Whoever was driving the truck that ran over me ... please step up and admit it!!
Geepers Kreepers .. I feel like I've been pushed through a keyhole and pulled back out backwards!
The wind is blowing furiously out there ...stirring up every known and unknown allergen to my body ... and my body is in full rebellion.
It dawned on me today. Today is February 28th, the last day of the second month. I started to think about not having heard from the endocrinologist on my blood test results ... and not hearing when my rheumy appt was for March ...and come to think of it ...when was my last monthly lab test for my Cellcept that I take ... January 6th was the answer to that one.
Well Good.
I did a whopping good job of staying on top of THAT !
I'm also a few months late in my dermatology check. Great place for a skin cancer survivor with lupus to be. I think, I was supposed to do my follow up in July.
I guess tomorrow morning I need to take back control of my health management before it spirals out of control and then I get into trouble I can't deal with. blah.
Boy I'm cranky today.
On the good news front. I found a friend from high school. It's been really cool talking to her through emails. Amazing what you learn about yourself 25 years ago when someone else starts to talk about how they saw you.
I'm watching Dr. Phil and the show on the triplets ... I just had to erase what I wrote ..the shows not over yet ...so I don't think it's fair I comment yet.
Benjamin got in trouble at school. Not much. Not much at all. Actually, no discipline was taken, it was a note sent home. "Benjamin could be doing better in science if he was socializing less"
*WHAT?*
My TURTLE is socializing?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!??!?!???!?!?! He does, a lot at church ... and around family ...but at school?? Never. In 15 years ... he's NEVER EVER gotten into trouble for talking in class, out of turn or any such thing!
He doesn't socialize at church during sunday school ...or any structured time ..it starts, and he turns into a turtle ...it's like learning time shuts him down.
So ... something has happened at this new school ...between homeschooling him and the atmosphere of this new school ...to allow him to feel relaxed enough ... to be a normal kid ...and talk during class!!!
YEAH WHOO!! *grin* Not that I want him to make a habit of it ... but this is a good thing.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Grand Rounds
Every week, the best in medical blogging is put together in a blog carnival called Grand Rounds. This week, Dr. Dinosaur is hosting. Grand Rounds 3.23
I submitted my post about Don's bout with polio before I even realized there was a suggested theme. I hit send, then went back and read the theme suggestion ... which was ... things of the past. Well ...couldn't have been timed better!
Between being being encouraged to write it that night by Flea's post ...and then it going right along with the theme of Grand Rounds for the week ... I'd say ... it must have all been Kismit!
Hop on over to Grand Rounds and read the rest of the entries. Always informative and a good use of time!
Have a great day!
I submitted my post about Don's bout with polio before I even realized there was a suggested theme. I hit send, then went back and read the theme suggestion ... which was ... things of the past. Well ...couldn't have been timed better!
Between being being encouraged to write it that night by Flea's post ...and then it going right along with the theme of Grand Rounds for the week ... I'd say ... it must have all been Kismit!
Hop on over to Grand Rounds and read the rest of the entries. Always informative and a good use of time!
Have a great day!
Jeremiah 32:17
Oh, Lord God, you made the skies and the earth with your very great power. There is nothing too hard for you to do.
These are two of the paintings given me at my housewarming. I don't have them hanging yet. That's a whole long story. Which, has nothing to do with this post.
This is a shot of Tioga Pass in Yosemite National Park. Look at the power of the water coming over those rocks ... you can almost feel the power of water as it shoots over the edge of the waterfall ... the beauty of the rocks, the sky, the water and the power of it all combine together to form a site that every year has thousands of tourists in awe of what simply exists.
Today, in church, I signed a song. I hadn't signed in a worship service in close to 2 years because of my shoulder. Well, that and a bit of ... nerves. The last tme I was asked to sign, I was unable to sign the song I was asked to sign. I've been signing since I was a young teenager, and well, quite frankly, there had never been anything I hadn't been able to do. Having interpreted at one point, I could sign quickly and effectively, if needed... so a hard song shouldn't have been a challenge. But, this one ... was. It ... unerved me.
I played it for 2 friends who signed ...professionally. Both said they'd not have been able to sign it artistically either. A man who was deaf came to our church 2 months earlier and we'd sang it and I interpretted it just fine. So, I know I can SIGN it fast enough. But to ARTISTICALLY sign it ... I froze. For the first time in my life ... I was 40 years old, and a song was unsignable for me.
Within a few weeks, my shoulder really started to hurt. Signing became impossible, literally, and I didn't have to worry about the fear. It was easy to put it on the backshelf. It, was a non issue!
Then I got my shoulder fixed ... last April. It was probably ready to sign ..by August. But, today was the first day I signed in front of anyone. It was the right song ..at the right moment. I was asked on the spot ..didn't have enough of a chance to say no or to think about it. It was a song that was crying out for me to sign ...
There is a fountain ...who is the King ... Victorious Warrior and Lord of Everything! My Rock My shelter! My VERY OWN! Precious Redeemer who reigns upon the throne!
As I signed ... the power of the fountain in Tioga Pass came to my memory ... Anyone who's had the privilege of standing near a waterfall ...of any size ...can understand the glory of a waterfall ... THERE IS A FOUNTAIN!
Alas, it did make me homesick, again, for the mountains of Yosemite. God is going to have to put Yosemite in my backyard in Heaven ;)
But I'm so grateful for a God who's so powerful, and so gentle at the same time ... so personal ...so protective, my shelter, my rock, My VERY OWN! What a privilege it is to be able to worship.
Oh, Lord God, you made the skies and the earth with your very great power. There is nothing too hard for you to do.
These are two of the paintings given me at my housewarming. I don't have them hanging yet. That's a whole long story. Which, has nothing to do with this post.
This is a shot of Tioga Pass in Yosemite National Park. Look at the power of the water coming over those rocks ... you can almost feel the power of water as it shoots over the edge of the waterfall ... the beauty of the rocks, the sky, the water and the power of it all combine together to form a site that every year has thousands of tourists in awe of what simply exists.
Today, in church, I signed a song. I hadn't signed in a worship service in close to 2 years because of my shoulder. Well, that and a bit of ... nerves. The last tme I was asked to sign, I was unable to sign the song I was asked to sign. I've been signing since I was a young teenager, and well, quite frankly, there had never been anything I hadn't been able to do. Having interpreted at one point, I could sign quickly and effectively, if needed... so a hard song shouldn't have been a challenge. But, this one ... was. It ... unerved me.
I played it for 2 friends who signed ...professionally. Both said they'd not have been able to sign it artistically either. A man who was deaf came to our church 2 months earlier and we'd sang it and I interpretted it just fine. So, I know I can SIGN it fast enough. But to ARTISTICALLY sign it ... I froze. For the first time in my life ... I was 40 years old, and a song was unsignable for me.
Within a few weeks, my shoulder really started to hurt. Signing became impossible, literally, and I didn't have to worry about the fear. It was easy to put it on the backshelf. It, was a non issue!
Then I got my shoulder fixed ... last April. It was probably ready to sign ..by August. But, today was the first day I signed in front of anyone. It was the right song ..at the right moment. I was asked on the spot ..didn't have enough of a chance to say no or to think about it. It was a song that was crying out for me to sign ...
There is a fountain ...who is the King ... Victorious Warrior and Lord of Everything! My Rock My shelter! My VERY OWN! Precious Redeemer who reigns upon the throne!
As I signed ... the power of the fountain in Tioga Pass came to my memory ... Anyone who's had the privilege of standing near a waterfall ...of any size ...can understand the glory of a waterfall ... THERE IS A FOUNTAIN!
Alas, it did make me homesick, again, for the mountains of Yosemite. God is going to have to put Yosemite in my backyard in Heaven ;)
But I'm so grateful for a God who's so powerful, and so gentle at the same time ... so personal ...so protective, my shelter, my rock, My VERY OWN! What a privilege it is to be able to worship.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
1950's aren't necessary anymore
I've posted before about my husband's having had polio and it's effect on his body.
Two things happened today that made me decide to post again.
1. A phone call, on a Saturday, from his Pulmonologist.
2. Flea's post.
I was debating on posting when I read Flea's. That made the decision for me.
My husband, is 51 years old. He contracted polio at the end of the epidemic. Many his age got the vaccination. He, for whatever reason, did not. He was born November 21, 1955. Healthy, strong, large ...and in a tall family. Dark Curly hair, big ears, HUGE smile. Ornery look. I tease him that his childhood pictures look like "The Beav'"
Summer 1959, and he was 3 1/2. He became ill. It soon became apparent it wasn't just any illness but he was very ill. It became a fight for his life and a lifetime fight. Polio put him in an iron lung, took him away from his childhood home in Northern California to stay in a children's hospital in San Francisco where his mom could only visit as she took care of her other 4 children. (No Ronald McDonald Houses then!)
As polio ravaged the body ... eating away the muscle tissue ... crippling his body ... he managed to fight ...with multiple surgeries, unimaginable hours of heat packs and physical therapy, full body casts, hospital stays and even birthdays in the hospital .. He SURVIVED.
His body, is not a normal body.
That, is a picture of a kitten on his rib cage. The curve in his spine, severe, and the rib cage does not expand to leave much room for his lungs.
His chest wall muscles atrophied to nothing, and they fused his back 2/3 of the way up, but did not put a rod in it (they WERE around, we don't know why they did not.)
When I met him, he was 5'5'' on one foot, and 5'3'' on the other. The doctors suspect he'd be ABOUT 6'3'' had he not had polio. That, is how bad the scoliosis & damage is.
He weighs all of 98 lbs. I think I realized just how bad he'd been effected when my youngest was about 8. We were watching a documentary on the Holocaust, as they were throwing the bodies into the mass graves, my son turned to his father and asked "Daddy, did they have polio too?" It struck me, he's THAT skinny! He has THAT much atrophy. Just add the scoliosis to his body, and that's exactly what he looks like!
How he walks, no one is really sure. I've lost track of the number of times that we've been to see yet another doctor to see if something can be done to help him, and the doctor looks around for his wheelchair at the end of the appointment. At that point, we laugh and he hops down from the table. The doctor then, a little embarrassed says "I guess I should examine your gait huh?" Our physical therapist has no explanation for why he can walk. There isn't enough muscle tissue to support his weight ... oh well. It's working, don't mess with success right?
He is wearing out. He needs a cane most of the time now, and we wanted the Habitat house because it was wheelchair accessible for when that's neccesary. Hopefully later than sooner. He fatigues faster than he ever imagined.
The call tonight ... concerns us. He had a sleep study last week. He was hoping to prove that the previous 2 studies that said he had apnea were wrong. The pulmonologist had given him some hope that they'd find something besides apnea, but, there was probably something there, because of the polio/scoliosis.
So, less than a week after the study, he calls, on a weekend evening ... to say "you have apnea, and not only do you have it, it's SEVERE." A regular CPAP won't work. So, the pulm wants to redo the study and try another machine, but my husband couldn't remember what it was. But, he says he's not going to do it, because he (my husband) doesn't think they'll find something to help him. (men!)
