Dream home

Your home is a Athletic Magnate's Villa Your kitchen is actually a GNC franchise, though all you really need are your Power Bars and Red Bulls. There's a Chocolatessen, which is rapidly becoming your favorite room of the house. Having one is also becoming a trend among your wealthy neighbors. Your master bedroom has an on-call masseuse and sports therapist. Your study has current issues of Sports News & Sports Illustrated, marked with a highlighter for better preparing your fantasy sports league. One of your garages houses your Hummer, and others contain your H2, and H3... with room for an H4, if they ever invent one. Your home also includes a guest wing and private quarters for your servants. Your guests enjoy your home theater with 37 different sports channels. Outside is your hedge maze and gardens, meticulously tended by a team of world-class botanists. And, you have a pet -- a doberman pincer named "Warren". Below is a snippet of the blueprints:

Build YOUR Dream Home!

God of Wonders by Third Day

"Darling, wake up!"

I woke slowly up and saw my Daddy's face grinning at me. What in the world? The sky was dark, lots of stars, no moon.

"Shhhhhh Don't wake your mom or sisters!"

My step sister Celda, his second to youngest, daughter, not Linda; she'd already gone back to live with her mother years before, and my sister were asleep in the next room.

I was totally confused. He told me to dress warm, and to bring my blanket.

What?
He left the room for me to get dressed.

I was in the third grade, and it was so strange. Daddy was always up to something strange. He and I shared many many secrets ...all of them made me laugh. So ... I wiped the sleep from my eyes and put my clothes on.

I took my blanket and went into the kitchen. I had my favorite slippers on instead of my shoes. Daddy was waiting at the table. He shined a flashlight in my face and then his, and said in a really weird voice "are we ready freddy?"

I had no idea ..but hey!

So, I followed him outside and there was a ladder leading up to the roof ... huh?

He took my blanket and shined the flashlight on the ladder.
"Climb up!"
"REALLY?!"
We'd been up there the week before doing some repairs. So, I was familiar with how to climb up safely ...but at night?

He shined the light on his face and gave me a cartoon grin.

So, up the ladder I went. He stood close enough to me so that I knew I was safe.

I got up there and saw, on the flat of the roof ... a blanket, a camping lantern, a picnic basket and a couple of pillows.

I looked down at my Daddy ...and he smiled. I stood aside to let him come up. I started to walk to the blanket and Daddy said
"Don't move till I get up there, I know you feel safe, but without light, you might not be, you need me near you!"

So, he gets there, and we walk to the blanket. His pillow and blanket were already up there, and a pillow for me.

In the basket ...a thermos of hot chocolate, and a bowl of popcorn. How did he pop that without waking anyone up! Smell or noise? Suddenly, I realized I could smell it in the house, I just had been so confused by his midnight games, I hadn't paid attention.
"Daddy, what are we doing?"
"Watch! About 3 minutes later a shooting star ... and within seconds ...another ...and before I knew it ... I was watching my first meteor shower!!!




We ate the popcorn and drank the hot chocolate and when the bowl was empty and the ooohs and ahhhs and "look Daddy's!" were getting to be redundant ... we laid there and watched ... and watched ... and all too soon ...the stars fell with less frequency.



Then we went about 5 minutes in total silence between us ... and not a single star fell ....just the sounds of the night in the mountains ... and the song of love between a father and daughter ...

"Darling, it's over"

"I know"
"Darling, I love you"
"I know Daddy, I love you."

Sara Groves - Less Like Scars

It's another blog post, and another song.

Less Like Scars by Sara Groves...

It's another song that is one that I turn to when I just can't seem to see my way through ... a reminder ...that things will be ok ... that God is growing me. Sometimes, the scars feel like they've been opened, fresh wounds ... but ...they will heal, and they will become character.

