Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Drawing to a close

There is just a few weeks left in this first semester.
This semester that has started this new journey of the second half of my life. My mid life crisis so to speak.

I'm anxious for it to end and the second semester to start, to begin the next leg of learning ... to get on with things. To move forward.

This all feels so right ...

I think a part of me thought I'd start my process and then get overwhelmed, and quit part way through the first semester. It'd not be so far out of my history of behavior ... my past ... my character...it wouldn't be unusual for me.

But as the semester has gone on, I've become more determined, I've felt more at home as a student, I've become more settled ...and felt less incomplete.
It would feel more out of character for me to drop out than for me to finish.

The Peggi who didn't finish things ...simply isn't the Peggikaye who finishes what she starts.

We had to do a take home test for psychology, and it included some self evaluations ... James Marcia's identity.
The gathering before class came up and one of the guys sat down and said "hello Mrs Achieved"

I was startled

ME? Achieved ...
Forclosed maybe

Diffused definitely

Moratorium ...most of my life

Achieved???????? ME? Peggikaye

Then one of the other women asked me for help on one of the questions ... what? She's one of the great students ...and as I looked up, the students were around my feet ...looking to me. I was so confused!!!

When did this happen?!?
When DID *I* become the achieved ?

The instructor came down the hallway and grinned at me. She opened the door and let the students in and as I walked in, she said to me "you've picked a good major you know."

I have always felt so ... far out of sorts ...and always so far out of the picture ..and so far out of things ... I think I even started to blog to try to get my head around my own little picture of my own little world ... it helped ..that's for sure.

But to realize ...that I'm finding my way in the world ...and others are seeing that and respecting that ... RESPECTING THAT ... is to me ... a new feeling. A strange feeling. A good feeling.

Achieved ... Achieved ... wow

I'm getting there. I'm where I belong in life ...and secure ...in spite of some pain and cruddiness that is going on in the peripheral with family situation

Who I am ... is achieved.

Monday, November 03, 2008


This is me at about age 10 or so.
princess robe
This is the man I grew up believing he was my step father. There is significant reason to believe he is my biological father.

picutres of old


picutres of old 2

Pictures of me as a child and adult, along with pictures of my 'step' father. He was Daddy to me. I will never understand why secrets are so important to keep. Secrets always come out, and when the truth comes out, feelings are hurt ...far less than if truth be told from the start.

In my case ... the secret kept me from
having my Daddy, be DADDY ... step siblings I adore that are more than likely half siblings ...and most of all ... I could have had his name.

It forced contact with a man who not only rejected me at the start, but continues to reject to this day.

The wounds that could have been prevented if only the truth was told, amazes me.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

5 weeks to go

There are 5 weeks left in my return to school. Well, 5 weeks left in the first semester of my return to school. Can't even imagine how long this process will take. I try to not think about that.

This semester has just flown by. Some great moments, some really tough moments ..but over all, I'm very glad I made this decision.

The hardest part has been the algebra. I've really struggled with it ..and the realization that there is more to it than my just not liking it ...has been rather eye opening.

Some realization that ...
my 'stubborn streak' as a teenager was less stubborn and more fear.
this really *IS* difficult for my brain, I'm not just being lazy or stubborn.
I still have to get past this.

Has made for an interesting few weeks as I've adjusted to the knowlege that I've got a math learning disability.

Some of the clues given to me, and some of the tutoring has helped, at least in the homework ... I still failed my 3rd test. There is no way for me to pull this grade out of the fire.

I'm going to talk, this week, to my professor about taking an incomplete, then auditing his class next semester, and then finishing it during that class. Maybe ..maybe I can make some sense out of it.

I know that even if I could pull my grade out of the fire, I am in no way shape or form ready to move on ... I don't 'get it' enough.

They'll move on faster than I am ready to move on, I need more time for this.

I'm hoping he'll agree to this, it's the only way around financial aides refusal to allow a student to repeat a class ...

The other frustrating factor is ... financial aide. It's still not in for this semester, much less next. I can't even register for next semester's classes (Which are filling at a remarkable pace) because they have a hold on me, because financial aide hasn't been granted.

Why? Because they messed up and saw the hold that we took care of before school ...whoever went to package my financial aid saw the hold from this summer ...and put it in the reject file.

Only problem with reject pile ..they wait till they finish everyone's financial aide, then go and send the letters of rejection. (and that makes sense because ???? you want to give students 2 weeks to come up with other means of paying for classes they've already taken and thought financial aide would cover it ...)

So, I went to find out why my son had financial aide ...and I didn't ...and we submitted on the same day.
That's when we found out about the rejection. Um ..only there was NO HOLD!!! I'd taken care of the hold ... (a defaulted student loan, 21 years old ... from a trade school that got in trouble with the government for taking advantage of students ...so much trouble they were shut down!!)
regardless, the default was taken care of ..and I was no longer on hold ... but the person who went to package me saw the 'default hold' and yet ... failed to read farther to see I was no longer in default! They just plopped me in the reject file!