Pearls and Dreams
I saw my psychiatrist today.
He said he worries about me. He said there are two types of patients he worries about the most. Those he expects to see in patient at any time ... and those he knows he'll never have to worry about seeing in-patient.
I'm the latter.
He knows I'll never 'give it up' enough to have to go inpatient. In some ways, he'd prefer that.
He mentioned my hair and how becoming it was. I thanked him, and said that I liked it longer, but longer just wasn't good with how thin my hair had gotten. He asked me if I'd always had thin hair. No ... I haven't.
Which ...came down to the question of what brought me to him to begin with ... the eating disorder.Dadgum I hate it when we get on that topic!!!!!
He asked me a question ... I don't even know what he said ... I couldn't answer it ... it didn't make sense. He asked me if I even knew how unhealthy and twisted that thinking was. I couldn't even begin to see how to get to an answer of the question, much less see how to straighten he question out ...
Something about body image and loosing weight ...and it not being tied in with who I am ..and ... I don't know ..what he said didn't make sense at all. AT ALL. It was like he'd strung a bunch of words together that didn't belong together. I don't remember ever being so confused.
I don't understand ...even after 5 years in therapy ..I am not at a healthy weight (you can see that in any picture of me) ... how will getting to a healthy weight ... NOT improve my self esteem? Why is it not tied in? And why do I have to accept my body at 100 lbs overweight before I can say my self esteem is ok?
We got into a discussion of the difference between compliance and healing ...and that most of my work in therapy has gone toward my spiritual growth ... and my relationship with God, and a surface relationship with people ... and allowed me to do some introspection ... it's opened a few doors ...but I'm still holding too many things close to the chest ...and too much of the eating disorder is too close to the door ... while the behaviors might be discarded ... the idea's are still there. Within arms reach at any time. The mindset is still there ... and the way I look at the world is through a distorted veiw ...and one that is based on if I'm good or bad today ... and that isn't acceptable to him ..and that makes him worry.
I'm not sure my post means anything to anyone ..especially me. I may wind up deleting this. Right now I just needed to write out some ramblings ...