This last year ... has been a roller coaster ...from the building of our house, release of my book, resigning of my pastor, the death of 2 friends children, a couple of other deaths, not being able to handle being the center of attention from the house and the book, my husband almost dying, and then, my husband recovering and coming home ...and walking on his own again ..and oxygen not being a 24 hour requirement ... my son's learning disabilities going from severe, to ... they kind of interfere with his school performance. The changing of therapists ... and the therapist being able to really see the real me, get past the masks ..very easily. The leaving of my psychiatrist who I adored ...no other word for it ... I adored him, like I do my big brother. To the emergency medical leave of my therapist (in the same week I found out I couldn't follow my psychiatrist to his new clinic, he wasn't any happier than I) and leaving the worship ministry for a new adventure in Children's ministry ... and then today ... our church ratified a new pastor ...96% ratification ...

It's been a hard year ...but I'm climbing out of the rubble ... and one day ...

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like
Character

Sunny Days by Jars of Clay

I have just recently gotten DSL to replace my dial up. Since I've frequently shared songs and what they mean to me, having the ability to actually POST the songs ... is a really exciting adventure for me. I hope, I don't wear you out with it.

Please, Bear with me.

This song ... Sunny Days ... is one that I'd heard for several years ... as I was praying over my family ...and my marriage that was failing miserably ... would things ever ever be ok?

I hadn't heard it for a while ... and the other day, I was driving down the road. Frustrated that I am where I am at in therapy. Am I EVER going to get to where I need to be. Will there ever be a time where my heart doesn't break ... will there ever be a time where I can be vunerable, show the real me, and trust the therapist to keep me together while God does the healing?

Can I bear the pain that I'm going through. I want to turn and run ... it's too much, too much pain ...it's taking too long ...

and then, I hear this song ... and I'm reminded of the years of marriage ... 18 years of praying ... 18 years of praying for my family ... 18 years for the success of my marriage ...for the heart of my husband ... and ... 18 years of never being sure if it would be ok. Just only having God to cling to ...

Then ... one sunny day ... the clouds rolled away ... my husband decided Jesus was first ... and our lives took that miraculous rollercoaster of life ...only this time ... it's been a FUN ride, enjoyment, screams of delight and laughter fill our house ... Peace reigns the Eaglers ... we will ... enjoy ... soon and enjoy ... it took 18 years ...but we're here .... and we're safe ... and it's a Sunny Day for my family!

So ...what does that translate to other areas of my life? If he did it, for my marriage, for my family ...would he not do the ssame for my heart? Regardless of whether I can see the pattern or not ... to trust, to pray ..to cling to the Father ... to look to God ... to trust that Sunny day is coming ...

Winter ... the frozen wasteland of memories unwanted, locked away in a cold pocket in the heart ... unwilling to be thawed ...but working it's way out anyway ... and it mets ... ice turns to water ... water flows through everything. The thing, that I thought so hard to keep away. That I fought so hard to never acknowlege it again ... is back ... only, it's melted and it's flown through everything ...and is in need of attention ....

You can loose your mind through this process ...even the song writers admit to it!! But ... it is then that it will be your heart that you find.

I need to take the same love, the same determination that I applied to my family, the same strenght of love and tenacity to pray for my marriage and faimly ... and apply that to myself. To apply it to recovery ... to eating ... to not restiricting ... to healing. To being ... the real me.

Jars Of Clay - Sunny Days Lyrics

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Held by Natalie Grant

This, is the song that I posted a while back. Held, by Natalie Grant.
This year, I've had 2 good friends who've lost their children. One, 2 years 4 months, the other, 6 years old.

The reality of my friends loosing their children, it caused me to see that I'd shoved the grief of loosing my own child to the background. When Kyliebug died in April, I ALMOST dealt with it ... then Don got sick.

Then, a few weeks ago, little Joseph ... started kindergarten on Monday, and died in his sleep on Wednesday. Joseph, had fought a battle his whole life. I've known his mamma for longer than I can count ... and we both have talked and talked and talked about what it's like raising special needs kids.

