Yesterday at church they introduced a new song. I wonder what the reaction to it was. I know what the reaction in the worship team was when it was first sang ... we had a 50/50 reaction to one line. Half of us REALLY loved it. Half REALLY disliked it. I shared what it meant to me ... ended the discussion all together. But, if half the worship team had such a strong reaction to that one phrase ..what was the reaction to the congregation??? I'm going to just put in part of the song ...
"You reign victorious, High and lifted up, Jesus, Son of God, The Darling of Heaven, Crucified, Worthy is the Lamb"
The Darling of Heaven ...
Never heard Christ described that way and the reaction was strong and immediate.
For me ... it brought immediately to mind my beloved step father who died when I was 14. His encouragement when my heart was breaking. His deep love for me. His ability to reach my heart when no one else could. His looking me in the eye when the school bully had shattered my heart ...yet again. His taking me in his arms and loving me when a family member had rejected me ...yet again. His putting me in a place of honor, and showing me that he thought I was precious.
When my heart was shattered and he knew that only he could fix it, he'd start the conversation with "Darling, you know how much I love you" or "Darling, I'm sorry they hurt you" "Darling, I love you so much"
Darling ... I was my Daddy's Darling ... it was a priviledge place to be. A place of honor. None of my friends, as much as he liked my friends, could take that place. None of my cousins, as much as he loved my cousins, could take that place. When my heart was breaking, not even one of my sisters, could take that place. At that moment in time, I was DARLING ..the focus of my Father's world.
The Darling of Heaven Crucified.
The Heavenly Father's Darling son ... the son ... in a place of honor, a son so very precious, that all the hope of the world was put in him. A son, who the Father loved so much!
When I think of Christ as the Father's DARLING SON crucified ... and in think of what it meant to be my Daddy's Darling ...
How incredible ... The Darling of Heaven Crucified ...
How much more precious did that make that sacrifice ? God was willing to let his own son, become flesh, and bear pain, and experience things that he really had no real need to experience ...so that I, Peggikaye Eagler, could come into HIS presence, and have Fellowship with him.
The Darling of Heaven ...
How precious, how incredible.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
They Grew Up Around me!
Today, our pianist called me over to the piano for something. I had my tag hanging out of my dress. She said "you're definitely a member of Southpark." Something about our church invites the tags to hang out the back of dresses and blouses.
My first thought was "Well, I'm not a newbie anymore" Then it struck me .. I haven't been a newbie for quite some time! Why does it always feel like I am? Is this a good thing that it doesn't feel like I've been going to this church forever, when in fact, my children have grown up in the church?
I went into the gym where our youth group were having a pancake breakfast as a fundraiser. I looked at these kids, who were running around ... teenagers, just shy of adulthood ... where had the time gone?
Children running by ... kids who just recently, had been in the toddler nursery ...now well into elementary school, and children ... who .. I well remember when their parents announced their impending births .... running up to me to show me their new hair bow or to tell me about their new friend at school. At school?
Newbie? I can't be a newbie if a child I remember being a toddler is going to be in the Junior High next year ... or a child I remember before their parents met, is talking to me in clear, concise sentences.
My youngest son was not even in Kindergarten when we started. He's now ... in the 7th grade. That's a long time. The kids that are about to graduate from high school this year ... stepping into adulthood ...
Where did the time go? When did I become an entrenched member at my church? When did I become not new to my church? It still feels new ... fresh ... which, is a good thing. Watching these kids grow up ... does that mean I'm growing old?
My first thought was "Well, I'm not a newbie anymore" Then it struck me .. I haven't been a newbie for quite some time! Why does it always feel like I am? Is this a good thing that it doesn't feel like I've been going to this church forever, when in fact, my children have grown up in the church?
I went into the gym where our youth group were having a pancake breakfast as a fundraiser. I looked at these kids, who were running around ... teenagers, just shy of adulthood ... where had the time gone?
Children running by ... kids who just recently, had been in the toddler nursery ...now well into elementary school, and children ... who .. I well remember when their parents announced their impending births .... running up to me to show me their new hair bow or to tell me about their new friend at school. At school?
Newbie? I can't be a newbie if a child I remember being a toddler is going to be in the Junior High next year ... or a child I remember before their parents met, is talking to me in clear, concise sentences.
My youngest son was not even in Kindergarten when we started. He's now ... in the 7th grade. That's a long time. The kids that are about to graduate from high school this year ... stepping into adulthood ...
Where did the time go? When did I become an entrenched member at my church? When did I become not new to my church? It still feels new ... fresh ... which, is a good thing. Watching these kids grow up ... does that mean I'm growing old?
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Title free
I'm seriously considering doing something that has been totally out of the question for as long as I can remember. Homeschooling my youngest son.
With my health problems, and his learning problems ...it just seemed like an impossibility.
It still seems like an impossibility.
My health .. not great, I'm currently on an increased dose of steroids for a lupus flare, and levaquin for a nasty bout of bronchitis ... I haven't even been allowed to go see my mom in the hospital with her hip replacement since Friday because of how sick I've been!!!!
Today, I was informed that my bladder problems, are permanent .. lupus cystitis. loverly. We just get to find a way to try to control them rather than do away with them.
UGH.
