Bend but not break

Isaiah 42:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

A blog friend posted a picture today, of rushing waters and lillies that normally stand strong, flattened in the rushing water. I immediately thought of the above verse.

There have been many times when I felt like I was drowning:
drowning in fear
drowning in nightmares
drowning in pain
drowning in confusion
drowning in poverty
drowning in fatigue

The fires burned oh so hot
as the questions for the future encroached on my every waking, and sometimes sleeping moments
my future
my son's future
my husband's future

There were days when I literally
could not lift the fork of food to my mouth
could not chew the scrambled eggs
could not hold my sons 4 oz bottle (of formula, because I was not strong enough to hold him to breast feed him)
could not dress myself
could not get my son into the program he so desperately needed
could not see how things could change

The realities of life seemed to be too big as
the roof didn't just leak, it poured
the doctors gave me one more
diagnosis
medication
prognosis
the teachers gave me one more note saying
he's failing
he's struggling
he's loosing
The bills piled higher
The budget got cut

No way out, no way in .. not way around it ...

and yet ..
The roof did not get fixed ..
we got a house through Habitat

The education did not get given
My son is a good guy, lots of character in
personality and
ethics

The body did not heal
But it did improve
My husbands did not die



The sun came out and a future was revealed

And when it comes right down to it .. I know that every last minute of every fear, depression, discouragement .. I knew that God was with me, holding me, knowing that the sun was coming out and I'd stand again ..

I was bent, and I was covered in water ..but I did not break. My roots learned that there are hard times and they planted just a bit deeper so the next time .. I'd have a better chance of standing strong.

It's funny how hindsight gives us that, but I can see each trial, each struggle, each chaotic situation left me slightly better able to handle the next ...


this is Lupus awareness month ..and I thought about writing about how lupus has effected me and inside I was fighting that .. i did not want to write about how it has effected me and seeing that picture .. I realized

I wanted to write about how lupus did not break me.

Perspective

A few nights ago, I was unable to sleep. That, in and of itself is not uncommon at all. I was trying to figure out in my mind what my next steps in school should be. I started to think of all the classes I've had to repeat ...

those from when I went to school when I was too sick to be there and now i needed to repair my GPA

Speech
Developmental Psych
Humanities 2
Computer concepts

Those that I had to repeat because of my math issues
Beginning algebra
Intermediate algebra
Intermediate algebra

And those that I had to repeat because NSU told me to take classes at TCC and then did not allow the credits to transfer ..but they were still required.
Child Psych
Personality Theories

and all the extra time that it took and realized
if not for all the repeating ..
I'd be graduating in a month.

Wow, I've got 3 semesters to go but I theoretically *could* be graduating this semester if not for the time taken up taking these classes (let's not even start to talk about the money!)

Benjamin walked into my room and saw my face and asked what was wrong and I told him.

He quietly said
"yeah, and if my IEP had been followed and if I hadn't repeated any classes, I'd be graduating in a month too"

ouch

he's not said anything about not being in school, not being able to finish, but obviously it is bothering him.

And really ..what is 3 semesters? it's time, it's money and I'll be a year and a half older than planned when I finally get through, but the truth is, in a year and a half I'll still be 48 no matter if I'm working on my masters or finishing my bachelors ..and those 3 semesters won't prevent me from getting my masters and they very well may have me better prepared for my masters.

But my son? his lost opportunities? those will be much harder to bounce back from.

That is the true frustration.

Video .. Just Showed Up for My own Life

By Sara Groves and Joel Hanson Back to Album
Back to Lyrics Menu
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Self Hatred and refomatting the brain

You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're not liked.
You're immature.
You're a crybaby.
You're lazy.
You're in the way.
You're worthless.
You're boring.
You're a failure.

These are things that come to mind when I look in the mirror or think about myself.

They have permeated my life and the way I interact with the world.

They make me keep people at arms distance ... the fear that if they knew who I really was (which is the list above) then they would not only not like me, but be disgusted by me.

In the last several years I've been on a journey to change the way I live on this planet.
Somewhere on this journey I became aware of the fact that my filter that I see myself through is skewed.

While I'd never pretend that everyone loves me (I can list several who barely tolerate me off the top of my head and a few who outright dislike me) by and large, I have a lot of friends. I have people who tell me they respect me and love me.

I realized at some point that maybe rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to take a look through the filters that others see me.

I worked at that for a long time with some success, but limited.

Recently, I've taken to reformatting my brain ...through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and education.

