Pearls and Dreams
I am percieved as a transparent person. When people meet me, they do not see me as being closed off, or private. They do not see me as the type to hold secrets or keep things bottled up. They see me as someone who is willing to lay it on the line and be seen for what she is. They see me as outgoing and willing to stick myself out there ...
What a mask !
I can remember when my doctor first told me that I had to go into treatment for an eating disorder. He'd been suggesting it for a while. Then I lost 80 lbs in 4 months ..and he laid it on the line ... Do it, or find a new doctor, I care too much, not only are you my patient that I can't watch do this to yourself, but your my sister in Christ, and I can't stand by and watch you destroy yourself this way.
Get help.
He referred me to the Eating Disorder Clinic, where they insisted that I inform my whole medical treatment team, including my physical therapist ... I was floored. WHY HIM? He's not a doctor! But, I had to ...as part of compliance with the treatment.
I met him one morning, early, about 6. We were supposed to be meeting a vendor for a bracing for me. It was snowing outside ..the vendor didn't show up. No one else would be in the clinic for 45 minutes. My PT was a christian, he lived across the street from my pastor and we had developed a friendship in addition to the PT/Patient relationship. We got to sharing what God was doing in our lives.
There, in the quiet, super quiet atmosphere, I quietly told him what I was supposed to have told him 3 weeks before. Yes, it was technically him the PT, but in reality, it was him as friend that I was able to tell because of what he'd shared with me a few minutes before.
He was shocked. He stood up from the chair and just stared at me. He said "you're the last person I'd have expected it from. You seem so open, so real ... I would never have guessed you had a secret in your life!" I can remember clenching my fist under the table as I realized it wasn't the only secret, it probably wasn't the least of my secrets.
I have panic attacks, and people don't know ... I have melt downs, and no one sees them. I tell people about the chaos that goes on in my life ... mom's been sick, Don's been sick, I've been sick, the kids etc ..but I don't tell them the emotions behind the chaos. I don't tell them the hurt that goes with the chaos.
I don't tell them the fear that my mom won't be here in 5 years ... I tell them the frustration of dealing with my mom's declining mental state ...but I don't tell them the stark terror that strikes in my heart and that I'm afraid that I'm loosing the essence of the woman who planted the love of worshiping my savior.
I tell them I'm tired. I don't tell them that I'm worn out from trying to keep too many balls in the air ..that it's really more emotional exhaustion from trying to be the happy person they are used to seeing ... from being the strong one ... from being the one who doesn't need comfort. I tell them I'm in pain, but I don't tell them that the pain feels like it will never go away, and it scares me that I'm 41 and if it feels like that now ...what will it feel like when I'm 61?
I tell them Don doesn't feel good. But I don't tell them that it scares me when he doesn't feel good. Will he get pneumonia with his less than 50% lung capacity and will he be the typical male again and wait till too late to seek help.
When our marriage was bad. I never told until it was desperately bad, and then I only said it was bad. Even then, most people ...didn't know it was bad. They just thought my husband didn't come to church. When they ask about Don now, I can tell them he's good, but I don't tell them how afraid I am that I'll loose him now that I finally HAVE him.
When I talk about the kids, I tell them the facts. Benjamin had a seizure. Matter of fact, but it's ok because it was just caused by a fever (last November). I didn't tell them the fear that went with it ... does that mean the epilepsy isn't under control? What am I doing wrong?
When I'd talk about the frustration of Samuel not living up to his potential, I would talk about what he wasn't doing. Facts, just the facts ma'am ... no emotions or fear ...
Once I've had time to think about it, weigh it out, get some scriptures to balance myself out ... THEN I'll tell people how I got through it ... I'll tell people about the battle from the other side ... but I don't tell them when I'm IN the battle ... I don't ask for comfort in the battle ... I might ask for prayer ...but I'll never ask for comfort.
Because I tell people facts ... it comes off as being staight forward ... transparent ... my transparency is so opaque ... and no one really seems to know how to see through it.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Monday, April 10, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
April Awareness
Serious Posting with statistics and references from other websites. Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month
Submitted by darceyw on Tue, 2006-04-04 18:02. News & Events
April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. During this month, many events and activities will help raise awareness about sexual assault. In America, one in six women and one in thirty-three men are victims of sexual assault. Take this time to do your part in the fight against sexual violence. On our website, we have listed several events nationwide and encourage you to support RAINN and our affiliated rape crisis centers.
We'd also like to thank the rape crisis centers across the country, their employees and volunteers and everyone who works for and supports an end to sexual assault. Your contributions and hard work make a real difference in the lives of those affected by sexual assault.****************************Statistics
Submitted by sturm on Thu, 2005-09-15 17:57.
More Than Half of Sexual Assaults Go Unreported
Rapes Still Not Being ReportedThe National Crime Victimization Survey includes statistics on reported and unreported crimes in America. Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes, with more than half still being left unreported. Utilizing services such as The National Sexual Assault Hotline can help encourage victims to get help and report what has happened to them so that more perpetrators can be brought to justice.
Young females are four times more likely than any other group to be the victims of sexual assault.
Key Facts
Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
One in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape, and 10% of sexual assault victims are men.
In 2003-2004, there were an average annual 204,370 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
About 44% of rape victims are under age 18, and 80% are under age 30.
Since 1993, rape/sexual assault has fallen by over 64%.
2004 StatisticsIn 2004, there were 209,880 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assaults according to the 2004 National Crime Victimization Survey (pdf). (from Pk here ... and how many does that not include because they were never reported to officials)
Of the average annual 204,370 victims in 2003-2004, about 65,510 were victims of completed rape, 43,440 were victims of attempted rape, and 95,420 were victims of sexual assault.
Because of the methodology of the National Crime Victimization Survey, these figures do not include victims 12 or younger. While there are no reliable annual surveys of sexual assaults on children, (pdf) the Justice Department has estimated that one of six victims are under age 12.
It's Not Always a Stranger Hiding in the Bushes
Contrary to the belief that rapists are hiding in the bushes or in the shadows of the parking garage, almost two-thirds of all rapes were committed by someone who is known to the victim. 67% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger – 47% of perpetrators were a friend or acquaintance of the victim, 17% were an intimate and 3% were another relative.National Crime Victimization Survey, 2004
Is the incidence of rape and sexual assault increasing or decreasing in America?Have you heard about crime declining? It is true (as best we can tell). While figures for any single year are considered somewhat unreliable because they are based on a small sample size, the more-reliable longterm trend looks extremely good. Since 1993, rape/sexual assault has fallen by more than half. Read a two page summary of major statistics (pdf).
RAINN's "two and a half minute" calculation is based on 2004 National Crime Victimization Survey (pdf) from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice. Here are details of the calculation.
Additional Resources
For information and resources on sexual assault, rape and drug-facilitated sexual assault, please visit 911rape.org.
For more information and statistics, visit the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics. Helping Yourself, Helping Others (follow the link for advice on how to help yourself, or help friends) Help in Your Area Programs About Rainne
Submitted by darceyw on Tue, 2006-04-04 18:02. News & Events
April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. During this month, many events and activities will help raise awareness about sexual assault. In America, one in six women and one in thirty-three men are victims of sexual assault. Take this time to do your part in the fight against sexual violence. On our website, we have listed several events nationwide and encourage you to support RAINN and our affiliated rape crisis centers.
We'd also like to thank the rape crisis centers across the country, their employees and volunteers and everyone who works for and supports an end to sexual assault. Your contributions and hard work make a real difference in the lives of those affected by sexual assault.****************************Statistics
Submitted by sturm on Thu, 2005-09-15 17:57.
More Than Half of Sexual Assaults Go Unreported
Rapes Still Not Being ReportedThe National Crime Victimization Survey includes statistics on reported and unreported crimes in America. Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes, with more than half still being left unreported. Utilizing services such as The National Sexual Assault Hotline can help encourage victims to get help and report what has happened to them so that more perpetrators can be brought to justice.
Young females are four times more likely than any other group to be the victims of sexual assault.
Key Facts
Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
One in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape, and 10% of sexual assault victims are men.
In 2003-2004, there were an average annual 204,370 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
About 44% of rape victims are under age 18, and 80% are under age 30.
Since 1993, rape/sexual assault has fallen by over 64%.
2004 StatisticsIn 2004, there were 209,880 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assaults according to the 2004 National Crime Victimization Survey (pdf). (from Pk here ... and how many does that not include because they were never reported to officials)
Of the average annual 204,370 victims in 2003-2004, about 65,510 were victims of completed rape, 43,440 were victims of attempted rape, and 95,420 were victims of sexual assault.
Because of the methodology of the National Crime Victimization Survey, these figures do not include victims 12 or younger. While there are no reliable annual surveys of sexual assaults on children, (pdf) the Justice Department has estimated that one of six victims are under age 12.
It's Not Always a Stranger Hiding in the Bushes
Contrary to the belief that rapists are hiding in the bushes or in the shadows of the parking garage, almost two-thirds of all rapes were committed by someone who is known to the victim. 67% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger – 47% of perpetrators were a friend or acquaintance of the victim, 17% were an intimate and 3% were another relative.National Crime Victimization Survey, 2004
Is the incidence of rape and sexual assault increasing or decreasing in America?Have you heard about crime declining? It is true (as best we can tell). While figures for any single year are considered somewhat unreliable because they are based on a small sample size, the more-reliable longterm trend looks extremely good. Since 1993, rape/sexual assault has fallen by more than half. Read a two page summary of major statistics (pdf).
RAINN's "two and a half minute" calculation is based on 2004 National Crime Victimization Survey (pdf) from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice. Here are details of the calculation.
Additional Resources
For information and resources on sexual assault, rape and drug-facilitated sexual assault, please visit 911rape.org.
For more information and statistics, visit the U.S. Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics. Helping Yourself, Helping Others (follow the link for advice on how to help yourself, or help friends) Help in Your Area Programs About Rainne
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Saturday Fun
Pearls and Dreams
Mark the ones you've done with numbers
[ ] I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.
[1] I have read a lot of books.
[ 2] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[3 ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[4 ] I have been to Canada.
[ ] I have been to Europe.
[5]I have watched cartoons for hours. in childhood
[6] I have tripped UP the stairs. more times than I can count
[7] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ 8] I have been snowboarding/skiing. 1ce
[9] I have played ping pong.
[10 ] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[11] I have seen fireworks.
[12] I have seen a shooting star.
[13] I have seen a meteor shower.
[]I have almost drowned.
