I have sat here with an open screen for over 20 minutes, unsure of what to post.
It's annual post I make every year. Either on today, Feb 5, or on January 31st.
January 31st was my step father's birthday.
Febuary 5th is the annivesary of his death.
In 1979 he turned 50 years old on January 31st. On February 5th, he took his own life. I was 14 years old.
In 32 years he, by his own choice, has missed:
My high school graduation
My 1st wedding
My divorce
My 2nd wedding
My first pregnancy
My only stillbirth of a daughter ... my only daughter
My second pregancy
My first sons birth
My third pregnacy
My youngest sons birth
My diagnosis of chronic and at times, debilitating illness.
My sons diagnosis'
My oldests graduation from high school
My mother's decline .. emotionally, physically, socially, financially
My return to college
My induction into PTK
Those are the highlights and some of the lowlights ...
Everyone one of them, I needed him there.
When people say they've lost someone they love, they often mention that 'not a day goes by without thinking of them' and that is certainly true for me.
I have identified myself as a survivor of suicide for so long ... and today, as I've tried to write this ... I've realized that I am no longer identifying myself that way ...
I AM A SURVIVOR of LIFE.
You should be here, there is no doubt. Though, in recent months and years, I've started to realize that you may have died by other causes by now. Still, you would have only been 82. Your mother was alive and kicking, as were many of your aunts and uncles. Your cousin that is your age is still alive ... as are others. There is not real reason to think you might not still be here.
In 32 years, I've rarely allowed myself to be angry at you ... you were hurt and broken and desperate. I understand ... but ...
My tributes to you are normally filled with all the love I've felt for you ... how much I miss you. I guess, this year, it's filled with regret, some anger, a lot of frustration and ...more than I'd ever thought of ..
release.
I loved you. I LOVE you.
You taught me almost everything good about life. When people hear of my history they have asked "why are YOU ok?"
honestly it's because you taught me to pray, to look for good, to not give up. Ironically, that was the lesson you spent the most time on ...encouraging me to not give up .. not quit ...
but you did not live by your own lessons.
But you also taught me the worst pain and the worst trauma that I could have imagined.
I keep trying to end this on a good note. I guess, this year .. it's not going to happen. I will always miss you. I will always be grateful for your love. I will always be so glad of the lessons you taught me. I will always MISS you
and that
was your choice.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Monday, July 28, 2008
Procrastination
I don't know what to say today. I need to say it. This may be long, it may be short, it may be more scattered than any post i've written ... it may be more coherant than anything written. I need to get it out.
My heart is broken, shattered and torn. A friend, who I loved more than I realized ... passed away yesterday. She was a beautiful, tiny red headed woman. Strong, and quietly fierce. If you didn't know, you'd never know she was suffering ...daily. She humbly wrote it off.
She was married, with 2 sons, both in the same grades as my sons. We started to the same church at about the same time. Our youngest sons were in kindergarten. Tiny little things ... still waddling when they walked. The way kids who are not still toddlers but not quite yet 'children' do.
A few years later, our boys would go to church camp for the first time together ...and our older boys grew up together in children's church ..and graduated together into youth group .. and now, they've both graduated from high school. Her son has gone into the miliatary, and mine to college. Both fine young men.
Our husbands have both gone through some remarkable changes over the years, scarcely the men that they were when they first shook hands. Her husband, probably doesn't know that he's partly responsible for my husband's return to church life after a 15 year absence. His graceful, loving, and caring acceptance of who Don was, where he was ..without an expectations of anything OF him ... helped Don to see church as a place that he could go and be a part of again. This, ultimately led to the healing of our marriage. Her husband has no idea of the role he played in that.
Over the years, we were in a small group together, her husband and i spent 7 years in the worship team together (me 8 years, him 7 of those 8). We both served as adult volunteers in the youth group ... and they hosted many many parties for the youth group!
Many times, she would be in the hospital, I'd go to see her ... or me, and they'd either call or come to see me. Between the 2 of us, we kept our pastor hopping, that's for sure!
But like Don, we knew, that what she had, could take her life ... we knew that her father had died young ... and she might not make it. That gave her husband and I a special bond.
Her husband, like me, is a poet. Another thing we bonded on. Her husband and I got published together, the same week in a local publications with our poetry. It was so fun for the 4 of us to read that together at a church Thanksgiving Dinner.
With each surgery, we knew that it was a risk, and we held our breath and prayed. The silent panic we kept down with prayer and supplications ... not this time God! PLEASE NOT THIS TIME!
The same prayer i pray every time my husband gets sick.
Last year, when Don was sick, they weren't around and i never thought to tell them. So when they started to come back to church and found him using a walker with oxygen, they were a just a bit alarmed. It was hard to explain to these people who cared so much for us, what had happened and we hadn't let them know.
While we'd been building our house, she'd been in the hospital in Dallas for most of that time ..she didn't get to see it. I kept meaning to invite her over ...
but something about her was special .. . ..
