were wrapped around me. Never, for one moment did I ever feel alone in the battle for my husband's life. You all will never know just how much your support meant to me.
I wish I could mention all of those who offered support during that time

I started to ...but I'll leave someone out ... and that would be wrong.

Over the last 3 years ...

I've shared about my kids and their progress.
My husband and our struggles ..and our triumphs.
I've shared our journey to get a Habitat House ... and moving in ... those who've read this blog for a while ...do you realize, that we finished the house this weekend ...a year ago!
I've shared about my heartbreak with my stepfather.
My worries over my mom as she ages.
My book being published.
My being ready to take my kids to the nearest bording school. *grin*
My being so proud of my kids I could burst.
I've talked about my cats. Over and over again.

I've shared about surgeries and illnesses ... I've answered questions about myasthenia gravis and lupus ... and tourette's syndrome and ocd.
I have shared about my eating disorder, both in good times, and in relapse.

But most of all, I had the privilege of sharing my faith. For that, I am forever grateful.

I have been encouraged when I have been discouraged and rejoiced with when I am rejoicing.

So, for those of you who read this blog and comment ..thank you.
Those who read this blog ... thank you.
Those who happen along this blog ... I hope you come back.

For all of you ..thank you for the privilege of being able to share a little of my heart.

Now off to Nanowriting!

Counting down

Oh my goodnes gracious sakes alive ....

It is 3:22 pm ... and at midnight (assuming I'm still up) I can start work on Willow's Bridge.

Rephrase that ... I can start WRITING Willow's Bridge.

I've already put some work into it before hand. Character development ...and getting idea's down on paper.

There is so much I'd forgotten about writing fiction! You know, I'd even forgotten the terms protagonist and antagonist! Yikes!

It is amazing how the characters seem to come alive in you. I've heard about that before from other writers and always thought it was kind of strange. But, it happens. I guess, it's a good thing that it's a good thing that it's happening.

I'm so ready to go, midnight seems like a long way away ... I guess it's a good thing our church has an All Saints Party tonight!

I get to judge little people in costumes!!!

Pamper me

It seems, that somehow, I've been won ..given ..something a "Pamper Me" day from Mary Kay Cosmetics

I am so excited about treating you to a much deserved pampering!



What we will be doing is learning about skin care, doing a little glamour, and talking about your specific skin care needs, plus we’ll have some tasty muffins, coffee, and juice.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANNOUNCING!!!

NaNoWriMo Madness

Ok ... I've started a new blog with the intention of being a group blog like Bloggers Anonymous. It's for those who are participating in NaNoWriMo (or those who would like to cheer us on)! If you would like to participate ... please send me your email address (pearlsofaneagle@aol.com) and I will get you hooked up!!

I joined the NaNoWriMe site, and I love the site, but it is PAINFULLY slow!!! I've already met a couple of wonderful people there ... but would also like to keep the support of my already supporters! Tk ... Dr. Dino ..Ms Moofie etc.

I've posted a couple of posts ... already because my fingers are itchy!!

Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee join me!

A week to go

A week to go, and my story will start to be written down. I thought I would tell my background of the reason I have the story to tell.

When I was young, nine to be exact. I was given a Blue Willow China Miniature Tea Set

Not only similar to this one, but EXACTLY like this one. My hands can still feel the smooth shape of the creamer pitcher as I'd run my fingers around it's lips.

I was given it by my step mother for my 9th birthday. It wasn't just any Blue Willow set. It had been hers ... and she didn't have a daughter of her own to give it to. So, it was her honor to give it to me. She could have picked my older sister, but she chose me. It had been given to her for her 9th birthday, and to her mom for her 9th birthday ... it was a family tradition and I was being pulled into the family, not by blood, but by honor.

She had me read the legend of the blue willow ... 2 young lovers ... a cruel mean father who vowed to keep them apart. Her husband was from an enemy country, and he was tyrannical at best ... The beauty of the land they lived in was lost on her father. All he cared about was power ...and being right. She loved this young man... and she married him against her father's will.
Because she did, he vowed to kill them both. They hid for a while in the shed behind the willow tree. When he found them, they fled across the bridge

All blue willow china has the shed, the willow tree, and the bridge with the three figures running across the bridge.

When the 2 lovers get across the bridge, They are turned into doves or love birds (depending on who tells the legend) forever, to be kept together ...safe, and out of the reach of the tyranical father ... flying above the problems of the world, in the beauty of the garden she loved so much ...



So, as a 9 year old girl, I fell in love with the story for obvious reasons. The dreamer in me, found the story irresistable.

However, what was also in me, was a tomboy that was not to be reckoned with.

Fragile, china, and tomboys ...just really ...aren't a good idea. The ideal situation would have been to give it to me, and put it away till I was old enough, responsible enough to understand the words "antique"; "legacy" & "heritage".

Instead, a gift was a gift ...and they gave it to me ...this child who played as hard as she loved ... and well ... the china did not survive. It quickly became my most beloved possession ... but ...it also didn't survive from my birthday a few days before Thanksgiving, until Christmas.

I found far more uses for the china than sitting mildly with my dolls (who's uses had far more uses than sitting mildly with the tea set) having tea parties. China, simply won't survive such play.

Not a single piece, save the lid to the tea pot survived ..and I lost that before my 10th birthday.

To say, my regrets over this are huge, is putting it mildly. I love the story of the blue willow, I love the pattern. I can get lost in the pattern, the story ... and the idea of running across the bridge to safety ... has become the theme of my Nano novel. So ... Willow's Bridge will be the name of the novel ... a story to tell that's deep in me.

Saftey is something I've been looking for since I was a child ... and it's something I'm longing to find ... I've found bits of it, maybe in the shed ... but I'm looking for permanent safety ... like the birds in the beauty of the garden ... so ... I will run across Willow's Bridge ... and write the story that's in me to tell ...

and we'll see what happens in the month of November ... 34 years after I broke the Blue willow China set ...

10 - 20 - 30

I have been tagged. I knew it was a matter of time. Jeff tagged Deneice, and I didn't tell her, because I knew she'd tag me. However, I did start thinking of what I was going to say when I saw that Jeff tagged her. BUT ....there were a couple of bloggers whom I consider myself lucky to have not been tagged by this a few weeks ago ...so ... I got a few weeks to actually contemplate this before it got to me.

The tag is what I was doing 10 - 20 and 30 years ago.

So ...

1997
My son had just turned 8 years old, and my other son was 5, almost 6. We'd just found our new church, Southpark Community Church and I knew it was home. My husband, had refused to go to church since Samuel was a year old. I'd made the decision to go to Southpark, regardless. When he got ready to come to church, he'd have to go where I was at home. I could no longer attend and be homeless ready to go to a church when he was ready to attend. I had to put down roots.

Little did I know the spiritual battle that would take place in my home with that declaration ... or the victory that it would lead to. As well, as my husband's attendance at church and his taking the spiritual lead in our home.

Benjamin, 5, was still diagnosed as autistic, and on a good day, if you had a Jar Jar Binx translation book, you might be able to carry on a conversation with him. The microwave was a refridgerator and the washing machine was a car and the car was a fence and well ... you just had to get used to what he called things. He had reasonings why he labeled things the way he did, and if you talked to him long enough, you could figure it out.
One day, he came in and asked for something to "ocean me over"
I was baffled.
"I need something to OCEAN ME OVER!"
"Benjamin, I don't understand"
"GIVE ME SOMETHING TO OCEAN ME OVER!"
"Show me what you mean"
He marched into the kitchen, grabbed a box of crackers and said emphatically "OCEAN ME OVER!
(TIDE me over ...oooooooooooh ocean ...tide ... I GET IT! )
The conversation took a bit longer with quite a bit more frustration on his part ..for one thing, he had to get to pronounce ocean to where I could understand it.

Benjamin could not eat very many foods without throwing up. Smells were a constant problem. His stomach was so sensitive it was a constant worry. He was allergic to dairy and we had to be very careful of the foods that passed his mouth or he'd break out in a terrible rash.

