What are you afraid of?

I'm seeing a new therapist. She, like my psychiatrist, can read me. She's not going to let me get away with much either.

My former therapist would ask me "what are you afraid of if you really feel?"

I'd give her some surface answers and we'd talk about them.

I started to answer and she said "Stop. Think. What will happen if you really FEEL?"

I froze. She knew me. She's seen me 2 times, at that point, she'd seen me for exactly 70 minutes of my life ...and she was already past my masks.

So, I had to reach past my own mask to where I'd not dared to go before.

What am I afraid of if I really feel the pain?

Permanence.

If I feel it. It's real. It's forever. It really happened. The person is really dead. The dreadful event really happened. My body really failed. It's real. I can't pretend that it's not.

It's permanent. It's real. If I really feel it. It's real.

Then she asked me when the last time that I felt safe was. Really safe.

Wow. Loaded question.