Pearls and Dreams
I was informed that I haven't really blogged, other than my bits and spits ... in a few days.
I've had quite the week ..and not real sure where my brain is. Hard to blog when your brain is missing.
I saw my therapist last week and we talked about my body image issues ...she wants to really dig into them. So, Tuesday, I saw my psychiatrist, and HE DID dig into them.
I wasn't really happy with the results, regardless of how accurate it was. Their solution for me fixing the issues wasn't exactly on my top 10 list of doing either.
My psychiatrist says that I want to be invisible ... and that my loosing weight and gaining weight with the eating disorder is largely tied into that. As much as I hate being overweight ... as much as it upsets me ... being visible upsets me more. As I loose weight, and get down to about where I am now ... people start to make remarks ...how good I look ..and some not so generalized remarks.
As I get down about 20 to 30 lbs lower, the remarks really start ... and the terms become more sexualized ..and ... I freak out ...and wind up gaining ... climbing right back over 250 lbs to 285 lbs...where I can stay invisible to society.
Usually ..the weight comes off in 80 to 100 lbs in just a few months. 98 lbs in 4 months put me in myasthenic crisis and in ICU ... hospitalized for 17 days ... and no one figured out it was my own starving myself that did it (even though I refused to eat in the hospital).
This time ...the weight has been much slower ... 60 lbs in 21 months. Slow steady ..and even ...and I thought my brain would wrap around it, but it hasn't. In my mind, I'm still the almost 300 lbs person I was 2 years ago. What alarmed me in the conversation with my psychiatrist ... is that maybe the prednisone that I was put on in crisis' after a massive weight loss didn't have as much to do with the weight gain ..as the panic over the comments I'd get ...
I'm certainly not liking them now. My ideal would be ...loose the weight ..and no one notice. Invisible. Like the blog world .. see my heart, not my body.
Let me get healthy and not sexualize it ..please. But, it seems like that's what we live in, even in a Christian environment ..because, christians are sexual beings too,even when they don't want to admit it (or there would be no children).
Top that conversation off (yes, I did end that abruptly) I saw my urologist ...who is talking about my probably needing to go to Intermittent Self-Catheterization. Ok, so he said it was going to be necessary ... his preference would be now. I think he backed off yesterday because I almost fainted (literally) when he mentioned it. I must have gone awfully pale because he said we'd discuss it at the next appointment. I got pretty dizzy and the world was spinning around me ... I wasn't prepared for that ...
I kind of knew he'd be thinking about another surgery, and he is ... I just didn't expect it to be both surgery and THIS.
For the record ... I hate having lupus and myasthenia. I hate having a whacked out body image and eating disorder ... I hate eating (hmmm does that make sense following the previous statement) ... and in short ... I wish I was healthy and a healthy weight ... then ... I don't know.
Sorry for the downer of a post ... maybe now that I've gotten it out of my system I can go back to my regular blogging.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
No wonder your stressed with everything going on... It's your blog if you want to vent you have everyright to!!! besides it helps to get it out. I didn't realize he wanted to start this so soon.. Ouch... I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeletepk, I was just ready to hit the sack when I read this and I had to respond. I want to talk to you a minute about self-catherizations.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had cancer in 95, my big surgery left with a paralyzed bladder. I had no choice. It was either learn and do self-caths or lose my bladder. I'm going to be honest and tell you it was about the hardest thing in life I have ever had to learn. The first nurse that came in the room to teach me.. asked me ...first thing out of her mouth..."You mean you've NEVER catherized yourself before?" I thought that to be the most stupid question anyone could ever ask me. I found out the reason she asked. She couldn't have possibly taught me how to do that.
When I went home from the hosp. about 8 days later I had nurses that had to come every 4 hrs. around the clock to cath me until they could teach me. Also understand I was woking around a 9 in incision that didn't stop at the pelvic line but went completely through the pelvic area. One day I made up my mind I was going to learn how to do this. I did! Once I learned what position to get into that worked for me and exactly where that dot was at that represented my bladder, it became much easier.