This has caused me to exam my thoughts and compare them to the facts.
Some of these thoughts, I can't quite get around ... but some ...some I can truly defend to my innerself as being invalid.

You're stupid: You were in California's MGM program (mentally gifted minors ..is that not the most pretentious name for a program EVER?) You graduated with a high GPA. You interact with relative ease with those who society sees as intellectuals. You have gone back to school and maintained a 4.0 in credited classes.

You're not liked: You have too many friends for this to be true.
You're a crybaby: You can't even name the last time you truly cried.
You're lazy.You have worked with church ministries, you have raised 2 challenging children, been married for 23 years while combatting chronic illness, pain, a frustrating educational system. You are going to school full time and doing quite well.
You're worthless. You have friends who value you, who respect you. You have children who respect you and value your presence in their lives.

You're a failure. Your GPA is a 4.0 upon returning to school. You returned with a 2.1 GPA and have, through your 4.0 brought the cumulative GPA to 5.431. You are a member of Phi Theta Kappa, an officer in the regional alumni association. You are on track for being a member of Psi Chi. You have done all this inspite of MG, inspite of lupus, inspite of having family responsibilities.


In looking at those, it becomes glaringly clear ... self hatred has no true role in my life except to hold me down
keep me back
prevent me from living a full
fulfilling
enjoyable
and
delighted life.

re forming the way I think and looking at truths rather than thoughts is going to be necessary to combat the self hatred I've lived with for so long.

If Only In My Dreams

I was asked today if I was able to have my dream job as a psychologist,what would it look like.

In 1972 two mothers, armed only with a dream and a passion and a raised $3000 opened school for their special needs children. The Little Light House was born out of a desperate need to fill a void that was dark and deep.

We had the privilege of being associated with the program while Benjamin was in kindergarten. That year remains in my heart as an oasis in a very dry, arid and frightenly vicious desert. Benjamin had a loving teacher, physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy. For 1 very blessed school year, we got to take our son to school and did not have to cart him back and forth to 3 differnt types of therapy ... PT once a week, speech twice a week and OT three times a week .. from the age of 9 months till 11 years old ... except the year he spent at The Little Light House. We got a desperately needed break.

Not only that, but we, as parents were loved and encouraged.

If I were to dare to dream ... this is what my dream job as a psychologist would look like. The desire, the dream, the drive coming from much the same place as the founders of The Little Light House.

If I had my dream job:

I would have a place that housed
Physical Therapists
Occupational Therapists
Speech Therapists
Pediatric developmental specialist
Pediatric neuro
Pediatric psychiatrist
Pediatric Gastroenterologist
Pediatric orthopedist
Pediatric pulmonologist
Pediatric endocrinologist
Pediatric rheumatologist
Developmental Psychologists
Child Psychologists
Child Life Specialist


I would like there to be a small 'drop off'style day care where parents could drop the siblings of their child that is there to be seen, so they didn't have to bring them along to the appointment as an added distraction, hire a baby sitter or enlist family to help.
They would come in as a family, be serviced as a family and supported as a family.

A place where if an evaluation was done and it was decided that the child needed a certain specialist, they would be there, in that building, an appointment could be made.

You might be saying right now "That sounds like many children's hospitals all over america ... yes, probably so, but with one major difference: The family dynamic would be the focus.

The child's developmental needs taken into consideration, referrals would be primarily in house, saving on time, paperwork, lost communication and stress.

Therapies could be coordinated, treatments would be coordinated and the parents would be fully supported.

The child would get the developmental, physical and behavioral support needed. The focus would be on 'no ceiling' for the child, reach for the stars ...

The parents would be given the kindness, and support that is so often missing in the desert that is special needs. They would be given the tools they needed to feel like a competent parent. They'd be given time to enjoy their child .. to truly enjoy and laugh with their child.

If there was a school battle,we'd be able to help them. They'd be given the chance to form a stronger family unit. They'd be shown and told what they are doing RIGHT instead of the constant "you need to do this"

A fully integrated Clinic, prepared to fully deal with the dynamic that the child's special needs bring.

I am not a ground breaker, the chances are I will wind up at our already established Children's Hospital, I will work within an already functioning system ..

but ... if I had my dream job ... it would be one that helped the child reach for the stars and we'd celebrate with the whole family when the child does lasso their star!

Room full of tables.

I found myself sitting in a room, a little too crowded, but not too bad. Another table or 2 in the room could have made for a little less knee knockage and plate clinking. But it was, in reality, not too bad.
I knew very few people in the room, just those at my little table, at least 4 of them.

