Who's Garden are you in?

I went for aI went for a walk today while my mother was being tested. In Tulsa's very own Rose Gardens. Granted ... August, when we've had streak of 100 degree temps is not when you should be visiting rose gardens ...but something struck me about life.

As I walked around the garden, I was saddened by all the pale and frail, wilting roses. The proud strong rose bushes were producing roses that were frail, and had few petals, pale in color compared to what they had most likely produced in their prime season. Bushes proudly proclaimed their labels, in rows, laid out as if they were royalty of the city. Crumbling around the garden were petals falling to the ground in an ugly brown mess.

All over the garden were signs that proclaimed rose bushes that claimed the bushes to be "Pink Chiffon" so pale an artist wouldn't even deem it call it white. Golden Peach was a dim and ugly burned gold that was burned by the sun, petals curled and hiding their top layers from the unforgiving heat. Royal reds and once brilliant yellows now dim and dingy with the oppressing heat. The once inviting garden was a sad and grim place.

Walking to the garden center to use the restroom, I saw another flower garden with more signs ... proclaiming flowers I didn't recognize ...dim purples, faded yellows, even greens ...all wilted and worn. Placed just so ... desperately needing water. Desperately needing care.

The soil was well tilled, no weeds were growing ... yet, no one thought to pluck away the dead flowers ... occasionally ... a new flower would peek out ..strong and brilliant ...and you knew that because it too, would soon be ugly like it's peers. Overcome by the heat and just not willing to try anymore.

As I went into the garden center, there was one patch of flowers ...it said that it was tended to by 'the children's garden club'. No signs declaring what types of flowers, but there were more than a dozen varieties. All thriving. Many of them the type in the garden I'd just passed.

The colors as bright as a child's color crayon box and ready to paint the rainbow in the sky. Yellows that could compete with the sun for brightness. White so pure and bright you'd swear it got it's color from freshly driven snow. Purple that could have only come from the most royal of coats. Even green flowers ..deep greens, bright greens, medium greens, of several shades. Reds as bright as a fire truck. The small garden sparked of life ...and yet ...not one sign that said "I am a cornflower" or "I am a bluebell".

The small garden ...unassuming, out of the way, the flowers not separated into the proud strong bushes with the paths leading up to them laid out like royalty for all to see. The flowers, bunched together, a small community, thriving together and humble in it's very existence.

And I thought ... who's garden would I rather be in? How much like God's word is this example of a garden laid out before me. The last will be first and the first will be last. The garners put so much time and effort into "THE ROSES" placing them just so ...yet, when it is out of season, the royalty ...just isn't being cared for ... the proud bushes ... don't know they don't matter anymore ...and they bully their way for attention ... sucking up all the nutrients from the soil ... demanding attention ...yet ...sadly failing at their job of providing the beauty they could be providing with some attention ...some gardening ... some pruning. A green house for proper protection from the heat ...

Compare to this little garden, tended to by children ... tender loving care ... same plants ... same season ... thriving in spite of the ugly temperatures ... bright and living. Unassuming. Undemanding ... and yet, the beauty shines.

Next spring, the roses the flowers will be in their prime, and in all likelihood, this little children's garden will be still flourishing ... but go unnoticed, until once again, the regal roses become faded and dingy by the summer sun.

Who's garden would you rather be in ... the one with the year round children's garden club, who lovingly, without judgement, or thought to who is going to see you or where you came from ... proudly grooms you ... nourishes you in a community for your strength and beauty ... or the Rose Garden ...where you are set apart on display ...your name on a plaque for all to see what your color and type is ... but you are only there for a season... and only cared for because someone is paid to do so.

The first shall be last, and the last shall be first ... come to me with the heart of a child ... unconditional love ... strength of community ... so much of God was shown to me in those two garden's today. I hope, I never forget it.

Seriously, go ...

Yesterday, for fun, I sent you to Cathy's Rants and Ramblings for a Blogger's Anonymous meeting. Today, I want you to go to her blog for a much more important reason.
She is doing a 24 hour blog athon. Raising money for the Alzheimer's Association. She lost her mother to this disease.

Please, go, support her by either sponsoring her (each blogathoner is trying to raise $500 for their charity, she, at 9:50 AM Central Standard time is $60 short, go help if you can!!) cheering her on, reading her posts and letting her know she's not alone in cyberspace!

For some people, 24 hours on line is just missing sleep. For Cathy, it is a sacrifice of love for her mother. Cathy has osteo arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis and has had total knee replacements and problems with edema and other health issues that require rest and care. But, to raise money for the Alzheimer's association, she is icing up, compression hosing up, and blogging along!

So, seriously, go ... Support her, if you can at all, even $5, financially, if not, let her know she's not alone!