I did this every 4 hrs. for months, eventually it went to 4 times a day or every 6 hrs...I did it for well over a year. At that point I only did residuals once my blader again starting working. It took almost 3 years total before I could stop them altogether.
Self cath is not like sticking a big ass foley in there. They are about 6 inches long and clear plastic. Almost lookes like a small diameter straw. Once you master them they are not painful and you become expert after a while. Sometimes your doc. will prescribe xylocaine (sp) to put on the cath to numb you so it doesn't bother you. Mine would not allow that. We were trying to get the feeling back not paralyze it more. I used K-Y jelly only.
When I went back to work I could just go in the bathroom, face the toilet, put one foot up on the toilet seat and just stick it in and make sure the flow hit the bowl.
Like you I almost fainted when I heard i would have to do this. NO GETTING OUT OF IT was the exact words my onc. said to me. I did try to refuse until he asked me what urologist I wanted him to send me to so I could have my blader removed. He wasn't kidding about it.
Its not fun pk but it is doable if need be. After a while, like everything else, it becomes almost second nature. hard to imagine right now but it does happen.
I wish I had a majic wand to help you through all you have to face.
i would be as terrified as you to hear about catheterization.
ReplyDeletei don't know if this will make you feel better, but i have seen a lot of women who have been self catheterizing for years, and were freaked out by the idea in the beginning too. hang in there.
by the way, thanks for dropping by to attend the BA meeting...
Hey Peggikaye...
ReplyDeleteI know you are looking for the light switch.
And I wish that I could flip the switch for you.
All I know is that when Paul was struck blind and couldn't see...
That was when he was able to "see with understanding".
Does that make sense to you?
later...
ohhh pk,
ReplyDeleteok this will sound strange and you can just throw it away as a stupid comment if you like and thats ok.
But.... you see we dont see your size or anyones elses we see instead the size of the heart, and for us as simplistic as this may be, is beating well and truly for the utmost good and hope for everyone.
So what if this is not a positive post. It's what's going on with you and it's real. Everyone has the right to vent and voice their frustrations - that's what great about blogging.
ReplyDeleteAs everyone else said, we're with you, we're thinking about you, and we support you even on tough days like this.
This is a wonderful post. I have had some of these issues. (It's even kinda hard to type this comment...) Cathy, thanks so much for your input. Those of us facing self-catherization are really just left to wonder what's waiting for us.
ReplyDeleteThank Heaven for the Internet and my lovely extended family through it. This is what it is all about.
Lots of loving prayers and all-enveloping hugs to you, Baby BlogSis!
Not a positive post? hmmmm I think its positive in that what you are sharing is very real. Your issues are serious and frightening but you were able to share them with us and get some support and thats a good thing. I will be praying for you thru this
ReplyDeleteNo masks here. That's a good thing. Feeling are good. Remember someone told me that. You got a great big soft heart- so share it! Where would "Trouble" be without
ReplyDelete"trouble"? ((( cyber hugs))
Trouble
What a great post; I really identify with your "visible/invisible" issues -- I have frequently found myself grappling with the same concerns. You're right in that we shouldn't have to experience unwanted comments regarding our appearance -- no matter who the comments are from. But too often, the (subconscious?) feelings that these comments arouse lead to additional weight to hide behind. Identification is the first step, although it can hurt (much like pulling that old bandaid off of the infected sore)...it sounds as though your psychiatrist and therapist are not afraid help you dig deep (a rare trait).
ReplyDeleteRegarding the MG/urology issues -- hang in there. You've got lots of support (and the catheterizations aren't so bad. Really.) I'll be thinking about you.
A
"I want to be invisible ... and that my loosing weight and gaining weight with the eating disorder is largely tied into that. As much as I hate being overweight ... as much as it upsets me ... being visible upsets me more. As I loose weight, and get down to about where I am now ... people start to make remarks ...how good I look ..and some not so generalized remarks.
ReplyDeleteAs I get down about 20 to 30 lbs lower, the remarks really start ... and the terms become more sexualized ..and ... I freak out ...and wind up gaining ... climbing right back over 250 lbs to 285 lbs...where I can stay invisible to society."
I could have written this.
Sigh.
Perhaps its time to take another look at this.