Psalms 46:1-5
1 God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. 2 So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea, 3 even if the oceans roar and foam, or the mountains shake at the raging sea. Selah 4 There is a river that brings joy to the city of God, the holy place where God Most High lives. 5 God is in that city, and so it will not be shaken. God will help her at dawn.
Mountains are one of my favorite geographical things on the planet. Given the choice between seeing the desert, the ocean or a mountain, I'm going to pick a mountain. Specifically, Yosemite.
I got one cryptic message from my Dad on the answering machine, then a really cryptic message by email after I sent him my email. The longer he waits to really contact me ... the more I am thinking, his response will not be a positive one (based on his history and personality etc.)Am I prepared for the ultimate response ... a final rejection ... and the answer is a very sad ... yes.
As I sat here and prayed about it this afternoon ... what will my hearts response be if my earthly father does what I am pretty sure he's about to do? Will my heart, my emotions be able to take ...the final blatant ... not subtle rejection ..after years of subtle jabs and and rejections ... and what who will I call father if he does? My step father died more than 25 years ago.
As I was doing some research for teaching the junior high kids next week ... I came across that chapter in Psalms ... if the mountains fall into the sea ... I could bear it ... because my God is with me. God will help me ...regardless of the answer. I'm not sure anything could quite have gotten my attention as much as mountains falling into the sea ... :) ... how re assuring ...even if they do ... God, is still in charge.
It's ok. The reality is, If he does reject me openly and blatantly, it won't be anything new, just something honest for a change. Nothing I didn't already know, just something he'd never been willing to admit to anyone else for 'propriety sake'. So even if he does, it won't be the end of anything. But the beginning of never being rejected again.
And God ... is there ... and the river of Joy taking me straight to HIS arms of love. Right, where I belong.
Pk,
ReplyDeleteI wish you could have picked your father. You & I did not have a "luky draw". Your dad is being so toxic to you. It angers me that he treats you this way.
Pk, we know we have a wonderful Father in heaven. He made your beautiful mountains. He made you. He will continue to have someone fill the "hole" that your biological dad has put there.
you are a Pearl-rember (((PK)))
I love that pic!
ReplyDeleteThat is a beatiful pic!!!! About your father... I will pray for you that you get a postive response, that maybe he will be making some postive changes in his life... Sometimes those we love can be a bit... toxic to us and we can't seem to stop loving them anyway, even if from a distance. Perhaps that is what you need to do. Love him from a distance. Good luck my friend.
ReplyDeleteSad to say, I am ready for the at a distance part. I am ready.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame that he's so locked into the prison of his own mind that he can't see the harm he's causing to others. But ...it is not my doing ... and I can't keep putting myself in harms way just because he is my dad. I'm done with that, and he's had 42 years, this month (I'm still 41, but he left mom the day he found out she was pregnant with me) to make the right choices concerning me.
He knows God ... and it is simply time for him to choose.
Remember ... this applies whichever parent "forgets" you ...
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 49:15,16
On my own journey I've learned (pretty much all the hard way) that some people (read: my parents) are: toxic; will never give me their approval; unwilling to be lead to a better, healthier way. And now I've learned that I AM THE ONE who can end the rejection. "...the beginning of never being rejected again." WOW! Thanks for the revelation! That's kind of a last piece of this particular puzzle for me. I wish you well on this part of your journey. Hope, Faith & Strenth.
ReplyDeleteSorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that I'M GONNA GO FOR IT! I'm gonna do the blog carnival and I'm going to include you. I'll keep you posted with the submission details. I'm going to put a link to you on my sidebar, if that's okay.