Not quite the tribute that is normally on this date.

I have sat here with an open screen for over 20 minutes, unsure of what to post.

It's annual post I make every year. Either on today, Feb 5, or on January 31st.

January 31st was my step father's birthday.

Febuary 5th is the annivesary of his death.

In 1979 he turned 50 years old on January 31st. On February 5th, he took his own life. I was 14 years old.

In 32 years he, by his own choice, has missed:
My high school graduation
My 1st wedding
My divorce
My 2nd wedding
My first pregnancy
My only stillbirth of a daughter ... my only daughter
My second pregancy
My first sons birth
My third pregnacy
My youngest sons birth
My diagnosis of chronic and at times, debilitating illness.
My sons diagnosis'
My oldests graduation from high school
My mother's decline .. emotionally, physically, socially, financially
My return to college
My induction into PTK


Those are the highlights and some of the lowlights ...

Everyone one of them, I needed him there.

When people say they've lost someone they love, they often mention that 'not a day goes by without thinking of them' and that is certainly true for me.

I have identified myself as a survivor of suicide for so long ... and today, as I've tried to write this ... I've realized that I am no longer identifying myself that way ...

I AM A SURVIVOR of LIFE.

You should be here, there is no doubt. Though, in recent months and years, I've started to realize that you may have died by other causes by now. Still, you would have only been 82. Your mother was alive and kicking, as were many of your aunts and uncles. Your cousin that is your age is still alive ... as are others. There is not real reason to think you might not still be here.

In 32 years, I've rarely allowed myself to be angry at you ... you were hurt and broken and desperate. I understand ... but ...

My tributes to you are normally filled with all the love I've felt for you ... how much I miss you. I guess, this year, it's filled with regret, some anger, a lot of frustration and ...more than I'd ever thought of ..

release.

I loved you. I LOVE you.
You taught me almost everything good about life. When people hear of my history they have asked "why are YOU ok?"
honestly it's because you taught me to pray, to look for good, to not give up. Ironically, that was the lesson you spent the most time on ...encouraging me to not give up .. not quit ...

but you did not live by your own lessons.

But you also taught me the worst pain and the worst trauma that I could have imagined.

I keep trying to end this on a good note. I guess, this year .. it's not going to happen. I will always miss you. I will always be grateful for your love. I will always be so glad of the lessons you taught me. I will always MISS you

and that

was your choice.