I am trying to convince him ... that some help, is better than no help, and unless they find out, he won't know for sure.
In the meantime. If you think that the childhood diseases that we vaccinate against are really harmless diseases ... I challenge you to walk a mile in my husbands body.
Two things happened today that made me decide to post again.
1. A phone call, on a Saturday, from his Pulmonologist.
2. Flea's post.
I was debating on posting when I read Flea's. That made the decision for me.
My husband, is 51 years old. He contracted polio at the end of the epidemic. Many his age got the vaccination. He, for whatever reason, did not. He was born November 21, 1955. Healthy, strong, large ...and in a tall family. Dark Curly hair, big ears, HUGE smile. Ornery look. I tease him that his childhood pictures look like "The Beav'"
Summer 1959, and he was 3 1/2. He became ill. It soon became apparent it wasn't just any illness but he was very ill. It became a fight for his life and a lifetime fight. Polio put him in an iron lung, took him away from his childhood home in Northern California to stay in a children's hospital in San Francisco where his mom could only visit as she took care of her other 4 children. (No Ronald McDonald Houses then!)
As polio ravaged the body ... eating away the muscle tissue ... crippling his body ... he managed to fight ...with multiple surgeries, unimaginable hours of heat packs and physical therapy, full body casts, hospital stays and even birthdays in the hospital .. He SURVIVED.
His body, is not a normal body.
That, is a picture of a kitten on his rib cage. The curve in his spine, severe, and the rib cage does not expand to leave much room for his lungs.
His chest wall muscles atrophied to nothing, and they fused his back 2/3 of the way up, but did not put a rod in it (they WERE around, we don't know why they did not.)
When I met him, he was 5'5'' on one foot, and 5'3'' on the other. The doctors suspect he'd be ABOUT 6'3'' had he not had polio. That, is how bad the scoliosis & damage is.
He weighs all of 98 lbs. I think I realized just how bad he'd been effected when my youngest was about 8. We were watching a documentary on the Holocaust, as they were throwing the bodies into the mass graves, my son turned to his father and asked "Daddy, did they have polio too?" It struck me, he's THAT skinny! He has THAT much atrophy. Just add the scoliosis to his body, and that's exactly what he looks like!
How he walks, no one is really sure. I've lost track of the number of times that we've been to see yet another doctor to see if something can be done to help him, and the doctor looks around for his wheelchair at the end of the appointment. At that point, we laugh and he hops down from the table. The doctor then, a little embarrassed says "I guess I should examine your gait huh?" Our physical therapist has no explanation for why he can walk. There isn't enough muscle tissue to support his weight ... oh well. It's working, don't mess with success right?
He is wearing out. He needs a cane most of the time now, and we wanted the Habitat house because it was wheelchair accessible for when that's neccesary. Hopefully later than sooner. He fatigues faster than he ever imagined.
The call tonight ... concerns us. He had a sleep study last week. He was hoping to prove that the previous 2 studies that said he had apnea were wrong. The pulmonologist had given him some hope that they'd find something besides apnea, but, there was probably something there, because of the polio/scoliosis.
So, less than a week after the study, he calls, on a weekend evening ... to say "you have apnea, and not only do you have it, it's SEVERE." A regular CPAP won't work. So, the pulm wants to redo the study and try another machine, but my husband couldn't remember what it was. But, he says he's not going to do it, because he (my husband) doesn't think they'll find something to help him. (men!)
I am trying to convince him ... that some help, is better than no help, and unless they find out, he won't know for sure.
In the meantime. If you think that the childhood diseases that we vaccinate against are really harmless diseases ... I challenge you to walk a mile in my husbands body.
Friday, February 23, 2007
In A Little While ....
I was 18, and Amy Grant was the princess of Christian Music. I loved her music. I could sing with it and the words spoke volumes to me. There were always a couple of songs that meant a lot to me. A couple, I've never forgotten and think about frequently ... Fat Baby, El Shaddai to name a couple.
But one ... I'd let my mind forget. Or time took over. Not sure which. It was a song that I would play over and over and over again. The tape wore out because, of this song. I'd play it, hit rewind, play it again ...all while driving mindlessly around the city singing it at the top of my lungs.
It really wasn't a top of your lungs kind of song, but it was a top of my lungs song. I have a few of those now. Usually Matt Redman songs. They keep me grounded ...they remind me that God is in my life ...and that he has ME under control even when I don't think He does.
It was a hard song ... it was about a letter from The Father ... I was so freshly grieving the loss of my step father. I wanted it to be a letter from Daddy ...but I learned ...through singing it over and over again ... God is my Father. His Word is a letter to me ...and when I hurt ..that is where I need to go.
A pattern developed in my life ... because the way I was raised, because of the teaching I had ...and in large part because this song reminded me to. The pattern of when I just can't take any more ... to open the Letter from God. To go to His Word ...to find the Words he's speaking to me. I learned that it was temporary pain, and God's Word was eternal. I learned that God loved me no matter how bad my day and my purpose was to live for God.
I didn't set out to learn those things. I think it'd been much harder to learn if I'd known that was what I was working for. But, as so many other times in my life ...God used a song to touch my deepest pain, fear and hurt and to teach me to lean on him.
Many songs have come and gone to replace the song. I hadn't even thought of it years. I doubt I've even heard it since my husband and I got married 19 years ago! We take off in the car tonight ..and our Christian Radio Station KXOJ is having their 30th Anniversary. They're playing a lot of hits ...old and new. They played a song by Petra from the 80's and it was such a thrill to hear. Then suddenly the piano/guitar started ... I felt myself lighten as I about yelled "I remember this one!"
The words started ..and I started to sing along as if it hadn't even been a day since I'd heard it. Then ...the tears started to fall. The years that have passed in between that life line and now ...and how much I learned from it ...and how true it's become. How often the promise in the song has proven true for me. In A Little While ... We're just here to learn to love Him
Got a ticket coming home,
Wish the officer had known
What a day today has been.
Then I stumbled through the door,
Dropping junk mail on the floor.
When will this day end?
But then your letter caught my eye,
Brought the hope in me to life,
cause you know me very well,
And I bet you wrote me
Just to tell me,
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Boy, that letter hit the spot--
Made me think of all Ive got,
And all that waits for me.
Guess Ive known it all day long;
Wonder where my thoughts went wrong.
When will my heart believe?
Waking half way through the night,
Reaching toward the lamp for light,
Picking up the word I find;
Heres another letter
To remind me.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Days like these are just a test of our will.
Will we walk or will we fall?
Well, I can almost see the top of the hill,
And I believe its worth it all.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
But one ... I'd let my mind forget. Or time took over. Not sure which. It was a song that I would play over and over and over again. The tape wore out because, of this song. I'd play it, hit rewind, play it again ...all while driving mindlessly around the city singing it at the top of my lungs.
It really wasn't a top of your lungs kind of song, but it was a top of my lungs song. I have a few of those now. Usually Matt Redman songs. They keep me grounded ...they remind me that God is in my life ...and that he has ME under control even when I don't think He does.
It was a hard song ... it was about a letter from The Father ... I was so freshly grieving the loss of my step father. I wanted it to be a letter from Daddy ...but I learned ...through singing it over and over again ... God is my Father. His Word is a letter to me ...and when I hurt ..that is where I need to go.
A pattern developed in my life ... because the way I was raised, because of the teaching I had ...and in large part because this song reminded me to. The pattern of when I just can't take any more ... to open the Letter from God. To go to His Word ...to find the Words he's speaking to me. I learned that it was temporary pain, and God's Word was eternal. I learned that God loved me no matter how bad my day and my purpose was to live for God.
I didn't set out to learn those things. I think it'd been much harder to learn if I'd known that was what I was working for. But, as so many other times in my life ...God used a song to touch my deepest pain, fear and hurt and to teach me to lean on him.
Many songs have come and gone to replace the song. I hadn't even thought of it years. I doubt I've even heard it since my husband and I got married 19 years ago! We take off in the car tonight ..and our Christian Radio Station KXOJ is having their 30th Anniversary. They're playing a lot of hits ...old and new. They played a song by Petra from the 80's and it was such a thrill to hear. Then suddenly the piano/guitar started ... I felt myself lighten as I about yelled "I remember this one!"
The words started ..and I started to sing along as if it hadn't even been a day since I'd heard it. Then ...the tears started to fall. The years that have passed in between that life line and now ...and how much I learned from it ...and how true it's become. How often the promise in the song has proven true for me. In A Little While ... We're just here to learn to love Him
Got a ticket coming home,
Wish the officer had known
What a day today has been.
Then I stumbled through the door,
Dropping junk mail on the floor.
When will this day end?
But then your letter caught my eye,
Brought the hope in me to life,
cause you know me very well,
And I bet you wrote me
Just to tell me,
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Boy, that letter hit the spot--
Made me think of all Ive got,
And all that waits for me.
Guess Ive known it all day long;
Wonder where my thoughts went wrong.
When will my heart believe?
Waking half way through the night,
Reaching toward the lamp for light,
Picking up the word I find;
Heres another letter
To remind me.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Days like these are just a test of our will.
Will we walk or will we fall?
Well, I can almost see the top of the hill,
And I believe its worth it all.
In a little while,
Well be with the father;
Cant you see him smile? (ooooooh....)
In a little while,
Well be home forever,
In a while....
Were just here to learn to love him;
Well be home in just a little while.
Monday, February 19, 2007
And That's What It's All About!
First ... I wanna complain about having to switch to the new blogger ... don't like having to switch ... their experimental journey into Beta blogger wasn't all that successful ...forcing everyone to switch ... is rather ... um ...shall we say ... hard handed? I hope they don't have as many problems with the new blogger as they did with Beta!!
Ok ...grouch over.
We had Benjamin's IEP meeting on the 9th. I think it's taken me this long to get over the shock to my system to write about it.
We fought really hard to get into this district.
We worked hard to move here ... we've been working at moving here since Benjamin was 4 years old. He's 15 now. We exhausted every means possible to get out of our mobile home (paid for, lot rent only) and still be able to afford to live ...
We tried ... over and over and over again.
In the meantime ... we fought the district we were living in ... tooth and nail ... for every service Benjamin got. We took them due process two times, mediation once ... and we fought ....and fought ...and fought ...
We fought hard to keep our son learning ...and we were told over and over again .."we don't have to do that" '
"special education doesn't provide for that"
"we don't accomodate for that"
"he doesn't qualify for that service"
We were told some outright lies ....
we were told some half truths
and we were told some white lies
we were told some shocking truths that we couldn't believe they had the GALL to actually say outloud ....