Samuel, being almost 8, already having read Jurrasic Park, and was being homeschooled and was leaps and bounds ahead of where any child had a right to be at 8. He was a tremendous help with Benjamin and did nothing to help dissuade Benjamin of concepts like ... ocean/tide ... and Benjamin followed Samuel everywhere.

We were taking Benjamin to occupational therapy 2 times a week and speech therapy once a week, physical therapy every other week. We had not yet, at that time, discovered Therapy Works ... where the sensory integration therapy would enter our lives. That ...changed Benjamin's life ..and diagnosis. It changed our lives ... and the path our family took.

I type this out, and remember how hard it was ... he ran away ...into the street, his impulse control was so minimal. His learning so far behind.

Both boys were still immunodeficient and infections were frequent.

The myasthenia gravis was very out of control ... I could not walk up a flight of stairs. My last myasthenic crisis had just taken place. Labor Day weekend 1997. I wore leg braces (AFO's) because my hyper extention of my knee and foot drop combined with the MG made it very difficult to walk and the pain level increased.

I remember it being difficult ... I remember being desperate for respite care and not finding it. Being on a state wide 'waiting list' (which, we managed to get to the top of the list when Benjamin was 12 years old ... the child had to be younger than 11 years 11 months old to get services from it)

But when I think back on those times, I remember his smile, his laughter, and his waddle that made me laugh. I only remember how HARD it was when I write stuff like this. I only think of how sick I was when my doctor's start to talk about changing my medications around and the possiblity of going back to that condition ...


The reality is ... the day to day was hard ... but the era in my life, wasn't that bad.

1987

I was engaged to be married. Wow ...20 years ago. I was working at a fast food hot dog stand, managing it. Yikes.
I'd been married and divorced ... and was getting ready to get married again.
My life in front of me ... I was healthy, and strong ... and I had no idea what was in front of me.

1977
I was in the 7th grade ... living at my fathers. The only year I would live with my Dad. He left my mom the day he found out that she was pregnant with me. I went to live with him after a trauma when I was in the 6th grade that I never told my mom or step father about.

I thought, living with him would get me into a 'safe' place, but it put me square into the place of rejection and judgement. Dad hadn't wanted me from the start. The fact that I was less than acceptable was made abundantly clear throughout the year. My step mother, did a lot to try to make up for that. But, she also did a lot to try to get me to live up to my father's expectations. Which, just fed into the 'you're not good enough' mentality.

I'd grown up with my parents (my real dad and my real mom) both being special education teachers. My sister, had this knack for telling me that I belonged in my mom's class. She'd talked the kids at school into teasing me along those lines.

I believed them.

In moving to my Dad's, I had a new set of friends who had no clue about the teasing, the bullying or even had a clue who my sister was.

I was on new ground. Clean slate. New teacher's who had never had my nice, quiet, willing to please anyone that crossed her path ... sister ... and well ... suddenly ... I wasn't the clumsy, dumb, irritating Peggi anymore.

I was recommended by my math teacher to be tested for the gifted program ...and shock of all shocks to me ... got in. In California in 1977 it was a state wide program called (oh my goodness ... BRACE YOURSELVES ...this is terrible labeling!)

Mentally Gifted Minors ... or MGM

The fact that I could step foot from what I considered myself to be ready for the MR program into the MGM class was beyond me. But ... they thought I could. I did. What was even more shocking ... I found I fit in ..quite nicely. Everyone in there talked like I did. Acted like I did ... played like I did and read the same books I did and managed to get into the same kind of trouble I did!! WOW ... a whole classroom full of alien Peggi's!! *blink*

The highlight of the year was going to see the King Tut Exhibit in LA.

The Lowlight of the year ... having to watch Tale Tale Heart in *BOTH* MGM and Language Arts in the same week ...because it managed to get caught up in 2 different programs! I still haven't gotten over that one! I bought the DVD for my son last summer, but told him he's not allowed to watch it with me around!!!
*shudder* (bought him the original, the one I was forced to watch)

The beginnings of my eating disorder can be seen in this year, although, it didn't really start until after my step father died in 1979. But, living this year with my dad ... telling me I was fat ...and unacceptable ..and yes, he used those words ... did much to lay the ground work for the eating disorder. Being told that I was 'unforgiveable' for wishing I could have more than a half of a peanut butter and honey sandwich and half an apple and 1 fig newton for lunch ... while my brother had a whole bologna sandwhich, chips, apple and 3 cookies ... kind of got me on track for thinking about 'right foods' & 'wrong foods' and portion sizes.

The odd thing was ... my brother hated bologna ..and I HATED peanut butter ... why they did this, we still have no idea.

When I moved back in with my mom at the end of the school year, the doctor told my mom I was 10 lbs underweight ... a forced diet at 13 will do that to a girl.

I can still tell you what we had to eat most nights of the week that year ..and for breakfast it was one soft boiled egg, for me, a slice of toast and a glass of orange juice. My juice, was measured.

The year, was ... to put it mildly, paradoxical ... great successes both academically and socially at school. Home life ... was less than to be desired.

Funny ... Paradoxical seems to be a good word to describe my life in general.

So, on to the tagging ...
I'm going to tag DP (you know who you are) Random Grace, Three's a Crowd (a friend of mine from Church) Chris at Normal Chaos and Ms Raine!

Whoops! Now I've done it!

Dear PearlsAndDreams,Well, you did it. You've gone and pledged your November to the pursuit of the month-long novel. Whether this is your first or ninth NaNoWriMo, we know you're going to have a great time, and we're thrilled to have you writing with us.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The question is ...can I write fiction????? oh brother!

I have a story at heart ... a story that is aching to be told. It comes out of a something that happened for real in my life ...

When I saw Collecting Cats desire to do hers on a Korean Wedding Vase ... She pushed me over the edge of cooperating this year ... I knew that I too must attempt this feat of writing this novel. I've had this story in my heart for a while now. It's not about a Korean china ...but rather Chinese China ... Blue Willow Legendary China
and an american girl of dreams ...



Even the Chinese copied it in their hand-painted decoration. Perhaps Minton's design was influenced by the legends that still surround Blue Willow today. One thing is certain. For two hundred years, children from all over the world have been coaxed into eating their vegetables, by mothers promising to tell them a story-that of a pair of hopeless young lovers turned into birds so they might remain happy together throughout eternity.

"So she tells me a legend centuries old

Of a Mandarin rich in lands and gold,

Of Koong-Shee fair and Chang the good,

Who loved each other as lovers should.

How they hid in the gardener's hut awhile,

Then fled away to the beautiful isle.

Though a cruel father pursued them there,

And would have killed the hopeless pair,

But kindly power, by pity stirred,

Changed each into a beautiful bird.

.....

Here is the orange tree where they talked,

Here they are running away,

And over all at the top you see,

The birds making love alway(s)."

Willow Ware is available in a wide range of patterns, makers-most identifiable by mark, styles, and periods-running from 1780 to wares produced today. Later pieces should only be purchased in excellent condition. Old Blue Willow is a prudent investment today as it is scoffed at by many dealers unaware of its important place in history

I looked for just the right font for this, I could not find one. Blogger, gives is very few choices. these days. So, I guess, I can plug in some webdings and color to give my post some flavor ... if I so choose. I wish I could warn you about what is about to come out of my fingers. But I must warn you: It is 3:30 on Friday morning ... and on Sunday Morning, my little baby boy, the one who so charmly held his hands on his hips at one year and said "DON'T YOU DO THAT! " to a nurse who was going to give him a breathing treatment .... and the same sweet sweet boy, who stood up, and stook out his hand to say "Nice to meet you" to the ER doctor who had treated him for being very very ill and saved us yet another hospital visit. We'd spend the whole day in that ER, going through IVbags, and IV antibiotics .... trying to keep a just barely 2 year old to understand "yes, they are acting like the hospital, not "checkers" like the ER ...but they want to keep you out of the Hosiptal if they can." After 13 hours .... The doctor came back ...blood levels had stableized ... a nurse would come and draw blood in the middle of the night, and to listen to his breathing, run one bag of fluids. If all was stable, he'd be ok, and would not need hospitallization. They were fighting to keep this kid with the bad ear and the bronchitis off the floor, even though he EAAAAAZily met criteria ... but they had pneumonia, RSV, and an unknown skin virus that seems to be spreading from room to room. (years later, they now call that an \MSRA investion) We won, we and patient doctor's ... won.
So, we're getting ready to leave, Samuel, is just over 2, his mom is pregnant and about to pop at any given sneeze in the wrong way (wasn't going to be that easy ...he was late too ...and had to be incudeced as well ...stubborn boys!) And he just stood up straight and tall, miliatry style, poked out his hand and said "it was nice you could meet me today"

WE ROLLED. Poor kid had no idea what he'd really said ...but we all knew what he'd meant. He made, the doctor's day! Holiday weekned too, I'm sure. WE always thought he didn't understand his slip. Now? We really have to question it.