[14] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[15] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[16] i have had stitches. (HAVE stitches ...in my shoulder ;)...)
[17] I have been on the honor roll.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[18] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[] I currently have a job.
[18] I have been ice skating.
[] I have been rollerblading. I'm just a few years older than the rollerblade generation.
[19] I have fallen flat on my face.
[20] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[] I have been in a fist fight.
[] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[] I have watched the power rangers
[21 ] I do attend Church regularly.
[22] I have played truth or dare.
[23] I have already had my 16th birthday. I've had my 16th ... my son has had his 16th ...
[24] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[25] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[] I've called someone stupid and meant it.
[26] I've been in a verbal argument.
[27] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[]I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played american football on a team.
[28 ] I've played soccer on a team. Gold Medal in the league that year!
[] I've done cheerleading on a team. Kind of, Pep Squad
[29] I've played softball on a team. Captain
[30] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[31 ] I've been on a track team.
[32] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life. Swam competitively & Water Ballet
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[] I've climbed a rock wall.
[] Ive lost more than $20.
[33] I've called myself an idiot.
[] I've called someone else an idiot.
[] I've owned a spice girls cd.
[] I've owned a Britney spears cd
[ ] I've owned an NSYNC cd.
[] I've owned a Backstreet Boys cd.
[34] I've cried myself to sleep.
[35] I've had (or have) pets.
[] I've mooned someone.
[] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[36] I've been in the newspaper.
[37] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[] I've eaten sushi.
[38 ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[ ] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies. I have been in the room when all of them have been playing, multiple times.
[ ] I've watched all of the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[] I've watched "Newly weds" Nick & Jessica.
[39] I've watched Looney tunes
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker
[] I've been called a geek
[] I've studied hard for a test and gotten a bad grade.
[40] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it
[] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hrs.
[41] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[42] I've written poetry one of my creative outlets and worship tools
[43]I've been arrested My ex husband told me he'd paid my traffic ticket, he hadn't ... I found out when I got pulled over .... I was fit to be tied!
[] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[44] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[45] I've had/have siblings.
[] I've been to a rock concert.
[46] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[47] I've been in a play.
[48] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[] I've laughed so hard I've farted. If I'm laughing that hard, I'm not paying attention to that!
[49] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[50] I've cried in front of my friends. not for a long time
[ 51] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[52 ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska
[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[] I've had a fight with someone on AIM/MSN/etc.
[] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[53] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[54] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[55] I've been forgiven.
[] Ive screamed at a scary movie.
[] I've cried at a chick flick.
[56] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[57] I've screamed at the top of my lungs when my step dad died, and not since
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.
[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[58] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[59] I've driven on the highway
[60] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day
[61] I've been in a car accident
[62] I've been homesick
[63] I've thrown up
[64] I've puked all over someone.
[65]Ive been horseback riding.
[] I've spoken my mind in public
[65] I've proven someone wrong.
[66] Ive been proven wrong by someone
[ 66] I've broken a leg.
[67 ] I've broken an arm.
[69] I've fallen off a swing
[70] ive swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight
[71] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[] I've lost my backpack.
[72] I've come close to dying. more than once
[] I've seen someone die. found someone who'd died, but not seen someone die
[73] I've known someone who has died. too many
[] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[] I've forgotten to brush my teeth one morning.
[74] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[75] I've realized how good my life is.
76] I've counted my blessings.
[77] I've made fun of a classmate. would calling her Nellie Olsen count?
[] I've slapped someone in the face.
[78] I've been skateboarding.
[79] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[80] I've lied to someone to their face. anyone with an eating disorder has done this.
[81] I've told a little white lie.
[] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[82] I've fainted.another eating disordered related activity
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether or notcheerleading is a sport.
[83] I've pushed someone into a pool. my sister, it shouldn't count.
[84] I've been pushed into a pool. it was my sister, but it definitely counts!
Now take the last number and post it as "I have lived through (blank) out of 155 things"
I have lived through 84 things.
Mark the ones you've done with numbers
[ ] I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.
[1] I have read a lot of books.
[ 2] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[3 ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[4 ] I have been to Canada.
[ ] I have been to Europe.
[5]I have watched cartoons for hours. in childhood
[6] I have tripped UP the stairs. more times than I can count
[7] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ 8] I have been snowboarding/skiing. 1ce
[9] I have played ping pong.
[10 ] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[11] I have seen fireworks.
[12] I have seen a shooting star.
[13] I have seen a meteor shower.
[]I have almost drowned.
[14] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[15] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[16] i have had stitches. (HAVE stitches ...in my shoulder ;)...)
[17] I have been on the honor roll.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[18] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[] I currently have a job.
[18] I have been ice skating.
[] I have been rollerblading. I'm just a few years older than the rollerblade generation.
[19] I have fallen flat on my face.
[20] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[] I have been in a fist fight.
[] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[] I have watched the power rangers
[21 ] I do attend Church regularly.
[22] I have played truth or dare.
[23] I have already had my 16th birthday. I've had my 16th ... my son has had his 16th ...
[24] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[25] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[] I've called someone stupid and meant it.
[26] I've been in a verbal argument.
[27] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[]I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played american football on a team.
[28 ] I've played soccer on a team. Gold Medal in the league that year!
[] I've done cheerleading on a team. Kind of, Pep Squad
[29] I've played softball on a team. Captain
[30] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[31 ] I've been on a track team.
[32] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life. Swam competitively & Water Ballet
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[] I've climbed a rock wall.
[] Ive lost more than $20.
[33] I've called myself an idiot.
[] I've called someone else an idiot.
[] I've owned a spice girls cd.
[] I've owned a Britney spears cd
[ ] I've owned an NSYNC cd.
[] I've owned a Backstreet Boys cd.
[34] I've cried myself to sleep.
[35] I've had (or have) pets.
[] I've mooned someone.
[] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[36] I've been in the newspaper.
[37] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[] I've eaten sushi.
[38 ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[ ] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies. I have been in the room when all of them have been playing, multiple times.
[ ] I've watched all of the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[] I've watched "Newly weds" Nick & Jessica.
[39] I've watched Looney tunes
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker
[] I've been called a geek
[] I've studied hard for a test and gotten a bad grade.
[40] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it
[] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hrs.
[41] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[42] I've written poetry one of my creative outlets and worship tools
[43]I've been arrested My ex husband told me he'd paid my traffic ticket, he hadn't ... I found out when I got pulled over .... I was fit to be tied!
[] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[44] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[45] I've had/have siblings.
[] I've been to a rock concert.
[46] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[47] I've been in a play.
[48] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[] I've laughed so hard I've farted. If I'm laughing that hard, I'm not paying attention to that!
[49] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[50] I've cried in front of my friends. not for a long time
[ 51] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[52 ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska
[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[] I've had a fight with someone on AIM/MSN/etc.
[] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[53] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[54] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[55] I've been forgiven.
[] Ive screamed at a scary movie.
[] I've cried at a chick flick.
[56] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[57] I've screamed at the top of my lungs when my step dad died, and not since
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.
[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[58] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[59] I've driven on the highway
[60] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day
[61] I've been in a car accident
[62] I've been homesick
[63] I've thrown up
[64] I've puked all over someone.
[65]Ive been horseback riding.
[] I've spoken my mind in public
[65] I've proven someone wrong.
[66] Ive been proven wrong by someone
[ 66] I've broken a leg.
[67 ] I've broken an arm.
[69] I've fallen off a swing
[70] ive swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight
[71] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[] I've lost my backpack.
[72] I've come close to dying. more than once
[] I've seen someone die. found someone who'd died, but not seen someone die
[73] I've known someone who has died. too many
[] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[] I've forgotten to brush my teeth one morning.
[74] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[75] I've realized how good my life is.
76] I've counted my blessings.
[77] I've made fun of a classmate. would calling her Nellie Olsen count?
[] I've slapped someone in the face.
[78] I've been skateboarding.
[79] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[80] I've lied to someone to their face. anyone with an eating disorder has done this.
[81] I've told a little white lie.
[] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[82] I've fainted.another eating disordered related activity
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether or notcheerleading is a sport.
[83] I've pushed someone into a pool. my sister, it shouldn't count.
[84] I've been pushed into a pool. it was my sister, but it definitely counts!
Now take the last number and post it as "I have lived through (blank) out of 155 things"
I have lived through 84 things.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Springtime
Pearls and Dreams
It's springtime. Springtime will always bring memories of my step dad, my Daddy. Ok I might as well face it, just about anything will bring up memories of him. He was rather precious to me.
But springtime. He loved to garden.
Where I grew up, in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada's, right outside of Yosemite National Park, we had 2 acres. A large part of that 2 acres was our vegetable garden.
It was the responsibility of Daddy and me to make sure it got planted, weeded and harvested. From the first year we lived there, till we moved away when I was in the 8th grade. It was our garden.
When I was little, 1st grade, I didn't quite get all that gardening took. I understood quite a bit about things, and occasionally, my parents assumed I knew things I didn't know ..Which usually lead to trouble.
In the case of gardening, it was no exception.
Dad and I worked hard to work the soil. It hadn't been used as a garden before, so lots of tilling had to be done. We had to till it a couple of times to make sure it was ready to grow the vegetables we were going to plant. Then we had to make the rows. Each row, was slightly different than the other, it would depend on what vegetable was going to go where. Some rows were farther apart than others. Very narrow rows where the radishes, carrots, green onions go, but very wide where the squash, pumpkins, and eggplant goes.
We had the ground tilled, the rows made, then we went in and made individual little 'pockets in the ground. "not necessarily necessary, but just a bit of extra depth" Dad would say, each year. That year, I had no clue what he meant.
Then, we'd walk by each row, and stick a stick at the end of the row. On the stick, was a packet of seeds(empty) with what was going to go into that row so we'd know what we were growing there. I had fun doing that. Daddy held the stick while I pounded the stick into the ground.
Then Dad grabbed the full packets of seeds and put them in his pockets, he started to walk down the rows, but he was trailing the seeds behind him!!! Oh NO! We can't have that! We'll LOOSE THEM ALL!!
Down the squash row, down the onion rows, down the radish rows, carrots and cucumber rows, we get half way down the tomato rows and I burst into tears. Daddy turned around and said "Darling! What's wrong!"
He sees me with my hands full of seeds and I see his eyes about pop out of his head, but his voice stays calm. I cry and cry "I tried to save all your seeds, but my hands are too small!"
My Daddy picked me up and hugged me and decided to explain gardening to me, start to finish.
