Pearls and Dreams
I was informed that I haven't really blogged, other than my bits and spits ... in a few days.
I've had quite the week ..and not real sure where my brain is. Hard to blog when your brain is missing.
I saw my therapist last week and we talked about my body image issues ...she wants to really dig into them. So, Tuesday, I saw my psychiatrist, and HE DID dig into them.
I wasn't really happy with the results, regardless of how accurate it was. Their solution for me fixing the issues wasn't exactly on my top 10 list of doing either.
My psychiatrist says that I want to be invisible ... and that my loosing weight and gaining weight with the eating disorder is largely tied into that. As much as I hate being overweight ... as much as it upsets me ... being visible upsets me more. As I loose weight, and get down to about where I am now ... people start to make remarks ...how good I look ..and some not so generalized remarks.
As I get down about 20 to 30 lbs lower, the remarks really start ... and the terms become more sexualized ..and ... I freak out ...and wind up gaining ... climbing right back over 250 lbs to 285 lbs...where I can stay invisible to society.
Usually ..the weight comes off in 80 to 100 lbs in just a few months. 98 lbs in 4 months put me in myasthenic crisis and in ICU ... hospitalized for 17 days ... and no one figured out it was my own starving myself that did it (even though I refused to eat in the hospital).
This time ...the weight has been much slower ... 60 lbs in 21 months. Slow steady ..and even ...and I thought my brain would wrap around it, but it hasn't. In my mind, I'm still the almost 300 lbs person I was 2 years ago. What alarmed me in the conversation with my psychiatrist ... is that maybe the prednisone that I was put on in crisis' after a massive weight loss didn't have as much to do with the weight gain ..as the panic over the comments I'd get ...
I'm certainly not liking them now. My ideal would be ...loose the weight ..and no one notice. Invisible. Like the blog world .. see my heart, not my body.
Let me get healthy and not sexualize it ..please. But, it seems like that's what we live in, even in a Christian environment ..because, christians are sexual beings too,even when they don't want to admit it (or there would be no children).
Top that conversation off (yes, I did end that abruptly) I saw my urologist ...who is talking about my probably needing to go to Intermittent Self-Catheterization. Ok, so he said it was going to be necessary ... his preference would be now. I think he backed off yesterday because I almost fainted (literally) when he mentioned it. I must have gone awfully pale because he said we'd discuss it at the next appointment. I got pretty dizzy and the world was spinning around me ... I wasn't prepared for that ...
I kind of knew he'd be thinking about another surgery, and he is ... I just didn't expect it to be both surgery and THIS.
For the record ... I hate having lupus and myasthenia. I hate having a whacked out body image and eating disorder ... I hate eating (hmmm does that make sense following the previous statement) ... and in short ... I wish I was healthy and a healthy weight ... then ... I don't know.
Sorry for the downer of a post ... maybe now that I've gotten it out of my system I can go back to my regular blogging.