I think I have figured out how I cope with things. I've been calling it compartmentalizing, but it's more than that. I have people who will come up to me a week or so after I've been sick, or after the boys have been sick and ask if everything is ok and I just give them this blank look, I've gone on, I have no clue what they''re talking about. Those things happen so much, once it's over, it's over ... I just say that I've compartmentalized it and gone on, and that's the best explination I've had ... but today, I came up with a better one ...
I'm a train and I have all these train cars that I have that I'm tugging behind me. Some, like lupus, MG, kids with TS are permanent, other's like flu and Bj's meningitis are temporary.
When I get sick with the flu, the flu car gets coupled to my train, making my train just a little harder to pull, I need more steamto get to where I'm going. But when the flu is over, I stop,and uncouple that car and leave it behind, going on with my journey.
The eating disorder car, that's probably a permanent car, but it's cargo has been unloaded, it will always be attatched, but the heavy burdened load it was weighted with has been removed, so now, it's just an empty car that I have to be careful doesn't get loaded up again.
I have to be careful that I don't keep going on my journey with train cars that don't need to be still attatched. If one is done, it's important to remember to stop and uncouple it, dragging cars that are no longer existing, is going to make my journey harder. (If I'm constantly thinking about how many cars of colds I've had this year, and not uncoupling them, I need to know how many I've had so my doctor's can take good care of me, but not dwell on them so to speak)
I also need to make sure that I have all the appropriate car trains attatched. So that my train is properly balanced. I have my church car, my family car and my friends car.
When the journey gets hard, is it the tracks are going through mountainous regions ? or is that I have more cars attatched and are they permanent and therefore I need to figure out how to add more coal to the engine? Or is it that a temporary flu car has been added that will shortly be uncoupled and out of my way?
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monday, November 29, 2004
What???????????
| You Are the Loyalist |
You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal. People find you easy to love and care for. You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises. You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world. |
What number are you?
Sunday, November 28, 2004
More Poetry
A Life Refined
by Peggikaye Eagler
Into the fire,
My heart is placed.
A trial of patience,
Imperfections erased.
My brain says it's pain,
My heart feels it's healing.
The process not pleasant,
For sin it's revealing.
Struggles through life,
Some not my doing.
Others caused myself,
In sin I sat stewing.
Surrender's involved,
And learning to trust.
Exposing my heart,
Being real is a must.
Let the fire burn hot,
Refining the past.
Examine my heart,
Leaving faith that will last.
Like fine precious metals,
Shining silver and gold.
The fire makes pure,
A heart that was cold.
Refiner's fire burns,
My soul feels it's purpose.
My testimony for God,
Reflecting love Glorious!
© Peggikaye Eagler
by Peggikaye Eagler
Into the fire,
My heart is placed.
A trial of patience,
Imperfections erased.
My brain says it's pain,
My heart feels it's healing.
The process not pleasant,
For sin it's revealing.
Struggles through life,
Some not my doing.
Others caused myself,
In sin I sat stewing.
Surrender's involved,
And learning to trust.
Exposing my heart,
Being real is a must.
Let the fire burn hot,
Refining the past.
Examine my heart,
Leaving faith that will last.
Like fine precious metals,
Shining silver and gold.
The fire makes pure,
A heart that was cold.
Refiner's fire burns,
My soul feels it's purpose.
My testimony for God,
Reflecting love Glorious!
© Peggikaye Eagler
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Fear, no, maybe FEAR would be more like it
I had quite forgotten just how badly MG can feel, and how helpless it feels when it gets bad. As badly as I feel every day, it can, and has in the past, felt so much worse!
My doctor wanted to start me on Lipitor. She worried for 3 years about my cholesterol, not wanting to use an anti cholesterol medication on a myasthenic. She talked with my nutrionist. We worked on it. She talked with my neuro, who told her he's been worrying about it for the 12 years he's known me.
Well, turning 40 did it for them and they decided that it won't do any good to save my life from MG to loose my life to a heart attack at 45. We had to at least TRY the statin drugs.
I was placed, last thursday(week ago) on a very low ...VERY low dose of lipitor. 5 mgs, lowest dose is 10 mg, so I had to break the pill.
She warned me that it was possible that permanent muscle damage could occur so it was very important that I be on the watch for increased muscle weakness or pain. That was the Tuesday before my birthday when she did labs HOPING that my recent weight loss brought about a drop (not a raise, which is what happened) in cholesterol. She made me repeat back to her the risks. She started me on a new drug in September for migraines, she asked me what I thought, called my neuro and he asked her what I thought, she asked me what the risks for MG were, because she couldn't find them. That was SO casual, she was SO serious about this drug!
So I go to pick up the bag on thursday the 18th and in it, is a note reminding me of the warning signs ...
Monday the 22nd, the nurse calls to make sure everything is ok
Wednesday the 23, the neuro's nurse calls to make sure everything is OK
I assure them, it is.
Friday I get up to go early bird shopping with Don ..well, rather than retype it, this is the email I sent to my doctor
I felt like I was walking through jello. Someone was asking me questions about sizing for jeans she was buying for her nephew and asked me if I had asthma because I was short of breath. Then walking out of the mens department, the change from carpet to tile threw off my balance and I fell and had to have help getting up. I haven't slept good the last 3 nights (Tuesday 11/23 Wednesday 11/24 and Thursday 11/25) and that could be the factor causing this, but it is a bit more severe than what I would expect for insomnia. Stress of holiday and the bouncing around of temperatures? Those are also things that tend to flare my MG up ... so I am not at all sure it's the Lipitor. My pain has been worse since Monday, but then, it gets worse everytime we have dramatic weather changes up or down and this has been a roller coaster week for weather ...so again ... ????? Anyway, it's a bit scary for me getting this weak, so I'm stopping until I hear from you otherwise. There are so many things right now that it could be beside the lipitor,and if it's not the Lipitor, I don't want to not use it. It is a bit scary to take something that can cause so many problems for a myasthenic, and yet, letting cholesterol go with my family history is a bit scary too. I emailed my dad and asked him how old he was when he had his heart attack and was cholesterol a factor and he said that he was 49 and that yes, his cholesterol was 260. Then there is my mom.
I have already gone to my MG mail lists/boards as was suggested by the docs before I took it, and the stories of the permanent, irreversible damage these drugs have done, is rather frightening. Needlss to say, I am a bit afraid right now.
My doctor wanted to start me on Lipitor. She worried for 3 years about my cholesterol, not wanting to use an anti cholesterol medication on a myasthenic. She talked with my nutrionist. We worked on it. She talked with my neuro, who told her he's been worrying about it for the 12 years he's known me.
Well, turning 40 did it for them and they decided that it won't do any good to save my life from MG to loose my life to a heart attack at 45. We had to at least TRY the statin drugs.
I was placed, last thursday(week ago) on a very low ...VERY low dose of lipitor. 5 mgs, lowest dose is 10 mg, so I had to break the pill.
She warned me that it was possible that permanent muscle damage could occur so it was very important that I be on the watch for increased muscle weakness or pain. That was the Tuesday before my birthday when she did labs HOPING that my recent weight loss brought about a drop (not a raise, which is what happened) in cholesterol. She made me repeat back to her the risks. She started me on a new drug in September for migraines, she asked me what I thought, called my neuro and he asked her what I thought, she asked me what the risks for MG were, because she couldn't find them. That was SO casual, she was SO serious about this drug!