We took 3 rows, and planted the mishmash of seeds to see what would happen. We called it 'mixed vegetables'. Then, we started over with re - planting the other rows.
Very few of the veggies in the mixed vegetables grew, except the radishes. That became my favorite in the garden. From then on, every year, the radishes were my responsibility. Start to finish. No one was allowed to harvest them but me. It's funny now, but Mom and Dad would serve radishes at the table on a day that I hadn't 'given my permission' and they'd tell me that they'd gone to the store and I'd actually buy that story ! (the things parents will tell kids to keep their smiles on their faces!)
I miss Daddy. I know why I can understand God's love for us though. Daddy did such a thorough job of showing me ... Sometimes God goes in front of us, having planned it all out carefully, and all we have to do is follow in his footsteps, but we're afraid he's not doing it right, that he's dropping something. So we have to help him. So we pick up the seeds he's sowing. We keep picking them up until we're so desperate and we're exhausted we have no choice but to cry out "Abba!My hands are too small!"
And Abba Father will pick us up, hold us in his arms. Then he'll take us, help us replant those mishmash seeds to watch it grow. Then we can see what crop shows up. Somehow, with childlike wonder, we will latch onto that harvest with a passion that will carry us through. It might even become something that is precious to us forever. I wrote a poem a long time ago about this, but blogger is being stubborn today and won't let me post it in format. So, if you'll go back to this post from last Father's Day, you can read the poem.
It's springtime. Springtime will always bring memories of my step dad, my Daddy. Ok I might as well face it, just about anything will bring up memories of him. He was rather precious to me.
But springtime. He loved to garden.
Where I grew up, in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada's, right outside of Yosemite National Park, we had 2 acres. A large part of that 2 acres was our vegetable garden.
It was the responsibility of Daddy and me to make sure it got planted, weeded and harvested. From the first year we lived there, till we moved away when I was in the 8th grade. It was our garden.
When I was little, 1st grade, I didn't quite get all that gardening took. I understood quite a bit about things, and occasionally, my parents assumed I knew things I didn't know ..Which usually lead to trouble.
In the case of gardening, it was no exception.
Dad and I worked hard to work the soil. It hadn't been used as a garden before, so lots of tilling had to be done. We had to till it a couple of times to make sure it was ready to grow the vegetables we were going to plant. Then we had to make the rows. Each row, was slightly different than the other, it would depend on what vegetable was going to go where. Some rows were farther apart than others. Very narrow rows where the radishes, carrots, green onions go, but very wide where the squash, pumpkins, and eggplant goes.
We had the ground tilled, the rows made, then we went in and made individual little 'pockets in the ground. "not necessarily necessary, but just a bit of extra depth" Dad would say, each year. That year, I had no clue what he meant.
Then, we'd walk by each row, and stick a stick at the end of the row. On the stick, was a packet of seeds(empty) with what was going to go into that row so we'd know what we were growing there. I had fun doing that. Daddy held the stick while I pounded the stick into the ground.
Then Dad grabbed the full packets of seeds and put them in his pockets, he started to walk down the rows, but he was trailing the seeds behind him!!! Oh NO! We can't have that! We'll LOOSE THEM ALL!!
Down the squash row, down the onion rows, down the radish rows, carrots and cucumber rows, we get half way down the tomato rows and I burst into tears. Daddy turned around and said "Darling! What's wrong!"
He sees me with my hands full of seeds and I see his eyes about pop out of his head, but his voice stays calm. I cry and cry "I tried to save all your seeds, but my hands are too small!"
My Daddy picked me up and hugged me and decided to explain gardening to me, start to finish.
We took 3 rows, and planted the mishmash of seeds to see what would happen. We called it 'mixed vegetables'. Then, we started over with re - planting the other rows.
Very few of the veggies in the mixed vegetables grew, except the radishes. That became my favorite in the garden. From then on, every year, the radishes were my responsibility. Start to finish. No one was allowed to harvest them but me. It's funny now, but Mom and Dad would serve radishes at the table on a day that I hadn't 'given my permission' and they'd tell me that they'd gone to the store and I'd actually buy that story ! (the things parents will tell kids to keep their smiles on their faces!)
I miss Daddy. I know why I can understand God's love for us though. Daddy did such a thorough job of showing me ... Sometimes God goes in front of us, having planned it all out carefully, and all we have to do is follow in his footsteps, but we're afraid he's not doing it right, that he's dropping something. So we have to help him. So we pick up the seeds he's sowing. We keep picking them up until we're so desperate and we're exhausted we have no choice but to cry out "Abba!My hands are too small!"
And Abba Father will pick us up, hold us in his arms. Then he'll take us, help us replant those mishmash seeds to watch it grow. Then we can see what crop shows up. Somehow, with childlike wonder, we will latch onto that harvest with a passion that will carry us through. It might even become something that is precious to us forever. I wrote a poem a long time ago about this, but blogger is being stubborn today and won't let me post it in format. So, if you'll go back to this post from last Father's Day, you can read the poem.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
home again
They wound up keeping me. Neither my PCP nor ortho doc quite agreed with my neurologist. Instead of admitting me for myasthenia gravis, as always done in the past, they admitted me for 'complicated medical history'. Well pfthpt. It was probably just as well. I wound up getting sick and needing to be taken care of all night. The round of "I told you so" from family and friends was not shy in coming! The first day, I had no use of my left arm, and because of where they put the IV, I had no use of my right arm. So embarrasing! Anyway. PT came in before I left and told me what all they'd done. By this time, they'd removed the IV from my right wrist and I had use of my right hand again. Then was told I could use my arm as tolerated, but not if it caused PAIN. So, she showed me a couple of exercises ..to which she had to tell me 3 times to slow it down take it easy. opps. What he did was the planned, bone spur removal, put the bursa back into place, cleaned up some arthritis, and then he found a nerve was compressed and had to make more space for the nerve, so he unpinched the nerve, got that stituation, and in order to keep it from being pinched again, he had to remove the end of my clavical bone. YEOCH! But, I'm home, on morphine pump for another day or so. I am on phenergan for the nausea that errupted so seriously in the hospital. taking it easy. OHHHH so glad to be home. My roommate was quite the interesting roomate. Let's not go there. Once again, I found myself sharing my faith with nurses and nurses aids ...because they asked me "how can you be like this?" (positive) One nurse just outright asked "what church do you go to?" I looked at her funny, I hadn't said anything to her. She said "come on, I can tell by the way you behave, you have Christ in you. What church do you go to?" WOW! I was thrilled to be asked in that manner! We started sharing. She asked me if I believed in miracles. I shared with her a few that had happened in my life (my marriage, my Bj etc) and she said she was encouraged, she said that it was 'good for me to talk to you today. What an honor. She is foreign, but I didn't find out what part of the world she came from. She would only talk about being from California. Fresno. I got to tell her I'm from Mariposa without her having to say "where's that?" :) I am home, and will now go lay back down and rest. Thank you all for your prayers, they mean oh so much to me!
Monday, April 03, 2006
Count Down
Pearls and Dreams My surgery is scheduled for 6:15 at Hillcrest. I am always scheduled for inpatient, because of the possible complications with the myasthenia gravis. Today, at 4:15, my mother calls me and says that the pcp's office is trying to call me and has been trying all day, but has been unable to reach me. Allegedly, she'd tried to call me until 1 and got only a busy signal, and then tried on my cell phone and it was disconnected.(same receptionist who got annoyed with me last Wednesday when I gave her time and date for surgery and told her to let Dr. Shaw know, and remind her that ortho would be handing me off to her to admit, her response at the time was "call me dumb, but why are you not being done outpatient? why is this our problem?"
At any rate, the doctor was going to be off, and would be unable to admit me after my surgery, so I would need to call neurologist to admit me following the surgery for management of my MG.
First, no one had been on the phone all morning, and there had been 4 messages left on my answering machine. There is no way that she called 'several times' and got a busy signal. Second, cell phone is functioning fine ...and I'd gotten 6 phone calls on it this afternoon ... plus mom got through to give me message doc wasn't going to be there.
So I called the doc's office and receptionist who seemed shocked to hear from me. I informed her that both my phones have been working fine. I told her that there had been plenty of others who had reached me and no reason why she couldn't have. That 3 other doctor's the pharmacy and 2 friends had gotten through on my cellphone.
She said "Well , it doesn't matter, here's the situation"
So, I asked her to call the neuro's office, in addition to me calling the neuro's office. I did, and explained it to the nurse who I've dealt with for 14 years. She said that neuro doesn't admit unless it's his direct admit. I told her who at PCP's office waited till after 4 pm on the day before a 6:15 AM surgery to get this taken care of and her response was "oh that's a huge surprise! Like this is the first time she's caused this kind of chaos?"
We talked a bit, and she said that she did not think that he would admit me ...period. I had to be admitted and he had to be called in as consult. The ortho has to admit me and call him in as consult, or PCP does. Ortho had said he doesn't manage MG and will hand me off, not admit me.
So I called PCP's office back and told receptionist, she said that PCP would talk to neuro if necessary. By this time, it's 4:45 and I'm shaking ... worried.
I finally call the ortho's office and tell the surgery scheduler, she says "no biggie, he can admit you then call Dr. M, or if necessary, call the hospitalist who will call Dr. M, don't worry, you'll be admitted one way or the other and taken care of"
Suddenly, I could breathe.
I called my mom to tell her it was all worked out. I was going to call the PCP's office to tell her after I called my mom, but the phone rang while I was talking to mom (cell phone) PCP's office (huh? works now huh?) and she says that the PCP talked to neuro
He felt that my MG was stable enough that I would not need to be admitted!
huh?
Escuse me?
So, the plan ... to put me in recovery room to watch me, and then send me home if I'm ok. If not, they'll call PCP and she'll admit me by phone, then call in neuro to consult/manage.
PCP, is planning on admit because she doesn't think Pk will be ok. Ortho thinks Pk will need admit.
Fine, BUT Pk thought Pk would make it through surgery without needing admitting last June (Pk was wrong, but it was knee surgery and I had to be strong enough to not just walk, but walk on operated knee!)
WHOO HOO! I may be coming home tomorrow.
So, I may or may not be spending tomorrow night in Hillcrest medical center. :) Hopefully, home.
My husband is pitching a fit because he can't imagine it, but he doesn't live in my body and he doesn't realize that MOST of what gets to me these days is not my MG, but my lupus. I don't need to be admitted because of lupus complications but MG complications. MG OK ... then I don't need to stay.
At any rate, the doctor was going to be off, and would be unable to admit me after my surgery, so I would need to call neurologist to admit me following the surgery for management of my MG.