"We don't accomodate for any one individual child, we accomodate for the whole classroom"
"Our LD classrooms are overcrowded, we just pay the fines, it's easier on the school district"
I think the worst ... and most appalling ... and if I had it on tape, I'd have done something about it ... when I complained that Benjamin was failing, and there needed to be something done ...and done now... we were told
" You know, statistically, with his age, gender, learning disabilities and socioeconomic background, no one really expects anymore than the level he's performing. His grades are not going to raise any red flags with the powers that be, so there isn't anything more that we have to do." (referring to the state and federal agencies and No child left behind)
Excuse me ... because he is a junior high boy ... with learning problems and he comes from a poverty level background ... he's statistically expected to fail ...so you don't have to do anything other than let him fail because no one is going to see any red flag when he does fail?????
Well ... I saw red ... I can't remember if that was before I had a blog, or after ...if it was after, it would be posted some where on this blog.
So ... we wanted out ... and finally Habitat came along ... and we applied. Our pastor, didn't have a lot of hope for us ... physically ... it was a lot of work. There were financial requirements ...and quite frankly, he wasn't sure we could meet them. So, while he sadly agreed it was worth applying, he didn't think we could do it. So ... we applied. We, much to everyone's surprise, were accepted ...we barely fit the bottom of the financial qualifications .... we weren't sure about the physical labor ... we'd only have the shot ... we'd have to do our best and see ... our sons education was at stake ...
so ..for 3 years ...we fought ...unfortunately ...some of the fight with the school was going on while some of the fight with Habitat was going on ....
Finally ... we got the house. We moved in ...and after 2 months, I had the nerve to put my son in the school district that we fought so hard to move into.
It took them 3 days to decide what took the former district 4 years to decide. He needs help. It did not take a court order to give that help.
They had originally decided to carry on the former IEP ... until they read it ... they had to re write it because of class time ...then realized ... it wasn't adequate anyway ...so it got re written all together. They kept apologizing to me for having to carry on the behavior plan. I knew he'd had one ... I'd not seen the last one he'd had ...they'd done it without me there ... I couldnt' figure out why the new school kept apologizing ... why in the world are they apologizing ...it's just one to insure his work gets done!
I get to the meeting ... the IEP is unlike one I'd ever seen. Benjamin is 15. We've been dealing with special ed and IEP's since he was 3 ... and it was unlike one I'd ever seen. I'm given this form to go over and I'm overwhelmed by it all ...and the teacher looks at me kind of funny ..I should know this ...
I've never seen this before.
she is very surprised ...she knew she couldn't find it in his file, but she thought it'd been missing ... but not there ...ever? It was a state form ...not a school form ...
The form ...modifications to be made by the teachers FOR the student ....
The only thing we've ever done before is what BJ would do ...
So ... we get this whole list of what THEY are going to do for HIM to help HIM succeed. Probably one of the best ones for him ... assignments and tests ...read to him orally ...and he gets to repeat them back to the teacher so the teacher gets to make sure he understands the questions!
Awesome!!
The behavior modification plan comes out ...apologies start again ... I see it ... the old district has 2 things
Not completing assignments
laziness
My face went numb ...really numb ... badly numb ...with frustration and anger ... as tears welled up ... I described to the teachers what they were saying was laziness ..and how it was really being overwhelmed.
His english teacher verified that he does exhibit that behavior ...and it is in fact overwhelmed.
This regular ed teacher, had him for less than 2 weeks, and had already figured out that it wasn't laziness ...yet these people had him for 2 years and called it laziness.
Last week, I got phone call ... we're sending a new behavior modification plan out ... we had to rewrite that ... we can't ... we CAN'T have laziness on the form ..it's against policy. We've talked about it and went to our special ed director with it. We don't use that word in this district. Especially not in writing ... to label a child as such is destructive.
I expect to get the form with another adjective to replace lazines .... 2 behaviors on the behavior modification ... but when I get it ... there is only the one ...
and it says Student struggles to turn in work ...
I cried .... tears of joy ... This ...is what we fought so hard for. This, is what it's all about!
Ok ...grouch over.
We had Benjamin's IEP meeting on the 9th. I think it's taken me this long to get over the shock to my system to write about it.
We fought really hard to get into this district.
We worked hard to move here ... we've been working at moving here since Benjamin was 4 years old. He's 15 now. We exhausted every means possible to get out of our mobile home (paid for, lot rent only) and still be able to afford to live ...
We tried ... over and over and over again.
In the meantime ... we fought the district we were living in ... tooth and nail ... for every service Benjamin got. We took them due process two times, mediation once ... and we fought ....and fought ...and fought ...
We fought hard to keep our son learning ...and we were told over and over again .."we don't have to do that" '
"special education doesn't provide for that"
"we don't accomodate for that"
"he doesn't qualify for that service"
We were told some outright lies ....
we were told some half truths
and we were told some white lies
we were told some shocking truths that we couldn't believe they had the GALL to actually say outloud ....
"We don't accomodate for any one individual child, we accomodate for the whole classroom"
"Our LD classrooms are overcrowded, we just pay the fines, it's easier on the school district"
I think the worst ... and most appalling ... and if I had it on tape, I'd have done something about it ... when I complained that Benjamin was failing, and there needed to be something done ...and done now... we were told
" You know, statistically, with his age, gender, learning disabilities and socioeconomic background, no one really expects anymore than the level he's performing. His grades are not going to raise any red flags with the powers that be, so there isn't anything more that we have to do." (referring to the state and federal agencies and No child left behind)
Excuse me ... because he is a junior high boy ... with learning problems and he comes from a poverty level background ... he's statistically expected to fail ...so you don't have to do anything other than let him fail because no one is going to see any red flag when he does fail?????
Well ... I saw red ... I can't remember if that was before I had a blog, or after ...if it was after, it would be posted some where on this blog.
So ... we wanted out ... and finally Habitat came along ... and we applied. Our pastor, didn't have a lot of hope for us ... physically ... it was a lot of work. There were financial requirements ...and quite frankly, he wasn't sure we could meet them. So, while he sadly agreed it was worth applying, he didn't think we could do it. So ... we applied. We, much to everyone's surprise, were accepted ...we barely fit the bottom of the financial qualifications .... we weren't sure about the physical labor ... we'd only have the shot ... we'd have to do our best and see ... our sons education was at stake ...
so ..for 3 years ...we fought ...unfortunately ...some of the fight with the school was going on while some of the fight with Habitat was going on ....
Finally ... we got the house. We moved in ...and after 2 months, I had the nerve to put my son in the school district that we fought so hard to move into.
It took them 3 days to decide what took the former district 4 years to decide. He needs help. It did not take a court order to give that help.
They had originally decided to carry on the former IEP ... until they read it ... they had to re write it because of class time ...then realized ... it wasn't adequate anyway ...so it got re written all together. They kept apologizing to me for having to carry on the behavior plan. I knew he'd had one ... I'd not seen the last one he'd had ...they'd done it without me there ... I couldnt' figure out why the new school kept apologizing ... why in the world are they apologizing ...it's just one to insure his work gets done!
I get to the meeting ... the IEP is unlike one I'd ever seen. Benjamin is 15. We've been dealing with special ed and IEP's since he was 3 ... and it was unlike one I'd ever seen. I'm given this form to go over and I'm overwhelmed by it all ...and the teacher looks at me kind of funny ..I should know this ...
I've never seen this before.
she is very surprised ...she knew she couldn't find it in his file, but she thought it'd been missing ... but not there ...ever? It was a state form ...not a school form ...
The form ...modifications to be made by the teachers FOR the student ....
The only thing we've ever done before is what BJ would do ...
So ... we get this whole list of what THEY are going to do for HIM to help HIM succeed. Probably one of the best ones for him ... assignments and tests ...read to him orally ...and he gets to repeat them back to the teacher so the teacher gets to make sure he understands the questions!
Awesome!!
The behavior modification plan comes out ...apologies start again ... I see it ... the old district has 2 things
Not completing assignments
laziness
My face went numb ...really numb ... badly numb ...with frustration and anger ... as tears welled up ... I described to the teachers what they were saying was laziness ..and how it was really being overwhelmed.
His english teacher verified that he does exhibit that behavior ...and it is in fact overwhelmed.
This regular ed teacher, had him for less than 2 weeks, and had already figured out that it wasn't laziness ...yet these people had him for 2 years and called it laziness.
Last week, I got phone call ... we're sending a new behavior modification plan out ... we had to rewrite that ... we can't ... we CAN'T have laziness on the form ..it's against policy. We've talked about it and went to our special ed director with it. We don't use that word in this district. Especially not in writing ... to label a child as such is destructive.
I expect to get the form with another adjective to replace lazines .... 2 behaviors on the behavior modification ... but when I get it ... there is only the one ...
and it says Student struggles to turn in work ...
I cried .... tears of joy ... This ...is what we fought so hard for. This, is what it's all about!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Shock
A bit of a shock to my system ... I planned it for about 3 months .... cutting my hair to try to make it look healthier and thicker ... I don't like it much. I want my long thick healthy hair back. But I'm not going to get it back. So ... Hopefully, I will get used to this.
My oldest son loves it.
My youngest doesn't.
My husband doesn't. (but he was with me and held my hand while I did it)
I don't.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I Always Knew I Belonged Here
A teddy bear, that no one wanted, bought by a little girl ... taken home ... repaired ... and made to be acceptable ...to fit in .. to show that he belonged .. he found a home ...
When the story ends Corduroy sighs and says "I always knew I belonged here"
That's how my home is beginning to feel. I was looking at the pictures on my side bar this evening. The ones of the house in building stage ...the brand new, and empty living room, the brightly painted walls ... the cabinets empty .. and newly built, waiting to house our family.
We've been here for slightly more than 2 months. Yet, it feels more like home than the mobile home did in the whole 6 years we lived there! Before that, we'd lived in a smaller mobile home, and that one, it felt like home. It was older, and there were some repairs that needed to be done ... but it was cute ...and we loved it. It, was home. It was where my kids were born, and where we brought up our babies. We loved that place.
The other trailer, while, we appreciated the thought behind the way we got it ... we never liked it. We didn't like the lay out, the trailer was falling apart when we moved in ...and continued to do so more and more. It just wasn't ours. It was always ... his sister's home.
So we get moved into this house ...and it immediately became home. It was so funny ..the first few weeks were this pendulumn between feeling like we'd always belonged here ... and a question of how in the world did we get here. 2 and a half months later ... it's settled. We belong here.
We've taken our less than perfect family, with our health problems and our disorders and our oddities and our quirks ... and made them fit. We've sewn on the button of acceptance. Now we can sit back, smile in the comfort of our own home and say in all confidence ... "We've always known we belonged here, we are home"
Home Sweet Home
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Attention
Last week, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I've posted about him before. Wanda and I call him Dr. Bobblehead. He's a dear man, and a great psychiatrist. I would dare say, one of the best. However, he has this annoying ability (ok, so it's what makes him good at his job) of being able to read me like a book.
So, he walked into the waiting room from the outside, GLANCED at me ... 1/3 of a second ... couldn't have been more and I knew he knew something was wrong. WHAT THE?!?!?!?#?@#@#adfljkrjwrjoweiouisojwlermwailucovhclnvihweroho;nrmwlaehjoihjc ... ok, swearing over.