But ... my son, is not progressing, and his grades are less than dismal. He came home with ... 3 F's, 3 D's and an A.
Excuse me ... he's under an IEP. He's in special education ... WHY is he failing? Why was he failing last year?
Well, he's not doing the work ... well did it occur to you that he CAN'T do what you're asking him to do?
Well, he's in 7th grade, he has to do what we're asking him to do, the other kids in the class are.
Excuse me? INDIVIDUAL????????
So, they won't hold him back, because he's been held back once (kindergarten), and because he's in special ed, they can just keep passing him along ...
They blame him, while not following his IEP ...
And he comes home ..angry, frustrated, confused, uneducated, and just plain ... grumpy.
And I wonder ... could I really do any worse than they are doing? Could I really do him a disservice? Maybe it'd be worth a try ...
I look at Samuel ... his success. 8 years of homeschooling. A year and a half of public school and his scores are in the 99th %ile for his grade. His scores on the ACT, if he were to take the real thing right now, would get him a scholarship.
The public shool didn't teach him that stuff ... I did. He took that test just 5 weeks into his sophomore year ... he'd had 1 year of high school. I'd homeschooled him before that.
He's socially adept, he's happy, he's goal oriented, he's secure, he knows what he's doing ... and he's ADD, OCD with Tourette's syndrome ...
I've always felt like homeschooling Bj with his learning problems and my health problems would do more harm than good ...
But I never felt like I was doing a good job of homeschooling Samuel ... he got the highest scores on the tests in his 1300 member sophomore class ... his teachers adore him ... maybe it was my own self image that was limiting me not my education of my son ...
I could always change my mind and put him back in ...
Could I REALLY do any worse than they are doing?????????????
At least the attempt to educate him would be done with love, not disrespect.
With my health problems, and his learning problems ...it just seemed like an impossibility.
It still seems like an impossibility.
My health .. not great, I'm currently on an increased dose of steroids for a lupus flare, and levaquin for a nasty bout of bronchitis ... I haven't even been allowed to go see my mom in the hospital with her hip replacement since Friday because of how sick I've been!!!!
Today, I was informed that my bladder problems, are permanent .. lupus cystitis. loverly. We just get to find a way to try to control them rather than do away with them.
UGH.
But ... my son, is not progressing, and his grades are less than dismal. He came home with ... 3 F's, 3 D's and an A.
Excuse me ... he's under an IEP. He's in special education ... WHY is he failing? Why was he failing last year?
Well, he's not doing the work ... well did it occur to you that he CAN'T do what you're asking him to do?
Well, he's in 7th grade, he has to do what we're asking him to do, the other kids in the class are.
Excuse me? INDIVIDUAL????????
So, they won't hold him back, because he's been held back once (kindergarten), and because he's in special ed, they can just keep passing him along ...
They blame him, while not following his IEP ...
And he comes home ..angry, frustrated, confused, uneducated, and just plain ... grumpy.
And I wonder ... could I really do any worse than they are doing? Could I really do him a disservice? Maybe it'd be worth a try ...
I look at Samuel ... his success. 8 years of homeschooling. A year and a half of public school and his scores are in the 99th %ile for his grade. His scores on the ACT, if he were to take the real thing right now, would get him a scholarship.
The public shool didn't teach him that stuff ... I did. He took that test just 5 weeks into his sophomore year ... he'd had 1 year of high school. I'd homeschooled him before that.
He's socially adept, he's happy, he's goal oriented, he's secure, he knows what he's doing ... and he's ADD, OCD with Tourette's syndrome ...
I've always felt like homeschooling Bj with his learning problems and my health problems would do more harm than good ...
But I never felt like I was doing a good job of homeschooling Samuel ... he got the highest scores on the tests in his 1300 member sophomore class ... his teachers adore him ... maybe it was my own self image that was limiting me not my education of my son ...
I could always change my mind and put him back in ...
Could I REALLY do any worse than they are doing?????????????
At least the attempt to educate him would be done with love, not disrespect.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Children and goals
Well ... first ... I have to say it's too cold to breath outside. That aside, doctor's apparently, still want to see patients. I was hoping that my sons pediatric neurologist would not be in the office today because of the freezing cold and icy roads ..but no such luck. (which, by the afternoon appointment, the roads weren't icy, and not really even wet ..so ... oh, well ..the cold, still an issue.)
We went in ... normal check in procedures, just a med check for tourette's/ocd ... no biggie ... Dr. M wanted to know how son was doing in school and goals for life. WELL ... I had had Samuel take his PreACT and PreSAT scores to show Dr. M ...
We've known Dr. M for 14 years ... I knew he'd be interested ... as a person, if not as a doctor.
He was obviously pleased, and proud ... he asked Samuel about his goals for his life ... Samuel said "I'm going to be an Medical Doctor when it's too late to use it" Dr. M's head jerked up and said "huh?
.
.
.
"I'm going to be a forensic pathologist"
"Ahhh" Big grin
Suddenly, Dr. M came alive ... advice came forth as to what his next steps needed to be ...are you volunteering in the community? Are you doing service works? Extra cirricular stuff besides academics?