My son. Samuel Dwayne Eagler, Born October 14, 1989 to a set of parents who were too medically fragile to have kids .. had the genetic stack of cards ...stacked against him. Joint problems, cholesterol, autoimmunnity comes from both mom's side (paternally) and Dad's side: He has a mother with Myasthenia Gravis and Lupus and fibromyalgia,an aunt with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromiyalgia, and an uncle with Multiple Sclerosis. His Grandfather has Glocucoma and Psoriasis. His Grandmother has Celeiac Diesease. There may be more that we're missing that we may not even be aware about.

But. he just goes on about life ... life, is what you make of it. Life hasn't rolled him the best ball ... but he's learned how to pick up that ball ... and either make you think it's a funny clowns face ... and made you laugh with it ... or, he's developed a really fun and engaging game, and gotten you to go along with his schemes ... Or, he's turned it into an object lesson he can teach about.

His caring for thers, seems to know no boundries ... even when proven that someone might be harming him, not have their best intersests at heart ... they always ... always have the last chance. We've tried to tell him that there has to come day when that rope must be cut ...and his response is "Jesus, would never cut that rope," ouch!

I think, my biggest admiration for him comes in handling his own personal 'challenges'. Which, he does not see ... in any way, shape, or form, as challenges. He sees these ... what are called in the medical and psychiatric fields as 'disorders' ... as ...how shall I put this ... an emphasis on his personality? He has both Tourette's Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The OCD will get to him long before the Tourette's. The TS, will never ever get to him. However, he uses the OCD to his advantage whenever he can possibly figure out a way to do so. (ok, so why can he not use it to MY advantage and get the neatnick part of it to clean my house and do his chores 'just so' ...huh? huh? huh? ...leave it to me to get an OCDer that doesn't care about neatness! horder/clutterbug ...hmph!)

His OCD enables him to make sure that he knows what he needs to know for school, to pass his classes, to make sure that his scores on the ACT & SAT are going to be top notch, and scholarship range. He uses it, to remember things about his friends, the things most friends forget ... birthdays, first days at work, work reviews, big tests ... and he calls the friend to check on them ... just the little things in life ..that when someone thinks of us, we feel loved and cared for ....

When he was first diagnosed with the Tourette's Syndrome, he was in the 5th grade. It was one of the years we didn't homeschool when he was younger. He had a teacher, who didn't get it. So, I'd had some on line friends write some letters about how their children's tourette's effected them in the classroom. I let him read the letters. As he did, he saw himself in those letters. After reading several of them ... he looked up with this big grin on his face and declared "I'm NORMAL in my Abnormalities!"

That, has been his life theme statement. I have these things in my life that society declares 'not normal' .... it's not normal to obsess on saying something 10 times till it sound 'right' ... it's not "normal" to walk around 'yelping' ...or saying "ayeb, OH MY, fish noise" (his current tic) it's not normal to have to walk only on the right side of the sidewalk and touch every portrution that sticks out of the walls ... and if you don't, turn around and start again (HAVE TO TOUCH) it's not normal to jerk your head back and swing it forward and back again. It's not normal to jerk your elbow out to the side.

It's just not normal ...unless ... you have OCD and Tourette's ... then, it's perfectly normal ...because that's what a person with OCD and Tourette's do ... so, he's normal in his abnormalities.

He's never had a bit of self esteem issues since he learned what the disorders are, and that for what he has, he's perfectly normal.

He's met a few people with SEVERE forms of the disorders, they've been in our church ... and they've been rejected ... and I heard him on the phone one afternoon ... calling every single youth group member ... explaining ... you know, you've been around it for years with my brother and I. It's not his fault. This, is what it is. He fought long and hard to bring acceptance for these other children. He had some sucess too ... his method ...education and kindness and example, with vunerability.

Some kids don't like him, some just don't find him funny. Some, need to hang around with kids who have the kind of money they have to go do things with ... having a kid who can just hang around a coffee shop or park or at home, isn't their cup of tea. It's different than when I
was a kid. Many of us had no spending money ...
ever ...so it was the majority that didn't have money to spend, not the miniority.

But I think, the lessons he's learning ... will keep him conscience of what God is doing for him, and through him as he enters this world we call adulthood.! happy Birthday Samuel.
I admire my son. I like who he is. If he were not my son, I would like to think, he'd let me be his friend. Happy Birthday Samuel.

What's In a Name

Miss Moofie did a meme about her middle name the other day. I cracked a joke about being glad that she didn't tag me. She then commented that she didn't know my middle name, to which, I responded that, I did not either.
So, after thinking about it for a day or so, I've decided that my name might make an interesting blog entry. It certainly has caused enough *interesting* situations in my life. If Moof thinks her middle name is complicated, she will be grateful for it by the time she is done reading this. *grin*

I was born, in Harbor City, California. My mom, was alone, because my father had left her when she was 3 months pregnant. He left her the day she told him that she was pregnant. She had a sister named Peggy, and aunt Peggy and my Dad had an Aunt Peggy. The name Peggy ... was a family tradition. However, there was far more to the name Peggy being a family tradition than met the eye. (none of those Peggy's, by the way, liked the name, nor thought it should be a family tradition ...)

Peggy, was NOT the legal name of any of those Peggy's. Peggy ... was a nickname. An Irish nickname. How that nickname came to be ... no one is really sure ... but the real name is Margaret. To me, Peggy coming from Margaret makes as much sense as Jack being the nickname for John. But, that is neither here nor there ...or maybe it is ...but ...

So, November 21, 1964, Janet Mills had a little girl, and on the birth certificate, went the first name of Margaret. There had to be a middle name to distinguish her from the numerous other Margaret's in the family, so she named her after her favorite cousin in Portland ... Joyce Kathleen. So, the name on the birth certificate became Margaret Kathleen. The name that Margaret Kathleen was IMMEDIATELY called, was, by family tradition ... was Peggi ...

But, there were soooooooo many Peggy's in the family .... you can't have baby Peggi confused with Aunt Peggy and Aunt Peggy ... so ... what to call her to make it clear that she's not Aunt Peggy or Aunt Peggy Ann? (Peggy Ann is my mom's sister, Aunt Peggy, my father's aunt.) ....oh! Let's nickname the Kathleen as well!!!!!!!! Peggi Kaye ... well ... that would look much better, more unique as one word ... thus and so, Peggikaye was nicknamed ... at about 2 hours old.

The birth certificate would say Margaret Kathleen, the name would be Peggikaye. Forever to be called, Peggikaye ...by family members ... in California ...where double names are not common.

In kindergarten ... kids referred to her as Piggikaye ... or Piggi ... well, Peggikaye did not like that ...at all. Thankfully, the muppets were not around yet ...so Miss Piggi did not come up. But ... it was bad enough. So, when we moved to a new community, Peggikaye chose to go by Margaret at school. Which, she soon found out, she dispised. She'd asked to go by Kathleen, but she was told no one used their middle names. *blink*

The name gets far more complicated ... at this point ... her name is
Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills. ...eh, some kids have it worse ... no big deal.

