Self Hatred and refomatting the brain

You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're not liked.
You're immature.
You're a crybaby.
You're lazy.
You're in the way.
You're worthless.
You're boring.
You're a failure.

These are things that come to mind when I look in the mirror or think about myself.

They have permeated my life and the way I interact with the world.

They make me keep people at arms distance ... the fear that if they knew who I really was (which is the list above) then they would not only not like me, but be disgusted by me.

In the last several years I've been on a journey to change the way I live on this planet.
Somewhere on this journey I became aware of the fact that my filter that I see myself through is skewed.

While I'd never pretend that everyone loves me (I can list several who barely tolerate me off the top of my head and a few who outright dislike me) by and large, I have a lot of friends. I have people who tell me they respect me and love me.

I realized at some point that maybe rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to take a look through the filters that others see me.

I worked at that for a long time with some success, but limited.

Recently, I've taken to reformatting my brain ...through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and education.

This has caused me to exam my thoughts and compare them to the facts.
Some of these thoughts, I can't quite get around ... but some ...some I can truly defend to my innerself as being invalid.

You're stupid: You were in California's MGM program (mentally gifted minors ..is that not the most pretentious name for a program EVER?) You graduated with a high GPA. You interact with relative ease with those who society sees as intellectuals. You have gone back to school and maintained a 4.0 in credited classes.

You're not liked: You have too many friends for this to be true.
You're a crybaby: You can't even name the last time you truly cried.
You're lazy.You have worked with church ministries, you have raised 2 challenging children, been married for 23 years while combatting chronic illness, pain, a frustrating educational system. You are going to school full time and doing quite well.
You're worthless. You have friends who value you, who respect you. You have children who respect you and value your presence in their lives.

You're a failure. Your GPA is a 4.0 upon returning to school. You returned with a 2.1 GPA and have, through your 4.0 brought the cumulative GPA to 5.431. You are a member of Phi Theta Kappa, an officer in the regional alumni association. You are on track for being a member of Psi Chi. You have done all this inspite of MG, inspite of lupus, inspite of having family responsibilities.


In looking at those, it becomes glaringly clear ... self hatred has no true role in my life except to hold me down
keep me back
prevent me from living a full
fulfilling
enjoyable
and
delighted life.

re forming the way I think and looking at truths rather than thoughts is going to be necessary to combat the self hatred I've lived with for so long.

Everything Matters ... Nothing Matters

I heard a song today by Sara Groves that I'd not heard before. It's called "Rewrite this tragedy" and I realized .. it all matters ..and yet none of it matters.

Everything that has happened has made me who I am today ...good and bad.
I have made bad decisions, I have made good decisions.
People have hurt me, I have hurt people. I've been betrayed, I've betrayed. I've been abandoned and I've abandoned .. it all plays into how i make today's choices.

Yet in the grand scheme of things ...nothing NOTHING is so bad that it can't be undone.
Nothing is so good, so right so perfect that it can't be unstrung.

My heart can be broken today, and leaping tomorrow and visa versa.

Today, I can have a roof with a hole the size of a bucket ..and tomorrow I can be walking through the door of a house that love built.

Today, I can have the perfect job and tomorrow I can be laid off.
Today I can be in pain, unable to walk and tomorrow i can be running a marathon and tomorrow not walking again.

Everything changes ... every choice we make, every decision ... every move changes the next move and yet, in the end, it all seems to work out.
There is nothing that I can do, short of taking my own life, that is permanent.
The most consistant thing in life is change.

I can make choices that make life harder ... I could rob a bank and make life really hard.
There are choices I can make that make life harder in the short term but improve life ..like working to get a habitat house .. or a degree.

I can refuse to take algebra at 14 and struggle through it at 46 ..
I can refuse to take a supervisory job because I don't know that at 24 I'm going to be wiped out by my own immune system and have my disability payment significantly lower than it would have been had I taken the management payment.

I can quit ... or I can finish .. and in the long run it all seems to work out ...struggles come, struggles go .. but the consistancy of life is that it changes ...