This summer ... try to get someplace to volunteer in the medical field. (that thrilled Samuel ... however, he didn't tell us how to go about that or where to go to volunteer ....hmmmm)
So ... it was fun to see him get excited ... then, the two of them went on about how he could be a role model to his little brother (also a patient of Dr. M's) and how he needs to be helping me around the house because I probably need it.
So now I need to find my dermatologist who moved away ... he was so sure Samuel should be a medical doctor ..and was offended ...yes OFFENDED that Samuel did not want to be one ... Samuel waited until 4 DAYS after Dr. W moved out of state to change his mind (the scores on the testing convinced him he should, a sophomore getting a 25 on the pre ACT really can encourage a kid to really follow the heart)
So ... now maybe I need to find him and say hey! you were right!
I'm going to go freeze ... goodnight.
We went in ... normal check in procedures, just a med check for tourette's/ocd ... no biggie ... Dr. M wanted to know how son was doing in school and goals for life. WELL ... I had had Samuel take his PreACT and PreSAT scores to show Dr. M ...
We've known Dr. M for 14 years ... I knew he'd be interested ... as a person, if not as a doctor.
He was obviously pleased, and proud ... he asked Samuel about his goals for his life ... Samuel said "I'm going to be an Medical Doctor when it's too late to use it" Dr. M's head jerked up and said "huh?
.
.
.
"I'm going to be a forensic pathologist"
"Ahhh" Big grin
Suddenly, Dr. M came alive ... advice came forth as to what his next steps needed to be ...are you volunteering in the community? Are you doing service works? Extra cirricular stuff besides academics?
This summer ... try to get someplace to volunteer in the medical field. (that thrilled Samuel ... however, he didn't tell us how to go about that or where to go to volunteer ....hmmmm)
So ... it was fun to see him get excited ... then, the two of them went on about how he could be a role model to his little brother (also a patient of Dr. M's) and how he needs to be helping me around the house because I probably need it.
So now I need to find my dermatologist who moved away ... he was so sure Samuel should be a medical doctor ..and was offended ...yes OFFENDED that Samuel did not want to be one ... Samuel waited until 4 DAYS after Dr. W moved out of state to change his mind (the scores on the testing convinced him he should, a sophomore getting a 25 on the pre ACT really can encourage a kid to really follow the heart)
So ... now maybe I need to find him and say hey! you were right!
I'm going to go freeze ... goodnight.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
more
Investigation Continues Into Alleged Teacher Sex Scandal
Friday February 17, 2006 5:33pm Reporter: Kim Jackson Posted By: Kevin King
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Union Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With 15-Year-Old Student
Tulsa - The investigation is continuing into a Union Intermediate High School teacher who has been accused of inappropriate sexual contact with a teenage student. Police released new details Friday and now say the case could come with rape charges.
Police told NewsChannel 8 Friday the 15-year-old boy says the alleged relationship went on for months with his 28-year-old female teacher.
There have been unconfirmed reports that school officials knew about the allegations before NewsChannel 8 uncovered them Thursday. But, Broken Arrow police say they didn't file a report. We went to the school for answers but got none.
Police are responding to accusations from the 15-year-old boy.
"Basically for a four month period that he had been engaged in inappropriate relations with a 28-year-old female teacher."
The teacher is a Science instructor at the Intermediate high school. But, police say there are more accusations related to another student in their report.
"It says she provided alcohol and marijuana to the victim and cohort of the victim."
Police say they will interview more witnesses before they determine what is factual. That will include more students and parents.
» Find More Articles Related To This One
Friday February 17, 2006 5:33pm Reporter: Kim Jackson Posted By: Kevin King
___ NewsChannel 8 Interact ___
• Signup for eNews Alerts
• Printable Version
• E-Mail This Story
___ Related Stories ___
Union Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With 15-Year-Old Student
Tulsa - The investigation is continuing into a Union Intermediate High School teacher who has been accused of inappropriate sexual contact with a teenage student. Police released new details Friday and now say the case could come with rape charges.
Police told NewsChannel 8 Friday the 15-year-old boy says the alleged relationship went on for months with his 28-year-old female teacher.
There have been unconfirmed reports that school officials knew about the allegations before NewsChannel 8 uncovered them Thursday. But, Broken Arrow police say they didn't file a report. We went to the school for answers but got none.
Police are responding to accusations from the 15-year-old boy.
"Basically for a four month period that he had been engaged in inappropriate relations with a 28-year-old female teacher."
The teacher is a Science instructor at the Intermediate high school. But, police say there are more accusations related to another student in their report.
"It says she provided alcohol and marijuana to the victim and cohort of the victim."
Police say they will interview more witnesses before they determine what is factual. That will include more students and parents.
» Find More Articles Related To This One
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Who were you in high school?
| All American Kid |
 Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain. You were well rounded and well liked in high school. |
Help me
http://kevan.org/johari?view=PearlsAndDreams
http://kevan.org/johari?view=PearlsAndDreams
Got that from my friend D's blog
http://ythdudette.blogspot.com/
http://kevan.org/johari?view=PearlsAndDreams
Got that from my friend D's blog
http://ythdudette.blogspot.com/
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I don't understand
Union Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With 15-Year-Old Student
Thursday February 16, 2006 6:04pm Reporter: Kim Jackson Posted By: Kevin King
Broken Arrow - A female teacher in the Union Public Schools district is under investigation. Police say she allegedly had sex with one of her 15-year-old students. NewsChannel 8's Kim Jackson has been investigating the incident.