First, no one had been on the phone all morning, and there had been 4 messages left on my answering machine. There is no way that she called 'several times' and got a busy signal. Second, cell phone is functioning fine ...and I'd gotten 6 phone calls on it this afternoon ... plus mom got through to give me message doc wasn't going to be there.
So I called the doc's office and receptionist who seemed shocked to hear from me. I informed her that both my phones have been working fine. I told her that there had been plenty of others who had reached me and no reason why she couldn't have. That 3 other doctor's the pharmacy and 2 friends had gotten through on my cellphone.
She said "Well , it doesn't matter, here's the situation"
So, I asked her to call the neuro's office, in addition to me calling the neuro's office. I did, and explained it to the nurse who I've dealt with for 14 years. She said that neuro doesn't admit unless it's his direct admit. I told her who at PCP's office waited till after 4 pm on the day before a 6:15 AM surgery to get this taken care of and her response was "oh that's a huge surprise! Like this is the first time she's caused this kind of chaos?"
We talked a bit, and she said that she did not think that he would admit me ...period. I had to be admitted and he had to be called in as consult. The ortho has to admit me and call him in as consult, or PCP does. Ortho had said he doesn't manage MG and will hand me off, not admit me.
So I called PCP's office back and told receptionist, she said that PCP would talk to neuro if necessary. By this time, it's 4:45 and I'm shaking ... worried.
I finally call the ortho's office and tell the surgery scheduler, she says "no biggie, he can admit you then call Dr. M, or if necessary, call the hospitalist who will call Dr. M, don't worry, you'll be admitted one way or the other and taken care of"
Suddenly, I could breathe.
I called my mom to tell her it was all worked out. I was going to call the PCP's office to tell her after I called my mom, but the phone rang while I was talking to mom (cell phone) PCP's office (huh? works now huh?) and she says that the PCP talked to neuro
He felt that my MG was stable enough that I would not need to be admitted!
huh?
Escuse me?
So, the plan ... to put me in recovery room to watch me, and then send me home if I'm ok. If not, they'll call PCP and she'll admit me by phone, then call in neuro to consult/manage.
PCP, is planning on admit because she doesn't think Pk will be ok. Ortho thinks Pk will need admit.
Fine, BUT Pk thought Pk would make it through surgery without needing admitting last June (Pk was wrong, but it was knee surgery and I had to be strong enough to not just walk, but walk on operated knee!)
WHOO HOO! I may be coming home tomorrow.
So, I may or may not be spending tomorrow night in Hillcrest medical center. :) Hopefully, home.
My husband is pitching a fit because he can't imagine it, but he doesn't live in my body and he doesn't realize that MOST of what gets to me these days is not my MG, but my lupus. I don't need to be admitted because of lupus complications but MG complications. MG OK ... then I don't need to stay.
Tag I'm It
Pearls and Dreams
Having volunteered on http://jansneurotic.blogspot.com/ and Big Mamma Doc (how's that for killing two birds with one stone?) to be tagged ...here's today's tagged blog.
4 Jobs I Have Had In My Life:
Waitress,
Sonic Carhop (incredible tips!)
Preschool teacher
Interpreter for the deaf
4 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
Gone With the Wind
Fiddler on the Roof
M*A*S*H* (movie or series (grin)
First Knight
4 Websites I visit regularly
Crosswalk.com
Favorite Blogs (of coarse)
After Silence
Starting Over
4 of my Favorite Foods
ok, maybe my eating disorder is rearing it's head, I can't think of a thing to put in this category ... my instinct is to say I don't like food ...does this mean I'm in trouble?
hmmm
Skim chocolate milk
Coffee
Egg sandwich
Tomato
4 Places I Would Rather Be Right
Half Dome in Yosemite National Park
Bridal Veil Falls in Yosemite National Park
Yosemite Valley in Yosemite National Park
Yosemite Falls in Yosemite National Park
(hmm running theme there)
4 Most Wonderful Places I Have
Yosemite National Park
Mariposa California
Midpines California
Yosemite Valley, Yosemite National Park
4 Books I Could Read Over and Over
The Great House of God, Max Lucado
Chronicals of Narnia
Edge of Eternity, Randy Alcorn
Screwtape Letters
4Reasons I Blog
Keeps me thinking
Gives me a place to 'think with my fingers'
A way to practice my writing
A way to communicate with those outside my normal circle of influence.
4 People To Tag
I'm with everyone else on this ... please volunteer :)
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Do you ever wonder?
Pearls and Dreams
Do you ever look at your counter stats and wonder if someone you know has found your blog? That's happened to me ...twice in 24 hours. Someone did a search on my husband's name. Was it a family member that we know? His brother or sister from out of state? His sister here? (hello? comment, email ... something ...)
Was it an old high school friend of his, or an old girlfriend (if so, leave a comment or email me, cause I know that he'd love to know he was being searched out .. PearlsOfAnEagle@aol.com)
Then there was the hit from a small unheard of town in another state. Only, I'd heard of the town. I have a brother there. Curious, was it a coincidence? Was it my brother? So, followed the link that the person clicked in ...and it led back to February of last year ... where the post about my step father's suicide (his father) ... Curiouser and Curiouser ... Mr Brother ...is that you? Do I owe you yet another cherry pie? Commenting or emailing me and saying you'd visited would have been nice ... ;)
Hey, while I'm thinking about it ... if you're a reader who comes, but doesn't comment, leave a comment to tell me where you're from, and what brought you here ... if you've just surfed by ... tell me what wave brought you in.
This is not an annonymous blog, by any means, so being found out was always a possibility. I've been found by people in my own town ... coincidentally we've read the same blogs by people in other places around the country and wound up reading each others ... it just is amazing how small this large world really is. Mr Disney had it right all along. I wonder what he'd think of how small the world is after all.
I'm amazed at the things that I find in common with people ..from where we live ... to interests ... to hidden fears ... sometimes we can get feeling so alone and that the world is a huge place that we'll get lost before we even reach the end of our block.
Then we get on the internet and find The Journey or Arthritis Rants or Dogscatskidslife and the strange things that bring us together. TJ and I found a strange thing in common this week in her kids going to a competition that I competed in 20 some odd years ago!
So, today, I'm contemplating how big, and how small the world is at the same time. I can go years between seeing my brother's face ... much too long. Yet ... talk to people all over the world on a daily basis ... I could talk to him too if he'd answer an email or two (hint: if this wasn't MHP but related to MHP tell MHP about this site)
It truly is a small world after all.
Do you ever look at your counter stats and wonder if someone you know has found your blog? That's happened to me ...twice in 24 hours. Someone did a search on my husband's name. Was it a family member that we know? His brother or sister from out of state? His sister here? (hello? comment, email ... something ...)
Was it an old high school friend of his, or an old girlfriend (if so, leave a comment or email me, cause I know that he'd love to know he was being searched out .. PearlsOfAnEagle@aol.com)
Then there was the hit from a small unheard of town in another state. Only, I'd heard of the town. I have a brother there. Curious, was it a coincidence? Was it my brother? So, followed the link that the person clicked in ...and it led back to February of last year ... where the post about my step father's suicide (his father) ... Curiouser and Curiouser ... Mr Brother ...is that you? Do I owe you yet another cherry pie? Commenting or emailing me and saying you'd visited would have been nice ... ;)
Hey, while I'm thinking about it ... if you're a reader who comes, but doesn't comment, leave a comment to tell me where you're from, and what brought you here ... if you've just surfed by ... tell me what wave brought you in.
This is not an annonymous blog, by any means, so being found out was always a possibility. I've been found by people in my own town ... coincidentally we've read the same blogs by people in other places around the country and wound up reading each others ... it just is amazing how small this large world really is. Mr Disney had it right all along. I wonder what he'd think of how small the world is after all.
I'm amazed at the things that I find in common with people ..from where we live ... to interests ... to hidden fears ... sometimes we can get feeling so alone and that the world is a huge place that we'll get lost before we even reach the end of our block.
Then we get on the internet and find The Journey or Arthritis Rants or Dogscatskidslife and the strange things that bring us together. TJ and I found a strange thing in common this week in her kids going to a competition that I competed in 20 some odd years ago!
So, today, I'm contemplating how big, and how small the world is at the same time. I can go years between seeing my brother's face ... much too long. Yet ... talk to people all over the world on a daily basis ... I could talk to him too if he'd answer an email or two (hint: if this wasn't MHP but related to MHP tell MHP about this site)
It truly is a small world after all.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
I promise
Pearls and Dreams I promise ... a more upbeat posting tomorrow. Something a little more along the lines expected at Pearls and Dreams :) I have something brewing in my mind. In the meantime ... I will leave you with a quote ... "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."~ Marianne Williamson
Saturday Thoughts
Pearls and Dreams
It's Saturday afternoon. A lazy day today. I slept in, and in stark contrast to last weekend ... I don't have a lot that I have to do other than some preparations for surgery on Tuesday. Making sure I have enough laundry clean to get me through till ..whenever.
Over the last several weeks, my brain had been going full force with idea's. It does that occassionally. I get a burst of energy ... and I start to wonder ... if I could find a way to take care of the insurance part of the medical care of being on disability ... could I get off of it?
I convince myself, that I am only on it because I need the medical care and medication coverage. Since I am on 17 medications, and several of them cost several hundred each ...it becomes overwhelming without help. Quickly.
So, there I am, in March, convinced my reason for being on disability is that I am in need of the medical coverage. I am going full speed ahead ... taking care of my family, volunteering at my church. Writing stuff trying to get stuff ready to sell to publications, and writing materials for my women's sunday school class.
I show up at the church several days a week ... and do stuff there ... as well as taking off for a full day conference out of town ...then spend the next day at church running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Monday is followed by a meeting with our associate pastor.
I came home from the meeting with the pastor, and ... crashed. I went to sleep ... I got up Tuesday and went to my rheumatologist appointment, and spent some time on line ... and the rest, laying down. I went Wednesday to my orthopedics office for my pre op, and to the hospital for pre registration ... I did my normal wednesday stuff at church ... and I was dragging the whole time.
Thursday, I slept in ... and wound up taking a nap in the evening. Friday, I slept in. I went to lunch with my husband ... and came home and took a nap, and then spent some time on line, and then took another nap. Today, I slept in till 1 pm!!! It is now 3 pm and I'm wishing I'd never gotten up.
My body is dragging. It is due in part to the amount of pain from lack of anti inflammatories. It is mostly due to the fact that I keep trying to pretend that I have a normal body, that I can keep up with my healthy friends. I go and I go and I go and I CRASH.
