Thank you

20.5 years ago, my life changed. In one fell swoop I became a mom and a chronically ill patient in the same day. It took 2.5 years to get the diagnosis of Myasthenia Gravis.
My neurologist suggested I contact the MG Foundation for support. I did and then a year or two later was asked to join the board. I did. I particpated in fund raisers, support groups and other aspects.
I served for 3 years on the board.

During one of those years we had a fundraiser ..a fashion show and the guest speaker was a dynamic woman who, herself, had Myasthenia Gravis.

I sat in awe of her. I was still incredibly ill and had as many days as not that I was either unable to get up, or needed assistance in getting dressed. I could not drive. (Vision and what is hardest for people to understand, my leg was not strong enough to get the gas pedal enough pressure to go beyond 25 mph.)

She had MG, she was not in remission, she *had* been as sick as I was and yet, here she was speaking to the people supporting the MG foundation, patients, family, friends and media ... a chronically ill person and the first female chief of the cherokee nation.

Wilma Mankiller.

She spoke that day with confidence that while MG is difficult, it is not impossible to live with. It is something that is better now than it was in the 60's (and even better now 15 or so years later) and that she had hope for the future in MG care. She spoke of her role as Chief and what it meant to be a woman doing that job ..and a woman with health issues doing that job.

It all felt so undoable to me. I couldn't imagine ever feeling better. But I was determined to live the best life I could with what I had.

As the years went by, and the medications started to work, I began to understand her drive, her abilities and her passion for life.

My admiration of her grew and grew.

In the meantime, Wilma revitalized the Cherokee nation. Initiating projects like literacy and historical preservations. She was an outspoken (in a good way) advocate for women every where of every race, belief system and socioeconomic status.

This semester I picked a coarse in women's studies. For International Women's Day we did an awareness campaign. Our class had display tables of important women in the history of women's rights. I chose Wilma Mankiller for our group.

A week before the Awareness day, it was announced that Wilma had pancratic cancer. A direct result of the medications she has taken for Myasthenia Gravis (same drugs she needed to take after a kidney transplant, kidney disease being one of the many health issues she fought).

Today, sitting in class, watching a video a classmate turned her cell phone to me. Wilma Mankiller had passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 64.

Wilma, may you rest in peace and thank you for the influence in my life and the role model that you were to me. It is not a small thing that because of you, I knew I could do more despite MG.

Easter 2010 Easter 1974

beading

I was looking for a craft I could get into and do succesfully. I turned to beading. I have absolutely fallen in love with it!!

Mindfulness and Self Care

My therapist is good. Really good. She's managed to get me further toward recovery than either previous therapist. Oddly enough I felt more closely connected, emotionally, than with her.

Two things she is always talking to me about is Mindfulness and Self Care.

I've not done very well with wrapping my brain around those concepts. In the last 24 hours I've had 2 conversations where I saw people struggling and realized the hints given to me would be of help to them. In explaining it to them .. a switch was clicked in my brain. I got it! (guess that's why the say teachers tend to learn more than students?)

Mindfulness ..keeping your mind in the here and now. What is in front of you. Mindfulness is being researched a lot these days. UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center has much to say about Mindfulness.

What is Mindful Awareness?
Mindful Awareness - the moment-by-moment process of actively attending to, observing and drawing inferences from what one experiences. Mindful Awareness (also known as mindfulness) is an ancient concept with over 2,500 years of history and development that has recently been brought into health settings and has shown to have a powerful role on overall health promotion and healing for a variety of physical illnesses including cancer, heart disease, arthritis, auto-immune disorders, chronic pain, depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.


My therapist has given me a few exercises on it but it wasn't until today, explaining it to a friend just what it's meant. How to do it. I was reaching for a way to explain it, realized I needed to find something she could relate to ..ironically, it was also something *I* could relate to and it 'clicked' for me.

Coffee ... she and I both love coffee.
So, I told her to

Pick up the coffee cup.
Observe the coolness of the empty ceramic. The smoothness (if it is in fact smooth) of the cup, the texture, how heavy it is, what it FEELS like in the hand.
Fill the cup with the coffee. Notice the sound of the liquid pouring into the cup.
Pick up the mug, now feel the changes in the warmth of the mug. It's warmth escaping the mug to your hand, the steam warming your face.
Smell the coffee it's rich brew. What color is it? Dark, medium or maybe what my husband refers to as "newspaper coffee" (so weak you can read a newspaper through it)
Take a small taste (yes, even if you don't drink it black. Or maybe, especially if you don't drink it black)
Feel the liquid as it makes it's way down your throat
What muscles are used?
What does the bitterness taste like, pleasant? Unpleasant?
Aftertaste?

then go ahead and flavor the coffee with whatever you use to flavor it. Pay attention to the sound of the spoon in the cup as you stir it in.

