It is what it is

Recently, I was asked what it was like to be back in school at my age ... a few thoughts come to mind:

struggling to gain knowlege/skills in an area that I've always struggled with while watching students younger than my youngest is not fun and plays havok with my emotions.

Struggling to understand what comes so easily for others ... plays havok with my emotions

Remembering being given a list of facts to study for a test and reading it a couple of times and acing the test while I have to crack the books now, and actually STUDY to learn and understand because memorization is not going to happen like it did when I was a kid ... plays havok with my emotions.

Having a hot flash in the middle of algebra ...plays havok with my desire to not make a fool of myself. (this happened on Monday!)

Understanding concepts that seem foreign (and unfathomable) to my peers because they cannot imagine ever making the choices I've made or choices those we're studying have made ... boosts my self esteem.

Understanding that this will allow me to change my reality once I finally get those coveted letters behind my name is priceless and keeps me focused.

Knowing this is not an exercise in futility as some of my classmates fear ... is priceless.

Knowing it's improving who I am as
a woman
a wife
a mother
a citizen of Oklahoma
a citizen of the United States
a patient
a human
is unimaginable.

Being unsure of how this will all play out in the grand scheme of things .. a bit disconcerting.
Being unsure, at times, that physically this will work .. a bit disconcerting.

Being sure that I have no choice but to proceed because the what if's would haunt me forever ...comforting.

long semester

August 30, Benjamin wakes up sick ...and today, October 11, is his first day back at school.

It's been a long several weeks.

We've had many concerns for the present and his future.

We've made some choices that others will not agree with, but ...we have to do what we feel is best. The scary thing is, on more than one occassion those choices did not turn out to be the best. But, I can only go with what I have now when making the choice.

Front and center in my mind is the choice to hold him back after kindergarten. The idea was that he'd have an extra year to learn the academics and mature. The maturity came, but the academics did not, and because he'd been held back, while the deficits between his age and his ability were strong, the deficits between GRADE and ability were not as strong. So, the district being who they are did not give him an IEP (without a court order) until 2nd grade.

Their idea of 'early intervention' is IEP by the 3rd grade ... that's not early ... when they qualify at age 3.

He's struggled for his entire life. He's been behind the 8 ball, so to speak from the moment he was born.

Our choices now seem to be the lesser of the evils, but by no means, a good choice!

I'm sure I post more later, but for now, those choices will remain private.

As far as me and the difficult class ...we're still on the eye. For 8 weeks, we've been on the eye and vision and at least one more week to go ... I'm ready for some other senses to study!

Breathing Again

So, I get up at 6:30 to go to the Beginning Algebra class my instructor invited me to. I go to the 8 am class, come home and spend the day studying for tonight’s test. The information is dense, the topic is difficult and communication lacking with the professor.
Nothing with the referral has changed and my schedule seems impossible to keep up. Doubts about my physical ability to get through this process were creeping in …
Doubts about my ability to provide what my son needs were starting to overwhelm.
Doubts … doubts … and fear.
I drive to school and I tell God I cannot take yet another stress and have got to have some of the stressors removed.

I’m sitting in the middle of the test about ganglion retinal cells, LGN and parvocellular and it’s functions and a tune pops into my head … la lalala la la la…
A few more questions and the tune persists …
La lalalallalla …
As I look at the essay questions sure I do not know the answer for any of them I started to struggle to breathe …fighting the tears and the words
“you cannot loose my love” to the tune going through my head …
I finish the test, I go out to my car and turn on the CD in the car, the song playing finishes and the next song starts

You will loose your baby teeth, at times you’ll lose your faith in me. You will lose a lot of things, but you cannot loose my love.

I sit there for a few minutes, taking breathes that I’d not breathed in several weeks, if not since the day Benjamin got sick … feeling it go from my nose to my throat ..to my chest and into my abdomen …

I realize that I’d let stress take the place of my faith. I’d let my choices for coping loom as an option …

“you may lose your appetite, your guiding sense of wrong or right”

I’d let what I’d experienced replace what I knew to be true …

“You may lose your will to fight, but you cannot lose my love”

Something happened this time … nothing kicked in my fight mode, I was left feeling worn down, tired and helpless … When there is a fight, I know what to do. I know what steps to take. I know what the enemy is and where it is and how to fight it. But with this … this was just a reminder of all I was not, could not do and how helpless I was.

“you will loose your confidence, in times of trial your common sense”

I was putting all my eggs, all my sons eggs, into one basket, and the responsibility for the protection of those eggs were all on me. They weren’t God’s or my husbands … they were all up to me and I was seeing them flying through the air and being smashed in a gooey mess on the ground.

You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

I cannot lose His love … and the breathe reached my toes. I could feel the peace flooding over me, with each inhale and protection of my God with each exhale …


Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.

I’d forgotten, briefly …what I believed. I put my faith for my child in my hands. I forgot that HE is my source of strength, not me.

No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose my love.

One way or another, it will be ok. My son will be ok. I will be ok ..no matter the outcome … we will be ok. Not because I’ve done all the right things or never made a misstep ..but because my faith is in the one who made me … he’s been here with me each and every moment, waiting for the moment I turn to Him and let Him breathe in me.

You Cannot Lose My Love
By Sara Groves

You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose my love.

so, nothing has changed ... no choice was made easier ... no new solution that was more palatable ... no sudden understanding of concepts that were wrapping me up in fear ... nothing changed except my focus.