This month, my doctor ran an ANA, anti DNA and other such lovely tests on me ... they were stable. The lupus feels like it's worsening and I keep having flares. Horrible flares. That keep making them increase my prednisone. So, when I asked the rheumatologist about it Tuesday he said "Sounds to me like a behavioral issue."
Grrrrr
It's not that they want me to lay around and act like a sickly person ... THEY DON'T ... they just would prefer some balance to my life ... some reality checks that don't come in the form of a flare or a crash because I've pretended that I'm normal and I can keep up with everyone else. I can't. Pure and simple.
Normal, healthy people don't take 17 medications. Normal healthy people don't fall for no reason.
Normal healthy people don't have 15 doctors.
Normal healthy people don't crash for 10 days because of 4 days of busyness.
I have got to find a way to keep a lifestyle that keeps my brain active and happy ... and yet allows my body to get the rest it needs. It's not fair to my family to have me crashing every 3 to 5 weeks like this. (yep, it's that often, and the recovery time is 10 days to 2 weeks ..do the math)
Surely there is a way to do what I feel I need to do, want to do, and yet, get the rest I need daily, so that I don't crash every few weeks ?????
It's Saturday afternoon. A lazy day today. I slept in, and in stark contrast to last weekend ... I don't have a lot that I have to do other than some preparations for surgery on Tuesday. Making sure I have enough laundry clean to get me through till ..whenever.
Over the last several weeks, my brain had been going full force with idea's. It does that occassionally. I get a burst of energy ... and I start to wonder ... if I could find a way to take care of the insurance part of the medical care of being on disability ... could I get off of it?
I convince myself, that I am only on it because I need the medical care and medication coverage. Since I am on 17 medications, and several of them cost several hundred each ...it becomes overwhelming without help. Quickly.
So, there I am, in March, convinced my reason for being on disability is that I am in need of the medical coverage. I am going full speed ahead ... taking care of my family, volunteering at my church. Writing stuff trying to get stuff ready to sell to publications, and writing materials for my women's sunday school class.
I show up at the church several days a week ... and do stuff there ... as well as taking off for a full day conference out of town ...then spend the next day at church running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Monday is followed by a meeting with our associate pastor.
I came home from the meeting with the pastor, and ... crashed. I went to sleep ... I got up Tuesday and went to my rheumatologist appointment, and spent some time on line ... and the rest, laying down. I went Wednesday to my orthopedics office for my pre op, and to the hospital for pre registration ... I did my normal wednesday stuff at church ... and I was dragging the whole time.
Thursday, I slept in ... and wound up taking a nap in the evening. Friday, I slept in. I went to lunch with my husband ... and came home and took a nap, and then spent some time on line, and then took another nap. Today, I slept in till 1 pm!!! It is now 3 pm and I'm wishing I'd never gotten up.
My body is dragging. It is due in part to the amount of pain from lack of anti inflammatories. It is mostly due to the fact that I keep trying to pretend that I have a normal body, that I can keep up with my healthy friends. I go and I go and I go and I CRASH.
This month, my doctor ran an ANA, anti DNA and other such lovely tests on me ... they were stable. The lupus feels like it's worsening and I keep having flares. Horrible flares. That keep making them increase my prednisone. So, when I asked the rheumatologist about it Tuesday he said "Sounds to me like a behavioral issue."
Grrrrr
It's not that they want me to lay around and act like a sickly person ... THEY DON'T ... they just would prefer some balance to my life ... some reality checks that don't come in the form of a flare or a crash because I've pretended that I'm normal and I can keep up with everyone else. I can't. Pure and simple.
Normal, healthy people don't take 17 medications. Normal healthy people don't fall for no reason.
Normal healthy people don't have 15 doctors.
Normal healthy people don't crash for 10 days because of 4 days of busyness.
I have got to find a way to keep a lifestyle that keeps my brain active and happy ... and yet allows my body to get the rest it needs. It's not fair to my family to have me crashing every 3 to 5 weeks like this. (yep, it's that often, and the recovery time is 10 days to 2 weeks ..do the math)
Surely there is a way to do what I feel I need to do, want to do, and yet, get the rest I need daily, so that I don't crash every few weeks ?????
Thursday, March 30, 2006
gripes
Pearls and Dreams
Just a short post to say ... prednisone is a miracle drug ... and celebrex is my friend.
The fact that they have to be discontinued before surgeries is a cruel thing.
I spend half my time when taking them thinking that I'm putting worthless chemicals into my system for naught because they don't work.
Then I have to have a procedure or surgery that requires me to go off them ...and I find out just how much they do, in fact, work ...which is, quite well. EXTREMELY WELL!
I seem to remember having this rant on this blog last June before my knee surgery. Tuesday ... it will all be over Tuesday ... then my shoulder will be fixed and I can have my beloved prednisone back!
Just a short post to say ... prednisone is a miracle drug ... and celebrex is my friend.
The fact that they have to be discontinued before surgeries is a cruel thing.
I spend half my time when taking them thinking that I'm putting worthless chemicals into my system for naught because they don't work.
Then I have to have a procedure or surgery that requires me to go off them ...and I find out just how much they do, in fact, work ...which is, quite well. EXTREMELY WELL!
I seem to remember having this rant on this blog last June before my knee surgery. Tuesday ... it will all be over Tuesday ... then my shoulder will be fixed and I can have my beloved prednisone back!
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
In a couple of weeks, we may be making a quick decision on Bj and homeschooling. His IEP meeting is at 1:30 in the afternoon. In the more than 10 years that I've been dealing with this district, not once have they agreed to meet, much less ASKED to meet DURING school hours. Not really sure what to think about this. They've asked to allow 90 minutes for this IEP. Granted, it is a Transitional IEP (our first) with one that will include testing review ... I'm not sure it's the year for testing, but I'm agreeing to testing anyway because I think they need to do it. I think it's only been 2 years, not the 3. But, they may need to do it because it's a transitional year.
My concern, some of the questions on the questionairre, make it look like they may be planning on transitioning him out of special education. Excuse me, he's FAILING special education classes! Hello? Please tell me this is a standard form!
Please tell me they do remember that I will not fight for the sake of fighting, but I am who I AM! I do know what I am doing ...and I will use that knowlege and experience ...and the special ed director will not fight with me either ..because she's learned that I'm not about the fight, I'm about appropriate education of my child and I understand the fight.
I hate IEP's in this district! If I hear one more time that we modify for the whole class and not for individual children, I think I might have to throw up on them! ARGH!!!!!!
YOU MUST FOLLOW THE IEP!
Thankfully, later that day, is a meeting with my other sons enrollment counselor for the high school. Given his grades, progress and ambition, and the fact that the school district caters to kids like him ... it will be a nice end to the day.
I still don't understand it. They are willing to bend over backwards to help my son who really doesn't need their help. The one who would succeed if you stuck him in a room with little resources (I know this from having homeschooled him on little income and having him succeed rather well) and just kind of guided him ... but my child who REALLY needs their help ... they don't want to help.
The Superintendent of the school acutally said, in public, on the news that if it were up to her, they would not have a special education program and they would focus on the gifted program. Then refused to apologise to the parents who she offended. She couldn't figure out why there was an outcry either.
Spend $50,000 on a tailgate football party (yes, they did ..granted, the football team was state champs that year) and stand there and say that you wish you didn't have to provide special education services ... then ask the parents of kids under IEP's to trust you ... and it's not going to happen.
I don't want the world for my son ...just follow the IEP! It doesn't ask for the moon.
In a couple of weeks, we may be making a quick decision on Bj and homeschooling. His IEP meeting is at 1:30 in the afternoon. In the more than 10 years that I've been dealing with this district, not once have they agreed to meet, much less ASKED to meet DURING school hours. Not really sure what to think about this. They've asked to allow 90 minutes for this IEP. Granted, it is a Transitional IEP (our first) with one that will include testing review ... I'm not sure it's the year for testing, but I'm agreeing to testing anyway because I think they need to do it. I think it's only been 2 years, not the 3. But, they may need to do it because it's a transitional year.
My concern, some of the questions on the questionairre, make it look like they may be planning on transitioning him out of special education. Excuse me, he's FAILING special education classes! Hello? Please tell me this is a standard form!
Please tell me they do remember that I will not fight for the sake of fighting, but I am who I AM! I do know what I am doing ...and I will use that knowlege and experience ...and the special ed director will not fight with me either ..because she's learned that I'm not about the fight, I'm about appropriate education of my child and I understand the fight.
I hate IEP's in this district! If I hear one more time that we modify for the whole class and not for individual children, I think I might have to throw up on them! ARGH!!!!!!
YOU MUST FOLLOW THE IEP!
Thankfully, later that day, is a meeting with my other sons enrollment counselor for the high school. Given his grades, progress and ambition, and the fact that the school district caters to kids like him ... it will be a nice end to the day.
I still don't understand it. They are willing to bend over backwards to help my son who really doesn't need their help. The one who would succeed if you stuck him in a room with little resources (I know this from having homeschooled him on little income and having him succeed rather well) and just kind of guided him ... but my child who REALLY needs their help ... they don't want to help.
The Superintendent of the school acutally said, in public, on the news that if it were up to her, they would not have a special education program and they would focus on the gifted program. Then refused to apologise to the parents who she offended. She couldn't figure out why there was an outcry either.
Spend $50,000 on a tailgate football party (yes, they did ..granted, the football team was state champs that year) and stand there and say that you wish you didn't have to provide special education services ... then ask the parents of kids under IEP's to trust you ... and it's not going to happen.
I don't want the world for my son ...just follow the IEP! It doesn't ask for the moon.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Concepts and Practices
Pearls and Dreams
When I wrote the acronym Realize, I knew what I meant by Lay your heart at the feet of Jesus. I knew it was churchy language. I knew the concept I was intending. Since I had never planned on turning it into lessons, the idea that I would need to back this up scripturally never crossed my mind. The phrase is tossed around the church like tissue paper.
When I went to write the lesson out this morning, I was a bit nervous ... if this phrase was a current popular phrase ... it could get interesting ...
I went to my favorite Bible study site and hit search for the phrase "feet of Jesus" and discovered ... I had worried over nothing. I was not going to have to struggle to find scripture, but rather pick and choose.
The reasons for being at Jesus feet, varied from worship, to surrender, to ask for healing, to wash his feet, putting others at his feet for healing...