Then taste it, what makes it different than black. Feel it warm your mouth and your throat as it makes its way into the stomach.

Breathe deep while doing all this ... Breathing in to the count of 4, holding for 4 and breathing out for the count of 8.

Paying attention to each step, each sensation (involving all of your senses) keeps you in the here and now. Not worried about if your child got off the bus with all their homework. What is for dinner 12 hours from now? Did I get everything done on yesterday's to do list? How can I possibly do everything on today's to do list?

For that few minutes ... you're there with a cup of coffee and nothing else matters.

It's calming
It's healing for the mind
It's refreshing
It's renewing.

Try it ... you'll be pleased with the result.
If you find yourself in the muddle of day to day worries or in a crisis ... you'll find that participating in a few minutes of mindfulness ... a few times a week ...or a day ... will bring peace.

Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Me Poster

Made this for therapy. Monday, we begin talking about sadness ... and the begin the process of trauma therapy. If you've read my blog for any length of time you know this is long over due. (and probably assumed I'd started it long ago ..but I didn't ..and now circumstances have pushed me to finally doing something about it)

3x + 2y = CRAZY

My 8 week algebra class is over. I got a 61%. Which, is significantly higher than the 45% I got my first time through Beginning Algebra.

My instructor reminded me that most people had this in high school. Very few in college didn't have it at all. So for them, it's a second time around, re introduction to skills they'd had but forgotten or never quite understood the first time. The fact that I never had it, and I'm trying to learn it at my current stage in life makes it harder. Taking an 8 week class probably didn't help ... most students get this in high school ... in 36 weeks. I'm taking it in collge, which is 16 weeks per semester and I took this one on fast track, 8 weeks. So I tried to absorb a full school years worth of info in just 8 weeks.

He suggested that I
memorize the formula's
memorize what a problem looks like that needs that particular formula
and memorize the vocabulary.
(like when the test asked me to rationalize a problem and I went blank because I had no clue what rationalize meant.)

He also said that if I get it down, college algebra wont' be that hard because while it is increasing in difficulty, it has very few new principals ... just new ways to use the ones you know.
(we'll see)

The nice thing about the 8 week is I get so confused, it just makes me more confused. This way it was all introduced to me and I know what I need to know ...and the confusion/frustration was only an 8 week process.

I plan on continuing to keep my schedule for homework. I'll just work on the principals that he told me to in the time that I was working on actual homework/studing for the class.

Eyes Open, Heart Broken

I've posted about my sons issues ...over and over again.

I've been aware of what his problems are almost from birth.

But I'm not sure I ever SAW it.

I was sitting in the library today, with someone attempting to tutor me in algebra.

I was on the verge of tears ... I was worn out ...tired ... and overwhelmed.

As we were discussing something, I don't know what ... it hit me .. this feeling that Algebra gives me ...it's the only subject that can reduce me to a pile of tears ... it is only in working with algebra that I feel
stupid
confused
unprepared
unable
brainless
half witted
simple
slow
dull
dumb

I could go on ..and yes, I do understand, intellectually that those adjectives do not apply to me ... most of them anyway (no one can deny that I'm unprepared for this or that I'm confused ...). I know I'm not stupid, dumb or brainless but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm sitting in a class full of people who are GETTING IT and everything might as well be taking place in French for all I understand. (I might understand more in French than Algebriac!)

It hit me ...my son has an IQ of 80, he has auditory and visual processing disorder, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome ...
Federal laws require students to work at CHRONILOGICAL Grade level rather than FUNCTIONAL grade level. He's working on 11th grade work with a 5th grade reading level. Take a 10 year old, throw them into school with Juniors and watch them succeed ...not!

This is how he feels, every minute of every school day ..and has for his whole school career! (which started at age 3 and he's now 18)

Wow ... while this will probably help me when I get to my degree and work with kids with issues ... I get it ... but what does it do for me as a mom who can't seem to help her son ...

I get it, my eyes are open ...but it breaks my heart that things are this hard!