I didn't want her to just SEE the house, I wanted her to see the completed house ... with all the paintings and decorations that everyone had given us, up on the walls ...and you see ... almost 2 years later, I still have white, blank walls.
Not a nail has been put in the wall. I've had my reasons. Health, Don's situation, need help ... this or that ... but I've put off inviting my friend over till it was 'done' then I'd have them over for dinner.
But yesterday, she passed away. Without ever seeing my house. She'd have rather seen it with the blank walls ...she even told me so once. She told me she couldn't wait to see it and I told her 'let me get the paintings hung, let me get it perfect'.
I knew she didn't care, but I wanted it perfect for her.
If only I'd not procrastinated ...
she's gone and the white walls are still here.
My heart is broken, shattered and torn. A friend, who I loved more than I realized ... passed away yesterday. She was a beautiful, tiny red headed woman. Strong, and quietly fierce. If you didn't know, you'd never know she was suffering ...daily. She humbly wrote it off.
She was married, with 2 sons, both in the same grades as my sons. We started to the same church at about the same time. Our youngest sons were in kindergarten. Tiny little things ... still waddling when they walked. The way kids who are not still toddlers but not quite yet 'children' do.
A few years later, our boys would go to church camp for the first time together ...and our older boys grew up together in children's church ..and graduated together into youth group .. and now, they've both graduated from high school. Her son has gone into the miliatary, and mine to college. Both fine young men.
Our husbands have both gone through some remarkable changes over the years, scarcely the men that they were when they first shook hands. Her husband, probably doesn't know that he's partly responsible for my husband's return to church life after a 15 year absence. His graceful, loving, and caring acceptance of who Don was, where he was ..without an expectations of anything OF him ... helped Don to see church as a place that he could go and be a part of again. This, ultimately led to the healing of our marriage. Her husband has no idea of the role he played in that.
Over the years, we were in a small group together, her husband and i spent 7 years in the worship team together (me 8 years, him 7 of those 8). We both served as adult volunteers in the youth group ... and they hosted many many parties for the youth group!
Many times, she would be in the hospital, I'd go to see her ... or me, and they'd either call or come to see me. Between the 2 of us, we kept our pastor hopping, that's for sure!
But like Don, we knew, that what she had, could take her life ... we knew that her father had died young ... and she might not make it. That gave her husband and I a special bond.
Her husband, like me, is a poet. Another thing we bonded on. Her husband and I got published together, the same week in a local publications with our poetry. It was so fun for the 4 of us to read that together at a church Thanksgiving Dinner.
With each surgery, we knew that it was a risk, and we held our breath and prayed. The silent panic we kept down with prayer and supplications ... not this time God! PLEASE NOT THIS TIME!
The same prayer i pray every time my husband gets sick.
Last year, when Don was sick, they weren't around and i never thought to tell them. So when they started to come back to church and found him using a walker with oxygen, they were a just a bit alarmed. It was hard to explain to these people who cared so much for us, what had happened and we hadn't let them know.
While we'd been building our house, she'd been in the hospital in Dallas for most of that time ..she didn't get to see it. I kept meaning to invite her over ...
but something about her was special .. . ..
I didn't want her to just SEE the house, I wanted her to see the completed house ... with all the paintings and decorations that everyone had given us, up on the walls ...and you see ... almost 2 years later, I still have white, blank walls.
Not a nail has been put in the wall. I've had my reasons. Health, Don's situation, need help ... this or that ... but I've put off inviting my friend over till it was 'done' then I'd have them over for dinner.
But yesterday, she passed away. Without ever seeing my house. She'd have rather seen it with the blank walls ...she even told me so once. She told me she couldn't wait to see it and I told her 'let me get the paintings hung, let me get it perfect'.
I knew she didn't care, but I wanted it perfect for her.
If only I'd not procrastinated ...
she's gone and the white walls are still here.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
We knew, we have always known
Post polio syndrome, scoliosis.
I've blogged somewhere in this blog.
Sometime, the post polio my husband has, and the scoliosis that resulted would be my husbands undoing.
The muscles would decide they are too tired. The twisting would cause the internal organs to just have to work too hard.
They told him when he was younger, he would never make it to 35. (they didn't even know what post polio was back then, yet, they knew it was coming, he was so severe!)
He passed 35 ... 37 ...40 ...and 42 ..and he just seemed to get healthier ..not worse.
As time went by and they addressed his different conditions ... it all seemed to work.
He hit 50 ...and he decided he did not like who he was as a person. He had few friends, and he was a hard man to live with. Bitterness was eating him alive. His health issues, was the least of his problems. He examined who he was ...and decided that what he knew about God, was really the key. He decided to put God first ... and instantly, his life changed. WE changed as a couple. WE changed as a family.
For the last year and a half ...we've enjoyed life more than I ever could have imagined. Life, has been good to us. God, has been good to us. We got our house, we have 2 great kids.
In my mind, I watched this amazing man walk and just knew that the doctor's had been wrong ... he was going to outlive us all. His determination to function and life a full life was amazing.