This isn't the first time he's known in a heart beat that I wasn't ok. It probably, won't be the last. Especially if history of past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. (growl)
However, I'd walked in determined that I was not going to let him in on the weekend's pain. The fact that he was already keyed in ... just annoyed me more.
So, he can't get me to open up. Flashbacks for him, I'm sure. It took him 2 years to get me to uncross my arms! It probably took him 4 months to get a smile out of me. We were 4 or 5 minutes into the session and I still hadn't said anything about what was happening in my life. I know now, it had to be frustrating for him. He could see it written all over me ...and ... there had to be a reason for the walls I'd suddenly thrown up so high. He knows me too well.
So, rather than let the time go ... he knows that I'm feeling pressure, too much pressure over the success of my book. He comments over my nice new clothes and says that he hopes that I am not feeling pressure to dress up for appointments or that I feel like he's putting expectations on me to look professional.
I immediately tell him that no ...the clothes are not new (they weren't the sweater was 20 years old, jeans and shoes came from Salvation army, purse from a garage sale.) He tells me that they are all well cared for.
I ... became very insulted. I didn't tell him right away ...
So, I start to tell him about Benjamin going back to public school to get the attention off my appearance. But I was LIVID that he'd called attention to my appearance.
I also, as my therapist said today ... was pretty mad that I didn't win the Oscar for my performance that everything in my life was AOK ... because he read me immediately.
So, we get through half the appointment ...finally .. and food comes up. My insulin resistance is brought up. How I'm eating ...and the fact that my A1C is 3.7. He slowly turns around and looks at me.
An A1C of 3.7 is low for anyone ...but for someone with insulin resistance?? It's not likely ...unless ... "you've been fasting, a lot"
yea, well ... it's a stress releaser ...remember? Got a nice little lecture on the body feeding on itself and muscle tissue ...including the heart. yada yada yada ... blah ...
He asked me to please, stop, rest, he's not asking me to be perfect, just stop being self destructive.
You know, if he wasn't so dadgum gentle when he said these things ....
So I got home, and I emailed him ... I told him that I was upset with him complimenting me ... that I didn't feel I'd dressed up ... that I'd worn that sweater because it was wear red for heart disease friday ..and I never come in dressed sloucy and I can't win ... and expectations of me ...and ... and ... and ... basically ... I picked a fight with him.
After emailing back and forth several times. Lots of tears, He being the gentle soul that he is, apologizing immediately, saying we'd touched on a tender area and he was so sorry. It needs to be explored ...
I quickly went into my logical side and wanted to say ..all is forgiven ...let's forget about it ... he, being he ...said oh no, we don't need closure this quickly. If we do, we might miss something important. We've touched on a nerve, and something tender, this needs to be explored.
eyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye ....
All this ... because I didn't want him to notice ... the fact that I didn't want the attention ...got me more attention ... great! growl
So, he walked into the waiting room from the outside, GLANCED at me ... 1/3 of a second ... couldn't have been more and I knew he knew something was wrong. WHAT THE?!?!?!?#?@#@#adfljkrjwrjoweiouisojwlermwailucovhclnvihweroho;nrmwlaehjoihjc ... ok, swearing over.
This isn't the first time he's known in a heart beat that I wasn't ok. It probably, won't be the last. Especially if history of past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. (growl)
However, I'd walked in determined that I was not going to let him in on the weekend's pain. The fact that he was already keyed in ... just annoyed me more.
So, he can't get me to open up. Flashbacks for him, I'm sure. It took him 2 years to get me to uncross my arms! It probably took him 4 months to get a smile out of me. We were 4 or 5 minutes into the session and I still hadn't said anything about what was happening in my life. I know now, it had to be frustrating for him. He could see it written all over me ...and ... there had to be a reason for the walls I'd suddenly thrown up so high. He knows me too well.
So, rather than let the time go ... he knows that I'm feeling pressure, too much pressure over the success of my book. He comments over my nice new clothes and says that he hopes that I am not feeling pressure to dress up for appointments or that I feel like he's putting expectations on me to look professional.
I immediately tell him that no ...the clothes are not new (they weren't the sweater was 20 years old, jeans and shoes came from Salvation army, purse from a garage sale.) He tells me that they are all well cared for.
I ... became very insulted. I didn't tell him right away ...
So, I start to tell him about Benjamin going back to public school to get the attention off my appearance. But I was LIVID that he'd called attention to my appearance.
I also, as my therapist said today ... was pretty mad that I didn't win the Oscar for my performance that everything in my life was AOK ... because he read me immediately.
So, we get through half the appointment ...finally .. and food comes up. My insulin resistance is brought up. How I'm eating ...and the fact that my A1C is 3.7. He slowly turns around and looks at me.
An A1C of 3.7 is low for anyone ...but for someone with insulin resistance?? It's not likely ...unless ... "you've been fasting, a lot"
yea, well ... it's a stress releaser ...remember? Got a nice little lecture on the body feeding on itself and muscle tissue ...including the heart. yada yada yada ... blah ...
He asked me to please, stop, rest, he's not asking me to be perfect, just stop being self destructive.
You know, if he wasn't so dadgum gentle when he said these things ....
So I got home, and I emailed him ... I told him that I was upset with him complimenting me ... that I didn't feel I'd dressed up ... that I'd worn that sweater because it was wear red for heart disease friday ..and I never come in dressed sloucy and I can't win ... and expectations of me ...and ... and ... and ... basically ... I picked a fight with him.
After emailing back and forth several times. Lots of tears, He being the gentle soul that he is, apologizing immediately, saying we'd touched on a tender area and he was so sorry. It needs to be explored ...
I quickly went into my logical side and wanted to say ..all is forgiven ...let's forget about it ... he, being he ...said oh no, we don't need closure this quickly. If we do, we might miss something important. We've touched on a nerve, and something tender, this needs to be explored.
eyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye ....
All this ... because I didn't want him to notice ... the fact that I didn't want the attention ...got me more attention ... great! growl
Friday, February 02, 2007
Aristocratic Title
Pearls and Dreams
Hat tip to Artimis .... Who from hence forth shall be known as Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
Tooo funny ...too funn not to do ...get a title yourself to enjoy the weekend.
So thank you Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
Have a great weekend My Lords and My Ladies!
Hat tip to Artimis .... Who from hence forth shall be known as Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
 | My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Milady the Right Reverend Peggikaye the Omnipresent of Withering by the Wold Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title |
Tooo funny ...too funn not to do ...get a title yourself to enjoy the weekend.
So thank you Venerable Lady Artemis the Paragon of Gallop Hophill
Have a great weekend My Lords and My Ladies!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Happy Birthday Daddy
Happy Birthday Daddy, I wish you were here. I would give anything to celebrate this day with you. I still miss you. Normally, I give the tribute to you on the anniversary of your death, but this year, that day is the release of my book and it will be a day of celebration, for the first time since 1979. I will not share that celebration with your suicide. It's the end. It's a new beginning. New life. I have a wonderful husband, and two great kids that you should know, and a beautiful house and a new career starting ... and February 5, the day, that marked for so long, the end of life as I knew ... once again, will mark the day of life changing .... but this time, it will be a celebration. I love you Daddy, and I forever will. The year it hit 25 years, I wrote you the following letter ...
Dear Daddy,
It's the end of 2003, in a few weeks you will have been gone from my life for 25 years. I doubt that there has been a day that I have not thought about you. For many of those 25 years-- I have fought the emotions that try to crowd out my brain. I think a part of me feels that when I face it- 'it' you will be gone and then you are REALLY gone, or worse ... I will have to face the anger I have never admitted to having.
Dad, I never wanted to face this, but now I have friends whose lives are in danger and I can face it and be there for them -- or I can run from them and never know if they made it or not.
I don't know where to start, so I'll walk you through my day, the day my life changed forever. The day, you changed my life forever.
I got up that morning and you gave me a ride to school. The last words I ever heard from you were "Peggi, I love you" I went into school that day, wishing desperately that you'd get rid of that awful blue Ford Truck that we had! After all, we lived in the big city of Pueblo now!
I had an exceptionally good day in school that day. I had challened for chair in clarinet and actually won! I will never forget the two songs. "Dust in the Wind" and "Don't Cry Out Loud" I can't stand those two songs now ... especially "Don't Cry Out Loud" ...would you still be here if you'd been willing to cry out loud?
I went into my math class - I hadted that class! We'd taken a test the friday before. I was doing awful in math that year. I knew I was going to disappoint you again. The math teacher handed out the tests - on the top of mine was a big A- ... a 91%!!! I couldn't believe it! I couldn't wait to show you!
The test, challenge for my chair .. a successful challenge! I was finally NOT last chair! You were going to be so proud of me! I couldn't wait for my hug!
School was FINALLY over and I RAN all the way home. I saw the truck in the driveway and burst through the door yelling for you.
You weren't in the living room.
You weren't in the kitchen.
or your bedroom.
I ran down to the basement.
I ran back up to the kitchen and on the dining room table was a note on a yellow note pad. A legal pad.
You must have gone for a walk.
I read the note.
I didn't understand it! But through my confusion, I started to cry. I got to the bottom - "You wil find my body in the shed" I started to run out back.
I could hear someone off in the distance, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I got to the shed door. The screaming continued. I opened the door, and I could still hear that screaming off in the distance.
You were there.
I have never described this to anyone - I guess it's time. I don't know how long I stood there ... listening to the stranger in the distance screaming ... it seemed like forever.
(triggering for trauma)
Did you know that hanging yourself would grossly effect your appearance? Did you know your eyes would be open and buldging?Did you know your lips would be filled with blood and the lack of oxygen turn them bright blue? Did you know that I would be the one to find you? What were your thoughts? Did you regret your decision before you died? Did you know that the image of you hanging there would be forever emblazoned on my mind?
I slammed the door and ran back into the house. The screaming in the distance had never stopped! I called the police, the screaming finally stopped. My throat started to heart, and my ears started to ring ... somehow, I became aware that I might have been the one screaming.
I called the police ... or was it 911? Not sure. They had to calm me down from the screaming ... when they finally got me calmed down I told her that you'd killed yourself. She asked me how I knew -- did I find the body? I told her 'no'
I don't know why.
not sure I ever will I don't think any amount of introspection could reveal the why of a traumatized 14 year olds answer to denial. She asked me if I heard a gunshot. I cried "no, he left a note"
Soon, the neighbor, next door, he worked nights, came to the door. He'd heard me screaming. He came and talked to the operator on the phone. She had him take me next door till the police got there.
The next hours are filled with memories of terror. I only remember so much - and yet, it is all so clear. I remember trying to comfort my mom with quoting Romans 8:28. I am still waiting for that promise to be fulfilled. I cannot see any way shape or form how things are better with you gone from my life. I think you would like who I grew up to be. But I think I would be better with you being a part of my life.
Here is where I stop my story, no matter why I'm telling it, writing it, or thinking about it. I never let myself dig deep. I can't handle the thoughts and feelings it leads to ...so I just don't go there. I've put the facts down but not the feelings, so I guess, it's time to talk about those feelings.