These were the practices and concepts I had in my mind ..what I hadn't quite realized was the scriptural references that they'd actually put them AT HIS FEET. (except for Mary washing Jesus' feet)
Funny how we can understand something, and yet, still not understand where the roots of it come from. Not a single scriptural reference, or story was a story I didn't know thouroughly ... I just hadn't quite put two and two together in my mind.
It was nice that it flowed together easily ...and yet, a bit disturbing to me that I hadn't known that I knew.
When I wrote the acronym Realize, I knew what I meant by Lay your heart at the feet of Jesus. I knew it was churchy language. I knew the concept I was intending. Since I had never planned on turning it into lessons, the idea that I would need to back this up scripturally never crossed my mind. The phrase is tossed around the church like tissue paper.
When I went to write the lesson out this morning, I was a bit nervous ... if this phrase was a current popular phrase ... it could get interesting ...
I went to my favorite Bible study site and hit search for the phrase "feet of Jesus" and discovered ... I had worried over nothing. I was not going to have to struggle to find scripture, but rather pick and choose.
The reasons for being at Jesus feet, varied from worship, to surrender, to ask for healing, to wash his feet, putting others at his feet for healing...
These were the practices and concepts I had in my mind ..what I hadn't quite realized was the scriptural references that they'd actually put them AT HIS FEET. (except for Mary washing Jesus' feet)
Funny how we can understand something, and yet, still not understand where the roots of it come from. Not a single scriptural reference, or story was a story I didn't know thouroughly ... I just hadn't quite put two and two together in my mind.
It was nice that it flowed together easily ...and yet, a bit disturbing to me that I hadn't known that I knew.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Cute Roly Poly Kitty
Pearls and Dreams
God did not mean for kittens to be only children.
They are meant to be at least twins, if not triplets or above.
Betsy is round, and still very shakey, and barely walking. She's over two weeks old now. She's doing better at holding her head up. My husband was very concerned. I had to remind him that, most kittens rough house and play with their siblings ...working their muscles, and developing necessary muscles. She, on the other hand, only has herself to play with ...not very stimulating.
Top that off with a mamma cat who is determined to keep her newborn ... she's at a severe disadvantage! She starts to walk away and Sugarfoot reaches out and plops a paw on her! Today, I caught Sugarfoot SITTING ON HER! I do see her wrestling to get out of Sugarfoot's paws at times. Poor baby :)
We're making a concerted effort every day, inspite of Sugarfoots protests, to make sure she gets some crawl time and play time.
Any suggestions for helping an only kitten develop would be more than welcome so this roly poly cow ..er kitten can develop into a cat rather than roly poly something or other.
God did not mean for kittens to be only children.
They are meant to be at least twins, if not triplets or above.
Betsy is round, and still very shakey, and barely walking. She's over two weeks old now. She's doing better at holding her head up. My husband was very concerned. I had to remind him that, most kittens rough house and play with their siblings ...working their muscles, and developing necessary muscles. She, on the other hand, only has herself to play with ...not very stimulating.
Top that off with a mamma cat who is determined to keep her newborn ... she's at a severe disadvantage! She starts to walk away and Sugarfoot reaches out and plops a paw on her! Today, I caught Sugarfoot SITTING ON HER! I do see her wrestling to get out of Sugarfoot's paws at times. Poor baby :)
We're making a concerted effort every day, inspite of Sugarfoots protests, to make sure she gets some crawl time and play time.
Any suggestions for helping an only kitten develop would be more than welcome so this roly poly cow ..er kitten can develop into a cat rather than roly poly something or other.
Monday, March 27, 2006
just poetry today
Pearls and Dreams
Instrument of Worship
by Peggikaye Eagler
The flute begins to play a pure sweet note,
The melody of praise to God’s ears float.
The oboe joins the lovely song,
Precious worship in music leads the throng.
Soon the clarinets rich tone enters in,
As people worship and repent of sin,
The jazzy saxophone glorious praise,
The music gets louder with each note raised.
The piano’s lovely melodious rhythm,
We worship the Christ that has risen,
Listen! Sweet strains of the violins strings,
The sounds of our praise in God’s ears ring.
The drums pounding out a resounding beat,
The heart of our praise lay at Jesus feet.
The trumpet roars it’s victorious blast!
As we praise our God,
For it’s His song that will last!
© Peggikaye Eagler
Instrument of Worship
by Peggikaye Eagler
The flute begins to play a pure sweet note,
The melody of praise to God’s ears float.
The oboe joins the lovely song,
Precious worship in music leads the throng.
Soon the clarinets rich tone enters in,
As people worship and repent of sin,
The jazzy saxophone glorious praise,
The music gets louder with each note raised.
The piano’s lovely melodious rhythm,
We worship the Christ that has risen,
Listen! Sweet strains of the violins strings,
The sounds of our praise in God’s ears ring.
The drums pounding out a resounding beat,
The heart of our praise lay at Jesus feet.
The trumpet roars it’s victorious blast!
As we praise our God,
For it’s His song that will last!
© Peggikaye Eagler
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Long Weekend :)
Pearls and Dreams
Friday night, got home to a computer that wasn't functioning. I didn't bother messing with it, I just went to bed, since I had to be up at an unreasonable time in the morning on Saturday.
Saturday I got up, and drove to pick up the girl who was riding with children's pastor and I to OKC. We arrived at her house as they were loading their vehicles, 6:55. I'm not used to arriving right on time ... but, I managed. I'm used to being too early. So, Michelle was probably relieved I was not there when she woke up at 5 am :).
We got on the road, and then dropped her cute little baby off at the grandparents. I was hoping the baby was coming with us, but realized the reality of it would probably not be that pleasant and that it was probably a good idea that the grandparents were watching. 7 month olds probably don't really want to ride in a car seat for half the day and left with strangers the other half. Just so friends can 'goo goo' at them while they're in the car seat.
The Church ... was INCREDIBLE ... HUGE ... beautiful as T.J. said in her comment to me. I had a blast going down there, and walking in, was fine. As soon as we walked in, off the elevator and took one look at the registration counter, I realized I was walking into a room of people I didn't know ... and it hit me I was out of my element and I don't like being out of my element!
GULP!
So ... the registration table wasn't ready for us to register, so we went on in, and found a seat, got a cup of coffee. Stephanie, the girl with us, grew up in this state, and in the Church of God, so she knew quite a few of the people there. I, knew Stephanie, and Michelle. GULP. GULP GULP!! Michelle suggested that she and I go find her classroom for the breakout session while Steph got caught up with a few people.
While walking down the hallway, I informed Michelle about my social anxiety disorder ... she didn't seem surprised. Which, surprised me!!!! hmmm. I thought I was better at hiding that than that! We found where she was supposed to go, and we looked through the schedule for the day. We talked about what classes she needed me to take while she was teaching ... and she promised to stick close to me as she could when she could.
Back to the main room, and to register. We started with a brainstorming session. Sitting at a table with 8 other women who I never met before ... it took me a while to jump into the brainstorming, but I finally did. We had to take items that are typically toys, and come up with ideas that could turn them into a Biblical object lesson for kids ministry. We had to use a Bible verse to back that up. I was able to throw out a few idea's, but not near as many as the actual children's minsiters sitting at my table. When it came time to turn it to scriptural application, suddenly ...I knew what I was talking about ... then we had to find verses ... and WHERE those verses were. ... Michelle, referred to me immediately! That, made me feel good. "Peggikaye will find it" :)
The breakout sessions were excellent. Even though I am not a fulltime volunteer in our children's ministry, I learned an awful lot to help our children's pastor. I also managed to glean an awful lot that would help me in my working towards development of a ministry with women. Especially wounded women. It was incredible how much applied to both!!
During the morning session that was everybody together. I wondered if the speaker was someone that the support pastor of our church had wanted me to talk to a few years ago after I'd written the REALIZE acronym ... just some of the stuff he was saying ... it just made me think he might be. When I went to the second break out session ... I became SURE it was him.
So, I missed the third break out session ... I introduced myself to him. I told him who I was, and that our support pastor had wanted me to talk to him a few years ago ..but I'd not been brave enough to do it then. I just happened to have the stuff still in my brief case from having taken it to small group friday night! I didn't mean to take it with me. I was annoyed with myself for NOT taking it out! I had no idea that this man was going to be there. God's appointment I guess. I gave him the acronymn. I also gave him the Sunday school curriculumn that I've been writing on the acronymn ... he was very excited ... and he started to add verses to it ... and got fired up ... like I do when I talk about it ... and I knew why LeeAnn wanted us to talk. :) He told me to keep writing. He told me to keep teaching women, and to keep writing the curriculumn for them. How encouraging!
The seminar finished and we talked about it all the way home. Some changes that we need/want to implement in our children's minsitry. Things I can do to help. Things that we're doing right ... things that can be better. Good time ... tiring time.
This morning ... the alarm went off and I couldn't figure out why it went off ... I went back to sleep ..thankfull 10 minutes later I remembered it was Sunday and I had to be at church at 8:15 to make sure all the musicians had their music! Some sundays, I just sit there.
This Sunday ... the guistarist forgot his music at home! He needed all new music! Our trumpet and Sax player brought an instrument he doesn't normally play and needed music for that instrument. It would not have been a good day to miss!
I also had an Adult Sunday School teacher's meeting. We were discussing how we're going to be better incorporating all that we do at the church in helping in times of crisis ... :) I knew we had a meeting, I didn't know that was the topic of the meeting. I have a meeting with support pastor tomorrow. She doesn't know that that is what the meeting is about ... to talk about the ministry on Dogscatskidslife webpage ... I spent an hour or so talking with the director of Shepherds of Love Ministries the other day ... so cool when people are all on the same page and don't know it!
I had to duck out of the meeting because I was also directing a skit for during the service. My two sons were in the skit with another family to introduce a family night coming up. Family Fit night. They had their lines memorized, the other family did, but they'd not gotten together to practice ... scary stuffs! They ran over it a few times ... and in the meantime ... Sunday School started. My class was meeting in the sanctuary so my 2 women who'd had surgery didn't have to sit in hard chairs. So, I was actually able to supervise my class AND direct ... Can we SAY MULTITASK???
the skit finished about half way through sunday school time ..and I was able to give my full attention to sunday school ...
By the time church started ... I think I was able to breathe a bit.
Then home to call AOL to fix problem ...only took an hour ...
Nap time?
Friday night, got home to a computer that wasn't functioning. I didn't bother messing with it, I just went to bed, since I had to be up at an unreasonable time in the morning on Saturday.