Thank you! UPDATE: Cathy surpassed the $500. You can still donate for up to 48 hours after the blog athon ends (10 minutes ago) CONGRATULATIONS CATHY! YOU MADE IT!!!!!!!! The blog athon as a whole had Number of blogs: 285 Total pledges: 97,299.68 ...various charities and causes ... I surfed a few blog a thon blogs and I can tell you ...Cathy did an exceptional job. There were bloggers who stepped out to parties and had 'guest bloggers' ... Cathy stayed the whole 24 hours. There were bloggers who had 4 hours of posts that read "this is so hard! I can't believe how tiring this is!" Cathy had interesting posts all through ... it is well worth the read ...if you missed it, go read while she takes a couple days to recouperate. (And sponsor her if you can!).

You can borrow mine

Pearls and Dreams



I started the process of Habitat and it was hard. I've posted about that before ... you can go back through almost any given month on this blog and find a posting about my habitat journey, sweat equity work or progress I was making.

On Tuesday, they put in the electical pole that will supply electricity needed to build the house. Follwing that, the foundation will be laid. The first building should be September 9th. Our house wall raising will be done during a celebration week for Habitat. One that celebrates the 30th anniversary of Habitat for Humanity (the organization, not Tulsa). What an incredible honor, after so much struggle, to be able to be a part of that celebration.

Today's comment is about a particular incident. Happened almost a year ago. I had 127 hours left to go on my 450. I desperately wanted to be done by Christmas, and wasn't sure I could accomplish it. I had a friend from my 'class' who had also gone through the wringer trying to get in Broken Arrow and was building in Broken Arrow. Normally, the home owner "hosts" the home. However, for her, they'd be building on Friday's and Saturdays and she worked on Fridays. She needed a hostess. I needed sweat equity hours. We were friends. To our surprise, Habitat agreed.

I went out the second Friday in August. The heat was unbearable. I can remember drinking water ... and wondering why this person who goes to the bathroom relentlessly ...didn't have to go all day. Was I afraid of the portapotty and mentally blocking it? About 30 minutes before I'd planned on leaving, but 30 minutes after I was allowed to leave ... I was about to faint, so, I decided to pack it in.

Through a hazy mind, I put the hostess kit up ..and got into my car. I gulped some water. I drove about 2 miles, then had to run into a resteraunt to use the restroom. I had the runs like I couldn't have imagined. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM! (didn't know that was a sign of being over heated at the time). I was so relieved it had happened AFTER I'd left the porta potty.

I drove over to Habitat to turn in my sweat equity slip as required. I felt like I'd accomplished something. I still felt like I was gulping for air, but I had finished the day. I walked in and handed the family coordinator my ticket. She looked alarmed.

"Peggikaye! Are you going to be able to physically DO this?"

I assured her, I could.

I got back into the car and was appalled at the fact that oh my gosh, I'm SICK. I think Mary confirming that I looked as bad as I felt ... scared me.

I started to cry as I drove home. I prayed and I cried. It was one of those times that I know that I know that I know that God exists ... and that God has an interest in my day to day living ... and no one could ever convince me otherwise. I was desperately sick .. and having someone acknowlege it, just seemed to tune me into how desperately sick I was.

Was Mary right, was the lupus, myasthenic patient going to be able to work these hours outside in Oklahoma August to get the hours done?

God ...how! How am I going to do this?

As I pulled off the expressway, the radio announcer said they were playing a song that they were sure was going to touch, and help a lot of people.
Bebo Norman started to sing a song
Take my hand and walk with me a while
Cause it seems your smile has left you
And don't give in, when you fall apart
And your broken heart has failed you
I'll set a light up
On a hilltop
To show you my love
For this world to see

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

Take my love when all that you can see
Is the raging sea all around us
And don't give up 'cause I'm not letting go
And the God we know will not fail us
We'll lay it all down
As we call out
Sweet Savior
help our unbelief

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

When you are weak
Unable to speak
You are not alone
The God who has saved us
Will never forsake us
he's coming to take us
Take us to our home

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

Take my hand
Take my love
Don't give in
Don't give up
(by Bebo Norman)

As the words hit my heart ... and I had a clear knowlege, I was not alone. I had my small group praying, my friends praying, my worship team praying, the youth group praying, the church staff praying ... and I knew that was how I was going to get it done, even in the oklahoma heat! I had faith to borrow when I was too sick to see straight!

I got home, took a shower and went to bed. It was 4 pm. I woke up the next morning at about 10 am ... in the hospital. I had a massive UTI, dehydration.
A couple of days later, the song running through my head, I realized ... it had been so massively hard ...not because I had lupus or MG ... but because I was sick. I would get through.

It was never easy ..and it was always difficult and DID effect both the lupus and the MG ... however, every week as I left Bonnie's house, I'd get into the car and before I could get to the end of her street .. the song would come on ...

Borrow mine
When you can't go on
'Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine


The most incredible God moment of the whole Habitat sweat equity journey came the moment I hit 450 hours. I was tired, but excited, it was my last day. I was hitting the top! I was at the ReStore and had the Christian station on. My friend from small group was at her job, and had the same station on.
As the clock turned to 3 pm that October day ... The song came on ... RIGHT as I hit my final minute. I knew it was God's gift to me ...and to Cindy for praying me through, loaning me faith ...and cheering me on.
We texted each other excitedly ... DID YOU HEAR THAT!!!!