He was going to go back to school in the fall, finish his bachelor's degree. (Only 2 semesters, he was just 3 hours when I got sick, things change and technology changes in 15 years ...and well, now it's 2 semesters) He rarely walks with even the cane that he has.
Plans for a business, a ministry ... and to watch our sons grow up. Our youngest to be a chef ..and the oldest to be a doctor. His plans to help our youngest in his business adventure of owning a resteraunt ...and his plans of making a doctor son care for his medical needs.
And one day a cough won't stop ...and the next thing we know ...we're in the hospital. They can't find out what's wrong ...and he's degenerating. It's not pneumonia as first thought. I was upset ...we've been here before! I'm rather insistant! Go back 2 years ago! Look at his records! This has happened before ...only it hasn't.
The infection clears up ... the blood work is clear. The spudem culture shows body fluid ...and no reversable cause is found.
The worst possible diagnosis is given. End stage post polio.
The pulmonologist says that he's seen this happen ...some times you see it coming a mile away, and sometimes they are mowing the lawn one day, and the next day their body simply says "I'm done"
From all he knows about Don's functioning and who Don is.... Don is the latter. Yea, We've always known that would be the case.
I just thought .. he'd make it to 75 ... I really had talked myself into believing it would never happen. He'd outlive me.
So now, we have choices to make that no one should ever have to make.
We don't know where things stand.
Will he recover enough to make it for a while longer, and then in a few months this happen again? Will he make it enough to just have the bipap at night? Will he recover enough to come home with the bipap and be able to live full time on the bipap ...and is he willing to live on the bipap ...or would he rather go see his Savior?
He's fully aware today, of what's going on and what decisions we're facing. We have talked about this day for 20 years. We are standing as a couple, as one. We are standing together ... in prayer ..supported by our church family.
We don't know what tomorrow holds .. we don't know what decisions will be made. We don't know what the next hour holds. We simply don't know. We just have always known.
I've blogged somewhere in this blog.
Sometime, the post polio my husband has, and the scoliosis that resulted would be my husbands undoing.
The muscles would decide they are too tired. The twisting would cause the internal organs to just have to work too hard.
They told him when he was younger, he would never make it to 35. (they didn't even know what post polio was back then, yet, they knew it was coming, he was so severe!)
He passed 35 ... 37 ...40 ...and 42 ..and he just seemed to get healthier ..not worse.
As time went by and they addressed his different conditions ... it all seemed to work.
He hit 50 ...and he decided he did not like who he was as a person. He had few friends, and he was a hard man to live with. Bitterness was eating him alive. His health issues, was the least of his problems. He examined who he was ...and decided that what he knew about God, was really the key. He decided to put God first ... and instantly, his life changed. WE changed as a couple. WE changed as a family.
For the last year and a half ...we've enjoyed life more than I ever could have imagined. Life, has been good to us. God, has been good to us. We got our house, we have 2 great kids.
In my mind, I watched this amazing man walk and just knew that the doctor's had been wrong ... he was going to outlive us all. His determination to function and life a full life was amazing.
He was going to go back to school in the fall, finish his bachelor's degree. (Only 2 semesters, he was just 3 hours when I got sick, things change and technology changes in 15 years ...and well, now it's 2 semesters) He rarely walks with even the cane that he has.
Plans for a business, a ministry ... and to watch our sons grow up. Our youngest to be a chef ..and the oldest to be a doctor. His plans to help our youngest in his business adventure of owning a resteraunt ...and his plans of making a doctor son care for his medical needs.
And one day a cough won't stop ...and the next thing we know ...we're in the hospital. They can't find out what's wrong ...and he's degenerating. It's not pneumonia as first thought. I was upset ...we've been here before! I'm rather insistant! Go back 2 years ago! Look at his records! This has happened before ...only it hasn't.
The infection clears up ... the blood work is clear. The spudem culture shows body fluid ...and no reversable cause is found.
The worst possible diagnosis is given. End stage post polio.
The pulmonologist says that he's seen this happen ...some times you see it coming a mile away, and sometimes they are mowing the lawn one day, and the next day their body simply says "I'm done"
From all he knows about Don's functioning and who Don is.... Don is the latter. Yea, We've always known that would be the case.
I just thought .. he'd make it to 75 ... I really had talked myself into believing it would never happen. He'd outlive me.
So now, we have choices to make that no one should ever have to make.
We don't know where things stand.
Will he recover enough to make it for a while longer, and then in a few months this happen again? Will he make it enough to just have the bipap at night? Will he recover enough to come home with the bipap and be able to live full time on the bipap ...and is he willing to live on the bipap ...or would he rather go see his Savior?
He's fully aware today, of what's going on and what decisions we're facing. We have talked about this day for 20 years. We are standing as a couple, as one. We are standing together ... in prayer ..supported by our church family.
We don't know what tomorrow holds .. we don't know what decisions will be made. We don't know what the next hour holds. We simply don't know. We just have always known.
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