How could you leave me? Did you know my world revolved around you? Didn't you know that you made the fact that my 'real dad' didn't like me ok? Didn't you know that I didn't mind mom ignoring me because you loved me? Didn't you know that I was safe because you were my Daddy?
The memories you gave me have carried on. I can still hear your voice when we sing hymms like When the Role is Called up Yonder or Amazing Grace, or Old Rugged Cross or What a Friend We have In Jesus.
I can still HEAR you sing praises to God and hear you read the Bible verses at the dinner table!
I felt lost without you. Nothing sounded right, smelled right, taksted right or looked right. You're gone, so it's not the same! You were always the one to stand in the gap betwee me and the rejections I got ... from Debbie ...from my real Dad ...from Mom.
When you died, mom got upset and said "who is going to eat the heels" I can remember being very upset. Now, as a mom, I realize it's the little things that count.
At the time, I was mad, I wanted to scream at her that it wasn't about her ... this was about you.
But somethings never change ... it is still about her. Her loss, her grief (which, is real) I can remember when I finally told the teachers at my school that I didn't just find a note, but I found you, (In a traumatic flashback) I heard Mom on the phone with a friend asking for prayer ... she called all of her friends asking for prayer for her ...because she was so hurt that I never told her. She told Judy that I was trying to protect mom, that's why I denied finding you.
Mom went to counseling to help her deal with the knowlege that I'd kept this secret. But she didn't put me into therapy. YOU would have been the person that would have to have helped me through this type of crisis. But you were gone. Worse, you were the cause of the crisis. You were the one who kept the family balanced and you left. You chose to leave!
I learned to hide my grief and fears and sadness. You're not there to help me, so I stopped growing the day you died. Many things that I have had to face in therapy all come back to when I learned to hide from myself -- the day you died. When I denied seeing you.
We had a closed casket funeral. Everyone else wanted open but I couldn't bear to look again. I didn't know at that time that they could fix the grotesqueness that you hanging yourself had caused. I never saw you after seeing you hanging there in your tourquoise pants and shirt with swollen lips that matched the clothes. I never have gotten to hear you sing hymns again.
I have never been the same and to to this day the words 'suicide' or 'kill yourself' or anything of the like sends chills down my spine and a flash picture of you in my mind ...of you hanging there ... in the shed ... and me ...helpless ...someone screaming off in the distance.
I can't bear the thought of loosing someone else by their own hand so I protect myself. If the person I am close to starts talking suicide, I run ... I am no longer friends. So, if they do, I've lost nothing. I cant' feel the pain of grief.
I'm mad your gone Dad! I'm mad you chose to die! I'm mad that you put me in a place of grief. I'm mad that when I needed you to protect me the most, when you had the biggest opportunity to protect me from something you not only didn't protect me but it was YOU that put me in harms way. Daddy, when I needed you the most, you betrayed me. You failed to protect me from the ulitimate rejection: your chosen death.
So, here I am, a dozen pages (hand written) still sitting on the couch and nothing has changed except that I finally admitted that I was angry that you left. Maybe now that it's out I can face my friends grief. Maybe now I can trust myself to protect myself through prayer instead of denial ...to place my heart into the hand of God.
I admitted that you made me angry Daddy. But I still miss you. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. Harold Wayne Pearson January 31, 1929 - February 5,1979
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Dear Daddy,
It's the end of 2003, in a few weeks you will have been gone from my life for 25 years. I doubt that there has been a day that I have not thought about you. For many of those 25 years-- I have fought the emotions that try to crowd out my brain. I think a part of me feels that when I face it- 'it' you will be gone and then you are REALLY gone, or worse ... I will have to face the anger I have never admitted to having.
Dad, I never wanted to face this, but now I have friends whose lives are in danger and I can face it and be there for them -- or I can run from them and never know if they made it or not.
I don't know where to start, so I'll walk you through my day, the day my life changed forever. The day, you changed my life forever.
I got up that morning and you gave me a ride to school. The last words I ever heard from you were "Peggi, I love you" I went into school that day, wishing desperately that you'd get rid of that awful blue Ford Truck that we had! After all, we lived in the big city of Pueblo now!
I had an exceptionally good day in school that day. I had challened for chair in clarinet and actually won! I will never forget the two songs. "Dust in the Wind" and "Don't Cry Out Loud" I can't stand those two songs now ... especially "Don't Cry Out Loud" ...would you still be here if you'd been willing to cry out loud?
I went into my math class - I hadted that class! We'd taken a test the friday before. I was doing awful in math that year. I knew I was going to disappoint you again. The math teacher handed out the tests - on the top of mine was a big A- ... a 91%!!! I couldn't believe it! I couldn't wait to show you!
The test, challenge for my chair .. a successful challenge! I was finally NOT last chair! You were going to be so proud of me! I couldn't wait for my hug!
School was FINALLY over and I RAN all the way home. I saw the truck in the driveway and burst through the door yelling for you.
You weren't in the living room.
You weren't in the kitchen.
or your bedroom.
I ran down to the basement.
I ran back up to the kitchen and on the dining room table was a note on a yellow note pad. A legal pad.
You must have gone for a walk.
I read the note.
I didn't understand it! But through my confusion, I started to cry. I got to the bottom - "You wil find my body in the shed" I started to run out back.
I could hear someone off in the distance, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I got to the shed door. The screaming continued. I opened the door, and I could still hear that screaming off in the distance.
You were there.
I have never described this to anyone - I guess it's time. I don't know how long I stood there ... listening to the stranger in the distance screaming ... it seemed like forever.
(triggering for trauma)
Did you know that hanging yourself would grossly effect your appearance? Did you know your eyes would be open and buldging?Did you know your lips would be filled with blood and the lack of oxygen turn them bright blue? Did you know that I would be the one to find you? What were your thoughts? Did you regret your decision before you died? Did you know that the image of you hanging there would be forever emblazoned on my mind?
I slammed the door and ran back into the house. The screaming in the distance had never stopped! I called the police, the screaming finally stopped. My throat started to heart, and my ears started to ring ... somehow, I became aware that I might have been the one screaming.
I called the police ... or was it 911? Not sure. They had to calm me down from the screaming ... when they finally got me calmed down I told her that you'd killed yourself. She asked me how I knew -- did I find the body? I told her 'no'
I don't know why.
not sure I ever will I don't think any amount of introspection could reveal the why of a traumatized 14 year olds answer to denial. She asked me if I heard a gunshot. I cried "no, he left a note"
Soon, the neighbor, next door, he worked nights, came to the door. He'd heard me screaming. He came and talked to the operator on the phone. She had him take me next door till the police got there.
The next hours are filled with memories of terror. I only remember so much - and yet, it is all so clear. I remember trying to comfort my mom with quoting Romans 8:28. I am still waiting for that promise to be fulfilled. I cannot see any way shape or form how things are better with you gone from my life. I think you would like who I grew up to be. But I think I would be better with you being a part of my life.
Here is where I stop my story, no matter why I'm telling it, writing it, or thinking about it. I never let myself dig deep. I can't handle the thoughts and feelings it leads to ...so I just don't go there. I've put the facts down but not the feelings, so I guess, it's time to talk about those feelings.
How could you leave me? Did you know my world revolved around you? Didn't you know that you made the fact that my 'real dad' didn't like me ok? Didn't you know that I didn't mind mom ignoring me because you loved me? Didn't you know that I was safe because you were my Daddy?
The memories you gave me have carried on. I can still hear your voice when we sing hymms like When the Role is Called up Yonder or Amazing Grace, or Old Rugged Cross or What a Friend We have In Jesus.
I can still HEAR you sing praises to God and hear you read the Bible verses at the dinner table!
I felt lost without you. Nothing sounded right, smelled right, taksted right or looked right. You're gone, so it's not the same! You were always the one to stand in the gap betwee me and the rejections I got ... from Debbie ...from my real Dad ...from Mom.
When you died, mom got upset and said "who is going to eat the heels" I can remember being very upset. Now, as a mom, I realize it's the little things that count.
At the time, I was mad, I wanted to scream at her that it wasn't about her ... this was about you.
But somethings never change ... it is still about her. Her loss, her grief (which, is real) I can remember when I finally told the teachers at my school that I didn't just find a note, but I found you, (In a traumatic flashback) I heard Mom on the phone with a friend asking for prayer ... she called all of her friends asking for prayer for her ...because she was so hurt that I never told her. She told Judy that I was trying to protect mom, that's why I denied finding you.
Mom went to counseling to help her deal with the knowlege that I'd kept this secret. But she didn't put me into therapy. YOU would have been the person that would have to have helped me through this type of crisis. But you were gone. Worse, you were the cause of the crisis. You were the one who kept the family balanced and you left. You chose to leave!
I learned to hide my grief and fears and sadness. You're not there to help me, so I stopped growing the day you died. Many things that I have had to face in therapy all come back to when I learned to hide from myself -- the day you died. When I denied seeing you.
We had a closed casket funeral. Everyone else wanted open but I couldn't bear to look again. I didn't know at that time that they could fix the grotesqueness that you hanging yourself had caused. I never saw you after seeing you hanging there in your tourquoise pants and shirt with swollen lips that matched the clothes. I never have gotten to hear you sing hymns again.
I have never been the same and to to this day the words 'suicide' or 'kill yourself' or anything of the like sends chills down my spine and a flash picture of you in my mind ...of you hanging there ... in the shed ... and me ...helpless ...someone screaming off in the distance.
I can't bear the thought of loosing someone else by their own hand so I protect myself. If the person I am close to starts talking suicide, I run ... I am no longer friends. So, if they do, I've lost nothing. I cant' feel the pain of grief.
I'm mad your gone Dad! I'm mad you chose to die! I'm mad that you put me in a place of grief. I'm mad that when I needed you to protect me the most, when you had the biggest opportunity to protect me from something you not only didn't protect me but it was YOU that put me in harms way. Daddy, when I needed you the most, you betrayed me. You failed to protect me from the ulitimate rejection: your chosen death.
So, here I am, a dozen pages (hand written) still sitting on the couch and nothing has changed except that I finally admitted that I was angry that you left. Maybe now that it's out I can face my friends grief. Maybe now I can trust myself to protect myself through prayer instead of denial ...to place my heart into the hand of God.
I admitted that you made me angry Daddy. But I still miss you. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. Harold Wayne Pearson January 31, 1929 - February 5,1979
Left Behind, Suicide is Not Painless
Pulling in the parking lot,
The hymn you're belting out,
I am aware of nothing,
But my Daddy's praising shout.
A walk in the woods together,
On Thanksgiving day each fall,
It gives my mom a needed break,
As we ran and talked or played ball.
When my peers would tease me,
And I thought my heart would break,
It was in your arms I found comfort,
You knew my future was at stake!
Then one day I ran home,
A good day at school I'd had,
Excited to share my joy,
I didn't know I'd lost you, Dad.
