Note ... I've done something unusual with this post. I was not looking for comfort, nor sympathy, nor empathy ...nor advice ... I needed to get this out of my system and in a way that was more than just to me. I think, I needed to tell someone. However, to have someone comment ..."I'm sorry" would not help. So, I've closed the comments on the post. I don't believe I've ever done this on my blog, but this time, this post was just for me to tell someone, but not to gain sympathy. So, for those of you who look for the comment button, it's not there. Sorry.
I contemplated writing about Thanksgiving. I have, a lot to be Thankful for. A LOT. My husband still being alive, is an amazing gift, I will forever be grateful for. The chances of me being a widow this Thanksgiving, seemed, last June, to be greater than lesser. I have two extremely great kids who've beaten odds that most people will never even begin to understand. I have a house that a lot of people in our situation never have the opportunity to have. I have, a future that 5 years ago, I did not think I would have. I have my book, how many people write a book and get it published by a royalty publisher? The Myasthenia Gravis, that was so very difficult just 6 years ago, is responding FAR better to the Cellcept than it ever did to the Imuran.
I can walk up stairs, I can exercise, I can actually sleep through the night without having to get up and take Mestinon ... I can take timespan Mestinon and get through the day without having to take Mestinon every 3 hours, plus 2 timespans, just to function ...and still sometimes have to have help getting dressed, and not be able to walk distances, or up stairs ... or ... any number of things I take for granted at this time.
I am incredibly grateful for those things. I know that you can read the but coming at the end of this, and there is.
Any psychiatrist, psychologist, and most ER docs, and primary care doc will tell you that holidays are the hardest time of the year for people who've suffered trauma in their lives. People go into holidays with expectations of good times, their family will be perfect,
"THIS YEAR the family will get together and the fights won't start, Uncle Jim won't drink (I don't have an Uncle Jim by the way) and everyone will be happy and Norman Rockwell will be able to paint a picture of our family gathering!"
Then ... the day comes ...and the green bean casserole burns, and Uncle Jim shows up with 2 drinks already under his belt and immediately starts to drink some more. Mom and Dad are arguing because Dad is watching football instead of helping and Aunt Sally is complaining because Grandma is critisizing the outfit she's wearing.
The same thing happened last year ...and the year before and the year before. The expectation of the Norman Rockwell painting flies out the window and you're left hoping that he doesn't show up like you invited him to and then the doorbell rings and you have your own melt down.
This year ... I'd purposefully planned a quiet Thanksgiving with just my immediate family ... my mom over for the Macy's Parade, but not the meal. I would NOT answer the phone when my Father called, that way, when he said something offensive, he could not hurt my feelings.
Somehow, it still managed to blow up in my face. Two years ago, I recieved, from my father, a Christmas card. In the card was an obituary notice of my all time favorite teacher.
That, in and of itself was difficult.
That, I could have accepted, all though I would have been annoyed and thought it would have been crass and uncouth. However, attached to the obituary was a note that said "I know that it's not appropriate to send this with a christmas card, but I thought you'd want to know right away."
EXCUSE ME??? You *KNOW* this is unappropriate to send with the Christmas card, and yet, you send it anyway. You acknowlege TO me, that you've done something that will shock me and hurt me and is inappropriate timing? How ultimately crass.
I showed it to my psychiatrist, because I wondered if I was over reacting. He was appalled and asked me if he often tried to hurt me on purpose like this? Ok, so I'm NOT over reacting. At least it wasn't me.
I then found out, that my teacher had died 3 weeks earlier, before my birthday, before Thanksgiving, and my Father had talked to me 2 times between the sending of the card ...and my teacher's death and obituary. Ok, so it was quite intentional. Thanks Dad.
So, We come to summer 2005, I sent him a letter (and blogged about it) I told him that he does things that hurt me. He, was non responsive and says "I do no such thing!" Yeah, ok, whatever ..but if you continue to do so,I will not continue to tolerate it.
February 2007, he gets married again ...the weekend of the anniversary of my stepfather's suicide. Gee, thanks Dad. Just stab me some more.
Come summer of 2007, and he comes for a visit. My husband enters the hospital May 23, CRITICALLY ill and we don't know if he's going to make it. My father, decides since he's coming in mid june, he'll just wait to come then. Gee, you think you might be *needed* ???? No, we can't change our plans ... we're coming when we're coming.
He's asked a few times to not visit because of how badly Don is feeling ... he shows up anyway ... heaven forbid that someone say he didn't show up to visit his sick son in law. (ya know, the fact that he was ASKED NOT TO, might have been more important than the fact that he did)
So, then, he's sent an invitation to our renewal of our vows for our 20th anniversary. (December 2) He never responds to me. Period. I still, have yet to hear from him. At all. He's not said BOO. Not a single acknowlegement that he even recieved the invitation. He did, however tell my son that he had something else to do that day. And since we didn't tell him before he came this summer, it would be a burden for him to come this winter. By the way, he did not come to my wedding (my first wedding) because it was "in the middle of the school year". It was however, thanksgiving weekend. He was a schoolteacher.
My sister, got married May 20 ... his school did not get out till Mid June ... there was no holiday weekend. He had to fly out on Saturday morning and fly out Sunday night. But for my wedding ..it was in the middle of the school year so he could not make it ...a holiday weekend. (granted, that marriage did not last, but, he did not know that, and it is beside the point, he was not there, he's never been to a wedding of mine, and was not going to be at my renewal ceremony)
We have cancelled the renewal ceremony because of health issues ... I wish we were having it. But his not being there, would not have bothered me, just his refusal to.
Now, all of this, some people would say there might be reasons for ... except ..that he left my mother the day that he found out that she was pregnant with me. He's been rejecting me since the day he found out that I was in existance ...
Is it me? No, it's his problem, I just get to pay a price for it.
Yesterday ... he did not call. I was relieved ... till I got an email at midnight. I would have been happier if he'd not made any contact at all. I had gone through the day thinking "he's getting it! He's finally getting it!!!"
Then came the email .."I tried to call you, but no one answered, is this your phone number?"
No, it wasn't ...
but the problem is ... he has my cell phone number, he has Don's cell phone number ... and he could have gotten our number from information, my sister, off the internet ... from my mother (who he has her number) and off the web ... not to mention that he also, as far as he knew, our home number is connected to the internet, with an 8' phone cord and we didn't use our home phone for conversation. (this, has been true for EIGHT YEARS!!!!!!!) He's not called our home phone to talk to us, since we got our cell phones.
So, emailing me at midnight, telling me that he and his new wife did not go anywhere yesterday, but that he tried to call, but could not get through ...all it did was say "I didn't really want to talk to you, but I had to say *I* tried, but it's your fault I didn't get through"
I'm done, I'm simply done.
Why this hurts, I don't know. I guess things between parents and children always will. A daughter deserves her father's love. It's his fault. I don't deserve this, and I know this! It's weird to be hurt by something that you don't even want. I guess, when you're satisfied by the lack of contact, it's one thing, but when they pretend to contact you, and then blame you, it's an opening of an old wound.
We won't even go into the sappy insincere birthday card he sent this week.