Pefection's Secret Plans

By Peggikaye Eagler

Perfection comes in bright shiny clothes,
“Effortless” paths to my lofty goals.
Reminding me success with in an arm’s length,
Fear is subtle but it’s the true strength,
Ever whispering promises of delight,
Contradicting failures true plight.
Take my advice, it cajoles me often,
It keeps my heart from learning to soften,
Ominous demands, grow greater with time
Never knowing I’ve been trapped by its slime.
Destruction comes more subtly dressed,
Entering quietly whispering “no rest”
Side by Side with Perfection performs
Truth is hidden about my life’s real norms.
Ruthless as Perfection, but simply more deadly.
Unwilling to let go of its power,
Convincing me I must obey or be a coward.
Tip toeing around the issues at hand,
Insisting I keep things buried in sand.
Over and over it reminds me the goal
Never give up or you’ve lost your soul.
Breaking free, it’s harder than you’d think
Recognizing the twins, it’s you they’ll sink.
Amazingly there is an escape from their plan.
Knowing the truth about their stories to fail,
In no way shape or form will loss lock me in jail.
No laws require me to bind with their contract,
Growth, kindness love releases me to interact.
Finally, my eyes and heart start to bloom,
Relearning skills to heal hidden doom.
Every time Perfection takes hold
Destruction follows, making life cold.
Breaking loose away from their grip,
Free and healthy brings a lively new trip.









© Peggikaye Eagler

worst day of the year.

First, I want to start off by offering my condolances to one of my dearest friends. We went to church together for 5 years and barely, if ever, spoke. We wound up in a class together and got to know each other. We still refer to it as "THAT class" .. it was a good class, but it was an incredibly painful past as we talked about how we got to be who we were.

Wanda and I learned that for every one thing that we did not have in common, we had three that we did.

I don't see her as often as I'd like. Since I left the church, it's required real effort to keep the relationship going ...but the heart of it, is there, will always be there.

She is a mother ... and her youngest, Chris has had many challenges ... agoraphobia ... severe agoraphobia at that. I adored Chris ... he was delightful, funny and rather precious.

A couple of years ago, we had an ice storm. Much of Oklahoma suffered greatly. We, like most of the state, lost electricity. Within a couple of days, our cell phones died ... and we were left without ability to communicate with family and friends.
Her son, her agoraphobic son ... had Wanda bring him to check on us, so that he could see with his own eyes that we were ok. It was a delightful visit ... one I will never forget.

A week ago, Chris passed away ...at 27 years old. A cold, pneumonia and septicemia. Taken too young too soon ...with too much in front of him.

My heart breaks for her ...
Wanda, you're so very precious to me ..and as RS said today ... you're so easy to love.
Please keep her in your prayers and if you would, stop by her blog to let her know she's being covered in prayers.


It's February 5 (2 am) and once again, I'm looking at the calendar anxious for this day to be gone ...31 years ago today, I found my step fathers body after he committed suicide.

I can't say it's gotten better over the years, but the grief has changed.

I loved him so ... so very much. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that all things worked out ... nothing in my life is better off without him. He'd only have enriched every good experience and made the bad ones just a bit more bearable.

Daddy, Chris ... we're anxiously awaiting the day when we get to see your smiles and hear your laughter again. You are loved, will always be loved and treasured. Thank you both, for the memories.

Opening up

I closed my blog, making it a permission only blog for about a year and a half. I wanted a forum to write, semi privately, about some issues. I found myself not writing about those issues, and not writing much at all. I decided to open it back up, maybe I'll keep up better with it as an open blog.

A New Semester

With only intermediate algebra and college algebra left to go for my basics, that means, I'm primarily doing my 'degree focused' course work. This semester I'm taking Intermediate Algebra, Child Psychology, Adult Psychology and Women's studies.

I'm really excited about the Women's Studies class. When I was told there might not be one because of lack of enrollment, I went into recruitment mode and there are about 20 people (normal is about 8 for this class!!) I know that 6 of them are people I etheir cajolled or begged or pleaded to take. (ok, so a couple I just had to mention, but a couple I really drove them nuts with "you're taking it aren't you?"

My hair is ever evolving ... it's short still and red still but it changes ...

I'll try to get a post up tomorrow (ok, later today)

Christmas 2009

Butternut Squash Soup (homemade)

Not the best Christmas ... 4th blizzard in states history made it a pretty one, that's for sure.

It's Thanksgiving, a day that is traditionally set apart for being thankful for all that you have.

What is often over looked is the amount of depression that often accompanies the holidays.

I'm thinking that I know at least part of the problem is the lack of acceptance for anyone who isn't over the top bubbling with enthusiasm for their golden lives.

Yes, that is a tad sarcastic ...but that's how i'm feeling.
I'm not posting this so that I can get "I'm sorry " or encouragment ... I know that few people read this blog ...and few post. I guess I'm writing it in a semi functional/semi public forum so I will at least 'feel' like I got out what I wanted to say without actually drawing attention to myself.

