Bend but not break

Isaiah 42:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

A blog friend posted a picture today, of rushing waters and lillies that normally stand strong, flattened in the rushing water. I immediately thought of the above verse.

There have been many times when I felt like I was drowning:
drowning in fear
drowning in nightmares
drowning in pain
drowning in confusion
drowning in poverty
drowning in fatigue

The fires burned oh so hot
as the questions for the future encroached on my every waking, and sometimes sleeping moments
my future
my son's future
my husband's future

There were days when I literally
could not lift the fork of food to my mouth
could not chew the scrambled eggs
could not hold my sons 4 oz bottle (of formula, because I was not strong enough to hold him to breast feed him)
could not dress myself
could not get my son into the program he so desperately needed
could not see how things could change

The realities of life seemed to be too big as
the roof didn't just leak, it poured
the doctors gave me one more
diagnosis
medication
prognosis
the teachers gave me one more note saying
he's failing
he's struggling
he's loosing
The bills piled higher
The budget got cut

No way out, no way in .. not way around it ...

and yet ..
The roof did not get fixed ..
we got a house through Habitat

The education did not get given
My son is a good guy, lots of character in
personality and
ethics

The body did not heal
But it did improve
My husbands did not die



The sun came out and a future was revealed

And when it comes right down to it .. I know that every last minute of every fear, depression, discouragement .. I knew that God was with me, holding me, knowing that the sun was coming out and I'd stand again ..

I was bent, and I was covered in water ..but I did not break. My roots learned that there are hard times and they planted just a bit deeper so the next time .. I'd have a better chance of standing strong.

It's funny how hindsight gives us that, but I can see each trial, each struggle, each chaotic situation left me slightly better able to handle the next ...


this is Lupus awareness month ..and I thought about writing about how lupus has effected me and inside I was fighting that .. i did not want to write about how it has effected me and seeing that picture .. I realized

I wanted to write about how lupus did not break me.