But ... This girl is going to school where her mom is teaching. Peggikaye's mom is remarried to Harold Pearson (she married him when Peggikaye was 13 months old.) People start to call her mom Mrs. Mills. That, really bothers Mrs. Pearson ... a lot ... A LOT. Mr. Mills really wounded Mrs. Pearson ...and she doesn't want to be identified as Mrs. Mills anymore. The daughters, who adore their step father, and see him as their father, have no problem taking on his last name for convienience sake.
So ...Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills ... becomes

Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills Pearson ...

So ... in some situations ... she's Margaret Kathleen Pearson ...or Peggikaye Pearson ... or Margaret Mills ...or Peggikaye Mills ...or Peggi Mills ...or Peggi Pearson ...just depending on what the situation is and what the legal implication is ...and what home she happens to be staying at (always Mills at Dad's house, Pearson at mom's house ...except at a doctor's appointment .... )

Are you with me?

So, then ... Peggikaye Pearson ...or Peggikaye Mills, whichever you want to think of her as ... grows up ...and gets married ...adding another name to the mix ... Rendon ...

Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills Pearson Rendon.

She then promptly gets divorced. When she does, she decides to drop the Margaret ...the Peggikaye ...and finally use the Kathleen ....

and for a short time manages to be Kathleen Rendon.

No one in her circle of friends is able to make the transition, much to her dismay. Back to Peggikaye.

So, A couple of years later, she gets married again, adding yet another name to the mix ... Eagler

So ... her full legal name when she has to deal with the social security administration is

Margaret Kathleen Peggikaye Mills Pearson Rendon Eagler

You should see the faces of the people in the office ...as any combination of those names have been used in legal situations in my life

Who is Margaret Mills
me
Who is Peggikaye Pearson
me
Who is Peggi Mills
me
Who is Kathleen Rendon
me
Who is Margaret Rendon (I got a ticket while married)
me
Who is Peggi Rendon
me
Who is Peggikaye Eagler
me
Who is Margaret Kathleen Eagler
who? oh ..me

So ..what is my middle name ... I have NO EARTHLY IDEA!!

What Was She Thinking?

In July, when Don came home from the hospital, we had home health care from the hospital's home health care agency.

The hospital was more than accomodating. The transition from an incredibly long, overwhelming hospital stay ...45 days ... to coming home was harder than I'd ever guessed it could have been. The agency seemed to understand that the adjustment was not going to be the piece of cake I expected it to be. I was so glad he was coming home! How could it be difficult?

He came home on a Friday or Saturday ... I don't remember now ... and on Saturday, the assessment was done. Monday,July 9th, the nurse assigned to his care came to our house. Professional, knowlegable, friendly and experienced ... we felt very comfortable .. even relieved with her being in charge of Don's care.

She'd been with the hospital's home health care for a number of years, and with the hospital for even longer ...a nurse for over 20. Most of those 20 years spent at this hospital. Her knowledge of Post polio syndrome and respiratory issues, especially regarding scoliosis was amazing. We didn't know if she'd studied up on it just to care for Don, or if she'd had experience with it before. It didn't matter. She knew how to care for Don ...and that was what was important.

She was supposed to come by Wednesday morning, and we didn't hear from her. Don, Wednesday afternoon, at 3:15, feeling caged in, after his long stay in the hospital, had his son take him to the coffee shop 2 blocks away. He'd be close enough to come home when she called to come over. She never called. We went to church that night, leaving Don home alone ... he thought he was doing well enough to be alone, but he started having trouble breathing ... and I had to leave church to come home and be with him. We started to talk about how we wished the nurse had came by like we thought we was scheduled to. We didn't know if his breathing troubles was expected or not.

We figured we mis understood ... maybe she'd come by on Thursday.

Friday Morning ... we hadn't heard from anyone in the home health agency ...not the nurse, not the PT, not the OT ... and by 11 I called the agency ... the supervisor called me right back. Very confused.

"are you sure?"
.... well, yeah ... I'm very sure ...
"well, the nurse said she saw Donald on Wednesday, but you weren't there, he was there alone."

Um mmm ... um ... no ma'am ... I was here all day.

"uh, let me call you back."

She called me back and asked permission to come out to the house.

She then showed us the file ... the nurses 'notes' of having been to our house from 3:30 to 3:55 ... complete with vital statistics ... and Don's signature ... only, it doesn't even remotely resemble Don's signature. Doesn't match their other signatures for Don either ... it does however, look like the nurse's handwriting.

Not only that, but we have the credit card reciept for 3:59 at the coffee shop... with Don's real signature ... for where he really was.

She didn't come by ...and she falsified records ...and she forged Don's signature.

Why in the world would a nurse for over 20 years ... completely falsify records ... why would she lie? Why would she say she'd seen him without the family present? Why would she forge his signature? Did she think that he was so incoherant that he wouldn't know the difference?

Does she realize the risk she put him at? It was really scary at the time to realize how much trouble breathing he had that night and we didn't know what we were to do about it ...and all we could think about was "I wish the nurse had come by"

It turned out ok ...and Don is only using oxygen occassionally, plus his bipap at night. He's walking with a cane ... still not driving. Still not able to open a can or jar ... still can't button his own jeans ... but he's doing well.

But today, I got a call from an investigator with the nursing board ... asking us to sign an afidavidt regarding the situation. We will. (she was very thrilled we were willing to cooperate) She said she couldn't go much into detail other than to say that there would likely be no plea bargaining, whatever that means)

It is a shame ... 20 year career ...just to avoid spending 30 minutes doing your job ... What a risk she put my husband at. I am friends ...both in real life and in the blog world with many medical professionals, and I can't imagine any of them risking their licence or career for this. I feel sorry for them when I think of this woman ... how many times they have to go the extra mile ... because of people like her ...

What was she thinking?

It's going to be an interesting ride.
I finally decide that it's time to get down to the business of therapy ... and ... my therapy team ... seems to dissapate on me. Dr. M leaves to go to another clinic, with the intention of me following him, but the insurance doesn't work out. The same day I find out I won't be following him, I find out that my therapist will be taking an emergency medical leave. She was supposed to have taken off right then for 6 weeks, however they had to work a few things out, and I saw her a couple more times. Her leave starts now. It will be 6 weeks starting now.

Could be interesting timing. We had a problem with social security ... they messed up, and my disability managed to get cancelled ... we are trying to get it fixed, should get fixed, but who knows how long it may get to fix. Hopefully quickly, our income has dropped to $495 for the month of October (for a family of 4!) um ..er ..uh ... yikes! What I don't know is ... does this mean my MEDICAL coverage has stopped as well? Or does the medicare/medicaid continue as well? I'm up a creek if that stopped when the social security disability stopped. The doctor appointments not being able to be kept is one thing .. not being able to get my rx's filled ...that ... is a whole 'nother kettle of fish!

What was frustrating, was calling Social Security and having them say "yes, we show that you called to say that you never got the forms, and that we didn't send them, but we still cancelled you because you didn't send them back into us." SAY WHAT? AND since when do you notify someone AFTER you've cancelled them????

My oh my.

Therapywise ... L, keeps saying that I'm disassociating during therapy. I'm not really sure what she means by that. This last time, she said that I did it more than normal. I know that I 'freeze' and don't know how to answer what she wants me to answer ... I get kind of numb. I guess I'll have to talk to her about that when she comes back. But, I'm aware of what is going on in the room ... I'm there ... I'm just 'stuck' and unable to respond, overwhelmed by what she's talking about or wants from me.

Her assignment while she's gone is for me to figure out what comfort is ... and how to be comforted.

Tagged by a theif!