Police are talking to the boy and his family. They are investigating the boy's alleged involvement with a 28-year-old Science teacher.
Union school officials would not confirm the report, but said they are investigating the situation.
Police say the alleged acts happened at the teacher's home in Broken Arrow. The student was not in school Thursday, but the district would not confirm if the teacher has been suspended.
We tried to contact that teacher, but she did not return our phone calls. Broken Arrow Police tell us they have not filed charges in the case because the investigation is still in its preliminary stages.
This teacher is my sons, the student, was his classmate, sat one row over.
Thursday February 16, 2006 6:04pm Reporter: Kim Jackson Posted By: Kevin King
Broken Arrow - A female teacher in the Union Public Schools district is under investigation. Police say she allegedly had sex with one of her 15-year-old students. NewsChannel 8's Kim Jackson has been investigating the incident.
Police are talking to the boy and his family. They are investigating the boy's alleged involvement with a 28-year-old Science teacher.
Union school officials would not confirm the report, but said they are investigating the situation.
Police say the alleged acts happened at the teacher's home in Broken Arrow. The student was not in school Thursday, but the district would not confirm if the teacher has been suspended.
We tried to contact that teacher, but she did not return our phone calls. Broken Arrow Police tell us they have not filed charges in the case because the investigation is still in its preliminary stages.
This teacher is my sons, the student, was his classmate, sat one row over.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
The Honesty of Cats
Pearls and Dreams
My cats facinate me. No matter what I want them to do ... they do what they want when they want and no matter what anyone thinks ... they are going to be who they are.
Loving, kind, cranky, mean, sweet, stuck up, playful, scared, angry, talkative, quiet, contemplative, friendly, standoffish, notice me, don't look at me ...
Doesn't matter ...they are going to BE who they are and if it changes from moment to moment. soooo be it!
I have 2 of the prettiest, sweetest, most fully emotional cats on the planet ... by that ... I mean ...some days ... they act like normal cats, they are aloof and snobby ...and other days ... they are as playful as a puppy ...
Whatever the case ... they just don't base what I think of them on how they act ...
They seem to know that I am going to love them no matter how weird they get.
Why can't I be more like that? I know that God is going to love me no matter how weird I get. I know my friends are going to love me no matter how weird I get (right PMBeers?If we haven't stopped after all our weirdness, we never will.) I know my family is going to love me no matter how weird I get. So why do I keep my masks in place and when I DO pull them down ..why do I just find more to take their places????????
Heart of Lace
by Peggikaye Eagler
The mask that I wear,
Hides a wall of tears.
The smile shines bright,
Hiding shadows of fears.
You ask me, I'm fine,
But my heart cries in pain.
You hear my laughter,
Not the whispers of shame.
What I show my friends,
Is not what's inside.
What is shown to the world,
Covers well what I hide.
The mask seems so thick,
It's glued to my face.
The clothing of stability,
Covers a heart of torn lace.
Just how to unmask,
My coverings of show.
Just how to trust,
Is something I don't know.
Will I ever attain
Who I long to be?
If I'm hiding behind
A person who is not me?
Peggikaye Eagler
My cats facinate me. No matter what I want them to do ... they do what they want when they want and no matter what anyone thinks ... they are going to be who they are.
Loving, kind, cranky, mean, sweet, stuck up, playful, scared, angry, talkative, quiet, contemplative, friendly, standoffish, notice me, don't look at me ...
Doesn't matter ...they are going to BE who they are and if it changes from moment to moment. soooo be it!
I have 2 of the prettiest, sweetest, most fully emotional cats on the planet ... by that ... I mean ...some days ... they act like normal cats, they are aloof and snobby ...and other days ... they are as playful as a puppy ...
Whatever the case ... they just don't base what I think of them on how they act ...
They seem to know that I am going to love them no matter how weird they get.
Why can't I be more like that? I know that God is going to love me no matter how weird I get. I know my friends are going to love me no matter how weird I get (right PMBeers?If we haven't stopped after all our weirdness, we never will.) I know my family is going to love me no matter how weird I get. So why do I keep my masks in place and when I DO pull them down ..why do I just find more to take their places????????
Heart of Lace
by Peggikaye Eagler
The mask that I wear,
Hides a wall of tears.
The smile shines bright,
Hiding shadows of fears.
You ask me, I'm fine,
But my heart cries in pain.
You hear my laughter,
Not the whispers of shame.
What I show my friends,
Is not what's inside.
What is shown to the world,
Covers well what I hide.
The mask seems so thick,
It's glued to my face.
The clothing of stability,
Covers a heart of torn lace.
Just how to unmask,
My coverings of show.
Just how to trust,
Is something I don't know.
Will I ever attain
Who I long to be?
If I'm hiding behind
A person who is not me?
Peggikaye Eagler
Monday, February 13, 2006
Contemplation
I can't figure out if I grow more in the times that I have no computer and have to spend my time not able to distract myself ... or if I grow more when I am actually looking into the things that make me tick and learning about me.