I was listening to some of them give speeches, campaign speeches, in hopes of earning enough people's respect and trust to vote them into office for the Regional offices of Phi Theta Kappa OK/Ark region.

My fellow Alpha Mu Iota members and I kept our fingers, toes and anything we could cross, crossed for the youngest, newest member of our group. A young woman, 19, on the cusp of the reality that will be her future. Watching her give her story, knowing the back story, brought a tear to my eye.

I found myself looking around the room and I had this sudden flash back to an earlier time in my life. Another room full of round tables with chairs on them where knees knocked, cups spilled and people made general chaos. The tables were smaller, the chairs were tiny and the purpose was far different. I also was not sitting in the room with those who the chairs and tables were meant for.

I was sitting on my step fathers lap, my mother to my right and my kindergarten teacher across the table. I was 4 years old. The cut off for kindergarten was Dec 1, and my November 21 Birthday put me into the class much younger than the majority of my peers. An immature 4 years old, and rather small ... apparently, I was a handful for the teacher.

She showed my mom my file, my letters all learned and the only one in the class that could not only count to 100, with the next highest being somewhere in the 30's (not revealed who or how high into the 30's) but I was able to recognize the printed form of the letters in any order and put them in order. My letters were clearly, neatly written, in both capital and lower case and my reading skills unmistakable. They were allowing me to go to "The Big Library" that was reserved for the 2nd to 6th graders, when the rest of the class went to "The Little Book room" the library for the kindergarteners and first graders.

I can remember my step father patting either my hand or my chest. My mom nodding "hm hmms" acknowledging that they knew I could do all of these things. They, like my teacher were quite concerned with not my inability, but out right refusal to color within the lines, to write my letters on the line, in order as requested as well as my refusal to stay seated, not hollar out answers during story time and my insistance on chasing Harold around the playground.

I was sitting in this room of round tables and little chairs while grown ups talked about my abilities and my 'refusals' and then I heard it ... "She just won't make it in a classroom. You need to take her out, and put her back into pre school."

Maybe I shouldn't have understood, but I CLEARLY understood what was meant. I, was not going to be allowed to come back to school. I was being sent either home, or to school with 'little kids' back to preschool that I'd already graduated from.

I heard the words
All Day School
Immature
Stubborn
Leave.

I can remember clearly, starting to cry and asked "But aren't I smart enough?"

And I will never forget my mothers statement. In a matter of fact as if I should have understood this all along ... and if I'd wanted to, I could have had a different outcome ...she just looked at me and said
"Smart doesn't matter"

and with that, my world turned upside down. .

I went back to kindergarten the following year after spending the remaining of the world with an embarrassing pumpkin and jack and jill hill to play on. Only 'babies' would want these things!

I continued to read, and to count, and to color and to learn ... and the next year in kindergarten, on the playground the kindergarteners I was now with were about my size instead of much bigger. The bigger kindergarteners were now on the other side of the fence and at recess seemed to gather and point ... "There's Piggie! She flunked kindergarten!"


Somewhere in this time I first heard the term "Minimal Brain Dysfunction" ...so there it was, I had a brain that was broken (and somehow knew that was what dysfunction meant!) and I'd flunked kindergarten. What chance did I have? After all, I'd already been told smart did not matter.

That was it, I flunked kindergarten. It colored my thoughts of my school work clear through my high school graduation. I was not the high functioning student that could compete with my peers (and win) I was the person who flunked kindergarten.


So here I am, some 39 years later, 46 years old sitting in a room with larger chairs full of my peers. College students on the road to making a life for themselves. People of every race, color, socioeconomic status and age. I was by no means the oldest, not by a long shot. There were people who were much older, heavier and much younger and much thinner. There were people who were significantly healthier and some that were obviously in worse shape. I was a person in the middle of the room, watching speeches being given and I was suddenly struck with that memory of the round tables and smart didn't matter ... to realize I was here because Smart Does Matter ... to me .. it matters.

I was suddenly not the minimally brain dysfunctioned girl ... I was not the one that could not, would not, should not ... but the one that not onlyc ould ... should but WAS DOING ...
I was in a room full of Phi Theta Kappa students ... an honor society for those who had maintained scholarship levels that deserved recognition. I was here with people who not only thought I belonged, but wanted me here ...

I was a scholarly student whose stubborness is defined by one of the speakers (not about me directly, but boy did it feel that way!) as persistance ..the persisitance that would get me through to goal when the passion fades or seems far away. The persistance that once held me back was pushing me forward.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that I'd worked very hard to get here ... and smart, for me, does count for something. It matters ...but more than that I began to understand

I matter.