PK, you had asked to play the interview thingy on my blog, so here goes:

1. What is one possession that you would hate to do without? The one possession I have the most trouble doing without would be my pen and paper. I could write down as many scriptures as I could remember, and those around me could remember ... so we could come up with our own Bible, but I'd also be able to write my heart to God, letters to others ... my ability to put into words what God is speaking to me into the written word would be lost if I could not do that.
2. What is one scripture you have trouble with, and why? Eat. There are many of them, that refer to eating, as a command, not a casual reference, but a command. Eating is an intrigral part of the celebrations of Christianity ... celebrations, not just survival. Food, it seems, is representative of more than just survival, but representative of the life that God has for us in His life and existance in heaven. Having had an eating disorder ... discovering that FOOD is really an intregral part of spirituality was an overwhelming part is kind of ... quite ... um ... overwhelming.
3. Where is one place you'd prefer to never return to? Pueblo, Colorado, except to see my fathers grave.
4. What is one thing you'd do differently if you had high school to do over again? I would take algebra and actually go on the medical school track.
5. If you were given $1000 that you had to spend on something for yourself, what would you use that money for? I would take a day at a spa, spoiling myself, being comforted in a way I'm not used to being comforted. Learning that it's ok to be comforted, to be comfortable. To be safe.

Those are my answers and here are the rules if you want to play too:1. If you are interested in being interviewed, leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by posting five questions for you. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Dream home

Your home is a Athletic Magnate's Villa Your kitchen is actually a GNC franchise, though all you really need are your Power Bars and Red Bulls. There's a Chocolatessen, which is rapidly becoming your favorite room of the house. Having one is also becoming a trend among your wealthy neighbors. Your master bedroom has an on-call masseuse and sports therapist. Your study has current issues of Sports News & Sports Illustrated, marked with a highlighter for better preparing your fantasy sports league. One of your garages houses your Hummer, and others contain your H2, and H3... with room for an H4, if they ever invent one. Your home also includes a guest wing and private quarters for your servants. Your guests enjoy your home theater with 37 different sports channels. Outside is your hedge maze and gardens, meticulously tended by a team of world-class botanists. And, you have a pet -- a doberman pincer named "Warren". Below is a snippet of the blueprints:

Build YOUR Dream Home!

God of Wonders by Third Day

"Darling, wake up!"

I woke slowly up and saw my Daddy's face grinning at me. What in the world? The sky was dark, lots of stars, no moon.

"Shhhhhh Don't wake your mom or sisters!"

My step sister Celda, his second to youngest, daughter, not Linda; she'd already gone back to live with her mother years before, and my sister were asleep in the next room.

I was totally confused. He told me to dress warm, and to bring my blanket.

What?
He left the room for me to get dressed.

I was in the third grade, and it was so strange. Daddy was always up to something strange. He and I shared many many secrets ...all of them made me laugh. So ... I wiped the sleep from my eyes and put my clothes on.

I took my blanket and went into the kitchen. I had my favorite slippers on instead of my shoes. Daddy was waiting at the table. He shined a flashlight in my face and then his, and said in a really weird voice "are we ready freddy?"

I had no idea ..but hey!

So, I followed him outside and there was a ladder leading up to the roof ... huh?

He took my blanket and shined the flashlight on the ladder.
"Climb up!"
"REALLY?!"
We'd been up there the week before doing some repairs. So, I was familiar with how to climb up safely ...but at night?

He shined the light on his face and gave me a cartoon grin.

So, up the ladder I went. He stood close enough to me so that I knew I was safe.

I got up there and saw, on the flat of the roof ... a blanket, a camping lantern, a picnic basket and a couple of pillows.

I looked down at my Daddy ...and he smiled. I stood aside to let him come up. I started to walk to the blanket and Daddy said
"Don't move till I get up there, I know you feel safe, but without light, you might not be, you need me near you!"

So, he gets there, and we walk to the blanket. His pillow and blanket were already up there, and a pillow for me.

In the basket ...a thermos of hot chocolate, and a bowl of popcorn. How did he pop that without waking anyone up! Smell or noise? Suddenly, I realized I could smell it in the house, I just had been so confused by his midnight games, I hadn't paid attention.
"Daddy, what are we doing?"
"Watch! About 3 minutes later a shooting star ... and within seconds ...another ...and before I knew it ... I was watching my first meteor shower!!!




We ate the popcorn and drank the hot chocolate and when the bowl was empty and the ooohs and ahhhs and "look Daddy's!" were getting to be redundant ... we laid there and watched ... and watched ... and all too soon ...the stars fell with less frequency.



Then we went about 5 minutes in total silence between us ... and not a single star fell ....just the sounds of the night in the mountains ... and the song of love between a father and daughter ...

"Darling, it's over"

"I know"
"Darling, I love you"
"I know Daddy, I love you."

Sara Groves - Less Like Scars

It's another blog post, and another song.

Less Like Scars by Sara Groves...

It's another song that is one that I turn to when I just can't seem to see my way through ... a reminder ...that things will be ok ... that God is growing me. Sometimes, the scars feel like they've been opened, fresh wounds ... but ...they will heal, and they will become character.

This last year ... has been a roller coaster ...from the building of our house, release of my book, resigning of my pastor, the death of 2 friends children, a couple of other deaths, not being able to handle being the center of attention from the house and the book, my husband almost dying, and then, my husband recovering and coming home ...and walking on his own again ..and oxygen not being a 24 hour requirement ... my son's learning disabilities going from severe, to ... they kind of interfere with his school performance. The changing of therapists ... and the therapist being able to really see the real me, get past the masks ..very easily. The leaving of my psychiatrist who I adored ...no other word for it ... I adored him, like I do my big brother. To the emergency medical leave of my therapist (in the same week I found out I couldn't follow my psychiatrist to his new clinic, he wasn't any happier than I) and leaving the worship ministry for a new adventure in Children's ministry ... and then today ... our church ratified a new pastor ...96% ratification ...

It's been a hard year ...but I'm climbing out of the rubble ... and one day ...

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like
Character

Sunny Days by Jars of Clay

I have just recently gotten DSL to replace my dial up. Since I've frequently shared songs and what they mean to me, having the ability to actually POST the songs ... is a really exciting adventure for me. I hope, I don't wear you out with it.

Please, Bear with me.

This song ... Sunny Days ... is one that I'd heard for several years ... as I was praying over my family ...and my marriage that was failing miserably ... would things ever ever be ok?

I hadn't heard it for a while ... and the other day, I was driving down the road. Frustrated that I am where I am at in therapy. Am I EVER going to get to where I need to be. Will there ever be a time where my heart doesn't break ... will there ever be a time where I can be vunerable, show the real me, and trust the therapist to keep me together while God does the healing?

Can I bear the pain that I'm going through. I want to turn and run ... it's too much, too much pain ...it's taking too long ...

and then, I hear this song ... and I'm reminded of the years of marriage ... 18 years of praying ... 18 years of praying for my family ... 18 years for the success of my marriage ...for the heart of my husband ... and ... 18 years of never being sure if it would be ok. Just only having God to cling to ...

Then ... one sunny day ... the clouds rolled away ... my husband decided Jesus was first ... and our lives took that miraculous rollercoaster of life ...only this time ... it's been a FUN ride, enjoyment, screams of delight and laughter fill our house ... Peace reigns the Eaglers ... we will ... enjoy ... soon and enjoy ... it took 18 years ...but we're here .... and we're safe ... and it's a Sunny Day for my family!

So ...what does that translate to other areas of my life? If he did it, for my marriage, for my family ...would he not do the ssame for my heart? Regardless of whether I can see the pattern or not ... to trust, to pray ..to cling to the Father ... to look to God ... to trust that Sunny day is coming ...

Winter ... the frozen wasteland of memories unwanted, locked away in a cold pocket in the heart ... unwilling to be thawed ...but working it's way out anyway ... and it mets ... ice turns to water ... water flows through everything. The thing, that I thought so hard to keep away. That I fought so hard to never acknowlege it again ... is back ... only, it's melted and it's flown through everything ...and is in need of attention ....

You can loose your mind through this process ...even the song writers admit to it!! But ... it is then that it will be your heart that you find.

I need to take the same love, the same determination that I applied to my family, the same strenght of love and tenacity to pray for my marriage and faimly ... and apply that to myself. To apply it to recovery ... to eating ... to not restiricting ... to healing. To being ... the real me.

