You're not liked.
You're a crybaby.
You're in the way.
You're a failure.
These are things that come to mind when I look in the mirror or think about myself.
They have permeated my life and the way I interact with the world.
They make me keep people at arms distance ... the fear that if they knew who I really was (which is the list above) then they would not only not like me, but be disgusted by me.
In the last several years I've been on a journey to change the way I live on this planet.
Somewhere on this journey I became aware of the fact that my filter that I see myself through is skewed.
While I'd never pretend that everyone loves me (I can list several who barely tolerate me off the top of my head and a few who outright dislike me) by and large, I have a lot of friends. I have people who tell me they respect me and love me.
I realized at some point that maybe rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to take a look through the filters that others see me.
I worked at that for a long time with some success, but limited.
Recently, I've taken to reformatting my brain ...through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and education.
This has caused me to exam my thoughts and compare them to the facts.
Some of these thoughts, I can't quite get around ... but some ...some I can truly defend to my innerself as being invalid.
You're stupid: You were in California's MGM program (mentally gifted minors ..is that not the most pretentious name for a program EVER?) You graduated with a high GPA. You interact with relative ease with those who society sees as intellectuals. You have gone back to school and maintained a 4.0 in credited classes.
You're not liked: You have too many friends for this to be true.
You're a crybaby: You can't even name the last time you truly cried.
You're lazy.You have worked with church ministries, you have raised 2 challenging children, been married for 23 years while combatting chronic illness, pain, a frustrating educational system. You are going to school full time and doing quite well.
You're worthless. You have friends who value you, who respect you. You have children who respect you and value your presence in their lives.
You're a failure. Your GPA is a 4.0 upon returning to school. You returned with a 2.1 GPA and have, through your 4.0 brought the cumulative GPA to 5.431. You are a member of Phi Theta Kappa, an officer in the regional alumni association. You are on track for being a member of Psi Chi. You have done all this inspite of MG, inspite of lupus, inspite of having family responsibilities.
In looking at those, it becomes glaringly clear ... self hatred has no true role in my life except to hold me down
keep me back
prevent me from living a full
re forming the way I think and looking at truths rather than thoughts is going to be necessary to combat the self hatred I've lived with for so long.