While gone from cyberspace, I learned things about myself, I'd rather not have learned. They were not easy and they have caused much discomfort. They have forced quite a bit of growth that has caused significant excitement on the part of my therapist and psychiatrist ... and much discomfort and gritting of teeth on my part. However, since being back in cyberspace ... I have learned even MORE about said issues ... and a few connected issues ... that I hadn't realized were connected (thanks to a stupid website my psychiatrist asked me to check out!) and am learning even more than I'd learned in the previous few months ...
Growing ... not the easiest thing in the world.
While gone from cyberspace, I learned things about myself, I'd rather not have learned. They were not easy and they have caused much discomfort. They have forced quite a bit of growth that has caused significant excitement on the part of my therapist and psychiatrist ... and much discomfort and gritting of teeth on my part. However, since being back in cyberspace ... I have learned even MORE about said issues ... and a few connected issues ... that I hadn't realized were connected (thanks to a stupid website my psychiatrist asked me to check out!) and am learning even more than I'd learned in the previous few months ...
Growing ... not the easiest thing in the world.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Pearls and Dreams
Pearls and Dreams
A small grain of sand may seem to only cause pain, but you never know when it will turn to a Precious Pearl and give birth to a life of DREAMS
A small grain of sand may seem to only cause pain, but you never know when it will turn to a Precious Pearl and give birth to a life of DREAMS
Friday, February 10, 2006
Big news
I have been gone for months and it seems like years. What God has done ... is more than I could have ever imagined. Above what I could have asked or thought.
As some of you knew, My family was working toward getting a house through Habitat for Humanity. That required 450 hours of sweat equity. Don put in 18 hours, and I did the rest. Most families finished (even the single mom's) in about 4 to 6 months. It took me, however, from June 2004 until October 2005, because of my health issues.
I almost wound up in the hospital more times than I can count.
It was exhausting. Don seemed to resent every hour I put in on the house and instead of supporting me, would fight. The more I did ...the more abusive and angry he became.
The homelife became worse and worse and worse. My house was a spiritual and emotional battlefield. I would go to church ... and I truely understood the term sanctuary ... that will never again be just an architectual term for me as it is for most people. Church services were truely a sanctuary from the war inside my home.
The worse my homelife got, the further into God I had to dive. I actually finally went to my pastor and admitted to him most (but not all) of the horrors going on inside my house. Halloween weekend, Benjamin asked me if when we got our new house if we could make Daddy move out and if a judge would make him and his brother see him. When I told my pastor about it, my pastor realized just how desperate of a situation I was truely in.
However, I was still stuck in the situation of needing that Habitat house or living in government housing for the rest of my life. So, my pastor, reluctantly, stood with me, praying with me for endurance and patience and SAFETY, until the house could be built.
A few days later, I finished the 450 hours. 5 Days later, Habitat called and said that even though they promised us that they'd build in the area of town that we live in, that they would not be doing it, and we would need to move clear to the other side of town (about 30 miles away). BOTH Don and I freaked out.
We appealed and were told no. I wrote a letter telling them that if they make us move they would be removing us from our medical support system, our family support system, our spiritual support system and our emotional support system. They said no. They had made a commitment with the city of Tulsa to revitalize that other area of Tulsa and that is where all the building is taking place.
Don (and I for that matter) was furious and wanted to go down and fight. Which terrified me. I was not going to let him ruin all my hard work. I felt that gathering my prayer partners would have a far better effect. I barely kept him out of the Habitat office. We had till January 31 to pick a lot ... and if we didn't we'd be removed from the program.
In the meantime, my mother had a knee replacement surgery in October, she had an allergic reaction to lortab (her tongue swelled & hives) and then did not react to morphine AT ALL (no drowsy, no sleep, no pain relief ...nada ... nothing) then she needed a blood transfusion ...then she started to hallucinate on the darvocet (what's that about ... morphine doesnt' do anything and you hallucinate on DARVOCET?)
When she finally got out, she was VERY sick ... and for 2 months could not function on her own. Don be came very jealous of my caring for her and became even angrier.
Things became worse and worse and worse. The Tuesday before Christmas, I had an appointment with my pastor and he and I discussed the Habitat situation and the worsening situation in my house. As well as some stuff that had come out in my own emotions this fall ... some realizations about my own history ... the true root of my eating disorder ... situations that I thought were one thing... that were really another ... I realized that I really had been a victim of sexual assault as a child/teen ... I never forgot the situations ...but somehow, I thought they didn't 'count' ... so all this is bubbling up ... all at the same time ... and Don is becoming worse as the days tick on ...
My pastor was very concerned and says that if Habitat won't build where we need him, and Don won't go, I need to consider going anyway. Then he rephrased it and said that I need to go anyway. He had no intention of letting me let Don move into the new house until or unless he knew that I was safer than what I currently was. I knew he was right.
AT the same time, my drawing closer to God was giving me a strange since of comfort ... I knew that GOD was my rock, my source ... and he had planted my feet ..and he was my shelter ... and not Habitat ...and it was going to be OK. Either they were going to honor their agreement and build where they said they would, or God would make it clear why HE wanted me moved across town away from everything within my reach. I also knew that HE was being my husband when Don was not.
Also, last summer, had come to realize that the onlything that was going to help Don was my testimony (1 Peter 3)
And was standing and praying on scripture afte scripture after scripture ... daily ....