I've been asked both on line and off ... how can you have such an unwavering faith ... when you have had moments like these, and you can feel God the Father smiling at you, cheering for you and almost hear him saying "I care about every little thing!" and you know, that when your faith is down ...you have friends who you can go to. You find ..that you have no choice but to believe.

temperatures

Pearls and Dreams

Day before yesterday at this time it was 87, yesterday, 91 ...right now ...101.

Lovely, heat wave has returned.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Dear Lady,

I know that you were anxious and upset at having to spend your time this afternoon in a breast surgeon's office. I realize that just the fact that you'd been referred to this particular doctor was an anxiety producing experience for you. However, that did not give you the right to make the experience worse for the rest of us, that were in the same position as you.
The fact that it was 4:10 and your appointment was for 4:15 and you had not been taken back yet, should not have been surprising to you. If it is, then it is obvious that you have not spent too much time in doctor's offices. To stand there and demand that your appointment was for 4:15 and that that is when you better see the doctor. There are other women who are also waiting their turn to see the doctor. My appointment was for 4, you might as well sit down and wait ... I will be seen before you.
When you got up for the third time to yell at the receptionist (who ever taught you it was appropriate to YELL at a doctor's office staff?) and tell them that they had no right to make you wait like this, that this was one of the most anxiety producing experiences in your life and how dare they put you through this (at 4:18 mind you) I wanted to get up and say something. I wish, I had the nerve to have done so.
First of all ...not ONE woman in that office was there as 'just a patient'. Every single woman that walks through those doors is there because they've had a problem with their breasts. No one, is there because things are OK. No one is there as a standard patient like they are in a primary care office. No one, is there and comfortable. Every woman coming into that office is on edge because they could be walking out with news they don't want to hear. Or already has news they didn't want to hear.
You are obviously in your 50's. You are obviously, an inexperienced patient ... you obviously will never know what it means to NEVER in your life hear "your mammogram is normal" because your first mammogram was abnormal and got you sent to that breast surgeon to start with. You obviously have had, otherwise good health.
I know that there is great panic in this issue, I've watched our church secretary deal with it for the last 3 or 4 months. With great grace and dignity, might I add! I realize that you don't know if you really have breast cancer, and you are scared. I know that. I know that you feel your life is out of control ... but that doesn't give you the right to attack the doctor's office staff ... nor yell and make the rest of us who's appointments were scheduled before you uncomfortable. You really didn't have the right to increase our anxiety because of your own anxiety.
You know, as I sat there realizing that you obviously were an inexperienced patient I wondered what it must be like to be in the mid 50's and not know how a doctor's office operates. I wondered what would it be like to go more than 5 decades of a life before a real health issue effected my life. I can't even imagine. Catestrophic illness effected me before I hit the quarter century mark. I've never known a day of parenting without chronic illness.
While, I'm not discounting the fear you're going through ... I am saying your fear is not unknown to those around you. Maybe, just maybe, you might want to look at what you have had up till now ... if you truly ARE sick ... you're going to need every ounce of courage you can get to fight the disease ... and trust me, screaming at the doctor's staff ... and making everyone around you miserable, will not help anyone, but especially ... not you.

Another Patient.

As far as my appointment went ... she wants a repeat of mammogram and seeing her in 6 months. Calcifications are the microcalcifications ... and they've grown slightly ... she still can't tell me if the pain is the calcification related or lupus related, but the tissue where the pain is isn't 'normal' but there is no tumor or cyst where the pain is. So, continue as is ...and follow up in 6 months. :P

She said I didn't look healthy. To get some rest. hmmm Lovely.

Monday's Musings

Pearls and Dreams

I got up this morning and went to my work out. I did manage to complete it today. It was hard work ... and I had to take a break, which, I don't normally have to do ...but I completed it.
Very very frustrated at the 3 steps forward 2 steps back. Yes, I know, it's the nature of autoimmunity.
There was a time a few years ago that the idea of working out was unbelievable ... impossible, so I should be grateful at the progress I've made rather than the progress I'm not making.

Today, my PT was working with another lady ...and she was working hard with a one lb weight. He looked over at me and grinned ... BIG grin. I know he was remembering when we first started ...I had 1/2 lbs and I had to do 5 repititions, rest for 3 or 4 minutes ... and do 5 more ...and it wore me out.
Now I'm doing 6 lbs ... only 3 sets of 6 repititions (I had worked my way up to 7 repititions of 3 sets of 10 ... but, we've gone backwards again)

So, several weeks ago, before I was out of official PT and in the aftercare, my Psychiatrist suggested that I ask the PT (who is also a certified personal trainer in addition to being a physical therapist, he's also worked with those with eating disorders ... ) what his opinion of my exercise 'mindset' is.

They have a theory that while I can't exericise to the point of exercise bulimia because of the autoimmunity ... my mind is still there and I go overboard and push it too hard and exercise obsessively and to a disordered degree. Thhpppffttt.

