It is what it is

Recently, I was asked what it was like to be back in school at my age ... a few thoughts come to mind:

struggling to gain knowlege/skills in an area that I've always struggled with while watching students younger than my youngest is not fun and plays havok with my emotions.

Struggling to understand what comes so easily for others ... plays havok with my emotions

Remembering being given a list of facts to study for a test and reading it a couple of times and acing the test while I have to crack the books now, and actually STUDY to learn and understand because memorization is not going to happen like it did when I was a kid ... plays havok with my emotions.

Having a hot flash in the middle of algebra ...plays havok with my desire to not make a fool of myself. (this happened on Monday!)

Understanding concepts that seem foreign (and unfathomable) to my peers because they cannot imagine ever making the choices I've made or choices those we're studying have made ... boosts my self esteem.

Understanding that this will allow me to change my reality once I finally get those coveted letters behind my name is priceless and keeps me focused.

Knowing this is not an exercise in futility as some of my classmates fear ... is priceless.

Knowing it's improving who I am as
a woman
a wife
a mother
a citizen of Oklahoma
a citizen of the United States
a patient
a human
is unimaginable.

Being unsure of how this will all play out in the grand scheme of things .. a bit disconcerting.
Being unsure, at times, that physically this will work .. a bit disconcerting.

Being sure that I have no choice but to proceed because the what if's would haunt me forever ...comforting.