Jars Of Clay - Sunny Days Lyrics

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Held by Natalie Grant

This, is the song that I posted a while back. Held, by Natalie Grant.
This year, I've had 2 good friends who've lost their children. One, 2 years 4 months, the other, 6 years old.

The reality of my friends loosing their children, it caused me to see that I'd shoved the grief of loosing my own child to the background. When Kyliebug died in April, I ALMOST dealt with it ... then Don got sick.

Then, a few weeks ago, little Joseph ... started kindergarten on Monday, and died in his sleep on Wednesday. Joseph, had fought a battle his whole life. I've known his mamma for longer than I can count ... and we both have talked and talked and talked about what it's like raising special needs kids.

In fact, that's how we 'met' .. she'd started a email group for parents of special needs kids. Joseph, wasn't even on the radar yet. I'll never forget the day she told me she was pregnant with him. My prayers for them, started that day ...and will continue for the rest of my life.

The question of why this happens, is unknown. I've discussed it in detail. My heart breaks for Teresa, Kylie's mom and my heart breaks for Erin, Joseph's mom.

When Kylie passed away ...my youngests son's first reaction was "Jessica (my lost baby) will be there to show her around."

When I asked Teresa to pray for Erin ...she said she would talk to Kylie to show Joseph around.

It dawned on me that night, that ..it meant the three of them were together. Maybe, just maybe, with Teresa's grandmother, and my step dad and Erin's parents all watching nearby talking about how proud they are of thier children and grandchildren.

So, I post this video, for Kylie, for Joseph, for Jessica ... as well as for us mom's ... this is, what it means to be held ..and one day, we will hold our babies.


Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.


Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.


This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words.

"I'm sorry I bumped into you"
"I'm sorry I forgot to get cash for you"
"I'm sorry I didn't do my homework"
"I'm sorry you went through that ..."

I never thought ..that 2 words could be so ... what is the word I'm looking for? Impactful, profound, annoying, and intruding? RAW?

In the last 4 months ... evidently, I've shown ..to several people, not just my treatment team ... a bit more of who I am. Deep down inside. I've also talked things over with my therapist, especially when Don was in the hospital ...

and over and over again ... I hear the words "I'm sorry"

My therapist, has made it a point to make sure that I hear her say "I'm sorry this happened"

I have decided that 2 phrases I would just as soon my friends not say to me when I'm struggling "I'm sorry" and "I love you"

I am not sure why ...most people, love to hear those things. Most people, need to hear those things.

But for me ... it makes me wish I'd not shared whatever I'd just shared.
I don't know if it makes the situation feel more real ...or if it makes me feel like I've gained sympathy I don't deserve .. I don't know ... I haven't figured it out.

I only know .. I don't like to hear words that people say every day ... and I'm not at all sure that those words should bother me.

new ventures

When I was a little girl, my favorite part of church, was the praise and worship. From the time I was a toddler ... I loved to sing hymns .. and praise chorus' ...

I was in the third grade when my pastor's wife told me after church one Sunday, that, as long as I was around ...the rocks would never get their chance to cry out.

In the 6th grade, I sang for the first time in front of a group. On a Friday night, at a Christian coffee shop ... a common thing in California in the 70's ...groups of Christian's ...gathering together to sing ... the beginnings of what we call today "small groups"

In the 7th grade, I joined the choir.

In 8th grade, moved from California, to Colorado, again, joining the church choir.

In the 10th grade, my church, being a rather progressive church of it's day, had a worship band. We were the only church in town to use instrumentals! I played my clarinet as well as sang in the choir.

Then, in the 11th grade, moved from Colorado, to Oklahoma. There was a singing group in the church we attended. 15 to 24 year olds. We'd sing every other Sunday for special music, and travel during the summer ... and to surrounding churches. If you've ever seen Celebrant singers or Continental Singers ... you'd know the group idea. We were called "Proclamation". The group, over the 2 years we existed had 20 singers at a time, but over 80 of us were members.
I graduated from high school while a member of Proclamation.

When I left Proclamation, I moved back to Colorado, and was in a professional Christian drama ministry (my paid job). I went back to my former church as an interpreter for the deaf, and praise and worship team member.

I came back, to Tulsa …and went to a lay ministry Bible school, while being in the choir and leading worship for the singles ministry.

I got married, and soon divorced (my ex husband left me after 4 months, deciding that God, nor marriage was for him) and went back to leading worship for the singles ministry.

I was ordained in ministry, AS a worship minister. (the ordination was specific to the church itself, not a denomination or national recognition)

I then, met Don, married him ..and life got crazy for a while ..and I was not in music ministry ... I had Samuel ..and got very very sick. No one knew what was wrong ... I had trouble breathing, swallowing, double vision and by the time I got diagnosed, I couldn’t dress myself or chew food.
I finally got diagnosed, and treated, but ...the disease, Myasthenia Gravis ...took away my ability to sing. So ... I stepped out of ministry all together. I had nothing to offer God. I had been trained in music ministry. My heart, from early childhood, had been in music ministry before I even knew what music ministry was ... and now, I had no voice with which to praise Him.

10 years ago, God lead me to Southpark Community Church (yes, that IS the name of it, no, it is not a spammed name!) Within the first few weeks there, I heard a song for the first time ... and my heart broke right there, as I placed on HIS alter, what I considered ministry to be.


When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

I realized, that God wasn't asking me for a perfect voice, that He had simply called me to worship him, in whatever manner He called me to worship him. For a while, I just did a few volunteer things around the church, helping out here and there. Was in a prayer ministry and the benevolence ministry.

Then, after I'd been there for a year, the worship pastor/pastor's wife, Carla, asked me to join the choir. I thought that odd, since she'd never heard me sing. I said something to the pastor, and he said "no, but she's seen your heart worship".

So, I took my weak voice, and joined the choir. It was, the hardest year of ministry I'd had. My head struggled with the music my voice couldn't sing, that I could read, but could not make the sounds. I don't think anyone quite realized how hard it was ... then …the decision came down … they were disbanding the choir. One problem solved ...new problem caused. My heart ...was still with worship ministry!

My mother was the newsletter writer ... and she was using my computer, and was putting in an ad for a secretary for the worship leader. She asked me if I wanted to do it? I had been the secretary for Proclamation …so ...sure, why not!! It would keep me in worship ministry!! (as well, as get me off the singing!)

So, mom called Carla … and ... I began my behind the scenes job of pulling the music for our singers and musicians ... that was 8 years ago.

I have loved my job. I have treasured my job ... I have honored my job. It has been a position that I respect. It is something that I take seriously as I pray over the congregation, the musicians and singers each week. It has been the highlight of my week ...

Carla left in December. Part of me was worried that they were not going to ask me to stay. I was told that was absurd, I was necessary! Whew!

Then Don got sick and I took a leave of absence ... and ... God started to deal with me.

When the music fades ...all is stripped away ...

God is asking more than a song ... for a song in itself is not what he has required ...

It's not mine any more ...

He's calling me out ...

But it's music ministry! That's my heart! That's MY place!

Longing just to be something that's of worth ... that will bless your heart.

I have to do it ...no one else knows the job ...
I'll bring you more than a song ...for a song in itself ...is not what you have required ...

As I took my leave, they had to find a way to do my job without me. They learned how to do what I've done for 8 years ...

You search much deeper within ...to the way things appear, you're looking into my heart ...

There are kids in the church who need me, the worship team doesn't. It's not my place anymore.

You're looking into my heart ...

BUT GOD!!! IT'S WORSHIP! MY HEART IS IN WORSHIP MINISTRY! THESE ARE MY FRIENDS! THIS IS MY SMALL GROUP! THIS IS MY SUPPORT SYSTEM! GOD >>> THIS IS MY HEART!

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Oh God, please, tell me you're not calling me out of the music ministry!

So, two weeks ago, I'm driving down the road, and I'm praying ... God, are you serious? And my cell phone rings ... it's the Children's Pastor: "Peggikaye? I just wanted to invite you to the parents meeting tomorrow night. I know you haven't been real involved this year, but, I think there are things coming up you'll be interested in"

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

And so, I tell her what's been on my heart ... she agrees to pray with me.