Apologies to Rogers and Hammerstein

There's a bright whitened haze on the meadow

There's a bright whitened haze on the meadow
The snow is as high as an elephants eye

And it looks like it's climbing clear up to the sky

Oh what a cold frigid morning

Oh what a cold frigid day

I've got a terrible feeling

More snow is coming my way

All the cattle are frozen like statues

All the cattle are frozen like statues

They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by

But a little brown mav'rick has a glare in her eye

Oh what a cold frigid mornin'

Oh what a cold frigid day,

I've got a terrible feeling,
More snow is coming my way!

All the white on the earth is makin' me sick

All the white on the earth is makin' me sick

The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree

And an ol' weepin' willow is hiding from me!

Oh what a cold frigid mornin'

Oh what a cold frigid day

I've got a terrible feeling

More snow is comin' my way

Not quite the tribute that is normally on this date.

I have sat here with an open screen for over 20 minutes, unsure of what to post.

It's annual post I make every year. Either on today, Feb 5, or on January 31st.

January 31st was my step father's birthday.

Febuary 5th is the annivesary of his death.

In 1979 he turned 50 years old on January 31st. On February 5th, he took his own life. I was 14 years old.

In 32 years he, by his own choice, has missed:
My high school graduation
My 1st wedding
My divorce
My 2nd wedding
My first pregnancy
My only stillbirth of a daughter ... my only daughter
My second pregancy
My first sons birth
My third pregnacy
My youngest sons birth
My diagnosis of chronic and at times, debilitating illness.
My sons diagnosis'
My oldests graduation from high school
My mother's decline .. emotionally, physically, socially, financially
My return to college
My induction into PTK


Those are the highlights and some of the lowlights ...

Everyone one of them, I needed him there.

When people say they've lost someone they love, they often mention that 'not a day goes by without thinking of them' and that is certainly true for me.

I have identified myself as a survivor of suicide for so long ... and today, as I've tried to write this ... I've realized that I am no longer identifying myself that way ...

I AM A SURVIVOR of LIFE.

You should be here, there is no doubt. Though, in recent months and years, I've started to realize that you may have died by other causes by now. Still, you would have only been 82. Your mother was alive and kicking, as were many of your aunts and uncles. Your cousin that is your age is still alive ... as are others. There is not real reason to think you might not still be here.

In 32 years, I've rarely allowed myself to be angry at you ... you were hurt and broken and desperate. I understand ... but ...

My tributes to you are normally filled with all the love I've felt for you ... how much I miss you. I guess, this year, it's filled with regret, some anger, a lot of frustration and ...more than I'd ever thought of ..

release.

I loved you. I LOVE you.
You taught me almost everything good about life. When people hear of my history they have asked "why are YOU ok?"
honestly it's because you taught me to pray, to look for good, to not give up. Ironically, that was the lesson you spent the most time on ...encouraging me to not give up .. not quit ...

but you did not live by your own lessons.

But you also taught me the worst pain and the worst trauma that I could have imagined.

I keep trying to end this on a good note. I guess, this year .. it's not going to happen. I will always miss you. I will always be grateful for your love. I will always be so glad of the lessons you taught me. I will always MISS you

and that

was your choice.

BILLY JOEL - Pressure

15 inches of snow on Tuesday, and more today has cancelled school for the week. I should have met w/my classes 16 times and have met 10 times ... 6 classes cancelled for snow days! I recieved updated Syllabi today and have found myself humming Billy Joel's song "Pressure" ... Decided to post it ..and listened ...completely forgot "Psych 1 Psych 2" were part of the song!! "Psych major goes nuts while listening to Billy Joel sing the words "Psych 1 Psych 2 news at 11" .....

"Painting Pictures of Egypt" by Sara Groves

I was wondering, today, why I'm working so hard ... will I ever get to where I'm going ...either in recovering from the eating disorder (ok, so that was what triggered the thoughts) or even with school ... been a bit discouraged of late ... got in the car and went to the grocery store ...punched in my new CD that Don gave me for Christmas and this song played ... I was painting pictures of Egypt ... I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay ..it feels like pinching either way .. and the places that I long for the most are the places where I've been, they are calling out to me like a long lost friend.

It's not about losing faith,
It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect
But I'd found a way to live
And it wasn't milk or honey
But then neither is this.

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
And I'm caught between the PROMISE
and the things I know.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt,
I've been leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard,
And I wanna go back!
But the places that used to fit me,
Cannot Hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned!

