Sometime later next week, Don will be moved from the L TAC to the rehab hospital.
The doctor said he will be there for at least two weeks, if not 3 to 4 weeks.
In rehab he will get more intensive therapy to increase his endurance.
I'm exhausted, and weary.
I've found myself pulling into a hole ...and not calling people or reaching out. I've not even been to church in weeks.
I had a conversation with my pastor a couple of years back asking him why we have to depend on our brothers and sisters in Christ, if we know how to recieve comfort from God and he gave me an answer that just frustrated me. I know now that I made a mistake in not learning the lesson he tried to teach me.
As it is, I don't know how to say to those close to me ... help. I'm alone, and scared and stuck. The people I'm telling what's going on are out of town, out of state ...and across the internet. I text messaged my pastor (former pastor) and told him that I'm isolating a little ...and within 20 minutes, I got a phone call from my dear friend Wanda (from Wanda's Wings) and she said "how ya doing?" I said fine her response was "Pinocchio"
She'd been called and told to check on me. Whoops.
Our youth pastor warned me of being careful to not get caretakers fatique ... I'm don't know how you know when you have caretakers fatique ... but I know that I was glad to see the kids come back to camp, but I find the idea of going to church almost terrifying.
I think the questions of "how are you, how is Don" will be overwhelming. I know that I will be hugged by people I don't want to be hugged by ...and I know I will have to repeat what's going on more times than I can count ... so it's easier to just not go. The more I stay away, the easier it is to just not go.
So, here I am, hiding in my home and in my husband's hospital room, updating people only through on line measures ... and not making calls to friends to say 'hey! I'm lonely' or going to get a cup of coffee with a friend or go do something interesting ... and I know that all of this is draining me and the more I do it, it's all I can do.
What is feeding me? Nothing, literally nothing....not spiritually, not emotionally, not nutritionally. My food intake has dropped to little to nothing ... a few bites of fruit or veggies ... and every third day or so I might eat part of a real meal.
I see myself sinking and part of me feels like it's ok. When Don is ok, I'll pull myself up. The other part of me just wants to sit down and say I've fought for so many years I don't want to fight anymore. The other part of me just wants to say ...someone needs to fight for me ..only I don't want to reach out to anyone to tell them I just don't have any fight left.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Oh, dearest! Wanda and the former pastor are a good start. You don't have to go to church(though it might not be as bad as you think...) just reach out to one friend, there where you are, and let it work from there. Peggy, God said we need each other, that it is better to have a friend as they will help us when we fall. You are a very smart lady, you are just too tired right now to be as wise with yourself as you are with all the others you have helped so much for so long.
ReplyDeleteFurther, I've heard so much about Don, but I've heard little about the boys. They are just boys, and there are limits, but let them be pillars for you too. You raised them to be strong men of faith, let them. My father let my brother and I be there for him, with limits, but it helped my brother and I feel that we mattered when the world was falling apart (when mom left) and we are stronger, wiser, for it.
He also found a seperate support group, so he didn't have to deal with the overwhelmed issue you talk about. In his case, he did it for my brother and I, as much as himself. If he fell who would we have?
This is none of my business and you didn't ask my opinion directly, you were just venting (also a good thing) but I am going to pray (beyond the prayers I already offer daily) that God would empower your heart to lean on the ones he will send you (and may already have). I beleive it is a gift he grants us all if we let him.
God Bless you and your family. I think of you each day as I walk to the Dining Hall at camp each morning. That is my quiet prayer time. God grant you the peace I find here in the morning.
~Sandy
My dear sister-in-Christ, what can I say except you're lifted up in prayers across the seas. Thank you for sharing so candidly. My empathy pales compare to our Lord Jesus'. I hope I'm not one of those unwelcome visitors though. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of Sandy's comment, I'm praying that God raises up a friend who will simply be with you... who you won't have to explain to, or be strong in front of... who can simply help carry it all to God in your presence.
ReplyDeleteHi again. As I read again that you wrote, I want to add that God will bless you with someone who will just stand by you quietly. I do hope someone will cook some nice food for you and take care of you. I do feel your low depth and wishing I'm with you now. Take care. I have to trust God to take care of you my dear sister.
ReplyDelete