So I go to pick up the bag on thursday the 18th and in it, is a note reminding me of the warning signs ...
Monday the 22nd, the nurse calls to make sure everything is ok
Wednesday the 23, the neuro's nurse calls to make sure everything is OK
I assure them, it is.
Friday I get up to go early bird shopping with Don ..well, rather than retype it, this is the email I sent to my doctor
I felt like I was walking through jello. Someone was asking me questions about sizing for jeans she was buying for her nephew and asked me if I had asthma because I was short of breath. Then walking out of the mens department, the change from carpet to tile threw off my balance and I fell and had to have help getting up. I haven't slept good the last 3 nights (Tuesday 11/23 Wednesday 11/24 and Thursday 11/25) and that could be the factor causing this, but it is a bit more severe than what I would expect for insomnia. Stress of holiday and the bouncing around of temperatures? Those are also things that tend to flare my MG up ... so I am not at all sure it's the Lipitor. My pain has been worse since Monday, but then, it gets worse everytime we have dramatic weather changes up or down and this has been a roller coaster week for weather ...so again ... ????? Anyway, it's a bit scary for me getting this weak, so I'm stopping until I hear from you otherwise. There are so many things right now that it could be beside the lipitor,and if it's not the Lipitor, I don't want to not use it. It is a bit scary to take something that can cause so many problems for a myasthenic, and yet, letting cholesterol go with my family history is a bit scary too. I emailed my dad and asked him how old he was when he had his heart attack and was cholesterol a factor and he said that he was 49 and that yes, his cholesterol was 260. Then there is my mom.
I have already gone to my MG mail lists/boards as was suggested by the docs before I took it, and the stories of the permanent, irreversible damage these drugs have done, is rather frightening. Needlss to say, I am a bit afraid right now.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
and while I was posting about mickey mouse ...
Someone sent me this ... When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that her child was missing.Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her littleboy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star."At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit.""Keep playing." Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child,and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played. Only the classic, " Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."Perhaps that's the way it is with God. What we can accomplish onour own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music. However, with the hand of the Master, our life's work can truly be beautiful. The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't quit." "Keep playing." May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.Remember, God doesn't seem to call the equipped, rather, He equips the 'called.'Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone by passing this little message along.May God bless you and be with you always!
stepped on toes, but still
Ok, my toes have been rather sharply stomped on. D told me repeatidly to stop, as did C. but I still can't help but think ...
WHAT KIND OF MICKEY MOUSE
PUBLISHING HOUSE WANTS MY BOOKS??????????????????????????
??????????????????
WHAT KIND OF MICKEY MOUSE
PUBLISHING HOUSE WANTS MY BOOKS??????????????????????????
??????????????????
God's humor ... My own writing stepped on my toes ...
But Then Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler
I don't think I can go there,
Lord it's too many miles,
I'd get too tired and worn,
But then: Jesus was put on trial.
It's just too hard to understand.
Can I ever break this code?
IT's beyond my abilities,
But then: Jesus walked down the road.
To learn and grow is not easy,
Sometimes my heart feels like it's ripped.
It's just too painful to change,
But then: Jesus bore being whipped.
What you're asking is too much,
I am sure the task I will fail,
I'm not sure I can take the pain,
But then: Jesus hands and feet bore the nail.
The task You have given me,
Seems beyond my skills to grasp,
The stretching beyond my limits hurts,
But then: Jesus a last breath, for me gasped.
The road seems long and hard,
But nothing compared to Jesus gift,
So work and struggle for God I'll do,
So then: My praises to Jesus I'll lift!
© Peggikaye Eagler
by Peggikaye Eagler
I don't think I can go there,
Lord it's too many miles,
I'd get too tired and worn,
But then: Jesus was put on trial.
It's just too hard to understand.
Can I ever break this code?
IT's beyond my abilities,
But then: Jesus walked down the road.
To learn and grow is not easy,
Sometimes my heart feels like it's ripped.
It's just too painful to change,
But then: Jesus bore being whipped.
What you're asking is too much,
I am sure the task I will fail,
I'm not sure I can take the pain,
But then: Jesus hands and feet bore the nail.
The task You have given me,
Seems beyond my skills to grasp,
The stretching beyond my limits hurts,
But then: Jesus a last breath, for me gasped.
The road seems long and hard,
But nothing compared to Jesus gift,
So work and struggle for God I'll do,
So then: My praises to Jesus I'll lift!
© Peggikaye Eagler
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
WOW
Well, on a whim, I sent my children's story to the publisher that wants to see my devotional book ... they responded almost immediately and said they want to look at the children's story too!
Hmmmm, and me? where does my brain go?
Wonder if they will publish anyone who comes down the pike .....
Hmmmm, and me? where does my brain go?
Wonder if they will publish anyone who comes down the pike .....
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving
To one and all!
I hope your day is filled with family,friends and wonderful things to be thankful for!
God bless each one of you and may next year you have even more to be thankful for than you do today!
From
The Eagler's
Don
Peggikaye
Samuel
Benjamin
Sugarfoot (cat)
&
Donut (cat)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
The Thirteenth M&M
The Thirteenth M&M
by Peggikaye Eagler
Passing out the cup, she said "take some, but don't eat,"
Everyone, not quite trusting, took a few, but wanted the treat.
When everyone had gone around, she let us know the plan,
Each person had to count them out, each woman and each man.
"It's four days till Thanksgiving, and thanks we are to give,
However many M&M's, you give thanks for the life you live."
Around the room each person said, the things that touched their heart,
From being allowed to serve Uncle Sam, to God's giving a new start.
Each person gave thanks, some brought a laugh and some a tear,
For life, and love and friendships, that we had not realized we held so dear.
When everyone was done, and time was almost up, we realized that there was
more,
We could have gone on for a while, even though we needed to go out the door.
Each and all had counted the M&M's to measure our thanks and our praise,
From three to twelve was the count, but we all realized the thirteenth was still to be raised!
Sunday, November 21, 2004
FORTY??????????????????????????????????
You have to realize that I was a child in the days of "don't trust anyone over 30" ... I wasn't a teen when that was the montra ... but I was a child who heard it ... so 40? What is 40 but OLD. And I have heard, from so many people, who don't quite realize that I have been sick for much of my adult life "oh, 40, that's fun, that's when the body starts to fall apart" ... they have no idea how much fear that strikes to my core.
When I was 36, I had a full body CT scan and xray series done, and the radiologist reading it said in the report to my doctor that he couldn't read the xray's till he had the correct information as someone had transposed the age of the patient to 36 and this was obviously of a 63 year old woman, and he needed the correct birth year as 1964 did not appear to be accurate. It was not ammusing then. It is scary now! Especially with the added diagnosis of lupus!
40! FORTY ... no denying that I am in mid life. No longer 30 something. Even 39 is still 30 something ... somehow closer to 30 than 40. FORTY ... I keep trying to tell myself that at 40 Moses left Egypt for the desert, and 80 returned, 40 isn't that bad ... 40 isn't bad ... 40 isn't bad.
But I'm 40 ...and sick, and disabled ... and poor ... and without a whole lot of accomplishments for my life. Today doesn't feel good ... I feel like I have wasted my life in an eating disorder that kept me from progressing into adulthood ... and here I am 40 without the clout of a 40 year old.
That's what's wrong with 40 for me ... I guess I feel I don't deserve 40?