If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind it all
this time and sand?
And if it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
is that the reason behind it all
this time and sand?

Everything Matters ... Nothing Matters

I heard a song today by Sara Groves that I'd not heard before. It's called "Rewrite this tragedy" and I realized .. it all matters ..and yet none of it matters.

Everything that has happened has made me who I am today ...good and bad.
I have made bad decisions, I have made good decisions.
People have hurt me, I have hurt people. I've been betrayed, I've betrayed. I've been abandoned and I've abandoned .. it all plays into how i make today's choices.

Yet in the grand scheme of things ...nothing NOTHING is so bad that it can't be undone.
Nothing is so good, so right so perfect that it can't be unstrung.

My heart can be broken today, and leaping tomorrow and visa versa.

Today, I can have a roof with a hole the size of a bucket ..and tomorrow I can be walking through the door of a house that love built.

Today, I can have the perfect job and tomorrow I can be laid off.
Today I can be in pain, unable to walk and tomorrow i can be running a marathon and tomorrow not walking again.

Everything changes ... every choice we make, every decision ... every move changes the next move and yet, in the end, it all seems to work out.
There is nothing that I can do, short of taking my own life, that is permanent.
The most consistant thing in life is change.

I can make choices that make life harder ... I could rob a bank and make life really hard.
There are choices I can make that make life harder in the short term but improve life ..like working to get a habitat house .. or a degree.

I can refuse to take algebra at 14 and struggle through it at 46 ..
I can refuse to take a supervisory job because I don't know that at 24 I'm going to be wiped out by my own immune system and have my disability payment significantly lower than it would have been had I taken the management payment.

I can quit ... or I can finish .. and in the long run it all seems to work out ...struggles come, struggles go .. but the consistancy of life is that it changes ...

Lyrics to Rewrite This Tragedy :
Tonight I forgot a
line in the play that you and I Have been rehearsing since the day we met

It made
me put down my script, made me look around a bit

And wonder how we came to play
these roles
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One line at a time

Hold on,

I'm
changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know how this
ends
Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill

What of this
makes us who we are

All that we love the most, all that we cannot let go

How much
of change can we survive?
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One line at a
time

Hold on,

I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know
how this ends

We know there's a better story
There's a better story

Of true
love of true grace

There's the hope of glory

And our first chance to be truly
brave

It's the place we're goingWhen we can't stay where we are
I'm here to
re-write this tragedy

One line at a time

Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know how this ends

We know there's a better
story

Tonight I forgot a line in the play that you and I Have been rehearsing
since the day we met

It made me put down my script, made me look around a bit

And
wonder how we came to play these roles
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One
line at a time

Hold on,

I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause
we know how this ends
Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to
kill

What of this makes us who we are

All that we love the most, all that we
cannot let go

How much of change can we survive?
I'm here to re-write this
tragedy

One line at a time

Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be
fine

Cause we know how this endsWe know there's a better story
There's a
better story

Of true love of true grace

There's the hope of glory

And our first
chance to be truly brave

It's the place we're going

When we can't stay where we
are
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One line at a timeHold on,

I'm changing
all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know how this ends

We know there's
a better story

This and That

You can't ground children who have moved out of the house ... this is not a good thing.

My schedule for this spring is as follows:
Tuesday Morning 9-11:40 .. Physiological Psychology (or Psychophysiology same thing)
Tuesday Afternoon 4:30 - 7:10 Personality Theories (if this course looks familiar it's because I complained relentlessly about it spring of 2009 ..which apparently was an introduction level class ... and I could have gotten away with just this one. So sad)
Wednesday Afternoon 4:30 -7:10 Human Adjustment (follow up class to Intro to Counseling)
Thursday Afternoon 1:00-3:40 Infant/Child Psychology (what? what's that you say ... you remember me complaining last spring about child psych [in all fairness, I complained about instructor, not so much the class] ahhh good memory ... apparently a lot of what I took at TCC was considered 'introductory' and I get to retake ... sigh)

I think it will be nice just having class 3 days a week. Tuesdays have the promise of being tiring ...

Doogie Howser, M.D. - "A Mother-Son Relationship"

It occurred to me that Doogie Howswer MD was on 20 years ago and maybe not everyone knew what I meant.
so in the spirit of trying to blog, even if it's short and sweet, I thought I'd post this ... ironic that I was thinking about a mother's love just this morning.

January 1, 2011

1-1-11

I can remember watching science fiction TV show as a young teenager Space 1999 ... what worlds we'd thought we'd conquer before the end of the century.