Saturday I got up, and drove to pick up the girl who was riding with children's pastor and I to OKC. We arrived at her house as they were loading their vehicles, 6:55. I'm not used to arriving right on time ... but, I managed. I'm used to being too early. So, Michelle was probably relieved I was not there when she woke up at 5 am :).
We got on the road, and then dropped her cute little baby off at the grandparents. I was hoping the baby was coming with us, but realized the reality of it would probably not be that pleasant and that it was probably a good idea that the grandparents were watching. 7 month olds probably don't really want to ride in a car seat for half the day and left with strangers the other half. Just so friends can 'goo goo' at them while they're in the car seat.
The Church ... was INCREDIBLE ... HUGE ... beautiful as T.J. said in her comment to me. I had a blast going down there, and walking in, was fine. As soon as we walked in, off the elevator and took one look at the registration counter, I realized I was walking into a room of people I didn't know ... and it hit me I was out of my element and I don't like being out of my element!
GULP!
So ... the registration table wasn't ready for us to register, so we went on in, and found a seat, got a cup of coffee. Stephanie, the girl with us, grew up in this state, and in the Church of God, so she knew quite a few of the people there. I, knew Stephanie, and Michelle. GULP. GULP GULP!! Michelle suggested that she and I go find her classroom for the breakout session while Steph got caught up with a few people.
While walking down the hallway, I informed Michelle about my social anxiety disorder ... she didn't seem surprised. Which, surprised me!!!! hmmm. I thought I was better at hiding that than that! We found where she was supposed to go, and we looked through the schedule for the day. We talked about what classes she needed me to take while she was teaching ... and she promised to stick close to me as she could when she could.
Back to the main room, and to register. We started with a brainstorming session. Sitting at a table with 8 other women who I never met before ... it took me a while to jump into the brainstorming, but I finally did. We had to take items that are typically toys, and come up with ideas that could turn them into a Biblical object lesson for kids ministry. We had to use a Bible verse to back that up. I was able to throw out a few idea's, but not near as many as the actual children's minsiters sitting at my table. When it came time to turn it to scriptural application, suddenly ...I knew what I was talking about ... then we had to find verses ... and WHERE those verses were. ... Michelle, referred to me immediately! That, made me feel good. "Peggikaye will find it" :)
The breakout sessions were excellent. Even though I am not a fulltime volunteer in our children's ministry, I learned an awful lot to help our children's pastor. I also managed to glean an awful lot that would help me in my working towards development of a ministry with women. Especially wounded women. It was incredible how much applied to both!!
During the morning session that was everybody together. I wondered if the speaker was someone that the support pastor of our church had wanted me to talk to a few years ago after I'd written the REALIZE acronym ... just some of the stuff he was saying ... it just made me think he might be. When I went to the second break out session ... I became SURE it was him.
So, I missed the third break out session ... I introduced myself to him. I told him who I was, and that our support pastor had wanted me to talk to him a few years ago ..but I'd not been brave enough to do it then. I just happened to have the stuff still in my brief case from having taken it to small group friday night! I didn't mean to take it with me. I was annoyed with myself for NOT taking it out! I had no idea that this man was going to be there. God's appointment I guess. I gave him the acronymn. I also gave him the Sunday school curriculumn that I've been writing on the acronymn ... he was very excited ... and he started to add verses to it ... and got fired up ... like I do when I talk about it ... and I knew why LeeAnn wanted us to talk. :) He told me to keep writing. He told me to keep teaching women, and to keep writing the curriculumn for them. How encouraging!
The seminar finished and we talked about it all the way home. Some changes that we need/want to implement in our children's minsitry. Things I can do to help. Things that we're doing right ... things that can be better. Good time ... tiring time.
This morning ... the alarm went off and I couldn't figure out why it went off ... I went back to sleep ..thankfull 10 minutes later I remembered it was Sunday and I had to be at church at 8:15 to make sure all the musicians had their music! Some sundays, I just sit there.
This Sunday ... the guistarist forgot his music at home! He needed all new music! Our trumpet and Sax player brought an instrument he doesn't normally play and needed music for that instrument. It would not have been a good day to miss!
I also had an Adult Sunday School teacher's meeting. We were discussing how we're going to be better incorporating all that we do at the church in helping in times of crisis ... :) I knew we had a meeting, I didn't know that was the topic of the meeting. I have a meeting with support pastor tomorrow. She doesn't know that that is what the meeting is about ... to talk about the ministry on Dogscatskidslife webpage ... I spent an hour or so talking with the director of Shepherds of Love Ministries the other day ... so cool when people are all on the same page and don't know it!
I had to duck out of the meeting because I was also directing a skit for during the service. My two sons were in the skit with another family to introduce a family night coming up. Family Fit night. They had their lines memorized, the other family did, but they'd not gotten together to practice ... scary stuffs! They ran over it a few times ... and in the meantime ... Sunday School started. My class was meeting in the sanctuary so my 2 women who'd had surgery didn't have to sit in hard chairs. So, I was actually able to supervise my class AND direct ... Can we SAY MULTITASK???
the skit finished about half way through sunday school time ..and I was able to give my full attention to sunday school ...
By the time church started ... I think I was able to breathe a bit.
Then home to call AOL to fix problem ...only took an hour ...
Nap time?
Friday, March 24, 2006
Interesting stuff
Pearls and Dreams
I find lots of interesting things on Dogscatskidslife's blog
I found this. Neat site. The seahorses ...are my brother's pets. Odd brother.
I'm still exploring the links on the side of dogscatskidslife blog, so I may come up with other stuff too :) Thanks T.J. :)
I find lots of interesting things on Dogscatskidslife's blog
I found this. Neat site. The seahorses ...are my brother's pets. Odd brother.
I'm still exploring the links on the side of dogscatskidslife blog, so I may come up with other stuff too :) Thanks T.J. :)
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Short Ponderings
Pearls and Dreams
I hope short anyway ;)
My cat that had the kitten has been teased about having "species identity crisis". We've joked that she doesn't know if she's a cat, an ostrich, monkey, bear, dog ... she behaves as if she's just about any animal on the planet.
It's only fitting that not only does her kitten have the markings of a cow, but she's as BIG as a cow ... this poor kitten is never going to walk, she's all body, her skinny little legs are never going to support this huge cow like body and head. Her eyes are open, round and she has a definite cowlike expression. Betsy, seems very fitting a name.
Saturday Morning, I go to Oklahoma City to a very big church. I haven't been to it. I'm going to a children's ministers conference that is being hosted by our State Board of Education (Church of God, Anderson,Indiana ..denomination)and it is being held at Crossings Community Church. I've been hearing about this church for years ..but I've never been. I feel like I'm going to see a celebrity or something. (grin) .
I need to remember to pick up their church newsletter, it has an article about a ministry on dogscatskidslife's blog that I'm very interested in ... I spent almost an hour back and forth emailing with the director last night. Now as long as I can remember to pick it up, and not get back here, open this blog, see this and THEN remember to get the newsletter!
I'm actually very excited to go to the workshop. It's just the children's pastor and I going. I wish there was more from the children's department besides the two of us going, but it will be a fun day ..and we should get lots of planning done between the two of us as well as lots of learning. Our children's pastor is one of the breakout session presenters. So, I will be attending breakout sessions to glean information for her.
Speaking of which, I should spend less time blogging, and more time editing the article I wrote for Children's Ministry Magazine ... it's not getting closer to submission till I make the changes ... hmmm
I hope short anyway ;)
My cat that had the kitten has been teased about having "species identity crisis". We've joked that she doesn't know if she's a cat, an ostrich, monkey, bear, dog ... she behaves as if she's just about any animal on the planet.
It's only fitting that not only does her kitten have the markings of a cow, but she's as BIG as a cow ... this poor kitten is never going to walk, she's all body, her skinny little legs are never going to support this huge cow like body and head. Her eyes are open, round and she has a definite cowlike expression. Betsy, seems very fitting a name.
Saturday Morning, I go to Oklahoma City to a very big church. I haven't been to it. I'm going to a children's ministers conference that is being hosted by our State Board of Education (Church of God, Anderson,Indiana ..denomination)and it is being held at Crossings Community Church. I've been hearing about this church for years ..but I've never been. I feel like I'm going to see a celebrity or something. (grin) .
I need to remember to pick up their church newsletter, it has an article about a ministry on dogscatskidslife's blog that I'm very interested in ... I spent almost an hour back and forth emailing with the director last night. Now as long as I can remember to pick it up, and not get back here, open this blog, see this and THEN remember to get the newsletter!
I'm actually very excited to go to the workshop. It's just the children's pastor and I going. I wish there was more from the children's department besides the two of us going, but it will be a fun day ..and we should get lots of planning done between the two of us as well as lots of learning. Our children's pastor is one of the breakout session presenters. So, I will be attending breakout sessions to glean information for her.
Speaking of which, I should spend less time blogging, and more time editing the article I wrote for Children's Ministry Magazine ... it's not getting closer to submission till I make the changes ... hmmm
Lesson Learned the hard way
Pearls and Dreams
I learned a long time ago how to forgive. How to thouroughly forgive. If necessary, over and over and over again. I took Jesus' words to forgive 7 x 70 to heart. When you don't like confrontation, you have 2 choices ... you either become very adept at forgiveness ... or ...you become bitter. I choose the former. It served me quite well ...or so I thought.
I have a friend who once told me that her greatest fear in our friendship, is that she would offend me, and she would never know it. (She's right). I took that as a compliment ..she did not mean it as a compliment.
When I was a teenager, I was in a Christian School, and our teacher spent a lot of time dealing with us on the verses Matthew 18:15-17 (this is the New Century Version)
15 "If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again. 16 But if he refuses to listen, go to him again and take one or two other people with you. 'Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him like a person who does not believe in God or like a tax collector. 18 "I tell you the truth, the things you don't allow on earth will be the things God does not allow. And the things you allow on earth will be the things that God allows
We, as a class, memorized the verses and spent weeks on the principal and the importance of these verses. The teacher was trying to cut down on the cliques, hurt feelings from gossip and general teenage angst in the school. It worked. We became a tight knit group, who learned to solve our problems Biblically, and to forgive and to work together to not hurt each other.
On with my adult life, I became more and more inside my shell ...interesting side note here ... I accidently typed ..inside myself and had to backspace ... hmm. Anyway ... I became more and more inside my shell ..and less and less able to confront those who had hurt me ...and chose to forgive those who hurt me rather than tell anyone.