So, after several "Have you asked your therapist?" "If you don't, I'm going to need you to sign this release to get his opinion officially" correspondences ... I finally got the nerve to email him and ask. His response was rude. "Hmm… I would say you have the exercise mindset of an OCD persona."

Ok ... lol ...so that's probably not rude. My first thought was "How wude!" So, now I am I supposed to tell my psychiatrist that I don't obessessivly exercise? hmmmmmm How wude. He was supposed to take my side. That's the problem with having a PT that's known you for 7 years. :P

I sent him the angry baby picture from Dr. Deb's site (angry faces post)in response.

I came home from working out and took a 4 hour nap. My husband is making dinner tonight.

Tomorrow, I go to the breast surgeon to discuss the mammogram from last week. I hate these appointments. It is unnerving to have to be in a specialists office for this. Knowing there is a reason to be followed by a breast surgeon is not comforting. Knowing it will in all likelihood never turn out to be anything ... is beside the point, they're not sure enough to let my family doc follow it. A specialist is following it. ugh.

Mom's evaluation for dementia is on Friday. I don't think it's anytime too soon. I'm a bit uncomfortable about it. I thought it wasn't going to be too bad, she's acted like she's in favor of the testing and understood why it is being done. Then, when I wasn't at church yesterday, she evidently said that she was upset at having the testing done. Thankfully, our associate pastor (teaching the class) talked her into the necessisty of it. sigh.

Blue Eyes

Pearls and Dreams

There once was a little girl with big blue eyes who bounced. Every where she went ...she bounced. She couldn't sit still, she couldn't walk normally ... she didn't do anything, without bouncing. You can even see it in all of her pictures, she was a bouncy little girl.

This little girl was the youngest child, and had an older sister, and older step siblings. A younger half brother would come along, but lived with her father and his mother and isn't part of this story ... isn't really a part of this story either.

2 of the step siblings lived with this little girl and her sister. A brother, and a sister. They were 10 and 11 years older than the girl. The brother was the oldest. The little girl never understood what 'step' meant until long after the brother and sister moved out and went back to live with their mother. Their father, married her mother when the little girl was 13 months old, as far as she was concerned, they were her brother and sister. She never saw them as anything else. Their father, was Daddy, as well.

There was a day when the brother and all 3 sisters were skating in the neighborhood. The little girl kept falling down, and the older sister was determined to teach the youngest girl how to skate without falling. The brother and the sister worked tirelessly to help her. They had friends that came by and would say "let's go to ..." and they said "No, we're teaching her how to skate" The little sister knew that they would be allowed by the parents to go with the friends, watching the little kids wasn't a requirements. Tag alongs ... wasn't encouraged.
She knew they were CHOOSING to play with her. She felt so loved. Cherished.

The next weekend, she was watching cartoons and her brother came in. "Come on! I got something for you!"
All the neighborhood kids were playing ... he could have been playing with anyone, but he came to play with the little blue eyed bouncy girl. He grabbed her and put her on his shoulders and they went out the door. She still had no idea what was up.

When they got outside, he put her down on the hood of the car "Shhhh, don't tell Dad!"
He went behind the bush and brought out a great big ...almost as big as the blue eyed girl ... box kite! Red on one side, yellow on the other.
"this is for us!"

They started to run down the street with it. It lifted into the air ... and the kite flew. It was a perfect day ...and the brother was watching the blue eyed girl, not the kite. Everytime she'd look at him to laugh, he was watching her ...

The kite came down when the wind died. But, he said that was ok. We'd get it back up again. He gave her the string ...and told her to run. She took off and the kite lifted a little ... the kite was heavier than she'd expected it to be. It only went up a little ways off the ground. As she was running down the street, one of the boys who liked to pick on her was out there mowing the lawn ... he picked up his lawn mower and held it out ... it chopped up the kite before her brother could stop him.

The little girl was crushed. The kite ...was in pieces. Her heart was broken in as many pieces. How could he do this to her? Her brother walked up to the bully and asked him why he did that. The boy with the mower said "To see her cry"

Her brother calmly looked at the bully, and then ...
PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE ... picked up the blue eyed girl and calmly walked back to the house.

The little girl knew the brother treasured her ... she knew she was worth protecting.

The brother and sister only lived with them for a little while after that ... and when they left, a piece of her heart left with them. But, she's never forgotten that they loved her ... and she's never forgotten they protected her.

Mike ... I love you. Thank you big brother.

How, not why ....

Pearls and Dreams

The trend in blogging this week seems to be "why" postings ... started by Dr. A, then followed by neonursechic ... and a few others followed suit,I've decided to change the pattern a bit ...and say how instead of why.


How do I leave myself open enough for loving someone, and yet, not vunerable enough to be wounded at the same time?

How to I trust someone who's wounded me ... and try to reconcile the relationship?

How do I trust my body from day to day to do what I need it to do?

How do I see myself as others evidently see me?

How do I begin to open up my heart on a personal basis?

How do I trust that the feelings that are painful aren't really going to overwhelm me?

How do I begin to tear down the wall without putting up another one in it's place?

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams



Just for an FYI ...

