Held

A couple of years ago, a song hit the christian radio airwaves, "Held" and it took the airwaves by storms. It rang true for so many people. Natalie Grant had a friend who lost their 2 month old son and as she saw their grief, she realized that we, as Christians did not really know how to deal with grief. Some of us expected to be given a pass on grief and pain simply because we have believed in God.

Many get through their trials, and become much stronger and are able to say ...this, is what survival is. This, is what it is when God see's you through a battle.

I think, the phrase in the song that struck me the most when I first heard it, was the "we're asking, why did this happen to us, who told us we'd be rescued"

The mentality of there will be perfection after coming to the cross ... no pain after coming to Christ, that He will heal our pain (instantly is the given implication) and that even if the healing is not instant, there will be no more grief experienced to add on ... and the reality is ... God never promised us that. He promised, to hold us, to see us through this harsh world that has it's unfair grief ..and to get us through the valley of the shadow of death and to bear us up, when the battle wages on longer than we expected. He never promised to take us out, only to be with us.

In Isaiah it talks about the fire and the flood ... God promised that we would walk through the flood and it would not over take us, and we would walk through the fire and not get burned ... He however, did not promise that we would not get hot, and that we would not get wet.

When my friends baby died 2 months ago yesterday, I heard this song right as I got into my car after the funeral. As I was reminded by God, that He was with me in my grief, and my pain, and my friends deep deep grief ... and in that special timing ... 2 years is too little, but that this is what it means to be held ... I knew that inspite of my broken heart, God knew. I knew he was there.

Yesterday, I was thinking about what the song meant to me in my current situation. So, I thought I would post the words ...and below, I will post what it means, for Don and I ... and where we are now .....

Held
By Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.


Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.


This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.


Don and I had known for years that eventually his body would decide that it had had enough. That the twisting of the scoliosis would decide to tear apart his body. We'd done the smart thing, and talked, and planned ...and we did the smart thing and acted like it was never going to happen. You simply cannot live as if it's going to be over your head. The depression it would cause would be unbearable.

For the last 18 months, Don and I have had a wonderful marriage. A gift ... a second chance ... and now, everything's changed and we don't know where we stand, or where we are going. As we wait to find out what our new version of normal is going to be ... we sit, and we are Held.

What was sacred ...freedom, independence, breathing ... dressing ... Don getting up and going out for a cup of coffee on his own ...showering ... without someone driving him ... or helping him to get there ...walking ... mowing the lawn ...

Living a life .. in conjunction with a family, but independent of the family ... helping the family, supporting the family ... supportive of the family ... working together to help the family be a family unit, but not dependent on the family ...

That was sacred ... and now ... he will be coming home .. with medical equipment

A bipap machine
a walker
a shower chair
a grabber
a wheelchair
oxygen
an air mattress

The thing we don't know .. the air mattress ..what does that mean? Will that mean he'll need his own bed ... and that ... is sacred. What does that mean? Will it fit OUR bed ... or will it be required to have a hospital bed?

Everyone knows that the marriage bed is sacred ... will we even be sharing a bed? This is what it means to be held, when the sacred is torn from your life ..and you survive ... this is what it means when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive ... this is what it means ...

He will adjust to the walker, he will get used to needing a wheelchair some of the time, oxygen sometimes ..and the bipap at night. He will adjust, we will adjust ...
and we will be held.

He is here .. and we just have to know that we are in the palm of God.

What we once took for granted, is no longer our normal, and God knows that, and he will extend to us the grace and mercy that we need ...so that we know, that we've been held ...

A couple of weeks after he got out of ICU, I was reflecting back on that time, and scripture ..and I realized that I had indeed walked through the valley of the shadow of death ... and I realized that in that time ... I was filled with love, and concern for my husband ... and I was NOT ready to loose my husband ... but there was a calmness, and a lack of chaos for me ... and I was not filled with fear! I had truely walked through the Valley of the Shadow of death, and not feared the evil ... Because God was with me.

That was what it meant to be held ... and to survive.

It's been over 5 weeks ... since he went into the hospital ... it will probably be the end of next week before he comes home ... and with a whole new lifestyle of equipment ...This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.