Lyrics to Rewrite This Tragedy :
Tonight I forgot a
line in the play that you and I Have been rehearsing since the day we met

It made
me put down my script, made me look around a bit

And wonder how we came to play
these roles
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One line at a time

Hold on,

I'm
changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know how this
ends
Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to kill

What of this
makes us who we are

All that we love the most, all that we cannot let go

How much
of change can we survive?
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One line at a
time

Hold on,

I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know
how this ends

We know there's a better story
There's a better story

Of true
love of true grace

There's the hope of glory

And our first chance to be truly
brave

It's the place we're goingWhen we can't stay where we are
I'm here to
re-write this tragedy

One line at a time

Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know how this ends

We know there's a better
story

Tonight I forgot a line in the play that you and I Have been rehearsing
since the day we met

It made me put down my script, made me look around a bit

And
wonder how we came to play these roles
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One
line at a time

Hold on,

I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause
we know how this ends
Sometimes it's hard to tell what to keep and what to
kill

What of this makes us who we are

All that we love the most, all that we
cannot let go

How much of change can we survive?
I'm here to re-write this
tragedy

One line at a time

Hold on, I'm changing all the scenery

It's okay we'll be
fine

Cause we know how this endsWe know there's a better story
There's a
better story

Of true love of true grace

There's the hope of glory

And our first
chance to be truly brave

It's the place we're going

When we can't stay where we
are
I'm here to re-write this tragedy

One line at a timeHold on,

I'm changing
all the scenery

It's okay we'll be fine

Cause we know how this ends

We know there's
a better story

What a Difference a Day Makes

My life has entered a new phase.
My parenting has entered a new phase.
My marriage has entered a new phase.

My oldest son has left the nest. For those that have been reading my blog for years, you may be wondering how he got old enough to do such a thing? Apparently the same way I got to be the age I am .. one day at a time.

I'm, to be honest, ready. Maybe the key is that he brought his best friend to live with us 8 months ago, and then 4 months ago, Benjamin's best friend came to live with us. Maybe the key to being ready for your child to leave is them bringing home extra's .. to LIVE.

I was ready to have my bathroom back.
Ready to know how many I was cooking for. (who will be here? None of us, we've got ABC to do. Cook for 3, and they come home and say "where's dinner?" Or : who will be here? All of us, we're all off. Cook for 6 and 5 minutes before dinner was done ... they go trampsing out the door "oh, we decided to go get Buffalo Wings" ARGH!! that, was truly mind boggling, and aggrivating ..not to mention felt quite disrespectful at times)
I was ready to have my driveway back ...yes, my driveway. It is a 3 car driveway .. but all in length .. it's 1 car wide, 3 cars long. So if it rained, someone would have to move car so that I could get out, or I'd have to move car so they could get out.
Ready to know who was in my house at any given time.
I was ready to not have to worry about the washing machine and who had stuff in there when I needed it.
Ready to have some sense of privacy back.
Most importantly
I was ready for my youngest son to not have the intellectual competition around all the time. My sons friends are every bit as smart as Samuel ... my husband and I are not exactly lacking in the area of intelligence and that, is a lot, of intelligence in my son's face at all times. I was watching him feel like he had something to prove ... he has to face that at school, is it really fair to have to face it at home? He was becoming increasingly frustrated and his need to PROVE was increasing as the days went on. He is ready to not have to be anything but who he is, at least at home where it's always been safe to be so.

I have the normal concerns "will he be ok?"
Will he call ? Will he forget that he has a family? Will he behave? Will he act in a way that is not in keeping with the way he was raised? Will he get evicted for one reason or another? Will he pay his bills? Will he wind up right back in our house?

We've told him that we're proud of him (we are) and that we're excited for him ... but he needs to come back and call ..do not turn me into a "stalker mom" from a "soccer mom" who has to stalk her child to get a glimpse of what was once a huge part of her day ... and will always be a huge part of her heart.

We're proud of the choices he's making. They are smart ...but more importantly, they are wise.

We're proud of the friends he's chosen. We love them. The 2 that lived here, long before they lived here, had become known as son #3 and son # 4.

We're proud of who he is as a person but we're ready (more me than Don) for them to LAUNCH!

A week ago this morning, I didn't know they were moving out. Today, they are waking up in their own apartment.

And we have gone from 4 to 5 to 6 ... and then there were 3. *smile*