The wednesday before Christmas, we came home from church and I gave Don a cup of coffee without him asking for it. He wanted to know what I wanted. I didn't want anything, I never do when I get him one. He tore into me accusing me of manipulation (a normal reaction).
I looked at him and said
"I gave it to you to see you smile. That's why I do things for you, to see you smile. Last week when you were sick, I made you chicken noodle soup to see you smile. I could have gone to the store and gotten Campbells, which you like, by the way, but I made it from scratch ... to see you smile. Did I ask you for anything? Name one time in the 18 years we've been married that I've made you chicken noodle soup I've actually asked for anything in return! When I get you a cup of coffee, it's to see you smile! Name ONE time in 18 years I've asked for anything in return! When I bring you a blanket when you're sitting in your chair and I see you're cold, It's to make you warm, name one time I've asked for something ... it's to see you smile!"
For 10 minutes, I listed thing after thing after thing that I do for him on a weekly and daily basis for him ..just to see him smile.
He just gave me a blank look and walked out of the house.
Weird. Don doesn't drop arguements.
The next day, we had to go Christmas shopping.
Saturday, we both still had to go Christmas shopping, Don was annoyed that I wasn't done. I reminded him I hadn't had time ..and he said "I know, I'm sorry"
My head jerked up ... Don, had NEVER apologized. Now, I had already noticed that we had 48 hours of calm in the house, which was weird ..now he said he was sorry?
Christmas day was NICE, pleasant ..fun even ... strange.
Two days after christmas, he picked an argument over money ..then called me to apologize and said it was no big deal. HUH????? WHAT?!
A week later, my house was still calm and I called my pastor and told him something strange was going on, but I wasn't sure what and wasn't sure if I should say anything or not. He agreed that I should probably let Don lead the conversation.
The next Sunday, Don and I went out for coffee. We'd been sitting there for 2 1/2 hours, laughing, talking, enjoying each other's company. A friend whom we've known since before we were married came up and asked me who the man I was with was ... and said it couldn't be Don because he hadn't picked a single fight with me.
I told him I didn't know, but I thought I'd keep him!
So then I said "Now that Milo's brought it up ... you've changed dramatically ... what's up"
He told me that he'd gone through his life thinking that his relationship with God was fine, people were the problem.
He and a friend were talking and the Wednesday before Christmas, his friend made him realize, that he'd been holding a grudge against God ... and that made every thing that anyone did nice for him look like a manipulation .. and then he went home ...picked a fight with me ..to which I laid it out for him that I never do that ... and I just want to see him smile ...
He left ..and went and talked to God.
He told God that he wanted God to take over ...and that he wanted to surrender his life to God ...and that he wanted God in control not him anymore.He wanted God to forgive him and he wanted to be the husband and father and man God created him to be.
He came home a new man. Literally. A demascus road experience.
He is so not who he was. The change was complete, total and thourough.
It has taught me a wonderful lesson about God's forgiveness for us. I now have a clear understanding of how God can no longer see our sins once he forgives us ..how it goes into the sea of forgetfulness as far as the east is from the west ...
Forgiving him was so easy ...Don is so different ... that nothing he did before that Wednesday before Christmas matters. He is NOT that man. None of the abuse, none of the infedelity, none of the cruelness ... that is not who he is ...so it doesn't matter. He truely is a new creation in Christ and therefore he is not accountable for those actions, they have been washed clean by the blood of Christ.
It has been an incredible journey. My husband walked out the door that night an angry, bitter, abusive man who had cheated on me, would not back me up parenting and would not make the boys do chores and was completely inconsistant
He walked in
Kind, gentle, patient, with self control, and loving, supportive and suddenly we were on the same page parenting with him backing me up and HIM making the boys do chores and and consistency has become his main characteristic!
.
As some of you knew, My family was working toward getting a house through Habitat for Humanity. That required 450 hours of sweat equity. Don put in 18 hours, and I did the rest. Most families finished (even the single mom's) in about 4 to 6 months. It took me, however, from June 2004 until October 2005, because of my health issues.
I almost wound up in the hospital more times than I can count.
It was exhausting. Don seemed to resent every hour I put in on the house and instead of supporting me, would fight. The more I did ...the more abusive and angry he became.
The homelife became worse and worse and worse. My house was a spiritual and emotional battlefield. I would go to church ... and I truely understood the term sanctuary ... that will never again be just an architectual term for me as it is for most people. Church services were truely a sanctuary from the war inside my home.
The worse my homelife got, the further into God I had to dive. I actually finally went to my pastor and admitted to him most (but not all) of the horrors going on inside my house. Halloween weekend, Benjamin asked me if when we got our new house if we could make Daddy move out and if a judge would make him and his brother see him. When I told my pastor about it, my pastor realized just how desperate of a situation I was truely in.
However, I was still stuck in the situation of needing that Habitat house or living in government housing for the rest of my life. So, my pastor, reluctantly, stood with me, praying with me for endurance and patience and SAFETY, until the house could be built.
A few days later, I finished the 450 hours. 5 Days later, Habitat called and said that even though they promised us that they'd build in the area of town that we live in, that they would not be doing it, and we would need to move clear to the other side of town (about 30 miles away). BOTH Don and I freaked out.