Heat and myasthenia gravis don't get along.
Heat and Lupus don't get along.
Heat and migraines don't get along.
Heat and mobile homes that are falling apart don't get along.

Pk's body ... needs a break.

This is the last summer I have to live in a mobile home without adequate insulation ... and window units that won't cool down the house. Next year, I'll be in my well insulated home. :D

This year however, it's sucks!
A/C's going full blast and still over 90 inside the house ...and shortness of breath prevails.

Blogging Against Child Abuse

Pearls and Dreams

The Second Edition of Blogging Against Child Abuse is up at Survivors Can Thrive.

Please go check out the stories of those who bravely shared their stories of survival.

BA meeting! Back to the Beach!

Pearls and Dreams

Yea Man!! Surf's up DUDE !!!!!!!

TJ is hostessing the BA meeting in Havaii ...

she even arranged for dinner! Dr. A brought the first round of drinks!!

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

Pearls and Dreams

This is a posting for the blog carnival against child abuse. The names have been changed to psuedonymns to protect the innocent ... The story, is 100% true.

Shortly after my step dad died, my mom transferred me to the private Christian school. (which, to this day remains in my memory as my favorite school memories)I finished the 8th grade year there, and would stay there through half my Junior year, when we moved out of the state to where I am living now.

My freshman year, I joined the choir. As a choir member, we had the opportunity to sing solo's, duets, trio's ensamble's etc for chapel services on Wednesday. Sometimes we asked, sometimes we were asked. The first time I did it, I was asked to do it. I'm not sure I'd have ever done it a second time if not having been asked the first.

I was given a date to get ready, and given a list of the girls who could play piano for me. I went to one of the girls, she was a 7th grader. She and I practiced when we had time, but since she was in the Junior high, and I was in the high school, our schedules didn't often allow for time. She invited me over to her house to practice. We found that we hit it off as friends, as well as musically. So she suggested coming for dinner, too.

The next day, I brought a change of clothes. Our dress code for school was dresses. It was still warm, so we wanted to be comfortable after school. At Pianists house, I changed into shorts and a tank top. It was a good thing too, her house was HOT! She said her dad tends to keep it that way, and she dresses in shorts year round to keep from getting sick. She didn't seen happy about it.

I met her parents. Her mom, was shaking. Pianist told me her mom had a disease that made her do that. Her Dad came in to meet me. It kind of surprised me that her Dad was home in the middle of the day. She told me that he was a pastor of a small Baptist church. His office was in their basement. She told him why I was there, and we went into her room to change.

Her parents were much older than I'd expected and I found out that she and her brother had been adopted. Her mom had been sick for quite a while. I never knew her life was so rough. She always seemed like such a happy go lucky person. Things here at her house seemed so much 'darker' than what she ever let onto them being.

We went out to the piano to practice my song. We practiced, and practiced. After a while, her father walked back up stairs to tell us that it was sounding good. He said that "I surrender All" was one of his favorite songs. I told him it was my favorite. He put his arm around me and said "I knew I liked you!"

His arm went too far around my shoulder. His fingers slipped under my tank top and onto my breast. I moved quickly and assumed it was an accident. Totally embarrassed ... there was no way I could tell Pianist that her father had touched me ... at that time ... I thought his arm was just too long ...

After dinner we sat down to watch TV ... and he came to sit by Pianist and I. He sat down next to me. His hand landed on my leg, and my knee and he squeezed my knee. It was the first time in my life I felt sickened by the touch of a man ...or the touch of a father ..or a friends father scared me.

But he was a pastor! How could this be? He was a husband! He was a father! He was a PASTOR!

I was at Pianists house. I'm not sure the reason I'd gone over there. We'd become such great friends ... it could have been to practice a song, to hang out together or just about any reason. As uncomfortable as I was over at her house. She often begged me to come to her house.

My house was empty ... my sister had gone off to college, and my Daddy had died, my mom was emotionally unavailable, and often physically gone because of her job. As long as Pianists dad wasn't around, Pianist and I had an absolute blast together.

We were in her bedroom talking, laughing and having fun. Her Dad stuck his head in the door and said that if she and I made dinner, I could stay for dinner. No problem!

A little while later, we went into the living room to watch TV before time to fix dinner. Pianist was on one chair, and I was on the couch. We were watching cartoons and laughing at how silly it was for 2 teenaged girls to watch cartoons. Her dad came and sat down next to me. I wanted to move, but didn't know how to do it without making it obvious.

He put his hand on my knee, and squeezed, ... and he started to talk about how difficult it was to be a pastor with a disabled wife. He asked me if I knew the responsibilities that a pastor had, how much that weighed on the shoulders of a man.

I didn't say much, I just kind of shrugged my shoulders.

Then he'd tell me that most pastors have a wife who is there to support them, emotionally, physically and spiritually, but his wife is too sick to do any of that.She is so sick, that often, she's not even able to support herself ..so he has to carry her burden as well as his. He put his arm around me, and touched me on the right breast and said
"Can you imagine, how difficult it is for a pastor to have a disabled wife?"

