Cold.

I just wrote a whole post ...and second guessed myself.

I don't do that often ... but occassionally I do.

I want to post about why I'm not in therapy anymore ..and what happened. Each time I go to do it, I stop myself. It wasn't my idea, nor the idea of my therapist, but rather, a rather sudden decision of the eating disorder clinic. Based on the actions of someone no longer involved in my treatment.

I always start to post, because it's such a hot topic to me ..then wonder what would happen to my therapist if something happened because of my post. It wasn't fair that I was removed from her care ...so much so, that in the meeting with the clinic director, herself and me ..she kept using the phrase "Patient abandonment" while he kept shooting her visual darts that if looks could kill, she'd not have survived the hour.

It was such a hot topic that it left me unwilling to see another therapist ..at all.

And yet ... I'm going back to school to become a psychologist. How ironic is that?

Granted, I'm going to do child psychology, not therapy for adults with issues such as eating disorders, PTSD, or any such issues ...but still.

Part of me left the office that day (ironically, April 1) determined that it would be the end of the eating disorder, therefore, it wouldn't matter. How I thought I'd accomplish that feat after years of not being able to, I've no idea. My recent blood test still showed a protein defieciency ... constant cold ..very cold ..docs answer ..nutrition. Stomach pain ... possible scar tissue from gallbladder surgery (having scan on Monday) but most likely caused from not eating enough over last year and a half. (not real sure how that one works ...) Metformin started ... bothers me ..called endo ... answer "increase calories to 1500, then if it still bothers, call back" DAGNABIT! Does everything come down to nutrition with me ..and why can't 800 to 1000 be enough (technically, I know the answer that remains, significantly beside the point.)


So I wonder ... will I ever have the courage to fully write about the events of April 1, 2008 ... or about what is really involved in my eating disorder. The first, I'm not sure I have the *right* to write about on a public blog, the second, I wonder ...maybe I have the responsibility of writing about ..at least some day.