We appealed and were told no. I wrote a letter telling them that if they make us move they would be removing us from our medical support system, our family support system, our spiritual support system and our emotional support system. They said no. They had made a commitment with the city of Tulsa to revitalize that other area of Tulsa and that is where all the building is taking place.
Don (and I for that matter) was furious and wanted to go down and fight. Which terrified me. I was not going to let him ruin all my hard work. I felt that gathering my prayer partners would have a far better effect. I barely kept him out of the Habitat office. We had till January 31 to pick a lot ... and if we didn't we'd be removed from the program.
In the meantime, my mother had a knee replacement surgery in October, she had an allergic reaction to lortab (her tongue swelled & hives) and then did not react to morphine AT ALL (no drowsy, no sleep, no pain relief ...nada ... nothing) then she needed a blood transfusion ...then she started to hallucinate on the darvocet (what's that about ... morphine doesnt' do anything and you hallucinate on DARVOCET?)
When she finally got out, she was VERY sick ... and for 2 months could not function on her own. Don be came very jealous of my caring for her and became even angrier.
Things became worse and worse and worse. The Tuesday before Christmas, I had an appointment with my pastor and he and I discussed the Habitat situation and the worsening situation in my house. As well as some stuff that had come out in my own emotions this fall ... some realizations about my own history ... the true root of my eating disorder ... situations that I thought were one thing... that were really another ... I realized that I really had been a victim of sexual assault as a child/teen ... I never forgot the situations ...but somehow, I thought they didn't 'count' ... so all this is bubbling up ... all at the same time ... and Don is becoming worse as the days tick on ...
My pastor was very concerned and says that if Habitat won't build where we need him, and Don won't go, I need to consider going anyway. Then he rephrased it and said that I need to go anyway. He had no intention of letting me let Don move into the new house until or unless he knew that I was safer than what I currently was. I knew he was right.
AT the same time, my drawing closer to God was giving me a strange since of comfort ... I knew that GOD was my rock, my source ... and he had planted my feet ..and he was my shelter ... and not Habitat ...and it was going to be OK. Either they were going to honor their agreement and build where they said they would, or God would make it clear why HE wanted me moved across town away from everything within my reach. I also knew that HE was being my husband when Don was not.
Also, last summer, had come to realize that the onlything that was going to help Don was my testimony (1 Peter 3)
And was standing and praying on scripture afte scripture after scripture ... daily ....
The wednesday before Christmas, we came home from church and I gave Don a cup of coffee without him asking for it. He wanted to know what I wanted. I didn't want anything, I never do when I get him one. He tore into me accusing me of manipulation (a normal reaction).
I looked at him and said
"I gave it to you to see you smile. That's why I do things for you, to see you smile. Last week when you were sick, I made you chicken noodle soup to see you smile. I could have gone to the store and gotten Campbells, which you like, by the way, but I made it from scratch ... to see you smile. Did I ask you for anything? Name one time in the 18 years we've been married that I've made you chicken noodle soup I've actually asked for anything in return! When I get you a cup of coffee, it's to see you smile! Name ONE time in 18 years I've asked for anything in return! When I bring you a blanket when you're sitting in your chair and I see you're cold, It's to make you warm, name one time I've asked for something ... it's to see you smile!"
For 10 minutes, I listed thing after thing after thing that I do for him on a weekly and daily basis for him ..just to see him smile.
He just gave me a blank look and walked out of the house.
Weird. Don doesn't drop arguements.
The next day, we had to go Christmas shopping.
Saturday, we both still had to go Christmas shopping, Don was annoyed that I wasn't done. I reminded him I hadn't had time ..and he said "I know, I'm sorry"
My head jerked up ... Don, had NEVER apologized. Now, I had already noticed that we had 48 hours of calm in the house, which was weird ..now he said he was sorry?
Christmas day was NICE, pleasant ..fun even ... strange.
Two days after christmas, he picked an argument over money ..then called me to apologize and said it was no big deal. HUH????? WHAT?!
A week later, my house was still calm and I called my pastor and told him something strange was going on, but I wasn't sure what and wasn't sure if I should say anything or not. He agreed that I should probably let Don lead the conversation.
The next Sunday, Don and I went out for coffee. We'd been sitting there for 2 1/2 hours, laughing, talking, enjoying each other's company. A friend whom we've known since before we were married came up and asked me who the man I was with was ... and said it couldn't be Don because he hadn't picked a single fight with me.
I told him I didn't know, but I thought I'd keep him!
So then I said "Now that Milo's brought it up ... you've changed dramatically ... what's up"
He told me that he'd gone through his life thinking that his relationship with God was fine, people were the problem.
He and a friend were talking and the Wednesday before Christmas, his friend made him realize, that he'd been holding a grudge against God ... and that made every thing that anyone did nice for him look like a manipulation .. and then he went home ...picked a fight with me ..to which I laid it out for him that I never do that ... and I just want to see him smile ...
He left ..and went and talked to God.
He told God that he wanted God to take over ...and that he wanted to surrender his life to God ...and that he wanted God in control not him anymore.He wanted God to forgive him and he wanted to be the husband and father and man God created him to be.
He came home a new man. Literally. A demascus road experience.
He is so not who he was. The change was complete, total and thourough.