When I was 36, I had a full body CT scan and xray series done, and the radiologist reading it said in the report to my doctor that he couldn't read the xray's till he had the correct information as someone had transposed the age of the patient to 36 and this was obviously of a 63 year old woman, and he needed the correct birth year as 1964 did not appear to be accurate. It was not ammusing then. It is scary now! Especially with the added diagnosis of lupus!
40! FORTY ... no denying that I am in mid life. No longer 30 something. Even 39 is still 30 something ... somehow closer to 30 than 40. FORTY ... I keep trying to tell myself that at 40 Moses left Egypt for the desert, and 80 returned, 40 isn't that bad ... 40 isn't bad ... 40 isn't bad.
But I'm 40 ...and sick, and disabled ... and poor ... and without a whole lot of accomplishments for my life. Today doesn't feel good ... I feel like I have wasted my life in an eating disorder that kept me from progressing into adulthood ... and here I am 40 without the clout of a 40 year old.
That's what's wrong with 40 for me ... I guess I feel I don't deserve 40?
Saturday, November 20, 2004
This dream disturbed me ...
Pearls and Dreams
First some real life facts ... my husband and I are both on disability, I have myasthenia gravis & lupus and my husband had polio. We have 2 sons 15 and 12. We are working towards getting a house through Habitat for Humanity, with me doing most of the work. I am also trying to start a ministry with writing and have a publisher interested in looking at a devotional book that I have written.
So here's the dream:
The dream started with us on a vacation of sorts, we were in a camp site type place and packing up for the day. I sent the boys off to the showers to get cleaned up, where they proceeded to get into a fight loud enough, that I had to go break it up. I just took my own cleaning up stuff with me.
While there, I ran into a man that had been an old friend of mine, much older, African American ... very James Earl Jonesish in personality,looks and mannerisms (in real life, i have never known this man). He was getting cleaned up and seemed surprised at seeing us in so out of context of a place, almost ashamed. I introduced him to my husband after we had all had our showers and we fed him breakfast for which he seemed TOO grateful.
My husband and I talked about it on the way home .. I was telling him how this man had one time been very rich and wondering what happened because if I hadn't known better, he seemed homeless! My husband said that he didn't know better and homeless is what he was. His judgement of my friend upset me ..but then, I understood why he felt that way.
We got back home, and I was in a hurry to get to our Habitat class. If we missed it, we could be out of the program, but my husband seemed to be blocking me at every turn. First I couldn't find the folder I had to have, he had it ..he was SITTING ON IT. I finally got it, and then he started to argue about having to feed the boys and taking care of the boys himself. I kept saying I didn't have time to argue, I had to get to Sears and to get to class or we were going to lose our house. I finally just grabbed the keys and left him yelling at me... I hit something with our car on the way out of the driveway, and was so frustrated I just didn't care. I stopped at Sears as planned, and the sales girl spilled a whole thing of stinky perfume on me, so she took me and some fresh clothes (offered by Sears at no cost to me) to their showers to get cleaned up. I'm in the middle of showering, and this man comes in and he's shocked. I'm standing there, buck naked, but not embarrased for some reason.
He is suddenly in tears as he said "I should have known, I should have known when I saw your family in a public shower that you were homeless like me. I'm so sorry, forgive me for not being more understanding!"
I tried to tell him that no, we had just been camping, and this was a mistake too ... it was because I'd been doused, that I had to use this public shower, but he wasn't listening.
He insisted right there on writing me a check, that he would mail to my mom to make sure that it was 'above board and seen as honest' so that my ministry could get started off on a good foot. He said it was going to be the largest check he'd ever written.
By then, I'd covered myself with a robe, and was looking up my mother's address for him.
I went to class for Habitat, only to find out that my husband had taken the calculator out of the folder and I couldn't do the work assigned in class (it's financial class). So very frustrated and realizing I was going to have to go home and explain to him why I was in clothes he'd never seen before ... I was just ready to loose it by the time class was over.
The next day, I was at my mom's house when she got the envelope from the gentleman in the showers ... we opened it up and the check was just a slip of paper ... he'd written out the ministry name that we'd told him that we'd wanted, he'd written the amount of $55 and date, signed it, but there was no bank, no name at the top, it was like a child's homemade check. My mother and I were heartbroken for this man as we realized that he not only was homeless, but was not fully in charge of his mental capabilities anymore.
My husband was very irritated ... he was furious that this man got our hopes up only to write us a phoney check ... I woke up at that point. Irritated.
First some real life facts ... my husband and I are both on disability, I have myasthenia gravis & lupus and my husband had polio. We have 2 sons 15 and 12. We are working towards getting a house through Habitat for Humanity, with me doing most of the work. I am also trying to start a ministry with writing and have a publisher interested in looking at a devotional book that I have written.
So here's the dream:
The dream started with us on a vacation of sorts, we were in a camp site type place and packing up for the day. I sent the boys off to the showers to get cleaned up, where they proceeded to get into a fight loud enough, that I had to go break it up. I just took my own cleaning up stuff with me.
While there, I ran into a man that had been an old friend of mine, much older, African American ... very James Earl Jonesish in personality,looks and mannerisms (in real life, i have never known this man). He was getting cleaned up and seemed surprised at seeing us in so out of context of a place, almost ashamed. I introduced him to my husband after we had all had our showers and we fed him breakfast for which he seemed TOO grateful.
My husband and I talked about it on the way home .. I was telling him how this man had one time been very rich and wondering what happened because if I hadn't known better, he seemed homeless! My husband said that he didn't know better and homeless is what he was. His judgement of my friend upset me ..but then, I understood why he felt that way.
We got back home, and I was in a hurry to get to our Habitat class. If we missed it, we could be out of the program, but my husband seemed to be blocking me at every turn. First I couldn't find the folder I had to have, he had it ..he was SITTING ON IT. I finally got it, and then he started to argue about having to feed the boys and taking care of the boys himself. I kept saying I didn't have time to argue, I had to get to Sears and to get to class or we were going to lose our house. I finally just grabbed the keys and left him yelling at me... I hit something with our car on the way out of the driveway, and was so frustrated I just didn't care. I stopped at Sears as planned, and the sales girl spilled a whole thing of stinky perfume on me, so she took me and some fresh clothes (offered by Sears at no cost to me) to their showers to get cleaned up. I'm in the middle of showering, and this man comes in and he's shocked. I'm standing there, buck naked, but not embarrased for some reason.
He is suddenly in tears as he said "I should have known, I should have known when I saw your family in a public shower that you were homeless like me. I'm so sorry, forgive me for not being more understanding!"
I tried to tell him that no, we had just been camping, and this was a mistake too ... it was because I'd been doused, that I had to use this public shower, but he wasn't listening.
He insisted right there on writing me a check, that he would mail to my mom to make sure that it was 'above board and seen as honest' so that my ministry could get started off on a good foot. He said it was going to be the largest check he'd ever written.
By then, I'd covered myself with a robe, and was looking up my mother's address for him.
I went to class for Habitat, only to find out that my husband had taken the calculator out of the folder and I couldn't do the work assigned in class (it's financial class). So very frustrated and realizing I was going to have to go home and explain to him why I was in clothes he'd never seen before ... I was just ready to loose it by the time class was over.