Pianist was watching the TV, I honestly don't know if she didn't hear what was going on, or if she was purposely trying to ignore it because of her own fears and embarrassments.

When it came time, we went into the kitchen to fix dinner. We were having so much fun. We were laughing, and messing around. Boy were we going to have a mess to clean up after dinner!!

Suddenly, Pianist got quiet. Her dad had walked in. He walked up to her and said "You guys seem to be enjoying yourselves. We should have you two cook more often!" She breathed a bit.

I was at the sink, he came up behind me, and squeezed my shoulders, I could feel that he had an errection and he whispered in my ear. "You don't know how difficult it is for a pastor to have a disabled wife"

He left the kitchen, and Pianist and I quietly started to go back to finishing getting dinner together ... her mom came to the table to eat. She normally was very glad to see me. Tonight, she seemed very annoyed with both Pianist and I.

Monday Morning

It's monday morning and I'm alone :D. Something that is on short supply this summer. The neighborhood kids are not the type the boys like to hang around with, or, are allowed to hang around with ...so, they're inside most of the time.

Don has gone to 3 days of testing with Vocational Rehabilitation ... to see what they recommend for job training if he goes back to college.

I have mixed feelings. I think his dreams are outreaching his health ...and he's not the most determined person to make sure things get done ... procrastination is his middle name. How much of the procrastination is character, and how much is not feeling well all the time, is hard to tell.

So, the boys stayed up late last night, will sleep in late this morning ..and I get peace and quiet ..for a little while anyway.

not a positive post

Pearls and Dreams

I was informed that I haven't really blogged, other than my bits and spits ... in a few days.

I've had quite the week ..and not real sure where my brain is. Hard to blog when your brain is missing.

I saw my therapist last week and we talked about my body image issues ...she wants to really dig into them. So, Tuesday, I saw my psychiatrist, and HE DID dig into them.

I wasn't really happy with the results, regardless of how accurate it was. Their solution for me fixing the issues wasn't exactly on my top 10 list of doing either.

My psychiatrist says that I want to be invisible ... and that my loosing weight and gaining weight with the eating disorder is largely tied into that. As much as I hate being overweight ... as much as it upsets me ... being visible upsets me more. As I loose weight, and get down to about where I am now ... people start to make remarks ...how good I look ..and some not so generalized remarks.
As I get down about 20 to 30 lbs lower, the remarks really start ... and the terms become more sexualized ..and ... I freak out ...and wind up gaining ... climbing right back over 250 lbs to 285 lbs...where I can stay invisible to society.

Usually ..the weight comes off in 80 to 100 lbs in just a few months. 98 lbs in 4 months put me in myasthenic crisis and in ICU ... hospitalized for 17 days ... and no one figured out it was my own starving myself that did it (even though I refused to eat in the hospital).

This time ...the weight has been much slower ... 60 lbs in 21 months. Slow steady ..and even ...and I thought my brain would wrap around it, but it hasn't. In my mind, I'm still the almost 300 lbs person I was 2 years ago. What alarmed me in the conversation with my psychiatrist ... is that maybe the prednisone that I was put on in crisis' after a massive weight loss didn't have as much to do with the weight gain ..as the panic over the comments I'd get ...

I'm certainly not liking them now. My ideal would be ...loose the weight ..and no one notice. Invisible. Like the blog world .. see my heart, not my body.

Let me get healthy and not sexualize it ..please. But, it seems like that's what we live in, even in a Christian environment ..because, christians are sexual beings too,even when they don't want to admit it (or there would be no children).

Top that conversation off (yes, I did end that abruptly) I saw my urologist ...who is talking about my probably needing to go to Intermittent Self-Catheterization. Ok, so he said it was going to be necessary ... his preference would be now. I think he backed off yesterday because I almost fainted (literally) when he mentioned it. I must have gone awfully pale because he said we'd discuss it at the next appointment. I got pretty dizzy and the world was spinning around me ... I wasn't prepared for that ...
I kind of knew he'd be thinking about another surgery, and he is ... I just didn't expect it to be both surgery and THIS.

For the record ... I hate having lupus and myasthenia. I hate having a whacked out body image and eating disorder ... I hate eating (hmmm does that make sense following the previous statement) ... and in short ... I wish I was healthy and a healthy weight ... then ... I don't know.

Sorry for the downer of a post ... maybe now that I've gotten it out of my system I can go back to my regular blogging.

testing

test test test 1 2 3

Will post later

Pearls and Dreams

I had planned on getting up this morning and posting this really neat, profound (In my opinion lol) post. Eye catching and ... well ...

I went to bed last night at a reasonable time ... like 11 pm. I woke up to go work out at 8:30, got up, could not get moving, took my tucas back to bed ...and I woke up at TWO IN THE AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I was tired.

Last night ... I got the phone call that Kylies final test that was looking for cancer in other parts of her body came back clean.

I'd slept better Monday after seeing her than since she left for OKC. I guess, after getting the final news that the cancer was isolated to that tumor ... I SLEPT.