In fact, that's how we 'met' .. she'd started a email group for parents of special needs kids. Joseph, wasn't even on the radar yet. I'll never forget the day she told me she was pregnant with him. My prayers for them, started that day ...and will continue for the rest of my life.

The question of why this happens, is unknown. I've discussed it in detail. My heart breaks for Teresa, Kylie's mom and my heart breaks for Erin, Joseph's mom.

When Kylie passed away ...my youngests son's first reaction was "Jessica (my lost baby) will be there to show her around."

When I asked Teresa to pray for Erin ...she said she would talk to Kylie to show Joseph around.

It dawned on me that night, that ..it meant the three of them were together. Maybe, just maybe, with Teresa's grandmother, and my step dad and Erin's parents all watching nearby talking about how proud they are of thier children and grandchildren.

So, I post this video, for Kylie, for Joseph, for Jessica ... as well as for us mom's ... this is, what it means to be held ..and one day, we will hold our babies.


Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.


Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.


This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held.

"I'm Sorry"

Two little words.

"I'm sorry I bumped into you"
"I'm sorry I forgot to get cash for you"
"I'm sorry I didn't do my homework"
"I'm sorry you went through that ..."

I never thought ..that 2 words could be so ... what is the word I'm looking for? Impactful, profound, annoying, and intruding? RAW?

In the last 4 months ... evidently, I've shown ..to several people, not just my treatment team ... a bit more of who I am. Deep down inside. I've also talked things over with my therapist, especially when Don was in the hospital ...

and over and over again ... I hear the words "I'm sorry"

My therapist, has made it a point to make sure that I hear her say "I'm sorry this happened"

I have decided that 2 phrases I would just as soon my friends not say to me when I'm struggling "I'm sorry" and "I love you"

I am not sure why ...most people, love to hear those things. Most people, need to hear those things.

But for me ... it makes me wish I'd not shared whatever I'd just shared.
I don't know if it makes the situation feel more real ...or if it makes me feel like I've gained sympathy I don't deserve .. I don't know ... I haven't figured it out.

I only know .. I don't like to hear words that people say every day ... and I'm not at all sure that those words should bother me.

new ventures

When I was a little girl, my favorite part of church, was the praise and worship. From the time I was a toddler ... I loved to sing hymns .. and praise chorus' ...

I was in the third grade when my pastor's wife told me after church one Sunday, that, as long as I was around ...the rocks would never get their chance to cry out.

In the 6th grade, I sang for the first time in front of a group. On a Friday night, at a Christian coffee shop ... a common thing in California in the 70's ...groups of Christian's ...gathering together to sing ... the beginnings of what we call today "small groups"

In the 7th grade, I joined the choir.

In 8th grade, moved from California, to Colorado, again, joining the church choir.

In the 10th grade, my church, being a rather progressive church of it's day, had a worship band. We were the only church in town to use instrumentals! I played my clarinet as well as sang in the choir.

Then, in the 11th grade, moved from Colorado, to Oklahoma. There was a singing group in the church we attended. 15 to 24 year olds. We'd sing every other Sunday for special music, and travel during the summer ... and to surrounding churches. If you've ever seen Celebrant singers or Continental Singers ... you'd know the group idea. We were called "Proclamation". The group, over the 2 years we existed had 20 singers at a time, but over 80 of us were members.
I graduated from high school while a member of Proclamation.

When I left Proclamation, I moved back to Colorado, and was in a professional Christian drama ministry (my paid job). I went back to my former church as an interpreter for the deaf, and praise and worship team member.

I came back, to Tulsa …and went to a lay ministry Bible school, while being in the choir and leading worship for the singles ministry.

I got married, and soon divorced (my ex husband left me after 4 months, deciding that God, nor marriage was for him) and went back to leading worship for the singles ministry.