The next day, I was at my mom's house when she got the envelope from the gentleman in the showers ... we opened it up and the check was just a slip of paper ... he'd written out the ministry name that we'd told him that we'd wanted, he'd written the amount of $55 and date, signed it, but there was no bank, no name at the top, it was like a child's homemade check. My mother and I were heartbroken for this man as we realized that he not only was homeless, but was not fully in charge of his mental capabilities anymore.
My husband was very irritated ... he was furious that this man got our hopes up only to write us a phoney check ... I woke up at that point. Irritated.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Schools should not be a torture chamber!
What is wrong with a teacher who proudly admits to telling a 12 year old 6th grade child, in special education class ... "If you fail this year, I will make sure that it is the most miserable year of your life!"
AND Proudly admits to having said that in front of the school principal, the school district special ed director and the school psychologist and the child's parents, grandmother and children's pastor from the child's church?
What could possibly posssess someone that feels like that to teach school, much less to teach junior high, much less to teach junior high special education?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
The only saving grace is that while this man is still my sons history teacher, he is no longer my sons case manager! The special ed director did not say anything to him while he yelled at us, demanding our respect but admitting to threatening our child. The special ed director did nod her head rather vigerously when the principal admitted that things were said by teachers that 'they as the administration feel should never have been said and would be dealt with'
But the damage is done and even if they fired him on the spot ... even if this man never saw my son again ... my son was still told by a special ed teacher that he (the teacher) was going to make him (my son) miserable! And that cannot be undone!
I just am so tired of fighting this school district. Bj is in the 6th grade, he's 12 years old, almost 13, we have been fighting this district since he was 2, almost 3 ... 10 years. I have taken them to due process 2 times (and won!) I have had the school special ed audited by the state senate educational committee (and changes were implemented) have they not learned I will NOT sit idly by and let them harm my child??!?!?
My mother warned me (she's taught special ed 20 + years) that they will not remove my son from this man's case load. She said that is the ultimate slap in the face, disclipline they can do to a case load teacher. But they did ... We finished the meeting with some things that might work to help, but we did NOT finish the meeting with anyone in the room but the special ed director & the school vice principal acknowleging that Bj really does try and that what they are saying is "just not working" is actually stereotypical of ADHD behavior (can do it one day, not the next ... can do things they want to, have an interest, can't do things that require effort ... )
I can't wait to get our habitat for humanity house and get the heck out of this district!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND Proudly admits to having said that in front of the school principal, the school district special ed director and the school psychologist and the child's parents, grandmother and children's pastor from the child's church?
What could possibly posssess someone that feels like that to teach school, much less to teach junior high, much less to teach junior high special education?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
The only saving grace is that while this man is still my sons history teacher, he is no longer my sons case manager! The special ed director did not say anything to him while he yelled at us, demanding our respect but admitting to threatening our child. The special ed director did nod her head rather vigerously when the principal admitted that things were said by teachers that 'they as the administration feel should never have been said and would be dealt with'
But the damage is done and even if they fired him on the spot ... even if this man never saw my son again ... my son was still told by a special ed teacher that he (the teacher) was going to make him (my son) miserable! And that cannot be undone!
I just am so tired of fighting this school district. Bj is in the 6th grade, he's 12 years old, almost 13, we have been fighting this district since he was 2, almost 3 ... 10 years. I have taken them to due process 2 times (and won!) I have had the school special ed audited by the state senate educational committee (and changes were implemented) have they not learned I will NOT sit idly by and let them harm my child??!?!?
My mother warned me (she's taught special ed 20 + years) that they will not remove my son from this man's case load. She said that is the ultimate slap in the face, disclipline they can do to a case load teacher. But they did ... We finished the meeting with some things that might work to help, but we did NOT finish the meeting with anyone in the room but the special ed director & the school vice principal acknowleging that Bj really does try and that what they are saying is "just not working" is actually stereotypical of ADHD behavior (can do it one day, not the next ... can do things they want to, have an interest, can't do things that require effort ... )
I can't wait to get our habitat for humanity house and get the heck out of this district!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
Ok ... just what is it about November that gives me bronchitis? I am coughing my little head off again, congested and in pain. My throat is killing me. And once again it's mid november and I will be celebrating my birthday either sick or getting over being sick ... I don't think I have EVER had a birthday that I wasn't coming down with bronchitis, smack dab in the middle of bronchitis or getting over bronchitis!
Ugh! I just wanna sleep until it all goes away ... problem is ... I can't sleep more than 15 min without waking up coughing!
Ok ... just what is it about November that gives me bronchitis? I am coughing my little head off again, congested and in pain. My throat is killing me. And once again it's mid november and I will be celebrating my birthday either sick or getting over being sick ... I don't think I have EVER had a birthday that I wasn't coming down with bronchitis, smack dab in the middle of bronchitis or getting over bronchitis!
Ugh! I just wanna sleep until it all goes away ... problem is ... I can't sleep more than 15 min without waking up coughing!
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams'
Please excuse the mess of this blog, I am currently trying to get it back to the nice neat blog that I once upon a time had it at!
Please excuse the mess of this blog, I am currently trying to get it back to the nice neat blog that I once upon a time had it at!
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
Heart of Lace
by Peggikaye Eagler
The mask that I wear,
Hides a wall of tears.
The smile shines bright,
Hiding shadows of fears.
You ask me, I'm fine,
But my heart cries in pain.
You hear my laughter,
Not the whispers of shame.
What I show my friends,
Is not what's inside.
What is shown to the world,
Covers well what I hide.
The mask seems so thick,
It's glued to my face.
The clothing of stability,
Covers a heart of torn lace.
Just how to unmask,
My coverings of show.
Just how to trust,
Is something I don't know.
Will I ever attain
Who I long to be?
If I'm hiding behind
A person who is not me?
© Peggikaye Eagler
Heart of Lace
by Peggikaye Eagler
The mask that I wear,
Hides a wall of tears.
The smile shines bright,
Hiding shadows of fears.
You ask me, I'm fine,
But my heart cries in pain.
You hear my laughter,
Not the whispers of shame.
What I show my friends,
Is not what's inside.
What is shown to the world,
Covers well what I hide.
The mask seems so thick,
It's glued to my face.
The clothing of stability,
Covers a heart of torn lace.
Just how to unmask,
My coverings of show.
Just how to trust,
Is something I don't know.
Will I ever attain
Who I long to be?
If I'm hiding behind
A person who is not me?
© Peggikaye Eagler
One week and counting dum dum dum dum dedum dum dum dedum
I have but one week left in which I can claim, legitimitely to be in my 30's. After next Sunday morning ... for me to say I am 30 anything ...will be either a lie or the beginning of demintia! 40 ..wow ... just how does one get to 40? It just seems so right for others to be 40, the business people, lawyers, doctor's, professional people ...they've done something with the 39 years preceeding that number ...but for me? I haven't done anything but chase after doctor appointments and children and tried to keep an insane marriaage together. I know of 22 year olds that have accomplished more in their life than I have. Shouldn't 40 be reserved for those who have actually EARNED the number?
If one more person says "ah yes, the body starts to fall apart at 40, that's when the fun begins." I swear I'll have to scream at them ... excuse me ... Is hould be exempt form that one! My body started to fall apart at 24 thank you very much! It's just soo much fun when you can see 22 year olds who have accomplished more than you have, and see 70 year olds who can DO so much more than you currently can do ... geesh.