This morning, on Facebook, I posted, as millions did, the things I'm grateful for.
Within minutes I got a private message from someone ...
"You know, you have so much, and there are those with so little ... you should be thanking God that you're healthy, that you've got the things you've got ...you left off so much. You should be ashamed of yourself"

Bowl me over!
EXCUSE ME? Now, if this was someone I'd met on line, I could excuse it. If this was one of my friends from the singing group I was in ... I'd excuse it. One of the 60 friends from high school that are on my page ... I'd excuse it.
But it wasn't. It was from someone currently in my life ... I attended church with them for 10 years. I sat near their family week in and week out ... and before I had time to process this ... 3 more messages with similar messages came through. All from people related to the first. One of them, I'd spent 8 of those 10 years working with him in the music ministry.

Now, granted, I don't go around wearing my health on my sleeve, but neither do I keep it a secret. If I can't do something, I excuse myself apologizing that my health won't allow me to participate.

In the 10 years that I was in the church I was in the hospital 13 times, 8 of them for surgery. Yeah, that's healthy!

I've got so much??? While I've made it a point to raise my children with the mentality of being thankful for what you have ...and living the best life possible ..and I certainly don't wear my poverty on my sleeve, it is far more hidden than my health ...but come on! I got a house through Habitat for Humanity! People who get houses from them do not have 'so much' they are not wealthy and they are usually in pretty strict financial straits ... Some almost reach, but not quite, comfortable. Most, are lacking. WE fall below the poverty level. Always have. We make ends meet because we live within our means (which means our children go without and our clothing is bought at garage sales and second hand stores!)

This year, I'm accutely aware of the fact that my family is not speaking. My parents and I are estranged as is my sister and I. The only family that is talking to me is my niece. She has chosen to spend the day with her boyfriend and the family that they live with. So I have my sons and my husband ...that's it. It is very clear that my family has been blown to shreds ... I wouldn't change a thing about why they're not talking to me .... but it doesn't hurt any less.


This year, more than any other, I seem to be aware of what isn't in my life ... maybe it's the working in therapy on really experiencing emotions. Maybe I've given myself permission to be sad ...

My son has significant issues ...and always will.
My health is fragile at best.
While I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that my husband is still alive, in the back of my mind it keeps nagging at me ...how many more holidays do we have? When will the next event like 2.5 years ago happen ...and will that one take him from me?
My family (extended) no longer exists ... no one is talking to me because I chose to protect my niece. It was the right thing to do ... but it cost me my family.

The family that she lives with has gone on and on about how hard it has been on her ...after all ... she had to cut off ties with her parents ... they go to extremes to make sure that she is not lacking for anything ... but they seem to have forgotten one thing while they remind me of everything that she gave up ... I gave up my parents as well ...and my sister and my nephews and niece ... it wasn't JUST her that gave up the family.

I'm hurting this Thanksgiving ... I'm not used to feeling hurt ... I'm used to ignoring it and moving on. I'm guessing it's a good thing that I'm acknowleging the pain ... but it's less than pleasant to do so ...and then to have people have the NERVE to tell me what to be grateful for ... who do they think they are?

Why I'm working so hard.

A year and a half ago, I had a long, drawn out conversation with the children's minister at our church. I was unable to convince her that the children with special needs were not getting their basic needs met, much less spiritual or ministry to the family. She simply would not believe that they were not meeting all the needs. (this same minister had done an incredible job with my children going through her program. So when I stepped down from worship ministry to work with the kids, I was quite alarmed at the changes and the lack of patience, kindness and basic respect for these children and their families!)

She insisted that all was being done and they were being treated appropriately, the families were being ministered to, not judged. (then why were all the families of special needs children coming to me in tears begging for help?!? I did not base my conversation with her soley on the parents response (but in part) but in my own observation of how the CHILDREN and PARENTS were being treated by both staff and volunteers ... and the realization that if we'd been treated that way we'd have been out of there! 18 months later, of the 8 children with special needs, from 7 families ... 1 remains. The families left the church.

I got off the phone with her, and turned to my husband, rather frustrated and said "I'm going to back to school to become a child psychologist so I can do this right!" And 2 days later I was enrolled at my school and had applied for financial aide.