It has taught me a wonderful lesson about God's forgiveness for us. I now have a clear understanding of how God can no longer see our sins once he forgives us ..how it goes into the sea of forgetfulness as far as the east is from the west ...
Forgiving him was so easy ...Don is so different ... that nothing he did before that Wednesday before Christmas matters. He is NOT that man. None of the abuse, none of the infedelity, none of the cruelness ... that is not who he is ...so it doesn't matter. He truely is a new creation in Christ and therefore he is not accountable for those actions, they have been washed clean by the blood of Christ.
It has been an incredible journey. My husband walked out the door that night an angry, bitter, abusive man who had cheated on me, would not back me up parenting and would not make the boys do chores and was completely inconsistant
He walked in
Kind, gentle, patient, with self control, and loving, supportive and suddenly we were on the same page parenting with him backing me up and HIM making the boys do chores and and consistency has become his main characteristic!
.
Home again home again jiggity jig ....
Well ... there is no possible way I could catch up with one post ...and it's after midnight ... and ... I've been off line except to check emails at the library since July ...
So for now ... suffice it to say ... we have a brand new computer ... in our house .. and functioning ..and we are back in cyberspace! WHO HOO!!!!
Lots has happened ...
Long story short ..finished the 450 sweat equity Habitat hours ..but we're not building yet ... long story ... not sure when I'll tell it ... yes, we'll be building, but it will be a while.
Kids are doing fine. Benjamin is 14. That's all I'm saying about him.
Samuel, 16, has his driver's permit and gets to drive only when I'm in a really good mood ;)
He took his pre SAT and pre ACT tests in October. The scores came out last week. He scored a 25 on the ACT and a 740 on the Reading on the SAT and 620 on the Math ... next year when he takes it officially ... after a year of pre AP classes, he should score even higher! And can you imagine how high they'll be at the end of his senior year? :)
He's decided he wants to be a foriensic pathologist. I knew it ... I've known it forever ... I knew it'd be that or a lawyer or a pastor ... he says the pastor will still happen no matter what he does. He wants to be a working pastor (his mentor works as a math specialist and pastor's a small church).
My health ...let's not go there and say we did.
My mom had knee replacement in October, it was an awful experience ..she had an allergic reaction (complete with tongue swelling) to the lortab and then didn't have ANY reaction to the morphine ..including pain relief ... and then needed a blood transfusion ..then we had 2 loverly days of hallucinations while she was on darvocet (DARVOCET????????yes, Darvocet, morphine effected her like tylenol and Darvocet sent her into never never land ...go figure)
After the surgery, she could not get better, and after 2 months she was still very sick ..they finally figured out that she had Celiac sprue ...great ... my grandmother had that ... ICK ...
She's now 20 lbs underweight ... my mother who 3 years ago was 112 lbs overweight!
Tuesday ..she is having her hip replaced. It's either now, or don't do it at all because it won't be replaceable ... and she'll have to spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair ...
My sister and I are really looking forward to the experience ... NOT.
I am teaching Sunday School now ... a ladies class ... wow .. me teaching.
There is tons more I have to share, but that's the short version ...
Looking forward to getting caught back up ...
So for now ... suffice it to say ... we have a brand new computer ... in our house .. and functioning ..and we are back in cyberspace! WHO HOO!!!!
Lots has happened ...
Long story short ..finished the 450 sweat equity Habitat hours ..but we're not building yet ... long story ... not sure when I'll tell it ... yes, we'll be building, but it will be a while.
Kids are doing fine. Benjamin is 14. That's all I'm saying about him.
Samuel, 16, has his driver's permit and gets to drive only when I'm in a really good mood ;)
He took his pre SAT and pre ACT tests in October. The scores came out last week. He scored a 25 on the ACT and a 740 on the Reading on the SAT and 620 on the Math ... next year when he takes it officially ... after a year of pre AP classes, he should score even higher! And can you imagine how high they'll be at the end of his senior year? :)
He's decided he wants to be a foriensic pathologist. I knew it ... I've known it forever ... I knew it'd be that or a lawyer or a pastor ... he says the pastor will still happen no matter what he does. He wants to be a working pastor (his mentor works as a math specialist and pastor's a small church).
My health ...let's not go there and say we did.
My mom had knee replacement in October, it was an awful experience ..she had an allergic reaction (complete with tongue swelling) to the lortab and then didn't have ANY reaction to the morphine ..including pain relief ... and then needed a blood transfusion ..then we had 2 loverly days of hallucinations while she was on darvocet (DARVOCET????????yes, Darvocet, morphine effected her like tylenol and Darvocet sent her into never never land ...go figure)
After the surgery, she could not get better, and after 2 months she was still very sick ..they finally figured out that she had Celiac sprue ...great ... my grandmother had that ... ICK ...
She's now 20 lbs underweight ... my mother who 3 years ago was 112 lbs overweight!
Tuesday ..she is having her hip replaced. It's either now, or don't do it at all because it won't be replaceable ... and she'll have to spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair ...
My sister and I are really looking forward to the experience ... NOT.
I am teaching Sunday School now ... a ladies class ... wow .. me teaching.
There is tons more I have to share, but that's the short version ...
Looking forward to getting caught back up ...
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