I don't feel well today ... my throat hurts, my left ear hurts, my chest hurts again ...bronchitis type hurting ..do I have bronchitis? do I have a lupus induced pleurisy? I guess I'll find out on Tuesday ...
STop the world ... I wanna get off ...
If one more person says "ah yes, the body starts to fall apart at 40, that's when the fun begins." I swear I'll have to scream at them ... excuse me ... Is hould be exempt form that one! My body started to fall apart at 24 thank you very much! It's just soo much fun when you can see 22 year olds who have accomplished more than you have, and see 70 year olds who can DO so much more than you currently can do ... geesh.
I don't feel well today ... my throat hurts, my left ear hurts, my chest hurts again ...bronchitis type hurting ..do I have bronchitis? do I have a lupus induced pleurisy? I guess I'll find out on Tuesday ...
STop the world ... I wanna get off ...
Amien influenced blogging ... I accept all credit, but no blame!
Pearls and Dreams
So, if this is good. It's my writing skills. If it's screwballly, or just plain WEIRED ... it's the ambien talking.
I am so frustrated ... we''ver workd our butts off with Habitat for Humanity ...scratch that ... I HAVE WORKED MY butt of for our Habitat ... don has gone to a few classes lasting less than 30 min each .l.. big whoop! For the credit of us going to the workshops (he went to 5, I went to 3 ...his longest one was 50 min, my shortest one was 3 hours 15 min!)
I go to the financial planning classes every 2nd and 4th tuesdays ... I do all the homework for them... his piddly little job ... ot make sue that theh check is there IN the door by midnight on the first.
Tuesday night after the election, Don keeps talking about all the bills he''s paying the next day ... I asked him if he'd gotten the Habitat one paid ... nno .
They have a no grace .. we loose our escroww!! Today we got a check for it all back and we have start all over in December. I thad BETTER mean just the escrow account no tht sswweat equity!
We have 500 hours needed
450 to start building
we have to pay $50 per month to have a $5000 escrow to put down on the house when it starts.
We have 187.25 hours in.
Don ...
2 for orientation
3 for one night at financial class when I was too sick to go
5 of the 8 workshopss that equal 25 hours total. (like I said, the loongest ACTUALL time spent was oonnn very short meetings, then ones I went ..for like lifesaving and frist aide they took the whole freakin time!
I don't remember going to 3 of them, don doesn't remember going to more than 5, but they have us down ... so th Will class that I thought was just money manangemnt for us may have been will claass AND money managment ...
Here''s the break down ...
Habitat For Humanity needs us to do a down payment of $500 a month at the begining of the month ... period, noo exciusese, nothing matters. they even said "if you're mother's in the hospital, get your pastor to drop the check off" No mercy.
So ... ticked of at me for caring for my mother while she's in the hospital ... let Nov 1 go by... and it wasn't until AFTER the election that he remembered and went and paid.
Today, we got the checks back in ... so financially, we're right back at that 10 montss! I don't know what it does witih our hours. I am not sure if this wipes everyhing clean or not.
THis of coarse is MY faultt because if I hadn't distreacted him and abaNDON3ED my family to take care of hher at the hospital where there are people there to help her ... ARGH
Anway ... IF we don't have to start over again ... here is how it stants ...
Need 500 sweat equity,, boys can onlly do sweat equity in work shops or grades ...
Don has ... 2 hours orientaion
3 hours finanncial I was too sick to atttend
5 work shops on homeowndership ... longest one was 70 min. (the 3 I went to ... lasted 3.5 hours!)
Benjamin has : kids tyedye workshop ... 2 hours
grades 4 hours (grades are 1 hour for A 1/2 for B)
Samuel has : Kids tyedye workshop ...2 hours
grades 3.5 grades
ME on the other hand ...
2 hours orientation
3money managment
3 woodshop
3 woodshop
3 woodshop
3Money Managment ( 4 bj' grades as mentioned above)
3Money Managment
3 Money Managment 10 for Writing a will (stored at Cindy Foster's house)
3 money 3 grades .. Samuel ... 5 hours
3 money managment
1 class call sheet
3 tracking june
3 tracking july
Having a checking account 10 hours
Building Cite hosstess ... 4.5 hours
3money manangement class
budget 4 balanced August checking account 3
Building Cite hostess ... 1 hours
Restore ..... 10 to 20 4 hours
Restore ... 9:30 to 2:30 5 hours
Building cite hostes ... 7:50 to 11:35 3 hours and 45 min
Money managment 3 hours
Aug. tracking 3 hours
Sept tracking 3 hours
Restore
9:25 to 2:40 5.25 hours
Money manangment 3 hours.
Money Management 3 hours
grades ... 3.5 (samuels)
Restore
9:15 to 2:40 = 5.5 hours
Restore
9:00 to 2:00 = 5 hours
Money Managment 3 hours
October spending/tracting ... 3 hours
check book balance ... 3 hours
personal inventory ... 10 hours (total for the night ..19~)
Restore
9:115 to 2:30 5.25 hours
So, if this is good. It's my writing skills. If it's screwballly, or just plain WEIRED ... it's the ambien talking.
I am so frustrated ... we''ver workd our butts off with Habitat for Humanity ...scratch that ... I HAVE WORKED MY butt of for our Habitat ... don has gone to a few classes lasting less than 30 min each .l.. big whoop! For the credit of us going to the workshops (he went to 5, I went to 3 ...his longest one was 50 min, my shortest one was 3 hours 15 min!)
I go to the financial planning classes every 2nd and 4th tuesdays ... I do all the homework for them... his piddly little job ... ot make sue that theh check is there IN the door by midnight on the first.
Tuesday night after the election, Don keeps talking about all the bills he''s paying the next day ... I asked him if he'd gotten the Habitat one paid ... nno .
They have a no grace .. we loose our escroww!! Today we got a check for it all back and we have start all over in December. I thad BETTER mean just the escrow account no tht sswweat equity!
We have 500 hours needed
450 to start building
we have to pay $50 per month to have a $5000 escrow to put down on the house when it starts.
We have 187.25 hours in.
Don ...
2 for orientation
3 for one night at financial class when I was too sick to go
5 of the 8 workshopss that equal 25 hours total. (like I said, the loongest ACTUALL time spent was oonnn very short meetings, then ones I went ..for like lifesaving and frist aide they took the whole freakin time!
I don't remember going to 3 of them, don doesn't remember going to more than 5, but they have us down ... so th Will class that I thought was just money manangemnt for us may have been will claass AND money managment ...
Here''s the break down ...
Habitat For Humanity needs us to do a down payment of $500 a month at the begining of the month ... period, noo exciusese, nothing matters. they even said "if you're mother's in the hospital, get your pastor to drop the check off" No mercy.
So ... ticked of at me for caring for my mother while she's in the hospital ... let Nov 1 go by... and it wasn't until AFTER the election that he remembered and went and paid.
Today, we got the checks back in ... so financially, we're right back at that 10 montss! I don't know what it does witih our hours. I am not sure if this wipes everyhing clean or not.
THis of coarse is MY faultt because if I hadn't distreacted him and abaNDON3ED my family to take care of hher at the hospital where there are people there to help her ... ARGH
Anway ... IF we don't have to start over again ... here is how it stants ...
Need 500 sweat equity,, boys can onlly do sweat equity in work shops or grades ...