I was ordained in ministry, AS a worship minister. (the ordination was specific to the church itself, not a denomination or national recognition)

I then, met Don, married him ..and life got crazy for a while ..and I was not in music ministry ... I had Samuel ..and got very very sick. No one knew what was wrong ... I had trouble breathing, swallowing, double vision and by the time I got diagnosed, I couldn’t dress myself or chew food.
I finally got diagnosed, and treated, but ...the disease, Myasthenia Gravis ...took away my ability to sing. So ... I stepped out of ministry all together. I had nothing to offer God. I had been trained in music ministry. My heart, from early childhood, had been in music ministry before I even knew what music ministry was ... and now, I had no voice with which to praise Him.

10 years ago, God lead me to Southpark Community Church (yes, that IS the name of it, no, it is not a spammed name!) Within the first few weeks there, I heard a song for the first time ... and my heart broke right there, as I placed on HIS alter, what I considered ministry to be.


When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

I realized, that God wasn't asking me for a perfect voice, that He had simply called me to worship him, in whatever manner He called me to worship him. For a while, I just did a few volunteer things around the church, helping out here and there. Was in a prayer ministry and the benevolence ministry.

Then, after I'd been there for a year, the worship pastor/pastor's wife, Carla, asked me to join the choir. I thought that odd, since she'd never heard me sing. I said something to the pastor, and he said "no, but she's seen your heart worship".

So, I took my weak voice, and joined the choir. It was, the hardest year of ministry I'd had. My head struggled with the music my voice couldn't sing, that I could read, but could not make the sounds. I don't think anyone quite realized how hard it was ... then …the decision came down … they were disbanding the choir. One problem solved ...new problem caused. My heart ...was still with worship ministry!

My mother was the newsletter writer ... and she was using my computer, and was putting in an ad for a secretary for the worship leader. She asked me if I wanted to do it? I had been the secretary for Proclamation …so ...sure, why not!! It would keep me in worship ministry!! (as well, as get me off the singing!)

So, mom called Carla … and ... I began my behind the scenes job of pulling the music for our singers and musicians ... that was 8 years ago.

I have loved my job. I have treasured my job ... I have honored my job. It has been a position that I respect. It is something that I take seriously as I pray over the congregation, the musicians and singers each week. It has been the highlight of my week ...

Carla left in December. Part of me was worried that they were not going to ask me to stay. I was told that was absurd, I was necessary! Whew!

Then Don got sick and I took a leave of absence ... and ... God started to deal with me.

When the music fades ...all is stripped away ...

God is asking more than a song ... for a song in itself is not what he has required ...

It's not mine any more ...

He's calling me out ...

But it's music ministry! That's my heart! That's MY place!

Longing just to be something that's of worth ... that will bless your heart.

I have to do it ...no one else knows the job ...
I'll bring you more than a song ...for a song in itself ...is not what you have required ...

As I took my leave, they had to find a way to do my job without me. They learned how to do what I've done for 8 years ...

You search much deeper within ...to the way things appear, you're looking into my heart ...

There are kids in the church who need me, the worship team doesn't. It's not my place anymore.

You're looking into my heart ...

BUT GOD!!! IT'S WORSHIP! MY HEART IS IN WORSHIP MINISTRY! THESE ARE MY FRIENDS! THIS IS MY SMALL GROUP! THIS IS MY SUPPORT SYSTEM! GOD >>> THIS IS MY HEART!

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Oh God, please, tell me you're not calling me out of the music ministry!

So, two weeks ago, I'm driving down the road, and I'm praying ... God, are you serious? And my cell phone rings ... it's the Children's Pastor: "Peggikaye? I just wanted to invite you to the parents meeting tomorrow night. I know you haven't been real involved this year, but, I think there are things coming up you'll be interested in"

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

And so, I tell her what's been on my heart ... she agrees to pray with me.

It's a hard decision. I love these people. I've served with them; I've served them ...for 8 years. I love this ministry ...

Tonight ... I didn't get to the list before I got there ...they had the music pulled before I could get to it (see, told you they'd learned to do things without me!)

One of the songs

I'm coming back to the heart of worship ... and it's all about you ... all about you Jesus ...

and I realize ... I don't belong here anymore. This isn't my place.