It's a hard decision. I love these people. I've served with them; I've served them ...for 8 years. I love this ministry ...

Tonight ... I didn't get to the list before I got there ...they had the music pulled before I could get to it (see, told you they'd learned to do things without me!)

One of the songs

I'm coming back to the heart of worship ... and it's all about you ... all about you Jesus ...

and I realize ... I don't belong here anymore. This isn't my place.

I love these people ...but it isn't my place.

I told my friend Ronda after church. My prayer partner, my accountability partner, my partner in crime ... my mentor ...my big sister ...and she smiled and said "so, has God called you to another ministry?"

And I said "What? No check in your spirit?"
"no, not going to argue with God"

Saturday, I gave my resignation to our worship leader. She did not seem surprised. Fully supportive; she assured me that the worship team would be fine and they were still my family.

Today, I met with the children’s pastor. My official role begins on Wednesday. I will begin by assisting with a musical for Christmas. Then, in January, I will begin my role as Special Events Coordinator. If you’ve read my blog for a couple of years, you’ll know how much I’ve enjoyed planning Kids Night Out, Mother/Daughter Sleep overs, Father’s Day breakfasts.

As we talked, I told her some ideas “off the top of my head” and I she and I realized … it wasn’t off the top of my head … it was in my heart. I’d actually been thinking, and planning. I have some solid ideas and plans already for next year (CLEAR INTO SEPTEMBER!!!) I have a clear vision of what I want to do and why I am there. I feel the passion I’ve had for worship ministry building in my heart for children’s ministry.

Tonight … this feels like a good thing.

What Bible Character Are You

Which Bible Character are you?

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can of worms ...

Well ... my psychiatrist, whom I've lovingly referred to as "Dr. Bobblehead" is leaving. He's taken another job. He thought he might be able to take a few patients with him, but, it doesn't look like, at least in my case, like it's going to work out. So ... I have to find someone new. Monday, will most likely be my last appointment with him.

Last week, I got a phone call ... my new therapist, psychologist, that has been so good. Dr.B, (her name really does start with B) has had to take a sudden medical leave of absence. 4 to 6 weeks. I know more than I should ..first of all ...when I first met her, she told me a little about herself ...she has rheumatoid arthritis, lupus ..and we talked about the commmonality of our medications. One of them, carries a cancer risk.

It hasn't been but a few weeks since we talked about our medications and the risk of cancer they carry. She asked me if I got cancer would my medication have to stop immediately. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure I'd agree to stop it even if I DID get cancer. (I was going through a breast cancer scare, that turned out ok).

She mentioned that if she got cancer on her particular, it would be an immediate removal of the medication. The medication is referred to as a Disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs a DMARDs. DMARDs is a category of drugs used in many autoimmune disorders to slow down disease progression.

The risk of going off of them, is ... well, the progression of the disease.

So ... while Dr. Bobblehead is telling me "don't worry, she'll be back. They'll do the surgery, and she'll start the treatment, and then she'll come back and practice during treatments like a lot of people with cancer."

Yeah huh ... and a lot of people don't have the body she has ...with active RA ... and going off the one drug that's controlling it. Sorry, I simply know too much.

I, more than anyone, understand what's going on, and the need for her to take off (maybe not come back). So, it's not that.

I am wishing that I'd not met her. I'm wishing I'd not trusted her ...but ... something about her ... I had an immediate bond with her. It's not her fault at all.

So, 3 weeks ago, I decide to be open and honest with her, and Dr. Mitchell, since I thought I was going with him .. about something I'd not dealt with. I didn't know it would really be that big of an issue ... I just thought it was about time to open up a bit more. I finally had a therapist I knew was going to be able to work me through the process.

So, they start to ask me questions about the issue ...and one question, they asked ... hit a nerve. I don't think Dr. Bobblehead knew what he was asking. I froze.

So, then last Tuesday, Dr. B and I start to deal with the fall out ...and Friday, she has to take the emergency leave ...and now ... I find out ... that I'm most likely not going with Dr. Bobblehead.

I emailed him last week and said ... I think, one of my fears about dealing with my issues ... is that I'd be dealing with them alone. Like I always have ... and the odd thing is ... I am.

(yes, I'm very aware that I have friends, and blog friends ..and there are people who care. But, it's not the same as my professional team ... and nothing, can make it the same.)

One word. No explanations.
1. Yourself: growing
2. Your spouse: MINE
3. Your hair: thin
4. Your mother: sigh
5. Your father: no comment
6. Your favorite item: elephant collection
7. Your dream last night: nightmare
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: Bug
10. The room you are in: kitchen
11. Your ex: forgiven
12. Your fear: won't say
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Christlike
14. Who you hung out with last night: family
15. What you're not: brave
16. Muffins: none
17: One of your wish list items: Books!
18: Time: Private
19. The last thing you did: searched
20. What you are wearing: pajamas
21. Your favorite weather: cool
22. Your favorite book: Little Women
23. The last thing you ate: Chocolate Milk
24. Your life: Interesting
25. Your mood: anxious
26. Your best friend: BRAVE
27. What you're thinking about right now: Friendship
28. Your car: Contour
29. What you are doing at the moment: fidgiting
30. Your summer: busy
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED
32. What is on your TV: PBS
33. What is the weather like: HOT
34. When was the last time you laughed: 2 weeks ago

Hat tip to Biscotti's Brain ..this one, was just too interesting to pass up. I didn't do a good job of sticking to the one word ..but ... I've never followed directions well ;)

Introducing!

It is common in the blog world, when you know someone who is starting a new blog, or, you come across a new blog that you like to introduce that blogger to your blog friends. I've had the pleasure of introducing a few blogs in my time.

This time, it is a particular pleasure to introduce this blogger, because, not only do I KNOW this blogger, but I am related to this blogger. By choice, not by blood. *grin*

This blogger, is, my sister law, Pam. Healing Herbals Inner Sage

Her heading reads :
Healing Herbals Inner Sage
The workings of an herbalist, including the growing, foraging and making of products. I believe in and strive to live by the teachings of our Grandmothers, both those of my Native American and European ancestry. Many call these the Wise Women, Elder or Crone ways. After talking with the Creator, each of us should tune in to our inner voice, my listening brought me to this path. So listen, as I share my Inner Sage www.healingherbals.org

And her profile reads
I am a 40 something woman who loves herbs, writing, making products and hearing how they work, reading, and learning Everything I do, I have to keep in mind, that I really do have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and disc deteriation, as much as I would like to forget those things. This is the first year my 13 yr old will be attending public school, so all my reservations and excitement may come out in words!! I believe in gardening, composting, buying and eating locally, sustainability, & urban homesteading. I love nature (except biting things !) the moon, running water, the wind and all things living. I try to live the way I want to be treated.

She does not have a picture up yet, BUT ... I have pictures :)


This, is Pam with her VAST array of products. I have a personal ad to the side that I placed. Not at Pam's request, but at my own behest, because I so firmly believe in her products. They are great! Many of them were developed when I called Pam and said "HELP! I have this need!"
The acne was developed for my son Samuel ...but alas, we cannot tell you how he likes it, because ... the kid won't use it. He won't use a two step process, so he has yet to find anything 'that works' ... yes, Pam, you may strangle said nephew now. However, younger nephew of hers, SWEARS by her acne product, and rarely has more than 3 pimples ... and he uses it faithfully. Samuel's acne is bad enough to go to a dermatologist. (however, I REFUSE to take him to a dermatologist until he's tried to do over the counter or Aunt Pam's stuff faithfully!It's not TRULY bad enough to go if he's not TRIED to take care of it.) So, you be the judge ... 3 pimples with treatment ... acne without it ...hmmmmmmmmm

ok, this was supposed to be an introduction to her blog, not an advertisement for her products .. i could go on and on and on about her pain salve, her healing salve (I describe it to friends as a cross between ... neosporin and hydrocortosone cream ...if you'd use one of those ... you can use this!)

