Perspective

A few nights ago, I was unable to sleep. That, in and of itself is not uncommon at all. I was trying to figure out in my mind what my next steps in school should be. I started to think of all the classes I've had to repeat ...

those from when I went to school when I was too sick to be there and now i needed to repair my GPA

Speech
Developmental Psych
Humanities 2
Computer concepts

Those that I had to repeat because of my math issues
Beginning algebra
Intermediate algebra
Intermediate algebra

And those that I had to repeat because NSU told me to take classes at TCC and then did not allow the credits to transfer ..but they were still required.
Child Psych
Personality Theories

and all the extra time that it took and realized
if not for all the repeating ..
I'd be graduating in a month.

Wow, I've got 3 semesters to go but I theoretically *could* be graduating this semester if not for the time taken up taking these classes (let's not even start to talk about the money!)

Benjamin walked into my room and saw my face and asked what was wrong and I told him.

He quietly said
"yeah, and if my IEP had been followed and if I hadn't repeated any classes, I'd be graduating in a month too"

ouch

he's not said anything about not being in school, not being able to finish, but obviously it is bothering him.

And really ..what is 3 semesters? it's time, it's money and I'll be a year and a half older than planned when I finally get through, but the truth is, in a year and a half I'll still be 48 no matter if I'm working on my masters or finishing my bachelors ..and those 3 semesters won't prevent me from getting my masters and they very well may have me better prepared for my masters.

But my son? his lost opportunities? those will be much harder to bounce back from.

That is the true frustration.

It is what it is

Recently, I was asked what it was like to be back in school at my age ... a few thoughts come to mind:

struggling to gain knowlege/skills in an area that I've always struggled with while watching students younger than my youngest is not fun and plays havok with my emotions.

Struggling to understand what comes so easily for others ... plays havok with my emotions

Remembering being given a list of facts to study for a test and reading it a couple of times and acing the test while I have to crack the books now, and actually STUDY to learn and understand because memorization is not going to happen like it did when I was a kid ... plays havok with my emotions.

Having a hot flash in the middle of algebra ...plays havok with my desire to not make a fool of myself. (this happened on Monday!)

Understanding concepts that seem foreign (and unfathomable) to my peers because they cannot imagine ever making the choices I've made or choices those we're studying have made ... boosts my self esteem.

Understanding that this will allow me to change my reality once I finally get those coveted letters behind my name is priceless and keeps me focused.

Knowing this is not an exercise in futility as some of my classmates fear ... is priceless.

Knowing it's improving who I am as
a woman
a wife
a mother
a citizen of Oklahoma
a citizen of the United States
a patient
a human
is unimaginable.

Being unsure of how this will all play out in the grand scheme of things .. a bit disconcerting.
Being unsure, at times, that physically this will work .. a bit disconcerting.

Being sure that I have no choice but to proceed because the what if's would haunt me forever ...comforting.