This week, the 1 mom remaining called me, she was heart broken over the trouble with school. A lack of services (read back to more than 3 years ago in this blog and you'll see several posts of issues with special education services in the district she lived in. Our primary reason for moving where we did!!) A lack of help/support in the church and finger pointing that if she'd be a better mother she'd have a better kid. I got that from the school, frequently, I did not ever get that from the church. It saddens me that her support system consists of her husband, her parents, and myself (and I'm not at that church anymore .. this conversation in April was the beginning of the end of a 10 year membership. I'd loved the church so much, it took me 3 months to actually leave after we decided to go)

As I helped her to put the pieces together for the IEP meeting in the morning, I was charged up anew over my mission in school. (I had a test in Psychology the next morning and was floundering with the information)

Then, this weekend a conversation with someone else over behavioral issues with the teenager in the home. The realization that there was more going on than teenager issues, and that help was needed left me axious to be able to do more ..and glad I was doing more! I also had some helpful things that came directly from the classes I've taken or am taking that she can put into place while she tries to get professional help.

Sometimes I get lost in the 'need' to get straight A's and forget that the reason I want A's is so that I've learned all that I can out of the class ...and be the best I can be for the families I will serve.

The only question I have is ...will my heart be able to take it when I see the broken hearted parents?

For Wanda

This is the me that you (Wanda) has always known ... with my niece in May 2009.

This is me in August of 2009 with my new hair color and my new teeth .... This is me in September of 2009 ..but the hair is as red as the picture above it, bad lighting you can't tell ... right now, it's a much deeper red. More of a copper than strawberry blonde.

Swine Flu Song

this is hilarious ...now that it's come through my house ... it's even funnier

Monthly (?) Update

I'm such a terrible blogger. I can't quite give up my blog, but I rarely post ... sigh.

I'm completely enjoying my Biology class (oddly enough) and not enjoying my Personality Theories class at all. I realized today that NSU requires an A in Personality Theories to be accepted to their masters program (glad I found that out now not later!) and they require a B in Abnormal Psychology ...other than that, they just ask for a 3.0 GPA.

I've got an A in Biology (I'm working my butt off there ...about 3 hours per night!) and a B in Personality Theories (and spending very little time on this class) As much as I'm enjoying my biology (and need to put that much time in it to get an A) I think I better switch my focus, be willing to accept a B in bio ...and get to work on my Pers. Theor. Class!!! o.0
It is so boring! The text is bad ...works faster than ambien to put me to sleep and the professor is a 1st semester prof who has never taught before ...laid back, unorganized and well ... easy to tone out (especially since half his lecture time is spent reading directly from the text book!)


I like my speech class ...we'll see if after next Tuesday I feel the same way when I give a 7 minute speech!

Just started my 8 week philosophy class. I think I'll enjoy it ... but the added 6 hours per week to my schedule could be a bit physically daunting ... I'll be in class M-S and Fridays I'm in Bio from 11-12 and philosophy from 6 pm to 9 pm. (the second class is S 9 am to noon)

I really have no time in my life for anything but books and class ....

Steep Learning Curve

So, it's been almost a month since I got dentures. I still can't chew food with them. My gums are far too tender and painful.

In the not too distant past, I'd have used that as an excuse to skip meals. But, I made an agreement with my therapist that I'd move forward toward recovery despite of this challenge.

I certainly don't have a perfect record in eating ...but it's better than it's been in a very long time.

The process of the adjusting to dentures has taught me something. It's changed how I look at food ...and my relationship with food.

I have never been able to say "I like ..." or "yum ,this is good" Food is bad ...period and I tolerate some better than others.

However .. I don't know if it's the rebelliousness that I have or if it's just that I'm really moving toward healthy relationship with food ... but it's OK to say that I like certain foods. I miss certain food combinations.

It's also ok to really dislike something ... not all foods will fall into this category of 'tolerable if necessary'

Another thing I've learned, just this week ... kind of floored me.

I assume that people either don't like me, or at best tolerate me. Unless they specify otherwise.

My therapy homework this week consisted of looking for ways that I feel either particularly respected ... or disrespected.

There have been a couple of disrespected incidences ... but there have been a few respected! Which floored me. I'd have told you last Monday that I wouldn't find any of the latter.

The biggest of that was that I went to say hi to my former psych prof. She loved my 'new look' (teeth hair make up) and we talked for close to an hour. It was a great talk but she wound up *asking* me to take one of her classes next fall! She doesn't care which one, just that I'm in her class. I was floored!

Kind of felt like Sally Fields ...she likes me! she really likes me! I'm not just a person who took a couple of classes that she had to tolerate my presence in her class ... she liked me enough to want me in more.

Almost done w/make over ..still need a hair cut

The new me ... back to make up ..after 20 years ... dyed my hair red ...and a new smile!

the old me ...dark teeth (although not chipping breaking yet) and dark hair)