Don has ... 2 hours orientaion
3 hours finanncial I was too sick to atttend
5 work shops on homeowndership ... longest one was 70 min. (the 3 I went to ... lasted 3.5 hours!)
Benjamin has : kids tyedye workshop ... 2 hours
grades 4 hours (grades are 1 hour for A 1/2 for B)
Samuel has : Kids tyedye workshop ...2 hours
grades 3.5 grades
ME on the other hand ...
2 hours orientation
3money managment
3 woodshop
3 woodshop
3 woodshop
3Money Managment ( 4 bj' grades as mentioned above)
3Money Managment
3 Money Managment 10 for Writing a will (stored at Cindy Foster's house)
3 money 3 grades .. Samuel ... 5 hours
3 money managment
1 class call sheet
3 tracking june
3 tracking july
Having a checking account 10 hours
Building Cite hosstess ... 4.5 hours
3money manangement class
budget 4 balanced August checking account 3
Building Cite hostess ... 1 hours
Restore ..... 10 to 20 4 hours
Restore ... 9:30 to 2:30 5 hours
Building cite hostes ... 7:50 to 11:35 3 hours and 45 min
Money managment 3 hours
Aug. tracking 3 hours
Sept tracking 3 hours
Restore
9:25 to 2:40 5.25 hours
Money manangment 3 hours.
Money Management 3 hours
grades ... 3.5 (samuels)
Restore
9:15 to 2:40 = 5.5 hours
Restore
9:00 to 2:00 = 5 hours
Money Managment 3 hours
October spending/tracting ... 3 hours
check book balance ... 3 hours
personal inventory ... 10 hours (total for the night ..19~)
Restore
9:115 to 2:30 5.25 hours
Saturday, November 13, 2004
no phone, no contact with the outside world!
Pearls and Dreams
I have just lived through a vERY frustrating week. Phone cable was out. Saturday, they said that it would be fixed on Sunday, so Sunday two line techs came out and said "it's not in your line, it's in the cable, you need a cable tech"
SBC proceeded to send out 2 more line techs (wednesday and thursday) to come to the same conclusion!
Finally today, they sent out the cable tech and our phone line is back up and running. I tell you what, it's one thing to be without a computer for months ... but even a week without phone??????? ARGH!
I have just lived through a vERY frustrating week. Phone cable was out. Saturday, they said that it would be fixed on Sunday, so Sunday two line techs came out and said "it's not in your line, it's in the cable, you need a cable tech"
SBC proceeded to send out 2 more line techs (wednesday and thursday) to come to the same conclusion!
Finally today, they sent out the cable tech and our phone line is back up and running. I tell you what, it's one thing to be without a computer for months ... but even a week without phone??????? ARGH!
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
WELL ... it's almost midnight. That makes me one day closer to turning 40.
Part of me is not happy ... 40 ... wow!
If one more person tells me the body starts to fall apart at 40, me thinks I'll scream!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, so it didn't take one more person, just one more thought! My body started to fall apart at 25! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
Bu then again ..40 ... how many times have I heard "Life begins at 40"
Moses ... left Egypt to start a new life at 40, to spend 40 years before going back to free the slaves before spending another 40 years wandering around.
Last weekend with my mom in the hospital, this very pretty little nursing student came in the evening. Bubbling over with life, and excited to start her life ... I was so envious ... to be able to start life at 20 and know what you're wanting to do. She saw my Arbonne lotion I'd taken up there for my mom and commented on needing using the hormone cream. I was shocked, what does a kid need with the hormone cream?
I asked her how old she was ... 42! That made me pay attention, she is just starting life again.
So it's making me feel old because of the pain and fatigue ..but I'm also very excited about what God is doing and where he is taking me and I feel like I'm on a new journey that will take me deeper, higher and freer than I have ever been!
WELL ... it's almost midnight. That makes me one day closer to turning 40.
Part of me is not happy ... 40 ... wow!
If one more person tells me the body starts to fall apart at 40, me thinks I'll scream!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, so it didn't take one more person, just one more thought! My body started to fall apart at 25! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
Bu then again ..40 ... how many times have I heard "Life begins at 40"
Moses ... left Egypt to start a new life at 40, to spend 40 years before going back to free the slaves before spending another 40 years wandering around.
Last weekend with my mom in the hospital, this very pretty little nursing student came in the evening. Bubbling over with life, and excited to start her life ... I was so envious ... to be able to start life at 20 and know what you're wanting to do. She saw my Arbonne lotion I'd taken up there for my mom and commented on needing using the hormone cream. I was shocked, what does a kid need with the hormone cream?
I asked her how old she was ... 42! That made me pay attention, she is just starting life again.
So it's making me feel old because of the pain and fatigue ..but I'm also very excited about what God is doing and where he is taking me and I feel like I'm on a new journey that will take me deeper, higher and freer than I have ever been!
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Quiz?
|
.... it was onlly a dream ... but it shook me
Dream
By Peggikaye Eagler
Sitting in my living room, is my family with me, Samuel on the couch, Benjamin on the floor and my husband Don in the recliner, but not reclining. I’m sitting on the love seat sideways so that I can see the television head on. The local news is on, and Benjamin is asking if they can "do that". I’m sitting there, shaking my head and telling him that it isn’t a matter of "can" but they are and we have to trust God. Before anymore conversation can take place, there is a loud, firm knock at the door. Just one knock.
I got up to answer the door and two Tulsa Police officers enter the house, shutting the door themselves, standing in the front of it they say "Is this the house of Donald and Peggikaye Eagler?" We tell them it is. By now, Don and the boys have stood up and are standing near me. They seem to all be right behind me, but I can see each of them. The police become even more stern as they say, "We have you listed as active, participating members of Southpark Community Church, do you deny this?"
Don stepped a bit to the side as the boys stood a bit straighter. I stood up straighter, crossing my arms and said "We most certainly are."
The first policeman wrote something in his book. I closed my eyes to say a quick prayer and when I opened them, the uniforms on the police were no longer the olive green of the Tulsa Police Department, but black, blacker than I had ever seen before. There was no color anywhere on the uniform. The second policeman spoke up and said, "We are here to ensure that you will deny your faith. Before we leave your house, you will have either admitted that Christ was a hoax or you will be arrested."
The first policeman opened the door. There was a moving truck on the driveway. More men in black uniforms stood ready. The first thing they removed was the food, leaving only beverages and cups. Then they started removing my books. Each time they would start to go out the door, they would stop long enough to ask, "Will you admit Christ is a hoax?" Before they’d step out the door, the first officer would say, "You may keep your belongings if you admit the bible is a lie." Each time I would shake my head no, and sometimes say "Jesus is Lord."
At some point I became aware my family was no longer there. I wasn’t worried or scared for them, I wasn’t even curious. It was just that it was myself alone, with God, and the policemen. There were very few belongings left, but everyone of them was important. They had already removed my clothes, my food, pots, pans and most of the dishes. Gone were my books by Agatha Christi, Robin Cook and John Grisham. My bed, my TV and computer were removed without my even caring. All that was left was the things I hold
Page 2
as dear. The police seemed to instinctively know what my precious things were.
The police seemed to get excited as they came to what they knew was going to be the key to my caving in. They started with silverware. To someone who didn’t know, they’d have thought it was just garage sale junk. The reality, it had been a wedding present to my step fathers’ mother. It is one of the only things I have that belonged to Grandma Pearson. She gave it to my mother after my step-dad died, on the condition we use them not store them. Tears welled up slightly as they showed them to me, but I quickly said "Jesus is Lord."