The time will stand forever,
A memory never to be erased.
A vision of horror and pain,
Abandoned, now pain, with anger laced.
You left me when I needed you,
Your pain stronger than my love,
I was still a child at heart,
But that day - into adulthood, shoved.
What pain could you have had,
That made it worth changing my life.
Did you understand my heart,
Would be shattered under this strife.
"Get over it already!"
I heard from those around,
I learned I could not grieve,
Show only a smile, never a frown.
So instead of healing pain,
Denial became my game.
Never show the broken heart,
Being sad brings only shame.
It's time for real healing,
That means reaching out to show,
Christ's love to the hurting,
Through healing, brings a time to grow.
How can I tell others,
That what you did was wrong?
If I cannot face the loss and pain,
Can I help them understand the new song?
Let's finally face it, Daddy,
Your choice for death was bad,
Not only did you kill yourself,
But you broke my heart, made me sad.
Your temporary depression,
Caused for me a life of grief,
I must choose God's healing,
Only He can bring true relief!
Your death I tried to bury,
But I have friends looking down your path,
Somehow I have to show them,
They would leave behind pain and wrath!
A permanent deadly solution,
To a hearts temporary pain,
It is not the real answer,
It will bring heartache, not gain!
Real healing will only come,
When in God's able hands they leave,
Their own pain and desperation,
In God's mercy they must believe.
From a father who chose death,
To a God who breathes life,
An experience to share with all,
Proof God can heal a heart's strife.
So while I know their pain is real,
And I don't mean to lessen their grief,
I do want to be an example,
That only God, not death brings relief.
I will shout it from a mountain,
Write the words on many a page,
Till others know of God's grace,
And choose life, not death or rage.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Monday, January 29, 2007
Pearls and Dreams
We had a guest speaker today. A former pastor of our church. I'd only seen him once, and I've never met him (not even today). I'd never heard him preach till today. He was quite good. I understood why he was so loved as the pastor of the church.
His love for God ...so evident ... his love for God's people of all ages ... oozed from every fiber of his being. Just as I was wondering ... can a former pastor come serve as pastor again? He made the comment of "If only I was 40 years younger!" Well, I guess not ... I guess he's saying he's retired ...and not willing to take that position. It's a shame.
Tomorrow, Benjamin starts school again. Our last day of homeschooling behind us. We are in the new district, the one with the exceptional special education program. I went to enroll him last week. The woman who was less than polite made the not so quiet remark to her co worker about it being "3 weeks into the semester, what do these parents think they're doing?"
I wanted to quip back ... "you're gossiping within ear shot of my 8th grader, what do you think you're doing?" I didn't, I pretended I didn't hear. When I was in there last summer, she'd made a negative remark about every person who came in the door, I'd learned, that she really doesn't have anything nice to say. It's her, it's not me. It's also not the district. It's sad that that is one of the first people that parents have to deal with when going to the district.
My other response was ...and this I really almost DID respond ... it's ONE day into the third week ... the first week was half a week .. and the second week was snowed out ... he's missed exactly 4 days of the semester. Please. Get real.
There was a problem with the records ... so it took all week to get that straightened out ...so tomorrow is his first day.
We're nervous. I'm hopeful. I've heard so many good things about this districts special education program for so long. But, he is so not trusting of teachers after what he's been through. He is just so sure they are going to say and do mean things. He has made so much progress through homeschooling ... he's come such a long way!
My goodness ... he read the HOBBIT! There was no way he could have read that when we pulled him out! In the time he's been out of school, he's learned about aviation history, he's learned about the egyptian mummy's, he's learned about politics and world relations. He even watched, and discussed, the Presidential address last week! He watched the whole thing, start to finish, and talked about it with his dad for about 20 minutes afterwards. He watched some of the commentary ... and told his dad why he thought some of it did, and did not make sense!
What he's learned over the last several months, is that, he can learn. That he is fairly intelligent, even if he has to learn it differently. Sometimes, it doesn't even take longer, like it was thought ...it's just DIFFERENT ... now ... it's a matter of hoping we can work with the school, to make sure those differences are appropriately addressed ... so that he can work and still learn ...and not shut down and be scared again.
After I take him to school, if I don't chicken out, I think, I'm going to go to Toastmaster's. We'll see. I have to A) be brave enough and B) feel well enough.
His love for God ...so evident ... his love for God's people of all ages ... oozed from every fiber of his being. Just as I was wondering ... can a former pastor come serve as pastor again? He made the comment of "If only I was 40 years younger!" Well, I guess not ... I guess he's saying he's retired ...and not willing to take that position. It's a shame.
Tomorrow, Benjamin starts school again. Our last day of homeschooling behind us. We are in the new district, the one with the exceptional special education program. I went to enroll him last week. The woman who was less than polite made the not so quiet remark to her co worker about it being "3 weeks into the semester, what do these parents think they're doing?"
I wanted to quip back ... "you're gossiping within ear shot of my 8th grader, what do you think you're doing?" I didn't, I pretended I didn't hear. When I was in there last summer, she'd made a negative remark about every person who came in the door, I'd learned, that she really doesn't have anything nice to say. It's her, it's not me. It's also not the district. It's sad that that is one of the first people that parents have to deal with when going to the district.
My other response was ...and this I really almost DID respond ... it's ONE day into the third week ... the first week was half a week .. and the second week was snowed out ... he's missed exactly 4 days of the semester. Please. Get real.
There was a problem with the records ... so it took all week to get that straightened out ...so tomorrow is his first day.
We're nervous. I'm hopeful. I've heard so many good things about this districts special education program for so long. But, he is so not trusting of teachers after what he's been through. He is just so sure they are going to say and do mean things. He has made so much progress through homeschooling ... he's come such a long way!
My goodness ... he read the HOBBIT! There was no way he could have read that when we pulled him out! In the time he's been out of school, he's learned about aviation history, he's learned about the egyptian mummy's, he's learned about politics and world relations. He even watched, and discussed, the Presidential address last week! He watched the whole thing, start to finish, and talked about it with his dad for about 20 minutes afterwards. He watched some of the commentary ... and told his dad why he thought some of it did, and did not make sense!
What he's learned over the last several months, is that, he can learn. That he is fairly intelligent, even if he has to learn it differently. Sometimes, it doesn't even take longer, like it was thought ...it's just DIFFERENT ... now ... it's a matter of hoping we can work with the school, to make sure those differences are appropriately addressed ... so that he can work and still learn ...and not shut down and be scared again.
After I take him to school, if I don't chicken out, I think, I'm going to go to Toastmaster's. We'll see. I have to A) be brave enough and B) feel well enough.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
Pearls and Dreams
note ... the barnes and noble link takes you to amazon page ... I will fix it in a bit.
you can go to barnes and noble.com and look up my book if you're a member to get the discount.
I will fix this post when I get back on line ... ARGH!
you can go to barnes and noble.com and look up my book if you're a member to get the discount.
I will fix this post when I get back on line ... ARGH!
How to Get Friday Fellowship
How to get a copy of Friday Fellowship.
There are several ways to get a copy of Friday Fellowship.
One, you can go to PublishAmerica.com and go to their bookstore and do a search for it. I would put a link, but their links don't have 'memory' and you'd just have to search for it again. (I think, they want you to see their site :) )
Two, go to Barnes and Noble.com (book club members get a discount)
Four, you can send me a check or money order for 15.95 + shipping and handling, email me at FridayFellowship@hotmail.com to find out where to send the check to, etc. This, will take the longest, But, I will be able to sign it if you want it signed (why do people do that?) Six to 8 weeks minimum, because we have to order the book, (we have the 4 to 6 week turn around) then send it to you. Not trying to discourage you, because this is the best option for me as an author (I make more money on the book this way) but, I do want to be honest at this stage of the process. When we get some in stock at home, it will be easier to send it out faster.
And Five, Wait a couple of weeks, it will be available for stores on February 5th, you can go to a Christian book store, and probably Barnes and Noble type stores, and ask them to order it if they don't have it and give them the Title, Author and ISBN number which is
Friday Fellowship
by Peggikaye Eagler
More ViewsMore Views
Paperback
ISBN: 1424157722
Pub. Date: December 2006
Just an FYI on the Barnes and Noble site it said that :
B&N Customers Who Bought This Book Also Bought
Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson
Mitch Albom
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Zora Neale Hurston, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat
Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Anna Quindlen, Betty Smith
Overcoming Life's Disappointments
Harold S. Kushner
The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity
Julia Cameron
There are several ways to get a copy of Friday Fellowship.
One, you can go to PublishAmerica.com and go to their bookstore and do a search for it. I would put a link, but their links don't have 'memory' and you'd just have to search for it again. (I think, they want you to see their site :) )
Two, go to Barnes and Noble.com (book club members get a discount)
Four, you can send me a check or money order for 15.95 + shipping and handling, email me at FridayFellowship@hotmail.com to find out where to send the check to, etc. This, will take the longest, But, I will be able to sign it if you want it signed (why do people do that?) Six to 8 weeks minimum, because we have to order the book, (we have the 4 to 6 week turn around) then send it to you. Not trying to discourage you, because this is the best option for me as an author (I make more money on the book this way) but, I do want to be honest at this stage of the process. When we get some in stock at home, it will be easier to send it out faster.
And Five, Wait a couple of weeks, it will be available for stores on February 5th, you can go to a Christian book store, and probably Barnes and Noble type stores, and ask them to order it if they don't have it and give them the Title, Author and ISBN number which is
Friday Fellowship
by Peggikaye Eagler
More ViewsMore Views
Paperback
ISBN: 1424157722
Pub. Date: December 2006
Just an FYI on the Barnes and Noble site it said that :
B&N Customers Who Bought This Book Also Bought
Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson
Mitch Albom
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Zora Neale Hurston, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat, Henry Louis Gates, Edwidge Danticat
Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Anna Quindlen, Betty Smith
Overcoming Life's Disappointments
Harold S. Kushner
The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity
Julia Cameron
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Time, Bible, Panic, Contemplations
Pearls and Dreams
So, This may turn into quite a long post. I forgive you now if you don't want to read it.
When I first started to write again, and everyone started to push me to publish ...one of the comments made was "do you know how much money you can make?" (answer ... not much!) I would get very upset, I didn't write for money, or for praises ... and I couldn't seem to get people to understand that I wrote to share what God has done in my life. I wrote, for one reason ...to bring glory to God. To me, that's what it is about ...to others, it means more.
We learned a song in church that I immediately fell in love with ... Only a God like You ...
Only a God Like You
Words and Music by Tommy Walker
For the Praises of man,
I will never ever stand.
For the kingdoms of this world
I'll never give my heart away
Oh shout my praise
My allegiance and devotion
My heart's desire and all emotion
Go to serve the Man
Who died upon that tree
Chorus
~~~~
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
To only my Maker my Father my Savior
Redeemer Restorer Rebuilder Rewarder
To only a God like You
Do I give my praise
*****************************************
So, clung to that, telling God that I wanted nothing more than to bring glory to Him. I wanted to stop writing because it was bringing attention to me, not to God. But, I kept being prompted to write. So, write I did.