So, after church tonight, I will try to put my profound post.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Hear ye Hear ye ... a special installment of Blogger's Anonymous is conveining at the beach thanks to the special hostessing powers of Neuronursechic

Bring your snacks ..bring your beverages, blankets, beach umbrella's, SUN SCREEN!, and I came up with the topic of a plan to storm blogger's headquarters ... However, the idea for topics is still open.

There is plenty of gingerale for Moof this time.

home

Pearls and Dreams

Kylie girl really DOES look good for a girl who had brain surgery just 12 days ago. She has severely crossed eyes, which makes her kind of lethargic. When they put the glasses on her that help to straighten her eyes ... she definitely cheers up. However, she hates to wear the glasses and only lasts a few minutes.

Teresa is doing remarkably well. She admitted to being tired, worn down. Her soon to be ex husband's family is wearing her out emotionally. They've been a HUGE help with Kylie. Emmense. His grandmother ...one of the most interferring controlling women I've ever met ... has been there and caused so much stress for Teresa it's not funny ... and yet ... she'll spend the night and get up at every slight noise every time the nurses come in ... so Teresa can get a good nights sleep. They make sure that Kylie lacks nothing, and Teresa has what she needs.
Physically, they are making sure that everything possible is done for them. Emotionally, they're tearing her apart.


The trip was a good trip. Ronda and I have not had much time together for about a year and a half. Since her mom got really sick. Her mom died last May (2005).
Then she started teaching for the first time, in August. So, as a first year teacher, it was a rough year.
Her Dad met someone a few months ago, and got married in June. I met her step mom today. She and her Dad are an absolutely DELIGHTFUL couple!!!

I start my work outs again tomorrow. I missed a lot last week from not feeling well. Today from going to see T.

I am tired, but oh so glad I finally got to see my baby girl, both of them ;)


Thunderstorms are rolling through so I should shut down the puter.

misc.

Pearls and Dreams

So, tomorrow ... a friend and I are taking a girls day out and going to OKC. I'm going to meet her dad and step mom for lunch and going to OU pediatric hospital to see Kylie girl!!!

With my own two little eyes!

Our church reached the goal today ... the fundraising was complete of the funds needed for our church to participate in the Habitat build. :D


Italy beat France ...oh yea!

Emailed the director of the camp and thanked him for the opportunity to serve. He emailed back and said he was looking forward to working with me again on more state events ... SAY WHATWHOSAWHATSIT??????

My pastors wife was laughing at me today ... she said she could see the excitement in me ... she said I was so excited I couldn't stand myself. Yep. It's a good place to be.

I made a joke today at Sunday School about mom forgetting it was Sunday and that was why she wasn't at church.
It evidently wasn't a funny joke. :(
Guess I should have gone and called her.

She said she was too tired anyway. She's going to be giving up a day of work. (good, she shouldn't be driving, but is)

I will see you all after I get back from OKC.

More house stuffs

Pearls and Dreams


The screen rolls up into the door so it's not seen. This will be on the mudroom door. Seen below.



Hopefully, this will be our front door.



And our thermal windows.

Praying

Pearls and Dreams

I have spent the night not sleeping. I woke up around 3. Spent a silly half hour on IM with Wanda. Then started to do research for my friend Teresa on her baby. I've promised to find her survivor stories.

I found her one the night I promised. While we were talking I found it.

I've looked. I've poured through about every site I can find since then.

I'm getting discouraged. My heart is breaking and obviously I can't tell her that.
I don't think it helps that Baby Kylie had a bad day yesterday. The nurse, PA, and neurosurgeon all said it was a normal post surgical problem ...and given where it is in the surgical wound, it's ok, the rest of the surgical wound looks great (even by her Mamma's report).
Because the surgical site goes into the bend in the neck, it doesn't heal as fast as the part supported by the skull ... and well ...some spinal fluid leaked out yesterday.

They had to do a spinal tap on poor baby. They needed to do one anyway as part of the cancer studies ..but still.

She had a miserably rough day. Teresa called me twice. It's been a week since Teresa called me twice in one day.

The other thing I've been researching is my own Mamma.

rough night.

Nothing to do today but to rest ... tomorrow is church only and the men in my family going fishing overnight.

Actually, this month ... except for doctor appointments and getting ready for the house and my church stuff on Wednesdays and Sundays... my schedule is remarkably light.

Ok ...so this week I have Pulmo on Monday, Psychiatrist on Tuesday (anyone wanna go for me? I made the mistake of actually writing him a letter last week!!!)the urologist on thursday and endocrinologist on Friday.

hmmmm the breast surgeon never called back to reschedule mammo and appt. Need to do that. Someone remind me next week cause I WILL forget, then when I go back to PCP in 3 months get into trouble for it. She wasn't happy today that I hadn't seen her on Monday. (well, she wasn't there ...not my fault! I scheduled it 6 months ago! THEY cancelled it 2 weeks ago!)

Floor tile possible choice

Pearls and Dreams

this is very similar to what we're thinking on floor tile. It's very white marble looking. Which is neat looking next to the dark marble looking countertop.