Back to the pictures ... this WONDERFUL Portrait! was taken by my nephew of Pam and her brother, my husband, at either our house dedication or the house warming party last November. He changed the background to it, to give it a portrait type background.



I don't have any pictures of Pam and I ..however, I'm sure at our renewal ceremony in December, I will get one. This time, Pam will be at our wedding ...unlike last time ... no one was at our wedding ... Pam was on our honeymoon (it was at her house) but she can't come on this honeymoon!

So, please, go visit Pam's new blog, and give her a warm welcome. And then, go visit her website for her products and if you're interested (you should be!) BUY some! You will not be let down.

Personality Plus (or in hiding as the case may be ....)

Hat tip to my friend Jeff for this gem .... telling me what I already knew ...

The test says I'm an introvert! How dare they call this homebody an introvert! hmmph!

Important information!

http://illnessministry.ning.com/video/video/show?id=847406%3AVideo%3A5

Double Crush

Don had an EMG last week. The news was crushing to say the least. They wanted to find out the cause of his pain and numbness since he'd been in the hospital ... and they wanted to find out if maybe there was some carpel or ulner(?) tunnel nerve going on. Maybe some neuralgia.

What they found out was that it was polyneuralgia ...and that the damage was double crushed ... at the neck, the elbow, and the wrist (depending on the nerve).

The nerves are permanently damaged, and decompressing them, will not make a difference. They will not get better.

The doctor, today, was quite discouraged. He said that it frustrated him, because, if it was his brother, he'd be scared, because his scoliosis is 'messed up, really messed up, nightmare messed up'.

This is really the first doctor to talk to us in REAL terms.

We are going to check out a Dr. Lenke in St. Louis. The orthopedic surgeon suggested that we get copies of all his xrays, his MRI's, EMG's all his reports, lung function tests and write him a letter ... and just say "can you help?" So far, Dr. Lenke is the only surgeon we've found that will even approach the type of scoliosis that Don has. (if anyone knows anything about him ... please please please post or email me!!!!!!!!!!!! good or bad ..or indifferent, even if it's just to say, yeah, I've heard of him!)

As for me, I'm exhausted. I've been going to my therapist week after week .. and she looks at me and sighs ... I will have to tell her next week though that ... really, aside from the Don issues ... the other medical stuff we've faced this year ...really aren't that unusual. I'm always tired. I'm always hurting. Nothing new here. I just was getting more rest because Don was doing more ... and helping a lot. So, I'm really not any sicker.

I think my life overwhelms her at times. She's going to have to get over that. I need her help to get beyond my issues ... and to do that, she's going to have to get beyond my current every day crisis' that seem to happen every day. Those have been on going for 18 years ...they seem like a big deal to her ...but for me, they are par for the coarse ... I realize that concerns her ... and that she lives with chronic illness herself ...and that she had a mother with chronic illness ...but ... for me, it's just her times 3 ... so ... big deal ... it's my life, my cards I've been dealt. I need to deal with what's caused the eating disorder ... the day to day junk ..is always going to be there. If she tries to deal with that first ...we'll never get to what's underneath.

The boys started school already last year. My oldest is a Senior, and my baby is a Freshman!!! Geesh ... time flies. It just wasn't that long ago that I took my son to kindergarten at Little Light House and watched him toddle into class with his back pack ... with his big eyes ...and those glasses ... and that huge smile ... and now ... he's in high school! Where, did the time go?

Psalm 23 and the summer of 2007

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.


1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

The Lord, has guided me this summer. When I needed support while Don was in the hospital, I was not alone. Our finances ... instead of being challenged, were just fine. (we even came out ahead!)

I knew, that I had many people to call if I needed to ... that would come to me 24/7 for the entire 45 days. The issue wasn't, would I have someone, but rather ...who should I call? I made many calls during that time period ... and I still didn't call everyone I could have called.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

There have been times that my mother has been in the hospital, or that I have been ... and the care has been; shall we say - - less than adequate. It felt unsafe to leave my mom in the hospital alone.

This time, with Don, not one time did I feel like I was not leaving my husband in good hands. I could go home to rest, and sleep every night.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

More than once, I felt like I could not go on for even 5 more minutes. All it took was a prayer, and I had a sudden realization, that God was with me... regardless of how bad it got ... no matter scary it got ... with just a "Lord, I'm tired" I would instantly know, HE was my strength.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

This, was the theme for the summer. I have never been so aware of how true this Psalm was actually until I actually spent a few days, wondering "would my husband make it?" "Will I be a widow?" "How can he leave me now?"

And yet, with all the sadness, and concern ... there was an overwhelming sense of peace. A Peace that cannot be explained.

Don and I have always had slightly differing opinions on what to do for 'living will' situations. I've never really known if I could go through with his wishes. Yet, we'd talked about it so much ... I knew exactly what to do, and when ... what to agree to, what to question ... and when we had the discussion with the doctor of "IF this doesn't work, what measures need to be taken?"
I was able to talk to them, calmly, and with assurance that I knew what my husband wanted ...and that I would be able to follow through, with God at my side.



5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

There were a few situations that I had to stand and advocate for my husband. They, were not enemies, by any stretch of the imagination. (well, wait, when he got home I guess we got into that scenerio since we've had to fire TWO home health agencies!) I was able to do so, with assurance that I knew what I was talking about. I knew that God gave me enough assertiveness to get through the situation. More than once, my husband became confused, questioning what was going on, frustrated and angry ..and I was able to keep the peace so that they did not become enemies.

This, is not, in my personality. This, was through the prayer, and the guidance of my Shephard that I was able to do so.



6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

We dedicated our house to God when we got it. It was such a wonderful thing to bring my husband home! To see him now walking on his own, using the walker at times, and not at others ... the oxygen not being constantly on (which is ok)and seeing his strength return bit by bit, day by day ... it is good to dwell in this house with my husband ... and to call our house, the house of the Lord.

Antiquities

So, Yesterday, I took my youngest son, my BABY up to the high school (sort of, 9th and 10th grade only in the school) to pick up his schedule.

Today, I took my oldest son, who is still my BABY, to the other high school (11th and 12th grade only) to pick up his schedule.

My youngest is a freshman, my oldest a senior. I, am now the mother of 2 high school students! *shock*

I then, wanted to get an appraisal on my kitchen table. I have a very unique kitchen table. Solid Maple, and my parents bought it at an antique store when I was a year old. It's not a normal table at all, round (not oval) and it is SOLID maple. Heavy and beautiful.

So, I stopped at an Antique store, it was obvious that she didn't have furniture, but I thought she might know who could do appraisals (the answer was a *no* ...what????)

My son, just found a new hobby in life. Antiquing! He loved the history ..and he found a lot of little things that he loved. One, he collects hats, and he found an old, spanish, wool bull fighters cap! He can afford it after he gets his allowance.

The other, is, he likes to collect military stuff. Doesn't matter what branch, and it can be a pin, a pen, a bracelet, arm band ...doesn't matter ... he loves it. Well, he is also a HUGE M*A*S*H fan. We walked into the second store, and they had an old Army Jacket, obviously real, with the name "Pearce" on it (obviously, it's Pierce in MASH, but hey! Close enough for government work!)

Turned out, that for pants and jacket, they only wanted $5!!!!!! The guy was discharged in 1964 and passed away right after coming home from Viet Nam. The owner of his belongings does not want them ...at all ..and is just selling them! WOW.
So, he has them hung on hangers and hung on the wall right now till we figure out a way to display them.

The hardest part (as well as a fun part) was seeing my entire childhood in the antique stores! "We had these plates!"
"We had these glasses!"
"We had this mixing bowl!" (we HAVE THAT MIXING BOWL AND YOU WANT $35 bucks for it? I'm USING MINE ???? um ...er .. uh ... maybe not anymore!!!)
"We had this ..."

I think I said that about 100 times. I could have restocked my childhood kitchen from those 2 stores! What is my childhood doing in an ANTIQUE STORE???

I did see a few things I will go back and get. They held a lot of meaning to me as a child ...and ...well, to have something just like them ... will be very special!