Then they started to remove my elephant collection. One by one they removed each one. Memories of people who have gone on to be with God passed by me. The elephants given to me by my pastors wife, Judy, when I was a teenager, ones they had collected while on the mission field. The ceramic and gold that my mother bought on a mission trip to Russia, and another given to me by a child from church. Each one, instead of causing me to desire my belongings reminded me of serving God and helped to strengthen my resolve. The policeman with an angry smile held the last of my elephants in my face. A green ceramic, one of the first I had gotten after deciding to collect elephants. The memory of the day I got it came back in full color. My mother took me to see our pastor Leonard and his wife Elaine. I wanted Elaine to see it. When she took it from me, I jumped and grabbed, as if I thought she would break it. Instead of being offended, Elaine set it down gently to look at it. Standing before the policeman, I wondered "Do I trust God more than I trusted Elaine?" I stood straighter and said louder "Jesus is the Lord of my life."
The policeman in anger slammed the ceramic elephant down. As fragile as it was, it did not break. My determination grew stronger. They removed the piano I inherited from my grandmother. They removed my children’s bunk beds and the clarinet I always loved (but could not play).
One by one they removed the books by Max Lucado. When I try to describe the books to someone who has never read one, I generally will say "They are like getting a hug from God." Seeing them removed was somewhat scary, but I knew that the author, Max Lucado, would be the last one who would want me to save his books in this situation.
Very few things were left. My couch and love seat set that was given to me by my friend Michelle, were taken out. The policeman gave me six chances while removing it from my home. Each time, he became more angry. Each time I said a bit louder "Jesus is Lord."
Finally, my house was empty except the first two policemen and me, my coffee table and my Bible. The policeman said "Take the table" and the one man handed me my Bible. My heart started pounding. After all this, they were going to let me keep my Bible.
Page 3
Through my tears, I could see the paperback pink cover. The bended corner and worn
cover was more precious to me than I had imagined.
The second policeman took out my coffee table as I hugged God’s word close to me. The first policeman yelled "That is a book of fairy tales!" He reached out to take it from me. He grabbed it with force and I fell to my knees and cried out "one day EVERY knee will bow and every tongue confess Jesus Christ is Lord."
The second policeman grabbed me and yanked me up cuffing my arms behind me.
Both men were furious that nothing had worked and it meant they had to tell their superiors they’d failed. They took me to a concentration camp that looked every bit as dark and dank as any picture of a Nazi camp from World War II. Once inside the gate I was given one more chance to deny Jesus Christ. I simply shook my head "no" as they pushed me through the door into the "court yard." In the camp, were most, if not all my friends from church.
We were gathered in a central place and told that we would have no books, no paper, no pens or pencils. If somehow someone figured out a way to write and save something and we were caught with the "written words from that vile book" we would be put immediately to death.
As we went to our barracks we realized that we would have to use our memories of scripture to survive. We gathered in groups on the bunks, each one taking a turn to quote a verse they could remember. I woke up from this dream just as it came to me and I was saying again "Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord."
I woke up realizing it was a dream and felt a desperation I had never felt before. The panicked feeling of the moment they grabbed my Bible was overwhelming to me. I knew almost immediately that this had been a dream, however, I also knew that the message I needed was loud and clear.
While my childhood and teen years were filled with opportunities to memorize scripture, my adult life had not continued the pattern of my youth. Every week in Sunday School, every Friday in Bible club I had a memory verse I was responsible for. My mother made sure that I knew the verses. In high school, I went to a Christian school where every week I had to learn at least seven to ten verses. Throughout my childhood years I literally memorized hundreds of verses and passages in the King James Version. Shortly after graduation, I got my first New American Standard Version. Then came the New International Version.
In addition to the versions that differed from the one I had memorized, I did not challenge myself to continue learning more verses. I still have parts of most, if not all of
Page 4
the verses memorized and can quickly find in a Strongs’ concordance whatever it is I need. But I can’t tell you where the verses are found or be able to quote them if asked.
God has always brought them to mind when I need them and I have no doubt He will continue to do so. Through the dream I have come to realize that I need to continually hide God’s word in my heart and not depend on my childhood to get me through.
I am not trying to say that our country would ever come to that extreme, but am I prepared enough if it does?
By Peggikaye Eagler
Sitting in my living room, is my family with me, Samuel on the couch, Benjamin on the floor and my husband Don in the recliner, but not reclining. I’m sitting on the love seat sideways so that I can see the television head on. The local news is on, and Benjamin is asking if they can "do that". I’m sitting there, shaking my head and telling him that it isn’t a matter of "can" but they are and we have to trust God. Before anymore conversation can take place, there is a loud, firm knock at the door. Just one knock.
I got up to answer the door and two Tulsa Police officers enter the house, shutting the door themselves, standing in the front of it they say "Is this the house of Donald and Peggikaye Eagler?" We tell them it is. By now, Don and the boys have stood up and are standing near me. They seem to all be right behind me, but I can see each of them. The police become even more stern as they say, "We have you listed as active, participating members of Southpark Community Church, do you deny this?"
Don stepped a bit to the side as the boys stood a bit straighter. I stood up straighter, crossing my arms and said "We most certainly are."
The first policeman wrote something in his book. I closed my eyes to say a quick prayer and when I opened them, the uniforms on the police were no longer the olive green of the Tulsa Police Department, but black, blacker than I had ever seen before. There was no color anywhere on the uniform. The second policeman spoke up and said, "We are here to ensure that you will deny your faith. Before we leave your house, you will have either admitted that Christ was a hoax or you will be arrested."
The first policeman opened the door. There was a moving truck on the driveway. More men in black uniforms stood ready. The first thing they removed was the food, leaving only beverages and cups. Then they started removing my books. Each time they would start to go out the door, they would stop long enough to ask, "Will you admit Christ is a hoax?" Before they’d step out the door, the first officer would say, "You may keep your belongings if you admit the bible is a lie." Each time I would shake my head no, and sometimes say "Jesus is Lord."
At some point I became aware my family was no longer there. I wasn’t worried or scared for them, I wasn’t even curious. It was just that it was myself alone, with God, and the policemen. There were very few belongings left, but everyone of them was important. They had already removed my clothes, my food, pots, pans and most of the dishes. Gone were my books by Agatha Christi, Robin Cook and John Grisham. My bed, my TV and computer were removed without my even caring. All that was left was the things I hold
Page 2
as dear. The police seemed to instinctively know what my precious things were.
The police seemed to get excited as they came to what they knew was going to be the key to my caving in. They started with silverware. To someone who didn’t know, they’d have thought it was just garage sale junk. The reality, it had been a wedding present to my step fathers’ mother. It is one of the only things I have that belonged to Grandma Pearson. She gave it to my mother after my step-dad died, on the condition we use them not store them. Tears welled up slightly as they showed them to me, but I quickly said "Jesus is Lord."