I learned that most people usually hurt someone out of misconception, miscommunication or other such thing, rarely from intent ...so I just took that stance. Someone hurt me, they had no intention of doing so ..and on with life. They got the benifit of the doubt ... and I moved on.
They hurt me again. They didn't know they'd done it before, so how could they have known? They again, got the benifit of the doubt.
I could forgive someone ..forever this way. It was easier than confronting them, or becoming embittered.
I'd also learned that sometimes, uneasy friendship, can turn into good friendships this way. I've had some that have started out rocky, and my determination to forgive ..has allowed the communication to stay open and we've wound up with great friendships.
So ... recently, I had a conversation about the Matthew 18:15-17 ... I wasn't quite sure why the verse 15 was really necessary if you were able to forgive 7 times 70 ... what's the point of drawing attention to someone hurting you in the first place? In my experience, when I DID tell them they hurt me ..they were hurt themselves that they'd HURT ME! So why make a situation worse when I could just forgive anyway?
So ... this week ... a situation happened. Someone whom, I have had to practice the forgiving repeatidly over and over again. I'd felt judged by him, like he felt that I was less than, not worthy of his time. Like I didn't matter or was a second class citizen. In many situations, this had happened and he ... and my son had a MAJOR miscommunication. It happened with my son. I can't let that one go. That's not fair to him. To me ..yea, walk all over me. Don't hurt my kids.
Then, a friend, a woman who I'm mentoring/accountability for ... called me and said that she'd had a problem with someone ..was it her? Or could this person really feel this way about her?
OOOPs.
Maybe Matthew 18:15 isn't about me ... Maybe it's about others. Maybe letting someone know they've hurt you ... will keep the situation from happening with others. Maybe, if when he'd first hurt me 3 years ago, I'd let him know, he'd have been aware that he can come across that way, and worked on changing that ... and my friend ..who doesn't have the background I have ..who FEELS like she's not worthy, who feels like she doesn't belong ..and assumes they're right ...wouldn't have been put in the same situation.
He and I talked tonight. He, with pain in his voice said "If you feel this way, how many others have felt the same?" I told him of my conversation this week. Then assured him that I'm not going around church talking ... I honestly couldn't tell him of others, that I'm her accountability ..and she was weighing thoughts/emotions ...he grinned in HUGE relief over that one! But broken hearted that TWO women ..who he cared for and respected got this feeling from him ...
And ...if only I'd realized ..that it wasn't about my ability to forgive him ... it was about brothers and sisters working together in the body of Christ ... it really had nothing to do with me ... but who in the future might be effected!
I learned a long time ago how to forgive. How to thouroughly forgive. If necessary, over and over and over again. I took Jesus' words to forgive 7 x 70 to heart. When you don't like confrontation, you have 2 choices ... you either become very adept at forgiveness ... or ...you become bitter. I choose the former. It served me quite well ...or so I thought.
I have a friend who once told me that her greatest fear in our friendship, is that she would offend me, and she would never know it. (She's right). I took that as a compliment ..she did not mean it as a compliment.
When I was a teenager, I was in a Christian School, and our teacher spent a lot of time dealing with us on the verses Matthew 18:15-17 (this is the New Century Version)
15 "If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again. 16 But if he refuses to listen, go to him again and take one or two other people with you. 'Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him like a person who does not believe in God or like a tax collector. 18 "I tell you the truth, the things you don't allow on earth will be the things God does not allow. And the things you allow on earth will be the things that God allows
We, as a class, memorized the verses and spent weeks on the principal and the importance of these verses. The teacher was trying to cut down on the cliques, hurt feelings from gossip and general teenage angst in the school. It worked. We became a tight knit group, who learned to solve our problems Biblically, and to forgive and to work together to not hurt each other.
On with my adult life, I became more and more inside my shell ...interesting side note here ... I accidently typed ..inside myself and had to backspace ... hmm. Anyway ... I became more and more inside my shell ..and less and less able to confront those who had hurt me ...and chose to forgive those who hurt me rather than tell anyone.
I learned that most people usually hurt someone out of misconception, miscommunication or other such thing, rarely from intent ...so I just took that stance. Someone hurt me, they had no intention of doing so ..and on with life. They got the benifit of the doubt ... and I moved on.
They hurt me again. They didn't know they'd done it before, so how could they have known? They again, got the benifit of the doubt.
I could forgive someone ..forever this way. It was easier than confronting them, or becoming embittered.
I'd also learned that sometimes, uneasy friendship, can turn into good friendships this way. I've had some that have started out rocky, and my determination to forgive ..has allowed the communication to stay open and we've wound up with great friendships.
So ... recently, I had a conversation about the Matthew 18:15-17 ... I wasn't quite sure why the verse 15 was really necessary if you were able to forgive 7 times 70 ... what's the point of drawing attention to someone hurting you in the first place? In my experience, when I DID tell them they hurt me ..they were hurt themselves that they'd HURT ME! So why make a situation worse when I could just forgive anyway?
So ... this week ... a situation happened. Someone whom, I have had to practice the forgiving repeatidly over and over again. I'd felt judged by him, like he felt that I was less than, not worthy of his time. Like I didn't matter or was a second class citizen. In many situations, this had happened and he ... and my son had a MAJOR miscommunication. It happened with my son. I can't let that one go. That's not fair to him. To me ..yea, walk all over me. Don't hurt my kids.
Then, a friend, a woman who I'm mentoring/accountability for ... called me and said that she'd had a problem with someone ..was it her? Or could this person really feel this way about her?
OOOPs.
Maybe Matthew 18:15 isn't about me ... Maybe it's about others. Maybe letting someone know they've hurt you ... will keep the situation from happening with others. Maybe, if when he'd first hurt me 3 years ago, I'd let him know, he'd have been aware that he can come across that way, and worked on changing that ... and my friend ..who doesn't have the background I have ..who FEELS like she's not worthy, who feels like she doesn't belong ..and assumes they're right ...wouldn't have been put in the same situation.
He and I talked tonight. He, with pain in his voice said "If you feel this way, how many others have felt the same?" I told him of my conversation this week. Then assured him that I'm not going around church talking ... I honestly couldn't tell him of others, that I'm her accountability ..and she was weighing thoughts/emotions ...he grinned in HUGE relief over that one! But broken hearted that TWO women ..who he cared for and respected got this feeling from him ...
And ...if only I'd realized ..that it wasn't about my ability to forgive him ... it was about brothers and sisters working together in the body of Christ ... it really had nothing to do with me ... but who in the future might be effected!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Too Much Pain in the News
Pearls and Dreams
http://2worksforyou.com/news/stories/rape1.shtml
Rape Investigation
Detectives in Cherokee County and Broken Arrow are looking for a man charged with raping at least two young relatives.
Investigators think there could be other victims.
Tonight, Earnest Ray Kingery, Junior, is wanted on a felony warrant in Cherokee County.
That's where he faces two counts of first-degree rape.
If you have any information on the case, call authorities.
Mar. 21, 2006
http://2worksforyou.com/news/stories/rape.shtml
Pawnee County Judge suspends rape conviction
Jurors who convicted a man of raping a 13-year-old girl are upset with the Pawnee County judge who sentenced the man to probation. The jury found 38-year-old Gregory Lynn Bryant guilty of raping the girl and recommended a 30-year prison sentence, but Judge Jefferson Sellers suspended the sentence. One juror calls the suspended sentence "a bunch of crud."
Mar. 20, 2006
http://www.wjla.com/headlines/0306/312378.html
Charges Dropped in Fla. Student Sex Case
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - Prosecutors in one Florida county decided Tuesday to drop charges against a former Tampa teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old middle school student.
http://www.ktul.com/news/stories/0306/312372.html
Father Arrested After Leaving Son In Cold Car Outside Strip Club
Tuesday March 21, 2006 5:50pm Posted By: Kevin King
Tulsa - A Kansas man was arrested over the weekend at a Tulsa strip club after leaving his young son alone in a cold car.
It happened at the Showplace Club on Admiral near Memorial. The club's manager called police after the pre-schooler came into the club looking for his father.
According to police, the father allegedly told his son to stay in the car and that if he left, monsters would eat him.
At the time, it was raining and 45 degrees. The car was unlocked and parked near a busy street
http://www.ktul.com/news/stories/0306/309510.html
Oklahoma City Attorney Faces Child Sex Charges
Friday March 10, 2006 2:52pm
Oklahoma City (AP) - A well-known Oklahoma City attorney faces child sex charges involving a 15-year-old girl.
George Miskovsky the third was charged in Oklahoma County District Court with felony rape of a child under 16
http://2worksforyou.com/news/stories/rape1.shtml
Rape Investigation
Detectives in Cherokee County and Broken Arrow are looking for a man charged with raping at least two young relatives.
Investigators think there could be other victims.
Tonight, Earnest Ray Kingery, Junior, is wanted on a felony warrant in Cherokee County.
That's where he faces two counts of first-degree rape.
If you have any information on the case, call authorities.
Mar. 21, 2006
http://2worksforyou.com/news/stories/rape.shtml
Pawnee County Judge suspends rape conviction
Jurors who convicted a man of raping a 13-year-old girl are upset with the Pawnee County judge who sentenced the man to probation. The jury found 38-year-old Gregory Lynn Bryant guilty of raping the girl and recommended a 30-year prison sentence, but Judge Jefferson Sellers suspended the sentence. One juror calls the suspended sentence "a bunch of crud."
Mar. 20, 2006
http://www.wjla.com/headlines/0306/312378.html
Charges Dropped in Fla. Student Sex Case
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - Prosecutors in one Florida county decided Tuesday to drop charges against a former Tampa teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old middle school student.
http://www.ktul.com/news/stories/0306/312372.html
Father Arrested After Leaving Son In Cold Car Outside Strip Club
Tuesday March 21, 2006 5:50pm Posted By: Kevin King
Tulsa - A Kansas man was arrested over the weekend at a Tulsa strip club after leaving his young son alone in a cold car.
It happened at the Showplace Club on Admiral near Memorial. The club's manager called police after the pre-schooler came into the club looking for his father.
According to police, the father allegedly told his son to stay in the car and that if he left, monsters would eat him.
At the time, it was raining and 45 degrees. The car was unlocked and parked near a busy street
http://www.ktul.com/news/stories/0306/309510.html
Oklahoma City Attorney Faces Child Sex Charges
Friday March 10, 2006 2:52pm
Oklahoma City (AP) - A well-known Oklahoma City attorney faces child sex charges involving a 15-year-old girl.
George Miskovsky the third was charged in Oklahoma County District Court with felony rape of a child under 16
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