Sold articles to Focus on the Family, Tulsa Kids and Community Spirit ... and the writing the book.
I wrote the book, because I thought it was what God wanted me to do ... the follow through to get it published ... was, I thought, an act of obedience. I sincerely did not think it would go anywhere.
When I first found a publisher, my reaction was: what kind of Mickey mouse publisher would actually look at my book? (yes, I actually asked that question to a friend!)
But, they not only wanted to look at it, they wanted to publish it. I let it drop, because ...well, things were chaotic. Ironically, (God thing) a month after things calmed down in my personal life, the publisher CALLED and said "hey, that book you submitted 18 months ago, we still want!" (not exact words) hmmmm
So, I followed through this time. As you all know, it became a published work. Exciting stuff ... heady stuff ...and stuff ...that panic attacks are made of for people like me.
To blog, with my name on there ... I did intentionally, because, I knew I was working toward being published. But, there is still an air of anonymity to blogging, no matter how public the blog is. It is still ...anonymous.
Suddenly, with the book, there are newspapers calling. I have a responsibility to go to book stores and say "Hi, I'm Peggikaye Eagler, this is my book, order it!" I have to have book signings ... many things that a responsible author will do to make sure that the book is a success.
I've kicked, and I've screamed at God ... and I've had some serious, SERIOUS panic attacks over this. No, I'm not going to ...and the reporters come anyway.
So, on January 7th, we sang that song ...and God reminds me ... the book, is for HIS glory ... It's not about me, but it's a tool he's used ... a calling he's given ...so ... I must obey. It's not for my praise, but for him. Suddenly, my heels in the sand ... were working against me ...my declaration about I'm not doing this for me ... was double sided. If I'm not doing this for me, but for God ...then don't I have a responsibility to see it through? (Don't ya hate it when God uses your prayers to stretch you?)
So, the answer is given ... I have a responsibility to do this. This doesn't help the panic. Doesn't help the fear ...and I'm terrified.
I talked to my psychiatrist and he mentions something about hypervigelence and PTSD. It kind of made sense, except, I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop ... I'm terrified I'm going to mess this up. My fear is now stemmed from a fear that I cannot live up to what's been asked of me. I have failed, so many times ...what makes me think this is really going to be different?
The panic wells up in me ...and I become paralyzed. I am coming to realize that ... God understood panic, and panic attacks ...one of the scriptures that I clung to when I was sooo hurt and lonely before my marriage was healed was Psalm 91.
I had to go to a funeral today, and the 'officiator' read that. ('the officiator' is actually our now resigned pastor, he's only been gone 3 weeks, but it was SO good to see him today, didn't get to talk to him, but I got to see him, and he gave me a hug.) and I heard a verse ...anew ... like I'd never heard it before ...
11 He has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go. 12 They will catch you in their hands so that you will not hit your foot on a rock
My eyes about jumped out of my head. I'm so scared I'm going to trip this up, that I'm the one that's going to be the one to drop the other shoe ...that I'm not able to succeed at this ..and there it is ... so that you will not hit your foot on a rock.
That, combined with some other scriptures ...Proverbs 3:21-26
21 My child, hold on to wisdom and good sense. Don't let them out of your sight. 22 They will give you life and beauty like a necklace around your neck. 23 Then you will go your way in safety, and you will not get hurt. 24 When you lie down, you won't be afraid; when you lie down, you will sleep in peace. 25 You won't be afraid of sudden trouble; you won't fear the ruin that comes to the wicked, 26 because the Lord will keep you safe. He will keep you from being trapped.
Proverbs 3:1-5
1 My child, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in mind. 2 Then you will live a long time, and your life will be successful. 3 Don't ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet. 4 Then you will be respected and will please both God and people. 5 Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. 6 Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.
The realization that God, understood that I would be afraid of the sudden fear, the panic ...and that I would be afraid of the success, that I can't do it ... is quite the revelation.
I don't know how in the world I'm going to come up with the courage to walk into the bookstores. I don't imagine when it comes time for book signings that I'm going to be thrilled. I will not be overly thrilled at speaking engagements (already been asked to do one). But, I can, and probably will get used to it ...because I'm seeking after God ...and I'm trying to do His will ...and this is ...about bringing glory to Him.
Now, if only I can remember this all when the panic attacks hit ...*crossing eyes & a Moofie cough*
So, This may turn into quite a long post. I forgive you now if you don't want to read it.
When I first started to write again, and everyone started to push me to publish ...one of the comments made was "do you know how much money you can make?" (answer ... not much!) I would get very upset, I didn't write for money, or for praises ... and I couldn't seem to get people to understand that I wrote to share what God has done in my life. I wrote, for one reason ...to bring glory to God. To me, that's what it is about ...to others, it means more.
We learned a song in church that I immediately fell in love with ... Only a God like You ...
Only a God Like You
Words and Music by Tommy Walker
For the Praises of man,
I will never ever stand.
For the kingdoms of this world
I'll never give my heart away
Oh shout my praise
My allegiance and devotion
My heart's desire and all emotion
Go to serve the Man
Who died upon that tree
Chorus
~~~~
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
Only a God like You
Could be worthy of my praise
And all my hope and faith
To only a King of all kings
Do I bow my knee and sing
Give my everything
To only my Maker my Father my Savior
Redeemer Restorer Rebuilder Rewarder
To only a God like You
Do I give my praise
*****************************************
So, clung to that, telling God that I wanted nothing more than to bring glory to Him. I wanted to stop writing because it was bringing attention to me, not to God. But, I kept being prompted to write. So, write I did.
Sold articles to Focus on the Family, Tulsa Kids and Community Spirit ... and the writing the book.
I wrote the book, because I thought it was what God wanted me to do ... the follow through to get it published ... was, I thought, an act of obedience. I sincerely did not think it would go anywhere.
When I first found a publisher, my reaction was: what kind of Mickey mouse publisher would actually look at my book? (yes, I actually asked that question to a friend!)
But, they not only wanted to look at it, they wanted to publish it. I let it drop, because ...well, things were chaotic. Ironically, (God thing) a month after things calmed down in my personal life, the publisher CALLED and said "hey, that book you submitted 18 months ago, we still want!" (not exact words) hmmmm
So, I followed through this time. As you all know, it became a published work. Exciting stuff ... heady stuff ...and stuff ...that panic attacks are made of for people like me.
To blog, with my name on there ... I did intentionally, because, I knew I was working toward being published. But, there is still an air of anonymity to blogging, no matter how public the blog is. It is still ...anonymous.
Suddenly, with the book, there are newspapers calling. I have a responsibility to go to book stores and say "Hi, I'm Peggikaye Eagler, this is my book, order it!" I have to have book signings ... many things that a responsible author will do to make sure that the book is a success.
I've kicked, and I've screamed at God ... and I've had some serious, SERIOUS panic attacks over this. No, I'm not going to ...and the reporters come anyway.
So, on January 7th, we sang that song ...and God reminds me ... the book, is for HIS glory ... It's not about me, but it's a tool he's used ... a calling he's given ...so ... I must obey. It's not for my praise, but for him. Suddenly, my heels in the sand ... were working against me ...my declaration about I'm not doing this for me ... was double sided. If I'm not doing this for me, but for God ...then don't I have a responsibility to see it through? (Don't ya hate it when God uses your prayers to stretch you?)
So, the answer is given ... I have a responsibility to do this. This doesn't help the panic. Doesn't help the fear ...and I'm terrified.
I talked to my psychiatrist and he mentions something about hypervigelence and PTSD. It kind of made sense, except, I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop ... I'm terrified I'm going to mess this up. My fear is now stemmed from a fear that I cannot live up to what's been asked of me. I have failed, so many times ...what makes me think this is really going to be different?
The panic wells up in me ...and I become paralyzed. I am coming to realize that ... God understood panic, and panic attacks ...one of the scriptures that I clung to when I was sooo hurt and lonely before my marriage was healed was Psalm 91.
I had to go to a funeral today, and the 'officiator' read that. ('the officiator' is actually our now resigned pastor, he's only been gone 3 weeks, but it was SO good to see him today, didn't get to talk to him, but I got to see him, and he gave me a hug.) and I heard a verse ...anew ... like I'd never heard it before ...
11 He has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go. 12 They will catch you in their hands so that you will not hit your foot on a rock
My eyes about jumped out of my head. I'm so scared I'm going to trip this up, that I'm the one that's going to be the one to drop the other shoe ...that I'm not able to succeed at this ..and there it is ... so that you will not hit your foot on a rock.
That, combined with some other scriptures ...Proverbs 3:21-26
21 My child, hold on to wisdom and good sense. Don't let them out of your sight. 22 They will give you life and beauty like a necklace around your neck. 23 Then you will go your way in safety, and you will not get hurt. 24 When you lie down, you won't be afraid; when you lie down, you will sleep in peace. 25 You won't be afraid of sudden trouble; you won't fear the ruin that comes to the wicked, 26 because the Lord will keep you safe. He will keep you from being trapped.
Proverbs 3:1-5
1 My child, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in mind. 2 Then you will live a long time, and your life will be successful. 3 Don't ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet. 4 Then you will be respected and will please both God and people. 5 Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. 6 Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.
The realization that God, understood that I would be afraid of the sudden fear, the panic ...and that I would be afraid of the success, that I can't do it ... is quite the revelation.
I don't know how in the world I'm going to come up with the courage to walk into the bookstores. I don't imagine when it comes time for book signings that I'm going to be thrilled. I will not be overly thrilled at speaking engagements (already been asked to do one). But, I can, and probably will get used to it ...because I'm seeking after God ...and I'm trying to do His will ...and this is ...about bringing glory to Him.
Now, if only I can remember this all when the panic attacks hit ...*crossing eyes & a Moofie cough*
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Wednesday Wackiness
And the Ice Age continues inspite of the video that's on my DVD player right now.
I cannot believe the weather we're having this winter.
I'm beginning to feel like the Mammoth in Ice Age ... "A thousand years ago it was covered in ice ... a thousand years from now it will be covered in ice!" Where is our meltdown????
We normally have a bad storm a winter, and 2 to 3 days later, you cannot tell we've had wintery precipitation ...
This year, blizzard in December, first in Oklahoma history ..and 10 days later we were still looking at white stuff. Here we are ... in January, we have already met our winter quota for the year ...yet, an ice storm hits on Friday ...and here we sit with yet another "snow" day for Thursday. Yes, it could be worse ... I could be without power, or ...I could be still in the delapitated trailer.
I got out today for the first time. I went to my urologist. He started me on Sanctura. Better than self catheterization. I was annoyed because he insisted on calling my neurologist first. I told him that I could take it, as long as I was cautious and paid attention.
He got iffy ...and decided since it's an anticholenergic (sp?) that he better call.
The drug comes with a warning ...do not take with myastheia gravis. yea .. I know. But it's a risk vs benifit thing.