Then they started to remove my elephant collection. One by one they removed each one. Memories of people who have gone on to be with God passed by me. The elephants given to me by my pastors wife, Judy, when I was a teenager, ones they had collected while on the mission field. The ceramic and gold that my mother bought on a mission trip to Russia, and another given to me by a child from church. Each one, instead of causing me to desire my belongings reminded me of serving God and helped to strengthen my resolve. The policeman with an angry smile held the last of my elephants in my face. A green ceramic, one of the first I had gotten after deciding to collect elephants. The memory of the day I got it came back in full color. My mother took me to see our pastor Leonard and his wife Elaine. I wanted Elaine to see it. When she took it from me, I jumped and grabbed, as if I thought she would break it. Instead of being offended, Elaine set it down gently to look at it. Standing before the policeman, I wondered "Do I trust God more than I trusted Elaine?" I stood straighter and said louder "Jesus is the Lord of my life."
The policeman in anger slammed the ceramic elephant down. As fragile as it was, it did not break. My determination grew stronger. They removed the piano I inherited from my grandmother. They removed my children’s bunk beds and the clarinet I always loved (but could not play).
One by one they removed the books by Max Lucado. When I try to describe the books to someone who has never read one, I generally will say "They are like getting a hug from God." Seeing them removed was somewhat scary, but I knew that the author, Max Lucado, would be the last one who would want me to save his books in this situation.
Very few things were left. My couch and love seat set that was given to me by my friend Michelle, were taken out. The policeman gave me six chances while removing it from my home. Each time, he became more angry. Each time I said a bit louder "Jesus is Lord."
Finally, my house was empty except the first two policemen and me, my coffee table and my Bible. The policeman said "Take the table" and the one man handed me my Bible. My heart started pounding. After all this, they were going to let me keep my Bible.
Page 3
Through my tears, I could see the paperback pink cover. The bended corner and worn
cover was more precious to me than I had imagined.
The second policeman took out my coffee table as I hugged God’s word close to me. The first policeman yelled "That is a book of fairy tales!" He reached out to take it from me. He grabbed it with force and I fell to my knees and cried out "one day EVERY knee will bow and every tongue confess Jesus Christ is Lord."
The second policeman grabbed me and yanked me up cuffing my arms behind me.
Both men were furious that nothing had worked and it meant they had to tell their superiors they’d failed. They took me to a concentration camp that looked every bit as dark and dank as any picture of a Nazi camp from World War II. Once inside the gate I was given one more chance to deny Jesus Christ. I simply shook my head "no" as they pushed me through the door into the "court yard." In the camp, were most, if not all my friends from church.
We were gathered in a central place and told that we would have no books, no paper, no pens or pencils. If somehow someone figured out a way to write and save something and we were caught with the "written words from that vile book" we would be put immediately to death.
As we went to our barracks we realized that we would have to use our memories of scripture to survive. We gathered in groups on the bunks, each one taking a turn to quote a verse they could remember. I woke up from this dream just as it came to me and I was saying again "Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord."
I woke up realizing it was a dream and felt a desperation I had never felt before. The panicked feeling of the moment they grabbed my Bible was overwhelming to me. I knew almost immediately that this had been a dream, however, I also knew that the message I needed was loud and clear.
While my childhood and teen years were filled with opportunities to memorize scripture, my adult life had not continued the pattern of my youth. Every week in Sunday School, every Friday in Bible club I had a memory verse I was responsible for. My mother made sure that I knew the verses. In high school, I went to a Christian school where every week I had to learn at least seven to ten verses. Throughout my childhood years I literally memorized hundreds of verses and passages in the King James Version. Shortly after graduation, I got my first New American Standard Version. Then came the New International Version.
In addition to the versions that differed from the one I had memorized, I did not challenge myself to continue learning more verses. I still have parts of most, if not all of
Page 4
the verses memorized and can quickly find in a Strongs’ concordance whatever it is I need. But I can’t tell you where the verses are found or be able to quote them if asked.
God has always brought them to mind when I need them and I have no doubt He will continue to do so. Through the dream I have come to realize that I need to continually hide God’s word in my heart and not depend on my childhood to get me through.
I am not trying to say that our country would ever come to that extreme, but am I prepared enough if it does?
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
I am just trying out how to post ...
Check out my poetry at www.postpoems.com ... look under Eagler, Peggikaye to find my poems, and feel free to rate with Critiques or compliments ... critisizm for the sake of being spiteful or hurtful, I'm not interested in ... true critique makes me a better poet!
Here's a sample of what you'll find on there ...
At The Feet of Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler
The perfume left the bottle,
The fragrance filled the air.
With tears her worship was given,
As she wiped His feet with her hair.
The perfume so fragrant and sweet,
Costly oil she’d had to buy
She poured it on His feet with love,
Did she know He was soon to die?
As she poured her heart with the oil,
Her worship was in the right place,
Kneeling at His feet so humbly,
Tears slipping down her face.
A picture for us to live by,
To Worship Christ Jesus the King.
Anoint His feet with my worship,
With honor and praise I sing.
I pour out my pain and fear,
And He wipes it with his blood.
A clean heart with which to give Him,
As His presence comes in like a flood.
To Jesus, my gift is Worship.
Honor and trust on my knees.
I thank You Jesus for taking,
My love, my gift, and my pleas.
Each day I will strive to remember,
Mary pouring her heart on His feet.
And praises I will lift with Joy,
Glorious Praises, I will often repeat.
© Peggikaye Eagler
I am just trying out how to post ...
Check out my poetry at www.postpoems.com ... look under Eagler, Peggikaye to find my poems, and feel free to rate with Critiques or compliments ... critisizm for the sake of being spiteful or hurtful, I'm not interested in ... true critique makes me a better poet!
Here's a sample of what you'll find on there ...
At The Feet of Jesus
by Peggikaye Eagler
The perfume left the bottle,
The fragrance filled the air.
With tears her worship was given,
As she wiped His feet with her hair.
The perfume so fragrant and sweet,
Costly oil she’d had to buy
She poured it on His feet with love,
Did she know He was soon to die?
As she poured her heart with the oil,
Her worship was in the right place,
Kneeling at His feet so humbly,
Tears slipping down her face.
A picture for us to live by,
To Worship Christ Jesus the King.
Anoint His feet with my worship,
With honor and praise I sing.
I pour out my pain and fear,
And He wipes it with his blood.
A clean heart with which to give Him,
As His presence comes in like a flood.
To Jesus, my gift is Worship.
Honor and trust on my knees.
I thank You Jesus for taking,
My love, my gift, and my pleas.
Each day I will strive to remember,
Mary pouring her heart on His feet.
And praises I will lift with Joy,
Glorious Praises, I will often repeat.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Joining in the fun
Well, It's time I entered into the fun ... blogging!
Not sure I'll say a bunch tonight, but thought I'd at least set it up.
If anyone reads this and are wondering what's behind the name ... if you don't know me, I guess you'll just have to wait and figure it out as I go (nah! I'm not a bit ornery!)
If you know me, you might be able to figure it out ... but for now, I will just say, it has everything to do with God's miraculous grace, and mercy and healing of a wounded broken heart!
Well, I guess since I have it established, and the election is just about settled, at least as much as it's going to get for now ... I will end it ...
Hey D ... it's about time I join in huh?
Not sure I'll say a bunch tonight, but thought I'd at least set it up.
If anyone reads this and are wondering what's behind the name ... if you don't know me, I guess you'll just have to wait and figure it out as I go
If you know me, you might be able to figure it out ... but for now, I will just say, it has everything to do with God's miraculous grace, and mercy and healing of a wounded broken heart!
Well, I guess since I have it established, and the election is just about settled, at least as much as it's going to get for now ... I will end it ...
Hey D ... it's about time I join in huh?
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