I love these people ...but it isn't my place.

I told my friend Ronda after church. My prayer partner, my accountability partner, my partner in crime ... my mentor ...my big sister ...and she smiled and said "so, has God called you to another ministry?"

And I said "What? No check in your spirit?"
"no, not going to argue with God"

Saturday, I gave my resignation to our worship leader. She did not seem surprised. Fully supportive; she assured me that the worship team would be fine and they were still my family.

Today, I met with the children’s pastor. My official role begins on Wednesday. I will begin by assisting with a musical for Christmas. Then, in January, I will begin my role as Special Events Coordinator. If you’ve read my blog for a couple of years, you’ll know how much I’ve enjoyed planning Kids Night Out, Mother/Daughter Sleep overs, Father’s Day breakfasts.

As we talked, I told her some ideas “off the top of my head” and I she and I realized … it wasn’t off the top of my head … it was in my heart. I’d actually been thinking, and planning. I have some solid ideas and plans already for next year (CLEAR INTO SEPTEMBER!!!) I have a clear vision of what I want to do and why I am there. I feel the passion I’ve had for worship ministry building in my heart for children’s ministry.

Tonight … this feels like a good thing.

What Bible Character Are You

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can of worms ...

Well ... my psychiatrist, whom I've lovingly referred to as "Dr. Bobblehead" is leaving. He's taken another job. He thought he might be able to take a few patients with him, but, it doesn't look like, at least in my case, like it's going to work out. So ... I have to find someone new. Monday, will most likely be my last appointment with him.

Last week, I got a phone call ... my new therapist, psychologist, that has been so good. Dr.B, (her name really does start with B) has had to take a sudden medical leave of absence. 4 to 6 weeks. I know more than I should ..first of all ...when I first met her, she told me a little about herself ...she has rheumatoid arthritis, lupus ..and we talked about the commmonality of our medications. One of them, carries a cancer risk.

It hasn't been but a few weeks since we talked about our medications and the risk of cancer they carry. She asked me if I got cancer would my medication have to stop immediately. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure I'd agree to stop it even if I DID get cancer. (I was going through a breast cancer scare, that turned out ok).

She mentioned that if she got cancer on her particular, it would be an immediate removal of the medication. The medication is referred to as a Disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs a DMARDs. DMARDs is a category of drugs used in many autoimmune disorders to slow down disease progression.

The risk of going off of them, is ... well, the progression of the disease.

So ... while Dr. Bobblehead is telling me "don't worry, she'll be back. They'll do the surgery, and she'll start the treatment, and then she'll come back and practice during treatments like a lot of people with cancer."

Yeah huh ... and a lot of people don't have the body she has ...with active RA ... and going off the one drug that's controlling it. Sorry, I simply know too much.

I, more than anyone, understand what's going on, and the need for her to take off (maybe not come back). So, it's not that.

I am wishing that I'd not met her. I'm wishing I'd not trusted her ...but ... something about her ... I had an immediate bond with her. It's not her fault at all.

So, 3 weeks ago, I decide to be open and honest with her, and Dr. Mitchell, since I thought I was going with him .. about something I'd not dealt with. I didn't know it would really be that big of an issue ... I just thought it was about time to open up a bit more. I finally had a therapist I knew was going to be able to work me through the process.

So, they start to ask me questions about the issue ...and one question, they asked ... hit a nerve. I don't think Dr. Bobblehead knew what he was asking. I froze.

So, then last Tuesday, Dr. B and I start to deal with the fall out ...and Friday, she has to take the emergency leave ...and now ... I find out ... that I'm most likely not going with Dr. Bobblehead.

I emailed him last week and said ... I think, one of my fears about dealing with my issues ... is that I'd be dealing with them alone. Like I always have ... and the odd thing is ... I am.

(yes, I'm very aware that I have friends, and blog friends ..and there are people who care. But, it's not the same as my professional team ... and nothing, can make it the same.)