As fast as technology was exploding, we, in our human imaginations, thought it would expand much faster ... and we, of coarse, having the power to creat such technology would also be able to control such technology.

I sit here, amazed at how life has changed in my 46 years on this earth.

I remember black and white TV ... I remember getting a color TV set and having the neighbors come to see it.
I remember the first tape recorder we had ... and what a treat it was ... we taped all our records onto tape so that we could listen to them and not worry about scratching them. (Ironic that CD's have brought us back to the days of scratching ... my very favorite song on my very favorite CD from my very favorite singer ... is scratched and unplayable :( .. a tad ironic)

I remember telling my sister, after she'd thrown a pillow at me and I missed something 'important' on Gilligan's Island (the nerve huh?) that we should have a TV that rewinds, fast forwards, allows us to see what we missed and not have to watch commercials. She told me I was crazy. I was 10. In less than 10 years my father had a VCR ...

I remember calling home one day after school to see if I could go to Jennifer's house ..and no one was home, yet the phone was answered! My step mother's voice said "You have reached the Mills Residence, please leave your name and number and we will get back to you as soon as we possibly can"
I freaked
I handed the phone to Jennifer
Jennifer said "this is Peggi. I'm going to Jennifer's. I'll be home before 5"
I got home and promptly grounded for 'lying' because I was too scared to talk to this machine. As most will tell you, I still hate to leave messages.

Not too long after that, I came home to my dad and step mother playing with this funny box on the counter. It took about a min to bring water to a fast/hard boil.

For the next 3 weeks, every meal we ate was microwaved. I still will not cook meat (rarely even defrost it) in the microwave.

My mom didn't get one until after my step father died in 1979. She used his life insurance to buy it and I always related the 2 in my mind. I refused to get a microwave ... till I had a baby and realized that life just could be easier without it having any weird meaning attached to it. Now, my microwaves are a daily part of my life ..but they have a bad habit of crashing on either christmas or Thanksgiving.
we call it the Eagler Curse ... either someone gets sick on a holiday or the microwave goes out. The microwave spent the week before Christmas acting funny, so we thought it was going to be the microwave ... I got the flu instead. I hate the flu, but honestly, it's cheaper.

I was a telephone teen. My step dad used to tell me that a potato was growing in there and we'd never know it because the phone was attached. (don't ask, I never did figure the logic out in that one). Shortly after he died a sales man showed up on our doorstep and changed my teenage years.
No more getting grounded for being on the phone longer than I was allowed. We had 30 min on, 30 min off rule (plus had to share with sister) so that parents could get through at some point. They didn't care if we stayed on all the evening if we left 30 min segments so they could get through. I had a bad habit of 2 hours on, 10 min off ... got me grounded frequently!
The salesman offered something called "call waiting" .. no more not getting through and I was able to keep the phone on my ear from the time I got home from school till I went to bed ....except for the times my sister punched me to force me off so she could make a call.

My sophomore year in high school a new elective was offered. There were those in the community that thought the school was nuts for providing it. Computer programming. TI 994A's were the computers ... and it seems that no one was really interested out side of the school. Computers ... in the house? Sure, why would anyone even NEED it?

10 years later we were discussing the oncoming world changing World Wide Web ... the internet highway that would change the world ...and how it has!

Computer speed, wifi, lap tops, phone computers ... streaming movies to our TV sets ... Wii ... video games ... and most importantly (said tongue in cheek , I assure you)
Blogging and Twitter!

through blogging I've poured out my heart
shared my poetry
told funny stories
told heartbreaking stories
Ranted
Raved
Relented
Wrote a novel w/NaNoWriMo
Shared my struggles with bad habits
shared my conquests
Shared my journey
Shared my progress
Shared my failures
Shared my HEART

It's a new year ..what technology will we see that we only saw in Sci Fi movies? what technology will be abused (texting was great till people started dying in car crashes and teens being victimized by sexting ..and not even knowing their being vicitmized ..what will psychologists be saying in 30 years over that current trend and it's fall out?)

I keep trying to decide if I'm going to blog more consistently or just stop. Stopping, is'nt likely, it's too handy of an outlet for the writer in me. I do think that I figured out that I think every post Must be profound ... and I'm not sure that is is a must. Maybe I just should work on writing a bit each day ... Doogie Howser style if necessary

January 1, 2011 ... I thought about what all I have to say today. I learned that sometimes saying a little is better than saying a lot or nothing at all.

(after thought here ...Was Doogie Howswer the world first blogger?).