I've taken my first dose, my eyes are dried out and I'm thirsty as all get out. My vision is a bit blurry, and I'm fighting double vision. Till more Myasthenia symptoms show up, I'm not going to worry. Blurry vision is a side effect of the medication ... OR ... I've been stressed out today, and that alone could cause my vision to double.
I started my day off with a reporter at my house to take a picture of me with my book. He was very nice, thankfully. But, this publicity is getting to me. I haven't even done half of what I should be doing. I also didn't count on it taking off on it's own and word getting out without my help (he found out through the Tulsa Ministerial Alliance yearly meeting ... they found out through Habitat ... )
I guess I should get used to it. Somehow. I keep thinking of last years 5th Sunday dinners at my church that I wouldn't even go to because I didn't want to be on the spot. Ugh. This is causing a new level of panic attack. I did talk to my psychiatrist about my weird reaction. Why can't I enjoy this and why is it bringing up such fears ...he said "PTSD ...hypervigilence" there was quite a bit in the .... but, that was the gyst of it. I'm trying to learn about it now ... see if I can get some kind of control on it.
Now ...if the ice would just melt ....
I cannot believe the weather we're having this winter.
I'm beginning to feel like the Mammoth in Ice Age ... "A thousand years ago it was covered in ice ... a thousand years from now it will be covered in ice!" Where is our meltdown????
We normally have a bad storm a winter, and 2 to 3 days later, you cannot tell we've had wintery precipitation ...
This year, blizzard in December, first in Oklahoma history ..and 10 days later we were still looking at white stuff. Here we are ... in January, we have already met our winter quota for the year ...yet, an ice storm hits on Friday ...and here we sit with yet another "snow" day for Thursday. Yes, it could be worse ... I could be without power, or ...I could be still in the delapitated trailer.
I got out today for the first time. I went to my urologist. He started me on Sanctura. Better than self catheterization. I was annoyed because he insisted on calling my neurologist first. I told him that I could take it, as long as I was cautious and paid attention.
He got iffy ...and decided since it's an anticholenergic (sp?) that he better call.
The drug comes with a warning ...do not take with myastheia gravis. yea .. I know. But it's a risk vs benifit thing.
I've taken my first dose, my eyes are dried out and I'm thirsty as all get out. My vision is a bit blurry, and I'm fighting double vision. Till more Myasthenia symptoms show up, I'm not going to worry. Blurry vision is a side effect of the medication ... OR ... I've been stressed out today, and that alone could cause my vision to double.
I started my day off with a reporter at my house to take a picture of me with my book. He was very nice, thankfully. But, this publicity is getting to me. I haven't even done half of what I should be doing. I also didn't count on it taking off on it's own and word getting out without my help (he found out through the Tulsa Ministerial Alliance yearly meeting ... they found out through Habitat ... )
I guess I should get used to it. Somehow. I keep thinking of last years 5th Sunday dinners at my church that I wouldn't even go to because I didn't want to be on the spot. Ugh. This is causing a new level of panic attack. I did talk to my psychiatrist about my weird reaction. Why can't I enjoy this and why is it bringing up such fears ...he said "PTSD ...hypervigilence" there was quite a bit in the .... but, that was the gyst of it. I'm trying to learn about it now ... see if I can get some kind of control on it.
Now ...if the ice would just melt ....
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
How DARE she!! ;)
Pearls and Dreams
Difficult Patient tagged me!!! HMPH!
I have to write stories using 6 words ... only six. No more, no less. Um ... DP ...you do realize that my typical article that I send out for publication is like 1500 words, and I have to work really hard to keep blog posts under 1000 right??? Geesh.
Ok ... let's go ... true stories.
1. Daddy singing, daughter listening, hymn remembered.
2. Kids tease mercilessly, Daddy hugs child.
3. Scribbled words, mother smiles, shows friends.
4. Nightmares, choatic past tangles future fears.
5. Rhyming words, pen flows freely, necessary.
6. Daddy hugs, daughter smiles, Daddy gone.
7. Grown up world scares, self destruct.
8. Homecoming court, unattainable dream, happens anyway.
9. Marriage comes, marriage goes, marriage comes.
10. Children beautiful, sick, wonderful, proud mom.
11. Body fails early, life is scary.
12. Faces childhood nightmares, not easy, run.
13. Works to change, life can't stay.
14. Things will change, things will love.
15. Life rollercoaster ride, pay the man!
Ok ..so I cheated ... my 6 sentences to tell a story, told an individual story ...but also told my story over time.
that was really interesting. I wasn't going to tag anyone ...but that was really really interesting. DP only did 6, I was only going to do 5, then kept going.
I'm going to tag a few people but if you don't want to do it, I understand.
Artemis, Dr. Deb, Fat Doctor and of coarse ...Wanda ;)
Difficult Patient tagged me!!! HMPH!
I have to write stories using 6 words ... only six. No more, no less. Um ... DP ...you do realize that my typical article that I send out for publication is like 1500 words, and I have to work really hard to keep blog posts under 1000 right??? Geesh.
Ok ... let's go ... true stories.
1. Daddy singing, daughter listening, hymn remembered.
2. Kids tease mercilessly, Daddy hugs child.
3. Scribbled words, mother smiles, shows friends.
4. Nightmares, choatic past tangles future fears.
5. Rhyming words, pen flows freely, necessary.
6. Daddy hugs, daughter smiles, Daddy gone.
7. Grown up world scares, self destruct.
8. Homecoming court, unattainable dream, happens anyway.
9. Marriage comes, marriage goes, marriage comes.
10. Children beautiful, sick, wonderful, proud mom.
11. Body fails early, life is scary.
12. Faces childhood nightmares, not easy, run.
13. Works to change, life can't stay.
14. Things will change, things will love.
15. Life rollercoaster ride, pay the man!
Ok ..so I cheated ... my 6 sentences to tell a story, told an individual story ...but also told my story over time.
that was really interesting. I wasn't going to tag anyone ...but that was really really interesting. DP only did 6, I was only going to do 5, then kept going.
I'm going to tag a few people but if you don't want to do it, I understand.
Artemis, Dr. Deb, Fat Doctor and of coarse ...Wanda ;)
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Ice and Heat
Well ..Tulsa got hit again ... we stayed safe in our home .. although we did see a transformer explode the other night. That ... is not something I want to see again!
My sister also saw one explode.
We saw the whole sky turn blue ... even the air on the ground was blue. Not fun stuff.
We kept electricity (knock on wood) but the electrical line next to us is heavy with ice. I keep looking at our very tall, old pretty pecan tree ... going ... stay there ... new house ... pretty tree ...stay tall.
I know now what a true hot flash is. It's not pretty. It kind of scared me when it was happening (who am I kidding, it scared the daylights out of me). It took me about 20 minutes after it was over for me to realize what had happened.
I've had what I thought were hot flashes, I now, from hence on, will describe those as mini hot flashes. I've had night sweats for about 4 years.
This ... was definitely a hot flash. Either that or my house was on fire and no one but me knew it.
I am always slightly chilled. It's a default of the lupus. My feet and my hands, actually ...just me. So, I usually am well covered, robe, socks, slippers, blanket,... and I'm sitting there, minding my own business watching a movie with my family. We take an intermission and suddenly ... I swear someone turned on the furnace to 150ยบ!!!
My heart started racing, I couldn't catch my breath ... I was throwing (literally) the blanket across the room, yanking my robe off, and yelling at Bj to get my socks off my feet. I was snapping at who'dever listen .. "WHO TURNED UP THE FURNACE??" When no one would admit to it, my husband offered to check it. When I started to yank my Pj bottoms up to my knees and my PJ sleeves over my shoulders, he ran (my husband running is quite the site with his scoliosis, limp and other such issues) to the ceiling fan switch and said "See if that helps!"
I swear, if I'd been alone I'd have stripped!!! I could not get uncovered enough ,or fast enough.
I had no idea that it was ME and I had no idea what was happening. I knew I couldn't catch my breath and that my heart was racing and that I was TOO hot.
About 3 minutes later, I cooled off (a bit too much) and we all went back to the movie. I was sitting there, and my heart rate finally slowed ..and my brain was going a million miles an hour ... "what the HECK?" As I was thinking that I couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, it struck me the number of times I'd heard that phrase on comedy routines and in sitcomes ... crud ... Hot flash.
But ... I'm only 42!!!!!!
So, I do this nice little search on early menopause. Loverly ...42 is by no means considered early for this.
Well, at least next time I'll know what's going on. My family did real well in helping me. Maybe we can just get a routine going and call it the Mom's fire brigade?
My sister also saw one explode.
We saw the whole sky turn blue ... even the air on the ground was blue. Not fun stuff.
We kept electricity (knock on wood) but the electrical line next to us is heavy with ice. I keep looking at our very tall, old pretty pecan tree ... going ... stay there ... new house ... pretty tree ...stay tall.
I know now what a true hot flash is. It's not pretty. It kind of scared me when it was happening (who am I kidding, it scared the daylights out of me). It took me about 20 minutes after it was over for me to realize what had happened.
I've had what I thought were hot flashes, I now, from hence on, will describe those as mini hot flashes. I've had night sweats for about 4 years.
This ... was definitely a hot flash. Either that or my house was on fire and no one but me knew it.
I am always slightly chilled. It's a default of the lupus. My feet and my hands, actually ...just me. So, I usually am well covered, robe, socks, slippers, blanket,... and I'm sitting there, minding my own business watching a movie with my family. We take an intermission and suddenly ... I swear someone turned on the furnace to 150ยบ!!!
My heart started racing, I couldn't catch my breath ... I was throwing (literally) the blanket across the room, yanking my robe off, and yelling at Bj to get my socks off my feet. I was snapping at who'dever listen .. "WHO TURNED UP THE FURNACE??" When no one would admit to it, my husband offered to check it. When I started to yank my Pj bottoms up to my knees and my PJ sleeves over my shoulders, he ran (my husband running is quite the site with his scoliosis, limp and other such issues) to the ceiling fan switch and said "See if that helps!"
I swear, if I'd been alone I'd have stripped!!! I could not get uncovered enough ,or fast enough.
I had no idea that it was ME and I had no idea what was happening. I knew I couldn't catch my breath and that my heart was racing and that I was TOO hot.
About 3 minutes later, I cooled off (a bit too much) and we all went back to the movie. I was sitting there, and my heart rate finally slowed ..and my brain was going a million miles an hour ... "what the HECK?" As I was thinking that I couldn't get my clothes off fast enough, it struck me the number of times I'd heard that phrase on comedy routines and in sitcomes ... crud ... Hot flash.
But ... I'm only 42!!!!!!
So, I do this nice little search on early menopause. Loverly ...42 is by no means considered early for this.
Well, at least next time I'll know what's going on. My family did real well in helping me. Maybe we can just get a routine going and call it the Mom's fire brigade?
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Color Quiz
Pearls and Dreams
There are some really creepy truths to this!
There are some really creepy truths to this!
 | I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Wants to establish herself and make an impact desp..."
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