I saw the whole countertop at Lowes today ... AWESOME! I have a chip to carry around with me. TOOO COOL.

I'm also looking at welcome mats :D I'm going to see if I can find the ones I like at Lowes and post them. When I do, they'll be in place of this paragraph.

Tagged

Pearls and Dreams
Four jobs I have had in my life:
Waitress
Grocery store clerk
Daycare teacher
Market Research Interviewer


Four movies I would watch over and over:
Muppets Take Manhattan
Chronicals of Narnia : The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe
Beauty and the Beast (Disney)
Gone with the Wind


Four places I have lived:
Orange County
Mariposa
Pueblo
Tulsa

Four TV shows I love/loved to watch:
CSI
M*A*S*H
Numbers
House

Four places I have been on vacation:
Yosemite
Oregon
Minnesota
Colorado


Four websites I look at daily
Crosswalk.com
http://www.kotv.com/
http://www.habitat-tulsa.org/where.shtml (I keep checking here to see if our house is on there with a date to start building yet)
www.kxoj.com

People I'll Tag
hmmmmm if you're interested ... go for it!

Friends Baby

Pearls and Dreams

Kylie girl has a tumor called an AT/RT tumor. It is cancer. It is not good. This is from Saint Jude's ...

Disease Information
Brain Tumor: Atypical Teratoid / Rhabdoid Tumor (ATRT)
Alternative Names: ATRT

Definition

This rare, high-grade tumor occurs most commonly in children younger than 2. It is generally found in the cerebellum, which is the lower, back part of the brain that controls balance. These tumors tend to be aggressive and frequently spread through the central nervous system.


Incidence

This diagnosis has been classified only in the last three to five years; the tumor is a subset of medulloblastomas. They occur in about 1-2 percent of children with brain tumors.


Survival Rates

Even after surgery and chemotherapy treatment, the survival rate for children younger than 3 at diagnosis is less than 10 percent. It appears that older children, when treated with chemotherapy and radiation therapy after surgery, do somewhat better long-term, nearing 70 percent.


Treatment Strategies

Treatment generally involves surgical removal of the tumor followed by chemotherapy. Radiation therapy may be considered depending on the age of the child and whether the tumor has recurred.


Current Research

Researchers are investigating new, more effective methods of treating brain tumors of infants and young children. High doses of radiation can’t be used because it may cause permanent problems with thinking, learning, and growing when given to very young children. It has been standard therapy to administer chemotherapy in an attempt to delay giving radiation therapy until the child is older and thus giving the brain more time to develop. However, chemotherapy alone has not been effective in fighting brain tumors.

New radiation techniques that minimize damage to healthy tissue that surrounds brain tumor tissue are under investigation.

Stem cell transplantation as a part of treatment continues to be under study.

Scientists continue to study chromosomal abnormalities, genes, and proteins that may have a role in the development and metastasis (spread to other parts of the central nervous system) of pediatric brain tumors.

Clinical trials are underway to develop chemotherapy drugs effective against this tumor.

Smile

Pearls and Dreams

At camp, I had more than one adult walk up to me and tell me what a priviledge it was to watch my sons and I interact. They'd been to summer camp with my kids for several years,and they knew I had good kids. Seeing us together, they understood why.

It was a real kick to hear the compliments, both on their character, and on us as a family.

Then today, I'm laying down in my bedroom resting and my 16 year old comes barging into my room and says "I love you mom".
With all the sincerity he has. There was no "I need something" behind it.

Touched, I wanted to know what brought it on, not that he doesn't tell me he loves me ... he does, daily. It's just, in the middle of the afternoon, out of the blue ..and SO lovingly ???

So

He says he was watching TV. Just a stupid show. One that kids have said ... I wish my parents are like that ... etc etc. One of those shows that adults like to remind teenagers that life isn't really like that.

Something happened on the show between the parents and the 16 year old son. My son wasn't impressed, again by the way the parents responded.

So he came into the room to tell me how much he loved me and was glad I'm his mom.

You know ... I'm glad he's my son too.

Freedom

Pearls and Dreams

If Freedom Was Lost
by Peggikaye Eagler

It's the little things
That make this country great,
The ability to walk freely
As we travel from state to state.


The things we take for granted,
Men gave their lives with pride.
We stand attention and pledge,
Taking our liberties in stride.


What would we do
If our freedom was lost?
Would we stand and fight
Knowing our lives are the cost?


When we look at the flag,
And sing our songs loud,
Do we realize the honor
To sing and stand proud?


We argue and fight each other,
Who's rights are trampled today?
Our lives so full of freedoms,
We forget the need to pray.


Is our country the same,
If God we set aside?
Can we have true freedom,
Dependent on American Pride?


To the flag we pledge,
Our commitment and strength.
But it's our faith in God,
That gives the country it's life's length!


© Peggikaye Eagler

Pictures of Home

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Peggikaye -- [noun]: A person with a sixth sense for detecting the presence of goblins 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

You should have grown up during the twenties You are cool, sophisticated and hip – even by today’s standards. You like things before they are considered cool, and you like them long afterwards. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com